Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 15 - House of Spirits - full transcript

Quick, quick, quick, here he comes.

Shh.

(Girls) Surprise!

(Kristin and Mandy) - Happy birthday!
- Hey, guys.

- Happy birthday, dad.
- Aw, you scared me. Thank you, guys.

Oh, what do we have here?

A birthday frittata.

A frittata?

Remember, you told us that story
about the delicious frittatas

you had at that cafe
on the Amalfi coast?

You probably forgot that I got
food poisoning on that frittata.



That's why I can speak Italian.

"Questi pantaloni sono sporchi."

(Italian accent)
"These pants need cleaning."

(Laughs) Make a wish and blow it out.

Okay. What do you say
we wish for a train set?

Yeah. Ready? Ready?
(Inhales) Ready? (Inhales, blows air)

(Girls) Yay!

- Okay. Present time. Me first.
- Okay.

It's for you, daddy.

Uh, Mandy got me a coupon book...

Yeah.

With, uh...
"Free hugs"...

Mm-hmm.

"Smile for no reason"...



Mm-hmm.

And "a week of no talking back."

There are some blackout dates
on that one,

so you just have to
check the back. I love you!

Okay, I'll take the free hug.

It's my turn.
This is from me and Boyd.

- Ah.
- Uh, it was wrapped, but I left him alone for eight

seconds and, disturbingly,
cannot find the ribbon.

(Chuckles) Ahh.

We'll find it later, right?

Yeah, sure will.
Okay, this is for you.

Look at this.
"Bacon of the month club."

(Girls) Yes.

17 years running.

Yeah, if you make it to 20,
you get a free angiogram.

What about 25?

Nobody makes it to 25.

Captioned by
closed captioning services, inc.

Okay, honey.

I know last year's gift
was a swing and a miss.

Yeah, improv classes.

I was hoping
you'd find your inner clown.

Well, I found him,
and he was very, very sad.

A history of our neighborhood?
Wow. (Chuckles) Wow.

(Chuckles)

This is actually a great gift.

I'm gonna ignore that
you said the word "actually."

Where'd you get something like this?

Well, I know how fascinated you are

with things that I am not
fascinated by at all,

so I found this company

that does customized histories
of neighborhoods.

Did you read it?
No. "Did I read it?"

(Kiss)

History's your thing.

Hearing you talk about it
while I'm doing something else--

that's--that's my thing.

This road out here
used to be a logging road.

Just like that.

Well, I got to get to school.

New math teacher's busting my hump.

Where's Boyd?

Oh. He's on his little potty,
making ribbon.

Guys, listen to this.

In 1963, the woman that lived here...

Passed away upstairs in this house.

Wait. What?
Upstairs in our house?

I sleep up there almost every
night. I mean, every night.

- I think it's cool that our house
has an actual story behind it.
- Uh-huh.

Yeah, but it's a story about death.

Death...

Or murder? (Cackles)

Eve, honey, don't scare your sisters.

Why not?

She's got a point.

No, but, you guys, you have to
admit that it is freaky

that somebody actually
died in our house.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Somebodies.

Looks like the woman who lived
here after the first woman

also died in this house.

So it's a trend?

Oh, my God. I feel like
I'm in a horror movie,

and we're gonna start
getting picked off one by one,

and, mom,
the pretty girl never makes it!

What room did the second lady die in?

Well, I'm guessing
it's your father's den.

That would explain some
of the mysterious... smells.

What if Boyd has the soul
of one of the dead ladies?

Why would you say that?
Eve, go to school!

(Thud) What was that?

(Kristin and Mandy) What was what?

Ah, good times.

Girls, first of all, we don't
know if any of this is true.

That book cost
a lot less than you think.

Secondly, there's no such thing
as ghosts or spirits.

Right, Mike?

Well, you know, I've traveled a lot,

and every culture has some sort
of belief in the spirit world.

So, dad, you believe in ghosts?

I believe there's
a lot of things on earth

that are unexplained.

Okay, it's official. I am
more freaked out than Mandy.

Oh, well, don't be.

We're talking about
superstitions, which began

because people needed to explain
things they didn't understand,

but now we have science.

