Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Last Baby Proof Standing - full transcript

Well, beautiful wife, beautiful night,

great cup of coffee at
the end of the workday.

- Nice.
- Couldn't be better.

Dad!

You never wanna get too happy.

They sense it, then they just crush it.

What?

I'm meeting Travis at the mall.

Can I have some money for java Jimmy's?

Coffee? We got coffee right here.

French press. Here.



Taste Columbia's
second-largest cash crop.

Oh! God, that's horrible.

Hey! No. No.

That was my coffee.

So can I have $20, or...

$20 for a cup of coffee?

I'm a huge tipper. It's kind of my thing.

I-I just feel so sorry

for anybody that has to wear an apron.

You ask me why I put
rum in here? This is why.

If you want money, maybe you
should do what other people do.

Get my own reality show. Dad, I'm trying.

How about a part-time job?

Job.



Come on.

Oh, my God. Are we poor?

You are.

We're doing very well.

You sure about this?

She's 16--
I'm 17, dad.

17. She
should--

she should think about getting her a job.

Well, it's just easier to give her money.

Well, we just can't be lazy with our kids.

- We're better than that.
- Are we?

Mom! Dad!

Go, go. Go, go, go.

You get it. You get it.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Aw, that's my boy.

Hey, hey. Morning.

- Hey, morning, guys.
. Morning, dad.

Why do I smell French fries?

Oh, that's the diner. I
always smell like work.

Well, thank God you don't
work for a plumber.

Ow.

Mother...

Father!

Oh, that is so dangerous.

Oh, I really whacked my shin.

No, Boyd--he could have gotten
into those cleaning supplies.

My tibia is throbbing.

I'm seeing stars here.

You know, we should baby-proof the house.

You know, there's that
guy on tv that does it.

Oh, I know who you mean. He's
all over the Internet, too.

There's some clicking
come from inside my knee.

Can you hear that? Listen.

Found him.

Hi, folks.

Bet you didn't know that
if you have children,

your house is a deadly time bomb,

waiting to explode...

stairs--peril!

Why, even the tv you're
watching right now...

In fact, in the time since this ad began,

six more tots have tried
to eat something larger

than their own esophagus.

Come on!

Come on!

Poor boo-boo Bobby.

Don't let this be you.

Instead, call me, Chester McAllister,

advanced child-proofing expert.

We worry so you don't have to.

Trademark pending.

Certified baby-proofer?
How is that a job?

You don't think any job's
a job unless it's your job.

I'm just saying, you don't need
a professional to baby-proof.

Don't want him in that
little cupboard down there,

you use one of these.

It's called a rubber band.

You move--

You hear that clicking?

Huh?

Loop it a couple times
around there like that...

Baby-proof.

That's what your mom and I
did when you guys were kids.

Yeah, we only had to
call poison control twice.

Yeah. Once was your mom's potato salad.

Oh, I'm so sick of hearing
about that potato salad.

I lost a quart of water that day.

- You never liked my mother.
- That's 'cause she tried to kill us.

No, I-- potato salad,
mayonnaise-- the point is...

You kids turned out fine.

Well, fine-ish.

Look at you, first day of work.

I still don't get why
I have to have a job.

It's so unfair!

Oh, you're gonna be selling clothes.

You love clothes, and you
get to work at the mall.

You love the mall.

I think it's good you're getting a job.

You treat dad like an A.T.M.

Yes, and I'm not an
A.T.M. You know how I know?

I only speak English.

That's a good one, dad.

Ah, here's $20.

Whoa. Hey, why doesn't she have to work?

'Cause I don't need money.
I've got everything I want.

In fact, here, dad.

I insist.

Wouldn't even know what to do with it.

Ugh!

I'll take that $20 now.

You earned it.

Mike, come here. This new
tracking device is great.

It pinpoints your hunting dog's
position and speed... yeah.

Every five seconds.

Look, the little bugger's
moving pretty fast

through the brush out back.
Look at that. Look at that.

