LA to Vegas (2018): Season 1, Episode 12 - Training Day - full transcript

Hey, guys.

Ronnie, where's your uniform?
You look like a pheasant.

You mean peasant.
She looks like a peasant.

- Pheasant is a bird.
- I'm so confused.

When I was a boy,
we used to hunt both.

I'm not working today.

Actually, me and Bernard and Dave

are flying over to Phoenix
for Jackpot training.

Jackpot training.
What, you need a refresher

on how to tip a can when you pour a drink?

Are you sure you want
to be that condescending



to the people who pour you those drinks?

I instantly regretted it. I'm truly sorry.

- You're a national treasure.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, to be honest, it's called training,

but it's really two days of partying,

- drinking out of ice luges.
- And sexual assignations.

Last year, we went through

- two Olympic villages worth of condoms.
- Mm-hmm.

You see, Jackpot doesn't
do things like bonuses

or health insurance
or bathroom breaks,

so this is their unofficial
way of making it up to us.

Grapefruits' training is
just a few dance lessons

and how to say "help" in Russian

in case you wake up in
a shipping container.



Hmm.

I can see by your sad faces

you've been delivered the bad news.

Your flight today will be lacking

a certain je ne sais Dave.

That's French for moi.

Come on, fellows. We got a party to get to.

Did he just drive away on his suitcase?

Wow, it carries your
stuff and you can ride it.

Sorry, donkeys, you had a good run.

Jackpot Airlines.

Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.

This couldn't be coming at a better time.

After these last few months,

I could use two days of
guilt-free sanctioned partying.

Looks like you already
started. What is that?

A Bakersfield mimosa.

Sparkling wine and orange
Jell-O mix. You want some?

Hey, you're using
the purse I got you.

No, thank you, Ronnie.

I want to be alert and clear-eyed

for my pending rendezvous
with flight attendant tonight

and flight attendant tomorrow.

I have no intention of
learning their names.

Your loss. Dave?

No. I have a cigar and snifter of scotch

waiting for me when I get
upstairs to meet the boys.

It's going to feel real good
to kick back, light one up,

and trade stories with
Captain Gus and Captain Al.

Oh, look. There's your hallway

back to the golden age for white guys.

Tell the misogyny we say hi.

I will.

I'm so excited, Bernard.

I heard this year there's
going to be a martini station,

a mashed potato bar,

and a surprising amount of
those bummer desk, chair things.

How the hell are we supposed
to have sex on those?

Never mind, I figured it out.

Hi. Hi. Excuse me. You look official.

What's going on? Where's the bar?

Oh, sorry Ronnie.

There's not going to be a bar this year.

OK, so what are you
saying? It's just kegs?

No, what I'm saying is
that the parties are off.

Jackpot has had a significant number

of complaints lodged
against them this year,

so they brought me in to
implement a new policy.

This training seminar is going to be

structured, rigid and mandatory.

Fun's over.

I'm going to sulk in a sex desk.

It's Captain Dave time.

Are you the flight instructor?

Hi, I'm Captain Jayden.

I'm not your-- What's a Jayden?
Where's Gus and Al?

How come I'm not choking
on cigar smoke right now?

Hunter, Aden, Jayden, can we get
this guy a chair and some water?

He's confused.
Sir, it's going to be OK.

- Captain Dave.
- Oh, Phil. Thank God.

Did I walk into day care?
Where's the crew?

Sorry, Dave. I thought you heard.

You're the last of the old guard.

Now that Al's with United and
Gus is reunited with his wife,

you're training with all
the newbies this year.

That's no problem.
We're all pilots.

We all speak the same language.

Hey there, boys.
Sorry for the confusion.

What are you drinking
over here? Macallan? Glenlivet?

- Kombucha.
- Gesundheit.

So, I spoke to the gate agent.

Apparently somebody tampered
with the smoke detectors.

Ugh. That happens all the time.

