Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 22 - This Bud's for You - full transcript
Mike's father Bud moves into town and begins working on a new Outdoor Man store. His girlfriend moves in with him. Mike is upset at his father living with a woman.
What do you think?
It's better than the R.V.,
the toilet empties itself.
And it doesn't rock violently
when I cross the room.
You know, dad, we can certainly
look at other places.
I mean, you're gonna be here
a whole year
while you build the new store.
I did two tours in 'nam.
If it's not a tunnel
filled with snakes,
I'm good.
Yeah. This from the guy that
sent his spaghetti back twice.
I didn't like the way
the kitchen prepared it.
We weren't at a restaurant.
Hey, grandpa, are you sure
this place isn't too small?
"Too small"?
Me and Nana's first apartment
was a studio
with a broken Murphy bed.
We slept at a 45-degree angle.
If one of us got up, the other
one was pancaked into the wall.
Mike?
Uh-huh.
(Clicks tongue)
Honey, you know,
I don't like this place.
It's depressing.
It's gonna be fine. My brother's
gonna move in in 30 days.
He'll have a roommate, right?
Have some company?
Yeah, but... it's... the price is right.
It's close to work.
It's gonna be fine. He's family.
Shouldn't he be living with us?
Whoo! Whoa! No.
No way. Look at him.
Too light.
No, too dark.
Too light.
Way too dark.
That's it!
Nope, you missed it.
and here we are in cozumel.
Ooh!
We're parasailing.
Look at you two kids!
Look at that!
(Laughs) Mexico.
Yeah.
Yeah, I used to take my...
my wives number
one, two, and four there.
Number three was a racist.
(Mutters)
A gorgeous, gorgeous racist.
(Mutters)
And this is us in acapulco.
Ah, look at that!
What are you doing,
showing pictures
of you and mom in Mexico?
No, it's me and Stella,
the woman I've been seeing.
I told you about her.
Yeah.
She looks great in a bathing
skirt, doesn't she? Oh, yeah.
Well, let's just, uh,
put the pictures away, okay?
Come on. I love your dad.
He's... he's a great storyteller.
Yeah, he is.
Has he told you the story
about how he invented
the big Mac?
All I can say is that I was
eating two all-beef patties
at a picnic...
Uh-huh.
And there was a clown
staring at me.
Tell me that's a coincidence.
That's a coincidence.
Mr. A., Mr. B.
Hmm?
Doctor's ready for your physicals.
Ooh. Right.
Who wants to go first?
I'm gonna go first if it's all right with you.
Physical? What do you
need a physical for?
I can tell you what's wrong.
You slouch.
And you rely too much
on sarcasm.
Listen. I know you like
beating people, pop.
Look. This is Larry,
one of our best employees.
What he's gonna do is
he's gonna walk you downstairs,
out to your car.
Make sure he starts it
and drives away.
I get it.
I've overstayed my welcome.
Yeah. Okay, pal.
Take care.
Larry,
did you know that I invented
the big Mac?
What are these physicals
for, anyway?
Oh, healthy employees mean
I-I pay
lower insurance premiums.
Am I getting insurance?
No, that's for employees
who own something
other than a dirt bike
and a full head of hair.
When you look at it that way,
I am pretty lucky.
(Knock on door)
(Mutters)
Well, give it to me straight,
doc. Could you save the beard?
Come in, Mike.
So are we done here, doc?
Uh, actually, I'd like to speak
in private, if we could.
Oh, anything you need
to tell me,
you can say that
in front of Mike here.
Uh, except where it concerns
this area here, right here.
It actually concerns you,
Mr. Baxter.
(Laughs) Oh. Sorry.
If you're dying, I apologize.
No one is dying. Okay.
Feel free, unless it involves
this area here.
Uh, there's been a noticeable
spike in your blood pressure
compared to previous years.
What?
Yeah.
High blood pressure?
Yeah.
Sure you got the right chart?
Yes.
This guy went to grade school
with Calvin coolidge.
No, no, Mike, your numbers
are a little elevated.
It's very common, particularly
with men in high-stress jobs.
You know what?
Come back here in seven days.
I will get those numbers down.
I can do this.
I like a challenge.
So y-you're gonna lower stress
by doing battle with yourself?
Yeah.
I like it.
L-listen.
You need to eliminate
things that cause you stress.
I live in a house
with four women.
Yikes!
Then, all things considered,
you're doing pretty well.
