LA to Vegas (2018): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Yips and the Dead - full transcript
A corpse is discovered on board and Captain Dave struggles to land the plane.
What are we looking at?
Unattended bag. We're debating
how long it has to be there
before it's considered suspicious.
The only thing
suspicious about that bag
is why someone would buy it.
It's not dangerous. It's
probably just some girl's.
Some tacky girl's. She's
better off without it.
I don't know. It's not that bad.
You know whose it is?
I bet it's Nichole's.
She doesn't need a bag that size.
She goes to Vegas just to strip.
All her clothes fit in her wallet.
Oh, it could be Artem's, though.
He could've won it
off another gambler.
No, he stopped
accepting luggage as payment
ever since that duffle
bag gave him bedbugs.
I think it's beds
that get Artem bugs.
Well, it's got to be
somebody. Probably that Brit.
What's his name, your make
out buddy from the bathroom?
- Colin.
- I bet it's him.
- British men are basically American women.
- No.
That bag is way too expensive
on a professor's salary.
This is dumb. We can't stand
here all day staring at a bag.
I'm going to call security.
They'll take it away or
explode it or whatever.
Ronnie, don't.
- It's my bag.
- What?
I've been looking for it for
20 minutes, and I come back here
and you guys are talking about
how it's ugly and a girl's bag.
- It's both.
- Sorry.
I was waiting for you
to leave to pick it up,
but you know what?
I am not ashamed.
I am a modern man. I do
not subscribe to labels.
I can own whatever bag I want.
I am Captain Dave, and I
am proud to own a pink tote.
Hot saleslady sold it to you, didn't she?
Ugh, she was so hot, Bernie.
I was trying to impress her.
I haggled her up.
- It was Captain Dave's bag?
- Mm-hmm.
Ronnie is winner!
Drinks are on me tonight!
All right!
Jackpot Airlines.
Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.
Don't you worry. She's here.
- Who?
- Ronnie.
That's the one you're
desperately looking for, yes?
Nope. I was just sitting here
studying up for my
weekend fatherhood duties.
It's like a 48-hour test every week,
and I won't know how I did for 20 years.
Don't lie to me. I'm
a professional gambler.
I read people.
I'm just trying to read my book.
A book. Hey.
You know what book I like?
That one about the girl who's gone
and Ben Affleck had to look for her.
Did you ever watch that book?
"No" feels like the quickest
way to end this conversation.
Hi, Ronnie.
See? Desperately, your head was like...
What just fell out of your
hair? Are those muffin crumbs?
"No" feels like the quickest
way to end this conversation.
Oh, God, I would love
for today to just be easy.
I'd settle for one flight
without any fighting, vomiting,
or fake emotional support animals.
Hey, Darryl isn't
just some duck in a vest.
He's helped a lot of people.
No, I know. He has. I'm sorry.
I'm just, I'm in a weird
mood. I had a date last night.
And it didn't go well?
I wouldn't know.
I didn't actually show up.
I bailed ten minutes before,
then hid my phone
in a box of Kashi GOLEAN
in case he texted back.
Really? Kashi GO--
OK, it was an empty box of wine.
Can we just focus on my
almost dating, please?
I'm sure you had a good
reason for not going.
Yes. And that reason is
I'm a terrible person.
Hello, friends and colleagues.
Guess who has two thumbs, nine toes,
and just nailed an interview
with Aviator Magazine.
That's right, this guy.
Favourite part of flying? Easy, the rush.
If I had one wish? More wishes.
Personal hero? Latinos.
They've been through so mucho.
Yup. It appears old
Captain Dave Pratman here
has been named one of Aviator Magazine's
top ten pilots to watch. So
keep your eyes open, kids.
But don't stare for too long,
because this superstar burns bright.
Well, it sounds like a straight
white guy's doing great.
So at least there's some
justice in the world.
This seat's open.
Oh, these?
They're just coupons for the
club I dance at, Grapefruits.
Free fruit salad with every lap dance.
Oh.
I didn't realise you were sick.
That's fine. You can still come
to the club. Just ask for Danielle.
She can take it.
She beat super gonorrhoea.
Is there a coupon
to make you stop talking?
Ah, long time no see.
Hey. Hi.
Ah, before I forget,
I have something for you.
It's the key lime pie from Foundry.
Well, since you never
showed up to try it,
I thought you might like a piece.
