Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Grandparents Day - full transcript

If Elway had had any of
the receivers like a Jerry Rice,

we'd have five super bowls.
We would.

Huh? Coffee.
Let's get coffee.

A big double shot for you--
keep you up all day.

Yay, coffee. Okay, daddy,
I'm gonna have this today

and two marshmallow peeps,
and that's all, if I'm good.

It's good to set goals.

Hey.

Morning.

Has anybody seen Boyd's wooby?

I have, and it'll grow.



I believe she was
referring to this.

Ohh. Why don't you
wean him off that dishrag?

No. This is what I use
to wean him off of me.

Honey, everybody
has their thing.

Mandy had her pillowcase,
Eve has Mr. Buttons, and...

You have
your irrational attachment

to the Denver Broncos.

Since when do you drink coffee?

Since Victor Blake
said tea is for losers.

Could he stop by and make me
some, since it's all gone?

Honey, don't forget.

We have grandparents' day
at Boyd's school at noon.

Oh, gosh.
I can't do that today.

Why not?



Well, at work we've got

a new Chipmunk Oscillator coming
in, with a new Canuter Valve--

no, no, no.

You don't have to lie.

If you don't want to go,
just say you don't want to go.

I don't want to go.

You're going.

This is stupid.

Dad! We don't use
the "s" word around Boyd.

That's not the "s" word.
The "s" word is "socialism."

Honey, it's important
to Boyd that we go.

He's 2. He's not gonna
know we're there.

He's not gonna know
he's there. No offense.

See you at noon,
and don't wear that.

Guys, don't waste coffee.
Come on.

- Bye, daddy.
- This stuff doesn't grow on trees.

Well, actually,
it does grow on trees.

Last Man Standing - S01E03
Grandparents Day

No.

Oh, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike,
for Kristin and Boyd, come on.

Aw, look at all those grandmas.
Come on. They're adorable.

Yeah, until they drive
through a farmers' market.

I'm gonna check out
the snack bar.

You look familiar.

Do you do chair yoga at the Y?

Oh, no, I'm sorry.
I don't even know what that is.

Ooh. Back pillow store.

Oh, there's
a back pillow store.

Well, sure.

Old broads like us
can't sit for long periods

without our back pillows.

Old--old broads like--like us?
Mm-hmm.

Hey. I have
those same pants.

Aah.

I never thought I'd see the day

when I'd be wearing pants
with an elastic waist, but...

Well, when you get to be
our age, who cares?

I care.

What the heck is a Kelp Newton?

Healthy crap is what it is.

How about this?

"Milk made from soy beans."
How do you get milk from a bean?

Well, it's small farms,
very little stools,

and good eyesight.

That is hilarious.

Oh, whoops.

That is
Phoebe's art project, so...

Let me ask you something.

Does Phoebe have
any other interests?

Oh. Oh, this might look
unconventional to you,

but we want to make sure

that none of mother earth's
resources are wasted.

Somebody's wasted.

Okay, friends.

Why don't we gather around
the community circle, huh?

Ohh.

Yeah!

Come on. Gather around.

There you go.

That's comfortable.

Okay, friends.
Why don't we teach our guests

the happy happy
welcome song, huh?

Okay.

♪ We're... happy ♪

♪ we're clappy ♪

Clap, clap, clap.

♪ We're happy, we're snappy ♪

Snap, snap, snap.

Oh! Oh, uh-oh.
A friend is having a feeling.

Why don't we validate
that feeling?

Are you feeling sad?

Did someone steal your rainbow?

Hey, somebody
stole my patience.

Oh, okay.
Why don't we dig down deep

and try to find
that feeling, Doug?

Doug.
That's--that's a dude?

Who said that?

- He did.
- What?

Doug made the choice
to be a princess today,

and we validate that choice.

That's stupid.

Boyd, we don't use
the "s" word here.

It's just a word.
It's a normal word.

Uh, we don't use
the word "normal."

It implies "abnormal,"
which we also don't use.

They're just words.
We got to use words.

Okay, everybody, everybody.

♪ We're happy, we're clappy ♪

♪ snappy, happy, clappy ♪

Okay! Silent time...

