Koala Man (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - The Handies - full transcript

G'day Australia,

and welcome to the 256th
Handball Olympics, the Handies!

Where elite athletes
from all across Australia

get together to play handball!

That's right, Daz.

While other countries consider
handball a schoolyard sport,

here it's a cultural
institution!

All of Australia is excited to
watch our best teenage athletes

smack their balls around.

Heh-heh! You said it, Sugar Dave.

Teens love a good Handie!



And of course, this year, Dapto
is giving out the Handies.

- Even though Dapto has the longest
losing streak in Handies history.

Fuckin' losers.

Carn! You Dapto!

Mom, you're acting like a bogan!

- What's the point? Our
team never wins anyway.

You must have faith, young Liam!

Yes, we're humiliated
year after fruitless year,

and yes, maybe the other towns have
taken to calling us Dap-Toilet...

♪ Let's all take a shit ♪

♪ On Dap toilet ♪

The
underdog always has his day!

Eventually.

- Oh, bullshit! It's been
decades since Dapto won!



This town is cursed, I tell you!

Cursed!

- I just want to see us
win once before I die...

- But this year, we
actually have a good team!

If we win, Dapto will finally not
be a dead-end town for losers.

I need this... I mean,
Dapto needs this!

There's Team Dapto, looking
far more competent than usual.

Could this be the squad
that turns things around?

- Sarah Sportsday. Second
most powerful girl in school.

Beautiful and athletic.

How am I ever going to pass her?

- Aw, I think you're perfect
the way you are, sweetheart.

But Daddy can fix it. Here,
I got you a special lolly.

Dad! I don't care about lollies!

I care about power
and being a hot bitch.

- Didn't know you could
grow out of lollies.

This is going to
be our year, Dapto!

And it seems
like the Dapto team

has incinerated itself.

I told you this town was shit.

Koala Kode 460:

Don't trust clowns.

Especially the
clowns in parliament.

Yeah, that was a political one.

- Settle, settle. I
know everyone is upset.

- We just have so little
to root for here, Big Greg.

We're the laughingstock
of Australia!

- I bet my fuckin' Mongoose BMX that
Dapto would win, you fuckin' dickhead!

And someone stole
my Mongoose bike!

This is the worst day ever!

You're
goddamn right it is!

Huge Greg!
That's Big Greg's brother!

He moved to Sydney
and became a star!

H.G., this is a
"Dapto only" meeting.

As all of you know,

between rooting supermodels
and my televisual work,

I coach the Sydney
handball team!

Meet the Bigsmoke Twins.

Greatest handball
players in the world.

We were looking
forward to humiliating

each and every one
of you Daptonians.

But your team went up in smoke.

Ha-ha, they died.

Wait! I have something to say.

Oh, boo all you like.

I am immune to your jeers
for my heart is pure.

And clearly none of you have consulted
the official Handies rule book.

"In the case of a sudden
and improbable team death,

the city shall have 24
hours to field a new team."

But where are we
gonna get a new team?

I shall coach a new team.

- Don't be ridiculous. I'm
obviously going to coach the team.

- Oh, is Little Greg
going to coach the team

in the little town he stayed in

because he couldn't
make it in the big city?

- Shut up!
- Pfft! Did your voice just crack?

Big Greg?

More like the biggest
cum rag in Fap-to.

Heh heh heh!

See you tossers on the field.

- So I guess that settles
it. I'm coaching the team.

- Kevin, are you sure you're
up to coaching the team?

- I'm the only one who can, Vicky.
I have to stand up for Dapto.

For our children.

Especially Alison.

Sometimes I get the feeling
she doesn't like me anymore.

- Aw, Kevin. She loves you.
Alison's just growing up.

Oh, I get it now.
Yes, menstruation.

Yes, the female
period. I get it now.

Well... yes... but
it's more than that.

She's going through a
lot of changes right now

and you need to accept those changes
no matter how scary they are.

Maybe you should try spending
some quality time with her.

You're right.

After the Handies, if I'm not
too busy eradicating evil,

maybe we can... go to the
playground or something.

- It's so unfair!
- Why?

She was the only good athlete

in this entire school!

This is bullshit.

Sarah Sportsday is more popular
in death than she was in life!

This is Miss Sausage
Roll all over again.

As you know, I am the
self-appointed coach

of the new Dapto handball team.

I've written this
rousing sports anthem

to invigorate your adolescent
spirits and inspire you to try out!

Oh, my God.

♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ G'day, g'day... ♪

Hang on. Hang on a sec.

This bloody G string.

