Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

Mandy, you're getting
glitter on my soccer ball.

Oh, well, now it's a disco ball.
You're welcome!

Oh, look. Boyd drew a rocket...

Or a... wiener. You know what?
Let's go with rocket.

Oh! Your dad's home!

Oh, finally. I've been cooped
up with you hens long enough.

Oh, Eve, honey, it's not
cute when your dad says it,

and it's just... confusing when you do it.

Where was his catalog shoot this time?

Peru? Portugal? Something with a "p."

Yeah, Alaska, with a "p."



He said he was bringing dinner home.

Oh, good. We're starving.

I'm back!

Ah.

All right, dinner.

Oh!

What am I supposed to do with this?

You slice it, mouth to anus.

You pull everything out.
Pretty self-explanatory.

I gotta grab a shower. Mmm. Yeah.

It is great to be back home.

Wow. You're heading to work kinda early.

By the sun's position,
I'd have it at--

yeah. You wanna just look at a clock?



Ugh, the boss wants
to see me. I'm worried.

Even though I've been there almost a year,

I'm still the new chick.

That's good. New chick's always hot.

Look, I could use some help.

How long are you home for this time?

Oh, probably seven days,

then we're off to Costa Rica
shooting our spring catalog.

What do you need? Can
you drive Eve to soccer?

Soccer. That's just Europe's covert war

for the hearts and
minds of America's kids.

We're scrimmaging the
boys to make us tougher.

Well, the boys aren't that
tough. I've seen them play.

Running around, getting
hair gel in their eyes,

run in the goalpost, and
they cry.

Why are you watching the
young boys play soccer?

I'm pretty sure I just explained why.

Morning. Morning.

Hey. Hey, mom, can you
take Boyd to day care?

I can't be late to the diner.

It's our "salute to bacon"
week, and I'm the only person

who knows how to work the defibrillator.

I'm running late. Ask your dad.

Oh, not dad. Boyd only
knows, like, six words,

and half of them are...

"I blame Obamacare!"

He's a bad influence.

You know, he's standing right here.

He does his best.

Literally, I'm standing right here.

You know who should take Boyd to day care?

Is that deadbeat, no-good father of his.

Yeah, dad. We've been over this, really.

I'm doing fine.

I know this might be
hard for you to believe

because you're so old school,
but I do not need a man.

Well, you got a baby,
so you needed a man once.

Ew!

All right, I will take Boyd to day care,

but I just hope my being late

does not cause the
great bacon riot of 2011.

I like bacon.

You need to lay off
Kristin. She won't admit it,

but she's having a tough time.

People have been having a tough time

since the beginning of time.

You know what's the matter
with the world these days?

Sure. Let's discuss that.

Love you.

Have a good day at work. I love you.

Bye.

Now what's wrong?

Dad, no. It's gonna be boring.

I just... I
really needed mom's advice.

Well, I'm here. You can have dad's advice.

No, I need good advice.

I gave your older sister plenty of advice

when she was a teenager. What's up?

Oh, yeah, is that when she got the tattoo

or when she came home
from her prom pregnant?

She has a tattoo?

I think it's called a tramp stamp.

Yeah, thank God. She
doesn't have a tattoo.

She has a-a tramp stamp.

What's the matter?
I'm saying--

no! You're just gonna say it's stupid.

Come on. Give me a break. I'm your dad.

What's--what's
going on?

Travis said that "Glee" is dumb.

For crap's sake. Is
that what's worrying you?

Is that why you're crying?

What's "Glee"?

Hey, guys, great to be
back in the sanctuary.

Yeah. No hair dryers, no
tears, no citrus body wash.

It smells like balls in here.

Who are you?

I'm Kyle.

You hired me a couple of months ago.

I parked in your spot, and
you broke my windshield.

It's Kyle.
How's it going, buddy?

Hi.

Kyle. I like the name "Kyle."

That's a man's name,
guys-- Kyle. "K." Kyle.

"I'm-here-to-kick-
some-crap-Kyle."

Actually, Kyle's my mother's maiden name.

Didn't need to know that, Kyle.

Oh.

Welcome home, Mikey.

Hey, buddy.

How are you? Good.

Did you bring me back
something from Alaska?

Hmm? What are you, 3?

Oh, good.

