Las Vegas (2003–2008): Season 3, Episode 17 - Lyle & Substance - full transcript

Anthony Sirott.
Closed his bank account...

four hours after we gave him
a 20,000-dollar line of credit.

In case you're wondering,
he took off down 14 grand.

Hey, Mr. Cannon?
Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm Lyle.
Lyle Nubbin.
Hey.

Yeah, they said you
were over in this area.

Something I can do for you?
Yeah. I know your cousin.

Yeah? Which one?
Handsome African-American
gentleman-Xavier.

I met him in, uh,
North Vernon, Indiana.
That's where we're both from.

Xavier. Yeah, he's-
"Pride in the past.
Faith in the future."

That's our town motto
in North Vernon.



Oh.
It's a funny name-Xavier.

Yeah.
Nice guy though.
Great guy.

Mm-hmm.
But anyhoo-

Enjoy your stay.
Tell "X" I said hi.
Oh, no. You see, I moved here.

And Xavier said you could
line me up a security job
here at the Montecito.

You know, I'd love
to help you out there, Lyle, but
we don't have any openings right now.

- Can I have one of those?
- Sure.

Do you think
you could autograph it?

In case anyone wonders
why the heck I got something
that's property of the Montecito.

Tells 'em the big man
okayed it.

Yeah.

Whoa! Hey, check out
that hottie over there.

Surveillance. Steve speaking.

Mace, back up camera 43
10 seconds, will you?



Mikey, we got a chip thief
at blackjack 22.

I'll meet you there.
Gotta go, Lyle.

Any jobs open up,
I'll let you know.
Oh, many thanks, Mr. Cannon.

Hey, say, how will you find me?

Uh, leave your phone number
with my office.

That was actually kind of
a trick question, Mr. Cannon.

- I'm staying at the Montecito.
- Great. Great.

I'm gonna take you to get
one of those big giant hot dogs.

Excuse me.

There. Light blue shirt.

Yeah. Pretty good, huh?
I'd like to do that again.

This belongs to you.
Hey, what's going on here?

- Theft.
- Specifically, you and that chip.

I didn't steal a chip.
Call me!

What are you doing?
Sit down and shut up
till the cops get here.

Wait a minute.
I have very important information.

Critical information.
About your hotel.

What about it?

If you agree this information
is of vital importance,
do I get a walk?

You don't have a whole lot
of leverage here, buddy.
Like zero.

Just offer up the information
and hope for the best, okay?

Okay. A guy told me
this other guy said he was gonna
blow up the Montecito.

Thursday.

So a guy tells you
another guy told him he's gonna
blow up the Montecito tomorrow?

Is tomorrow Thursday?
Yeah.

Yeah, tomorrow.
And he said the bomber guy
was, you know, kinda Arab-looking.

Who's the guy who told you?
Where is he?

This guy's just jerking us around.
Let's go.

No, I'm not! I swear.
The guy who told me-

Well, I don't really know his name,
because he's sort of an acquaintance.

But if you check the surveillance tape
from Monday at about 1:00 in the morning,

I'm sitting next to him-
blackjack table closest to the west exit.

What do you got to lose?
I mean, think about it.

In the grand scheme of things,
what's more important-

me taking one chip
or this entire hotel going boom?

- I'm locking you in here.
- Not a problem.

Delinda.

Yes, Gunther?

This. Have you seen it?

Didn't they do a great job?

Yeah, how could you not see it, huh?
With the magazine ads, the posters,
the TV commercials in the rooms.

Oh, yeah, you think
I don't know about this?

I mean, I shut my eyes, I see
the Wolfgang Puck at the Montecito,

even in my own restaurant,
like a swarm of heuschrecken.

You know, this guy- this guy
has not cooked a meal in 14 years.

Yeah. Yeah.
He's too gro? for his hosen.

Gunther, what do you want?
I'm busy.

Delinda, this Wolfgang Puck,
he gets all this publicity und acclaim,

und this Gunther's restaurant
gets nothing.

Helping any of the restaurants
helps all of them.

They're all part
of the Montecito family.

