Las Vegas (2003–2008): Season 3, Episode 19 - Cash Springs Eternal - full transcript

Yeah. Yeah, that smell is gone.

What the hell was it?
Chemical residue...

from two noxious substances
slowly seeping through that vent.

Could've closed you down for days.
Thanks for getting here so quickly.

I live for this stuff.
Yeah.

But your real problem
is that defective compressor.
I don't see how that's possible.

This place is, what, a year old?
That's it.
Shoddy construction.

Shoddy construction?
I supervised construction.

I'm telling you, we used
first-class material everywhere.

Somebody went over your head,
and they were big on cutting corners.

Monica.



A lot of people think they know how
to improve their relationships.

But love is a skill-
a skill you have to practice.

Now, who can tell me the first step
in having a loving relationship?

This radiant woman right here.

Um, if you want to make yourself
ready for love,

you need to treat yourself as wonderfully
as you want to be treated.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

Danny McCoy and Mike Cannon.

Hello.
I heard you two...

were pretty hot at karaoke night,
but you're even hotter than they said.

They always do underestimate us.
They barely know a good thing
when they see it.

Well, I have a proposition
for both of you.

- Yeah?
- I am listening.

Have you ever heard of
the Sexiest Bachelors of Vegas calendar?



- No. Why?
- I'd like both of you to pose for it.

- Pose for a calendar?
- It's for the Vegas Animal Rescue,

a charity that saves dogs and cats
from being put to sleep
and finds them new homes.

Uh, I'm gonna have to
think about that.

- Why don't we get back to you?
- Danny, I want you...

to be Mr. July.

Mike?

Yes?
Mr. December.

- Oh, you see December.
- Call me.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Bye, guys.
Bye-bye.

Yeah.

Why do you get to be Mr. December?

Because I warm the hearts
of ladies on a cold winter night.

Danny! Mike!
What's up?

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey!

Mr. Peters, you having a good day?
I'll say.

Oh, I was.
I won big at Caesars. Oh!

I got a beautiful lap dance
from a girl at Spearmint Rhino.
Oh.

- It sounds like a great day to me.
- Came home, and uh-oh,

somebody swiped 20 grand
from my suite.

Now, Danny, you told me
that the Montecito suites...

were the saf-safest housing
on the Strip.

- They are.
- Call me crazy, but maybe...

you left it at Caesars,
or possibly at the strip joint?

Or bathing in vodka?

Yeah, a vodka bath.
I like how you think.

No, Danny.
And I may get a little wasted-

you know, out of my mind-
from time to time on a regular basis,

and I may cavort with the harlots,
but I do not lose money, Danny, ever.

Ever, okay?

Is the casino spinning?
Once you sober up,

I'm sure that you'll remember
where you put the cash, Mr. Peters.

You take that for me, okay?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay. All right.
Here we go.
Oh, bedtime.

Bedtime.
You guys are tall.

Hello. Hi, I'm Mary Connell.

You wanted to see me?

No, I was waiting,
and I hate waiting.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr.-
Jeremiah Christopher.

Mr. Christopher.
No title,
just Jeremiah Christopher.

Of course. You're here to photograph
the residential suites
for Show Home Magazine.

Duh.
I'm sorry.

I wasn't expecting you till next week.
Well, I am here now.

Am I expected to leave
and to come back?
No.

Already bored.
Who can take my bags?

Henry. Henry!

Henry, could you please
help Jeremiah Christopher
take his bags to Suite 1926?

Sure.

My, my, Henry.
You're quite a strapping fellow,
aren't you?

I think your-your readers
will be very impressed...

by how sophisticated and spacious
our residential suites are.

I'll be the judge of that.
And I'll need a full massage
before I can even contemplate.

Henry's fingers look magical.

Hey.
Hey.

So Alex Avery just got out of the joint.
Alex Avery.

Man, he was the man.
A legend.

This guy would rob you while
he had his hand on your shoulder,

telling you that
he was your best friend.

He was a gentleman though.
Yeah, well, Mr. Peters claims...

he just had 20,000 bucks
taken from his place.