Th... we do have one thing
that might help.
Whenever you feel stress,
squeeze this.
Wow.
We live in an amazing age.
(Dance music playing on TV)
No! Stop! What are you doing?
I want to see how that ends.
One dance mom yells
at the other dance mom,
and then they both get
yelled at by that big teacher.
How do you know that?
Because it's every episode.
(Clicks)
(Man on TV) Goal!
(All shouting at once)
It's mine! It's mine! Girls!
Girls! Come on! Hey!
No, no, no, no, no!
We talked about this!
No yelling, more cooperat...
Mandy, get off of her!
Come on.
But, Eve, good way
to protect the remote.
Keep it high and tight like
that, just like I taught you.
Girls, we need to avoid this
until your father
retakes his stress test.
Honey, the only reason
I was stressed at work
is 'cause dad was there,
talking to people,
showing pictures,
bringing up that dumb story
that he invented the big Mac.
Well, I don't know, dad.
A clown with binoculars.
Makes a pretty compelling case.
You know,
maybe he's just lonely.
(Lowered voice)
Yeah, we're all lonely.
What the hell's that
supposed to mean?
I thought that was
the inner voice.
You know, dad, you may
wanna consider doing yoga,
because studies show that
cultures that do yoga
and meditation have
different brain chemistry.
I've done photo shoots
in those countries.
They should spend less time
doing yoga
and more time developing
their sewers.
That was stressful right there.
Oh, really?
A little stressful.
I really believe that stress
is mind over matter.
(Doorbell rings)
(Animals chittering
and growling)
Nobody get up.
Don't get up. I got it.
Don't stress yourself.
I'll get it.
Hi, V. Hiya.
Bud, hey. Hi. Hi.
Hey, dad. Ah, good.
You're all together.
Hello. We were just
on our way to dinner,
but I thought you might like to meet
my special lady... Stella. (Door closes)
She'll be staying with me
at the apartment.
She's gonna be what?
We're living together.
Dad!
We're shackin' up.
Dad!
Cohabitating.
Sharing a hat rack.
I got the picture.
Uh, you know what?
We're... we're being rude.
Hi. I'm Vanessa...
Ah, I'm so...
and, uh, this is my husband Mike.
Mike.
Uh, come on in, come on in.
Sit down.
Meet the girls.
(Chuckles)
This is, uh, Mandy...
Hi.
Kristin, Eve.
Hey.
I am so glad to meet you all.
Bud is so proud of his family.
(Chuckling)
So did you move here
from Durango?
Well, of course. I gotta
keep an eye on this guy.
Otherwise, he's eating
junk food,
he'll stop going on his walks,
and start watching smut
on the television.
"Smut"?
That's "dancing with the stars."
Uh, dad, are you okay?
This is how you looked
the day Tim Tebow got traded.
Ah, I'm good. I-I'm good.
I'm better than good.
I finally get to meet...
Stella.
Always askin' dad,
"when are you gonna bring...
Stella?"
You never said that once.
You know Mike.
He's always thinking things
and then not saying them.
Anyhoo, uh, we better
get going.
Oh. If we don't get to that
buffet line in 20 minutes,
our coupon's no good.
It was wonderful to meet all of you.
Thank you.
You are a beautiful family.
(Vanessa) Thanks.
Bud is a lucky man.
(Mike) Yeah.
How lucky?
Not that lucky.
(Mouths words)
Yeah, she's horrible.
What?!
I'm just sayin'
what we're all thinkin'.
I wasn't thinking that.
No, me, neither.
I liked her.
Well, you're wrong.
Dad, it seems like she takes
good care of grandpa. Yeah.
You know what's wrong here?
Is... is you people just like
people for no reason.
(Grunts)
Mike Baxter here
for outdoor man.
Summer's coming.
It's time to relax and enjoy
Colorado's big rivers...
white-water rafting.
Big falls, sharp rocks,
class 4 rapids.
Sounds stressful, right?
That's because it is,
you babies!
Stress built this country.
You remember
the Boston tea party?
It has "tea" in it, "party."
"Tea party"...
sounds stress-free.
Well, it wasn't!
We went in there,
grabbed the tea,
knocked the box over,
threw it in the harbor
to protest unfair taxation.
And if we hadn't done
stuff like that,
we'd be speaking in that
weird accent Madonna picked up,
selling scones
and Shepherd's pie to people.
There's good stress...
winning at Talladega.
