Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 2, Episode 13 - What's in a Name? - full transcript

Eve! Eve--hey!

Check it out.
It's that time of year again.

Time to be carvin'
that into an awesome racer.

Ugh.
Not the father-son derby.

Dad, in case
you haven't noticed,

I can no longer pass
for an 11-year-old boy.

Says you.

Hey, grandpa, what's that?

It's a lightning-fast
race car. Vroom!

Oh. Grandma told me
this day would come.

What a beautiful race car,
grandpa.



What? I'm--I'm just preparing
him for the inevitable.

I mean, his class
already read the book,

"why grandpa
can't find his house."

Well, maybe grandpa doesn't
want to find his house,

Because there's a mean lady
that lives there.

Oh, stop it.

Stop messing around
with your homework. Come on.

We got a car to build.
Honey, I don't think
she wants to race

Little wooden cars anymore.

I asked you last week, right?
You said, "yeah, absolutely."

Yeah, but I said it like...

(Sarcastically)
"yeah, absolutely."

Sounds the same to me.

Dad, I'm sick of losing



To those nerd engineers
from lockheed martin.

You know, you shouldn't be
competing with 11-year-olds

If you've built things that have
landed on another planet.

I swear, this is
gonna be our year

To kick
some aerospace butt.

(Sarcastically)
yeah, absolutely.

Okay, that one--that one
was very obvious.

Very--this is your fault,
you know.

Oh. (Chuckles)
yeah, I had a feeling

This was where
this was gonna land.

Because you never squeezed out
a son for me.

Honey, that is because you kept
giving me "x" chromosomes...
What--

Even though every single cell
in this body

Already has two of those.

Don't get all science-y on me.
Just say, "I'm sorry."

If this is a race car, grandpa,
where's the motor?

It doesn't need a motor.

It's powered by your grandma's
archenemy, gravity.

Hey. I heard that.

Yeah, well, I'm just preparing
him for the inevitable.

'cause I think this week
they're gonna read that book,

"why grandma keeps tripping
over her boobs."

Guys. Guys.
Last night, I had a dream.

Just like
dr. Martin luther king.

No. Way better.

Okay, the three of us,

The inglorious baxters,
are going to reunite

To make a viral video
so popular,

It'll make me famous!

Just like
dr. Martin luther king.

And someday, people are gonna
take the day off of work

Just to celebrate me.

And they could have
mattress sales,

Which would be appropriate.

Ooh.

Says the sister
who had a baby in high school.

Hey. I was also president
of the spanish club.

Nobody remembers that.

I don't like the idea

Of you guys posting stuff
on the internet.

Mom, come on.

If Mandy's spreading
something viral,

You better pray
it's on the internet.

(Laughs and speaks indistinctly)

What's our giant
hit song called?

You ready? Ready?
Wait for it. Wait for it.

"love arrow."

Oh, gross.

No, wait, Eve,
that's not gross.

I mean, it refers to cupid.

Valentine's day, right,
Mandy?

Sure.

So, yeah.

Can we hear a bit? Huh?

Oh. Well, I don't know
if it's ready.

I mean, I haven't
even really...

♪ take your aim

♪ stand and deliver

♪ draw your bow

♪ and make me quiver

♪ you're ted nugent,
and I'm a sparrow ♪

♪ obliterate me
with your--unh--love arrow ♪

Then it goes...
♪ love arrow, love arrow

♪ she loves his--unh--sss!

♪ love arrow

Like that.

Happy valentines day, mom.

(Door opens)

(Eve) hey!
(Kristin) hello.

Special delivery
for the Baxter family.

One kid, one case of beer.

Grandpa!

Boyd, buddy.

What is this?
A little twist-off here?

(Imitates lid popping)

Ryan, you picked up Boyd
from kindergarten

With the beer truck?

Yeah. Makes Boyd look cool.
And I made a few bucks

Off that sleepy teacher
with the red nose.
(Semitruck horn honks)

Is that your truck?