You are the spurned rendezvous.
Oh, that's good. People know.
I was worried it wouldn't
be embarrassing enough.
- There's nothing in here.
- Yeah, that's right.
The key lime pie actually
texted at the last minute
to say it couldn't make it.
- I'm sorry.
I know that I should've
texted you earlier--
It wasn't just the timing,
it was the content.
All you said was, "I just can't."
That's not an explanation.
That's a clue on Dateline.
"Her last text was, 'I just can't.'
Then they found her hand buried
in a dumpster in Jacksonville."
Isn't all of Jacksonville a dumpster?
No? Bad time?
I just don't understand,
Ronnie. We spoke every day.
There was flirting and chemistry
and suggestive emojis.
That wasn't suggestive.
I really was washing an eggplant.
At least finish the text
for me. You just can't what?
You can't find parking?
You can't pick an outfit?
- You just can't what?
- I just can't this.
You want to know
why I cancelled, Colin?
Because you freaked me out, OK?
You freaked me out.
Excuse me.
- Pie? What kind?
- Symbolic key lime.
Oh, I like coconut cream.
- That's nice for you.
- No, it's not.
I'm allergic to coconut.
Ah, Shalom, guys.
- One large beer, please.
- How old are you?
13, but I'm a man tomorrow, so.
- Well, give me a ding in eight years.
- I can't.
Men and women can't be alone
together unless they're married.
Wow. That actually sounds
really good to me right now.
Maybe I should convert.
Well, we're always
looking for girls like you.
This is your captain.
And one of Aviator Magazine's
top ten pilots to watch.
Here to give you
a little reminder.
Just because you pay for sex,
doesn't mean
you have to pay a lot.
So do what I do.
Go to Madame Kitty's
Ranch off the 6,
because you deserve to get a hando
without paying an arm and a leg.
Ten pilots to watch.
Can you believe it?
Lot of big names
have been on that list:
Sully, Travolta, Chewbacca.
The Wookiee?
No, the hairy Austrian
that flies for Delta.
And you know who's
never been on that list?
Stupid Captain Steve.
- Isn't he married to a model?
- Catalogue model.
And this isn't about him.
This is about me.
I tell you, Alan,
this article is the thing
that's finally going to
make my career take off.
- Are you OK?
- Yeah.
That was nothing.
I think it was your fault.
- I'm not touching anything.
- Well, maybe you should've been!
Because everyone believes
that Ben Affleck killed her,
so he has to go to Madea for help.
Turns out the girl is not gone.
No, she is at
Doogie Howser's house.
I thought she was at Barney
from How I Met Your Mother's house.
You read it, too?
What about you my friend?
Hello, friend, are you OK?
Hello?
Oh, no.
Yeah. No.
I think he's Gone Girl.
Ronnie!
- Are we sure he's dead?
- I don't know.
Bernard took the emergency
manual; he's checking.
Yep, he's super dead.
I never had anyone
die on my watch before.
We should cover
him with something.
We could cover him
with my Hogwarts cloak.
Damn it, Alan, no one
cares about Star Trek.
Even if we wanted to use
Alan's gross cloak, we can't.
Airline protocol says we can't
officially acknowledge death
on the plane. We have to
wait until we land.
Then he's pronounced
dead on the tarmac.
- That's how I want to go.
- It's probably best not to draw
any more attention to him anyway.
We don't want any
of the other passengers
to start freaking out.
Like that chick?
It was the Ruth Bader
Ginsburg comment, wasn't it?
That's what freaked you out.
I was joking.
Of course I believe she
has legs under that robe.
I can't even describe
how not the time this is.
You can't just tell
somebody they freaked you out
and then drop it.
It lacks couth.
- You lack couth.
- I have a butt load of couth!
You were just so damn intense, OK?
Like when we were
planning the dinner.
It should be pretty
simple, right? I counted.
You sent me 14 Yelp pages,
five different menus,
and one article
about how L.A. is
in the middle of a pickle boom?
Renaissance. Pickle renaissance.
Hi. I think my button's broken.
Nichole, did you need something?
Yeah. Look,
I don't want to be a pain,
but is there anything
you can do about--
I'm sorry. It's a full flight.
There's nowhere to put him,
and we're trying to be discreet.
But I do have
something I think will help.
These were in the "Lost and Found".
"YOLO." So true.
OK.
There's got to be
something you can do
to make me feel better about this.