Whose dog is that? And why
is it coming in the building?

Oh, yeah, you'll soon see

he should be coming through that door

in three, two, and...

Oh.

Huh? What do you think?
Ah, look at that.

That's a good trial run,
Kyle. Good trial run.

I'm starting to think
you're only keeping me around

for these humiliating jobs.

Ed, Ed, Ed, this is the kind
of stuff you get sued for, Ed.

Come on, Mike.

Hazing the new guy is
a male rite of passage.

Now when I was a grunt in the service,

they tied me to a tree with a garden hose.

Big deal.

The tree was on fire.

They put it out with urine.

Daddy?

- Daddy.
- Hey. Aren't you supposed to be at work?

Yeah, it's my lunch break.
Hey, can you front me $500?

No. Get in there.

There was a workplace accident.

What happened?

I accidentally used my employee discount

to buy a lot of cute clothes.

This isn't the right job for you.

That's so weird. That's
exactly what my manager said.

Mike,
you gotta see this.

I've got Kyle chasing a delivery truck!

Hi. Hey, honey.

Why is there a van out front
that says "Safe Havens"?

Are we having an intervention?

You got me. I turned your
office into a meth lab.

It's the baby-proofing guy.
He's here for a consultation.

- I know who it is. It's that huckster from tv.
- Shh! He's...

I can't believe you'd invite
him over here without asking me.

I made the appointment.
And I brought home pie.

You can't distract me

with a very warm, delicious-looking pie.

Let's just hear what this guy has to say.

You all heard what he had to say.

What if I promise we won't do anything

unless we're both on board?

Oh, this is like we're not
gonna buy a floral comforter

unless we're both on board.

It's not floral. It's paisley.

Flowers that are shaped
like sperm are still flowers.

Are you gonna participate or not?

Or not. I'll be in my office looking

at Russian mail order
brides to replace you.

Don't put me down as a reference.

Do you know there's no
greater killing machine

than the coffee table?

I like to call it the coffin table.

Okay, who here has electrical outlets?

Show of hands.

Wow. That's a lot.

Now imagine this.

You're 2 years old,

and you wanna make a deposit in the bank,

so you take your penny, and you
put it in the electrical socket.

Oh, for crap's sake.

Mike, you said you
didn't wanna participate.

Well, you know what I'm
doing? I'm on the Internet.

I'm just looking for
stories... about children...

You know, that put coins
in electric outlets.

You know the weird
thing? There aren't any!

Look, I'm really sorry about him.

He's just angry because...

Well, we don't really know why.

Please, no apologies. As
my grandfather used to say,

ignorance is the devil's whoopee cushion.

You know what? I bet my grandfather

gave your grandfather
wedgies in high school.

Whoa! Someone's got a hot head.

Quick fact--children raised
in volatile households

have three times the rate
of accidental dismemberments.

Based on your statistics,

150% of kids under the
age of 4 are dead already.

Not on my watch.

This bannister

is a terrible accident waiting to happen.

A child could get his head stuck.

His head stuck.

That can't happen.

Honey, uh, maybe we should
discuss this privately.

What's to discuss?

I know. I think we should just do it.

What happened to "we won't decide anything

unless both of us say "yes"? "Yes." "No."

I-I know, but I changed my mind.

Look, this guy has gotten into my head.

Apparently, there's peril...
Everywhere!

He can make everything seem perilous.

I mean, what if that painting fell off

and decapitated the
kid? That stool

could come alive and
go up and suffocate him.

What if the kid swallowed

one of those ugly throw pillows?

Uh, a little help.

What are you doing?

I was trying to help
prove your point, Mr. B.

Don't help. Hey, Kyle,

once you get your head out of there,

I'm gonna tie you to a
tree with a garden hose.

I think you both know
what happens after that.

Ugh.

That baby-proof er made
a mess of everything.

I'm gonna have to burn this house down

and start all over
again. There's no way...