I do not speak to my family.

No, no. I should get this-
this publicity und acclaim also, ja?

Or... maybe... a personal apology...

from the beautiful Delinda...

in my penthouse condominium, huh?

Maybe you're right.
Huh?

Maybe we have been underserving
our existing restaurant.

Great input, Gunther.

Yeah, but this is not
the input I think of.

So when Jun Tek
drop hot pierogi in his lap,

I busting gut.
Yeah, I'll bet.

You know, he start jumping
up and down like a monkey.

Morning, Ms. Connell.

Travis, I told you. It's Mary.
And good morning to you also.

Almost forget.
Need to thank Mary.

Hiring Travis for new masseur.
Yeah, he's quite the hunk, huh?

Connie tells me that women
are already starting to request him.

That not just 'cause he hunk.

What do you mean?
You no hear?

He provide special treatment.

Oh. Like some kind of a new
massage therapy?

No. Get them on table.
You know, visit forbidden city.

Let the fingers do walking.

Shake hands with bald man in boat.
Whole nine yard.

He- He can't do that.

Do they want him to?

Girls I see no look like victim.
Look like win lotto.

Who told you this?
Maybe she's pulling your leg.

More than one tell.
Three or four happy people.

Who? I'll talk to them.
All gone.
Check out yesterday.

Well, if this is really happening,
I'll have to stop it.

I'll send someone in undercover...
so to speak.

Is that joke?
Yeah, it's just-

You know, he only give special
treatment to hot chicks.

That's what he tell them.

What hot chick you know
willing to open secret garden?

Sam. I thought you'd agree.

So, which one is Justin Frank?

Here on the left.

So the guy on the right,
that's the guy that supposedly overheard
this plot to blow up the Montecito?

Right.

Look at this guy. Sunglasses, hat.
We can't I.D. him.

Looks to me like some petty thief.
Turn him over to the cops.

Wait a second. Let's just say
there's a one-in-a-hundred chance
this Justin guy's telling the truth.

Or one-in-a-thousand. People
are blowing up buildings these days,

and all the intel that I've seen
lists Vegas as a potential target.

So I just wanna make sure that
we're doing our due diligence here.

I hate it
when the kid's right.

Yeah, doesn't-
I don't believe it.

Justin stole a chip
from this guy too.

He had to have known
we were gonna see it.

Why would he volunteer information
that would earn him another charge?

Maybe he really is trying to help.

- Funny he didn't feel like
helping us till we caught him.
- Well-

I know. We'll look into it.
We will.

Gunther.
Hi.

What are you doing?

Um, I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm sitting here
to- to, you know,

just make for judging
the ambience.

When the room's empty?

Well, empty is better judging.
So maybe you come back
a little later, huh?

No. Listen. I want to tell you
about my new promotional idea.

Hmm?

Is this the new waitress outfit
you wanted me to model?

It was the only thing in your office.

That's not our waitress outfit.

Well, he said that-
I can imagine what he said.

You can go and change.
Thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah, well, I-I-I was only trying
to have my own promotional idea.

Yeah, yeah. Nice try.
Okay, here's what I came up with.

A contest between you and Wolfgang
for Montecito restaurant supremacy.

A contest? How? How?
What contest?
A cook-off.

You each cook something,
and we'll have judges choose
which dishes are best.

Come on. I promise you I can
promote the hell out of this.

We both cook?

Oh, no, no, no.
This does not seem fair at all.

You mean, because you cook
every night, and Wolfgang
hasn't cooked in 14 years.

Isn't that what you said?
That is true.

Gunther,
it's great to see you.

Did Delinda tell you
about the cook-off?

Gunther can't wait.
Mmm.

I think it will be fun.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
More fun than an Affenfass.

He means a barrel of monkeys.

That much fun, huh?

Did you find the tape of me
and the guy at the blackjack table?

Uh, yes. And we also saw you
steal from him.

So, what do you think, huh?
We're gonna lump all these crimes
you did here together?

No, I knew you'd see me
steal his chips.

But ever since Mr. McCoy
grabbed me,

well, I've been doing
a lot of soul-searching.