Usually Ronnie and
Bernard just go in
Ugh. That happens all the time.

Usually Ronnie and
Bernard just go in

with a pack of Kools
and smoke it back online.

Huh. Well, clearly
the replacement crew

don't know that trick, so
we're going to be delayed a while.

Hey, Artem, bad news.

We're not making it back
to L.A. anytime soon,

so you have to find someone
to run your hot sauce booth

- at the farmer's market.
- Shh. I'm concentrating.

That slot machine has
not paid out in weeks.

And according to my numbers,

in the next 200 spins,
there will be a huge payout.

And that payout is
more than $100,000.

Well, the problem is that old lady.

She hasn't moved for hours.

She's very stubborn,
like stain in a Tide commercial.

Hey, if we help you
get that machine,

will you split the winnings
with us? I could use the money.

Grapefruits has really
been struggling ever since

that taco place went topless.

Well, yeah. And I want to
put a down payment on a house.

I could be that rarest of unicorns:

a homeowner and an educator.

OK, you got a deal.

We can split the money, if
you can get that old lady off.

Well, then we better get
that old lady off quick.

Let's maybe stop talking
about getting an old lady off.

I can't believe they're
treating us like this.

No one needs this
party more than me.

I don't know,

except maybe the person
who does most of your work.

Jean Chris, my exfoliator?
Please. He loves what he does.

Hey, this is a bummer for
everyone. We all needed this.

Yeah. I'm furious.

What am I going to do
with all these shrooms?

- I think you ate them.
- Oh, yeah.

Well, what am I going to do
with all these shrooms?

OK, that Jackpot Reno crew

- knows how to party.
- Is terrifying.

Everyone, take your seats.

So, you've all heard about
the revamped training.

Up here, you'll see the revised itinerary.

We'll start every day 7:00 a.m--

OK, I have to say something.

This is total horse crap.

We all work our asses off,

and we deserve two days
a year to enjoy ourselves.

There have been quite a few--

Complaints. Yes, I know.

But, news flash, we're an airline.

Of course we're
going to have complaints.

People hate lines, hassles
and facing their own mortality,

and we make them
pay for all three.

So we demand to know
what was so bad

that now we're being punished.

Yeah!

OK. I didn't really
want to single anybody out,

but since you demand to know

what caught our attention,
here it is.

Sir, I'm sorry.

You won't stay in your seat,
so you've given us no choice.

Thank you for flying Jackpot.

Two million hits, though.
That's pretty cool.

Hey guys.

Wow, it is rough out here.
No one will even look at us.

I know. Is this what it
feels like to be a seven?

Answer me, Ronnie.

What are you doing?
You can't sit here.

What, you're pissed at
us, too? Oh, come on.

Who hasn't had to duct tape
a passenger to his seat?

We were just unlucky
enough to get caught.

I've never been caught
because I've never done that.

Yeah, because you fly
the Albuquerque to Vegas.

It's all stoic cowboys
and rustic lesbians.

Well, we'll make it up to you.
We'll have our own party.

I'll make Bakersfield Marys.
It's just vodka and ketchup.

You should find
somewhere else to sit.

Why don't you try the Reno table?

And then Gus said, "I don't
care if it's just my head"

and your boxers,
I can still fly this plane."

And they let him.
It was a different time.

I don't think I get it.

So he flew in his underwear?

No, my underwear.

That's why it's such a good story.

Now, a good story is the time
I flew from Newark to Dulles

in 1:12 at a 30-knot wind shear.

No. You didn't. Stop it.
Tell me everything.

Yeah. Yeah. I can't believe
I haven't told you this.

I would love to hear more.

You guys look like I feel.

Well, not you, Bernard.
You're always a stunner.

What happened to you?

Ugh.

Just these young guys.

They look at me
like I'm a fossil.

They don't appreciate
my war stories.

All they care
about is their stats.

They don't get
that flying is about

the shared human experience.