- What do you mean?
- Well, like, in college,
if your roommate dies,
you get straight A's
for the rest of the semester.
I would know because my roommate
actually tried to kill herself,
but totally blew it
at the last second.
It got me so upset, I don't
even want to talk about it.
Wait, were you upset because she
tried or because it didn't work?
No, Ronnie, because she
broke the ceiling fan.
Look, all I'm saying is
that some people might say
that a dead seat-mate
is way more traumatic
than a dead roommate.
Fine. How about I
start counting strippers
as military for
early boarding purposes?
Great. People are always
thanking me for my service.
Landing.
Landing. No problem.
Done it a million times before.
- What the hell?
- Why are your hands all weird?
Why do you keep paying
so much attention to me?
- Are you in love with me?
- No.
- This is the back of the plane.
- What are you doing back here?
Well, Captain Dave said I was
getting a little too worked up,
- so I needed a juice time-out.
- Oh, fine. Here.
Just dilute it with water
so you don't go hyper again.
Oh.
OK. So Nichole
seems to be under control.
- How is Artem handling it?
- Well--
I feel so guilty.
Do you know my first
thought when I saw he's dead?
I should've made
airplane death pool.
I'm a terrible person.
I feel no better.
This duck is broken.
He'll be fine. Darryl's a pro.
Call me crazy, but I think
we're actually going to
get away with this.
What?
Hey, what the
hell are you doing?
Everything's OK.
The dead guy's alive.
That's not the dead guy.
This is the dead guy.
And that, everyone,
is why you should always
turn off your cell phones.
So true.
To anyone feeling
uneasy don't worry
we'll be starting our
descent at any moment.
And for the rest of you, I
can't believe I have to say this,
please stop taking
selfies with the body.
- You look bummed.
-Yeah.
A man's death forces you
to consider your own legacy.
And for me, that legacy
is a black-hearted coward,
confused with the
films of Ben Affleck.
Well, there's still
time to change that.
The Talmud says a man's legacy
is not sealed upon his death,
but upon every
moment which he lives.
- Oh, that's comforting.
- Yeah.
- And Talmud says that?
- I don't know.
People listen to you more when
you say the Talmud says it.
No one's actually read it,
so no one can call you out.
Thank you. I feel much better.
Yeah.
Hey, can you get me a beer?
No, you cannot trick me,
little policeman.
- Ronnie?
- Yeah.
Hi. Since the secret's out,
could you do
something about this?
Just hang tight, OK?
We're going to be
landing any minute.
Just be normal!
Can you please just move him?
I can suppress anything, but
even I'm reaching my limit here.
OK.
Ooh. You want to play
a game? Heads or tails?
Heads?
Yeah, I'm not sure
this game had a winner.
I'm sorry you're stuck doing this.
I asked Bernard for help,
but he just reminded me
how much his hand cream
cost, then walked away.
It's quite all right. In many ways,
this is the perfect metaphor for us.
Oh. Pretty quippy for a
guy holding a dead body.
I am pretending he is a rug.
I'm pretending
I've never done this before.
All right, what's going on?
Nothing.
What are you talking about?
Tell me. Or I'll tell
everyone what happened
- the night we were grounded in Billings.
- You wouldn't.
We both agreed
Billings was a mistake.
OK, look. When I was in high school,
I was a star football
player, big man on campus.
Hands down, the best
punter in the district.
In fact,
it was my punt that got us
into the state championship game.
- That sounds wrong.
- It was right after that game
that I got a hitch
in my kicking motion.
Almost like a stutter kick.
You're talking about the yips.
It was the most
challenging time of my life.
That was the most
challenging time of your life?
I watched my neighbour drown.
The point is, the same thing's
happening to me right now.
Every time I grab my yoke,
my hands go crazy.
I can't land this thing.
Well, if we're going to die,
I'm going to have some carbs.
Ugh! God.
Thank you.
And I am sorry for cancelling.
In retrospect,
I should've just said
"Let's bang one out and
hit the pancake house."
I like pancake's house.
Look, Colin,
we're just too different.
I really did us a favour
by not showing up.
It's like when you know a
massive storm is rolling in.
You don't fly into it.
They cancel, and you go get
drunk at the airport bar.
Out of curiosity, how
many of your analogies end
with "and get drunk
in the airport bar"?
Ronnie, we have a problem.
And it's not even that.
