Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 2, Episode 11 - Mike's Pole - full transcript

All right,
here on February 6th,

We celebrate
the birthday of America's

Greatest football player,
Ronald Reagan.

Ronald Reagan?

I thought he only played
football in the movies.

(Imitating Ronald Reagan)
Well, there you go again.

(Laughs)

(Normal voice) He played
center for Eureka College.

Those days,
believe it or not,

They played
without helmets.
(Vanessa) Hmm.

Oh. That explains
trickle-down economics.



(Speaks inaudibly)

My face is all stingy.

All right.
Can we please just
do this, okay?

'cause you put up
the stupid pole weeks ago,

And so far it's just been
a magnet

For every moron
with a tongue.

Oh... That's weird.
(Shivers)

Usually you're the magnet
for every moron with a tongue.

(Vanessa) Hey.

All right, enough of this.

Boyd, how about the Pledge
of Allegiance? Ready?

Uh, actually, Boyd hasn't
learned the pledge.

What?
What? Why? Don't they say it
every morning in school?

Hey, honey...



Does he have some
retention problems?

(Sighs)
'Cause we could get him
tested.

No.
Yeah?

He's fine.
I promise, okay?

H-his dad wrote a note
excusing him from participating.

(Inhales) Ryan objects
to the words "God"...

(Exhales) "Flag," and pretty
much all the other words.

Well, it takes a certain
kind of jackass

To be offended by
liberty and justice.
(Sighs)

Honey, will you go inside?

Good idea. (Shrieks)
I was talking to Boyd.

Uh... Well, come on,
come on.

Grandma's gonna make you
a hot bowl of oatmeal.

(Sighs)
Can we come back when grandpa
stops being mad at daddy?

Oh, that's sweet. (Chuckles)
He thinks he's gonna stop.

Why do you let Ryan
call the shots with Boyd?

Sometimes parents
have to compromise.

I-I gave in to Ryan
on the Pledge,

And in return, Boyd doesn't have
to use unbleached toilet paper.

(Leash rattles)
Hey, Larabee.

(Dog panting)
There's just certain things,
like toilet paper

And presidents,
should be white, right?

There were white presidents?

It's been so long,
it's hard to remember.

(Laughing) Hello, ladies.

Hey.
Hey.

Uh, finally got a flag
for that pole, huh, Baxter?

That's right. You're just
the man I was looking for.

A 6'3" black man in the snow
shouldn't be too hard to find.

I meant an ex-marine.
And you're not 6'3".

Well, I put my life on the line
in Gulf One.

I can be as tall as I want.
Listen.

(Shivering)
When you don't
have your kid

Say Pledge of Allegiance
to the flag,

You disrespect everything
a soldier like this does,

Even though he lies
about his height.

I meant no disrespect,
Mr. Larabee.

A-and just so you know,
out of all the Gulf wars,

Gulf One was my favorite.

Hmm.
Don't pay attention
to her.

These kids, they have
a problem being patriotic.

Kids are idiots.

I know, 'cause I'm
on the inside. (Chuckles)

(Chuckles)

So, wow, you were a marine,
Mr. Larabee?
Mm-hmm.

Did you carry an M16A2?
Those babies have some range.

I like the A1--
in the field and on my sirloin.

(Laughs)
The Marines like that joke.

Which is why the Army's
the go-to branch

For comedy, my friend.
All right.

Semper fi. (Chuckles)
Hey.

You know, your pole's
too small, by the way.

How do you know that?

For that flag.

You should check
the flag code.

You really need
a bigger pole.

Like mine. It's 30 feet.

Lot of people
lie about that, too!

(Whispering) Boyd!

Hey, dad!
Shh! Not so loud, buddy!

Hey, do me a favor.
Grab your stuff,

Say good-bye, and meet me
out front, okay?

Why?
Because he's trying
to avoid me,

And like everything else,
he's really bad at it.

(Normal voice) That's why.

What do you have against the kid
saying the Pledge of Allegiance?

It's indoctrination, man.

It's a Pledge.
Of Allegiance.

To the flag.

You might want to write
this down.

Of the United States
of America.

Mike, stop. Stop it.
And to the republic--

Boyd, will you do daddy a favor
and go in the other room?

I know, I know.
I'll be in the other room.

(Sighs) Mike, I am trying to
raise Boyd to think for himself.