Yeah! Coming into
that finish line.
Bad stress... your car's on fire!
Good stress is heading
down the river in a kayak.
Bad stress is noticing the only
one with you is Ned Beatty.
This country was built
on stress.
That's right.
And just like it was good
to throw the tea in the water
with the Boston tea party,
it's good to throw
these kayaks in the water.
Where do you find 'em?
Outdoor man!
Do we sell stuff
that's stress-free? No!
That's the point,
you worrywarts!
(Screams)
{Pub}(Switch clicks)
The nerve of my dad
bringing that woman over here,
getting everybody all riled up.
You do realize the "everybody"
in your story is just... you.
(Thud)
I don't trust her.
Oh.
I think maybe
she's just using my dad.
Oh, really? For what?
(Groans)
His, uh, coupon collection?
Some of those coupons
are worth double
in certain stores.
(Sighs)
Mike, honey...
I know this is hard for you,
but it's a natural progression
for people to move on,
no matter how much
they loved their spouses.
So it'd be okay if I moved on
after you go?
Who says I'm going first?
For the sake of this exchange.
(Chuckles) Yeah, okay.
It's okay for me to move on if you
go right now... Yes, of course.
If you were to go... you're gone.
You know why?
I would want you to be happy.
What if it's a 25-year-old
beauty contestant?
If you don't mind looking
ridiculous, you go for it.
Okay. Okay, okay.
Maybe I will.
So I have your blessing now.
Good. Maybe that's
exactly what I'll do.
You do. You do.
Yeah. That's what I'll do.
(Switch clicks)
(Sighs)
Yeah. That's exactly
what I'm gonna do.
Just, uh, out of curiosity,
where do you think
you're gonna meet
this desperate beauty queen?
Maybe in between
beauty contests...
Hmm?
She works for the mortuary.
She did your hair and makeup.
All right. All right, good.
And then, uh,
that's a plan. Good.
Good. That's a great plan.
Good. Okay.
You date some young whore,
and I'll haunt you
till you kill yourself.
Good night, sweetheart.
Yeah.
(Kiss)
Love you.
Love you, too.
(Sighs)
Oh. Hey, bud.
Hey, V.
I didn't know you were
coming by.
Yeah, Stella's
at her stretching class.
I figured I'd come by
for a hot dog.
She won't let me eat anything
that once had a face.
Yeah, I know what she means.
I was at
a Japanese restaurant once,
and when they brought my fish,
it winked at me.
Did you...
did you paint the moldings?
Uh, it was on the to-do list
on the fridge.
I also fixed the front door
and that loose step.
Could you, uh, take a look
at the water heater later?
Just, um...
You know, Mike's just been
a little too stressed
to get to it.
I'll do it right now.
By the way...
What did Mike think of Stella?
Oh, she, uh... she... she made
a big impression.
So he liked her?
Ohh! Please! (Chuckles)
"Please" what? Uh...
Did he like her or not?
(Clicks tongue)
Bud, you're killing me. Uh...
Look, he... (Sighs)
You know Mike.
He... he has a hard time
with change.
I mean, he... if he could,
he'd still travel by steamship.
So he hated her.
No. No, no. It just...
he's... he's...
he's got that
high blood pressure thing,
and... and he's got to re-take
that insurance test, and...
Bud. Bud.
Maybe it would be better
if you just
didn't bring her around here.
Uh, just for a week.
("Aloha 'oe" playing over P.A.)
(Mike) Hey, ed! Ed!
Hey, hi, Mike.
Or should I say, "aloha"?
Huh?
What the hell
is with the music?
We always play soothing
tropical music
to relieve stress.
That's one of our things.
We never play music. We don't
have a "thing" like that.
We bust the balls of stores
that do stuff like this.
Mr. Alzate,
we got a big problem.
What's the big problem, Kyle?
No problem.
How about this music?
Makes me think of girls
with coconut bras.
Guys, look, I know what you're
doing, and I appreciate it.
You're trying to lower
my blood pressure.
But when you don't tell me
what's happening,
I just assume the worst.
Fine. You know the shipment
of water skis?
The manufacturer says we won't
get them until Christmas.
All right, all right, all right.
We can deal. We can deal.
Why... why do you have
to tell him this?
Well, to prove it's not
the worst-case scenario...
Which would be that all
four guys on the loading dock
have food poisoning.
Is that true?
(Laughing) Oh, no.
(Laughing) Oh, good.