- The yips?
- Would everyone please
stop saying that word?
I have dead body
all over my hands.
I will use whatever word I want.
Why don't you just
let Alan land the plane?
Because Aviator Magazine named
me a top ten pilot to watch.
The only list Alan is on is the
top ten people who can suck it.
Ew. God.
Alan.
We need you, buddy. You're up.
Me?
Yeah.
Oh, my God!
Out of the way, out of the way!
It's OK, everyone.
According to the manual,
he's still alive.
Just curious.
How terrified should we be
about all of this?
Depends. You know
how to cure the yips?
Wait, my friend Krystal had that.
Her fingers kept locking up
every time she tried
to unsnap her bra.
She had to stop dancing but
now she runs the club's day care,
Little Grapefruits.
I still can't believe they
got approved as a Montessori.
- So what are you going to do?
- Oh, God.
All right.
We're landing this plane.
- Oh, you can fly. Thank God.
- No, but you can.
And I am going to
help you through it.
This all started with the
magazine article, right?
That's good.
That means it's all mental,
just like your high
school football thing.
So how did you get over
it when you were a punter?
I quit the team,
transferred schools,
and now can't go near a football
without having a panic attack.
OK. That's not helpful.
I guess the best way to get
over this is to quit Jackpot,
switch careers and
become a train conductor.
Conductor Dave.
Yeah, that sounds good.
I'll be one of Railroad Magazine's
top ten conductors to watch.
Oh, God, the pressure.
I can't land this train!
Oh, my God.
This is the most depressing
travel experience I've ever
had, and I was on the Titanic.
Movie set.
Billy Zane has some demons.
I'd never seen
a dead body before.
In Britain,
you try to die like a cat:
in a quiet corner,
burdening no one.
Yeah, listen up, everybody.
Enough sadness.
This man is dead, but we are not.
And if I have learned anything
from this tiny rabbi here today,
it is that we must make
most of life while we have it!
So come, let us all celebrate
that we're not dead, or Alan.
No. Let us rejoice.
♪ Hava nagila? ♪
♪ Hava nagila ♪
♪ Ve-nis'mecha ♪
- Yeah! ♪ Hava ♪
- ♪ Hava ♪
♪ Nagila, hava nagila ♪
♪ Hava nagila ♪
♪ Ve-nis'mecha ♪
♪ Hava nagila, hava nagila... ♪
Look, I know this whole top ten
thing has gotten to your head.
But that's not pressure.
Real pressure is safely
flying a plane full of people
who are all counting on you
to get them to their jobs,
to get them to their families,
to get them to the people
they're going to help.
And you already
do that every day.
So put aside the what-ifs
and all the ways this could
go wrong, and just do it.
Jackpot 320,
you are cleared to land.
So what do you think, Captain?
You want to land this thing?
Las Vegas tower,
this is Jackpot 3-2-0.
Mark her inbound.
Ready to land.
Ah!
Yeah! We did it!
We're going to Vegas!
Hello, passengers.
Sorry for the delay;
wasn't my fault.
Welcome to Las Vegas.
It's called
Grapefruits, and yeah,
as long as you have
a letter from a rabbi
saying you're a man,
they'll totally let you in.
♪ Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
we made you out of clay ♪
♪ Hello, hello bagels,
all will come our way ♪
♪ Hey! ♪
Colin. Colin, hi.
Hey, I've been thinking.
Let's do it. You and me.
Let's put aside
all the what-ifs
and all things
that could go wrong,
and the public
arguments in restaurants,
the breakups, the makeups,
the pregnancy scares,
so many pregnancy scares.
So I say let's
fly into the storm,
let it tear the plane apart,
and see if we both survive.
What do you think?
You want to do this thing?
No. That sounds awful.
Why would we put ourselves
through any of that?
Up till now, our relationship
has been 90% fighting,
seven percent
holding a dead body,
and three percent making
out in a tiny bathroom.
This isn't going to work.
Yeah.
- Yep. Yeah, you're right.
- Yeah?
You're totally right.
I think I was just coming off
a high from landing the plane,
but now that you say it,
it makes sense.
Well OK. I'll see you Sunday.
Hello. This is
Captain Dave Pratman,
top ten pilot to watch, returning
a call about a photo shoot tomorrow.
Just want to confirm
that it's not a practical joke.
I've been burned before.
Great.
I like it dirty. And I
don't mean the Martini.