Always going out of tune...

Just a minute.

Why don't you go home, ya pedo?!

Uggh!

Hey, that was...

Pretty good.

- The trials are over
before they've begun!

Alison and Liam
Williams, I choose you!

I don't know who you are, of course,
you're just some kids I've just met,

but you're very skilled,
so yep, you're the ones.

How's that
for some quality time?

- Goody!
- Wait a minute.

No way! Are you
out of your mind?

- It's good... It's good of
you to... It's good of you...

It's good of you to do
this, Alison. For Sarah.

Do it, Alison!

Yeah, go, Alison!

For Sarah.

And welcome back to
the Handball Olympics,

as Adelaide faces off against
humiliated hosts Dapto,

who have a brand-new and
somewhat mediocre-looking team!

- And it's pretty hard to look
mediocre against Adelaide!

My dad's from Adelaide.

- Aw, sorry.
- Nah, just be careful what you say.

Alison! Liam! Inspiration!

Stop shouting "Inspiration!"

Please stop fighting!

And there
it is, Adelaide wins!

- She's just going through changes.
Shedding her uterine lining and all that.

Aw, dammit!

- Bloody hell, Vicky. I didn't
know you were such a sports fan.

I'm not normally, but
that's my team! And my kids.

They're getting humiliated.

Maybe this town
really is cursed.

Well, yeah, Dapto is cursed.

Literally. It's actually cursed.

What are you talking about?

- You don't know the legend
of the Dapto Sick Sunnies?

A long time ago...

or some shit...

the earth was a sea
of rock and fire.

Deep in the subterranean bowels,

pitiful beasts harvested rare
metals for their mighty masters,

the Gods of Dapto.

From the sacred steel, they forged
a luck charm of unrivaled power.

The Sick Sunnies of Dapto.

Sick!

- They say the Sick Sunnies gave
Dapto good luck for hundreds of years.

Sadly, some cunt broke them
when he sat on them in his car.

And Dapto's been
cursed ever since.

Haven't you ever wondered
why things are so shit here?

So we're all screwed? Forever?

- Maybe I should just hit up the
Gods of Dapto for another pair.

You know the Gods of Dapto?!

Aw, shit, yeah.

Used to rage with
them back in the '90s.

They still hang out at the top
of Mt. Kiera as far as I know.

And the Dapto team is
falling apart at the seams.

Aw, gee whiz, looks like
nobody can end Dapto's losing streak!

I can.

Janine, let's go
get those sunnies!

Why did I agree to do this?

I thought it'd be easier to coast off
Sarah Sportsday getting barbecued,

but we got destroyed.

- We did our best, and I love that
we're wearing matching outfits.

Liam, you don't understand.

If we don't win it all,
everything I've worked for

to become the most powerful
girl at school will be ruined.

If only Dad wasn't
such a weak coach.

Who wants orange slices?!

I suspect the natural power of vitamin
C might be just what you two need.

- Caught your match out
there, mate. Brutal.

The kids are shit, and
you're even shitter.

One more loss, and you're
out of the tournament.

- I'd like to not-so-kindly ask you
to leave our locker room, Huge Greg.

- Look, mate.
- No, you look, mate!

- No, you look, mate!
- No, no, no.

You look, mate!

No, you look, mate!

See that, kids?

That's how you pwn
a manlet.

- Joke's on you, I have
many more oranges I can cut!

Liam, you still blindly
worship me, don't you?

- Of course, Dad.
- Good, good.

If only your sister
felt the same way...

We need to talk.

Huge Greg?

No, just regular Big Greg.

What do you
want, little bitch Greg?

- Listen, girlie, you
want to win, don't you?

We both know Koala
Man's shithouse.

- Yeah, all he can do
is give us orange slices

and go on about
their natural power.

What you need is
unnatural power.

Remember, a moral victory is
almost as good as a real one.

- No matter what happens, I'm
proud to be your partner, Alison!

Out of the way, human!

Whoa!

Carn, Dapto!

A tremendous serve
by Alison Williams!

Could it be that Dapto has
found their second wind?

I honestly have no idea.

I'm so fucking drunk right now.

It's working! The vitamin C!

You got this, Alison!

Uh, Alison? What did you do?

Well done, Alison!

These changes happen so fast.

Babies, to girls, to women.

This is the realm of the gods?

- They've cleaned it up a
bit. Let me introduce you!

That's the God of Fire,
the God of Good Health,

and there's the God of
Popping Down the Shops.

Youse need anything
from the shops?

And there's God of
Always Has a Guitar at a Party.

