Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 2, Episode 15 - Breaking Curfew - full transcript

Honey, what are you
gawking at?

Are the neighbor's dogs going
at it on the front lawn again?

Mandy and Kyle
are makin' out.

Aw, I don't wanna hear this.
Either way,

Just spray 'em both
with the hose.

Good night, Mandy.
Night, Kyle.

Have a nice date?
Uh-huh.

Kyle's such a gentleman.

But I think
I'm wearing him down.

Are you sneaking out?
Shh.

(Lowered voice)
Boyd's sleeping.



And I am 23, okay?
I do not sneak out.

I leave quietly
without telling dad.

(Giggles)

(Whispering) Psst. Mom.

Hmm? Oh. Uh, Mike, honey?

Will you bring
the recycling to the garage?

(Mike) All right.

(Lowered voice) Thank you!
I'll be at Ryan's, okay?

Uh, keep your ear open
in case Boyd wakes up?

You know, honey,
l-l-I don't like

Being in the middle
like this.

L-I'm really uncomfortable
lying to your father...

For your stuff.
Mm.

Mom, it's not like
I'm asking you



To do something
ridiculous, okay?

Now I'm gonna go
put my car in neutral,

You help me
push it down the block.
All right, all right.

Roll it down the driveway.
I'll be there in a minute.
(Kisses)

Mm. You are the best.
Okay, okay.

All right. Recycling's out.

You can text
your buddy al gore

He can take another trip
in his private jet.

(Kiss)
I'm gonna go to bed.

Yeah, I'll be up
in a minute.

Oh, and tell Kristin
it'd be easier this time

If she remembers
to release the parking brake.

- Captions by vita...

(Door opens in distance)

What was that?

No, no, no. Stay in bed.
Come on. It's cold.

(Muttering)
It's cold because of those
size-9 popsicles you call feet.

Come on. Oh, Mike,
just let it go.

Someone came in
through the back gate.

It could be a criminal,
or worse.

It's worse.

It's one of your daughters

Crawling through
the kitchen window.

Oh, honey, come on.

Can't we just
tell Kristin the truth?

That you know
she's seeing Ryan,

So she doesn't have to
sneak in windows

In the middle of the night?

It's not Kristin.
It's Mandy.

Mandy?

Don't need to hurry.
She's stuck.

What the hell does she think
she's doing?

It's four hours
past her curfew.

And she has a key.

Ugh.

Oh, you know what, honey?

Maybe she just snuck out
to meet up with Kyle.

I guess there are worse guys
she could be with at 3:00 a.M.

There's no nice guys
out there at 3:00 a.M.

I know. I used to be one.

They're only looking
for one thing, honey.

I seem to remember
three or four things.

This is supposed to be
your job.

You're supposed to deal
with this stuff with the girls

When it comes to this
kind of thing, you know?

And I'll deal with our sons.

(Chuckles)
We don't have sons.

And thanks for dropping
the ball on that one.
Oh...

Can't you just have... just have
a talk with her. Just go...
fine. (Stammers) You know,
I'll go lay down the law.

You think I'm happy sittin'
in here with no son to yell at?
(Door opens)

(Sighs)
(Knocks on door)

Mandy?

Oh, nice try.
(Door closes)

I know you're awake.

And it looks like
you left your headlights on.

(Car alarm chirps)

(Switch clicks)
No...

Oh, man, come on.
Come on.

Honey, you're in
real trouble here.

You broke
the most important rule.

I know. I missed curfew.

No. You let your dad
find out.

Now, look, I can't stop you
from doing whatever it is

You and Kyle are doing
in the middle of the night,

But, honey, out of respect
to your father,

Get better at deceiving him.

Okay. I'll try harder.

(Kisses)
I know you will.

I believe in you.

(Mouths words)
(Zips)

(Exhales)

Okay. (Sighs)

You won't catch Mandy
coming in late anymore.

Good.

And I don't think
anything has happened yet

With her and Kyle.

How do you know that?

A mom can tell.

(Locker slams)
♪ zip-a-dee doo dah

♪ zip-a-dee ay

Hey!

♪ my, oh, my,
what a wonderful day ♪

(Coffee pouring)

What's with Kyle?

(Kyle whistling)
Why's he so happy?

First off, he's got
that idiot thing going on.

And secondly,
he was out till 3:00 a.M.

Doing god-knows-what
with my daughter.

I thought
he and Kristin broke up.

Actually,
he's dating Mandy now.

Kyle pulled off sisters?

That's impressive.

He'll be telling that story
in bars the rest of his life.

Ed, we're talking
about my daughters.
(Mutters)

Kyle, let me speak to you.