I mean, ultimately,

I gotta be able to respect
that man over there.

And how could I do that
if I just stood by...

when I might be able to prevent
the loss of many innocent lives?

Nice. You know you're gonna
go to jail anyway, right?

I know. I know.

But the journey to redemption
starts with a single step.

And offering this information-
Well, let the journey begin.

Oh, so did you find the guy-
I mean, the acquaintance I heard
talking about the Montecito?

Unfortunately, he was wearing a hat
and sunglasses, so we couldn't I.D. him.

No, we have no idea who he is.

Do you think you might've
got a better look at him?

I mean, maybe this journey to redemption,
you know, jogs your memory.

Let me think. Yes!

Oh.
When he first sat down,

he wasn't wearing
the sunglasses.

And I remember him saying he had a job
passing out flyers on the Strip near Caesars.

Maybe he's out there right now.

I can help you find him...
before you take me to jail.

Hey, if I find out
that this is all a fairy tale-

You'll tear me a new one,
and I'll deserve it.

- Right.
- All right. Let's go.

So this is the jerk
who stole my chip, huh?

I am really sorry about that.

I was pretty baked that night.

So, uh, the money's
to cover what he took, huh?

Yeah, and to help us out.
Whoa, whoa. Listen.

I appreciate the cash and everything,
but I'm not gonna testify...

or go to the courthouse
and wear a tie and the shoes-

And any of that crap, you know?
I mean, me and the police,
we don't get along too good.

All I'm interested in
is the guy you overheard talking
about blowing up the Montecito.

Okay?
What about him?

What did he say?
Said he was gonna blow up
the Montecito.

Thursday.
I told you.

Do you know anything else
about the guy-his name, where
he lives, works, anything like that?

Wait, wait. Wait a second.
You come here, interrupt my work-

I mean, with the guy
who robbed me, no less-
and you expect me to help you?

You had a 25-dollar chip stolen.
I just gave you a hundred bucks.

The way I see it, I got 75 bucks
of goodwill coming my way.

- Or are you looking to help the terrorists?
- Whoa! Hey, take it easy!

No, I'm just saying, dude,
you get some information like this,
you decide to sit on it?

Listen, I dig my country.
And it just so happens
that I hate terrorists, okay?

Oh. Okay.
I hate them.

- For another 20, I'll tell you what I know.
- Attaboy.

Shut up.
Let the patriot talk.

So I was, uh, sitting
behind the guy two days ago...

at the Bronco Burger on Harmon,

and he's talking all this crap
about how he's gonna blow up
the Montecito...

and how they're never gonna
forget him and blah, blah, blah.

Okay.
When I left,
I got a good look.

He looked like all those
terrorist dudes you see on TV.

Dude, this is a friggin' sick car.

Come in.

Hi. I'm Travis.

Hi. I'm Sam.

Have you had a full body
massage before, Sam?

Yeah, I've had a, uh-
a lot of them.

So if there's anything new
you'd like to try to heighten
my experience, please-

I'll do my best.

Uh, any problem areas
I should know about?

Yeah, I'm experiencing
a little bit of tightness
in the inner thigh area.

I'm just kidding.

Okay. Why don't we, uh,
start with you on your stomach?

Oh, okay.

Oh, you're not gonna want
to look away for this one. Trust me.

No record?

One arrest for public intoxication.
No convictions.

I suppose handing out escort service cards
is kind of a gray area.

Well, it's easy enough
to check his story.

I think it's time for the feds.
Maybe you can call
one of your guys in Washington.

Wait a minute. I think I should head down
to this Bronco Burger first.

Most fast food joints
have surveillance cameras.

- I could check last Monday's tape.
- You said we were dropping the ball.
Now you don't want any help?

- Well, I just hate to call in the cavalry
when I'm on a bit of a roll.
- Right.

They may scare this guy Darryl off,
and he's not a real big fan
of law enforcement, so-

I get it. You're-
He's the cavalry.

What is that-
jealousy or envy?

