LA to Vegas (2018): Season 1, Episode 3 - Two and a Half Pilots - full transcript
How was your date last night?
Oh. Another guy turned out to be gay.
Are you still using my Tinder account?
I told you it's not like Hulu.
We can't share a subscription.
Looks like Captain Dave is late again.
- Always does this.
- Then he waltzes in and says,
"Sorry, I'm on Captain Dave time."
That's not a time zone; it's a tragedy.
Oh, finally.
Sorry, I'm on Captain Dave time.
- Well, see you later.
- Ah, hold on.
Why are you holding a bag
like someone who's never held a bag before?
All right.
Truth is I've finally
found my Achilles' heel.
It's my Achilles' wrist.
- Ouch.
- Wait, it gets worse.
- That's my high-fiving hand.
- What happened?
I was walking down the street
and I saw some poor schlub
trapped under a giant armoire.
I knew my only two choices were
to heroically lift the thing off him
or to cut his arm off
with my pocketknife.
So I summoned up
all of my strength,
but alas, my will was
stronger than my wrist.
Anyway, the important thing
is I'm all patched up now
- and ready to go.
- You can't fly.
No, but until I can,
I'll have to settle for
piloting a plane. Let's do it.
- Dave.
- Oh, this is exactly why I was hiding it.
I knew you two were
going to be dicks about this.
Sorry, got to call it in.
Come on, Bernie, you
can't ground this eagle.
It needs to soar.
You know I can do this.
All right. Let's give it a try.
You know he's just calling
in a replacement, right?
Yeah, I know. Can you
at least sign my cast?
I have a date tonight and want
her to know I have friends.
Jackpot Airlines.
Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.
Attention all passengers,
we are now boarding...
Whoa, bag!
What's in them?
Just some toys.
Toys. That's fun. Can I look?
I just-- oh.
There is many games. You
know what game I like?
The one about the hippos
that are so very hungry.
- You know this game?
- Perhaps, not touch these.
They're presents for my son's birthday.
Birthday? Fun.
You know, at my club Grapefruits,
birthday boys get half off lap dances.
Dads pay full price to watch, though.
He's three.
He is three or he's turning three?
I think I'm going to go
through security again.
Just for fun.
On my third birthday,
I dig hole for swimming pool.
On my fourth birthday,
I find out it's mass grave.
You know what? You should tell him.
- Bad news sounds better coming from you.
- OK.
So, Judases, did you find my replacement?
Ronnie?
Yes, we did, but you
are not going to like it.
What? Who is it?
Captain Steve.
Captain Dave.
Looks like I'll be taking
over the reins this weekend.
Tough break on that wrist.
I'd say, "No pun intended,"
but I knew what I was doing.
And this must be
my new flight crew.
Good-looking pair. You got names?
- I'm Bernard.
- I'm Ronnie. Hi.
Is it suddenly very hot in here?
It is.
Oh, hey, Dave, didn't see you there.
You just said hello to me.
Heard about the divorce.
How many is that for you? Four?
Excuse me, try three.
It seems no woman
could ever understand
I'm married to the sky.
- I'm married to a model.
- A catalog model.
Internet catalog model.
The whole future, it's all online.
- So true.
- Blogs.
What are you even doing
here? You don't fly domestic.
No.
The international skies are my playground.
Then I got this call, and I
figured it'd be a great way
to get back to my roots,
my American roots.
God, I love this country.
Well, I'll be back in action any day,
so don't get too comfortable.
I'll try, but you know me,
I'm comfortable anywhere.
I exclusively use public restrooms.
Yeah. I'm always looking
for the next big thing.
I mean, landing on water, it's been done.
Sully did it.
So I was thinking, what's the
next thing we should land on?
I say, the sky.
I have no idea what that means,
but I like how close I feel to you.
- Hey, fellows.
- Captain Dave.
How are things going in my cockpit?
Great. Captain Steve
let me wear his jacket.
Look how floppy my arms are.
Shouldn't you be at home
resting up that wrist?
Not that I'd know.
I've never broken anything,
- except a few hearts.
- I can believe it.
I thought I should fly with
you this weekend, you know,
in case you had any
questions or you died.
I'll just third-wheel
it in the jump seat.
Oh. Yeah. Sorry, the jump
seat's occupied by my copilot.
A 200-pound kettlebell?
Great. That's embarrassing.
Now everybody knows
how much I lift!
Anyway, you can fly with us,
but you're going to
have to ride in the cabin.
The cabin?
You want me to sit in
that flying refugee camp?
They made these
tickets way too cheap.
- Right there.
- I'm so sorry,
those seats are taken.
Maybe just find two other seats?
Yeah, OK. Ah, sorry.
- Your pants are on fire.
- Sorry?