Drunk?
Polluted.

He'll find it when he sobers up,
I'm sure.
Yeah.

Mr. Lamar is here to see you.
Yeah, send him in, please.

- Ed, is this a bad time?
- No, no, no. Andy, come on in.
This is Danny McCoy.

Andy Lamar.
The Red Adair
of casino maintenance.

Nice work on that Bellagio blackout.
How'd you figure out
what happened there?

It was easy. Massive backflow of wattage
shorted out the main power lines
and all the redundant systems,

affecting everything from
air-conditioning to fire sprinklers.

- Gosh. I never would have guessed that.
- Well, it was a mess,

but not half as bad
as what you're gonna have.

I mean, Monica's choice
of materials and systems-

I'd call this the Chernobyl
of construction design,
but I'd be insulting the Russians.

Okay. Uh, what now?

Air filtration system needs
a complete overhaul.

And all the electrical sources
connected to it.

- You know what? I have, uh-
- Danny-

- I gotta go to the surveillance room.
- So?

Gotta be done ASAP, Ed,
or you're gonna have smoke
pouring into the casino.

I cannot remember when a dead woman
caused me this many problems.

I can't believe you haven't had
major problems already.

- Okay. Look, fix it.
- What's my motto?

"I live for this."
Listen, Andy, just don't cut corners.

I don't wanna go
through this again, okay?

- You smell that?
- Smell what?

Recirculated air stream
begging to be rerouted.

Okay, take out your love inventories.
Fill these out tonight,

and tomorrow we will go over all the areas
that need mending the most.

Clap for yourselves, because you are on
the front lines of the Love Movement!

Till we meet again.

Dr. Paul,
would you sign my book?

Dr. Paul, hi.
I'm Jillian Deline.
Ed's daughter?

No, Ed's my husband.
Oh. He's a lucky man.

Are you available for lunch?

Talk about old school.

Yeah. They don't make thieves
like that anymore.

Danny, phone.
She sounds really sexy.

Huh.

Danny McCoy.

Hey, Sheryl. Yeah-

It's about the calendar.
Tell her no.

You know what?
We've been thinking
quite a bit about this,

and I don't think that it's-it's-

- Of course we love animals.
- Just say no.

Me? Yes, we know how much pets
soothe the elderly, but-

Danny-
You wanna talk to Mike? Here.

No.
You say no, tough guy.
Go ahead.

Hello, Sheryl.
Oh, no, I love animals.

Yeah, It's a great charity.
Aw, that's so sweet.

What are you-
Ah!

No, no.

Yeah. Okay.

- Okay, what?
- We'll see you then.

What happened to "no"?
They give puppies to kids with cancer,

and cats to seniors in wheelchairs.

So when we gotta do this?
Tomorrow morning.

Well, one good thing is
Jake Mayer did it last year.

The chicks-
hitting on him like crazy.

Really?
Yeah. So that's-

Not that I have trouble with the ladies.
After that born-again virgin thing,
I thought you could use a little help.

Ooh. Should I run through
your list of failures?

Guess I'm just worried that Delinda's
gonna be single for the rest of her life.

I want to be a grandmother.
I understand your desire
for your daughter to be happy.

And to settle down.
I mean, she dates and she dates
and she dates.

A lot of girls take cues from
their mother when it comes to men.
What does that mean?

It means that maybe the reason
Delinda hasn't settled down is because
she's seen how marriage has affected you.

I have a great marriage.

Do you?
Yes. I mean-

Well, Ed's gone a lot.
I see.

It's a lot better now than it was
when he was with the-
his previous employer.

I mean, I hardly ever saw him then.
Really?

You know, but we're-
we're from a different generation.

Pardon me, Jillian,
but that's a B.S. excuse.

Do you communicate effectively?
Yes. I mean, I do.

And Ed?

Ed's... old-fashioned.

And doesn't that sometimes make you
feel like you're the only one
participating in this marriage?

Sometimes.

Mmm.

Maybe Delinda isn't the one
who needs my help.

Who listens to that
self-help guru crap?

The thousands
attending his seminars.