This one's about
the prime minister.

♪ Fuck the prime minister ♪

♪ He's a cunt ♪

They're all top blokes.

Oh! There's the God of
Fancy Seeing You Here!

Neenie! Fancy seeing you here!

- Hey, Janine, do a buckety
for old times' sake!!!

Oh. What are you the god of?

I'm the God of
Just Fuckin' Do It!

I don't give a fuck! Ugggh!

Oh, yeah? Why not?

Janine, don't go too hard.

We have to get those sunnies,
or Dapto's got no chance.

- Relax, Vick, I'm legendary
at handling me shit.

♪ Buckety Neen! ♪

♪ Buckety Neen! ♪

♪ Buckety Neen! ♪

Yeah-eah!

- Oh, Nina!
- Unbelievable!

Fuuuuuuuuuuck!

I'm trapped in a thought loop.

Dad, I need to
tell you something.

I'm sorry, Liam.
No time to chat.

The finals start any minute,

and since healthy fruits have
been putting pep in your step,

I'm making you both smoothies!

It's about Alison.

Haven't you noticed
anything... strange?

Strange?

Ah, Liam, I think I know
what you're getting at.

Yes, it is "strange," but it is also
a perfectly natural part of life.

Girls mature faster than boys.

Even though she's your twin,
you're feeling left behind.

Oh... uh...

I was talking about the
fact she's a dingo now.

- Ah. I admit that she's been
acting a little feral of late.

But your mother said I have to accept
the changes she's going through.

- Dad, I think Alison has been
using performance-enhancing drugs.

Such an accusation!
You have any proof?

Those aren't
tampons at all!

- Congratulations, Liam.
You figured it out.

Big Greg, is this true?

This is... this
is un-Australian!

You know
nothing, Koala Man.

Australia's been dabbling in
human-animal hybrids for years.

You see, back in 2000, Australia
was hosting the Olympics,

and we needed an edge.

Huge Greg and I worked

for Australia's secret
performance-enhancing gene program.

We caught the finest animal
specimens we could find.

We spliced the animal
DNA into human athletes,

creating hybrid
super-sportspeople.

Nonsense!

That was the year Ian Thorpe
won three gold medals.

And he won them fair and square!

Are you sure about that?

Yeah,
that's our Thorpedo.

Look at him go.

Look closer, Koala Man.

My God.

Ian Thorpe was a
shark the whole time?!

It was the perfect plan.

But everything changed
one day when me and H.G.

caught the most beautiful
fish we had ever seen.

Her name was Tanya, and I
fell madly in love with her.

I couldn't let them
experiment on her,

so we planned to run away together
and start a flower shop in Tasmania.

But H.G. caught us in
the act of physical love.

He completely lost his shit from jealousy
and called me all sorts of names:

sea-dick, aquarium-man,
fish-fingerer.

We had a massive punch-up
and the whole lab exploded...

I lost Tanya to the fire.

I swore I would never use
the manimal ooze again,

but Alison was game and
I must have my revenge!

This is not on,
Big Greg, not on!

We can't let Huge Greg win!

I can turn Alison back after.

- Forget it. I'm going to
forfeit the match right now.

And then you'll turn her
back or so help me...

Who am I kidding?

I can't save Dapto.

Oh, hi. Rough night?

Is it that obvious?

- Here, have a glass of Merlot, and
just tell me what's on your mind.

- Oh, thanks, but I'm not going to
pour my heart out to a stranger.

- Oh, come on, it's not a real party
without a deep and meaningful convo.

So, who are you, the God
of... Cheese Platters?

Actually, I'm the God
of Realizing Your Potential.

But enough about me.

Tell me about you.

- Oh! No one's asked
me about me in years...

Well, where to begin?

Umpire! I have an announcement!

Koala Man! Don't do it!

Well, well, well!

Didn't think you
Daptonians had it in ya.

Huge Greg, please.

I've only just been made
aware of the situation,

and I'm taking steps to...

Relax, Koala Cock.

I'm not gonna rat you out.

I salute you, baby brother.

I thought all the
fight had gone out.

Maybe if you'd shown some
of this spunk earlier,

you'd still have Tanya.

- Take her beautiful name
out of your disgusting mouth,

you son of a bitch!

- Since you thought you
could get tricky with me,

I thought I'd give you a
taste of your own medicine.

Did you really think
you were the only one

to escape the lab
with the manimal ooze?

And moving on
to center court,

we have the reigning
champions from Sydney...

The Bigsmoke Twins!