- Oh. You tell me, John Wayne.
- All right, girls. Hey! Hey! Hey!

You go down
to the fast food joint.

- Wise decision. Excuse me.
- While I call Washington.

I should probably
just chill here, right, Ed?

No. I think you should find
something to do.

That was a good call.
Right.

Okay, Sam, you're finished.

Thank you.
That was amazing.

Unbelievable.

You finish with Travis?
Yeah.

He mow your lawn?
Uh, no, no.

He didn't do anything. I mean,
he gave me a really great massage,
but he didn't do anything inappropriate.

I think he knows that I work here.
No. Only know Mary
and the people from spa.

And I just heard two more
hot chicks talk.

First girl, two explosion.
None for you. Too bad.

It doesn't make any sense.
I mean, I was lying on the table, naked.

M-Me!

You want me touch you down there?

No. No, thanks.
Look on bright side.
No have to fire him.

Yeah.
Okay. I love you.

This has become
a much more important issue.

Agent Ramstack,
Las Vegas office.

Hey, Agent. How are you?
Appreciate you gettin'
over here so quickly.

And the Bureau
appreciates you calling us in.

You'd be surprised how many people
think they can handle these
situations themselves.

Oh, yeah.

Ed, do you have any idea
how many anonymous tips we get?

We barely have the personnel
to investigate the tips
from our cleared sources.

Any noise about
an upcoming Vegas event?

Your clearance expired
several years ago, Ed.

You know
I can't brief you on any-

Let's call Sam Mullen
and straighten that out.

That's the protocol, Ed.
Right.

Let's just say Las Vegas
has been and continues to be
a very high priority for us.

So, then, um, what do you
plan on doing, um-

Step one is get your source vetted.
Do you have an address?

Yeah. Well, he really
doesn't want to talk to you.

He's just a little cop-shy.
I see.

So I guess this is a-
a low priority.

I'll have an analyst take a look
at the recent Las Vegas chatter.

Thanks for the heads-up though.
You betcha.

Danny, we'll do it your way.
We'll do this ourselves.

I'm already at Bronco Burger.
I gotta go.

Sorry to keep you waiting.
Uh, ladies' lav.

My security guard usually handles
plunger duty, but he quit this morning.

That's okay. I was just
enjoying these curly fries.

What is that, uh-
that seasoning you put on these?

That's proprietary.

Of course.

So, uh, you said earlier on the phone
that it wouldn't be a problem to get
that surveillance tape from Monday?

Yeah, I know that's what I said,
but I changed my mind.

So it is gonna be a problem?

Getting the tape
isn't a problem,

but playing ball with people
intent on ignoring personal liberties
sure as hell is.

I didn't do two tours of 'Nam
so some private citizen could make
himself judge, jury and executioner.

Sir, I'm a marine myself-
Just because a man
is of Arab descent...

doesn't mean
he's any less of a patriot.

Maybe I didn't make myself clear
on the phone. We're not interested
because he may be of Arab descent.

We're interested because he was overheard
saying he was gonna blow up the Montecito.

Your own personal Amber Alert.
You know, these days...

it seems that people hear
what they want to hear.

I don't want to mention
a certain president we all know-

Okay, Mr. Mazeroski, sir.

I'm not with any government agency.
I'm a businessman just like you.

I'm just trying to protect my customers
and my business. Okay?

I'm afraid we're gonna have to agree
to disagree on this one, Mr. McCoy.

If you want any more curly fries,
they're on me.

Number six!

Daddy.
Oh, hi, honey.

Hi. How's your day going?
"How's your day going"
means you want something.

What is it?
You're so cynical.

It's just a small little thing.
Well, honey,

I'm kinda dealing with something
right now with security issues.

Have you heard about the Gunther
versus Wolfgang cook-off?
Mm-mmm.

It's gonna be huge. We're having
a pre-match press briefing later.

Pre-match?
Sounds great, sweetie.

I sort of volunteered you to be
one of the celebrity judges.

First of all,
I am not a celebrity.

You're the president
of the Montecito.

And I couldn't line up enough
real celebrities on such short notice.
Please, will you do it?