Oh, no, no. You're too angry.
No, no.

Let me tell Kyle
to keep his mitts off Mandy.

It is Mandy he's putting
his mitts on now, right?

Morning, sirs. It is
a beautiful day, isn't it?

Sit. Sit down, son.
Sit. Have a seat.
Thank you.

(Door closes)
Kyle, uh, remember
that tiny fishing pond

l-I used to take you to
up on mount evans?

Yeah. It was great.
I should go back there.

No, you shouldn't. No.

See, it's a bad idea

To keep catching fish
in the same pond.

Huh? Huh? Why don't you just
mix it up a little bit, huh?

Yeah.
Take your pole elsewhere.

All right?

Why?

It's a great pond.

I mean,
I could fish in that pond

All day and all night.

Well, you're young.

Kyle, I need to know

What you did last night
with my daughter.

And unlike Ed, try to remember
who you're talking to.

Well, let's see.

Uh, we were watching tv
for a while.
Uh-huh.

Uh, there's a rat loose
in my apartment.

So my roommate got a snake
to catch it.

And, uh, last night,
we couldn't find the snake.

So now we're getting
a mongoose.

And because we learned
our lesson,

A mongoose leash.

Mandy doesn't
really like rats,

Snakes, or mongoose shopping
on the internet,

So I took her home
around 10:00.

But she snuck back out
and didn't come in until 3:00.

What?

Mm-hmm.
No. She texted me
that she was going to bed.

Oh, god. Do you think
she was out with somebody else?

Don't go there, son.
She's not worth it.

Boyd's coming.

(Gasps)

Psych!

Wow, you jumped away
pretty fast there.

Can I have my gum back?

I'm sorry. I'm just tense.

All this sneakin' around.

Mommy!

Double-psych.
He was coming.

What are you
and daddy doing?

Why don't you, uh,
go pick out a book, okay?

I'll be up in a minute.

Okay, look,

I get why we're keeping
a low profile around your dad,

But why are we hiding this
from Boyd?

Well, you're supposed
to wait six months

Before you introduce your child
to someone you're dating.

I don't think that applies if
you're dating the kid's father.

We have met, Kristin.
We seemed to hit it off.

I just don't want him to get
his hopes up in... in case...

In case what? Kris, I'm not
going anywhere. I'm all in.

And I am totally
ready to tell Boyd.

Oh, you're gonna tell him.
I knew this day was coming.

When do you start
taking the hormones, nancy?

And I'm the one
you're hiding from Boyd?

(Kristin) Ryan, wait up.
(Door closes)

Hey, Mandy, come out here.
I wanna ask you somethin'.

You summoned me, papa?

Acting like you're in "yentl"
is not gonna help.

Sit down over here.

Where did you sneak out
and go last night?

Oh, I already
told mom where I was.

With Kyle.
You were with Kyle, right?

Yeah. For a while.
But... Okay,

Then I had to go
get my bruno mars on,

So I went out dancing
with my girlfriends.

Girlfriends?

Yeah, and my gays.
They're better dancers.

It's funny. Kyle thinks
you're out with another dude,

The kind that can't dance,

The kind of guy
that only wants

Three or four
things from a girl.
Wait.

You said something to him?

He brought it up.
So Kyle knows
that I lied to him?

Dad, he's gonna freak out.

He's so into this whole,
like, telling-the-truth thing.

Thanks a lot for butting in!

You probably just destroyed
my entire relationship!

Hey, is blanca
coming tomorrow?

Why?

'Cause I need someone
to help me clean up

This load of crap
she just left here.

So Mandy lied
about going dancing?

Oh, yeah. I know she's lying
to me when she calls me "papa."

Honey, she calls you "papa"
all the time.

I know.

She just created
all this drama

So I wouldn't come down hard
on her and Kyle

For staying out
till 3:00 a.M.

It's actually
kind of clever.

What makes you think
it wasn't Kyle's idea?

Because it's kind of clever.

(Laughs) Wow. So Mandy is
the brains of their outfit?

Yeah. There's a first.

All right, well, honey, let's
not get ahead of ourselves.

L-I really don't think
they've done all that much yet.

These days, what does
that mean, "all that much"?

Second base? Third base?

Well, you know they already
went to first base.

I mean, they're
holding hands, right?

Uh, fi... holding hands?
That's not a base.

That's not even in the stadium.
Holding hands.

What...
what's your first base?

First base is kissing
with your eyes closed.
Mm-hmm.

Hers were.
Mine were wide open.

I couldn't believe
a girl was kissing me.

I always thought
that kissing was second base,

And third base was tongue.

