Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 23 - The Spotlight - full transcript

Hey, Mandy!
Guess whose eighth grade class

is going to your high school
next week to get oriented?

What!

♪ Yeah, uh-huh ♪

♪ yeah ♪

No.

- No. Stop. No. Stop. N-no.
- Mm-hmm.

- ♪ Yep, yep, yep ♪
- Stop it.

What's the problem?

What if she talks to me?
What if she embarrasses me?

Yeah, what if she doesn't
stop doing that?



Please. I had to deal with
you being a dork around me.

Do you remember when you
skated up to my locker

wearing those stupid heelys?

Yeah, I mean--
But look at me now, right?

Wow.

Ohh. I refuse to believe
you're going to high school,

because you will always be

my baby-waybee-
cutie-beauty-feauty!

Mmm...

Mom, those aren't words.

Oh.

Anyway, girls,
prepare to be impressed,

because your mother--
moi--

has been nominated for an award



honoring the volunteer
parent of the year

at Eve's school.

No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Hold your applause, because
I just got off the phone

with the principal, who told me
to prepare a few words,

which means... there's
a good chance I'm gonna win.

- That's great, mom.
- Yeah, mom.

Yeah, we're really
excited for you.

Yeah, thanks,
but I have to say,

the best part is being able
to sit here with you girls

and enjoy my moment...

Peyton Manning showed up
at the store today!

In the sun.

- Listen!
- What?!

He came down,

he looked right at me
and said, "You're Outdoor Man!"

- What?!
- Oh, my gosh!

- Look at this. I got pictures.
- No way!

He's carrying Ed like a football!

Ed's smiling,
but he wasn't happy.

- Mike?
- Here.

Oh, man, you are not
gonna believe this.

- You know Gina Armstrong?
- Uh-huh.

No, you don't.

Then why did you ask me?

Anyway, she got
her husband's landscaping firm

to donate sod
for the new baseball field.

That's good news.
Right field's like a swamp.

We lost a couple kids there
last year

'cause they didn't have
snorkels.

Honey, it's-- it's like
she's trying to buy

the volunteer parent award.

Calm down. You're a shoo-in
for this award.

Maybe they're just trying
to level the playing field

by literally leveling
the playing field.

You know, if she swoops in
and wins this thing

after all my hard work--
the-- the carnivals,

the bake sales,
the spaghetti dinners.

Oh, you know what?

I-I spent my birthday
in a dunk tank.

It was 43 degrees,
and it smelled like urine.

I thought you didn't care
about these awards.

I don't. 15 years
of volunteering,

and I never cared
about the recognition...

And I just
want the world to know that!

- Hey, boss, you rang?
- Yeah, come in, Mike.

Have you looked at this market research?

I did that market research.

Well, then I don't need
to tell you

that we have to increase
our-- our brand awareness

among young males

and reach the outdoor men
of tomorrow, right?

Right. Unfortunately,
the Outdoor Man of tomorrow

tends to be
the shoplifters of today.

I've been kicking around
an idea. All right?

- What do you think of this?
- All righty.

Yeah, what if we released

an Outdoor Man action figure
inspired by you?

Look at that.

Wow, like a superhero?
Huh?

Who said anything
about a s--

Y-you think you're
a superhero?

You brought it up, Ed.

I have a lead
with a Chinese toy company.

- We'll get 'em cheap.
- I don't know.

I don't want that kind
of recognition

from the communists.

You-- you just want
super powers?

You brought it up!
- Okay.

Who wants super powers?

Mike does.

If I could have one power,
it would be flight.

How about you,
Mr. Alzate?

The ability to digest
any food easily.

If you could have one power,
that would be it?

You have no idea
the kind of night that--

That I had last night.

- I think my power's way better than yours.
- Yeah.

What, are you keeping score?

Wait a second.

Keeping score-- I think
I got an idea

how we could bring in
the younger demographic.

Can I change
my power to invisibility?

I wish you would.

Hey, honey.

So how was orientation?

Crazy. How did you make it
through high school?

I had a baby
and finished online.

Oh, right.

Mom...

High school is so different.

Kids making out in the halls,
tattoos,

and if there were any girls
without big boobs,

they were hiding.

Honey, I know it can be
overwhelming,

but it doesn't start
until next fall.