Yes. Boyd's friend dylan
won't leave the horn alone.

(Honk)
god, I hate carpool day.

(Honking continues)

(Door closes)
look, grandpa, I know all
my numbers up to 31.

That's a weird place
to run out of gas.

But congratulations,
except you got the wrong paper.

It says "Boyd Vogelson"
on here.

Yeah. That's Ryan's
last name.

What's Ryan's last name
doing on Boyd Baxter's paper?

Should I get you a beer,
grandpa?

No. No, no, no, honey.

Just go in the living room
and play.

Somebody should
get me a beer.

Okay, Ryan asked if Boyd could
use his last name at school.

I didn't think
it was a big deal.

Well, if he can't count
past 31,

How is he supposed
to spell "Vogelson"?

I think it's a nice sign
of Ryan's commitment, okay?

He's really stepped up
with Boyd,

And he is the father.
You're right.
He is the father.

He's the one that changed
all those dirty diapers.

Wait a second. No, it wasn't.
It was me.

Dad.
And that kid dropped some bombs.
You remember that,

When he punched
right through a cloth diaper?

Honey, you're--
you're not thinking

Of legally changing
Boyd's name, are you?

Maybe.

What do you mean, "maybe"?

What about the baxters?
Mike and Boyd Baxter?

Yeah, wow.
That's a nice list of baxters.

Kids take their fathers'
last names, okay?

I thought you were the one

That was for doing things
the traditional way.

Traditional way--

You mean like knocking up
a girl, then leaving,

And coming back
when the going gets easy?

You mean that tradition?

Dad, that's not fair.

Yeah, dad, no fair describing
exactly what happened.

He was born a Baxter.
He's lived in a Baxter house.

As far as I'm concerned, this
kid's always gonna be a Baxter.

Quick, grandma.
Pull my finger.

Hey, how's it going,
mr. B.?

It's not "mr. B."
it's "Mike Baxter."

Baxter's my last name.
Always was, always will be.

Baxter, Baxter, Baxter.

Something's eating at you, Mike?
What's wrong?

Ryan wants to change
Boyd's name to "Vogelson."

"Vogelson Baxter"?

I like "Boyd" better.

"Vogelson" would be
his last name, you idiot.

"Vogelson Vogelson"?

Okay, now that I like.

So Boyd is your last chance
of passing down the Baxter name?

Yeah.
Cursed with three girls,

The line now ends when you
shuffle off this mortal coil.

When you die.
I got it.

Well, you know, you could
always adopt a son.

It doesn't even
have to be a baby.

Could just be
some young man,

Yearning for
a father figure in his life.

Or you could do it
the old-fashioned way.

Of course, Vanessa probably
couldn't participate,

But you guys could work it out.
You know, she's a good sport.

It's hard to believe you've
only been divorced four times.

You might not be able
to pass on your name,

But you put a lot
of time in with this kid...
Right.

You're gonna pass along
something more important.

What?
Memories.

He's not gonna remember
anything I did with him

Before Ryan came along.

Listen--you take
a 2-year-old to seaworld,

The whale has a better chance
of remembering that.

Boy, if someone
took me to seaworld,

I'd sure remember it.

Boyd is older now.
Make some new memories.

Like what?

Didn't you say Eve was bailing

On that father-son derby
this year?

Well, there's an opening.

You can enter
the race with Boyd.

(Coughs) or Kyle. He's free.

Better than building a car.

You're building memories
to last a lifetime.

Right. Right.

And when we win that race,

I'll put his real name
on that trophy--

"Boyd Baxter."

Or "Kyle Anderson."

(Whirring)

(Motor turns off)

Well, starting to look
like a car now, isn't it?

Is it time
for me to help again?

Okay.

(Blows)

(Coughs)

It's a little moist.

That's why grandpa didn't have
any of your birthday cake.

Are we gonna win
the race, grandpa?

Of course we're gonna win.
We're baxters. We're winners.

