Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 16 - Tree of Strife - full transcript

Aah! Holy crap!

Eve, honey, look,

if you don't want people
to think you're a tomboy,

then maybe you shouldn't
talk like an auto mechanic.

Hey, I'm just saying,

this freakin' wind deserves
a little more than a "wow."

Ho-ho! Holy crap!

Nice. Nice. Where did
you girls get your eloquence?

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa. That wind is
blowing like a mother--

Mike!



Sorry. Just saying.

We couldn't be more secure, though.

'Cause this little piggy
made his house out of brick.

You know, Boyd is actually
sleeping through this?

That's 'cause he trusts his
grandpa to take care of things.

He shows that trust by snoring
and peeing in those pull-ups.

Ooh. I should get the candles ready.

Why do you get the candles ready?

The generator's all gassed up.

Yeah, just like its owner.

You're the one
that makes Brussels sprouts.

Oh, my God. Daddy, I'm so scared.

It's gonna be just fine.

Aw, come on, Mandy.



We've huddled through
bigger storms than this.

But Kim Kardashian
is on her book tour.

She could be on a plane right now,

and the thought of her
bouncing around up there

just terrifies me.

Isn't the thought
of her bouncing around

what made her famous
in the first place?

You guys, Kim has been
through so much lately,

but I wouldn't expect you
to understand.

And... we don't.

Dad, how would you feel
if your precious Tim Tebow

was flying in this weather?

I'm sure he'd be fine.
If the airplane got in trouble,

he could just carry the plane
to safety on his back.

Those trees look like
they're about to come down.

I've trimmed all of our trees.

Mother nature and I go
toe-to-toe all the time.

She's never gotten
the better of your dad.

What about when
the pipes froze and burst

and flooded the cabin?

Ah, that was Mr. Nature.

That big one near the street

looks like it could go at any second.

Look. That's a city tree.
I've trimmed that, too.

Come on. Look, guys, we're all right.

We're in our own house.
We couldn't be safer.

Ooh, whoa, whoa.

Holy crap!

Last Man Standing - S01E16
Tree of Strife

Original air date
February 7, 2012

Can't believe that guy
from the city's already here.

They usually make you wait all day.

Yeah, well, dad said he saw the nest

of an endangered spotted owl
in the tree.

So if a taxpayer's property
is damaged,

they can wait all day,

but if a precious bird
is in jeopardy?

"Oh, we'll get right on that."

Government!

It's like a Mike Baxter
with pigtails.

Good news. You guys, Kim is
safely on the ground in Vegas.

Thank God.

Right on schedule for her trip...

To the Cherry Hill
mall in Denver.

Well, maybe you can stop
at a bookstore

and pick up something
interesting to read.

Oh, mama, when are you gonna
give up on me?

So, guys, you only have one chance

to make a first impression,
so when I meet Kim,

should I recite
my haiku or my limerick?

Let's hear 'em!
Okay.

Haiku first...

"Beauty, in and out.

"Defining class, grace, and style.

Kim Kardashian."

That's--that's good, Mandy.

That's good. Yeah.
Okay. Or...

Should I go with the limerick?
Ready? Um...

Okay. "The fairest
of Kardashian Lasses,

"Kim K. Brought style to the masses.

"She did it with flair
and a toss of her hair

and one of the world's
most spectacular--"

The haiku!

So I don't see the nest
of any near-threatened species.

Good hustle
getting over here, though.

So what seems to be the issue?

Uh...

Well...

What do you say we, uh, take a guess?

Gotta do it in a hurry,
'cause I gotta get to work,

earn some money
so I can pay your salary.

Well, first things first,
mister, uh...

- Baxter.
- Baxter, yes.

Article II, section 57-17--

a "tree" shall mean any
perennial Woody plant,

usually, but not necessarily
single-stemmed and long-lived,

with a height
greater than overall spread.

Check.

Wow. So we--we have established
that this is a tree?

Yeah. Check.

Right. Uh-huh.

And as a tree,
per the recent council motion,

the city is absolved
of all fiscal responsibility.

The city voted not to be
responsible for city trees?

Not fiscally responsible.

Are you emotionally responsible?

You know,
this is actually very lucky.

Is it?

Yeah. I mean, no one was hurt, right?

Plus this black Walnut shows signs

of thousand cankers disease.

I got that in a locker room
once. Ever had that?

It's very itchy.

Not really much
of a sportsman myself.

No kiddin'.