I didn't have one of these guys.
Ah, yeah, yeah.

All right, look, I'm, uh,

I'm not gonna beat around
the bush here.

Just got a call from corporate
today.

They wanna shut down the catalog.

Corporate? You own the company.

It was worth a shot. What the hell.

What are you talking about?

Our catalog was voted "best catalog"

by "catalogs magazine."

Catalog is done.

What, are you gonna phase it out?

Consider it phased.

After Costa Rica, we're done?

No Costa, no Rica. You're grounded.

But I need your expertise on the web site.

The web site's terrible.

Oh, that's why I want you in charge of it.

For us to have any future at all,

we have to lure young men to our stuff.

Now you talk like my sisters talking.

Young people don't read catalogs anymore.

They're online, so your job
now is you gotta go get 'em.

I need this company to be
viable a hundred years from now

so I'll have a place to come back to

when they unfreeze my head.

Why don't we just hire
a young Internet geek

to improve the web site?

Well, I could do that,
then what would you do?

I can't believe you're grounding me.

I'll make a deal.

You find a way to increase our web sales,

I'll find a way of putting
you back on the road.

Is that a deal?

It's a deal. Now scram.

What, you have time to
go to the range today?

No, some jack-wang is parked in my spot.

Guess what?

I was offered a huge promotion at work.

Congratulations. Yeah.

But if I take it, it
would be longer hours,

and that would mean

you'd have to step up
around here with the girls.

That's great.

But how can I work longer hours

if you're always gone?

M-maybe I-I
won't go so much.

Oh, well, that's sweet.

Yeah.

- What happened?
- Nothing.

You know, just maybe I wanna
spend more time with the girls.

What happened?

Ohh. Ed's grounding me

until I can increase our
company's web presence.

Well, you should
talk to Mandy about her Vlog.

Vlog? Yeah.

Is that slang for something bad?

Like what?

I don't know. I
have a-- when I move,

sometimes my Vlog hits...

Hits...

Sorry I'm late for dinner!
Travis and I got a flat tire,

and it took forever for
triple "a" to get there.

Wait. Don't tell me

you called a strange
person to change your tire.

Then why did you give
me an auto club card?

That's for a real emergency,

like a meteor hitting
the car or something.

Wh-where is Travis?

Uh, he went to the tanning salon.

Ohh! Ugh!

Ow! That actually hurts to hear that.

Honey, I-I don't think
you're ever gonna be able

to rely on this guy Travis,
and I'm also gonna ground you

till you can figure out
how to change a tire.

That's so unfair!

Who ever said life was
supposed to be fair?

I'm just doing this so you
don't have to depend on a man.

Um, I thought your argument with me

was that I needed a man.

Just concern yourself
with this area over here.

- How's work?
- Yeah.

Oh, they're adding
all-you-can-eat sausage

to the mix tomorrow.

It's gonna be mayhem.

Mm. I love sausage.

Your dad can drive Boyd to day care.

There's no car seat in the truck.
There's no car seat in the truck.

Well, I will take the truck.
You can take the minivan.

You'll take the truck.
I'll drive the minivan.

You're not kidding right now, are you?

No, I'm not.

Well, aloha.

Sure. All right.

All right, champ.

You have a great day
at day care, all right?

Oh, we don't--we don't
use terms like that here.

See, "champ" implies
victory over another person.

Right, and you're all winners here.

Now you're getting it. Hey, come on in.

Ruby's two dads are here,
and they're making muffins--

flax and pumpkin.

Please tell me that's not their names.

That's a good one. Take the shoes off.

We're building a mosque out of pillows.

Give me the kid back.

Everything you need to know about life

you can learn from hanging with grandpa.

You just stick with me, all right?

Kyle, take the baby, will ya?

Yeah.

Here you go. Whew. You'll need this.

Dropped a bomb.

So as you know, I normally
broadcast from Mandyland.

But tonight I'm transmitting
from cell block "c"

of dad-ica prison.

Da-dica?

♪ Dad, oh,
da-a-a-a-ad ♪

♪ Travis went to gaga,
can't you see I'm sad? ♪

Ugh! Ahh!

5,000 followers? People got a lot
of time on their hands.

Hey, Kyle! Didn't I ask
you to take care of the kid?

