Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 2, Episode 12 - Quarterback Boyfriend - full transcript

Hey, dad, check it out--

Our school's quarterback,
Greg Archer,

Has narrowed his choice
of colleges down to five.

Boy, that kid's
quite an athlete, huh?
Yeah.

Mandy's tried some of
her better moves on him.

But he's a good
open-field runner.

He always gets away.

So you like
this boy, Mandy?

Ugh, so do all
the other girls in my school.

And most of the guys
in drama club.

And Miss Jensen,
the librarian...



Uh, before she got fired.

Yeah. This kid's
been to a library.

Definitely not her type.

It's too bad. This guy's got
a lot of possibilities.

Unlike the parade of losers

Usually sniffin' around
you girls.

Mornin', Baxters.

Here's the Grand Marshal.

You bring it?
Yep.

Brand-new, laser-sighted
rifle scope.

Hey, Kyle.
Hey.

It's rabbit season, boy,
and fur is gonna be flyin'.

There's a little "pop-pop,"

And then
that fur just lays there.



Thank god we've got engineers
working day and night

To improve our odds
against the mighty rabbit.

I come from
a generation of hunters

Who are tired of bugs bunny
embarrassing elmer fudd.

It's payback time, baby.
Payback.

Here.
Let me get that, Kristin.

You know, you tried to
"get that" when you were dating.

I think it's time
to leave it alone.

Thank you, Kyle.
Gentleman, as always.

Hey, dad, do you think
I could use that scope

To take out that gopher
in the backyard?

So now we're at war with
all harmless little creatures?

Uh, if you rolled your ankle
in a gopher hole,

You'd be gunnin' up, too.

Hey-o!

Ugh. Speaking of hairy rodents
who've become quite annoying...

Uh, are these for anybody?
(Crunches)

It's our fault for leaving
food lying around.

Is Boyd ready for school?

Almost. Ryan,
you remember Kyle?

Hey, man.
Oh, yeah.

The guy
who humiliated himself

By proposing to you
last christmas?

(Chuckles) Classic.

I prefer to remember
the positives of that night.

Baxters gave me a $20 gift card
to Funanigan's.

Hey. Oh, wow.
Hey, Ryan, Kyle. Hi.

Morning, Mrs. B. Hi, Mandy.
Hey.

Hey, can you go see
if Boyd is dressed?

Sure, honey.
It's--it's "Kristin."

"sure, Kristin."

All right, well, I better hit it
before that scope gets mounted.

I do not enjoy the game with
the little red dot on my chest.

Don't.

(Laughs)

Oh, you're so good at it,
though.

You almost got it
this time!

Why do you have to
pick on Kyle?

Because Ryan left the room.

When are you girls
gonna date a go-getter?

I mean, a guy that might
actually take care of you?

(Both) Take care of us?

Yeah. I mean somebody
with ambition.

When I was in high school,
I had all sorts of jobs.

I was working all the time--
mowing lawns, raking leaves.

Teenage boys were
the illegal aliens of the '70s.

Mike, we didn't raise our girls

To believe they need a man
to take care of them.

Then it'll come
as a complete surprise.

Dad, you taught us
to be self-sufficient.

And yet you're all
still here.

I'm 14.

I have a child.

I'm here a lot less
than you think.

That's a good question.
A customer may ask.

No, I'm gonna rack out.

Greg Archer's
actually pretty beat.

I thought
you were Greg Archer.

Wake me when it's lunch.

Sure.

Yeah.

(Tent door zips)

Great first three minutes.

Ooh. Kyle, hey.

Hey, Mandy.
Hey.

Wow, you look really pretty.

Aw.
You could be a model,

Or work in
a dentist's office.
Aw.

Thank you, Kyle. Um,
I'm looking for Greg Archer.

I heard he was
working here now.

Yeah, I heard that, too.

So far I haven't
seen much of it.

But everybody's pretty excited
to have him around.

Mr. Alzate even gave him
my locker.

I have to keep
my lunch in my pockets.

Want some grapes?

No, thanks.

So do you know
where he is right now, or...

Uh, could be anywhere.

He might have gone out
to get some medicine

For that gross thing
on his lip.