Oh, my God, you just lied to them.
Well, yeah, clearly.
They're both very shady.
And also, I'm kind of preoccupied
with finalising my
son's birthday party.
He's turning three.
Oh. That's a cute age,
is something people say, right?
I don't know anything about kids.
It's his first birthday since
his mother and I separated,
and I think I've
rather outdone myself.
Check out the play gym I've booked.
Now, there's a puppy playpen,
a cake pit, and all the princesses
are actual
descendants of exiled royalty.
Wow, that sounds a lot better
than my third birthday party.
God, what a disaster.
You remember your third birthday?
Only 'cause my mum taped it.
Then the tape was
later used in the trial.
It was also the first
time I smoked Marlboro Red.
My family was a little trashy.
I grew up near Bakersfield.
Our town mayor
was a Harley-Davidson.
Sleep when you're on the ground.
You're in the air,
for God's sake.
Show some respect.
Are you seriously going to fly
back and forth all weekend
just to keep an eye on him?
- You have a better idea?
- Yes. Don't.
You don't know.
What's with this thing?
If it's off, it's too hot.
If it's on, it dries my eyes.
You people live like animals!
Thanks for all your
help with Captain Steve.
- What the hell happened to you?
- I couldn't help it.
I'm very single, and that
silver fox has a strong back
and could probably
carry me across a river.
Be a modern woman and carry
yourself across a river, Ronnie.
I don't understand.
What is your problem with him?
He thinks he's so
much better than me
just because he finished
first in our flight class,
and beat me out for
the international route,
and won Jackpot's Sexiest
Pilot award six years in a row,
despite me killing it
in the talent category.
Oh, Dave. Nobody wanted to see
your Magic Mike routine.
Yeah, that was all
Mike and no magic.
This was the one
place where I didn't feel
like I was in Captain Steve's shadow.
Well, I'm not letting him
take that from me, too.
I can fly this plane,
and I'll prove it.
How many push-ups
you want to see me do?
- 600.
- None.
One!
OK.
I can't do a push-up,
but my wrist is fine.
It can do everything it used to do.
I can do the Dirty Dancing lift.
Bernard, run to me!
No.
Dave, go home. Get some rest.
Nobody puts Bernard in a corner.
Welcome to Las Vegas.
- Hi. Thank you.
- Hi.
Oh, that landing touched me.
Did we land? I didn't feel
the wheels touch the ground.
I know. Usually, I have to
take pills to feel this way.
And don't forget
who gave you those pills.
So, what'd you think of
the L.A. to Vegas flight?
Pretty boring, right?
You should probably get
back to your old route now.
Actually, it was kind of a nice break
from the spotlight of
the international route.
I've already conquered that.
It's probably time to
conquer something new.
Like when Nicole Kidman does TV.
Yeah.
I could see myself doing this full-time.
Captain Steve is
moving into my route.
We got to do something to stop him.
- What do you expect us to do?
- I don't know. Something!
The alternative is he replaces me.
We can't let that happen.
We're a team.
Think about all our history.
Your first week on the job,
when you forgot
to lock the exit door,
who blamed the ground crew
and got that guy fired?
Yeah, but I felt so guilty afterwards,
I had to date him for six months.
So I got you laid, too. And, Bernie,
we've been together for
years. We're like brothers.
You came out to me.
No. You just flat-out asked.
Your exact words were, "Gay, right?"
The point is that we
look out for each other.
That's why you got to help
me. You got to help me.
What do you think?
Well, right now, all I can think about
is how good Captain Steve smells.
Does anyone know what that is?
It's a pamplemousse facial scrub.
Not available in the States.
Don't get me wrong,
I want to help Dave, I do.
But would it really be the
worst thing in the world
if Steve was our new boss?
It's probably less work for us.
We wouldn't have to babysit.
I mean, he's actually
got a life off the plane.
Yeah, he doesn't want
to waste time with us.
He's got a catalog model to go home to.
He just clocks in, clocks out.
Imagine working for a
pilot who says "thank you"
every once in a while,
and doesn't make us check
his hair for greys
before each flight.
What are you complaining about?
You only have to check his head.
Colin?
Oh, thank God you answered. Ronnie,
it's all coming apart.
The universe is getting
back at me for my hubris.
I had a petard, and
I've been hoisted by it.
Colin, you're using
high-scoring Scrabble words.
I don't know what you're saying.
I'm talking about the play gym
I booked for my son's party.
It's been shut down.
An anti-vaxxer held a party,
I don't know,
something about a
long-dormant super-virus.
It's a disaster.
- OK, just calm down.
- I can't calm down.
I'm holding a party
tomorrow for 24 children.
I've got nowhere
to throw it. I need help.
I know it's weird I'm calling you.