I don't like the school
forcing him to say something.

But you're forcing him
not to say something.

Isn't that indoctrination,
man?

You know, what I'm wondering is,
when all these kids

Are saying the Pledge
of Allegiance,

Is Boyd just standing there
with his fingers in his ears

Humming "Old Macdonald"?

No. He and Sebastian
wait out in the hallway

Until everyone's done.
Oh.

See, Sebastian's
a Jehovah's witness

And objects
on religious grounds.
(Vanessa) Ahh.

How does Sebastian know
when to go back into the class?

He just waits for a real
inconvenient time

To ring the doorbell
a hundred times?

Okay, well, you know,
I would love to stay,

But, uh...
Oh, who am I kidding?

Boyd, come on, buddy.

What do you have against
the flag, anyway?

Because to most of the world,
that flag has come to stand

For war and conquest.

Right. Like that time
when Neil Armstrong

Planted that flag
right after slaughtering

All those moon people.

Mike, if the flag stood
for anything else,

You'd fly it every day,
and not just those days

That salute our military
and its leaders.

You actually have a point there.
And you know what?

I'm gonna start flying that flag
every day.

If you're not gonna teach
that kid some patriotism,

Grandpa's gonna.

Hey, dad.
Hey, Eve.

What's up, Boyd?
They're fighting again.

We are not fighting, son.
We're having a discussion.

No, we're fighting, and I'm
winning. That's what the--

Uh, Boyd, honey...
I know, I know.

Go upstairs
and get my backpack.

Hi, sweetie.
How was your day?
Hi.

Um, can you sign this?
I'm transferring out of Art.

Every little mistake I make,
Mr. Fahey's all up in my face.

Mm.
He's like a drill sergeant.

Yeah.
So I'm switching
to Junior ROTC.

ROTC? Really?

Playing at war is your idea
of high school fun?

Well, we know what your idea
of high school fun was--

It just ran upstairs
to get a backpack.

(Mouths word)

Well, dad, I was--
I was thinking about

What you and Mr. Larabee said
about honoring the flag, and...

Yeah.
I'm not ashamed to be
a patriot.

Yeah, yeah.
This is the face of someone

Who loves her country,
right here.

And we get to shoot rifles

And wear uniforms that really
freak out the stoners.

Junior ROTC.

Mike, I don't want her
to end up in the Army.

Baby, she's 14.
And legend has it

That 14-year-olds change
their minds now and then.

Drill marches,
field exercises...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Gun training--I hate it.

Listen, we both agreed

That whatever the girls
want to do,

We're gonna support
them in their path, correct?

Yeah, why do you only
remember what I say

When it benefits you?

Your question had
the answer built right in.

She's not gonna
join the Army.

And if she did, she'd have
the skills.

Thanks to me, she can
shoot and survive.

And thanks to you,
she can tolerate bland food.

Oh, ha ha ha.

(Knock on door)

Yeah?
Come in.

Hey.
Hey.

So, uh, dad, I was just
reading this flag code,

And it says ideally
you should raise it at sunrise.

Well, I'll be out there
with you.

Good night, sweetie.
Good night. Love you.

(Sighs) Do you realize...
(Sighs)

You just promised
to get up every day

Before sunrise
to raise that flag?

Yeah.
(Chuckles)

Well, I'm not like
some people

Who've made promises
in this bed they haven't kept.

(Clicks switch)

What?!

Good night.

(Alarm ringing)

("Stars and Stripes Forever"
playing)

(Ropes whooshing)

(Whooshing)

(Whooshing continues)

♪

(Mouths word)

(Clanging)

(Laughs)
(Mike mocks laugh)

♪

(Speaks inaudibly)

♪

(Revs)

(Chain saw roaring)

(Alarm ringing)

(Turns off alarm, clattering)
(Groans)

(Muttering and groans)
(Sighs)

(Drowsily) Have fun
with your flag, dear.
Yeah.

(Groans) Yeah.

Hey, grandpa!
Hey. Slow down.

Don't slip, don't slip,
don't slip, don't slip.

(Clicks tongue) Well,
there's old glory again.

Yeah, you can just
call me Mike.

Look. Every time Boyd
looks out his window,

What's he see? The beautiful
stars and stripes.

Yeah, 'cause, uh, who wants
to look out

And see the sunrise
and nature?