(Whispers) Yes.
(Doorbell rings)
Hey, V.
Hey, bud. (Chuckles)
What's all this?
Ah, it's just a little
housewarming gift
for you and Stella.
I just want you to know
that if you love her,
we love her, and, uh...
And Mike will learn to love her.
Well, you're a little late.
What?
It's not even dark out.
How early do you guys
go to bed?
No, I mean, Stella's gone.
I sent her back to durango.
What?
(Refrigerator door closes)
Why?
Because you said
Mike hated her.
Uh, on the plus side,
I can eat anything I want.
Who wants chocolate?
I do!
{Pub}You broke up with Stella
because of what I said?
We didn't break up. I just put
her on a bus back to durango.
This way she won't be around
to bug Mike.
Oh, bud.
Oh, God, I feel awful.
I mean, just... (Sighs)
You really like Stella.
Mike is my son.
Yeah.
I don't want
to see him stressed.
Why do you think I was fixing
things around the house?
(Laughing) I thought it was
to kiss up to me.
Why would I need
to kiss up to you?
(Clicks tongue) Gosh,
Durango's six hours away.
Aren't you afraid you two
are gonna grow apart?
Nah. I'll see her
when I can.
Mm.
And she promised me
we would "sext."
What is that, by the way?
(Knock on door)
(Mike) What a surprise.
Come on in.
Hey, honey. Uh, we need
to talk about your father.
Is he all right?
He's okay.
Sit down. What's up?
Uh, he's great.
Um... I, uh... I may have
caused a bit of a-a thing.
What kind of a thing?
An expensive thing?
No, no...
Your father asked me
if you liked Stella...
Yeah?
And he was relentless.
Oh, please.
And I finally said "no."
Why did you say that?
Because, Mike... because it is the truth.
So? Since when
do I tell the truth?
(Sighs) So he sent her back.
(Imitates bud) "I put her
on the bus back to durango."
You make my dad
sound like Mike Ditka.
(Normal voice, mouth full)
Anyway, I just... I feel terrible.
You know what? Get these
chocolates away from me.
I can't... you know, this
is why men don't talk.
It just leads into trouble.
Men don't talk because
they are emotionally lazy.
This is a good time to have that lecture, huh?
All right, you know what?
I... honey, I know this was my fault.
Yeah, it's your fault.
But you can fix this...
I'm not gonna fix it. You're the one...
if you would just have a real conversation...
Don't... don't put this...
with your father,
then you could work through
whatever it is that you guys
need to work through.
You took a bite out of
every one of these chocolates.
(Sports game playing on TV)
(Knock on door)
(Man speaking in Spanish)
Hey, dad.
Son. Come on in.
What's going on here?
ESPN 1, ESPN 2, and deportes.
What, do you run a little
sports book, Uncle junior?
I had, uh... I had a few TVs
left over from the build.
But I can cover any action
up to $200 a bet.
What brings you here?
Well, uh...
(Opener clatters)
I had a little
conversation with Vanessa.
Oh, God, it's an epidemic.
Dad, I just came by to tell you
I appreciate the concern.
All right. Don't go
to pieces on me.
I got a quiniela on this
next harness race.
Shut 'em off for a minute,
will you, please?
(Clicking)
I think we should talk
about Stella.
(Clicks tongue,
breathes deeply)
Look.
It must be hard for you
to see me
with someone
that's not your mother.
Um... it's hard
not seeing mom, period.
And whenever I see you,
I half expect mom to come
in the room right after you.
(Clicks tongue)
Your mother's been dead
for five years.
If your mother walked in
behind me, I'd...
Crap my pants.
I think you should call Stella
and get her back here.
You'd be all right with that?
Mnh-mnh.
No. But, dad,
I want you to be happy.
Well, at least you don't
want me to die lonely.
No. In a perfect world,
you should have died
the day after mom.
Fair enough.
(Bottles clink)
{Pub}(Vanessa) So your
blood pressure went down
as soon as you made up
with your father.
Huh. Who would have
seen that coming?
You know, what gets
my blood pressure back up
is you gloating.
I have some music
to put you in the mood.
Listen to this.
("Aloha 'oe playing)
In the mood for what?
Poi?
Ed was playing this at work,
and I hated it.
But it started getting
into my head,
and now I kinda like it.
I'm in the mood
for a whole pig.
Not exactly what a wife
wants to hear
right as she's taking off
her robe, but...