(Whirring resumes)

My dad says
I'm a vo-gel-son.

Vogelson, yeah. You know,
it starts with a "v."

"v" is at
the end of the alphabet.

So?
"so"?

Let's say these drill bits here
are popsicles.

And we're gonna hand 'em out
alphabetically

To everybody, right?

First name would be--what?
Allen?

They get theirs.
(Clatter)

Then Baxter.

Yeah. Got a big,
nice orange for me.
(Clatter)

"c" is colson.
They get theirs.
(Clatter)

"d" is dykstra.
They get theirs.
(Clatter)

"e" is einstein--

Of course, he gets his,
'cause he's a smart guy.
(Clatter)

Nothing left for v's.

Daddy, I wanna be
a Baxter.

The kid has got a point.

Boyd, your name is Vogelson

Because your daddy's name
is Vogelson.

See, your daddy
is very old-fashioned.

He doesn't think mommies
count as much as daddies.

And you know
who else thinks that,

Is the taliban.

Taliban? What's that?

Wild group of extremists.

Wack-a-doodles. I told you.

But I kind of agree with them
about women drivers.

Right, pal?

That's a nice try, Mike.
I know what you're doing.

But seriously,
what are you doing?

We're building a race car
for the father-son derby.

Oh. Father-son.

That sounds like
something my son should do

With his actual father.

This is kind of our thing.

All right.
Well, I'll tell you what.

We'll both make
a pinewood car,

And Boyd can decide which one
he wants to enter in the race.

All right.
You got a deal.

But I got
two questions for ya--

You feel lucky, punk?

And where do I get
one of these kits?

Honey, don't get me wrong.

It makes sense that Ryan would
want Boyd to have his last name.

But what I don't get

Is why you let him
have his way so easily.

Force of habit?

I like that Ryan feels
so connected to Boyd.

You know, we're starting to feel
more like a family,

In our own weird way.

Did you ever consider keeping
your maiden name, mom?

No. No, no, no. I never liked
the message that sends.

It sounds like you're trying
to keep your options open.

In retrospect,
maybe I should have.

A lot of couples
are hyphenating these days.

Oh, god. Do you know
who shouldn't have hyphenated?

My friend
monica's parents.
Yeah?

Valerie johnson
and steve holder.

(Laughs)

"johnson-holder"?
I don't get it.

(Laughs)

Well, all I know

Is when I stepped down
as p.T.A. President,

I pass the baton
into the very experienced hands

Of valerie johnson-holder.

You always wanna wash up

After shakin' hands
with a johnson-holder.

(Laughter)

Wait. Why?

(Laughter)

All right. What's so funny?

Oh, we're just talking
about the johnson-holders.

Oh. Yeah. (Chuckles)

Hey, dad, how's it going
with the car?

It's great.
Just needs more lubrication.

For the wheels?

No. The mechanic.

(Cap fizzes)

♪ love arrow

♪ I love his
♪ she loves his

♪ love arrow

So okay,
that was your cue, Kyle.

You're supposed to hit me
with the love arrow, remember?
(Music stops)

Why don't we all
get hit with love arrows?

Uh, does everyone in
destiny's child marry jay-z,

Or just beyonce?

Hey, uh,
sorry I missed my cue.

I was distracted
by your awesome dancing.

Aw, thank you.
Um, girls, you can take five.

I-I don't know
if anyone's said this,

But, you know, when girls dance,
you really notice

How the different parts
of their bodies move.

You like the way
that I dance?

I didn't hate it.

All right!

Oh, crap, here comes mr. Alzate.

What are we gonna say?

No, no, no. Guys,
it's cool. He gets it.

He's an artist.
Come on now.

I'm laying this down one time,
and then I am gone, all righty?

Rolling.

Here we go.

♪

All right.

And that's why god
gave goats skin.

Ta-ta.

(Keys and mouse clicking)

Ah, the great outdoors.

One thing good about getting
away from the city lights--

You can see
all these beautiful stars.

