Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 17 - Adrenaline - full transcript

Hey.

We've got company.

So we do.

Mm.

Yeah, he sees us, too.

Yeah, sure, he does.

You'd better do something.

Mm-hmm.

All right. 50 yards.

Uh-huh.

40.



35!

- Yep.
- Shoot! Shoot!

Shoot! Shoot, man!

Shoot!

Ooh!

Mike?

Honey, have you seen my brown shoes?

Oh! Wait a minute.
Here they are.

Mom! Mandy blew a fuse
with her hair dryer again!

- Ooh.
- I did not! It was Eve!

- I don't even dry my hair!
- Ooh.

What kind of person even admits that?

Last Man Standing - S01E17
Adrenaline

Original air date
February 14, 2012



Now I was gonna try clear gloss
over flat matte.

- Mm-hmm.
- Never dries right.

Okay, what you wanna do
is use a water-based polish

and that way, you don't need
a cover gloss. Right, dad?

I'm really trying hard
not to listen to this.

Maybe I need to, you know,
shake things up.

Try something exciting.

Something exciting.
I like the sound of that.

I'm way ahead of you.

Ten nails--
ten different colors!

Oh, man, honey, we gotta get outta here.

Let's do something exciting
this weekend. Go winter camping.

We'll get the snowmobiles out,
have a riot, huh?

Nope, can't.

I got my pickling class
with Michelle tonight.

- Your pickling class?
- Yep, yep.

That makes your knitting group
sound like an x game.

Stop. I enjoy it.

Plus, you gotta take Boyd to Gymborama,

and you promised you'd take Eve
to get new socks.

- Whoo! How could I forget a day like that?
- Yeah.

Where is Eve?

Oh, uh, she's studying for math club.

- Before breakfast?
- Yeah, well...

She's gotta dial it down a bit.

How come she can't be
more like professor nail polish

and aunt boring over there?

Hey, so, uh, I'm wondering

if next Saturday, you could
pick up Boyd from day care?

Yeah. Sure. Why?

Can't tell you.

Is it personal?

Can't tell you.

Is it something about me?

- Yes.
- Really?

- No.
- Oh.

Well, then I don't care.

- Well, good.
- Well, good.

I do care. I can't think.
I'm not eating.

Kristin, tell me.
Tell me.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for outdoor man.

Thinking today about
the best part about hunting.

Lot of good parts,
but the very best part--

think about it--
when your gun jams.

What? Gun jams?

Yeah, think about it--

now you have a 500-pound black bear,

who's kind of mad at you,

running right at you.

And you're thinking to yourself,

"Huh. I don't think I'm gonna
make it through this."

In that split second, you're going,

"I'm gonna spend eternity now
with Marilyn Monroe,

"Jesus,

and most of Lynyrd Skynyrd."

But your fortune changes.

Get a new cartridge back in that gun,

you rack it, boom,
you pop off, hit the bear.

Now he gets to spend eternity
with gentle Ben,

bear Jesus,

and most of the Country Bear Jamboree.

There's nothing like
the rush of adrenaline

to make you feel alive.

Whether it's swimming with sharks,

or if you're with your girlfriend,

and all of a sudden, her husband
pulls in the driveway

in his patrol car.

You know, sadly, a lot of us
just don't feel this.

"Men lead lives of quiet desperation."

Thoreau.

"Boredom is desire seeking desire."

Tolstoy.

Communist.

"Bored?

"Get out of the basement,

put the comic books down,
and do something!"

Grammy.

Mike, I wanna show you something here.

I've been thinking of jazzing up
the retail space a little bit,

to add some excitement here, you know?

All right!
Yeah?

Yeah, let's do it. Exciting.
What do you wanna do?

Well, I'm thinking of arranging
the fishing rods by height.

Huh? See? See?

Not exciting enough, huh?

What do you say we blow something up?

Yeah.

Like what?

Like a bass boat.

We fill it with gasoline,

we shoot it 50 feet in the air,

the thing bursts into a fireball.

We'll sell a lot of somethin'.

Could I ask you to reconsider
the fishing rod idea?

Wrestling!

We put a cage over by camping.

People come in, they watch
greasy men beat each other up,

they'll buy something.

Hmm.

Or I could just send you to Brisbane.

In Australia?

Yeah, well, the hunting
and fishing expo's next month.

- I know.
- And clearly, you're itching for some real excitement.

Reward yourself with a trip.
Enjoy. Go on. Go on. Go on.

Ah, I can't.