Well, your boyfriends
must have been excited

When they got to,
what, eighth base?

It's genius.
He thinks he broke us up.

Now he won't be able
to murder either of us

For me being out
past curfew.

Mandy, I hated
lying to your father.

Made me feel sick
to my stomach.

You know, like the time
I ate that ham

I found on the floor
of my van?

(Laughs)

Well, I'll make you feel
all better on Friday night.

You, um,
you still have that coupon

For the imperial park hotel?

Yeah. Yeah, we have to
use it by Saturday.

Oh, we are going
to use it.

See, I'm going to be
so unhappy and heartbroken

That I'm definitely gonna
need a sleepover on Friday

At chloe's house.

Wait, so you're
telling your parents

You're going to
a sleepover at a friend's,

But you're really
meeting up with a guy?

Mm-hmm.

(Laughing) How do you
come up with this stuff?

(Laughs)

Oh, okay. L-I have to go.

There's a snake
crawling up my leg.

Oh, my god, Kyle.

Save that kind of talk
for Friday. (Giggles)

(Phone snaps shut)

Well, well, well.

The imperial park hotel, huh?

Denver's number one
bar mitzvah venue.

Swanky.

(Clears throat)

I do not know
what you're talking about.

Bar mitzvah?
It's a beautiful ritual

Where a boy becomes a man.

Similar to what you'll be
doing to Kyle Friday night.

I'm just curious.

I get kissing and all that.

But why the big rush
to hook up with Kyle, you know?

In that way?

Big rush?

It's been two weeks.

It's just that I've seen you
throw yourself at a lot of guys,

And for some reason,
it never works out.

Well, maybe they were
the wrong guys.

Or did you just get bored with
them because you move too fast?

Or they got bored with you
for the same reason?

Kyle isn't like those guys.

Yeah. (Sighs)

I thought maybe
he was one guy

Who would like you
for who you are.

Not for what you think
all guys want.

Eve...

Don't worry.
Your secret's safe.

I'm not gonna tell
mom and dad.

Thank you.

Friday night.
The imperial park hotel.

I don't have
a room number yet,

But I can get it.

The imperial park hotel?

Didn't that used to
just be the park hotel?

Right. Then they added
a dog track next door,

And they're feeling
pretty high on themselves.
Oh.

All right, kiddo.
Thanks for the intel.

Yeah.

You got anything
on anybody else?

Maybe.

(Lowered voice) Nothing I can
discuss in present company.

(Scoffs) Hey!

Buy yourself
a bar of chocolate.

(Clicks tongue)

(Switch clicks)
Well, according
to your informant,

They haven't done
anything yet...

Until Friday...
In a hotel.

(Sighs) By a dog track.

Well, at least we know
it'll be special.

Come on, honey.
I know the location.

I can shut this operation down
just like that.
(Snaps fingers)

Oh, Mike,
who are we kidding?

If it doesn't happen there,
it'll happen somewhere else.

Look, Kyle hasn't
connected the dots,

But the boy
does drive a van.

Listen, we lost this battle
with Kristin,

And I'm not about ready to
throw in the towel with Mandy,

Or for Eve, for that matter.

I know.
Yeah, Eve's sisters

Haven't exactly been
stellar role models.

And neither
has their mother.
Hey!

Listen, look at these glamour
magazines floating around.

What kind of image
is this for Eve?

From the time they get up,

They're bombarded
with sexy images.
(Mutters)

Magazines, movies,
billboards.

This morning,
I'm having pancakes...

The syrup bottle lady?
Yeah?

I think they bumped her up
a cup size.

I don't mind that,
because I get more syrup.

But I don't like the message.

The whole world is telling
our daughters they're nothing

Unless they look
and act like a porn star.
(Switch clicks)

Like the vixen
on the syrup bottle.
Oh...

It's... it's a war.
(Switch clicks)

We may not win it,

But we're gonna hold the line
with Mandy and Kyle.

Oh, what you gonna do,

Call in a drone strike
on your daughter?

No. It's called psy-ops...
psychological warfare.
Mm. Mm-hmm.

And luckily,
one of our opponents

Is weak, feminine,
and easily manipulated.

Hey. You wanted
to see me, mr. B?

Yeah. Come on in. Sit down.

Listen, I'm sorry about what
happened between you and Mandy.

She says you broke up.

Nothing worse than...
Being lied to.

Yeah. I'm in
a lot of pain.

Well, listen, I want
to try to make it up to you.

Thought maybe tonight
I'd, uh,

Take you to, uh,
the dog track.

Tonight? I can't.

I have a sleepover
at my friend chloe's house.