I promise you'll fit in.
You just--

You just have to find
your... thing.

What was your thing?

Rainbow suspenders

and a tube top.

You know, it doesn't
sound hot, but it was.

Do we have company,
or is it tiny dinner night?

Oh...

No, some parent volunteers
and I are arranging

the displays for the auction
before the awards ceremony.

The award you're gonna win?

Shh! It's not official yet!

- Hey, everybody!
- Hi!

I have some rewards
for all your hard labor.

- Oh, thank you.
- There you go.

- Except for you, Mel.
- You were ten minutes late.

I was!

Vanessa, you're funny
because your jokes

are based on true events.

- Please, sit down. Take a break.
- Ohh...

I mean, come on. You've
basically won the award already.

Oh, please. No, there are a lot
of other candidates,

and, uh, Gina Armstrong's
husband did donate sod

for the new baseball field.

She's right. Everybody's
talking about the sod.

But Vanessa's been
an unsung hero for years.

She painted the band room
with a 104-degree fever.

Oh... Liz, we all
worked really hard that day.

But my doctor did say I
could have died.

Right. Right.

And your husband donating
the scoreboard today.

Exactly. Wait-- what?!
What scoreboard?

For the baseball field.

You didn't know?

Oh, score-- scoreboard.

Uh, yeah. Of course.
No. Yes.

Everyone's talking
about the scoreboard.

I thought they were
talking about the sod.

The sod and the scoreboard.

I don't know
what you're mad about.

Gina's husband
leveled the playing field.

I just tilted it back
in our direction.

But, Mike, it looks like you're
trying to buy me the award.

It doesn't mean as much
if you buy it.

It doesn't mean anything
if you don't win it.

So, what, so you think
I'm not gonna win it?

I thought you didn't think
you were gonna win it.

Why did you give me
that big sod story?

Look, it was a good promotional
idea for Outdoor Man.

It's a gift from you and I.

Really? Well, wh-what does
the scoreboard say?

Well, the score.

And what else?

We sponsored it,
so it says "Outdoor Man."

Yeah, and-- and who is
Outdoor Man?

In a way, aren't we all?

You deal with him.

She's mad about
the scoreboard thing, huh?

I wasn't eavesdropping.
I was secretly listening.

Usually when I annoy her,

I know that I've done it
and I do it anyway.

But this one
I didn't even see coming.

Dad, you and I are a lot alike.

No, we're not.

We're both blessed with
a natural charisma, you know?

You're Outdoor Man.
I'm Mandy Baxter.

Sometimes that makes it
hard on those around us.

What are you talking about?

You tend to steal
the spotlight.

You know, like, do you remember

when mom got that big raise,
and then the same day

you landed the cover
of "Colorado Wildlife"?

I didn't plan that.
Sure. Okay.

Or when she ran
the half-marathon.

Oh, and the guy drops
from heat exhaustion?

- I gave him CPR.
- Mm-hmm.

But when she crossed
the finish line,

everybody was back there
staring at you.

And same thing
with the other day.

Mom learned about
her boring award,

and you met Peyton Manning.

You steal the spotlight.
That's why she's mad.

I don't steal the spotlight.
It just... finds me.

But sometimes

you know, you and I-- We've got to
dial down our natural charm

so we fit in with
the rest of... the others.

You know, I'm
sure buried underneath...

All that is some
good advice, but...

Remember, dad,
sometimes even the sun

has to duck behind a cloud.

Why are you crying?

It's just sometimes I say
the most beautiful things.

- Hey, kid.
- Oh, Mr. Alzate?

- Yeah?
- Can I talk to you for a second?

Kyle, you don't need to ask
permission to talk to me.

But since you asked,
permission denied.

- Uh, wait a second.
- Huh?

I thought
you might like to know

that a shipment arrived
this morning from Shanghai.

- The action figures!
- I put them in your office.

Right on schedule.
All right!

So Mr. B finally
gave you the go-ahead?

Uh, not exactly.
I'd already ordered them,

but I'm sure
he's gonna love 'em.

Uh...

Uh, s-something's not right.

I expected more action
in these figures,

and less... bobble.

Well, I specifically said
"Jiaosewawa,"

not "Yaotouwawa."

- It gets worse.
- Yeah?

Turn it around.

"Backdoor Man."

That could be either
good or bad.