Yeah, Ed's pulling him around
the parking lot. He's what?

In a kayak. Oh.

Kyle.

- Do you know how to change a tire?
- Sure. You need me to change your tire?

- Do I look like the kind of guy that can't change his own tire?
- Why are you yelling at me?

I don't know what we're talking about.

Why don't you come over to my house?

I want you to meet my daughter Mandy.

If you like her, maybe
take her out on a date.

If you don't like her,
take her out on a date.

But no funny business.

You mean like sex?

Oh.

You know, it troubles me, Kyle,

that you're so handy with that word.

Just try to remember something.

I could fire you...

Or worse.

Huh?

Dad, where's Boyd?

Uh, he's napping. He got
into the energy bars at work.

He ran around until he passed out.

So... instead of taking him to day care,

you took him to the blow
dart and shotgun emporium?

He wasn't around anything dangerous, okay?

And I can't say the same

had I left him at hippie hippie rainbow.

Bruce teaches sensitivity and tolerance.

I just don't think your kid
should go to that school.

You know how that ends up. Hmm?

Boyd dancing on a float.

And what would be so wrong with that?

The only time men should be dancin'

is when other other men
are shootin' at their feet.

Are you gonna meddle up
until the day you die?

And beyond.

I have a very specific will.

Mandy keeps telling me
soccer's making my legs thick.

Listen, Eve, boys like a
gal with a sturdy foundation.

That's what attracted me to
your mom in the first place.

Don't ever tell her I said that.

I've never played against the boys before.

Are there any cute ones?

No. Who said
anything about Victor Blake?

Let me give you some advice.

You wanna impress the boys, you play hard,

take the game to them,

prove that you belong on that field.

Trust me.

Well, we have to move!

What happened?

Dad! He told me that
boys would like me more

if I played aggressive. I
sprained Victor Blake's ankle,

and now they call me "Queen Kong."

I'm going to pack!

Ugh!

I can explain.

We might have to move.

Why are you giving girl advice?

Why don't you just
stick to what you know--

chasing raccoons out of the yard?

They're a herding animal.

If you don't nip
that in the bud--

oh, I...

I just hate to disappoint her.

Kristin never listens to me anymore,

and Mandy's got her new
family, the Kardashians.

Queen Kong's my little buddy.

Just go up and talk to her.

She's not talking to me.

None of my girls are talking to me.

Usually I think that's a great idea.

Right now it just hurts.

Mike, your girls are talking to you.

You just need to listen to them.

Huh?

Hi. Mike Baxter here,

asking the question
that men have been asking

since medieval times.

Gosh darn it. Where can I get

a crossbow online?

This is the new Excalibur
super saber series.

Composite handle, so when
you're huntin'...

When you're huntin'...

God. Who am I kidding?

If you're watching this...

You don't hunt.

You're probably hunting for
a tissue right about now,

aren't you?

And some girl at a soccer game

where nobody can lose sprained your ankle!

There's a guy named
Jack Youngblood--

played the super bowl with a broken leg!

That's not fantasy!

What the heck is fantasy football?

I got a fantasy.

Why don't you get off the
frickin' couch, you morons?

What happened to men?

Men used to build cities just
so we could burn 'em down.

We got our hair cut by a guy named Hank.

But modern
man--what do you do?

You run from stuff--
responsibility, fatherhood.

You can't even change a tire. A tire!

Why don't you get off
the couch, you moron,

and go outside?!

You'll see something
bright. It's called the sun.

It's like a tanning bed, but it's free!

How is Mike pretending to
be angry, scary, and unstable

good for our web site?

We've gotten tons of hits. Hits are good.

I know hits are good, you jack-wang.

I'm not a thousand years old.

It's gone viral.

Our web traffic is way up.

Well... Looks like this company

has finally entered the 20th century, huh?

But it's the 21st century, sir.

One step at a time, Kyle.

Hey, Eve, would you
give me the ketchup--

not talking to you.

Kristin, does Boyd want a hot dog,

or do you have some soy thing
on a stick in your purse?

Okay, I get it.

Nobody's talking to me.

I'm talking to you, dad.
That makes me nervous.

Yeah. Will you go pick up Travis, please?

You can pick him up. Really?

Yeah, if you can just figure
out how to change a tire.