Hey. Hey,
have you guys seen Danny?

No. It's not my turn to watch him.

She gets weirder every day.

Christina, have you seen Danny?
By slots 27.

Danny.
Hey.

Excuse me.
Thank you, sir. What's up?

Danny, we have a major problem.
Celeste Griffin.

Who?
She's the sweetest little old lady.

You'd just love her.
She just moved into
the residential suites.

Jeremiah Christopher
from Show Home Magazine-
he's using her suite for the shoot.

Actually, they're doing a whole spread.
They're using at least five of the suites-

I'm not following.
What's going on?
Her suite was robbed.

What?
Somebody's robbing
the residential suites.

Danny, you have no idea
what I went through to get
Show Home Magazine to shoot here.

The Montecito residential suites
are unparalleled...

in terms of beauty and sophistication,
and, now, apparently burglary.

Don't worry.
This is a disaster.
The residential prices could drop by half.

Not to mention the fact that I
am gonna look like an idiot.

What was taken?
A pearl necklace,
antique ruby ring, emerald bracelet.

How much they worth?
Insured for half a million.

You sure this sweet, little old lady isn't
trying to cash in on her insurance policy?
Danny.

It's happened before.
What about Mr. Peters?
He was robbed too.

Our resident drunk?
Last week he said he lost his car.

Actually, I hid it from him
so he couldn't drive it.
Good thinking.

Thanks. I have to go help
Jeremiah Christopher with his things.

Please fix this, Danny.
All right.
I'll talk to the cleaning staff.

Uh, Janis?
Yes?

I'm Danny McCoy.
I work surveillance and security
here at the Montecito.

- Uh-huh.
- Did you know that two of
the residential suites were robbed?

That's what I hear.
So, you working a double shift?

Yep. I need the money.
You try supporting a family
on a maid's salary.

- Where were you this morning?
- Cleaning. Same as every morning.

Any idea who might have taken
the money and the jewelry?

- No.
- Do you remember what time
you went into Mr. Peters's suite?

Somewhere between 9:45 and 10:00 a.m.
Why?

- And when did you leave?
- Mr. McCoy, I would never steal.

You can give me
a lie detector test if you want.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to get back to work.

Okay.

As I stated when I arrived,
I require an assorted cheese plate...

and kalamata olives
in every suite I shoot.

I'm aware of that, yes.

Also, ice-cold water.

Otherwise, my shutter finger
gets too warm, and I can't breathe.

Okay.

Please do handle with care.
Sorry.

And what is this I hear
about residential robberies?

How was the truffle custard
I sent?
Vile.

But I had it specially prepared
and messengered from New York.

I don't want truffle custard
from New York.

That's like giving me sushi from Iowa.

Is there anything else you need?
Someone to hold my lights.

Make it Henry, the bellboy.

He's spunky.

So, Dr. Paul,
you seem to be somewhat
of a rock star to my clients.

They love you.
People want to be a part
of the Love Movement.

Right.
Dr. Paul,
would you sign my book?

Oh, certainly.
Traci.

Traci, are you coming
to one of my seminars?
Three of them.

- I'm looking for Mr. Right.
- Oh, yeah.

Good luck.
That's great.

Impressive.
Thanks.

Nice gimmick to get girls.
I like it- the guru angle.

I'm just a humble teacher trying to help
people find the love that's within them.

Right.
It's also a pretty good payday.
Mmm.

Such bitterness.
How long ago did he hurt you?

Obvious to you too, huh?

I mean, come on. Please.
Men don't hurt me. I hurt them.

My seminar, "What If Your First
Love Was Your Worst Love,"

starts in about an hour.

I think you should pop by.
Oh, okay.

Idiot.
Had you pegged.

He's not even a real doctor.

I pulled up all the footage
of the maid's shift.

What's wrong with that picture?
I've been having
phasing problems all day.

Here we go.
Okay, this is Janis entering...

Mr. Peters's suite at 9:53.

- When does she leave?
- Mr. Peters comes in at 10:03,

where Janis leaves at 10:15.

Anything else?
Yeah.