Look up there--polaris.
(Tinkling sound)

There's sirius right there.
(Tinkling sound)

Over there--ridiculous.

(Dinging sound)

All right, all right,
all right.

I-I don't really know my
star names too well, all right?

Time was when an astronomer
found a star,

He got to name it.

That's how it should be,
because he did the work, right?

Nowadays, any loser
who forgot his wife's birthday

Can name a star
for, like, 50 bucks.

Up there next
to the regal polaris?

That's irene partlow.

Even though he spent the money,

Mr. Partlow's recent attempts
to land on her

Have been quite unsuccessful.

The point is, if you don't
put in the effort,

You shouldn't get
the naming rights.

The same goes for fathers.

Used to be pretty darn simple,
wasn't it?

Kids took the old man's name.

And their mother's name?
Well, only really relevant

As a security question
at the bank.

But what about deadbeat dads?

Should their kids
be walking around

As little johnny deadbeat
for the rest of their lives?

Here's a crazy thought--

Let's honor the woman
who actually raises her kid.

Let her give the kid her name.

Wow. Just think--

Then our current president

Would be barry dunham.

Sounds like a guy I'd buy
health insurance from.

Aw, hell, we didn't have
a choice there, did we?

Good night, irene!

Can I put on
the "team Baxter" decal?

Let's not do it just yet.

If we get an air bubble
trapped underneath there,

It's gonna add
wind resistance.

We won't be able
to win the race like that.

My dad let me glue
the googly eyes on his car.

Why do you want
googly eyes on a car?

So I can see
where it's going.

I'll tell you
where it's not going--

The winner's circle.

Wanna toss the ball around?

Can't. We're just putting
the finishing touches

On the Baxter bullet.

Did you taper the axle heads
and sand down the wheel tread?

Did we, Boyd?

Is the pope polish?

That pope died, dad.

I know. But it's still funny
coming out of his mouth.

Plus I didn't want to
teach him the other one...

Does a bear poop
in the woods?

But I did anyway.

Hey, what do you say?

Go throw the ball
with your aunt,

And we'll put the decals on
in a minute, all right?
All right.

Have you even let Boyd
touch that car?

He'll be touchin' that trophy
with his real name on it

When we win this thing.
(Door closes)

So this is all about Ryan
giving Boyd his last name?

No, it's not all about that.
You know how mad I was

When kris said
she was having a baby?

Yeah, I still miss
that glass coffee table.

I was actually kind of
excited

That we'd have
another baby in the house.

I know, and when Kristin
had a son,

You were so happy,
you started hugging everybody

In the delivery room.

And don't think I didn't notice
you dragging it out

With that one nurse--
heather.

You never forget these
little minute details, right?

And her name was heidi.

Mm.

But the fact is, once we
realized we were having a boy,

It was like I was getting
a boy of my very own,

You know? Kind of.

And now Ryan's come along,
and, um...

Seems like he wants
to take him away from me.

Honey, Ryan is not trying
to take Boyd away from you.

He's just trying to create
something with Boyd

That you--you already have.

Hmm? Here he comes.

(Kisses)
(Ryan) gentlemen...

Start your engines.

Behold...

The vogelswagen.

Ooh.

It's lookin'
right at you, Mike.

I see that.
Nice pinwheel.

You know, the object
is to cut wind resistance,

Not add to it.

I was trying to teach Boyd
about renewable energy.

See, the propeller
harnesses wind power

And transfers it
to the wheels.

You engineered this

So the windmill
powers the rear wheels?

No. What do I look like,
a nerd from lockheed?

Well, we got our cars ready.

The track's out there.
You wanna do a little pre-race?

Well, maybe we should.

Hey, hey.

Wanna make it
a little more interesting?

Uh, we've already
got cool names, googly eyes--

How much more interesting
can it get?

You nervous, Mike?

Oh, I'm shivering.
You should be.

Because der vogelswagen
shows no mercy.