With Vanessa's promotion,

I've been pickling up the slack at home.

Did you just say "pickling"?

Did I?

All right. All right.
Professional wrestlers it is.

Okay, we'll put a couple
by the register.

If you can defeat them,
you get 20% off your purchase.

How's that?

I don't think our customers

should have to fight someone
to buy things.

All right, just spitballing.
They're not all gems, right?

How about my NASCAR idea?

No offense, but I think
you're past the age limit.

Besides, I drove in today,

you were asleep in the car
with your blinker on.

Aw, come on.
You know, I'm serious.

NASCAR's one of the biggest
sports in America.

75 million fans. It'll be
a huge promotion for us.

Maybe not a bad idea.

We get a car, put it in our store,

people come in, fan appreciation day,

we bring a lot of customers in.

I've known Tony Stewart for years.

I'll give him a call.

Maybe we can get our logo on the car!

All right! I love that,
I love that, I love that.

I've been looking for somewhere
to invest all that cash

that I've got taped under my desk.

What?

Nothin'.

Tell me. Tell me.

Tell me. Tell me.

Tell me. Tell me.

I listened to Boyd ask for a cookie

for three straight hours yesterday.

You really think you can break me?

What if I tell you one of my secrets?

You don't have any secrets.
You never shut up.

Not true. I shut up just long enough

to hear a very juicy secret
about Jake Borelli

and who he was making out with
in his grandma's motor home.

Okay.

Who?

You first.

Okay, fine. But you cannot tell
Eve, because she'll tell mom.

She's a rat.

I know. She's on her payroll.

That's why her allowance is so big.

- Come on.
- Okay, okay.

Okay, so a bunch of the girls
at work are going skydiving,

and I signed up, too.

You did what?

Get in here.

You cannot tell mom.

She's the matriarch of the family.

She's supposed to know everything.

Here. Look.

That's me tap dancing in a tankini.

Right. It is one click away
from going viral.

- No, no! Stop!
- Watch me.

Fine.

I won't tell mom.

Tell me what?

Uh, nothing.

What's with the third degree?
Where am I, GITMO?

Hey.

Hey!

So I pulled out some steaks
for you and the girls.

- Why? Where are you going?
- Pickling.

- Pickling?
- Yeah.

Listen to yourself.

You used to ski down black diamond hills

on one leg.

Now you're putting vegetables in brine.

And?

Aren't you the woman that got
kicked out of a national park

for kayaking down
a waterfall buck naked?

I know what this is.
I know.

You're upset about something,

and you are not gonna be happy
until I am upset, too.

But it's not gonna work,
because I am very happy.

- Pickling?
- Yeah, pickling. I enjoy it.

- Just like an old woman.
- No, that's not gonna work.

Yeah? Where you taking your classes?

The senior center.

Congratulations!
I am now upset!

Okay, guys, we're all set.
Tony Stewart's car is here.

How'd you get it in so fast?

Curly and the guys.

They help me push it in
through the elephant doors.

- Yeah, well, where's Tony?
- He said he had to pee like a race car.

Then he started laughing.

Let's see it!

Come on. I can't wait to see the logo!

Come on.

Wow. (Laughs) Look at that.

Ooh.

Where's the logo?

Kyle, show him.

- It's over here.
- Huh?

It's right... there.

There it is! There it is!
Outdoor man.

Somehow, I thought it might be bigger.

Looks pretty good.

I can cover it with my thumb.

And the Basque are not
known for large thumbs.

Well, how you doing, Smoke?

How you doing, Choke?

Good to see you.

"Choke"?

What, did you get
all nervous and freeze up?

No, I actually choked someone

'cause they asked me a stupid question.

Uh, Tony Stewart, this is
our C.E.O., Ed Alzate.

A pleasure.
Question, Tony, please.

Come on.

Um, any way to make
this logo a little bigger?

Well, it's not really my area.

I see, but the--
the car's your area, right?

- Right.
- And the logo is on the car?

Uh, how--how could
that not be your area?

Ed, Ed... dial it back
a little bit, all right?

Forget it. He's all hopped up
on jelly beans.

Listen, I'm doing you
a huge favor here, Choke.

This isn't a show car.
This is the real deal.

Won the sprint cup title in this baby.

I really appreciate it.

You know, and it's lucky for you

I was busy that day,
'cause I think I probably

could have taken you in my pickup truck.

I can drive in reverse

faster than you can drive
that old milk truck.

That old milk truck
is a classic, you know?

Much like your haircut.