Hey, Danny's back
in your office.
Right.

Please. If you don't, the cook-off
will be a complete disaster,

and I'll be the laughingstock
of Las Vegas.

Please?
Yeah. Fine. Fine. Okay.

Thank you. I love you.

I love you too.

What? Don't look at me like that.
Not a word.

What do you mean,
"ignoring personal liberties"?

I told him about the bomb threats,
and he said it was some kind
of ethnic profiling.

The F.B.I. could probably
pull a search warrant pretty quickly.

I'm not so sure
this junior G-man-

He didn't seem real interested
in what I had to say.

Anyway, this, uh, Bronco Burger guy-
He has the tape, right?

Yeah, he has it.
Well, just get it.
It seems very simple. Get it.

You want me to apply for
a security guard job at Bronco Burger?

Security guards have access
to the surveillance tapes, right?

So once you're hired, you just
borrow the tape so we can get a look
at the guy who made the bomb threat.

Wait. Don't they wear
those funky uniforms?

I would do this if I could,
but the owner knows who I am.

What if I don't get the job?
I need to tell you what damage
that would do to a brother's confidence?

You'll get the job.
Oh, hi, sweetie.

Norma, right?
It's Sam, right?

Yes. Yes. We met at the, uh,
Monica's-ashes-down-the-toilet party.

Listen, I heard about the finger
in the cocktail sauce thing.
I'm sorry about that.

If there's anything I can do
to make your stay more enjoyable,
please don't hesitate-

Everybody is being so nice to me.
I almost feel like I should be doing
favors for you guys.

Oh, really?
Yeah.

Great. Well, in the case, listen.
I have to do this guest
satisfaction survey.

It's gonna be awful.
I'm gonna have to walk around
and talk to people...

and- I don't know-
survey them.

I mean, maybe I could just
interview you.

But... you'd have to do
this 60-minute free massage.

You're kidding?
No.

And then you'd have to do
this five-minute interview afterwards.

I mean, are you
interested in that?
Yeah!

Oh, you are?
Yeah!

That's great.

What's M.I.T.?

Massachusetts Institute
of Technology.

That like DeVry?

Well, it's, uh-
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Kinda like DeVry.

Okay. Well, everything
looks good, so, uh-

I do need someone right away.

Did I, uh, mention you only get
one free meal per shift?

Yes, sir.
Junior Bronc burg,
regular curly fry, small beverage.

More than enough.

Mind me asking you
a personal question, uh, Mike?

Not at all.

Why does a guy driving a new Lexus
want a job paying $5.15 an hour?

You know, uh, I've always been really
interested in the food service industry,

and, well,
you gotta start somewhere.

Ambitious. I like that.
Thank you.

Now this Wolfgang Puck will learn
what it feels like to face a real chef.

I pity his pizza.
I laugh at his lasagna.

I spit on his shiitake bisque.

My good friend Gunther
can run his mouth off
as much as he wants.

I will remind him what I learned
on my first job in Austria.

The proof is in the pudding.

Except mine will be
in my tequila grapefruit sorbet.

- Why are you laughing?
This is not funny.

Well, there you have it, folks.

Clearly there is no love lost
between these two.

And they will have it out
tomorrow night at 7:00.

What does this look like?

Uh, looks like
a Stampeder with cheese.

Do those look like
grilled onions to you?

No, they don't. But if you speak
with posse member Barry,

he'll get that rectified.

Security, would you come out here, please?

- Shake to the window.
- Could you come out here?

Yes, ma'am?
Yeah. That guy cut in line.

Right-This guy right here.
Is that true, sir?

Look, I was standing right here.
I'm a lot closer to this line
than I am the other lines.

The way I see it, I was already in line.
How can I cut in line on myself?

- You were actually all the way over here.
- No, I wasn't.

Tell you what. He'll go first.
But you get this token of our
appreciation for your continued patronage.

- Thank you.
- You are welcome.

Hey, how'd the, uh,
first shift go?
Great. Challenging.