This is too perfect.

I've been trying to get him
alone for months.

At school, he's always
surrounded by skanks.

Yeah. We don't get many skanks
here at Outdoor Man.

As a rule,
skanks are pretty indoorsy.

But now that
your dad's Greg's boss,

That makes you
off-limits, right?

Oh, that's really good.
Yeah, I'm off-limits.

You have to say that around him,
like, a bunch of times.

Be like, "Mandy's off-limits.
Mandy's forbidden."

And that way, he'll respect
your father's wishes

And stay away from you?

(Laughs)
Kyle, you're so nice.

You have no idea
how a bad boy thinks.

I wouldn't be so sure.

I've got some skeletons
in my closet.
Oh, yeah?

Hamsters, mostly.

I don't know
why I keep them.

I'm gonna go
look for Greg now.

This has nothing to do
with that fun hamster story.

(Clicks, jingles)

Well, there you go,
young lady.

Possibly the only kid
on the block

With a $900 scope
on a $99 pellet rifle.

I'm gonna bury that gopher
in one of his own holes.

I wonder if gophers
get irony.

Not the dead ones.

Listen, I'd let you use
one of the big boys,

But you know, your mom
has her "rules."

So, uh, now that
Greg Archer's at the store,

I guess you've got
some inside track

On getting him
to choose michigan?

University of michigan
sells itself.

Tom brady, gerald ford--

Both of 'em married
hot chicks that loved to party.

Yeah, Greg Archer's good,

But if he goes to u of m,

He better take tony pearce
and scott mcGregor with him.

Tony protects
Greg's blind side

And scott catches
every wounded duck he throws.

But he never mentions 'em
in any interviews.

It's always "Greg Archer's in
the zone. Greg Archer's pumped."

Talks about himself
in the third person.

Yeah, I noticed that.

It's kind of weird,
isn't it?

(Sighs) Yeah, I know.

(Clicks)
Eve Baxter out.

(Door opens)

Oh, yeah.

(Kristin) Hey, bud.

Mom, where's aunt Eve
going with a gun?

Uh, up on the roof,
honey.

Cool.

What? Would you rather
I said my sister's

Trying to blow the head
off of a gopher?

No, it's not that.
It's...

What's up
with this Kyle guy anyway?

Are you guys a...
Thing again?

I'm not sure
that's any of your business.

Oh. Oh, I'm not asking out of
any romantic interest in you.
Oh.

You know, I think it's
important, as Boyd's father,

That there not be
a revolving door of "uncles"

Running through his life.
Wow.

So having a baby at 17
makes me easy?

Trust me, no one's ever
gonna call you "easy."

Wow.

No, I-I just mean you're--
you're a difficult person.

You know, ask anybody.

Again, wow.

You know what?
I should go.

No.

I'm not seeing Kyle.

We're--we're just friends.

What about you?

I barely know Kyle.

I mean, he's cute and all,
but not...

No. I'm not seeing anyone.

(Door closes)

Here's a question I never
thought I'd ask--

What is our 14-year-old
doing on the roof with a rifle?

Snipers seek the high ground.
It expands their kill zone.

It's a pellet gun,
not a rifle.
(Door opens)

(Singsongy) Guess who's got
a date with Greg Archer?

Hey, wow. You finally
reeled him in, huh?

Yep.
It's all about the bait.

Practically jumped
right into the boat.

Well, you must be happy,
huh?

All your complaining
about our daughters' boyfriends,

And Mandy snags
your perfect guy.

Ah, might not be "perfect."

Oh, all right. Here we go.
Here it is.

All right, come on. Come on,

I knew there'd be something.
Go ahead.

I'm just... (Lowered voice)
I'm just saying

He might not be
what he seems to be.

Honey, he seems to be
a sports hero bound for college.

What horrible crime
did he commit?

He talks about himself
in the third person.

Oh.

Son of a bitch.

Every time I looked for him
today, he was missing.

He dumped all his workload
on Kyle.

He's done the impossible.

He's actually made Kyle
look like an overachiever.

I bet he isn't as bad
as you say he is.

What do you know
about picking guys?

Just 'cause you nailed it
perfectly 25 years ago.