He'll get plenty of time
to see nature

When I teach him how to hunt.

We'll strap some nature
to the front of my truck

And drive it
right to your house.

Hey, Baxter, how's your cute
little pole?

Hey, Larabee, it's not
the size of your pole.

It's how you fly your flag.

Hey, come on over.
I want you to meet

My grandson's dad.

Hey! So you're
the baby daddy.

(Chuckles)
(Exhales)

Ryan Vogelson.
Pleasure to meet you, sir.
Hey.

So, dad who won't let his son
say the Pledge of Allegiance,

Why don't you meet a big
ex-Marine? Have at him.

I admire that you
stand up for your principles.

No, you don't.

I do!
I-I fought for America.

And to me, those stars
don't just represent 50 states.

They represent
different beliefs,

And I fought for them all.

You see, Mike? I am just
as much a patriot as you are.

No, you're not.

I admire
that you take a stand,

But until you sit
in the back of a Bradley

And brace for an incoming RPG,
you respect that flag.

Boom!

It was nice to meet you, sir.

There's some burn cream
in the girls' bathroom.

Wow, I've been waiting
for that.

Boy, I'll tell you,
that was beautiful!

That was beautiful!
(Laughs)

Well, I admit, I did
kind of enjoy that.

(Laughs)

You know, you don't have
to fly this every day...

Unless your house
is a post office.

Well, it is kind of like
a post office.

I got, you know,
more women than bathrooms,

So a lot of times
you wait in line to,

You know, drop stuff off.

(Laughs)

I just do this
to teach the kids

A little about patriotism.

Getting up at sunrise,
bringing her down at sunset.

And when it rains.
What?

This is not an all-weather
flag you got here,

And I got a little piece
of shrapnel in my leg

That says storm's a-comin'.

Y-you really enjoy this,
don't you?
(Laughs) Yeah.

Almost as much as when that
fella in my old neighborhood

Put up that Confederate flag.

Rained a little bit
on that one myself.

(Gunfire on videogame)
Oh, my god!

I can't believe I never
played this before! Ahh!

Wow. War is so much fun.
(Gunfire continues)

Boom! I am killing
everything in sight.

Seriously, look.
(Clicking)

(Laughs)
I'm killing everything.

Your guy got his head
blown off

The second we started
playing.

Oh, man, that was me?
Tsk. When do I get another guy?

Right now. Go.
Oh! Yeah!

(Gunfire continues)
(Squeals)

And you're dead again.
Ohh!

Ooh! Ah, look at my little
girls playing together.

Wading through human entrails.
(Explosions)

Hey, mom, check it out.

Look at my new
ROTC uniform.

Wow, it looks like
a real soldier's uniform.

I know. Isn't it awesome?
(Giggles)

Yeah, if it were 1989 and you
were Janet Jackson. (Laughs)

(Mouths word)

Burn! (Laughs)

So, uh, this is
my dress uniform,

And I'll be in camo when I'm
in country as a sniper.

Yeah, I decided
I wanted to be a sniper.

Oh. Well, that's words

Every little girl's mother
longs to hear.
Yeah.

But not just any sniper, mom.

I'm gonna be the first female
sniper in the Marine Corps.
Ohh.

You always told me to do
what I love, right?
Uh... I know, honey,

But that was when
you wanted to be a mermaid.

You know, it's... (Sighs)

Something realistic.

Mom, I get it.
You're worried.
Yeah.

But it's--it's a long way
off, and who knows?

I might change my mind
between now and then.

(Clicks tongue) All right.
Thanks.

That makes me feel better,
honey. Thanks.

Yeah.
(Gunfire resumes)

I might even want to be
a S.E.A.L.

That's practically
a mermaid.

(Sighs)

Let me get this straight.

Eve wants to be a jarhead?
Yeah.

A marine sniper?
Yeah.

And the way Vanessa's
reacting, you'd think

The kid was in Kandahar taking
shots at people right now.

Yeah? (Chuckles)

Well, I'm with Vanessa
on this one.
Why?

I don't think women should be
soldiers, priests,

Or Peter Pan.

Come on, Cathy Rigby,
uh, Mary Martin--

The name's Peter,
for crying out loud!

I'm just saying,
if one of my daughters

Wants to have a career
in the military,

I'm not okay with people
telling her that she can't.
Ah...

(Cell phone rings)
hold on a second. Just a minute.
Speaking of the devil.