(Sighs)
(Sighs)
♪
(Kiss)
Mmm.
Good night, honey.
Good night, baby.
♪
It's better than the R.V.,
the toilet empties itself.
And it doesn't rock violently
when I cross the room.
You know, dad, we can certainly
look at other places.
I mean, you're gonna be here
a whole year
while you build the new store.
I did two tours in 'nam.
If it's not a tunnel
filled with snakes,
I'm good.
Yeah. This from the guy that
sent his spaghetti back twice.
I didn't like the way
the kitchen prepared it.
We weren't at a restaurant.
Hey, grandpa, are you sure
this place isn't too small?
"Too small"?
Me and Nana's first apartment
was a studio
with a broken Murphy bed.
We slept at a 45-degree angle.
If one of us got up, the other
one was pancaked into the wall.
Mike?
Uh-huh.
(Clicks tongue)
Honey, you know,
I don't like this place.
It's depressing.
It's gonna be fine. My brother's
gonna move in in 30 days.
He'll have a roommate, right?
Have some company?
Yeah, but... it's... the price is right.
It's close to work.
It's gonna be fine. He's family.
Shouldn't he be living with us?
Whoo! Whoa! No.
No way. Look at him.
Too light.
No, too dark.
Too light.
Way too dark.
That's it!
Nope, you missed it.
and here we are in cozumel.
Ooh!
We're parasailing.
Look at you two kids!
Look at that!
(Laughs) Mexico.
Yeah.
Yeah, I used to take my...
my wives number
one, two, and four there.
Number three was a racist.
(Mutters)
A gorgeous, gorgeous racist.
(Mutters)
And this is us in acapulco.
Ah, look at that!
What are you doing,
showing pictures
of you and mom in Mexico?
No, it's me and Stella,
the woman I've been seeing.
I told you about her.
Yeah.
She looks great in a bathing
skirt, doesn't she? Oh, yeah.
Well, let's just, uh,
put the pictures away, okay?
Come on. I love your dad.
He's... he's a great storyteller.
Yeah, he is.
Has he told you the story
about how he invented
the big Mac?
All I can say is that I was
eating two all-beef patties
at a picnic...
Uh-huh.
And there was a clown
staring at me.
Tell me that's a coincidence.
That's a coincidence.
Mr. A., Mr. B.
Hmm?
Doctor's ready for your physicals.
Ooh. Right.
Who wants to go first?
I'm gonna go first if it's all right with you.
Physical? What do you
need a physical for?
I can tell you what's wrong.
You slouch.
And you rely too much
on sarcasm.
Listen. I know you like
beating people, pop.
Look. This is Larry,
one of our best employees.
What he's gonna do is
he's gonna walk you downstairs,
out to your car.
Make sure he starts it
and drives away.
I get it.
I've overstayed my welcome.
Yeah. Okay, pal.
Take care.
Larry,
did you know that I invented
the big Mac?
What are these physicals
for, anyway?
Oh, healthy employees mean
I-I pay
lower insurance premiums.
Am I getting insurance?
No, that's for employees
who own something
other than a dirt bike
and a full head of hair.
When you look at it that way,
I am pretty lucky.
(Knock on door)
(Mutters)
Well, give it to me straight,
doc. Could you save the beard?
Come in, Mike.
So are we done here, doc?
Uh, actually, I'd like to speak
in private, if we could.
Oh, anything you need
to tell me,
you can say that
in front of Mike here.
Uh, except where it concerns
this area here, right here.
It actually concerns you,
Mr. Baxter.
(Laughs) Oh. Sorry.
If you're dying, I apologize.
No one is dying. Okay.
Feel free, unless it involves
this area here.
Uh, there's been a noticeable
spike in your blood pressure
compared to previous years.
What?
Yeah.
High blood pressure?
Yeah.
Sure you got the right chart?
Yes.
This guy went to grade school
with Calvin coolidge.
No, no, Mike, your numbers
are a little elevated.
It's very common, particularly
with men in high-stress jobs.
You know what?
Come back here in seven days.
I will get those numbers down.
I can do this.
I like a challenge.
So y-you're gonna lower stress
by doing battle with yourself?
Yeah.
I like it.
L-listen.
You need to eliminate
things that cause you stress.
I live in a house
with four women.
Yikes!
Then, all things considered,
you're doing pretty well.
Th... we do have one thing
that might help.
Whenever you feel stress,
squeeze this.
Wow.
We live in an amazing age.