For everybody.

Mr. Baxter...

Ho ho...

Don't you know that words can
hurt just as much as weapons?

Can they? Let's step outside.
You shout a few words at me.

I'll shoot you in the foot
with a crossbow.

Okay.

Uh, Mr. Baxter,

I'm gonna have to ask you
and your energy to leave.

Okay. Why not?
Why don't we just do that?

Thank you.

Here along
Tanzania's Grumeti River,

the feeding ritual of a bloat
of hippopotami takes place.

Known to fight over territory,
two females

spy the same patch of grass, and
a lively battle ensues.

- Dad!
- Usually, the challenging hippo will stop fighting

when it is clear that the other hippo is stronger...
- I didn't touch your stupid shampoo!

But not always.

Dad! Uhh!

Guys. What? I'm trying to watch
a bloat of hippos fight.

What's happening?

Eve has been using my shampoo--
my Eva Longoria shampoo!

I did not!

Dad, would you please
settle this and smell her head?

I'm fairly certain
I'm not gonna do that.

I want you guys to
take care of this yourselves.

Go upstairs. Do it quietly!

Dad?!

What?

I just got off the phone
with Happy Happy Rainbow.

Congratulations.

Boyd is the first kid
ever to be expelled.

He got expelled
from a preschool?

That's terrible.

Yeah. They say that
our family energy doesn't mesh.

This totally sucks for Boyd.

All of his little friends
go to that school.

Baby, he's 2 years old.
They're not friends.

They're just little blobs
he talks at.

Okay, I need you
to get on the phone

and beg them to take Boyd back.

Can't.

- Why not?
- Don't want to.

You know, he imitates your
behavior, and it's not cute.

Well, it's kind of cute.

He's the only 2-year-old I know
that can do a good arm fart.

Dad, this is a real problem.

What am I supposed
to do with Boyd?

I can't take him
to the diner with me.

Well, we find a new preschool.
How about that?

When? Tomorrow?

Because it took me six months
to get him into that one.

Does that make any sense?

It's so competitive
to get into a school

that doesn't like competition.

Dad.

All right, all right.

Well, for the next couple days,
I can take him to work with me.

Fine.

I'm desperate, and I don't
see any wolves available

to watch him, so I guess
you're the next best thing.

You know, for your information,
earth mom...

Wolves are very nurturing
to their young.

Ugh!

Hey, I want to apologize
for my very justified behavior

at that communist preschool
of Boyd's.

Honey, that's your mess.

You're gonna need
to clean that up.

Meanwhile, back to my neck.
Just...

What's the matter
with your neck?

Can you believe that old bat
thought I was her age?

I mean, look at me.

I'm--I'm way too young
to have an adult daughter,

never mind a grandson.

Yeah, babies having babies.

Yeah, yeah, and the one day
I wear comfortable pants,

I get called out
as an old lady?

Honey, be honest.
How--how old do I look?

25.

Oh, be serious.

All right. 45.

Not that serious.

35.

17. Please make this stop.

Hey, mom...

I wouldn't.

What was
Eleanor Roosevelt like?

You really think I'm that old
that I knew her?

No, but you know
about history, though.

Like, when did
the Great Depression end?

Trust me, it just started.

Excuse me. Hi.
Uh, do you work here?

Oh, is the music too loud?
Do you want to see a manager?

No, no, no. I-I-I love it.

Turn it up, I say.

You know, just, um, shopping.

Oh. Great. Are you looking
for something for your daughter?

Nope.

Granddaughter?

Nope.

Great-granddaughter?

Now I'd like to see a manager.

Hey, Mike.

Mike, what the hell is this?

It's a bouncy house.

I put a Sierra tent
on some inflatable rafts.

Looks like fun.

Yeah.

Get it out of here.

Hey, boss. Boss.
Ed. Ed. It's for Boyd.

I got him kicked out
of a preschool,

which I can't say
without smiling.

Mike, this is a business,
not a day care.

It won't slow anybody down.

That is awesome.

This is exactly
what I'm talking about.

We need people working.
Instead, you've got--

you got Kyle in there,
bouncing around with Boyd.

Boyd's not in there.
What?