Hey, Eve, we were just
talking about you.

Oh, all right.
I'll go take it down.

Okay.
I gotta leave early
in a minute.

What's going on?

Oh, she's really into
this military stuff.

It's raining.
I gotta take the flag down.

You know, when I was in Nam,
I couldn't imagine

Fighting alongside a lady.

I mean, you win wars
with boots on the ground, Mike.

Boots, not high heels.

(Door closes)

Hey, what are you doing home?

I came home
because it was raining.

I was supposed to take the flag
down, but it's not there.

Somebody steal it?

(Chuckles) No, Eve already
took it down.

(Vanessa typing)
Oh. Oh. Oh, oh. Good.

Mm.

Uh... Dad?

Okay, I'm really sorry,
but it was raining,

And the flag slipped
out of my hand

And landed in the mud.

It's okay to wash this.

You know, those colors
don't run from anything.

Except bleach.
Ohh.

Ohh. Well...

Looks like we've lost
two states.

Let's just hope it's New York
and California, huh?

I'm really sorry, dad,

But according to the flag code,
it has to be destroyed.

Oh.
Oh. Honey, don't worry.
We can get another one.

No, no. Why?
There's no reason.

It's--it's--this is
important to me emotionally,

'cause it flew over
the White House.

It's one of those...
Uh, Reagan flags.

You know, like Reagan,
it's irreplaceable.

I saw three on eBay.
Did you now?

Yeah.

I have to... Process this,
this loss.
Mm.

So I think it would be
too soon

To get another flag
on eBay.
Okay.

Well, we should take it to
the V.F.W. for proper disposal.

Ed's a veteran.
He'll take us there.

I'll go put on my uniform.

Ooh-rah!
Heh heh.

Admit it, a part of you
is really happy

This flag got messed up

So you don't have to deal
with it anymore.

Don't be ridiculous.

Yeah? Well, your birthday's
coming up!

I don't want a flag.

(Indistinct conversations)

(Ed) Welcome. Here you go.
Huh?

Whoa!
Here you are.

Cool.
Hey.

So all these guys
have seen action?

Yeah, yeah, everybody
but Rigley.

He still lives
with his mom.

I'm pretty sure she meant
combat action.

Ahh.

Hey. You know what
these things are?

Yeah.
That's a stealth bomber.

And that's the "Nautilus."
Mm.

The first nuclear-powered
submarine.

Hmm. Who's that?
General Patton?

No, that's, uh,
General Bob Hope.

Yes. I saw his S.S.O.
show in Nam.

He bombed more than L.B.J.

But that Ann-Margret...
(Snarls)

She reminded us
what we were fighting for.

(Laughs) Yeah.
Hey, Ed.

Hey, Stevens, how are you?
(Laughs)
How you doing, man?

My friend Mike Baxter.
Hey.

Mike, how do you do?
Pleasure.
It's good to meet you.

His daughter Eve.
Hi, Eve. How are you?

Hi.
Nice to meet you.

It's an honor
to meet you, sir.
Honor to meet you, ma'am.

Hey, Mike, Ed told me
about your flag.

Oh, a little accident
at home,

And we just wanted to make sure
it's disposed of properly.

Yeah. You know,
there might be

Something we can do
to repair this.

No, there's no reason
to repair it. You really--

You've done enough.

I just want to do it
the right way, let it go.

Come on. Let me show you
how to do it.
All right. We'll be right back.

Okay.
Come with me. Come with me.
Belly up, kiddo. (Laughs)

(Sighs)
Here we go.

Barkeep, two beers--
one regular, one root.

Mr. Alzate,
I got your root beer.

Thank you.

Hi. I'm Eve Baxter.
(Exhales)

(Chuckles) And I'm Ed Alzate.
How are you?

Nice to meet you.
Hello, Eve Baxter.
Hello, Ed.

How are you?
I'm Jean.

So, Junior ROTC, huh?

Yeah. That's how I got
my start.

Were you in the war?

Sure, but mostly I'm here
to meet guys.

(Ed clears throat)
(Indistinct conversations)

I never thought I would
miss Iraq.

(Ed chuckles)

Well, what did you do there,
if you don't mind me asking?

I was an armory gunner
on a convoy.

Wow.

Do you know what a SAW is?

Squad Automatic Weapon.