(Dance music playing on TV)
No! Stop! What are you doing?
I want to see how that ends.
One dance mom yells
at the other dance mom,
and then they both get
yelled at by that big teacher.
How do you know that?
Because it's every episode.
(Clicks)
(Man on TV) Goal!
(All shouting at once)
It's mine! It's mine! Girls!
Girls! Come on! Hey!
No, no, no, no, no!
We talked about this!
No yelling, more cooperat...
Mandy, get off of her!
Come on.
But, Eve, good way
to protect the remote.
Keep it high and tight like
that, just like I taught you.
Girls, we need to avoid this
until your father
retakes his stress test.
Honey, the only reason
I was stressed at work
is 'cause dad was there,
talking to people,
showing pictures,
bringing up that dumb story
that he invented the big Mac.
Well, I don't know, dad.
A clown with binoculars.
Makes a pretty compelling case.
You know,
maybe he's just lonely.
(Lowered voice)
Yeah, we're all lonely.
What the hell's that
supposed to mean?
I thought that was
the inner voice.
You know, dad, you may
wanna consider doing yoga,
because studies show that
cultures that do yoga
and meditation have
different brain chemistry.
I've done photo shoots
in those countries.
They should spend less time
doing yoga
and more time developing
their sewers.
That was stressful right there.
Oh, really?
A little stressful.
I really believe that stress
is mind over matter.
(Doorbell rings)
(Animals chittering
and growling)
Nobody get up.
Don't get up. I got it.
Don't stress yourself.
I'll get it.
Hi, V. Hiya.
Bud, hey. Hi. Hi.
Hey, dad. Ah, good.
You're all together.
Hello. We were just
on our way to dinner,
but I thought you might like to meet
my special lady... Stella. (Door closes)
She'll be staying with me
at the apartment.
She's gonna be what?
We're living together.
Dad!
We're shackin' up.
Dad!
Cohabitating.
Sharing a hat rack.
I got the picture.
Uh, you know what?
We're... we're being rude.
Hi. I'm Vanessa...
Ah, I'm so...
and, uh, this is my husband Mike.
Mike.
Uh, come on in, come on in.
Sit down.
Meet the girls.
(Chuckles)
This is, uh, Mandy...
Hi.
Kristin, Eve.
Hey.
I am so glad to meet you all.
Bud is so proud of his family.
(Chuckling)
So did you move here
from Durango?
Well, of course. I gotta
keep an eye on this guy.
Otherwise, he's eating
junk food,
he'll stop going on his walks,
and start watching smut
on the television.
"Smut"?
That's "dancing with the stars."
Uh, dad, are you okay?
This is how you looked
the day Tim Tebow got traded.
Ah, I'm good. I-I'm good.
I'm better than good.
I finally get to meet...
Stella.
Always askin' dad,
"when are you gonna bring...
Stella?"
You never said that once.
You know Mike.
He's always thinking things
and then not saying them.
Anyhoo, uh, we better
get going.
Oh. If we don't get to that
buffet line in 20 minutes,
our coupon's no good.
It was wonderful to meet all of you.
Thank you.
You are a beautiful family.
(Vanessa) Thanks.
Bud is a lucky man.
(Mike) Yeah.
How lucky?
Not that lucky.
(Mouths words)
Yeah, she's horrible.
What?!
I'm just sayin'
what we're all thinkin'.
I wasn't thinking that.
No, me, neither.
I liked her.
Well, you're wrong.
Dad, it seems like she takes
good care of grandpa. Yeah.
You know what's wrong here?
Is... is you people just like
people for no reason.
(Grunts)
Mike Baxter here
for outdoor man.
Summer's coming.
It's time to relax and enjoy
Colorado's big rivers...
white-water rafting.
Big falls, sharp rocks,
class 4 rapids.
Sounds stressful, right?
That's because it is,
you babies!
Stress built this country.
You remember
the Boston tea party?
It has "tea" in it, "party."
"Tea party"...
sounds stress-free.
Well, it wasn't!
We went in there,
grabbed the tea,
knocked the box over,
threw it in the harbor
to protest unfair taxation.
And if we hadn't done
stuff like that,
we'd be speaking in that
weird accent Madonna picked up,
selling scones
and Shepherd's pie to people.
There's good stress...
winning at Talladega.
Yeah! Coming into
that finish line.
Bad stress... your car's on fire!
Good stress is heading
down the river in a kayak.