Room service delivers at 11:11
before Peters leaves at 11:30.

Janis could've stolen the cash
while she was there.

Nah. Peters said when he left at 11:30,
the money was still there.

He reported it to us
at about 2:00 p.m.

Check Celeste Griffin's room.

Hey, honey, I'm home.
Hey, I bought some steaks.

I can't eat steak.
What?

- I can't eat steak.
- You, uh, doing that thing again?

You're off red meat?
Typical. All you think about is food.

Okay then. I got it.
How's this for an idea?
How about this?

I go outside, then I come back in,
and then you act normal?

This is exactly what he talks about
in chapter three.

Who, chapter three?
What, is there a book club here?

No. Dr. Paul. In his book.

- This is what he talks about in Love Rules.
- Okay.

- He has offered us a free counseling session.
- Why?

Because we need help.
I just finished our love inventory,

and we only got one out of five hearts
in our communication zone.

Communication zone?
Yes. This is the critical area.

This is what kills most couples.

And-And, you know, he could help us
get to at least a three.

Now, I'd like a four,
but-but three's not bad.

Three?
Yes.

- How much of that red wine you have tonight?
- Ed, this is serious.

Our marriage is on the brink
of collapse.

- Since this morning?
- We've been slowly unraveling for years.

- And Dr. Paul can get us get back on track.
- That guy's a moron.

The guy has helped saved
thousands of relationships.

- Isn't our marriage important to you?
- Of course.

Then come to counseling.

Listen, if you need counseling,
the relationship is over.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

- You want a divorce.
- What?

I can't believe I didn't see this coming.
Everybody tells me that you're cold.

But, no, I defend you.
Who says I'm cold?
I'm not cold!

And he's offering us one
free counseling session.

Okay. If I do this once,
then-then you'll calm down?

Yes, I think so.

Okay. Fine then. One time.

Good. He'll be here
first thing in the morning.

He's coming here?
Yes.

Isn't it wonderful?
He makes house calls.

Yea.
Baked potatoes with the steak?

Yeah.
Okay.

I'm gonna kill this freakin' guy.

Okay, Celeste Griffin returns
to her suite at 12:27.

Room service is delivered at 12:40.
Same guy as before.

- Does he stay?
- Nah. Rolls the food inside,

exits about 30 seconds later.

Hmm.
Think she would've noticed
if the jewelry was missing?

There's no way to know for sure.
But she reported it at, what, 6:26 p.m.?
Mm-hmm.

We do know it wasn't the maid
or the room service guy.

And no one else went in or out?

This is a brave step you've both taken,
and I applaud you.

I'm clapping on the inside.

Ed, I want you to listen
to Jillian with your heart.

My heart hasn't got ears.

- Ed.
- I'm listening, honey.

I want you to put your hand
on your heart...

and respond from
that loving place within you.

I am so happy that you guys
decided to do this calendar.

And so is Scruffy.
Uh-huh.

Hey, Scruffy.
How are you?

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.
He's one of hundreds like him
that you're helping to save.

I'm glad we can help.
Isn't that right?

Isn't that right?
Isn't that right?

And sometimes I feel like your job
comes before me, like the C.I.A. did.
Jillian-

Everybody knows
you were in the C.I.A., Ed.

It's just sometimes I feel...

like the Montecito is more important
to you than I am.

How does your heart feel
about what Jillian just said?

Sad.

And why does your heart feel sad?

I just always wanted
to give Jillian...

and Delinda
all the things I never had.

- Honey, you've given us everything.
- It's just, um, you know-

I just sometimes don't feel like
I'm good enough. That's all.

Mmm.

- Why?
- My mother.

You know, she, uh,

just constantly told me, uh,
you'd always be a failure.

That awful woman.

Honey, why haven't you
ever told me this?

So you were afraid
to be vulnerable?

I guess deep down, I-

I was just- always been afraid.

You know what I think
would be so fun?
What's that?

Come with me.

I think it would be a hoot-

if you would wear these shorts.

- Why would you think that?
- Well, you know, you are Mr. July.

An Independence Day theme.