This is the smoking section.
Boom.
Synced and corrected by DB.
Unattended bag. We're debating
how long it has to be there
before it's considered suspicious.
The only thing
suspicious about that bag
is why someone would buy it.
It's not dangerous. It's
probably just some girl's.
Some tacky girl's. She's
better off without it.
I don't know. It's not that bad.
You know whose it is?
I bet it's Nichole's.
She doesn't need a bag that size.
She goes to Vegas just to strip.
All her clothes fit in her wallet.
Oh, it could be Artem's, though.
He could've won it
off another gambler.
No, he stopped
accepting luggage as payment
ever since that duffle
bag gave him bedbugs.
I think it's beds
that get Artem bugs.
Well, it's got to be
somebody. Probably that Brit.
What's his name, your make
out buddy from the bathroom?
- Colin.
- I bet it's him.
- British men are basically American women.
- No.
That bag is way too expensive
on a professor's salary.
This is dumb. We can't stand
here all day staring at a bag.
I'm going to call security.
They'll take it away or
explode it or whatever.
Ronnie, don't.
- It's my bag.
- What?
I've been looking for it for
20 minutes, and I come back here
and you guys are talking about
how it's ugly and a girl's bag.
- It's both.
- Sorry.
I was waiting for you
to leave to pick it up,
but you know what?
I am not ashamed.
I am a modern man. I do
not subscribe to labels.
I can own whatever bag I want.
I am Captain Dave, and I
am proud to own a pink tote.
Hot saleslady sold it to you, didn't she?
Ugh, she was so hot, Bernie.
I was trying to impress her.
I haggled her up.
- It was Captain Dave's bag?
- Mm-hmm.
Ronnie is winner!
Drinks are on me tonight!
All right!
Jackpot Airlines.
Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.
Don't you worry. She's here.
- Who?
- Ronnie.
That's the one you're
desperately looking for, yes?
Nope. I was just sitting here
studying up for my
weekend fatherhood duties.
It's like a 48-hour test every week,
and I won't know how I did for 20 years.
Don't lie to me. I'm
a professional gambler.
I read people.
I'm just trying to read my book.
A book. Hey.
You know what book I like?
That one about the girl who's gone
and Ben Affleck had to look for her.
Did you ever watch that book?
"No" feels like the quickest
way to end this conversation.
Hi, Ronnie.
See? Desperately, your head was like...
What just fell out of your
hair? Are those muffin crumbs?
"No" feels like the quickest
way to end this conversation.
Oh, God, I would love
for today to just be easy.
I'd settle for one flight
without any fighting, vomiting,
or fake emotional support animals.
Hey, Darryl isn't
just some duck in a vest.
He's helped a lot of people.
No, I know. He has. I'm sorry.
I'm just, I'm in a weird
mood. I had a date last night.
And it didn't go well?
I wouldn't know.
I didn't actually show up.
I bailed ten minutes before,
then hid my phone
in a box of Kashi GOLEAN
in case he texted back.
Really? Kashi GO--
OK, it was an empty box of wine.
Can we just focus on my
almost dating, please?
I'm sure you had a good
reason for not going.
Yes. And that reason is
I'm a terrible person.
Hello, friends and colleagues.
Guess who has two thumbs, nine toes,
and just nailed an interview
with Aviator Magazine.
That's right, this guy.
Favourite part of flying? Easy, the rush.
If I had one wish? More wishes.
Personal hero? Latinos.
They've been through so mucho.
Yup. It appears old
Captain Dave Pratman here
has been named one of Aviator Magazine's
top ten pilots to watch. So
keep your eyes open, kids.
But don't stare for too long,
because this superstar burns bright.
Well, it sounds like a straight
white guy's doing great.
So at least there's some
justice in the world.
This seat's open.
Oh, these?
They're just coupons for the
club I dance at, Grapefruits.
Free fruit salad with every lap dance.
Oh.
I didn't realise you were sick.
That's fine. You can still come
to the club. Just ask for Danielle.
She can take it.
She beat super gonorrhoea.
Is there a coupon
to make you stop talking?
Ah, long time no see.
Hey. Hi.
Ah, before I forget,
I have something for you.
It's the key lime pie from Foundry.
Well, since you never
showed up to try it,
I thought you might like a piece.
You are the spurned rendezvous.
Oh, that's good. People know.
I was worried it wouldn't
be embarrassing enough.