(Gasps) Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

I am almost too scared
to text anyone about this.

That's a perfect example.

The glass moved because of
condensation underneath it.

It's hydrodynamic lubrication.

Viscous effects
generate shear stresses,

and the surfaces lift apart.

It's your basic Stribeck's curve.

Stribeck--interesting man--
is a professor.

He also was a-a ghost hunter,
and he ate small children.

Hey, Kyle, what are you having?

I'm on a budget.
P.B. And j.

It's only 11 cents a sandwich
if I use the grape jelly

where grapes aren't
an actual ingredient.

Come on, get yourself
a sandwich. My treat. Go ahead.

No, I'm okay. Thank you.

I insist. I insist.
Try the chicken parm.

Come on, you're a--
you're a young buck.

You can handle her. Go ahead.
Molly, here. Uh-oh.

Only have hundreds.
Rich man's curse.

Can you spot me?
I'll get you back tomorrow.

Yeah, okay.

(Mike) Hey, Pete, bring it up here!

Can you get this one, too?
All right?

Hey, birthday boy!
Here, a Sammy on me!

This is 25, 50, 51...

Sorry, that's a token.
That's 65...

Boy, Vanessa got me
a great birthday gift this year.

Yep, hopefully something you'll
be able to pass on to me again.

Those--those improv classes
were dynamite. (Laughs)

Come on. Shout out a location
and weather condition. Go ahead.

No, thanks. Remember,
I saw your "showcase."

All right.
Okay, what is this?

It's a history of my neighborhood.

History of the old neighborhood,
huh? All right.

Let's see what this is about.
"Silver rush... grubstakes..."

Mikey, I don't mean
to alarm you, but--

(mouth full) I know, I know.
Eh?

Two women died in the house.

Were they in each others' arms?

Mm?

Anyway, the girls are
real freaked out about it.

Hey, this ghost thing is not
gonna go away for your girls.

You know, once this junk
gets stuck in your head,

it's there forever.
And what about Vanessa?

That woman's not afraid of anything.

She had three breach babies
without drugs.

Oh, but this is different.
This is the unknown.

This is the paranormal.
This is the macabre.

You didn't see those
three babies when they came out.

(Switch clicks)

(Chuckles) So? Are you
having a good birthday?

It's not over yet.

Yeah?

You think, uh, you think
the ghosts are watching us?

Probably, so you'd better
bring your "a" game.

Mm.

(Kisses)

(Knock on door)

We're sleeping.

(Door opens)

Yeah. Hi. Sorry.
We can't sleep.

Well, try harder.

Stop. What's the matter, sweetie?

Okay, so I had
this nightmare about ghosts,

so I got up,
and I went to check on him,

and he was standing
bolt upright in his crib,

and he said, "mama," in this
really scary old lady voice.

Oh, well, come on, come on.
Come into bed with us.

Move over.

You move over.
It's my birthday.

Just move over.
Move over.

Come on.
Ooh, sweetie pie. Ooh, yay.

Ooh, let's get in the bed
with grandma.

(Pounding on door)

For the love of God.
(Switch clicks)

We heard footsteps in the hall.

Oh, yeah, that was just me
coming in here.

Good call. Move over.

Come on, girls.
You're practically adults.

Is Eve the only one
that can stay in her own room?

(Pants) There is
a poltergeist in my toilet.

What?

And strange noises and cold air.

All right. Hop in.
(Door closes)

Yay!

I know I was mocking everyone before,

but somehow, alone in the dark,
it's not that funny.

Oh, sweetie,
there's nothing to be scared of.

Besides, this is fun, right, Mike?

Yep.

Hey.

When I bought a 5-bedroom home,

this is...
Kind of what I had in mind.

You know,
I'm hanging on here by a cheek.

(Switch clicks)

Mr. Alzate?
Hmm?

Sully was duck hunting,

and his dog stepped on his gun

and accidentally
shot him in the butt.

There are no accidents, Kyle.

Anyway, I'm collecting $10 a person,

and we're gonna buy him
a doughnut to sit on

and a hunting trophy for his dog.

All right.

I'll give $100.

That's very generous, sir.