- Uh, kinda small.
- You'll be hot, like a firecracker.

Yeah.
And, Mike,
why don't you wear these?

Uh, I'm kinda okay
with what I got on.

Oh, really?

I am so sorry, Scruffy.

These guys want you to die.

- No, no.
- We don't want that.

- I just don't want to wear the shorts.
- Yeah.

Well, if we don't make
and sell this calendar,

then Scruffy and many like him
will be killed.

Okay.

It's okay.

All right.
Where's the dressing room?

Why are we meeting Scotty here?
- Too many parole violations.

And he's the best fence in Vegas.

Wait a minute. Maybe we should
talk about this calendar thing.

If we ignore it,
maybe it'll go away.

Maybe it wasn't so bad.
Who you kiddin'?

We were in hot pants!
You heard what she said.

The guys who did it last year
got more tail than a toilet seat.

Yeah.

- Nah.
- No?

So you really think we're screwed?
Totally.

Hey, Scotty.
Hey, Danny.
Hey, Mike.

Hey.
Don't see much of your types
on my side of the track.

How's your sister?
Still talks about you, Danny.

Yeah?
Yeah.

- You should give her a call sometime.
- She's married with five kids.

I don't think her husband would mind.

- What are y'all doing in the hood?
- Anybody trying to unload some jewelry?

- Maybe somebody from the Montecito?
- Wait. What are we talking about?

A pearl necklace, an antique ruby ring,
an emerald bracelet.

- It's all insured for about a half a million.
- Oh, no, no, no. I woulda heard about that.

Gotta nice watch though. Yeah.

Retails for 3,700.

I'll give it to you guys for six bills.
Try it on.

Nice. Not bad.
Not bad.

Uh- Fits like a glove.
Yeah!

- But I can't buy hot property.
- Oh, no, no. This is not hot.

- Yeah, right.
- The guy that sold it to me
lost both hands in a meat grinder.

Didn't want the reminder.

Uh, thanks.

Thanks, but I'll pass.
Yeah?

Thanks.
Let us know if you hear anything.

- Thank you so much.
- My pleasure.

No, really. Thanks. Bye. Good.

I am so proud of you
for opening up like that.

Uh-huh.
I mean, we really connected.

Yep.
What's wrong?

Nothing.
Honey, it meant so much-

Listen, I gotta-
You don't have to
be embarrassed.

I'm not.
You made such a breakthrough.

Let's just drop it.
I mean, a lot of men cry.

That's it. It's enough.
I was lying.
About what?

About everything.
Pretty much everything.
Why would you lie?

Because I wanted it over.
I gotta get back to work.

Now?
Yeah, now. I'm getting robbed blind
at the residential suites.

I gotta go catch this guy.
No, I want to talk about this.

And we will, sweetheart.
I promise you we will, but later.
We will.

Edward!
Ed, I am not finished!

- Not by a long shot!
- I know that.

Cheers.

What's that you're
drinking there, chief?
Tequila.

Another tequila, please. Wow.

I'm gonna take a shot here,
if I'm not too crazy.

But she seems
a little young for you, no?
I'm on the cutting edge.

Right.
Will you excuse us, honey?

Fine.
No offense, young lady.

What brings you here, Ed?
I heard you got out.

I just came to congratulate you.
Really?

Yeah. Well, that and the fact
that there's a lot...

of robberies going on
in the residential suites
at the Montecito.

Yeah?
Well,

thought maybe you knew
something about that.

No.
Look, if you do,
I could help straighten things out.

I'm out of the business.
Really?

You learned a lot of stuff in there?
You build a bridge maybe?

Or what, did you do go online
and get a law degree from Harvard?

All right.
I do the occasional job.

I see.
Mostly Internet.

Internet.
Nameless, faceless.
Easy stuff.

But why would I hit
the Montecito?

You and I go back a long ways.
You've always been good to me.

Yes, I have, haven't I?
I'll tell you what I will do.

I'll help you find the guy
who's stealing from you.

- What's the catch?
- No catch.

I just like to see who's better
than I am.