Uh, I had a bit of a situation earlier
with an expired Round-Up Meal coupon-

Well, it's like anything else, Mike.
Takes a while to get a feel for it.

Once you do,
it's pretty darn gratifying.
Yeah.

See ya tomorrow.
Okay.

Danny, I got the tape.

If anything's gonna happen,
today's the day.

All right.
There's Darryl.

Fast-forward to when
the other guys come in.

It looks like the guy with his back to us
is doing most of the talking.

All right. Freeze it there.
VideoIQ it.

Farouk Naeem. Henderson address.
Egyptian national.

Which doesn't necessarily
mean anything.

Let's just make sure
it doesn't mean anything.

Danny and I'll run out to Henderson.

You get this tape back to that Bronco Burger
before they know it's missing.

Oh, that's right.
You better hurry up and change.
You're gonna be late for your shift.

Yeah, it's funny. Owner dude's
actually a pretty good guy.

I feel kinda bad quitting on him
the day after he hired me.

It shouldn't be too hard to replace you.
I mean, what are the job requirements?

You gotta love boredom.
You gotta have a pulse.

Believe it or not, the job
is harder than it looks.

Oh, I believe it.
You're looking skinny, bro.
Yeah.

Ms. Deline, there is
a problem in the kitchen.

One second.

Don't you run away from me!

Benito! I will teach you
to question my authority!

Gunther, what are you doing?
Gunther!

- He doesn't want me to win.
- Who?

Who? Is it not so obvious?
It's this Benito!

This Gypsy boy! He must die!
I take a Gypsy-

Calm- Calm down. Okay?

Ja.
Breathe.

Okay.
Breathe from your diaphragm.

Lower. Right there.
Oh, that's good, ja.

I get too carried away.
You know, this Wolfgang Puck-

This cook-off
makes me aufgeregt.
Everything is gonna be fine.

Gunther is a great chef.
I am a great chef.

Believe in yourself.
I do. I do. I do. I feel better now.
I feel so much better.

Thank you so much. Maybe-
Maybe Delinda make me
feel better in my condo, okay?

All right. All right. All right.
The tasting is in a few hours.

Mm-hmm.
Gunther needs to cook.

I need to cook.
I'm gonna cook like you never-
Wolfgang is cooking.

Okay. Yeah, all right. I cook.
All right. All right. All right.

You've got your Henry sauce?
I've got the Henry sauce.

All right. Make it nice.
Mmm. Mmm.

Et voil?!

Hi, sweetie.
Hi.

Did you get your massage
from Travis?
Oh, yeah.

Oh, well, tell me all about it.

He gave me a really great massage.

Oh. Give me the details.
Was it a normal massage,
or did he-

Well, I've never had a massage
before today.

Oh, you're a massage virgin.
Perfect!

So I guess I can't really
say what's normal.

Well, did his hands ever come
in contact with your bird?

Yeah.

And if that is not normal,
honey, it sure as hell oughta be.

It's kind of unprofessional.

Okay, I didn't mind.
Oh, yeah.

In fact, I liked it.
Okay, I got it. So did Travis-

Unbelievable.
Did Travis happen to mention
to you why he chose you...

for his special little treatment?

Well, he said only
hot chicks were eligible.

So- He is so charming.

God, and so handsome.

Is he single?
I don't know.

Well, because if I could get his
phone number, that would be rad.

I really feel bad about this,
Mr. Mazeroski.

But a while ago, I applied
for a job at Applebee's-
Class operation.

Yeah, and they
just called, so-

But I'm not gonna leave you
high and dry.
Don't worry about it, Mike.

You know, uh,
I did two tours in 'Nam,

and one thing I learned over there
was you gotta live for the moment,

'cause you never know what's waiting
in the next rice paddy.

Right. My point is I brought
someone to fill the job. Lyle.

Lyle.
Lyle Nubbin, sir.

Lyle here is a dedicated
worker and a great guy.

I'd certainly relish
the opportunity, sir.

And if you don't like relish,
I'd ketchup the opportunity.

Sense of humor. I like that.

- Do I get free lunch with my shift?
- Let's just stick to security stuff.