Oh. I only have plastic.

Do you take one of
these elite credit cards here?

It's kind of cash only.

- The can doesn't have a little swipy thing on it.
- I see.

(Telephone rings)

Uh, throw a c-note
in for me, will you?

I'll get you back tomorrow.

Yes, sir.
(Ring)

Thank you.

Mr. B?

Oh, boy, is that for Sully?
Yeah.

Man...

That dog's the best shot
in his family.

Um...

Ed never has cash on him,
and he's always taking mine.

I don't understand.
Isn't he rich?

Yeah...

It's a curious thing
about rich people--

more money they have,
the less they carry.

Kyle, he's a stand-up guy.
Just--just ask him.

He'll give it to you.

I can't.

I come from a long line of doormats.

I'm afraid to make him angry.

I can't afford to lose this job.

Then again...

I can't afford to keep it, either.

I'm in a real pickle here, sir.

Dad, uh, this is Brenda.

Hi.
She's a medium.

Dad, she thinks
she can get rid of our ghosts.

Yeah, not get rid of

as much as understand
why they're still here

and encourage them to leave.

Well, good, so--so we got
the platinum package.

Dad?

What--what are you doing?

You're the one
who believes in this stuff.

The girls think
she can cleanse the house.

And personally, I'm a big fan
of the placebo effect.

Ooh, I'm getting a real hit
on something right here.

An "a"--does anyone have
a person in their life

whose name begins with an "a"?
You right there, miss?

Aunt Jean! Oh, my God!
You're amazing.

Everybody's aunt begins with an "a."

Now I'm getting a "b."
(Gasps)

Dad, Beatrice!
That's the name

of one of the two women
who died in our house.

Ooh!

Let me try this alphabetical thing--

let me do this one.

(Exhales) Oh, here it comes.
Oh, watch out. I... (Moans)

"C"! Cousin Claire.
This is freaky!

I'm getting something else.
(Mike groans)

Two women died in this house.

Kristin just said that.

She didn't say they died.

Yes, she did.
She didn't.

Yes, she did.

One of them...

Was...

Beatrice.

(Mouths words)

Again, not new information.

And the second one is Alice.

Okay. Nobody told her that.

Mm-hmm.

They died here... alone.

Wait--what--what do you mean?

I mean there was no one
here to comfort them.

Oh, gosh, I...

I hope that's not true.

(Lowered voice) Are Alice
and Beatrice still here?

(Lowered voice) They are.

Alice!

Beatrice!

(Claps hands)

Your souls are free.
You can go.

Cute gloves!

Are--are you sure they didn't die

- with--with family around them?
- No.

Or...
No family.

Distant relative...
Nope.

- Or second cousin twice removed?
- No.

- Anybody? Nobody was with them at all? Nothing?
- Nobody. Nope, alone.

Wow, that's...
That's horrible.

But we both decided
we don't believe in this.

Yeah. Of course not.
(Chuckles)

But if we did, did they
at least die peacefully?

No.

Hey, honey?
Hmm?

(Switch clicks)
That Brenda was quite a crackpot.

But she put the girls' minds at ease.

Maybe they'll leave us alone tonight.

Yeah, but don't you think
it's kind of weird

that she knew Alice's name?

Well, maybe she read the same book.

Apparently, it was almost free.

You know--you know what area has
some really beautiful houses?

Cherry creek.

Yeah, cherry creek
has really nice houses.

Yeah, so--so are you thinking
what--what I'm thinking?

That our marriage has devolved
into mindless banter?

Well, no,

that we--we just go ahead and do it.

I mean, we're--we're always
talking about moving.

We never talk about moving.

I think you're freaked out
about Beatrice and Alice.

No. No.

I'm not.

Yeah, I am. A little.

Honey, you're a scientist.

I know what I am!

But, Mike, Mike, listen...

Two women died alone in this house.

I mean, you know what they say--

that--that things happen in threes.

Look, you're not
gonna die alone, babe.

We have kids.
That's the point.

You know? They're gonna be here
for your last breath,

and then get into a fistfight
over your jewelry.

They'll move away,

and you will be long dead...

Wait a minute.
Wait a second. Wait a minute.