You're the only person
I know in Las Vegas.
Well, not the only person.
Hey!
Ronnie says you
need help throwing party
to buy your son's love.
- Ronnie called you?
- Yeah.
And Artem is big helper.
Hop in. I have candy.
Oh, no. You want me to
get in this? With you?
Yeah, don't worry.
It's not even my van.
Let's just say, for a
minute, we actually considered
lodging a fake complaint
against Captain Steve.
What could we possibly say
that would make a difference?
We'll just say he grabbed my ass.
If he's grabbing
anybody's ass, it's mine.
Please. Have you seen your ass?
Because I haven't.
- He's not even gay.
- I transcend sexuality.
Do you know how
many pilots I've turned?
- Shut up. Like who?
- You'd be surprised.
The drink carts aren't the
only things that go both ways.
Sorry to interrupt,
but don't you think you
guys should be working?
It's the Saturday afternoon
flight from Vegas to L.A.
- There's nothing to do.
- Yeah.
See, it's that attitude
that makes you both
such remarkable failures.
I demand excellence every
moment you're on this plane.
Right, but, Steve, there's literally--
Sorry. "Steve"?
Try "Captain," or "sir."
I don't know how you got away
with this garbage before but
it ends now.
Can you believe that?
Who the hell
does he think he is?
I'm going to march
right into that cockpit
and make him grab my ass.
Wow.
This place is really impressive.
Yeah, business is good, eh, Farley?
Yeah, man, things have
blown up for us, ever since
that Stranger Things kid
nailed a paparazzo with his scooter.
Follow me.
So you need something for
tomorrow morning, 20 heads.
What's the
chick-to-stick raish?
- I'm so sorry, the...?
- Girl to guy. Girl to guy ratio.
We like to keep it three to one.
Oh, I think it's about even.
Oof, you're lucky Artem's a friend.
So, tomorrow is going to be lit!
Egypt Keys-Beatz is hosting.
Bottle service only.
Let's say, ten of the magnums?
Also, you're going to want the
table out by the ball pit.
- That's where it all goes down.
- OK.
What is that? VIP?
Peanut allergy. So, with
the bottles, the table,
and of course the party
favours.
Why is he winking? We
really do need party favours.
Your total comes out to $8,000.
- What?
- That is good price.
No, no, no, no.
There's no way I can afford that.
Look, I want this to be special
for my son, but I'm on a budget.
What can I get for $400?
I paid $400 to get back
to exactly where I started.
Welcome to Las Vegas!
Oh, we have to do something
about Captain Steve.
But first, which one of us
is more sexually harass-able?
Before you answer,
consider my bedroom eyes.
Relax. Don't pop a contact.
Steve is going to
make our lives hell
if he takes over this
route. We have to stop him.
We're thinking smear campaign.
Same thing we did
with Klepto-Kathy,
although we may have
jumped the gun on that one.
Well, just because we found my bracelet
doesn't mean she
didn't want to steal it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's slow down here.
We can't just go around
besmirching Steve's reputation.
What? This was your idea.
Where is this coming from?
And when did you learn "besmirch"?
All I'm saying, we should
consider our options
before crucifying him.
Corporate said Dave
could have Steve's route
- if Steve took Dave's route.
- Damn it, Alan.
- What?
- All right.
I called corporate
to ask, hypothetically,
if Captain Steve
took L.A. to Vegas,
could I take international,
and they were on board.
So when it was your job on
the line, you needed our help,
but now that it's ours,
- you don't care.
- Don't you understand?
This international route
would be huge for me.
I need this.
Just look at me.
Look at my wrist.
We're supposed to be
cool with you screwing us,
just because you couldn't
help some guy under an armoire?
No. You should be
cool with it because
I was the guy
under the armoire.
I was the one I couldn't help.
- What?
- You own an armoire?
I bought it.
And I was moving it back
to my place when
it tipped over on me.
I was trapped
underneath of it for hours.
Hours. When I picked it up
from that Craigslist perv,
he even said to me,
"Don't you have someone
to help you move this?"
But I didn't.
Because the truth is I
have no one in my life
to help me move a gorgeous
piece of antique furniture.
So am I being a little selfish?
Yes.
But when you're a guy stuck
moving armoires alone,
you get to be selfish.
What's a armoire?
What are we doing here?
We still haven't found
a place for the party.
We'll find place.
For now, we focus on entertainment.
You think this is the
place for the entertainment?
- Yeah.
- I... OK.
- Hi!
- Mm!
It's so fun when
my friends come by.
My family almost never
comes to visit me at work.
I'm sorry, did you
say "almost never"?
And don't worry,
you came to the right place.
We have so many talented ladies
who want to help with the party.
Girls.
- Next to the stage...