Listen, just don't let anybody touch it

and lean on it and sit in it.

And especially, most of all,
don't let anybody kiss the hood.

Kiss the hood?

Especially you.

Anyway, what time you need me back here?

Uh, show's at 4:00.

Why don't you get back here
at 3:30 for some prep?

We got a big crowd showing up.

Sounds good.
I'll see you then.

See you later, bud.

Oh, this is some machine.

Yeah, yeah. If I were younger,

I'd be out in the parking lot
doing doughnuts in it.

Even if you wanted to, this thing won't turn on.

Oh, butch up, Mildred.

All you'd have to do
is attach the battery,

and then you just...
Flip the old kill switch.

There you go, huh?

Boy, driving this thing is like
being strapped to a missile.

Yeah. A 900-horsepower missile.

Can you imagine that?

With 42 other cars right behind you?

Going around Talladega?
Over 200 miles an hour? Yeah!

Wow, huh?

Yeah.

I don't really get it.

What don't you get?

Oh, no, I think the car's pretty cool.

I just don't get
the whole appeal of racing.

It's about endurance, man and machine.

Come on. These guys
are flying around the track,

sometimes they're hitting 3 G's.

3 G's! That's the same amount of G's

as astronauts feel when
they take off on a rocket.

Wow.

Just wish our name was bigger.

I'm thinking about pickling a radish.

Is that crazy?
Tell me it's crazy.

Hmm? What?

I, uh...
Oh, no. No, no. No.

You're distracted.

A little.

I mean--
just I...

I was once a black diamond skier.

I kayaked over a waterfall,

I even repelled down the face
of Lincoln on mount Rushmore.

And now I-I-I go to work,

I raise kids, I-I pickle.

I pickle things I don't even like.

- You know what you need?
- What?

Bangs.

I really think your forehead
could pull it off.

Everybody down!

You! Down!

Vanessa! He said to get down!

He was very specific!

Down!

Lady, do you have a problem?

Yeah. You're my problem.

Ooh!

Uhh!

Drop it.

Too slow.

Mom. Mom!

Too slow.

Mom!

Hmm? What?

Your friend is on the phone.

What?

You know, Michelle,

the one that dad says
looks like a robot.

Yeah, hi.
Hi, Michelle.

What? Oh, yeah.
I-I'll meet you there.

Oh, my gosh. Wow.

- Mm.
- Mom.

Hmm? What?

Nothing.

Wh-what?
What is it, honey?

I can't tell you.

I'm afraid I'll crack
if you keep asking me...

If-- if you keep asking me.

Well, is-- is it about school?

No.
Mandy?

No.
Kristin?

What is it about Kristin?

Look, I-I can't tell you.

I'd sooner jump out of an airplane

with a bunch of waitresses
before I told you.

Is Kristin skydiving?

I can't tell you.

Good girl.

He said not to do this.

I don't care.
I want to kiss the hood.

He put the thought in my head.

"Dear sirs, by now you've
probably noticed that

"the race car is missing.
That's because I took it.

Warmest regards, Kyle."

If Tony comes back, that car isn't here,

we'll lose the endorsement.

Yeah.

Kyle speaking.

Kyle, where are you?

Oh, I wanted to try some of
those doughnut things

you were talking about.

But I can't get it in gear.
I think it's stuck.

Where are you?

North parking lot.

Stay there. I'm coming.

Okay, you can't miss me.

I'm standing right next
to a bright red race car.

Hello?

Oh, my God.

My heart is pounding so hard.

Alpha team!
You're up next.

Let's make our way to the staging area.

Hustle up! Let's go!

Kristin! Honey!

Mom?

Ugh! Eve!

Yeah, yeah, Eve told me!

And you should have, too!

I know, but...

Mom, it's not fair!

Everybody else gets to have
all of this fun and excitement,

and I don't.

Honey, listen, I know.
I know it's not fair.

And trust me, when I had you,

I gave up a lot of stuff, too,

like-- like smoking and bar fights

and fatty food.

I-- whoa. I'm-- did you say "bar fights"?

Look-- it-- look,

the-- the point is...
Is you are an adult.

And you're a role model.

And-- and you have to think
of more than just yourself.

- I know that, and I do.
- Yeah.

But it's just...
Being responsible

doesn't mean never having any fun.

Honey, that's exactly what it means.

I don't really think
that you believe that.

Well...

I do. I do. Yes.
That is what I believe.

Do it with me.

What?

Yeah. Come on.
You should jump with me.