It also shows no understanding
of basic physics.

All right. Let's see
which one of these beauties

Boyd's gonna take
to the big dance.

You wanna count us off,
buddy?

As long as it's not to 32,
we'll be all right.

On your marks,
get set, go!

(Clacks)

Go! Go! Go! Go!

(Eve) whoo!
Yeah!

That's what I'm talkin' about.

And that's a little bit
of what those boys from lockheed

Will have to deal with
right there. Look at that.

Dad, dad!
My propeller worked!

Grandpa, did you see
my propeller spin?

Yeah. You see what car's
in the winner's circle?

But nothing on your car spins.

What are you talking about?
The wheels spin. High r.P.M.

That's why I'm in
the winner's circle.

Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum.
Winning. Yeah.

I love our car, dad.

Oh, yeah.
You did it, buddy.

Your propeller
was a great idea.

Really?
Yeah.

I'm sorry we didn't have room
for the parachute.

Mike, the Baxter bullet
won fair and square.

You know what? I think
you should go with grandpa.

Really?
Yeah.

Don't worry.
I'll come along and watch.

Mind if I tag along, Mike?

Hey, you know what?

This is
a father and son deal.

(Whispers) I think
you should go with your dad.

Are you sure, grandpa?
Yeah, I'm sure.

You guys built yourself
a heck of a race car.

Yay! Come on, dad!

(Door opens)

Thank you.

Oh, hold up, buddy.

That guy's slower
than his car.

Boyd clearly doesn't care
about winning.

Well, he's half Vogelson.

Hey, dad.

Just so you know...
I like my name.

(Chuckles)
Eve Baxter.

It's a great name.

Yeah. You know where
that name would look great?

Etched in tin
on a cheap trophy. (Sighs)

Should you and I go
kick some aerospace butt?

I'd love it.

Let's not tell Kyle.
All right.

♪

♪ she doesn't want
a love song ♪
no way.

♪ the right boys
always feel all wrong ♪
totes.

♪ she doesn't want
a love letter ♪
mnh-mnh.

♪ she knows what he's packing
is so much better ♪

♪

♪ on your frame
not an ounce of fatness ♪

♪ I hunger for your game
just like katniss ♪

♪ I'm your bonnie
and you're clyde barrow ♪

♪ steal my heart
with your love arrow ♪

Okay. Well, can't wait
to send that to grandma.
Wait.

Oh, my god. Why do we only
have 473 hits?

Yeah, I thought
the youtube generation

Loved old guy bongo solos.

(Chanting) I won! I won!
I won, won, won!

(Vanessa and Kristin laugh)
I won! I won!

You won? Yeah!

Ah, you finally won one,
huh, honey?

Only in the sense that we're
all winners for participating.

So no.

Boyd won. That is the trophy
for most creative car.

"most creative entry--
Boyd Baxter."

Huh? Boyd Baxter?

Hey, look, he's always
gonna be a Baxter,

Plus I'm not really
into perpetuating

Centuries of male oppression
of women.

That's more Mike's thing.

Thank you.

Let's get some ice cream
for the champion!
(Cheering)

(Kristin chanting) you won!
You won! You won, won, won!

Hey, uh, congratulations
on your first trophy.

Thanks. And, uh, thanks for
everything that you do for Boyd.

Well, as hard
as it is to say,

Um, you guys
manufactured a nice human.

Yeah. And hey,

Just because Boyd's always
gonna be a Baxter,

Doesn't mean I don't wanna have
the same last name as my son.

What does that mean?

Well, you know, I looked
into it, and turns out

I can get my name
legally changed to "Baxter."

Oh, hell, no.
Oh, hell, no. No.

Yeah.
No, no, no.
What about your parents?

You're an only child. You don't
wanna leave 'em like that.

They're not gonna care.
No, but you're a Vogelson.

There's gotta be some
famous vogelsons in canada.

Not really.
No, listen, listen--

You gotta say, "hell, no."