- There's nothing in here.
- Yeah, that's right.
The key lime pie actually
texted at the last minute
to say it couldn't make it.
- I'm sorry.
I know that I should've
texted you earlier--
It wasn't just the timing,
it was the content.
All you said was, "I just can't."
That's not an explanation.
That's a clue on Dateline.
"Her last text was, 'I just can't.'
Then they found her hand buried
in a dumpster in Jacksonville."
Isn't all of Jacksonville a dumpster?
No? Bad time?
I just don't understand,
Ronnie. We spoke every day.
There was flirting and chemistry
and suggestive emojis.
That wasn't suggestive.
I really was washing an eggplant.
At least finish the text
for me. You just can't what?
You can't find parking?
You can't pick an outfit?
- You just can't what?
- I just can't this.
You want to know
why I cancelled, Colin?
Because you freaked me out, OK?
You freaked me out.
Excuse me.
- Pie? What kind?
- Symbolic key lime.
Oh, I like coconut cream.
- That's nice for you.
- No, it's not.
I'm allergic to coconut.
Ah, Shalom, guys.
- One large beer, please.
- How old are you?
13, but I'm a man tomorrow, so.
- Well, give me a ding in eight years.
- I can't.
Men and women can't be alone
together unless they're married.
Wow. That actually sounds
really good to me right now.
Maybe I should convert.
Well, we're always
looking for girls like you.
This is your captain.
And one of Aviator Magazine's
top ten pilots to watch.
Here to give you
a little reminder.
Just because you pay for sex,
doesn't mean
you have to pay a lot.
So do what I do.
Go to Madame Kitty's
Ranch off the 6,
because you deserve to get a hando
without paying an arm and a leg.
Ten pilots to watch.
Can you believe it?
Lot of big names
have been on that list:
Sully, Travolta, Chewbacca.
The Wookiee?
No, the hairy Austrian
that flies for Delta.
And you know who's
never been on that list?
Stupid Captain Steve.
- Isn't he married to a model?
- Catalogue model.
And this isn't about him.
This is about me.
I tell you, Alan,
this article is the thing
that's finally going to
make my career take off.
- Are you OK?
- Yeah.
That was nothing.
I think it was your fault.
- I'm not touching anything.
- Well, maybe you should've been!
Because everyone believes
that Ben Affleck killed her,
so he has to go to Madea for help.
Turns out the girl is not gone.
No, she is at
Doogie Howser's house.
I thought she was at Barney
from How I Met Your Mother's house.
You read it, too?
What about you my friend?
Hello, friend, are you OK?
Hello?
Oh, no.
Yeah. No.
I think he's Gone Girl.
Ronnie!
- Are we sure he's dead?
- I don't know.
Bernard took the emergency
manual; he's checking.
Yep, he's super dead.
I never had anyone
die on my watch before.
We should cover
him with something.
We could cover him
with my Hogwarts cloak.
Damn it, Alan, no one
cares about Star Trek.
Even if we wanted to use
Alan's gross cloak, we can't.
Airline protocol says we can't
officially acknowledge death
on the plane. We have to
wait until we land.
Then he's pronounced
dead on the tarmac.
- That's how I want to go.
- It's probably best not to draw
any more attention to him anyway.
We don't want any
of the other passengers
to start freaking out.
Like that chick?
It was the Ruth Bader
Ginsburg comment, wasn't it?
That's what freaked you out.
I was joking.
Of course I believe she
has legs under that robe.
I can't even describe
how not the time this is.
You can't just tell
somebody they freaked you out
and then drop it.
It lacks couth.
- You lack couth.
- I have a butt load of couth!
You were just so damn intense, OK?
Like when we were
planning the dinner.
It should be pretty
simple, right? I counted.
You sent me 14 Yelp pages,
five different menus,
and one article
about how L.A. is
in the middle of a pickle boom?
Renaissance. Pickle renaissance.
Hi. I think my button's broken.
Nichole, did you need something?
Yeah. Look,
I don't want to be a pain,
but is there anything
you can do about--
I'm sorry. It's a full flight.
There's nowhere to put him,
and we're trying to be discreet.
But I do have
something I think will help.
These were in the "Lost and Found".
"YOLO." So true.
OK.
There's got to be
something you can do
to make me feel better about this.
- What do you mean?
- Well, like, in college,
if your roommate dies,
you get straight A's
for the rest of the semester.