- Come on, mom, it's gonna be awesome.
- I know,

but that would make me
a total hypocrite!

So? Would you rather be
a big old bore? Come on!

- Come on.
- Ladies! Last chance!

Who's jumping?

Yeah. You heard him.
Last chance, ladies.

Who's jumping? Come on.

No, you go. You go.

Go. Have fun.

You sure?

Go.

Okay.

Hey! Smoke! You're early!

Yeah, it's just kind of my thing.

I wanna check on my race car.

Kind of miss her when we're apart.

Yeah, of course.
Oh, she's a beauty!

But first, why don't we go upstairs?

I'll show you the gun
that killed Hemingway.

Huh? Come on.

I just wanna check on my race car.

Yeah, hang on. What kind
of host would I be

if I didn't load you down
with premium outdoor man swag?

- Huh?
- Ah, it's not necessary.

Of course not, but...
Just one question.

One question.

Uh, what size
snowshoes do you wear? Hmm?

I really don't wear snowshoes.

- You don't wear snowshoes?
- No.

Let's go to the warehouse.

You haven't lived until
you've trudged laboriously

through hip-deep snow, man.

But I don't wear snowshoes.

They go with everything.

You know, Kyle, of all
the dumb things you've done,

this is the dumbest.

That may not be true.

One time, I took my mom's cat Dorothy

to a rookies game.

Kyle, this isn't a talk show.

Listen, we gotta get this car
back through the elephant doors.

You push, I'm gonna steer.

No can do. I tweaked my back.

You'll just have to drive it.

I'm not driving this.

Look, Mr. B.,

I saw the way you looked at this thing,

and I know you can start it.

I'm not gonna drive it.

I dare you.

I don't know much about you,
but I do know this--

you love your family,

you enjoy your life,

and every now and then,
you need to do something

you're probably gonna regret.

This is that moment.

I'm gonna start this car,

I'm gonna drive this car,

and if I don't get killed in this car,

I'm gonna get out of the car
and kick your ass.

I expect nothing less, sir.

You might wanna back away.

Look out below!

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Whoo!

Try these goggles.

They won't fog, even in fog.

I just wanna see the car.

Yes, of course.
How would you like to see

the loading dock, huh? You like
boxes, right? Don't you?

No, don't touch that.

Hey, Tony, how's it going?

We were...
We were just looking at...

The... this, uh...
Side of the car.

It's nice.
You know, it's...

You know, the car, which is
right back where you left it.

And there's no reason
to suspect otherwise.

No.
None whatsoever.

- I think I've got a new passion for racing, actually--
- Whoa!

You know, there's a whole shipment of

"shut the hell up" downstairs.
Why don't you unload it?

Got it.

Kids.

You drove the car, didn't you, Mikey?

Oh, come on.
What'd you expect?

It was like putting a hot
apple pie in a windowsill.

Give me the keys to your truck.

Why?

Well, you did doughnuts in my car,

I'm gonna do doughnuts in your truck.

I don't think that's a good
idea. It's an old classic.

It-- you'd flip it or something.

Yeah, but that possibility
is exactly what makes it fun.

Uh, really, it's not the same thing.

You know, and really,
nobody drives my truck but me.

Tony, I understand how you feel.

Just a second here. But two
wrongs do not make a right.

I'm with Mike on this one.
I have to back him up.

I'll double the size of that logo.

Mike, give him your keys.

Hi.

Oh, good.
You stopped her.

Actually, she didn't.

You let her jump?

I had to keep a close eye on her.

You jumped, too?

Yeah, it's possible.

I've been sitting here racked with guilt

that I betrayed a secret!

I-I've barely been able to study!

I mean, the teacher said we
wouldn't be tested on this,

but it could be a trick.

Oh, honey, Eve...

Listen to me, sweetheart...

Sweetheart, you are
a good and responsible person.

It's very important.
But, Evie...

Sometimes it's also important
to just... live a little!

Mom used to get into bar fights!

Ugh! Come on. Can no one
keep a secret in this house?

Come on, Eve.

I wanna show you the video of our jump.

Not interested.

Mom hit a bird on the way down.

Now I'm interested.

Come on!

Wow.

Oh. Whoo.

Hmm.

- Hey, V., V., V.!
- Oh, honey! Honey!

I did something crazy today.

I did something really crazy, too.

I took Tony Stewart's car
out in the parking lot

and did doughnuts!
In a NASCAR! Doughnuts!

I jumped out of a plane!

- Bedroom?
- Kids.

Bomb shelter!