- This is Staci.
She makes awesome balloon
animals out of condoms.
Ah. Oh.
Oh jeez. That's disgusting.
This is Juli.
She has an amazing singing voice.
She actually came here
to be in one of the shows,
but, well, life is hard,
so she's here now.
OK.
And this is Micki.
She's, like, an animal trainer.
Her dog can do
the craziest tricks. Watch.
Shake.
- What's up?
- Pleasure.
We will take the balloon
animals and the singer.
Thank you, Mr Dog, I think
we're going to go another way.
You see? One problem solved.
Now we just have
to find birthday house.
Wait, you still don't
have a place for the party?
No. So the possibility of
ruining my son's childhood
- is still very much in play.
- Yeah.
Hey, man, don't sweat it.
My dad ruined all my
birthdays growing up,
and I turned out just fine.
Oh, dear God.
If you guys are still
looking for a venue,
I might know a place.
I still can't believe how
well this all came together.
And they were OK with shutting
down the strip club for this?
Oh, yeah, no,
Sundays are slow anyway.
You know, actually, it's really nice
to have customers on
our laps for a change.
My giraffe is slippery.
- Oh.
- Oh, ah...
Thank you both
so much for all of this.
I suppose I'm not used to people
going out of their
way like this for me.
Well, of course.
We're friends.
Yeah. After all our flights
together, we like to think
that you're one of us now.
That's really nice. I think.
Daddy, we're going to
the sparkly cider room!
Oh.
Hello, passengers.
This is Captain Steve.
As we're approaching
Vegas, a little reminder.
If it's magic you're looking for,
head over to Caesars for
Pascal the Magnificent.
I've seen him myself,
and let me tell you,
the only thing that
man can't make disappear
is the smile on your face.
Boned his wife.
I'm going to get a cup of
joe. You want anything?
- I'll have one, too.
- Get it yourself.
Oh. Captain Dave.
Something I can help you with?
Yeah, I wanted to ask
you to take it easier
- on Ronnie and Bernard.
- Ronnie and Bernard?
You mean those flat-ass soda
machines with bad attitudes?
I don't know why you're
even defending them.
They're just a couple of
losers who should be grateful
to have a job at all. In fact, frankly,
if it was up to me,
they wouldn't.
- You know what?
- What?
Those are my friends
you're talking about.
And I don't care what it costs me,
you will never
take over this flight.
What? You...
Take over this flight?
Why the hell would...?
Oh. This is pathetic.
Did you think that I wanted
to trade routes with you?
- Well, it crossed my...
- No. I mean, a little.
I was never serious about taking
over this godforsaken flight.
I mean, come on, Dave,
look at me, I fly international.
OK, stop calling it
international, Steve.
And let's call it what it is.
It's Canada.
Well, it counts.
They have their own money.
That doesn't even fit in wallets.
It fits in wallets. You
just have to fold the bill!
- What's your problem, man?!
- My problem right now
is I'm talking to
an overrated hack
whose stickwork is pedestrian.
- What did you say?
- I said,
I've seen groundos with
better air feel than you.
You take that back,
you son of a bitch.
Why don't you make me?
Ow! Aah!
What is your face made of?!
You punched him!
Oh. Oh my God. This is amazing.
How is this amazing?
He hit me in the face.
That's good, too, but
I mean, he's screwed now.
It's nothing; it's just a little scrape
- between a couple of pilots.
- But he's not a pilot.
You made him sit in the cabin.
You just assaulted a passenger.
Boom, bitch.
Ooh.
That was weird when you did that.
- It was weird.
- No. Ronald!
Look. Colin gave us
socialist gift bags.
Wow. Looks like you
had a fun weekend.
Oh, you mean the T-shirt?
Yeah, well, they're party
favours from my son's birthday.
He said it was the best
party he'd ever had.
He's also insisted I buy
him the Kidz Bop version of
"Turn Down for What."
I'll see you all in hell!
Seems like you had a pretty
interesting weekend yourself.
Nah. Pretty much the yuje.
Hey. I wanted to thank you
for sticking up for us back there,
even if it meant losing out
on the international job.
Eh, it was nothing.
We're a team, right?
Damn right we are.
Which reminds me,
I have something for you.
It's my phone number.
Just in case you
ever need someone
- to help you move an armoire.
- Thanks.
I actually took your number
off the crew list a while ago.
Creepy.
As a symbolic gesture,
though, this is very nice.
And the good news is,
since Captain Steve has
a broken hand, looks like I'll
be the one flying back to L.A.
No, no, not so fast, cowboy.
You still have a broken wrist.
Bernard called in
another replacement.
Well, whoever it is, they can't
be any worse than Captain Steve.
- Captain Carl.
- Hi.
How are you?