There's nobody better than you, Alex.
I know. But I'd like to see.

And you wouldn't let me in
your new casino otherwise.

That's extremely true.
Well, then we've got a deal.

Okay. Got a deal.
Okay.

Uh, could I have a tequila, please?
Absolutely.

Oh, but listen. If I catch you
screwing around with me,

I'm gonna hack your arm off
with a butter knife.

Okay.
Okay.

Here you are, sir.
Well, then, uh, here's to okay.

Flashing.

Flashing.

Flashing.

Flashing.
Hello.

Mary, I need to see
more living spaces.
Oh.

But you've already
photographed five.

You know, it's not easy to get
permission from the tenants.

Oh, thank you, the teacher
of the Charlie Brown.

Wah, wah, wah.

No. I need suites with chandeliers,

uh, mid-century Italian vases,
19th century portraits.

Henry, I'm suffocating.

Please, my back, Henry.

Magic fingers, please.

Oh, Henry, Henry.

Maybe nobody's heard of the calendar.
You think?

I never heard of it.
Neither had you.
That's true.

Right?
Hey. Hey, guys.

Hey, Sam.
Sam, you heard of Sexiest
Bachelors of Vegas calendar?

Yeah, of course.
Everyone has.

Roberto, my colorist,
he has it up on the wall in his salon,

and all the boys make bets on who
they can get to bite the pillow first.

You're kidding?
No, he does pretty well for himself,
actually.

Last year, he nailed Mr. July,
Mr. December-

- So this is a- a gay calendar?
- Yeah, it's the gayest.

Why?
No reason.

- You guys posed for the calendar?
- Huh? No. You kidding?

- She got you with the puppies?
- They were so cute.
- Danny- Danny-

What is it with boys and dogs?

- When does that come out?
- We don't know what you're talking about.

Oh. You know what? I have to go.
I don't have time for this.

I have to go, uh, tell everybody.
Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam!

This is very, very, very bad.
This is worse than bad.

- Nice shot, Mom.
- Thanks, honey.

So do you believe him?
I don't know why you're surprised.

Daddy would never go for that.

It's just that he was
so convincing.

I mean, I thought we had this
major breakthrough.

Come on.
They taught him that in the C.I.A.

Yeah, well,
it's your fault anyway.
Mine?

I only went
to this Dr. Paul's seminar...

because I was afraid you were gonna
end up being an old maid.

An old maid?
You've been single forever.

My love life is just fine.
Really?

When's the last time
you were in love?

Well, I mean,
I was in lust with Danny.

And, you know,
he was in love with me, but-

That's not what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about a real...

old-fashioned relationship,

not a booty call.

You know what a booty call is?

Well, it certainly rolls
right off your tongue, doesn't it?

Well, Mom, have you ever heard
of a "friend with benefits"?

"Friends with benefits."

Oh, for heaven's sake. Delinda!

Well, it's not that bad.

Oh, no. Well, who's gonna buy the cow
if you're giving the milk away for free?

- Mom!
- You haven't had a serious
relationship since Derek Stephenson.

Yes. Derek was perfect, amazing-
And, honey, your dad and I
really liked him.

Peace Corps after college,
Global AI DS Fund during med school.

Now he's with Doctors Without Borders.
Blah, blah, blah.
Humanitarian of the Year.

He's still single.
And he'd like to see you.

Did you call him behind my back?
No. I e-mailed him.

We've been in touch for years.

Mom, it's over. He's called
an "ex-boyfriend" for a reason.

Are you sure?
Yes.

Let me handle my own love life.

God!

You're gonna deny me
grandchildren, aren't you?

You're killing me.

Hmm.

- Where's the other idiot?
- Why the name-calling?

Because it's appropriate.
I heard you...

and idiot number two
are posing for some gay calendar.

No. Wait.
It's not a gay calendar.
Really?

Well, the word downstairs is
that two of my boys
are switching sides.

What? Ed, if you saw Sheryl and those
puppies with those big ole eyes-

"Puppies"?
What is that, downtown for, uh-
Dogs.

What dogs?
Puppies. It's a dog calendar.