No one has ever gotten
off a plane and said,

"Oh, I'm so glad
we got here so quickly."

- Yes, they have.
- That's literally all people say.

At least everyone isn't pissed
at you for ruining their party.

Yeah. Heard about that.

So one person got
duct taped, big deal.

We never claimed to be
the friendly skies.

I guess it's just the three
of us versus the Jackpot world.

We have to stick together
till this is over.

Yeah. If we're
going to survive this,

we need to be like Lew
Wasserman and Jules Stein

when MCA turned its back on them.

I'm agreeing with you.

We have to stick together.

For the love of God,
man, just say that!

Oh, we're now
in payout window.

Every spin could
bring big money.

Artem. I got this.

I used to work in
the British Tea Museum.

The median age was 82.

I spent my days
leading elderly ladies

down chamomile-scented halls,
steeping them in the history

of our national beverage
and dusting their crumpets.

I got lost in that story.

- Is he going to bang that old lady?
- Yeah.

Hey!

Get it!

Ah. Mwah.

Nichole, you are the luckiest,

both spiritually and genetically.

You give her a pull.

- No!
- What?!

- What happened?
- Sorry about that.

I was working on this machine

and I must've tripped the circuit.

It'll just be a little while.

What?

Oh, this?

It's just 1.2 pounds
of timekeeping magic.

It's my IWC Big Pilot's watch.

- The Rolex of wristwatches.
- That's nothing.

Take a look at this.

This baby monitors
my body temperature,

monitors my serotonin levels.

I can Bluetooth it to
the on-flight computer

so I can track my performance.

You can probably even link
it up to your hearing aid.

Well, I have you know
my hearing was injured

from all my standing ovations I get

from my L.A. to Vegas flight.

Also, from my time as a roadie
for The Huh, a Who cover band.

Wait, you fly the L.A. to Vegas?

So do you know those
two flight attendants

that they caught on camera?

Yeah. Ronnie and Bernard.

That's my crew.

Oh, my God. They seem crazy.

You must have, like, a hundred stories.

Oh, I might have one or two.

There was one time when they
buried an unruly passenger

under a pile of rolly bags.

Oh, that's nothing.

I've seen those two use
defibrillator paddles

to make a grilled cheese.

- I'm lactose intolerant.
- Yeah, we all are, Carter.

- Shut up. He's holding court.
- Yeah, shut up, Carter.

Sorry for the delay.

Jackpot Flight 1610 service
to Los Angeles is now boarding.

That's our flight.

Sir, how much longer before
that machine gets fixed?

Hey, these things take time, man.

Well, then that's it.
Yeah. Let's go home.

So much for being a
unicorn with a mortgage.

Guess I'm back to
being a horse who rents.

Well, we can't give up.

Since the delay,

we're out $72 on overpriced
airport hamburgers,

$21 on water bottles and $11
on Artem's Judith Krantz book.

Yeah. They say her books are formulaic,

but when the formula is perfect--

We're in too deep.

We started something
and we have to finish it.

I say we ditch the flight

and wait for the machine
to be fixed. Who's with me?

- I am.
- Is this really going to hit?

Oh, it's going to hit big.

Then I'm in.

Who has a fun way
to pass the time?

"It was never more difficult

for a woman to be beautiful

than during the 1920s."

Hey, why do you think Layla just
called us in for this meeting?

Whatever it is, just deny.

Like Bjorn, my Swedish
orthopaedist, does to our love.

Ronnie. Bernard.

We would like to have
a little chat with you

about some of the stories
that we have been hearing.

We had assumed the video
was an isolated incident.

But among other things,

there's talk of smothering
a passenger with luggage

and a culinary
use of the defibrillators.

What do you have
to say for yourselves?

- I--
- We did every single
one of those things,

and I'd do every single one again.

I just realised
I do not know this bitch.

When we're in the air,

we have to act quickly
for the safety of everyone.