- Oh.
- Oh, damn it.
Corrected by DB
Oh. Another guy turned out to be gay.
Are you still using my Tinder account?
I told you it's not like Hulu.
We can't share a subscription.
Looks like Captain Dave is late again.
- Always does this.
- Then he waltzes in and says,
"Sorry, I'm on Captain Dave time."
That's not a time zone; it's a tragedy.
Oh, finally.
Sorry, I'm on Captain Dave time.
- Well, see you later.
- Ah, hold on.
Why are you holding a bag
like someone who's never held a bag before?
All right.
Truth is I've finally
found my Achilles' heel.
It's my Achilles' wrist.
- Ouch.
- Wait, it gets worse.
- That's my high-fiving hand.
- What happened?
I was walking down the street
and I saw some poor schlub
trapped under a giant armoire.
I knew my only two choices were
to heroically lift the thing off him
or to cut his arm off
with my pocketknife.
So I summoned up
all of my strength,
but alas, my will was
stronger than my wrist.
Anyway, the important thing
is I'm all patched up now
- and ready to go.
- You can't fly.
No, but until I can,
I'll have to settle for
piloting a plane. Let's do it.
- Dave.
- Oh, this is exactly why I was hiding it.
I knew you two were
going to be dicks about this.
Sorry, got to call it in.
Come on, Bernie, you
can't ground this eagle.
It needs to soar.
You know I can do this.
All right. Let's give it a try.
You know he's just calling
in a replacement, right?
Yeah, I know. Can you
at least sign my cast?
I have a date tonight and want
her to know I have friends.
Jackpot Airlines.
Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.
Attention all passengers,
we are now boarding...
Whoa, bag!
What's in them?
Just some toys.
Toys. That's fun. Can I look?
I just-- oh.
There is many games. You
know what game I like?
The one about the hippos
that are so very hungry.
- You know this game?
- Perhaps, not touch these.
They're presents for my son's birthday.
Birthday? Fun.
You know, at my club Grapefruits,
birthday boys get half off lap dances.
Dads pay full price to watch, though.
He's three.
He is three or he's turning three?
I think I'm going to go
through security again.
Just for fun.
On my third birthday,
I dig hole for swimming pool.
On my fourth birthday,
I find out it's mass grave.
You know what? You should tell him.
- Bad news sounds better coming from you.
- OK.
So, Judases, did you find my replacement?
Ronnie?
Yes, we did, but you
are not going to like it.
What? Who is it?
Captain Steve.
Captain Dave.
Looks like I'll be taking
over the reins this weekend.
Tough break on that wrist.
I'd say, "No pun intended,"
but I knew what I was doing.
And this must be
my new flight crew.
Good-looking pair. You got names?
- I'm Bernard.
- I'm Ronnie. Hi.
Is it suddenly very hot in here?
It is.
Oh, hey, Dave, didn't see you there.
You just said hello to me.
Heard about the divorce.
How many is that for you? Four?
Excuse me, try three.
It seems no woman
could ever understand
I'm married to the sky.
- I'm married to a model.
- A catalog model.
Internet catalog model.
The whole future, it's all online.
- So true.
- Blogs.
What are you even doing
here? You don't fly domestic.
No.
The international skies are my playground.
Then I got this call, and I
figured it'd be a great way
to get back to my roots,
my American roots.
God, I love this country.
Well, I'll be back in action any day,
so don't get too comfortable.
I'll try, but you know me,
I'm comfortable anywhere.
I exclusively use public restrooms.
Yeah. I'm always looking
for the next big thing.
I mean, landing on water, it's been done.
Sully did it.
So I was thinking, what's the
next thing we should land on?
I say, the sky.
I have no idea what that means,
but I like how close I feel to you.
- Hey, fellows.
- Captain Dave.
How are things going in my cockpit?
Great. Captain Steve
let me wear his jacket.
Look how floppy my arms are.
Shouldn't you be at home
resting up that wrist?
Not that I'd know.
I've never broken anything,
- except a few hearts.
- I can believe it.
I thought I should fly with
you this weekend, you know,
in case you had any
questions or you died.
I'll just third-wheel
it in the jump seat.
Oh. Yeah. Sorry, the jump
seat's occupied by my copilot.
A 200-pound kettlebell?
Great. That's embarrassing.
Now everybody knows
how much I lift!
Anyway, you can fly with us,
but you're going to
have to ride in the cabin.
The cabin?
You want me to sit in
that flying refugee camp?
They made these
tickets way too cheap.
- Right there.
- I'm so sorry,
those seats are taken.
Maybe just find two other seats?
Yeah, OK. Ah, sorry.
- Your pants are on fire.
- Sorry?
Oh, my God, you just lied to them.
Well, yeah, clearly.