He's off making s'mores
with Frank in camping.

Everybody's pretty psyched
to hang out with him.

Can't you put that kid
in a little crate?

You know, I can see why you're
not close to your children.

Oh, wow.

That... is cute.

That's pants.

Oh.

It's, uh...

Are they half off?
Because they're short.

Yeah, I get it.

Uh, so do you, uh,
do you have 'em in a 6?

We have zero
all the way through 2.

Uh...

I'll try three 2s.

Okay.

Mom?

Mandy!

Have you run out of ways
to embarrass me?

Well, a-aren't you
supposed to be studying?

I'm on a break.
What are you doing here?

I--just--I'm shopping.

I'm--I'm trying to find a cute,
um, one of these... things.

Oh, mama.

You're ready
for a new look. Listen to me.

I'm going to fix you.
Come with me. Come on.

It is going to be...
Amazing!

You are going to look bananas!

We didn't have three 2s,
so I brought you six 1s.

Almost done, boss.

Hey, Kyle, what is this?

I said a fort for Boyd,
not a shantytown.

I'm doing the best I can.
I'm not an architect.

Go ahead. Be disappointed in me
like my father...

The architect.

Boy, quit crying, aunt Susan.
I just asked you a question.

Hey, uh, isn't that
don from shipping?

Isn't he supposed to be taking
Boyd for a ride on the forklift?

Uh, no, uh,
Neal from edged weapons

took him to pet
the animal heads.

Neal's in my office,
so who's got the kid?

What are you feeding this kid?

I've seen bears
drop smaller loads

than this little bombardier.

Look who's come around to Boyd.

Well, I'm not made of stone.

I've got some titanium
in my left leg, but no stone.

Look at this--

pack of wolves
taking care of its cub.

We don't need
no stinking preschool.

You got papa wolf there,
changing diapers.

You got timber wolf here,
building a nice, little fort.

Got curly wolf here, forging
for pork rinds for the boy.

Come on!

I'm exhausted.

It's been a long day.

I say we head home, we start
first thing in the morning, huh?

It's 11:00 A.M., Mike.

We got to find you a preschool.

Yeah, I understand everything,
sure. Can he start Monday?

Great. He'll start--
14 months from Monday?

That's like high school.

That's not gonna work.
Yeah, thanks a lot.

How we doing
on that search, Mike?

Not so good. I got him
wait-listed at a cooking school.

That's the best I can do.

For God's sakes,
the guys are exhausted.

We got no work done.

Come on, please,
call that school and apologize.

Apologizing to that guy would go
against everything I believe in.

Let me tell you a little story.

I once had a-a buckshot
supplier, a real jack-wang,

who demanded that I apologize
for something I did not do.

All right? Now my pride
was gonna cost me a bundle.

Ask me what I did.

- All right.
- I'll tell you what I did.

All right.

I apologized,

and it was hard, but it was
the right thing to do,

and at the end of the day,
I felt very good about it.

All right? So...

Especially after I hired a guy

to take a shovel
to his Maserati.

Are you sure
we don't look silly?

No, mama, we look hot.

I don't know about hot.
Do I look hot?

Uh, mom?

Why do you look like Mandy?

Hey, check it out.

We totally got rooster feathers
in our hair. Look.

Yeah, we totally did.

What do you think?

You went over to her side?

No, I'm not on anybody's side.

But I needed you to help me with
my history homework.

I can still help you.

You can't look like her
and know things.

You know, personally, I'd rather
be attractive than smart.

- Yeah, you made that pretty clear.
- Get outta here.

Eve, honey, it's no big deal.

I'm just--I'm trying
to be more... fashionable.

Yeah, but what I love
most about you is,

you just don't care
how you look.

Aw. That's really nice...

And deeply insulting.

Are those feathers?

Yeah.

Okay.

So--so--so you hate them?

What?

The feathers,
th--you hate them.

Forget it. I don't care.
I'm just--I'm...

- Something's wrong, isn't it?
- No. No, no. It's not--

I know when something's wrong.
You know how I know?

'Cause I'm in tune with
your lady moods. All right.

Plus I noticed
somebody pounded down

a brick of
baker's chocolate back there.