Uh... they don't look
like twins to me.

Let's play handball!

Come on, Koala Man.
Let's juice Liam up.

Turn him into a
croc or something!

- No! You've gone too far,
Big Greg. Turn Alison back.

- I'm sorry, Koala Man. I was lying.
The antidote was lost in the fire.

She's gonna be a dingo forever.

- Right. Then I'll just have
to have a chat with her myself.

Let her go, son.

Alison, it's me... your dad.

Look, I know I got you wrapped
up in this handball stuff,

but I just wanted to share
some quality time with you.

- I thought winning the Handies
would bring us together.

But I can see now that you're
growing up. You're changing.

Yesterday, you were lollies and
dollies, today you're a dingo.

It all goes by so fast.

I know it's not easy
having me as a father,

but I can tell you this much:

there's no one I'd rather
have for a daughter.

So if you have to rip
my throat out, so be it.

Correct me if I'm wrong,
Daz, but it seems Dingo-Alison

has turned human again
thanks to the power of a hug.

- Indeed she has, though that
touching hug was with her coach,

so we will be forced
to file a grievance

with the handball authorities
and investigate this further.

Dad... I didn't know
you felt that way.

Sorry if I give you a hard time for
being kind of crazy or whatever.

- That's okay, dear.
That's what dads are for.

- Enough talk! Your choices are: you
play and we kill you, or you forfeit.

Either way, a huge
win for Huge Greg!

I don't think so, Huge Greg.

Let's play.

We're going to win
the game, Koala Man!

Using fair play and skill!

- No! I can't allow this.
You'll be eaten alive!

- Then I guess my first
Handies will be my last.

- I don't know why I wanted
Dapto to win so badly.

I guess, if I'm being honest,
when your team brings in a win,

well, it feels like
a win for you too.

And I haven't had very many of
those in the last few years.

But maybe it doesn't matter
anyway since Dapto is cursed.

Vicky, we all feel
cursed sometimes.

But the "curse" is so often a metaphor
for reckoning honestly with our own...

disappointments.

But we have the power
to break the cycle.

We just have to be
brave enough to try.

- I'm trying to be brave.
That's why I came here.

But I feel so stuck in my life.

Maybe... maybe it's too late.

Darling, it's never too late.

A beautiful woman like
you has plenty of options.

No. I shouldn't.

You're wonderful, but...

I can't do that to Kevin.

Go to him, Vicky.

you'll realize your potential.

And, if it doesn't
work out with Kevin,

I'm just a mountain climb away.

I'll never forget you.

Ahhh. Fuckin' sun.

Sick.

- Oi, you! Where'd you
get those sunglasses?

- I dunno, we got them made
for our New Year's party.

- Can I please have them? I'm
on a quest of town significance.

Piss off, these are mine.

There's a box of them
over there, though.

A whole box?!

- This is it. This is the
moment we've been waiting for.

The next point wins...

- How are they doing this?
Just eat them already!

No, no, no, no, no! Oh, my God!

Wait! This is not a
legitimate strategy!

Eat him too!

Good gracious, it seems
Dapto has finally run out of luck!

Only a miracle
could save them now!

Wait!

Sick Sunnies for everyone!

Sick!

Sick!

Sick!

Sick!

No! My manimals!

Oh, I don't
bloody believe it!

Dapto wins!

The curse is lifted...
or some shit.

Sick.

- Well, well, well, who's
the biggest cum rag now?

It's you!

- You're still the number
one Greg to me, baby.

And you're huge all over.

- Tanya? It can't be. I
thought you were dead!

She is...

drop-dead sexy.

Aw, yeah...

Mmm, mmm...

Tanya! Why?

I never loved you, Big Greg.

I was just using you to
make Huge Greg jealous.

I faked my death that night so I
wouldn't have to break up with you.

G'day, little champions.

Ciao for now, suck-hole.

And don't feel bad about Tanya.

You know what they say, there
are plenty of fish in the sea.

Heh-heh-heh.

Not for me.

- I'm so glad Dad's love
turned you human again, Alison.

Ew, no.

I turned back because I knew
I'd be even more popular

if I overcame the
adversity of being a dingo.

Noooo.

Shut up!

I guess I didn't have
what it took to be a great coach.

- But you did have what it took
to be a pretty good dad, though.

How was your trip to Mt. Kiera?

Oh, it turns out I have options.

Oh. Well, that's nice.

You know, Vicky, I think things
are really turning around in Dapto.

I've got a good feeling
about the future.

And now I
have the DNA ooze.

The Kookaburra!