Oh.
Yeah, with a cute little beagle
named Scruffy.

I like beagles.
Yeah.

But you're still morons.
It's for a charity.

While you clowns
were off taking pictures,
I got Andy destroying this joint,

I got that nut job photographer
runnin' all over, and Jillian
is making me go to some shrink.

You went to a shrink?
Stay out of my business, okay?

Just get back to work
and find that thief.
Okay, Alice?

How is this my life?
Hey, Ed.

Hey, listen,
I have this order form.
Antwone from the spa wants 30,

cast of Hairspray
and C?line's backup want a case.

- What are you talking about?
- Your calendar.

That's enough.
These things are selling better
than Girl Scout cookies.

- Mike Cannon.
- Did you get any freebies?

I need every single calendar-
Leave. I have work to do.

The three of us are gonna be rich
from this gay porn Web site.

Go. Out. Go.
Gotta take a few more
photo shoots.

Not funny.
We can talk about it after
you get off the phone.

Hey, you got a minute?
Oh, of course.

Hello.
You are a very beautiful woman.

Thank you.

Alex Avery.
Mary Connell.

Alex is gonna be
helping us out for a while.
Oh, neat.

You know, they're gonna interview me
for Show Home Magazine.

Yeah?
Yeah.

That's impressive.

Danny McCoy.
Hey, it's me.

We got another burglary
in a residential suite.

Six grand
and a Faberg? egg collection.

All right. Thanks.
They just robbed another suite.

Is the photographer
for your story here now?

Yes, he is.
Has he had complete access
to all of the suites?

- How long has he been here?
- He got here yesterday.
Yes, he has access.

He's a jerk. You don't think
he's a thief, do you?

- That's when the robberies started.
- Look closely at these pictures.

You see how the detail
is so evident in these photos?

So you think that these might
be blueprints for each place...

with the photographs of the furniture
and the precious objects.

Which means that
your photographer-

Is probably the one
that ripped everyone off.

- All right. Thanks.
- Hey, that's my magazine.

I'll buy you another magazine.
Oh, really?

Mm-hmm.

Dinner?
Lobster?

- Steak?
- Why not?

Dr. Paul's Love Movement
is a scary cult.

He makes more money than
Kabbalah and Scientology combined.

Cult. He's got
one of my whales convinced...

that if I throw a flower in front of
each one of the doors on his floor,

that love will come to him.

They are beautiful.

You're so easy.
You're so bitter.

My work has appeared
in Vogue and W.

Why would I stoop to steal
from some Vegas locals?

- It is beneath me.
- Where were you yesterday at 2:00 p.m.?

Having an unfulfilling lunch
with Mary at Opus.

The lettuce was limp, and the fish-
day-old cat food.

- And how about 6:30 p.m. yesterday?
- Again, Mary and I were having a snack...

at Wolfgang "Puke's"
corporate tapas.

- You sure do a lot of eating.
- The muse must be fed
in order to create beauty.

We have copies of your pictures.
Hmm.

Then they will exonerate me.

- You can expect to hear
from my editor and my lawyer.

Yeah. When?

- Okay. Great. All right. Thanks.
- What's up?

Another suite was just robbed.

Yet I was here.
Hmm.

I'm still getting interference
from these monitors.

- Let's try rebooting.
- Make sure you put on all the
backup cameras, otherwise we'll lose-

I'm not new here, Danny.
You don't have to get snippy.

- Girls, you're both pretty.
- You know, this is all your fault.

Why?
Once the public humiliation begins,
we'll both fry.

Public humiliation?
What are you guys talking about?

Nothing.

"Come on. It's for charity.
You want the puppies to die?"

Do you want the puppies to die?
You know I don't want-

We're back up.
There's still interference.

You know, let me do it.
Just let me do it.

Okay. Our fearless leader
comes to the rescue.

Hmm.

That's not one of our cameras.

Looks like the inside of a room.
We don't have cameras in the rooms.

It's not a regular room.
It's a residential suite.

From this angle,
you can pretty much see everything.

It looks like this feed
is sharing bandwidth with ours.