So sad.

I'm living with Lord Voldemort!

I don't know who that is,

but he sounds like a very caring father.

Hi. You must be Mr. B's daughter.

Okay.

And who are you?

I'm Kyle. Your dad wanted us to meet?

Oh, God. Did he tell
you that I needed a man?

Pretty much.

Great. Well, did he also tell you

that I need help because
I'm a single mom? Um...

I'm guessing not by that
dumbfounded look on your face.

Oh, no, this is just my face.

Okay, why are you hanging out with my dad?

That's just weird. I work for him.

Oh, God. Is he paying you to date me?

Am I that pathetic?

You wanna go to a movie?

Um, a-a movie. Well, I
have not been to a movie

since my water broke during "Avatar."

Hello, Boyd.

Boyd, right. That little dude's awesome.

He really loves your dad.

Yeah, well, Boyd loves everybody.

No, he fell and tripped,

and your dad came over
and hugged him and said,

"hey, it's okay to cry. Just let it out."

Wait. Mr. Outdoor Man said that?

Later on, when a heat
lamp fell on my foot,

was it okay for me to cry? No, it was not.

Oh, o-okay. Um...

I'm--I'm gonna go
and check on Boyd,

and, um... And
you go say hi to my dad,

and then, um, we'll go.

Okay. Okay.

- Hey, Mr. B.
- Hey, Kyle.

Thanks for having me over. You bet, buddy.

Mandy is awesome.

Well, that's great.

Yeah, that is great. Who are you?

I'm Kyle.

I'm sort of Mike's right-hand man.

No, you're not, Kyle.

Hey, dad, thank you for
telling Kyle about me.

It's o-okay, daughter.

Wait, wait. Didn't--didn't
you just say you were here

to see man--
and man.

Man, am I hungry. That's a man.

O-okay. Well, um, we're
gonna go see a movie

- if you could watch Boyd.
- Yeah, sure.

Actually, I was asking dad.

Actually, she was asking me. Okay.

Thank you, dad.

Okay.

Come on, Kyle.

What the hell did you do?

I-I don't know.

Oh, Mr. B. I almost
forgot to tell you. Yeah.

Ed says he's proud of you

and that you're back on for Costa Rica.

Great, great,
great. That-- good.

Let me give you a little hint about Mandy.

She likes to be called "Kristin."

It's a nickname.

Thanks, Mr. B.

You bet.

You know that's not gonna end well.

Yes, I do.

Well, I hope you're happy!

Well, I was for a couple seconds.

What's happening?

I changed a tire. What?

I broke three nails
and I ruined a sweater.

Oh, and you know the--the--
the pumpy, pumpy thing?

- Uh, jack.
- Yeah, jack.

You need a new one.

Uh... I'm proud of you, Mandy.

Thanks, dad. Keys?

Yeah, sure.

I gotta go to Travis.

We still have time to get our mani-pedis!

Travis.

If no one's coming to dinner,
and you're watching Boyd,

then I'm gonna have three glasses of wine,

take a bath, and go to bed.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hi, dad.

What? What? What? Victor Blake.

Uh, uh, uh, sprained ankle Victor Blake?

Yeah. He called me, and
he liked the way I played.

I told you that was gonna work out.

He asked me out, dad. My first real date!

I'll be aggressive
just like you taught me.

No, no, no, no. Aggressive is bad! It...

Nice going, coach.

I did not see that coming.

Boy, I bet you're happy to be
hitting the road again, huh?

I'm not going anywhere.

What if Victor Blake can't change a tire?

What are you saying?

I'm saying... with your new promotion,

you're gonna need a
lot of help around here.

And that's you?

Then I will definitely
need three glasses of wine.

What's a man's number one responsibility?

Mm, terrorizing his daughter's boyfriends?

You get me.

Mm.

Which is why I married you.

I thought it was for my sturdy foundation.

Snitch!

The manly arts are
vanishing. That's a fact.

What do we do when the aliens invade

or the zombies come out of their graves

and the machines rise up?

Who's gonna lead us?

You.

I have all this knowledge. It's my duty...

To pass it on for the future of mankind.

And very important lesson tonight.

This one here. Right
here. Put 'em up here.

How do we get this little piggy

all the way the over to market?

Mandy?!