I would know because my roommate
actually tried to kill herself,
but totally blew it
at the last second.
It got me so upset, I don't
even want to talk about it.
Wait, were you upset because she
tried or because it didn't work?
No, Ronnie, because she
broke the ceiling fan.
Look, all I'm saying is
that some people might say
that a dead seat-mate
is way more traumatic
than a dead roommate.
Fine. How about I
start counting strippers
as military for
early boarding purposes?
Great. People are always
thanking me for my service.
Landing.
Landing. No problem.
Done it a million times before.
- What the hell?
- Why are your hands all weird?
Why do you keep paying
so much attention to me?
- Are you in love with me?
- No.
- This is the back of the plane.
- What are you doing back here?
Well, Captain Dave said I was
getting a little too worked up,
- so I needed a juice time-out.
- Oh, fine. Here.
Just dilute it with water
so you don't go hyper again.
Oh.
OK. So Nichole
seems to be under control.
- How is Artem handling it?
- Well--
I feel so guilty.
Do you know my first
thought when I saw he's dead?
I should've made
airplane death pool.
I'm a terrible person.
I feel no better.
This duck is broken.
He'll be fine. Darryl's a pro.
Call me crazy, but I think
we're actually going to
get away with this.
What?
Hey, what the
hell are you doing?
Everything's OK.
The dead guy's alive.
That's not the dead guy.
This is the dead guy.
And that, everyone,
is why you should always
turn off your cell phones.
So true.
To anyone feeling
uneasy don't worry
we'll be starting our
descent at any moment.
And for the rest of you, I
can't believe I have to say this,
please stop taking
selfies with the body.
- You look bummed.
-Yeah.
A man's death forces you
to consider your own legacy.
And for me, that legacy
is a black-hearted coward,
confused with the
films of Ben Affleck.
Well, there's still
time to change that.
The Talmud says a man's legacy
is not sealed upon his death,
but upon every
moment which he lives.
- Oh, that's comforting.
- Yeah.
- And Talmud says that?
- I don't know.
People listen to you more when
you say the Talmud says it.
No one's actually read it,
so no one can call you out.
Thank you. I feel much better.
Yeah.
Hey, can you get me a beer?
No, you cannot trick me,
little policeman.
- Ronnie?
- Yeah.
Hi. Since the secret's out,
could you do
something about this?
Just hang tight, OK?
We're going to be
landing any minute.
Just be normal!
Can you please just move him?
I can suppress anything, but
even I'm reaching my limit here.
OK.
Ooh. You want to play
a game? Heads or tails?
Heads?
Yeah, I'm not sure
this game had a winner.
I'm sorry you're stuck doing this.
I asked Bernard for help,
but he just reminded me
how much his hand cream
cost, then walked away.
It's quite all right. In many ways,
this is the perfect metaphor for us.
Oh. Pretty quippy for a
guy holding a dead body.
I am pretending he is a rug.
I'm pretending
I've never done this before.
All right, what's going on?
Nothing.
What are you talking about?
Tell me. Or I'll tell
everyone what happened
- the night we were grounded in Billings.
- You wouldn't.
We both agreed
Billings was a mistake.
OK, look. When I was in high school,
I was a star football
player, big man on campus.
Hands down, the best
punter in the district.
In fact,
it was my punt that got us
into the state championship game.
- That sounds wrong.
- It was right after that game
that I got a hitch
in my kicking motion.
Almost like a stutter kick.
You're talking about the yips.
It was the most
challenging time of my life.
That was the most
challenging time of your life?
I watched my neighbour drown.
The point is, the same thing's
happening to me right now.
Every time I grab my yoke,
my hands go crazy.
I can't land this thing.
Well, if we're going to die,
I'm going to have some carbs.
Ugh! God.
Thank you.
And I am sorry for cancelling.
In retrospect,
I should've just said
"Let's bang one out and
hit the pancake house."
I like pancake's house.
Look, Colin,
we're just too different.
I really did us a favour
by not showing up.
It's like when you know a
massive storm is rolling in.
You don't fly into it.
They cancel, and you go get
drunk at the airport bar.
Out of curiosity, how
many of your analogies end
with "and get drunk
in the airport bar"?
Ronnie, we have a problem.
And it's not even that.
- The yips?
- Would everyone please
stop saying that word?
I have dead body
all over my hands.