Take a look around.

Ed.

If you're here about the vacant unit,
it's been rented.

No, no, no. Actually, we're
a friend of Farouk's up there.

We were wondering
if you know where he was at?
2-D? No.

Do you know anything about him?
What he was like?

He's quiet.
Keeps to himself. Arab.

If he's your friend, how come
you don't know what he's like?

We're making a collage
for his birthday, and we're
getting impressions.

Yeah, he might be out at his parking stall.
Spends a lot of time out there.

Thanks.
Sure.

- Ammonium nitrate.
- Plus diesel.

That equals bang.

Agent Ramstack, please.
Yeah, yeah, it's urgent.

George, take two guys
and put 'em on the loading dock...

on the far west, okay?

East and south entrances
are covered.

Okay. So all we can do is wait.

That's him.

Get him!

What? What's going on?

You want to tell us why you got a van
full of ammonium nitrate out back, Farouk?

I'm a landscaper. I'm on my way
out to a job in Spring Valley.

Yeah? Well, why'd you stop
at the Montecito?

For a job interview.
I talked to your grounds
maintenance supervisor.

Uh, Hector.
He said I should stop by.

But if this is how you treat
your employees-

We talked to someone who said
they overheard you say you were gonna
blow up the Montecito.

They overheard wrong,
because I never said that.

- Were you at Bronco Burger on Monday?
- Yes, I was there with my brother.

I told him I'm going to show up
at Montecito so they wouldn't forget me.

You know, I-

You know, I came to this country
because I thought everyone
was treated the same.

Except, because I look the way I do,
everyone treats me like a terrorist.

We're gonna look into this.

Good evening. Sam, right?

Yeah. That's right.

Let me ask you
a question, Travis.

Why aren't I getting
your special treatment?

Special treatment?
Mmm, special treatment.

Don't play dumb.
I know what's going on in here,
because Norma told me.

I'm quite obviously
hotter than that girl, and
I am not a chick to be toyed with.

So if you're not gonna give me
your special treatment, you better
give me a damn good reason why not.

It's your chakras.

What about my chakras?

They're negative.
No, they're not.

I'm sorry. When I first entered the room,
I sensed negative chakras.

Okay, let's say I have
negative chakras.

I'm still not quite sure why
I don't get the special treatment.

I mean, I'm the hottest
naked girl I've ever seen.

Negative chakras make it
very difficult...

to create the positive aura needed
to celebrate mutual ecstasy.

You realize you're an idiot.

Hey.

Your story checks out, Farouk.
You're free to go.

On behalf of the Montecito,
we'd like to offer our apologies.

We are very sorry.

We certainly meant you no disrespect,
but we understand if you're upset.

So we're hoping that getting you
that job you applied for
might take away some of the sting.

So I've instructed Hector to hire you.
That is, if you're still interested.

Yes, I am interested.
Well, good.

And we'd like you to stay
here with us for a few weeks.

We're gonna hook you up
with a suite. Full comp.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah, sure.

But you got a problem, see?
If you're late for work,
you have no excuse.

I won't be. Thank you.

Thanks. I-
I will go get my stuff.
Good.

Thanks. Bye.

Yeah.

Yeah, honey. Yeah, I know.
No, right now.

No, I'm leaving right now.

Gonna judge that cook-off, Ed?
Not a word.

Hey.
Hi.

Uh, listen. I just-
I need to talk to you...

about that little
research project we discussed.

Oh, if this is about Travis,
I don't need it anymore.
I'm sorry.

I have to get to the cook-off.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
This won't take long.

He's taking liberties
during certain massages,
and he needs to be fired now.

He took liberties with you?
Mm-hmm.

He might as well have been
my gynecologist.

He did that chick Norma too.

Well, you know, I can't fire him,
because he already quit.

Something about negative chakras.
The guy's loony tunes.
What? What?

Sam! Hey, Sam, listen.
I was thinking.

You know that thing with Travis?
Right. Um, is it okay if we
keep that just between us?

Yeah.
So, you haven't told anybody?

No.
Okay, good.