I loosened it.

Ah, Boyd can't open it either.

- Hey, get in the car.
- Bye, dad.

Bye-bye. You're just acting
stupid to make a point,

but it's not gonna work.

Some baby-proofing was necessary.

Deal with it. Bye.

You're gonna try to get a kiss
after saying "deal with it"?

Come here.

- But only because there's some butter left on your lips.
- Yeah.

Well, dad, time for me to file

for a little something
called unemployment.

All right, you're not unemployed.

I got you a new job doing
something I used to love to do--

delivering pizzas.

Ooh, I'm a food handler?
But what about my dignity?

You know what a great philosopher

once said about dignity?

No, okay, never mind.
I'll just do it. It's fine.

A man's hands may be dirty...
Oh, my God. Please open.

But if his heart is pure...

Oh, my God.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for outdoor man.

It's our blade of the month.

The Sog S.E.A.L. Elite
series. Neoprene handle.

This is modeled after the
one the Navy S.E.A.L.S. use.

Those are tough S.O.B.S, aren't they?

The Navy S.E.A.L.S. You know why?

'Cause when they fall down,

their parents probably said, "get up!"

Not the rest of us. We
baby-proof our lives now.

That eliminates the chance

of surviving and adapting to things.

Ol' Chuck Darwin would be rolling over

in that wooden casket they
put him in the ground in.

You wanna teach your kids how to survive?

That's your job as a parent.

Your kid can speak Spanish?

Great. Chinese? Perfect!

Poetry? Perfect!

You wanna teach 'em how to survive,

how about jumping from the garage roof

into the pool on a skateboard, huh?!

Or better yet, riding a
bicycle down a hill backwards,

fighting off other kids with their hands.

You teach that kid how to survive,

you've done your job
as a parent! A parent!

That kid will be able to fend off

anything that comes his way!

Like that Jason Bourne character
we all like so much, huh?

What?!

Little louder than usual, Mike, huh?

Am I?

Mm. Everything okay?

Nah. They're baby-proofing
my house 'cause of Boyd.

I think somebody trimmed my fingernails

while I was sleeping.

Well, they should have
painted them pink, too,

because you're living like a lady.

Come on. Don't start.

Ah, it's too late. I've started.

Baby-proofing. Come on.

Bumps and bruises are how you learn.

Yeah.

- Yeah, you bang your head, you learn what?
- Yeah.

- You learn not to bang your head.
- Your head.

Simple. You stick your hand in a fire...

- Ouch!
- You learn not to stick your hand in the fire.

Bumps and bruises
and scar tissue--

that's how you grow. I mean...

Yes, yes, but... like that big,
ugly knot in your head there, huh?

That's a--got that
in the service, right?

I don't want to talk about that.

I can respect that.

Thank you.

Was it, you know, the
shrapnel or something?

A-an ammo dump go up?
What, a little P.O.W.?

What happened?

Leaned over to tie my shoe

and banged my head on the coffee table.

Come on, they...

They had coffee tables in the jungle?

I was stationed on the beach.

Nice, little French colonial house.

Well, what about that scar on your leg

you always show everybody?

Commanding officer
left a file drawer open.

You said you got shot.

I got a shot.

Tetanus.

Those metal file drawers
are filthy. I mean...

What about that limp
you get when it rains?

Really hoping for a combat story.

Prepare to be disappointed.

Evie, I just got a weird text from Mandy.

It says she's "slinging 'zas."

What? Is that code for something
that makes me a bad mother?

No clue. I-I don't speak Mandy.

It means I got her a
job delivering pizzas.

To strangers?

No, just to us.

I mean, isn't that dangerous?

Why don't you just get
her the graveyard shift

at a liquor store?

'Cause she's not old enough?

Baby, delivering pizza's not dangerous.

- I did it as a kid.
- I thought we weren't gonna do anything

unless we both said "yes." "No."

Why are you so against this?

Because you were a boy.