I'm a grandmother.

You just found that out?

I knew I was a grandmother,
but I just--

I just--I never thought
of myself as a... grandmother,

but--but it's true.

I-I-I do all
these old lady things.

What old lady things?

I wear sensible shoes.

I-I-I always have candy
in my purse. I...

I enjoy getting knots
out of jewelry.

I wish I had known you always
have candy in your purse.

Where did our youth go?

The girls took it from us.

Come on, baby, there's no reason
to get upset about this.

If you're so okay
with getting older,

why don't you let Boyd
call you grandpa?

It's not my fault that he
insists on calling me "Champ."

He calls me "Granny Goose."
Yeah.

That may, in fact, be my fault.

Come on, babe. It's silly.
It's the march of time.

Days go by.
We can't stop that.

We both get older.
That's how it is.

Let's have a baby.

What?

Yeah. Women my age are
having babies all the time.

Where?

Everywhere...
Some places...

New York.

I looked so young
when I was pregnant.

'Cause you were young
when you were pregnant.

You got to be kidding me.

We can't do it.
I don't have the energy.

I had Boyd for eight hours
today at work.

A team of seven men
were exhausted.

Two of those men
climbed Everest with no oxygen.

Don't you remember
when I was a new mother?

I was just--
I was so vibrant--

no, no, no, no, no. You were
sleep-deprived. You were crazy.

- And--and no one cared that I always
had food in my hair. - We all cared.

We all cared. We just
talked behind your back.

My boobs were giant.

We could talk about a kid.

Mom!
Mom!

- Oh, jeez.
- I caught Eve using my shampoo!

I was moving it
to get to my shampoo!

I don't want to smell
like Eva Longoria!

Oh, but she smells like lavender
and--and all things pretty!

Girls! Go to your rooms
and shut your doors!

Okay, maybe not another baby.

Listen, for whatever it's worth,
I think you're beautiful,

and I think you're getting
more beautiful every single day,

and there's no one
I would rather walk with

towards the sweet release
of death than you.

It's a good thing you don't
write songs anymore.

Mm.

Mm.

What...

What smells like lavender?

Nothing.

You're using
Mandy's Eva Longoria.

No, I'm not.

Oh,
I don't believe you.

I'm a big fan of hers.

Oh, Mike.

Thanks for doing this.

It's the right thing to do.

Sorry to keep you waiting.
I was meditating and I ran long.

Well, it could happen to anybody.

Listen, I want to apologize
for my behavior the other day--

everything I said, everything
I did, everything I am.

From a molecular level,
I am just sorry.

- Wow. I think that is wonderful.
- Mm-hmm.

I really like
what you've said here today.

So we're good.

We're good, we're done.
Yeah. Uh-huh.

Let's, uh, let's get Boyd
back here on Monday.

We got to un-teach him

all the stuff
that grandpa taught him.

- Right, we'll see you Monday.
- Okay.

Wait. You say this school's
all about acceptance,

but you're being kind of
judge-y about my dad.

Hey, no harm, no foul. What do
you say we get outta here?

Well, there is a lot to judge.

It would take all of my charcoal
to sketch his aura.

Well, you'd need more
than charcoal.

Hey, my dad did a pretty good
job raising three girls.

Well, two out of three.

And if Boyd ended up
like his grandpa,

I would not be devastated.

So we'll see you Monday.

You know what?

I don't even know if I want
my son coming to this school.

- Oh, sure you do.
- In fact,

I would rather that he spend
every day at work with my dad!

Happy happy snappy
crappy snappy happy happy...

Hey.

Hi.

Well, if it isn't
the most beautiful,

sexy, youthful wife
that I know.

Me?

Yeah.

Oh, wow. Thank you. Oh.

And guess what we're
gonna do tonight?

What?

Get dressed up,
go out to a nice dinner.

Then maybe we'll go dancing,

and I mean till dawn.
Let's par-tay.

Wow.

That sounds like a lot of fun.

Doesn't it?

It does. It does.

Huh?

Or...

We could eat cereal in bed
and read our books.

I was hoping you'd say that.

Oh, high fiber for me.
It's easier to digest.

Preaching to the choir.