Anywho,

in accordance with article II,
section 57-21

relating to the removal
of dead and dangerous trees,

you're gonna need to chop down
this black Walnut.

It's a hazard.

This is the hazard. There's
nothing wrong with that one.

Yes, there is, see?

Well, you just made my tree
a hazard by checking it.

Yeah. Well, now it's official.

If you'd like to appeal the decision,

you can always come down and appear

before the city forestry board.

I'm kind of the chairman
of that board.

You know, I'd, uh,

I'd rather have my left nut
caught in a car door.

Okeydokey.

I'm gonna go ahead and put you down

as waiving your right to appeal.

Walk me through this, all right?
Sure.

So the city's not
gonna be responsible

for one of your trees
that fell on my yard,

but you want me to cut down
my tree on my yard?

Oh, sir. You're not gonna make
this difficult, are you?

Why don't we ask
the building inspector

who's decomposing in my crawl space?

Have a good one.

Hey, Mike, what's up?

You're usually the first one in here.

Oh, I spent the morning dealing
with the city bureaucrat.

I've had prostate exams
that were more comfortable.

There's no more soul-crushing
adversary than the man.

- "The man"?
- Yeah.

- What are you, a Black Panther?
- Oh, yeah.

Briefly.
It was the '60s.

Well, "the man" wants me to
remove a tree from my own yard.

Oh, all right. Let me guess.
Now you love that tree

because it symbolizes
the growth of your family.

I couldn't give a duck fart
about that stupid tree.

I just don't like the man telling me

what I can and can't do
on my own property.

Yeah, I understand.

Well, that means you've got to fight.

Not that book.
Don't bring that book out.

Using the principles of
"The Art of War" by... Sun Tzu!

That's just
for ancient Chinese warriors.

Oh, really? Really?
How about when Ted's tackle box

threatened to open
a store a mile from us, huh?

Listen, I used the tactic
on page 37 right here.

Is that in Chinese?

The point is I bribed the realtor

to sell us the lot, remember?

Because all war is deception.

Right, right.

According to the great Sun Tzu.

It's a cliche,

but there's gotta be a way
that we can fight city hall.

All right, you can use your agility

against their clumsy, ponderous size.

It's guerilla warfare, man.

You know, as much as I'd like
to grab an assault rifle,

paint myself green,
go in the mountains,

this is happening in my suburban
front lawn, my friend.

They--they move slow.
They move--I got it.

They move fast.

Don't say it again.
Don't say it again.

This is to your infinite advantage

according to the great Sun Tzu!

Wow.

I heard something let go, man.

No, no, just--
okay.

Oh. I always loved this tree.

Yeah.

Remember when I hit
my head on the low branch

and got 15 stitches?

Or when I fell out of the tire swing

and broke my wrist?

Yeah, so many incredible memories.

- Guys, it's just a tree.
- Honey.

Yeah, but this is the first tree
I kissed a boy under.

Oh, my God. Me, too.

Jake Borelli.

Classy.

Nobody's gonna cut
this tree down. You know why?

'Cause they're bureaucrats,
and the only thing

they can do quickly
is give themselves a raise.

Mr. Baxter!

Dad, it's the government.

The city is acting in accordance
with article 2, section 57-21--

listen, we have an document
we'd like to present.

How about the bill of rights?

Yeah, maybe you've heard
of the fourth amendment?

Yeah, well, that protects
against searching and seizing,

not, uh, not sawing.

Hey, hey, do you even care
that this tree's been a part

of our family and grown up
with us over the years?

What do you think?

Take it down.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait. Do you have
an H-SR219 form?

Uh... well...

You do know you're required
to show proof that this action

won't have a deleterious effect
on the soil.

Yeah, deleterious.

Suck it!

Easy! Hey, hey.

What are you,
some kind of a geologist?

Yeah, the worst kind--

a geologist with a bad attitude
and nothing to lose.

All right. You're right.
You win this round,

but we'll be back with an H-SR219,

and then this tree is coming down.

- You do that.
- Wow.

"A geologist with a bad attitude
and nothing to lose."

That's your mom talkin'.

Damn straight.

Yeah. What are we gonna do
when he comes back

with an H-SR219?

Tell you what we we're gonna do.
I told you girls always fight

for what you believe in, right?
We're Baxters. We don't give up.

I say we fight this in city hall.

Honey, I thought you didn't
care about the tree.

- I don't.
- Right.