I mean, my friend...
Khloe's house.

"Khloe" with a "k"...
that's how guys spell it.

Well, you certainly deserve
a night out with your buddies.

'Cause you're an honorable guy.
You really are.

That's why I think of you
like a... A son.

(Sighs) A son?
Yeah.

That means a lot to me,
sir.

And also makes Mandy
my sister.

Which is uncomfortable
and confusing.

You know what? If you ever
have confusing thoughts,

It might be helpful
to ask yourself,

"what would mr. B.
Want me to do?"

Oh.
I never thought of that.

Usually when I talk
to myself, it's like,

"hey, Kyle, how's it going?"

"Fine."

"Working hard,
or hardly working?"

I really give myself
the business.

So...

Ask yourself sometimes,

"what would mr. B.
Want me to do?"

Like right now.
Look at me and say to yourself,

"what do you think mr. B.
Wants me to do right now?"

Don't let it hit me
in the ass on the way out.

Hey, mama.
I'll be at Ryan's.

I am not going out there
to help you push that car again.

I already took my bra off.

All right. Well, would you mind,
uh, putting Boyd to bed for me?

(Sighs) You know what, Kristin?
Actually, I would mind.

Honey, I am not
covering for you anymore

With dad or with Boyd.

I mean, honey, why...
why are we pretending

That you and Ryan
aren't a couple?

I'm sorry. I'm just not ready
to tell Boyd.
(Sighs)

Why do you and Ryan have
to do everything backwards?

You have a kid,
then you date,

Then you make introductions.
(Sighs)

I don't know
how I would even begin

To explain my relationship
with Ryan to Boyd.

Well, how about
the truth?

Figure it out
and explain it to your son.

Just leave out the gory details
that he doesn't need to hear.

Look, honey, every parent
needs to find ways

To hide their sex lives
from their kids.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
your dad's upstairs,

And we have to go over
the water bill.

(Door opens)
Aah!

This place is awesome!
(Door closes)

It's an executive suite.
Ooh.

So if anybody asks,
we're here on business.

Hey, we got the whole night.

My parents
are totally fooled.
Yeah.

I feel sort of bad
about how I treated your dad.

Now he's over there at that
dog track all by himself.

Forget about him.
Concentrate on me.

I don't know what
to concentrate on first.

So, what do you want
to do now?

I don't know.
What do I wanna do?

What would mr. B.
Want you to do?

Not this.
What?

No, that's not
what I meant. Uh...

What I meant to say is...

You're not ready
for this.

You're not ready
for this.

Uh... No. That's... that's not
what I meant.

You could do so much better
than this guy.

That's actually
kind of hurtful.

What did I say?

Oh, no, no. Not you.

Kyle, are you...
Are you all right?

No. My stomach
has the ham flops,

And I don't know
what's going on in my head.

Are you having
second thoughts about tonight?

Kind of.

Is it me?
No. No, no.

You're amazing.

It's just I... I know
that when I rush

Into the physical stuff
too fast,

That becomes all there is
in the relationship,

And you stop trying to get to
know each other in other ways.

Oh.

I was thinking
the same thing.

I... Might be a little fast

To jump into physical stuff.

I think that's 'cause I know

I'm just really, really
good at it.

Yeah.

I figured you would be.
(Giggles)

But...

There's plenty of other stuff
we could do at this hotel.

Saw a pretty sweet
bar mitzvah downstairs.

I think they have karaoke.

You wanna go?
That sounds fun.

Good.

You are a good guy.

Let's go.

Uh, well, now l-I can't.

Why?

Uh, I mean, I'm a good guy,

But I'm still a guy.

Oh.

I'm just gonna sit here
for a minute

And think about your dad.

Okay, I'll see you downstairs.
(Giggles)

(Door closes)

You are a good guy, Kyle.

Okay. Yeah, that did it.

(Knock on door)

Hey.

Aw.

And, hey!

(Laughs)
Wh-what a great surprise.

I didn't know I was gonna see
both of you tonight.

Come here, Boyd.
Give me a hug.

(Whispers)
What is he doing here?

Hang... hang on, Ryan.

Okay, before
we go any further,

I would like to formally
introduce you

To my son Boyd.
(Door closes)

Boyd, this is
mommy's new boyfriend,

Daddy.

I don't get it.

Well, what she means
is that mommy and daddy

Are gonna be hanging
around each other more.

But like a romantic couple.

Oh, you mean kissing?

Hopefully.

Hey, can we watch a movie?

Yeah. You know what?
That is a great idea.

I'll put on
a nice, long movie

While mommy and daddy
go tidy up the bedroom.

I guess.

Thank you.