You know what, honey?
You just have to accept

That your daughters
are gonna like boys

Whether you like them
or not.

Unless, of course,
they join a convent,

And then they can be
married to jesus.

Would you be okay with him?

I'd still wanna meet
his father.

(Door closes)
Mike, look at this--

Increased foot traffic
since we hired Greg.

I'm liking this kid.

You're not pattin' him
on the butt, are you?

You really gotta
break that cycle.

I'm just saying
you were right.

Everybody wants
a glimpse of him.

I'd like
a glimpse of him, too--

Actually doing his job.

Oh, so now you're downing
your quarterback, huh?

Even though he and Mandy
have a date tonight?

How do you know that?

Oh, Mandy and I
are facebook pals.

I asked her to be my friend.
She said yes.

We call it "friending."

You should call it
frightening.
Oh.

Mandy has thousands of friends
on the world wide web.

As a parent,
you're always frightened

That one of him's
gonna be a weird old man.
(Sighs)

You know, maybe I'm being
hard on this kid

Just because Mandy
likes him.

But if he's not doing his job,
we need to straighten him out.

All right. We just gotta
kick his ass a little bit.

Everybody gives these athletes
a lot of slack.

Doesn't do them any good.

I mean, 99% of these kids
will never play for a pro team,

Or even the Cleveland Browns.

(Ed) Don't knock the Browns,
Mike.

If it weren't for them,
the Bengals fans

Wouldn't have anyone
to make fun of.

I'm just saying
a kid like this,

If he doesn't make it
into the pros,

He's gonna lack the one thing
that could help his life out--

Is a work ethic.
All right.

Kyle, shouldn't the quarterback
be helping you with that?

Or anyone.
Any help would be great.

Come on.
That's a 2-man job there.

I couldn't agree more.

There he is.
Attending a customer.

Yeah, no coincidence
that her rack

Is bigger than
that 14-point elk over there.

Hey, Greg! Got a minute?

Guess I'll see you around,
miss jensen.

The library hasn't
been the same without you.

Any time now, Greg.

I was just checking to see

If she had more than two items
in the dressing room.

I think we all know what
two items you were checking out.

Whoa. Why are you
riding Greg Archer?

Whoa. Because Mike Baxter's
had enough of this.

You're hitting on women
in the store?

Meanwhile this poor slob's
doing the work of two guys.

Yep, you got that right.
It's a 2-person deal here.

I can't believe
I'm saying this.

You gotta be more like Kyle
on the sales floor here.

That guy?

That guy.
In five years,

He'll still be walkin' around
with grapes in his pocket.

And Greg Archer
will be in the NFL.

That's my T.D. Celebration.
Get it?

"Archer."
(Chuckles)

Nice shot. You hit the sign
that says "you're fired."

Look again. The sign says,
"Greg Archer quits."

Tell Mandy I'll see her
at 8:00.

What the hell
just happened here?

(Door opens)

Hey, dad. Chamber clear.
Lock her up.

Uh, can we please not
throw guns in the house?

Listen, I wanna talk
about Greg Archer and Mandy.

You wanna put
the rifle away first?

I get it.
You don't like this guy,

But please,
let's not overreact.

Well, it might be too late.
I fired him today.

What, out of a cannon?

I saw him with a customer,
all right?

Was he supposed to
be with customers?

Following her into
the ladies' dressing room?

This guy's got no character.
He's a real skeevy guy.

All right, well, you know what?
He--he might be a bum,

But we should let Mandy
figure that out for herself.

Or we could do
that other thing.
(Snaps fingers)

What do they call that?

What--it's called parenting.
Oh.

Honey, Mandy is 18 years old.
She's a smart person.

No, she's not.
But--

With boys and dating,
yeah, she's smart--

You know she's on the internet
with creepy old men?

If you're talking about Ed,
yes, I know.

Will you tell him that I am not
interested in "farmville,"

And--and I'm not gonna watch
his chickens

When he's out of town.
What are you talking about?

"farmville"--
so we're not gonna
do anything about this?

Honey, you gotta see this
from Mandy's perspective, okay?

The more you tell her
that this guy's off-limits,

The more appealing
he's gonna be to her.
I get all--I understand
all that. Right.