You know...

I'm quite sure
he'll think it's bad.

Right, Mr. B?

Don't let him see this.
All right?

Thank God I only ordered five.

You ordered 5,000.

Okay, well, I have to brush up
on my mandarin, I guess.

- Dad, you look really nice.
- Thank you.

Although that tie
is a little subdued for you.

Yeah. Honey, why didn't you wear
the tie I put out for you?

Honey, this is your night.
I want you to shine.

I'll change, but it just
makes my eyes sparkle.

No, no.

Dad, no. That tie's perfect.
It does nothing for you.

Mandy, honey,
thanks for offering

to drive Eve to the high school
orientation mixer.

Oh, yeah, sure. No problem.
And, uh, I did her makeup, too.

Ta-da!

Hey, guys. What do--
What do you think?

I'm... kinda conflicted.

You look beautiful...

and you're grounded.

Is my little girl
somewhere under there?

Come on. Be supportive.

This is a big step for
our little Peppermint Patty.

Mom, can I talk to you
real fast?

Yeah. Yeah.

What, uh...
What is it, honey?

- Do I have to go?
- Oh...

I don't fit in.
I don't have big boobs.

I don't have a nose ring.

I don't have a whale tail.

What's a--
What's a whale tail?

You know,
when your jeans ride down,

- and your thong rides up.
- Okay-- All right, all right.

You will never have
one of those.

Honey, listen, just...

High school is a little scary.

Most new things are.

But I like where I am.

I just got junior high
all figured out.

I know, but then that just
means you're ready

to take the next step.

Sweetie, sweetie, listen to me.

There comes a point where
you need to say good-bye

to one part of your life

and say hello to something new.

Like "R"-rated movies?

Absolutely not.

Those are just full of
curse words and violence.

I just helped dad
change a tire last week.

I'm pretty familiar
with curse words and violence.

Oh.

Wow, they did a pretty nice job
sprucing up this dump.

What do you mean, "they"?
I was here at 6:00 AM.

What is this?

I give a Peyton Manning
signed NFL football,

and the best this couple
could come up with

was a-a semi-used DVD collection
of "Designing Women"?

This is an auction.
It's not a landfill.

All right, stop it.
I'm gonna start the bidding.

Might as well just
put it in your purse.

No one's gonna bid on this...

Unless it's me.

Well, what are you doing?
I just bid--

Just outbid you
so it'll stay here.

Here's some ni--
Oh, look at this!

It's a whole collection.
"Scarface."

Fake money,
a little machine gun, cigars--

- This is worth something.
- All right, you know what?

The only thing I like about
this basket is the basket.

There's the principal.
I'm gonna go kiss his ring.

There you go.

Yeah.

This is just--

Say hello

to my little friend!

All right, honey,
I think everything's set.

Gosh, great turnout.

- Vanessa!
- Mm. Yeah? Excuse me.

- There's a problem with the salmon
hors d'oeuvres. - Oh. What is it?

Everyone's eating them...
And then throwing up.

Including Phil.

Oh, no! No! Phil's our emcee.

Well, not unless we're moving
this party to the bathroom.

Stan, put the salmon down!

Oh, no, honey.

Looks like I'm gonna
have to emcee.

You can't emcee this function.

Why? Why not? I'm funny.

- Yeah, you're hilarious, but, uh...
- Yeah.

- Let's just say you win the award.
- Mm-hmm.

You gonna give it to yourself?

Oh. You're right.

- You should do it.
- No.

No, no, no, no, no.
It'll be just as bad.

I open the envelope,
say your name,

they're not gonna believe me.

Honey, wait. First of all,
there's no envelope.

It's not an awards show, okay?

The-- the principal just whispers
in your ear. That's it.

Honey, please.
Please, please, please.

I just-- I need this
to be a success.

All right. Let's be
very clear about this.

You are asking me
to step into the spotlight

- and do my best?
- Yes, that is-- That is the idea.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you.

- Good luck.
- All right. Good.

Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!

So the bear comes over to me--

We were camping, right?
And he says,

"I heard what you said.
Of course we do it in the woods.

We don't have outhouses!"

Nah. No, I got a million
of these.

Let's talk about our gym coach--
Steve Stifleman, huh?

Great guy, great family man.

What Steve doesn't know--

If we don't get 30 grand
tonight,

his position is gone.