They're both very shady.
And also, I'm kind of preoccupied
with finalising my
son's birthday party.
He's turning three.
Oh. That's a cute age,
is something people say, right?
I don't know anything about kids.
It's his first birthday since
his mother and I separated,
and I think I've
rather outdone myself.
Check out the play gym I've booked.
Now, there's a puppy playpen,
a cake pit, and all the princesses
are actual
descendants of exiled royalty.
Wow, that sounds a lot better
than my third birthday party.
God, what a disaster.
You remember your third birthday?
Only 'cause my mum taped it.
Then the tape was
later used in the trial.
It was also the first
time I smoked Marlboro Red.
My family was a little trashy.
I grew up near Bakersfield.
Our town mayor
was a Harley-Davidson.
Sleep when you're on the ground.
You're in the air,
for God's sake.
Show some respect.
Are you seriously going to fly
back and forth all weekend
just to keep an eye on him?
- You have a better idea?
- Yes. Don't.
You don't know.
What's with this thing?
If it's off, it's too hot.
If it's on, it dries my eyes.
You people live like animals!
Thanks for all your
help with Captain Steve.
- What the hell happened to you?
- I couldn't help it.
I'm very single, and that
silver fox has a strong back
and could probably
carry me across a river.
Be a modern woman and carry
yourself across a river, Ronnie.
I don't understand.
What is your problem with him?
He thinks he's so
much better than me
just because he finished
first in our flight class,
and beat me out for
the international route,
and won Jackpot's Sexiest
Pilot award six years in a row,
despite me killing it
in the talent category.
Oh, Dave. Nobody wanted to see
your Magic Mike routine.
Yeah, that was all
Mike and no magic.
This was the one
place where I didn't feel
like I was in Captain Steve's shadow.
Well, I'm not letting him
take that from me, too.
I can fly this plane,
and I'll prove it.
How many push-ups
you want to see me do?
- 600.
- None.
One!
OK.
I can't do a push-up,
but my wrist is fine.
It can do everything it used to do.
I can do the Dirty Dancing lift.
Bernard, run to me!
No.
Dave, go home. Get some rest.
Nobody puts Bernard in a corner.
Welcome to Las Vegas.
- Hi. Thank you.
- Hi.
Oh, that landing touched me.
Did we land? I didn't feel
the wheels touch the ground.
I know. Usually, I have to
take pills to feel this way.
And don't forget
who gave you those pills.
So, what'd you think of
the L.A. to Vegas flight?
Pretty boring, right?
You should probably get
back to your old route now.
Actually, it was kind of a nice break
from the spotlight of
the international route.
I've already conquered that.
It's probably time to
conquer something new.
Like when Nicole Kidman does TV.
Yeah.
I could see myself doing this full-time.
Captain Steve is
moving into my route.
We got to do something to stop him.
- What do you expect us to do?
- I don't know. Something!
The alternative is he replaces me.
We can't let that happen.
We're a team.
Think about all our history.
Your first week on the job,
when you forgot
to lock the exit door,
who blamed the ground crew
and got that guy fired?
Yeah, but I felt so guilty afterwards,
I had to date him for six months.
So I got you laid, too. And, Bernie,
we've been together for
years. We're like brothers.
You came out to me.
No. You just flat-out asked.
Your exact words were, "Gay, right?"
The point is that we
look out for each other.
That's why you got to help
me. You got to help me.
What do you think?
Well, right now, all I can think about
is how good Captain Steve smells.
Does anyone know what that is?
It's a pamplemousse facial scrub.
Not available in the States.
Don't get me wrong,
I want to help Dave, I do.
But would it really be the
worst thing in the world
if Steve was our new boss?
It's probably less work for us.
We wouldn't have to babysit.
I mean, he's actually
got a life off the plane.
Yeah, he doesn't want
to waste time with us.
He's got a catalog model to go home to.
He just clocks in, clocks out.
Imagine working for a
pilot who says "thank you"
every once in a while,
and doesn't make us check
his hair for greys
before each flight.
What are you complaining about?
You only have to check his head.
Colin?
Oh, thank God you answered. Ronnie,
it's all coming apart.
The universe is getting
back at me for my hubris.
I had a petard, and
I've been hoisted by it.
Colin, you're using
high-scoring Scrabble words.
I don't know what you're saying.
I'm talking about the play gym
I booked for my son's party.
It's been shut down.
An anti-vaxxer held a party,
I don't know,
something about a
long-dormant super-virus.
It's a disaster.
- OK, just calm down.
- I can't calm down.
I'm holding a party
tomorrow for 24 children.
I've got nowhere
to throw it. I need help.
I know it's weird I'm calling you.
You're the only person
I know in Las Vegas.