Mm-hmm.

I don't get it.

Okay, Charo,
what does the "Cuchi, cuchi" girl
think about Gunther's dishes?

Deliciosos. Magnificent.

The spaetzle with leeks? Wow!
Does a little flamenco on my tongue.

I like it. I like it very much.

That's great. Fantastic.
All right.

Donny Osmond.
Yes.

Singer, actor, author.
Would you say that Gunther's dishes...

are best described
as sweet and innocent...

or the 12th of never?

Well, I gotta be honest with you.
The beef tenderloin
was a smidgen overcooked.

- Does Donny Osmond not know
this is the proper way to serve-
- Gunther!

- What's the matter with you?
- The judges are entitled to their opinions.

Thank you very much.
And last but not least,

the president of operations
right here at the Montecito,
Mr. Ed Deline.

Right. Um, good.

Everything was, uh,
really good. Really good.

But what's with the Henry sauce?
I mean, you put it on everything.
Everything.

- It's my signature sauce.
- It's good. It's good.

All right, the judges have sampled
the offerings by both Gunther
as well as Wolfgang Puck.

And the winner
of the Montecito Range War,

the preparer of the meal
to seal the deal is...

Wolfgang Puck!
Thank you.

Thank you very much.
Thank you, everybody.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We know why this is.

This is a fix.

How much did you pay them,
Wolfgang?

Yeah, they tried to pay me
to eat your nasty Henry sauce for them.

Oh, I see.

Well, maybe- maybe you get
some of your movie star friends
to schmooze for you, huh?

At least I have friends.

Please. Take it easy.

This whole experience
has really turned my life around.

Oh, that's good.
But you and your turned-around life
are no longer welcome here.

Just consider yourself lucky
we're not gonna turn your ass in
for stealing those chips.

But I can go, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.

- Mr. Cannon?
- Hey, Lyle.

You remember that flyer
you gave me? Anthony Sirott?

I think this is the culprit.

That's him.
That's the guy that ripped us off.

I'll be gosh darned if he didn't
walk into Bronco Burger.

I guess bad guys gotta eat too.

Anyhoo, I didn't want him vamoosing,
so I cuffed him to me.

And seeing as how I'm kind of a husky fella,
it'd be tough for him to escape.

Man, I don't know
what to say, Lyle. Great job.

The thing is, uh, somehow in all
the commotion, I lost the doggone key.

I'm gonna, uh-
I'm gonna go call the police.

Yeah, come on.
Let's go get you some bolt cutters.

It's not that I don't appreciate
the position at Bronco Burger, but
if anything were to come up over here-

Oh, you'll be my first call.

Excuse me, Mr. Deline.
Gunther.

I can no longer stay here.

Why? Uh, was it
about this cook-off thing?

Yes, exactly what I'm talking about.
The-The-The humiliation.

What humiliation? Gunther,
Gott im Himmel, it was just in fun.

Fun? Humiliation is not fun.
Do you like for to be humiliated? Huh?

No. Gunther does not like this either.

So I am leaving. I have sold
my shares in the restaurant.

To whom?

Please come in.

Hey, boys.
Kent wanted to talk.

Yeah?
And now that we have a quorum,

I just want to let you guys know
there's no, uh, hard feelings.

In fact, I'm gonna do you a favor-
not send word of your little miscue
up the totem pole.

Miscue?
Face it, Ed. You blew it.

You tracked down and detained
an innocent man.

You wasted the Bureau's time.

Wait a minute. An hour ago,
you were pissed at us
for handling it ourselves.

Tell you what.
Next time you have a hunch,

why don't you take two aspirin
and call me in the morning?

Take two aspirin?

I wouldn't call you if Bin Laden
came up in my soup.

Easy. Easy, Mr. D.
Get outta here.

You know this is the second time
in three weeks you've gone after a guy?

Maybe I'm mellowing, huh?

Hey, how about that for a line?

"I wouldn't call you if Bin Laden
came up in my soup."

Great line.
Hilarious, Mr. D.

Yeah, I can be a real funny guy
when I want to be.

Ow.