And sometimes that
means grilling a cheese

for a screaming kid or
using 18 pounds of luggage

for a woman who forgot
her weighted blanket.

We have protocol for things like that.

Well, protocol doesn't exactly help

when you're breaking apart
a bachelorette party fight

between three girls named Jessica

because Jessica 2
forgot the penis pops.

Bernard and I work on a
flight that has monsters,

and, deep down, in places you
don't talk about at parties,

you want us on that flight.

You need us on that flight.

Who's going to do it? You?

You, Flight Attendant Weinberg?

You are both suspended
until further notice.

And when we
return to Vegas tomorrow,

a disciplinary committee
will decide the best way

- to move forward with you.
- I'd like to switch

and become a star witness
for the prosecution.

So it's always four cologne
blasts: Two to the chest,

one to the neck and one to the bean bag.

It burns like hell, but let me...

Hey, what the hell have
you been saying about us?

What do you mean?

See, he's smart enough to deny it.

Let me guess, all those
young guys were making fun of

your old man shoes, and you
resorted to stories about us

to get some laughs.

No. It was my old man watch.

And, yeah, I told some stories,
but nothing that wasn't true.

You got us suspended!

We are screwed now because
you put yourself first

like you always do.

To be fair, it's not all Dave's fault.

You're the one who went rogue
and started yelling at everyone.

Excuse me. At least I tried
to do something to fix this.

All you ever do is raise
an eyebrow, cross your arms

and wait for me to finish so
you can pipe in a snarky comment.

Are you done?

Knew he was going
to do it. Still loved it.

Don't you take my side.
I should go tell everyone

all the crazy nonsense
you do on the plane,

but I won't because
I know how insecure

and desperate to be
liked you are.

- Thank you.
- He just insulted you, Dave.

I know. How?

Now you're defending him? Please.

You've been lying for years

about not watching
Game of Thrones,

so you don't have to deal
with all his questions.

How could you? You know
how bad I am with history.

I had to read the books, and
the books don't have boobs.

Well, maybe I'm just tired of you

relying on me for everything.

Both of you! You expect me to
have the answers all the time,

and I am sick of bailing you both out.

Oh, look. It's Ronnie the martyr.

I didn't recognise you
without your crown of thorns.

No spoilers.
I haven't seen season seven.

I think I see the problem here.

We've been flying
together for way too long.

We make a terrible team,

and I don't know if I want
to be a part of it anymore.

And cue Bernard's snarky comment.

No. This is one Ronnie speech I agree with.

Even if her hair looks like
something a goat sleeps on.

Ah.

Is the machine fixed yet?

- Not yet.
- I don't understand.

How are you two still
functioning right now?

You're with a stripper and a gambler.

3:00 a.m. is the middle
of the day for us.

After this, we're going to get lunch.

Now transition into Tadasana.

Mm. Garudasana.

So, we're almost halfway there.
You want to do a little switch

and let me jockey this thoroughbred?

I'm good.

I've seen guys your age drive before and

I don't want to have
the right blinker on

for the entire flight, so.

Just sit back and think
about all the clothing you own

that was made
before I was even born.

Fashion's cyclical, Jayden.

I am still not talking to you,
but I wanted you to have this.

It's for my white suede
outfit you threw out.

Oh, please. You didn't
even buy that outfit.

You stole it from your mum.

No. The one I stole from
my mum had a red wine stain.

The one you threw out was payment

from that lawn mowing nerd
I fake-dated to make popular.

Fine. Since we're doing this,

this is a bill for
two months' back rent.

OK, well, these cancel each other out,

so I'm just going to tear this up,

and now I'm going to go be the
hero and get our jobs back.

Look, Layla,
I'm sorry about yesterday.

I reacted badly, and if
you were generous enough

to lift our suspensions, moving forward,

I promise that
I will stick to protocol.

What do you think?

I'm sorry.

I'm just trying to figure out

how you said all
of that without a mouth.

What?