That's how the thief is I.D.'ing
the victims.

Hey, boys.
Hey.

What the hell is that?
Where the hell is that camera
coming from?

It's a bird's-eye view
of one of the residential suites.

I think it's from the A.C. vent.

Which is why we couldn't I.D. any of
the suspects in the hallway cameras.

- Hey, whose suite is that anyway?
- Terri Morrow.

Andy Lamar, the Red Adair
of casino maintenance.

Hey, this isn't how it looks.

No. It really looks like
you were robbin' the place.

- The problems were real, Ed.
- So is jail.

- Henry-Where's Henry?
- What's going on?

Jeremiah Christopher got food poisoning
and needs his stomach pumped.

- What'd he eat?
- Our shipment
of oysters didn't come in.

So, against my advisement,
he went to an all-you-can-eat
seafood buffet off the Strip.

Hey-hey!
Hey, guys.

Hi, Sheryl.
What's up?

Look at Scruffy.
Scruffy's brother?
Actually, his sister.

- Name's Lola. Aren't they adorable?
- Precious.

Precious.
We were just wondering when
the calendars come out.

In a couple weeks.
I'm so excited.

- Me too.
- About how many do you sell?

Well, I print about 500,
and I sell them for 10 bucks apiece.

That's 5,000.

We will give you $5,000
not to produce that calendar.

- I've already made them.
- Then we'll take every copy you got.

- Why would you do that?
- Because every minute...

you don't have to spend
selling calendars...

is another minute you can devote
to saving the cute little animals.

What do you think, guys?

I think they said yes.
Yeah.

Excuse me, Mr. Deline.
Your wife's here.

- Hey, honey.
How was your day?
- Splendid.

I played golf, my husband made
a complete mockery of our marriage.

- The usual.
- I did not mock our marriage.

I just don't understand
how we're supposed to improve
our relationship if you won't participate.

Honey, I have participated
every day for more than 30 years.

You want to punish me because I
wasn't listening with my heart.

Which, by the way,
is a physical impossibility.

Okay. That was a little silly.
We don't need this New Age garbage.

I mean,
I like us just the way we are.

You're right. I just- I don't know.
I got worried about nothing.

Right.
You know what I liked though?

I liked that you even showed up.

Even though you didn't take it
very seriously.

I know.
It's just not in my nature.

Really? I knew that.
Mmm.

I love you anyway.

What?
We did not christen this office yet.

Why, Mr. President.

All right.
We are off the hook.
Hey, to me.

To you?
For devising the master plan.

Cheers to us.
To our manhood.

Ah.

What are you guys celebrating?

We, uh, avoided a little
public humiliation.

- Mmm. A little.
- How's that?

We bought back all those calendars.

Wait. I thought you guys
didn't pose for that calendar.

Well, it doesn't matter,
because you'll never see it.

Gentlemen, Flavio,
right there at the end of the bar,
says the next round is on him.

Thanks, Big Flav.
Thanks, dude.

- Why?
- He loved your spread...

in the Sexiest Bachelors
in Vegas calendar.

You said that you bought back
all the calendars, right?

- Right.
- Except one.

- Right. This one.
- Yeah, that's the one.

If you sign it,
we'll sell it on eBay for you guys.

- Give it back.
- Yeah, that's ours.

Give it back.
Give it back to me.
No. It's mine.

Mary, it's mine.
I don't have it.
I don't have it.

I don't even have it. Look.
Let's see.

Now, my favorite's Mr. December.

- Ooh.
- It says here that he likes to
curl up in front of a nice fire and-

- That's not funny, Sam.
- read poetry.

- Not funny, Sam.
- A scorching Mr. July,

Danny McCoy,
enjoys fine wines and sunsets.

Oh, and intimate conversations.

He really loves to converse intimately.
Oh, yeah.

- Intimate conversation.
- He thinks these interviews
are very revealing.

Did I say that there was only
the one calendar that we had?

Well, I was wrong,
'cause... we have a whole box.

Oh!
Okay.

Well, that's fantastic.
What's the dog's name?

Ow.