But I care about the people
that care about the tree.

- Aw, daddy!
- All right, all right, all right.

That's enough, that's enough,
that's enough.

Little bit more.

Okay, we're ready.

All right, Eve.
What are you gonna do?

I am circulating an online petition.

That's a great idea.

Oh, I signed one of those once. Yeah.

Didn't have quite the effect
on the Taliban we'd hoped.

All right, Kris,
what are you gonna do?

Okay, well, I'm gonna call
the local environmental group,

'cause I wanna see
if we can get, like,

a big group of people together
for a tree sit-in.

I like trees.
I don't like tree huggers.

Let's not do that.

Shoot for the emotions.

Get an emotional appeal somehow.

Okay, you know what?
I've got a great idea.

Great. Great, great.

All right, Mandy?
Um...

I'm kinda spending tomorrow

with my new best friend,
Kim Kardashian, so...

You're never going to be
friends with a Kardashian,

not even rob.

Hater alert!

Raising my shields.

Blocking it out.

Honey, what are you gonna do?

I am gonna go dig up some dirt.

Ah, blackmail city officials.
I like it.

No, I'm gonna actually dig dirt,
get soil samples.

Wanna help?

Oh, yeah. I'd like to.

I didn't think so.

Hi.

What's your name?

Fandy!
I'm your biggest man.

Oh, my God.
Kim, Kim, seriously,

you look so beautiful.

Thanks, Fandy.

Can I give you a hug?

Sure. I could use one.

Oh, my God! I'm gonna give
Kim Kardashian a hug! I rule!

Oh, my God! I'm so sorry!
Oh, God.

It's okay.
Don't worry about it.

No, I'm sorry. Um, we're still
doing the hug, though, right?

Now I'm thinking no hug.

I'm not leaving
till I hug you. No, sir. Sir!

Please take your hands off of me!

No, Kim, listen.
I wrote you two poems.

Hey! One is a haiku!
It's really, really short!

Kim, I love you!

Whoo! Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man,

cruising across the Colorado
terrain in my A.T.V.

That's right.
It's the 900 series reaper.

Lot of power in this baby.
Thank God.

Look at that!
See ya, suckers!

That's right. It's an A.T.V.

The government wants to call it
an S.T.V.--

a some terrain vehicle--

tell you where
you're supposed to drive it.

You're not allowed to drive it
on public roads.

Why? Well, 'cause frankly,
it's not that safe.

Good call on that one, man.

Yeah, the man--always wants to
tell you where and when

you can do things.
When do they cross the line?

You know when they cross the line?

When they get into private property.

The man shouldn't be telling me

what to do on my private property.

Heck, I don't tell him

where his bridges to nowhere
should go.

Where's the end of this thing?

Oh, right there!

But out here on my private property,

he can't tell me what to do
'cause he can't find me.

Damn! It's the man!
Always got the cool stuff!

But they'll never take me alive!

See ya, guys! Buh-bye!

A little more unhinged
than usual, Mike?

It's bureaucrats.
I can't--

I just can't handle it.

Look, Mike, I know
you're upset with the city,

but now more than ever
it's time to invoke

the bend-but-don't-break strategy.

Another great slogan from
the famous philosopher Sun Tzu.

Forget Sun Tzu.
I googled him.

It turned out
that China lost a lot of wars

after he wrote his books.

Okay, up next is...
Michael Baxter.

Good, good.
Okay, girls. Let's go. Go, go.

Whew.
Eve, honey. Wait. Get up.

Eve, honey. Get up.
What is she doing?

Hold on. Tebowing.
Need all the help we can get.

Okay, honey.
I think he heard you.

Ahh. Here's a online petition
in support of our tree.

Oh, well, good for you.
It is great to see

a young person
showing some initiative,

although it will have no bearing
on this process.

So I wasted my time?

No. No, not at all,
because I have a button here

for you with a picture
of our state flower.

It's all right. Come...
You. You...

Go on.

I'd like to read a passage
from a book

that talks about the impact
of a single tree--

"The Giving Tree"
by Shel Silverstein.

Aha. And don't they cut down
that tree in the end?

Withdrawn.

Dad!

What?
I never finished the book.

I read. She always fell
asleep in bed.

I don't even know how the book ends.

I didn't mean to do--

uh, your honor, uh, I have done
my own geotechnical soil survey.

Ooh! Here we go.