Well, not the only person.
Hey!
Ronnie says you
need help throwing party
to buy your son's love.
- Ronnie called you?
- Yeah.
And Artem is big helper.
Hop in. I have candy.
Oh, no. You want me to
get in this? With you?
Yeah, don't worry.
It's not even my van.
Let's just say, for a
minute, we actually considered
lodging a fake complaint
against Captain Steve.
What could we possibly say
that would make a difference?
We'll just say he grabbed my ass.
If he's grabbing
anybody's ass, it's mine.
Please. Have you seen your ass?
Because I haven't.
- He's not even gay.
- I transcend sexuality.
Do you know how
many pilots I've turned?
- Shut up. Like who?
- You'd be surprised.
The drink carts aren't the
only things that go both ways.
Sorry to interrupt,
but don't you think you
guys should be working?
It's the Saturday afternoon
flight from Vegas to L.A.
- There's nothing to do.
- Yeah.
See, it's that attitude
that makes you both
such remarkable failures.
I demand excellence every
moment you're on this plane.
Right, but, Steve, there's literally--
Sorry. "Steve"?
Try "Captain," or "sir."
I don't know how you got away
with this garbage before but
it ends now.
Can you believe that?
Who the hell
does he think he is?
I'm going to march
right into that cockpit
and make him grab my ass.
Wow.
This place is really impressive.
Yeah, business is good, eh, Farley?
Yeah, man, things have
blown up for us, ever since
that Stranger Things kid
nailed a paparazzo with his scooter.
Follow me.
So you need something for
tomorrow morning, 20 heads.
What's the
chick-to-stick raish?
- I'm so sorry, the...?
- Girl to guy. Girl to guy ratio.
We like to keep it three to one.
Oh, I think it's about even.
Oof, you're lucky Artem's a friend.
So, tomorrow is going to be lit!
Egypt Keys-Beatz is hosting.
Bottle service only.
Let's say, ten of the magnums?
Also, you're going to want the
table out by the ball pit.
- That's where it all goes down.
- OK.
What is that? VIP?
Peanut allergy. So, with
the bottles, the table,
and of course the party
favours.
Why is he winking? We
really do need party favours.
Your total comes out to $8,000.
- What?
- That is good price.
No, no, no, no.
There's no way I can afford that.
Look, I want this to be special
for my son, but I'm on a budget.
What can I get for $400?
I paid $400 to get back
to exactly where I started.
Welcome to Las Vegas!
Oh, we have to do something
about Captain Steve.
But first, which one of us
is more sexually harass-able?
Before you answer,
consider my bedroom eyes.
Relax. Don't pop a contact.
Steve is going to
make our lives hell
if he takes over this
route. We have to stop him.
We're thinking smear campaign.
Same thing we did
with Klepto-Kathy,
although we may have
jumped the gun on that one.
Well, just because we found my bracelet
doesn't mean she
didn't want to steal it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's slow down here.
We can't just go around
besmirching Steve's reputation.
What? This was your idea.
Where is this coming from?
And when did you learn "besmirch"?
All I'm saying, we should
consider our options
before crucifying him.
Corporate said Dave
could have Steve's route
- if Steve took Dave's route.
- Damn it, Alan.
- What?
- All right.
I called corporate
to ask, hypothetically,
if Captain Steve
took L.A. to Vegas,
could I take international,
and they were on board.
So when it was your job on
the line, you needed our help,
but now that it's ours,
- you don't care.
- Don't you understand?
This international route
would be huge for me.
I need this.
Just look at me.
Look at my wrist.
We're supposed to be
cool with you screwing us,
just because you couldn't
help some guy under an armoire?
No. You should be
cool with it because
I was the guy
under the armoire.
I was the one I couldn't help.
- What?
- You own an armoire?
I bought it.
And I was moving it back
to my place when
it tipped over on me.
I was trapped
underneath of it for hours.
Hours. When I picked it up
from that Craigslist perv,
he even said to me,
"Don't you have someone
to help you move this?"
But I didn't.
Because the truth is I
have no one in my life
to help me move a gorgeous
piece of antique furniture.
So am I being a little selfish?
Yes.
But when you're a guy stuck
moving armoires alone,
you get to be selfish.
What's a armoire?
What are we doing here?
We still haven't found
a place for the party.
We'll find place.
For now, we focus on entertainment.
You think this is the
place for the entertainment?
- Yeah.
- I... OK.
- Hi!
- Mm!
It's so fun when
my friends come by.
My family almost never
comes to visit me at work.
I'm sorry, did you
say "almost never"?
And don't worry,
you came to the right place.
We have so many talented ladies
who want to help with the party.
Girls.
- Next to the stage...
- This is Staci.
She makes awesome balloon
animals out of condoms.