Bad stress is noticing the only
one with you is Ned Beatty.
This country was built
on stress.
That's right.
And just like it was good
to throw the tea in the water
with the Boston tea party,
it's good to throw
these kayaks in the water.
Where do you find 'em?
Outdoor man!
Do we sell stuff
that's stress-free? No!
That's the point,
you worrywarts!
(Screams)
{Pub}(Switch clicks)
The nerve of my dad
bringing that woman over here,
getting everybody all riled up.
You do realize the "everybody"
in your story is just... you.
(Thud)
I don't trust her.
Oh.
I think maybe
she's just using my dad.
Oh, really? For what?
(Groans)
His, uh, coupon collection?
Some of those coupons
are worth double
in certain stores.
(Sighs)
Mike, honey...
I know this is hard for you,
but it's a natural progression
for people to move on,
no matter how much
they loved their spouses.
So it'd be okay if I moved on
after you go?
Who says I'm going first?
For the sake of this exchange.
(Chuckles) Yeah, okay.
It's okay for me to move on if you
go right now... Yes, of course.
If you were to go... you're gone.
You know why?
I would want you to be happy.
What if it's a 25-year-old
beauty contestant?
If you don't mind looking
ridiculous, you go for it.
Okay. Okay, okay.
Maybe I will.
So I have your blessing now.
Good. Maybe that's
exactly what I'll do.
You do. You do.
Yeah. That's what I'll do.
(Switch clicks)
(Sighs)
Yeah. That's exactly
what I'm gonna do.
Just, uh, out of curiosity,
where do you think
you're gonna meet
this desperate beauty queen?
Maybe in between
beauty contests...
Hmm?
She works for the mortuary.
She did your hair and makeup.
All right. All right, good.
And then, uh,
that's a plan. Good.
Good. That's a great plan.
Good. Okay.
You date some young whore,
and I'll haunt you
till you kill yourself.
Good night, sweetheart.
Yeah.
(Kiss)
Love you.
Love you, too.
(Sighs)
Oh. Hey, bud.
Hey, V.
I didn't know you were
coming by.
Yeah, Stella's
at her stretching class.
I figured I'd come by
for a hot dog.
She won't let me eat anything
that once had a face.
Yeah, I know what she means.
I was at
a Japanese restaurant once,
and when they brought my fish,
it winked at me.
Did you...
did you paint the moldings?
Uh, it was on the to-do list
on the fridge.
I also fixed the front door
and that loose step.
Could you, uh, take a look
at the water heater later?
Just, um...
You know, Mike's just been
a little too stressed
to get to it.
I'll do it right now.
By the way...
What did Mike think of Stella?
Oh, she, uh... she... she made
a big impression.
So he liked her?
Ohh! Please! (Chuckles)
"Please" what? Uh...
Did he like her or not?
(Clicks tongue)
Bud, you're killing me. Uh...
Look, he... (Sighs)
You know Mike.
He... he has a hard time
with change.
I mean, he... if he could,
he'd still travel by steamship.
So he hated her.
No. No, no. It just...
he's... he's...
he's got that
high blood pressure thing,
and... and he's got to re-take
that insurance test, and...
Bud. Bud.
Maybe it would be better
if you just
didn't bring her around here.
Uh, just for a week.
("Aloha 'oe" playing over P.A.)
(Mike) Hey, ed! Ed!
Hey, hi, Mike.
Or should I say, "aloha"?
Huh?
What the hell
is with the music?
We always play soothing
tropical music
to relieve stress.
That's one of our things.
We never play music. We don't
have a "thing" like that.
We bust the balls of stores
that do stuff like this.
Mr. Alzate,
we got a big problem.
What's the big problem, Kyle?
No problem.
How about this music?
Makes me think of girls
with coconut bras.
Guys, look, I know what you're
doing, and I appreciate it.
You're trying to lower
my blood pressure.
But when you don't tell me
what's happening,
I just assume the worst.
Fine. You know the shipment
of water skis?
The manufacturer says we won't
get them until Christmas.
All right, all right, all right.
We can deal. We can deal.
Why... why do you have
to tell him this?
Well, to prove it's not
the worst-case scenario...
Which would be that all
four guys on the loading dock
have food poisoning.
Is that true?
(Laughing) Oh, no.
(Laughing) Oh, good.
(Whispers) Yes.
(Doorbell rings)
Hey, V.
Hey, bud. (Chuckles)
What's all this?