Going, going, gone--
There we go! Come on!

Always the little lady
giving away the money, isn't it?

Look at her. We got $1,500.
$1,500 for this lovely quilt.

Do I have $1,600?
$1,600...

You know, we're on pace to make

twice as much money
as last year.

Yeah, I know.
It's going great.

I'm looking at you, Scott.

Come on, Scott.
Eye contact.

I don't think Jessica knows
how much money

you've been making on those
Monday night poker games.

Boy, kinda chilly
over here, isn't it?

Hey, hey, come on.
2,500 bucks.

It's for the quilt.
You're gonna need it,

'cause you'll be sleeping
on the couch now, Scooter!

Vanessa, congratulations.
I just heard!

I know! We're really
raking this in.

- Going once...
- No!

I'm talking about getting
the volunteer parent award.

- Going twice...
- Whoo!

$2,500 to...
My wife over there.

Hey!

You won!

Oh!

And they gave you a quilt.

Yeah. $2,500 later,

a quilt with not a child
I recognize.

It was very nice.
They gave me a standing ovation.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Oh, I actually thought I got
a standing ovation once at work,

but it turned out
that it was a rat

running across the restaurant!

- Hey!
- Hey!

Guess who was one of the last
people to leave the dance!

Our little social butterfly.

- That's great!
- ♪ Whoo, whoo ♪

What's so great about it?

This is not great.
Why did we beat them home?

Well, mom, you were right.

It was time for me to put away
part of my life

and start something new.
Oh, my gosh, I'm so wired.

I don't even know how
I'm gonna get to sleep.

Hey, I got an idea.
Curl up with this quilt...

- And "Scarface."
- Mike!

An "R"-rated movie? Yes!
Thanks, dad!

Turn the sound down
and shut your eyes!

She'll be all right.
She's a big girl now.

Yeah, she is.
She's a big girl.

I guess I should take
some of my own advice.

Yeah. Wow, that was
a great night, huh?

Record amount raised.

You got the volunteer award.

You took it to Gina
and her husband

with that long speech.
I loved that.

It's funny
how you did that--

What's the matter, honey?
I'm sorry.

Look, you told me
to get on the stage

and do that spotlight thing.

I said-- The spotlight--
I just--

- Oh, honey...
- I'm like a prisoner against the wall.

The spotlight finds me.

What the hell are you
talking about?

Are you mad because I took--
I took the spotlight?

No, no. It's just...

Our last child
is going to high school.

I'm just sad. I...

- Yeah.
- Sad.

Is there anything I can do?

No.
No, nothing. Nothing.

You can't stop the girls
from growing up.

Yeah.

You know, I just--

I guess I need to
work through this myself.

I need a little time.

- Just be sad for a little while.
- I get it.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Look. Where you going?

You just said you wanted
to work this out.

Not now!

Oh, yeah.

Ohh, boy.

Yeah.

Whoo!

Oh...

- All right.
- Mike, I don't know about this.

- Come on. Come on.
- I feel ridiculous.

It's your chance to be
in the spotlight.

No, I'm not really
a spotlight person.

- That's you. I don't--
- Okay, we'll just--

We'll cancel everything.
We won't--

No, no, no, no, no!
I'm gonna do it.

Roll it. Roll it. Roll it.

First off, you don't
"roll" this.

And don't look there.
Look in the camera.

- Talk to the camera.
- All right. All right, I got it.

When you're ready to go,
just press the space bar.

Okay. All right. Go.

Hi. I'm Vanessa Baxter
for Outdoor Man.

Men, take a five.

Ladies, you know how
when your husband

goes on those hunting trips,

and they think they're
getting away with something?

But the truth is,
we couldn't be happier.

Really?

Husbands are gone,
there's no snoring,

no scratching, no gas.

I mean, the whole place
smells 20% better.

Right? See?

So remember this--

Every time you buy your man
a piece of camping equipment,

you're really buying yourself
a day of peace and quiet.

- Okay, I think you--
- Wait, I got more--

- No, I think you've-- you've said enough.
- No, no. So, hey.

Come on down to Outdoor Man

and get your husbands
off your back...

And off your front.

Are you crazy?

You know, our minister
watches this.

Oh, please.
He's got eight kids.

He knows
what I'm talking about.