Ah. Oh.
Oh jeez. That's disgusting.
This is Juli.
She has an amazing singing voice.
She actually came here
to be in one of the shows,
but, well, life is hard,
so she's here now.
OK.
And this is Micki.
She's, like, an animal trainer.
Her dog can do
the craziest tricks. Watch.
Shake.
- What's up?
- Pleasure.
We will take the balloon
animals and the singer.
Thank you, Mr Dog, I think
we're going to go another way.
You see? One problem solved.
Now we just have
to find birthday house.
Wait, you still don't
have a place for the party?
No. So the possibility of
ruining my son's childhood
- is still very much in play.
- Yeah.
Hey, man, don't sweat it.
My dad ruined all my
birthdays growing up,
and I turned out just fine.
Oh, dear God.
If you guys are still
looking for a venue,
I might know a place.
I still can't believe how
well this all came together.
And they were OK with shutting
down the strip club for this?
Oh, yeah, no,
Sundays are slow anyway.
You know, actually, it's really nice
to have customers on
our laps for a change.
My giraffe is slippery.
- Oh.
- Oh, ah...
Thank you both
so much for all of this.
I suppose I'm not used to people
going out of their
way like this for me.
Well, of course.
We're friends.
Yeah. After all our flights
together, we like to think
that you're one of us now.
That's really nice. I think.
Daddy, we're going to
the sparkly cider room!
Oh.
Hello, passengers.
This is Captain Steve.
As we're approaching
Vegas, a little reminder.
If it's magic you're looking for,
head over to Caesars for
Pascal the Magnificent.
I've seen him myself,
and let me tell you,
the only thing that
man can't make disappear
is the smile on your face.
Boned his wife.
I'm going to get a cup of
joe. You want anything?
- I'll have one, too.
- Get it yourself.
Oh. Captain Dave.
Something I can help you with?
Yeah, I wanted to ask
you to take it easier
- on Ronnie and Bernard.
- Ronnie and Bernard?
You mean those flat-ass soda
machines with bad attitudes?
I don't know why you're
even defending them.
They're just a couple of
losers who should be grateful
to have a job at all. In fact, frankly,
if it was up to me,
they wouldn't.
- You know what?
- What?
Those are my friends
you're talking about.
And I don't care what it costs me,
you will never
take over this flight.
What? You...
Take over this flight?
Why the hell would...?
Oh. This is pathetic.
Did you think that I wanted
to trade routes with you?
- Well, it crossed my...
- No. I mean, a little.
I was never serious about taking
over this godforsaken flight.
I mean, come on, Dave,
look at me, I fly international.
OK, stop calling it
international, Steve.
And let's call it what it is.
It's Canada.
Well, it counts.
They have their own money.
That doesn't even fit in wallets.
It fits in wallets. You
just have to fold the bill!
- What's your problem, man?!
- My problem right now
is I'm talking to
an overrated hack
whose stickwork is pedestrian.
- What did you say?
- I said,
I've seen groundos with
better air feel than you.
You take that back,
you son of a bitch.
Why don't you make me?
Ow! Aah!
What is your face made of?!
You punched him!
Oh. Oh my God. This is amazing.
How is this amazing?
He hit me in the face.
That's good, too, but
I mean, he's screwed now.
It's nothing; it's just a little scrape
- between a couple of pilots.
- But he's not a pilot.
You made him sit in the cabin.
You just assaulted a passenger.
Boom, bitch.
Ooh.
That was weird when you did that.
- It was weird.
- No. Ronald!
Look. Colin gave us
socialist gift bags.
Wow. Looks like you
had a fun weekend.
Oh, you mean the T-shirt?
Yeah, well, they're party
favours from my son's birthday.
He said it was the best
party he'd ever had.
He's also insisted I buy
him the Kidz Bop version of
"Turn Down for What."
I'll see you all in hell!
Seems like you had a pretty
interesting weekend yourself.
Nah. Pretty much the yuje.
Hey. I wanted to thank you
for sticking up for us back there,
even if it meant losing out
on the international job.
Eh, it was nothing.
We're a team, right?
Damn right we are.
Which reminds me,
I have something for you.
It's my phone number.
Just in case you
ever need someone
- to help you move an armoire.
- Thanks.
I actually took your number
off the crew list a while ago.
Creepy.
As a symbolic gesture,
though, this is very nice.
And the good news is,
since Captain Steve has
a broken hand, looks like I'll
be the one flying back to L.A.
No, no, not so fast, cowboy.
You still have a broken wrist.
Bernard called in
another replacement.
Well, whoever it is, they can't
be any worse than Captain Steve.
- Captain Carl.
- Hi.
How are you?
- Oh.
- Oh, damn it.
Corrected by DB