Ah, it's just a little
housewarming gift
for you and Stella.
I just want you to know
that if you love her,
we love her, and, uh...
And Mike will learn to love her.
Well, you're a little late.
What?
It's not even dark out.
How early do you guys
go to bed?
No, I mean, Stella's gone.
I sent her back to durango.
What?
(Refrigerator door closes)
Why?
Because you said
Mike hated her.
Uh, on the plus side,
I can eat anything I want.
Who wants chocolate?
I do!
{Pub}You broke up with Stella
because of what I said?
We didn't break up. I just put
her on a bus back to durango.
This way she won't be around
to bug Mike.
Oh, bud.
Oh, God, I feel awful.
I mean, just... (Sighs)
You really like Stella.
Mike is my son.
Yeah.
I don't want
to see him stressed.
Why do you think I was fixing
things around the house?
(Laughing) I thought it was
to kiss up to me.
Why would I need
to kiss up to you?
(Clicks tongue) Gosh,
Durango's six hours away.
Aren't you afraid you two
are gonna grow apart?
Nah. I'll see her
when I can.
Mm.
And she promised me
we would "sext."
What is that, by the way?
(Knock on door)
(Mike) What a surprise.
Come on in.
Hey, honey. Uh, we need
to talk about your father.
Is he all right?
He's okay.
Sit down. What's up?
Uh, he's great.
Um... I, uh... I may have
caused a bit of a-a thing.
What kind of a thing?
An expensive thing?
No, no...
Your father asked me
if you liked Stella...
Yeah?
And he was relentless.
Oh, please.
And I finally said "no."
Why did you say that?
Because, Mike... because it is the truth.
So? Since when
do I tell the truth?
(Sighs) So he sent her back.
(Imitates bud) "I put her
on the bus back to durango."
You make my dad
sound like Mike Ditka.
(Normal voice, mouth full)
Anyway, I just... I feel terrible.
You know what? Get these
chocolates away from me.
I can't... you know, this
is why men don't talk.
It just leads into trouble.
Men don't talk because
they are emotionally lazy.
This is a good time to have that lecture, huh?
All right, you know what?
I... honey, I know this was my fault.
Yeah, it's your fault.
But you can fix this...
I'm not gonna fix it. You're the one...
if you would just have a real conversation...
Don't... don't put this...
with your father,
then you could work through
whatever it is that you guys
need to work through.
You took a bite out of
every one of these chocolates.
(Sports game playing on TV)
(Knock on door)
(Man speaking in Spanish)
Hey, dad.
Son. Come on in.
What's going on here?
ESPN 1, ESPN 2, and deportes.
What, do you run a little
sports book, Uncle junior?
I had, uh... I had a few TVs
left over from the build.
But I can cover any action
up to $200 a bet.
What brings you here?
Well, uh...
(Opener clatters)
I had a little
conversation with Vanessa.
Oh, God, it's an epidemic.
Dad, I just came by to tell you
I appreciate the concern.
All right. Don't go
to pieces on me.
I got a quiniela on this
next harness race.
Shut 'em off for a minute,
will you, please?
(Clicking)
I think we should talk
about Stella.
(Clicks tongue,
breathes deeply)
Look.
It must be hard for you
to see me
with someone
that's not your mother.
Um... it's hard
not seeing mom, period.
And whenever I see you,
I half expect mom to come
in the room right after you.
(Clicks tongue)
Your mother's been dead
for five years.
If your mother walked in
behind me, I'd...
Crap my pants.
I think you should call Stella
and get her back here.
You'd be all right with that?
Mnh-mnh.
No. But, dad,
I want you to be happy.
Well, at least you don't
want me to die lonely.
No. In a perfect world,
you should have died
the day after mom.
Fair enough.
(Bottles clink)
{Pub}(Vanessa) So your
blood pressure went down
as soon as you made up
with your father.
Huh. Who would have
seen that coming?
You know, what gets
my blood pressure back up
is you gloating.
I have some music
to put you in the mood.
Listen to this.
("Aloha 'oe playing)
In the mood for what?
Poi?
Ed was playing this at work,
and I hated it.
But it started getting
into my head,
and now I kinda like it.
I'm in the mood
for a whole pig.
Not exactly what a wife
wants to hear
right as she's taking off
her robe, but...
(Sighs)
(Sighs)
♪
(Kiss)
Mmm.
Good night, honey.
Good night, baby.
♪