Oh, no. Where did
you get that cookie?

We have an emergency.

Layla accidentally ate a Reno cookie,

and now she's high and
she thinks she's a pirate!

Land ho, Captain!

That's hilarious. I have
a hanger in my carry-on

if she wants to do a hook thing.

It's not just Layla. The
entire Reno crew is high.

I'm not sure on what, but it has a very

"cooked in a motel bathtub" vibe.

This isn't funny.
This is an emergency!

There are too many people in this cockpit.

- Everyone relax. Bernie!
- You're inviting more?

What's the sitch?

Seth is peaking, Alison's
crying, and Scotty's trying

to do a Die Hard crawl
through the overhead bins.

We have to make
an emergency landing!

Oh, my little Jayden. That's
the inexperience talking.

- You got this?
- Piece of cake.

Ronnie, wait. This is important.

- Save me one of those cookies.
- I already have.

Nice.

What the hell?

I tried to make things
better. I don't think I did.

I tried to warm up
a lavender eye mask

to calm down Layla,
and then this happened.

Never use the microwave.
That's what the paddles are for.

I'll handle this, you handle them.

Let's get to work.

Now would be a
good time for the captain

to reassure the passengers.

Oh.

Hey, everyone.

I just want to let you know
there's no reason to panic.

- We are--
- What the hell are you doing?

- I--
- Never say "panic" to a

plane full of passengers.

This calls for the
soothing, gravely whisper

forged by a thousand cigars.

Hey, there, folks.
Captain Dave here.

I know we got a bit of
an unexpected situation,

but nothing we just don't call a Tuesday

on the old L.A. to Vegas run.

This whole thing
actually reminds me

of something Captain
Papa Dave once told me.

He said,
"Son, do all the drugs you want."

"Just don't do them with people from Reno

because they're sickos."

Now sit back, relax and enjoy
our descent into Las Vegas.

I'm going to go ahead and turn
the fasten seat belt sign off,

because it's going
to be a smooth landing.

Layla, trust me.

If you let go,
you're not going to float away.

Good. Gravity's back.

- Are you feeling better?
- I think so. Thank you.

And I'm sorry,
'cause now I understand

how your way of doing things
can sometimes be just necessary.

- And our suspensions?
- Never happened.

- And the party?
- Back on, next year.

We were thinking next Wednesday.

And we want a mashed potato bar

with one of those
desk-chair combos

and a private room
with a blind harp player.

Whatever you want, no problem.

Now, if you will excuse me,

I have to go rub
my face against that wall.

- Mm.
- OK.

Artem, hours ago, you said,

"Trust me, this thing is ready to pop."

Yeah, but earlier, I was mistaken.

But now, believe me
when I say trust me,

this thing is ready to pop.

You know what? I'm done.
This is ridiculous.

I can literally
taste my own breath.

No, listen to me, my friend.

Life is a slot machine.

Sometimes you're
wasting hours in a chair

where nothing really happens,

and sometimes things line up

just in the right way and

just in the right moment,

and it really seems like magic

does exist after all.

Whoa! I hate you, stupid machine!

Stop embarrassing me
in front of my friends!

- Oh, Artem, no.
- No, no, no, no, no!

- He's not worth it.
- There, stop it.

So.

Yeah.

Me, too.

Listen, I might not say it
enough, but I want you both to know

it's an honour to
share the sky with you.

- And next time, I won't--
- Yes, you will.

But I will try really hard not to--

- No, you won't.
- No-one interrupt me.

I'm still going to make smart-ass
comments, and they will sting.

Hey. What are you
guys still doing here?

- You haven't flown home yet?
- It's a long story.

Please, just get us back to L.A.

OK. OK, come on.

Let's go talk to a gate
agent, get you on a flight.

Oh, wow. Looks like someone
just won the jackpot.

Wait. Was that our machine?

Don't turn around. Never turn around.

The money! It won't stop coming! I'm rich!

Corrected by DB