Belt-fed, gas-operated
machine gun.

(Breathes sharply) Yeah,
it's my weapon of choice

In "Call of Duty."

(Chuckles)

Well, it was my weapon of choice
protecting my convoys.

You were a point gunner
on a convoy?

Yeah. 41 trips back and forth
to the Green Zone,

And everyone came home safe.

Whew.
Must have been intense.

Not nearly as intense

As trip 42.

Hey.
Hey.

Whoa.

(Door opens)

(Vanessa) Hi!

Hey.
You hungry? Got some
pizza in the kitchen.

Okay.

(Breathes sharply)
How did it go?

Oh... Well, we got rid
of the flag properly.

Met a lot of veterans.
Couple guys from World War II.

And then we got this
rambling Vietnam veteran.

But you know Ed.
Wouldn't shut up.

And then a armory gunner
from Iraq, a woman.

She lost both her legs.

Oh, thank god.
Honey.

Uh, no, wait a minute.
Sorry. Uh...

No, but that--that
came out wrong.
Yeah.

No, I was hoping that Eve
would meet some real vets

And it would put her off
of this whole sniper business.

She was pretty quiet
in the car on the way home.
Yeah.

Eve, honey?

Yep?
Come here.

(Exhales)
You okay?

Yeah.

The v.F.W. was intense.
Yeah.

This Marine stuff
isn't just some videogame.

What I saw today was real.

Maybe we can get you back
into that art class, huh?

Forget that.

Meeting that gunner today
was really inspiring,

So, dad, can you take me
target shooting this weekend?

And, mom, I'm gonna need
some head-sized melons.

Grandpa!

Dad.
Hey, buddy.

(Chuckles)
How you doing?

Sorry about your flag,
grandpa.
Well, thank you.

Boyd felt bad about you
having to destroy it,

So he had an idea. Right?

Right.
You ready?

I ledge allegiance
to the flag

Of the United States
of America,

And to the republic
for which it stands,

One nation, under God,

The word that's hard to say...

(Mike laughs)

With liberty and justice
for all.

There you go.

(Boyd and Mike laughing)

How was that, grandpa?

That was absolutely perfect.
(Vanessa) Mm.

Aw. How come it's perfect
for him,

But when I forget the words,
you're all over me?

(Mike laughing)
Boyd, that was great!

Now you can say with the rest
of your class at school, huh?

No, I don't want to.

No, it's okay, sweetie. Your dad
said he was fine with it.

But if I stay
in the classroom,

Sebastian will have to stay
out in the hall by himself.

I think it would make him
feel bad.

Aw. Aw, honey! You are
the greatest! (Grunts)
(Chuckling)

No man left behind.

He's gonna be
a future Marine like me.

Over my dead body.

Everybody,
pizza in the kitchen.

Get it while it's hot.
Yeah!

Let's go.
Hey, Eve.

Sit down. I want to talk
to you for a minute.

(Groans)

This isn't the sex talk,
is it?

'Cause between Kristin,
Mandy, and the Internet,

I already know more
than I'd like to.

No. No.

Listen.

If you did want to become

The first female
Marine Corps sniper,

Your mom and I would be
very proud of you.

I won't let you down, dad.

But if you also decide
to be a doctor

Or a-a non-union teacher...

Or, what the heck,
even a union schoolteacher,

We'd still be very,
very proud of you.

Thanks.

But I'm a Baxter.
Yeah.

We kick ass and take names.

Yeah, but you know who
kicks ass and takes names?

You know, Ariel the mermaid.

She's, uh, tougher
than she looks.

(Knock on door)

Hey, Larabee, come on in.
Hey, Baxter.

How you doing?
Hey.

Hey. Now, hey, I heard about
what happened to your flag,

And I felt bad, so I--
I got you a little something.

Hey, don't worry.
It's not another flag.

Oh, that's too bad, 'cause I
could have used one, you know?
Yeah.

This is too--

Oh, that's right!

It is another flag!

Heh heh.
Heh.

It's--yes, it's beautiful.
It's really nice.
Uh...

You really shouldn't have.

Well, thanks, Mr. Larabee!
(Mike) Yeah.

And, Eve, this is for you.

(Exhales) Thanks.
Yeah.

What's the fun
of getting up at dawn

If you don't have
your very own...

Bugle!
Ohh!

(Bugle playing out of tune)