Mandy is a girl-- an
attractive teenage girl

showing up at strangers' houses,

one of which might--might
have a cage in the basement.

Your world view saddens me.

It's a good neighborhood. I
have no concerns about this.

Why are we following Mandy in my van?

Because, you idiot, if she sees my truck,

she'll know it's me.

Gotta follow her, but not too close.

She's going right. Stay with her.

Right, right, right, right,
right.

This is horrible. I want
her to be independent,

but I want her to be safe.

How do you protect 'em and
let 'em go at the same time?

I think that
it's important--

Kyle, I'm not talking to you right now.

I'm just pondering deep thoughts,

and your presence here just
makes it slightly less weird.

I think you should just tell
Mandy this was a bad idea

and that she needs to quit.

I don't...

Oh, dear, sweet, innocent, ignorant Kyle.

You know, I remember when I was your age.

When you're young, everything's possible,

even admitting you're wrong

to a household filled with women.

Hey. Hi.

We're taking Boyd out for frozen yogurt

as an excuse to get frozen yogurt.

You wanna come?

Nah, your dad's out,

and I'm going to have a glass of wine

and watch some trashy show
that he would just ruin

by shouting, "that would never happen."

Yeah, try watching cartoons with him.

Ugh!

Stupid peril.

You drive like an old woman.

That's
it. I'll wear a collar.

I'll run around like a dog.

I'll even be mocked for getting
my head stuck in a bannister,

which could've happened to anyone.

But in this castle, I am the King.

The King!

Can we make this light?

Yes, sir.

It's just, sometimes I feel
like you don't respect me.

Kyle, I'm letting you date my daughter.

In my world, that's the
highest form of respect.

I didn't think of it that way.

You know, maybe the silver lining

of us following Mandy is that
we'll get to know each other

on a deeper level.

I've never told anyone
this before, Mr. B.,

but I've always
dreamed that after--

Kyle, do I look like your diary?

Wait a minute. Wait a
minute. She's pulling over.

Right there, right there. Slow
down, slow down, slow down.

I'm gonna go in and take a look.

I want you to keep the motor running.

Don't make a sound.

You are the worst sidekick ever.

Skyler F., will you accept this rose?

You know I will.

Skyler F., you never learn.

Aah! Oh, boy.

Oh.

Oh, boy.

Creep! Aah! Mother...

So what happened again?

What aren't you getting here, honey?

Our daughter thought I was a stalker,

so she sprayed mace in my face...

With...

Such speed and accuracy.

I'm actually quite proud of you.

I-I know you want me to
follow in your footsteps,

but do you mind if I find another job?

You know, smelling like food
is kind of Kristin's thing.

No, I think it's
a good idea--

- Daddy.
- Hmm?

- Oh. I think it's a good idea to get another job.
- Yeah.

But not driving. You're a--
you're a hazard out there.

Ugh. You sound like the crossing guard

near my school.

Hey, thank you for stalking me.

That's what dads are for.

Guess who peed in the kiddie potty?!

Boyd!

Yeah, of course! Boyd.

Yeah, who else would it be?

Yay.

Oh! I'm so proud of him. I'm
gonna go get my camera! Good idea.

And then I'm throwing way all his diapers!

Uh... maybe hang on to a... couple!

Uh, you know, you, uh,

you might have been right
about the baby-proofing.

I was right?

Yeah. I know. I'm as stunned as you.

It's bringing tears to my eyes,

and I don't think it's just the mace.

But you were wrong
about the pizza delivery.

Well, you were more wrong.

What, are you keeping score?

No, but if I was, it'd be 14-7.

Oh.

The point is, we need to
decide things together. Mm-hmm.

And we went a little nuts with
the whole baby-proofing thing.

So, uh, if you're on board,

I think we should just dial it back.

What about Kristin?

Ugh!

Mother-father! Nothing opens around here!

I think she'll be okay with it.

Uh-huh. Yeah.