I will use whatever word I want.
Why don't you just
let Alan land the plane?
Because Aviator Magazine named
me a top ten pilot to watch.
The only list Alan is on is the
top ten people who can suck it.
Ew. God.
Alan.
We need you, buddy. You're up.
Me?
Yeah.
Oh, my God!
Out of the way, out of the way!
It's OK, everyone.
According to the manual,
he's still alive.
Just curious.
How terrified should we be
about all of this?
Depends. You know
how to cure the yips?
Wait, my friend Krystal had that.
Her fingers kept locking up
every time she tried
to unsnap her bra.
She had to stop dancing but
now she runs the club's day care,
Little Grapefruits.
I still can't believe they
got approved as a Montessori.
- So what are you going to do?
- Oh, God.
All right.
We're landing this plane.
- Oh, you can fly. Thank God.
- No, but you can.
And I am going to
help you through it.
This all started with the
magazine article, right?
That's good.
That means it's all mental,
just like your high
school football thing.
So how did you get over
it when you were a punter?
I quit the team,
transferred schools,
and now can't go near a football
without having a panic attack.
OK. That's not helpful.
I guess the best way to get
over this is to quit Jackpot,
switch careers and
become a train conductor.
Conductor Dave.
Yeah, that sounds good.
I'll be one of Railroad Magazine's
top ten conductors to watch.
Oh, God, the pressure.
I can't land this train!
Oh, my God.
This is the most depressing
travel experience I've ever
had, and I was on the Titanic.
Movie set.
Billy Zane has some demons.
I'd never seen
a dead body before.
In Britain,
you try to die like a cat:
in a quiet corner,
burdening no one.
Yeah, listen up, everybody.
Enough sadness.
This man is dead, but we are not.
And if I have learned anything
from this tiny rabbi here today,
it is that we must make
most of life while we have it!
So come, let us all celebrate
that we're not dead, or Alan.
No. Let us rejoice.
♪ Hava nagila? ♪
♪ Hava nagila ♪
♪ Ve-nis'mecha ♪
- Yeah! ♪ Hava ♪
- ♪ Hava ♪
♪ Nagila, hava nagila ♪
♪ Hava nagila ♪
♪ Ve-nis'mecha ♪
♪ Hava nagila, hava nagila... ♪
Look, I know this whole top ten
thing has gotten to your head.
But that's not pressure.
Real pressure is safely
flying a plane full of people
who are all counting on you
to get them to their jobs,
to get them to their families,
to get them to the people
they're going to help.
And you already
do that every day.
So put aside the what-ifs
and all the ways this could
go wrong, and just do it.
Jackpot 320,
you are cleared to land.
So what do you think, Captain?
You want to land this thing?
Las Vegas tower,
this is Jackpot 3-2-0.
Mark her inbound.
Ready to land.
Ah!
Yeah! We did it!
We're going to Vegas!
Hello, passengers.
Sorry for the delay;
wasn't my fault.
Welcome to Las Vegas.
It's called
Grapefruits, and yeah,
as long as you have
a letter from a rabbi
saying you're a man,
they'll totally let you in.
♪ Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
we made you out of clay ♪
♪ Hello, hello bagels,
all will come our way ♪
♪ Hey! ♪
Colin. Colin, hi.
Hey, I've been thinking.
Let's do it. You and me.
Let's put aside
all the what-ifs
and all things
that could go wrong,
and the public
arguments in restaurants,
the breakups, the makeups,
the pregnancy scares,
so many pregnancy scares.
So I say let's
fly into the storm,
let it tear the plane apart,
and see if we both survive.
What do you think?
You want to do this thing?
No. That sounds awful.
Why would we put ourselves
through any of that?
Up till now, our relationship
has been 90% fighting,
seven percent
holding a dead body,
and three percent making
out in a tiny bathroom.
This isn't going to work.
Yeah.
- Yep. Yeah, you're right.
- Yeah?
You're totally right.
I think I was just coming off
a high from landing the plane,
but now that you say it,
it makes sense.
Well OK. I'll see you Sunday.
Hello. This is
Captain Dave Pratman,
top ten pilot to watch, returning
a call about a photo shoot tomorrow.
Just want to confirm
that it's not a practical joke.
I've been burned before.
Great.
I like it dirty. And I
don't mean the Martini.
This is the smoking section.
Boom.
Synced and corrected by DB.