And, uh, in our yard, we are
dealing with the parent material

of glacial outwash,
which is a coarser soil

than glacial till.

Now the health of our soil

is greatly enhanced
by the roots of our trees.

Hmm.
And each layer of soil is called a horizon,

and I have conducted tests
at four different boring depths.

Yes, boring depths.
Well, mission accomplished.

Ma'am, the city takes no joy
in removing this tree,

but if we made an exception here,

we'd have to do it for everybody.

Yeah. And then you know
what'd happen.

Next thing you know, the city
would be covered in... trees.

Unless you have anything else to add,

we will be moving on
to Vivienne Wilson.

Just a second, just a second.
What we're trying to get at here

is we planted this tree shortly
after we moved in the house,

so we--we picnicked under this tree,

and my--my youngest daughter
here has broken

a lot of bones
falling out of that tree,

and--and my other two daughters
made out with the same boy

under that tree.

Not at the same time.
I didn't say at the same time.

It makes me look bad.
I did it first. It doesn't--it doesn't--

it doesn't matter.
That Borelli kid--

- The point is...
- Yes?

If you cut down that tree,
it's not cutting a tree down.

It's like removing
a member of our family.

Hmm. Well, thank you, Mr. Baxter.

Your speech is very persuasive.

Not persuasive enough, I guess.

Hmm. But on the positive side,

its gonna be a lot brighter
in my den.

♪

Did Lady Gaga wear
a catcher's mitt on her head

to a funeral?

We've got the pictures.

But first, how meeting
Kim Kardashian proved to be

too much for one excitable fan
in Denver.

No. No, Shaun Robinson, no!

Yes! I'm going in to hug
Kim Kardashian, you guys!

Oh, my God!
Wow. So sorry.

Wow.
No, it's fine, it's fine.

Gosh, Mandy's been through a lot.

We should watch upstairs
so her bummed-out attitude

doesn't make us feel weird
for laughing.

Let's go.

Surprise.

My angel.

No, it's just me.

And I brought a small film crew.

Uh, oh, my God.

You-- you're in my house.

Well, my producer thought
it would make good TV

if we locate the clumsy poet
from the mall

so I can console her.

Um, how did you find me?

It wasn't hard.

As my security was dragging you out,

you were screaming, "hello!
Don't you know who I am?

My father's Outdoor Man!"

Oh, no.

Um...
Are they filming right now?

Who?

What do you mean, who?
The...

Oh, them?

You stop noticing after a while.

Oh. I'm totally not camera-ready.

Oh, no, yes, you are.

Are you kidding me,
with this skin of yours?

Oh, my God.
I'm getting such a hit

of what it must be like
to be your sister right now,

and it is awesome.

Well, hey. Life knocks us all
down every once in a while,

but it's what you do
when you get back up

that really matters.

Come here.

I love you so much.

You're gonna be fine.

Well, you don't understand
what I've been through.

I-I've been publicly humiliated.

Do you even know what's that like?

When I feel like
I'm the butt of the joke,

you know what gives me strength?

A silk bag full of money?

Sometimes.

But it's family.
They'll always be there for you,

and you always have
to be there for them.

You're so wise.

You got that, right?

Well, Fandy,
it was so nice meeting you.

Oh, my God. You, too.

If you ever come to California,

you have to come see me.

Oh, my God. That's amazing.
Can I get your number?

Okay, then. See you soon.

Okay! Bye, guys.

See you soon!
See you in California!

Wow, honey, why are you so happy?

- Because I love my family so much.
- Oh.

And it took an angel
to teach me that.

Mandy, honey?

Mandy, get back here!
Are your pupils dilated?

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

- Hey.
- Hey, dad.

- Oh.
- What's that?

Well, according to city code 57-15,

this is, in fact, a tree.

This is a little baby black Walnut,

and we're gonna plant this
right out in front of the house.

Aw.

Oh, now, now, now don't
get all excited.

It's gonna be a long time
before any of you

can kiss a boy under that tree.

Yeah, next time,
make it a different boy.

I did it first.

- I did it better.
- Guys!

Wow.

Do you realize dad is right here?

Listen, here's the situation.

We may have lost this battle,
but we didn't lose our spirit.

Yeah.
So here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna plant

this little baby
out in front of the house,

- and if the man comes out here and dares to cut this down...
- Mm?

What we're gonna do--we're gonna
just plant another one.

If he comes back a second time,
you're on your own,

because literally, it's just a tree,

and I got stuff to do.