I was on the fence about you
until my father said,

"stay away from that left-wing
hippie, Mike Baxter."

(Chuckles) Wow.
That was a long time ago.

Yeah, well, you're gonna
drive her right into his arms.

Well, I've gotta
say something to her. Mandy!

(Mandy) Just a minute!
Oh, honey...

Listen, we already
have a cautionary tale

Wandering around here,
eating goldfish crackers

And watching cartoons.

Oh, honey,
we love Boyd.

I'm talking
about Boyd's dad.

These jerk boyfriends have a way
of just hangin' out around here.

Well,
Mandy is not Kristin, okay?

She's gonna make
her own set of mistakes.

And you're the one
who's always saying

We shouldn't baby the kids.

Till they actually
come home with babies.
Well...

Mandy is not
gonna get pregnant.

How do you know
she's not gonna get pregnant?
All right. You know what?

Just tell me to stop
when you've heard enough.

About a year ago, I took Mandy
to see a gynecolog--

Stop.
All right.

Could we have just--
could I just--
hey, hi, honey.
Ooh, you look so pretty.

Doesn't she look pretty, Mike?

She looks way too pretty
for that...

Mike?

Restaurant
that you're going to.

What--what's the name
of it again?

Um, I'm just picking up some
chinese food and meeting him.

Oh.
You're paying for dinner?

Can I get 20 bucks?

I'm paying for dinner?
Mike.

(Sighs)

Thank you.

But if we could just--
I just--
let it go, honey. Let--

If we--
let it--
honey, let it go.

Thank you. Good night.

Thank you.

(Engine rumbling)

(Turns off engine)

Hey. Hey, Kyle.
Hey.

Where's Greg?

Um, he's not here.
He quit today.

He was supposed
to meet me.

He didn't... He didn't
text me or anything.

What an ass.

I know.

He does a lot of squats.

But it's still rude for him
to blow you off like this.

Do you think
he's coming back?

I wouldn't count on it.

He said, "Greg Archer's gotta
go renew his library card,

Know what I mean?"

I didn't, but...

He sure made it sound
like way more fun

Than when I renew mine.

You okay, Mandy?

What's wrong with me?

Absolutely nothing.

Mandy...
I know Greg's a bad boy,

And we've already discussed
his killer glutes...

But I don't think he's anywhere
near good enough for you.

Thanks, Kyle.

You're a really good guy.

Yeah, I know.

It sucks.

No. It's a good way to be.
It suits you.

Check it out. Greg and I were
supposed to have a picnic.

Chinese food
at the 50-yard line.

Ah, china--

The dark continent.

The land down under.

The emerald isle.

Wow. You really know
a lot about china.

Hey, you know what?

We could have
a picnic right here.

You hungry? Want some?

No, thanks.

Brought my egg salad sand--

You know what?

Chinese food sounds great.

Oh, I have an idea--

Um, after we eat, we should
totally take the forklift,

And, like, go and find
Greg's truck and flip it.

Yeah, I can't do that, Mandy.
Aw.

But you know what
we could do?

What?
His truck is sort of dirty.

Uh-huh?
We could write "wash me"
on the back window.

Somebody did that
to me once.

Man, what a burn.

(Laughs)

(Both speaking indistinctly)

You have to split them
apart.

(Laughs)

Have you never
used chopsticks?

(Chuckles)

(Chuckles)
were you waiting up
for me?

Oh, no, I was just
catching up on my reading.

(Door closes)
"jokes for the john."

Just as funny out here.

Well, how was your date?

Um...

I had a good time.

Truth is, I was expecting
one thing tonight,

And... I ended up
getting something else,

And... He turned out to be
a really sweet guy.

So you really think
you know this guy, Mandy?

I'm starting to.

I'd like to get
to know him better.

Just might have found out
some not-so-nice things

About this Greg Archer.

I know. I have, too.

You don't have to
worry about me, daddy.

I know, but I will,
you know?

Till I'm dead.

Couple two, three days
afterwards, probably.

Good night.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Hmm?

What did the one john
say to the other john?

"what's the matter with you?
You look... You look flushed."