I'm gonna die first, huh?

It's weird how that comforts me.

I'm sorry, honey, I just--it's...

You know how dying alone

- is--is my deepest, deepest fear.
- I know. I know. I know. I know. I know.

And I am just--
I am afraid it is destined

to happen to me in this house.

I understand.

Those are your feelings, and you
have every right to them.

Okay. Thanks, sweetie.

I love you.
I love you, too.

Oh, boy.

Mm.

Mike...

It's not your birthday anymore.

Hey. What are you guys watching?

"Paranormal activity ii."

Seriously?
After all that ghost stuff?

Oh, no, we're done
with all our ghost stuff.

These people, however, are screwed.

(Crunching)

(Remote control clicks)

Mom?
Hmm?

Why are you staring at us?

You guys are gonna live here
a long time, right?

I will, 'cause when those two leave,

I'm gonna knock down
their bedroom walls,

turn it into a suite,
little gym, little juice bar,

I'm not gonna go crazy.

Hey, guys!
Everybody gather!

Oh, you are. All right.

Listen, I gotta show you something.

Hey, dad, what are you doing?
We're watching that.

Oh! The demon takes the baby.

I just saved you
80 minutes of horror. Come on.

I want you to see this.
Listen.

No question, this week
has been exhausting.

We're doing okay.

I'm talking about for me.

Ghosts, mediums...

50 people in my bed.

Now we're gonna learn a little
history about our house.

We already know the history.

No, this is the correct history.

Honey, who are those people?

- That is Beatrice Johnson, surrounded by her family.
- Oh.

She was 84 years old.

This picture was taken
two weeks before she died.

Ah. She looks happy.

Yeah. 'Cause she was happy.
You know how I know?

I spent hours on the Internet,
I located her great-grandson,

who's right here.

(Laughter)

Yeah...
Who lives in Boulder,

and now looks like this.

Oh, wow.
What--

yeah.

Anyway, he informed me

that she in fact died
in this house very peacefully

surrounded by family and friends.

(Kristin) No. That's not
what Brenda said.

Well, Brenda's an idiot, all right?

This is Alice Tippett,

surrounded by her husband,
children, and grandchildren.

She, too, died peacefully,

aged 76, in this house,
surrounded by loved ones.

So if things
do come in threes, honey,

you will be the third
in a line of women

that have raised a happy family
here...

In this house.
(Click)

♪

(Remote control clicks)

(Whispers) Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you
for going to all the trouble.

I'd like to say it was no trouble,

but it was a huge pain.

Oh. (Laughs)

Now I gotta go back to work.

Why--why?

'Cause I got nothing done today

'cause I was doing this stupid stuff.

Just remember--two deaths
and a kidnapping in a house

don't make any difference.

Kidnapping?
What kidnapping?

I'll get back to that!

(Door closes)

Kidnapping?!

(Ed) So you have it?
That's good. All right.

That's better. Mm-hmm.

Wait.

What happened to you, son?

I went on an errand,
and I had to walk

the last 4 miles back to work.

Why did you do that?
It's very blustery out there!

Because I ran out of gas.

You ran out of gas?

What's the matter with you?

I mean, driving around on less
than half a tank of gas,

and in the winter, is irresponsible.

I'm not irresponsible.
I'm broke!

You took all my money!

You said,
"I'll get you back tomorrow,"

and you never did!
You owe me $516!

I'm kind of hovering over my body,

watching this happen right now.

Hey, Kyle, I apologize.

I apologize. Your generosity
has not gone unnoticed.

Also, Mike mentioned something to me.

So I'm--I'm prepared
to pay you back your money.

Just follow me. Come on.
Come on.

Thank goodness. My rent
was due three days ago.

Right here.

(Sighs)

Look at this.

Hmm?

What's this?

This is a fine, handmade
trail riding saddle.

That's what this is.
Worth a lot more than I owe you.

It's...

It's--it's just my way
of saying "I'm sorry."

But I don't own a horse.

Cash is fine.

(Laughs) Cash?

Cash you'll just spend
on something silly.

Or food.

No, no. A saddle you'll have forever.

Happy trails.