Koala Man (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Ode to a Koala Bear - full transcript
Kevin brings Liam his jacket.
- You kids remembered to pack your PJs, right?
- Yes, Dad.
- How about your little
jelly shoes for the showers?
Unpack your bags and make sure you've
got your little jelly shoes in there.
- Kevin, relax, it's
a two-day music camp.
- A two-day music
camp eight hours away!
In the middle of the Outback!
Anything could happen out there.
The kids will be just fine.
- Morning, little rock stars! How're
my future Kylie Minogues doing?
Can't get you out of my head.
Mum, I don't want
to go to music camp.
What if I end up like Little
Nina, that teeny-weenie freak
whose growth was stunted from
playing bassoon at a young age?
- She's magnificent. Fit her
right in your pocket, you could.
- Go on, Alison. Channel that
teenage angst into your French horn.
Ugggh!
- Well, gonna be real quiet
around here, I reckon.
Got the whole
place to ourselves.
Yes.
Well, Kevin, this would be a
good time to have a little talk.
- A talk? Okay, I guess
we can have a talk.
Oh, did you see Big
Greg's got a new book out?
I swear to God, he's
just a show-off.
And you know what, everyone knows
it, so I don't even care anymore.
- I mean a talk talk. About
this whole Koala Man thing.
Ah, a Koala Man talk talk.
All right, you have my
full attention, Vicky.
Let's dive in. Just me
and you, no distractions.
All right.
When you first started being Koala
Man, I thought it would only be...
- Wait! Stop! Time out!
Liam forgot his jacket!
Kevin, it's fine.
- You know how cold it gets
in the Outback at night!
I've gotta get this
jacket to Liam!
Let's think... The maximum speed of a
school bus is 80 kilometers an hour.
The speed limit for an
automobile such as mine is 110.
So, rounding down
to 100 for safety,
I should be able to catch up
to the bus within an hour.
- Don't you think you're
overreacting, Kevin?
- Do you know what happens
when I underreact, Vicky?
People die.
Go then.
But on the drive, I want you
to have a good long think
about why you are
the way you are.
- I'm afraid there will be no
time to dig into my past, Vicky!
I've got a job to do.
Oh, that's like a crack
from a pebble or something.
Oh, sugar. Oh,
well, good enough.
Let's ride.
- Koala Kode one-one-eight:
For more Koala Kodes,
download the Koala App.
It's not a virus
anymore. We fixed it.
Travelogue number one.
I'm in hot pursuit
of the camp bus.
Bring Liam His
Jacket" is well underway.
Think I'll just enjoy
the drive for a bit,
while I try to think of a
better name for this operation.
What was with Vicky back there?
"Why are you the
way that you are?"
Why is anyone the way they are?
As if a sequence of formative
events could shape one's behavior.
Ridiculous.
♪ Toot toot, wham bam
huge blue van... ♪
Wait, this track seems
strangely familiar.
♪ Wham bam, huge blue van ♪
♪ We're gonna take you away ♪
Look, gang!
I think I see our old friend
up the road: Uncle Bumpy!
Hi, Tigglies!
Room for one more?
- Sure!
- There's always room for one more!
Hop, hop, hop on, Uncle Bumpy!
Tiggle till you
giggle! Giggle-giggle-gig...
♪ Toot toot, wham bam
huge blue van... ♪
- Kevin, do you reckon we'll be mates
like the Tigglies when we grow up?
Of course, Christopher!
It's like the Tigglies always
say, "'Friend' Is A Forever Word."
Oi! What the fuck is this shit?!
- Oh, hi, Daddy.
- Hi, Detective Williams.
- Kevin, some bogan shitbag wrapped
his mouth around a shotgun today
outside the bowl-o.
You think I wanna come home and
listen to creeps in skivvies
singing about a big blue van!?
Sorry, Dad!
- Go outside and take turns
kicking each other in the balls.
The footy's about
to start. Fuck off!
♪ Toot toot, wham bam... ♪
Damn annoying song.
Quite repetitive.
Aha! Travelogue number two:
I've got eyes on the bus.
Time to wrap this thing
up and head... home.
I find myself in the
horns of a dilemma.
The Koala Kode says I cannot leave
an injured creature to suffer.
I'm harrowed to say, an
illegal U-turn seems in order.
You're all right, little
guy. I got ya. You need help?
- Yeh, cunt. You can help me by
giving me your fackin' wallet.
What?!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, let's, uh,
let's just take it easy here, guys.
Just hand over your
wallet, dickhead.
And your fackin' keys, too!
Back off!
I'm well-trained in the art of
grown-up karate, and I eve...
Ugggh! Ohh! Ooh!
Please! No! Stop!
Aaah!
Get his wallet
and keys! And his phone!
Take his fackin'
shoes, too. Fack it.
Keep your ugly fackin'
jacket, ya dickhead!
This is not on.
Mindy?
Mindy, is that you?
So, what's the plan?
You're not just gonna lie
there and die, are ya?
You've got justice
to serve, mate.
Justice...
Mummy, what's happening to Daddy?
- Your daddy's going on
holiday... by himself.
Listen here, ankle biter.
You're gonna hear a lot of things
about me in the next few weeks.
None of them are true.
Dapto P.D. is dirty. It's a
frame job. This is not on.
It's up to you to be the
man of the house now.
You've gotta be tough.
I will, Dad! I'll be tough!
And I'm gonna devote my whole
life to justice, just like you.
Yes, Kevin.
There's still work to be done
and justice to be served.
Oh, travelogue number 12:
The Outback is an unforgiving foe,
designed to test the will of man.
I believe I'm starting
to hallucinate.
Just earlier, I swear I
saw a vision of Mindy.
♪ Band drum beating
in distance ♪
Now I hear the faint
sound of music.
It could be my brain
is overheating.
My senses at war
with themselves.
My sanity slowly slipping.
Scratch that, the music is real.
What do you want?
- Please, you've gotta help me.
I'm in need of medical assistance.
And perhaps a light snack.
Nah, you've gotta
fuck off, mate.
Oh, please!
I was on a mission to my kids'
music camp and some 'roos just...
What'd you say?
- My children are at a remote
music camp in the Outback and I...
- Why didn't you say
so? Come on in, brother!
Are you... Red Tigglie!?
In the flesh!
Welcome to Tigglie HQ, the
most joyous place on earth!
This is our little hideaway,
where us Tigglies come
to work on new music.
- I used to love your songs as a kid.
Had every VHS tape you ever put out.
Not one bootleg.
Yes, we've had quite the run.
Back in the '90s,
the Australian children's
music scene was on fire.
There was the Jump
Patrol, the Wamby-Jambies,
the Kookabirdos, the
Scootie-Wootie-Woot-Woots.
Then suddenly, the whole
industry went tits up.
Other kids bands
faded into obscurity.
But here we are, still at it.
- It's remarkable you've
managed to survive.
- Yes... it's a remarkable
thing, survival...
Who the hell are you!?
- It's all right, he's
cool. This here's Koala Man.
He ran into some trouble on his
way to a... children's music camp.
- Ooh, there's a new
children's music camp nearby?
- In that case, make
yourself at home, big man!
Let's get you fixed up. You look
like you've been through hell.
- I've gotta say, you four haven't
aged a day since I was a kid.
Well, chalk it up to clean eating.
So, Koala Man, where is
this music camp, anyway?
- Just a few kilometers east of Bathurst.
Could I trouble you for a ride there?
We'd be happy to drive ya.
Yeah. We'd love to
check out this camp.
- Great! Oh, can I use
your toilet before we go?
There were no public
restrooms on the way.
I nearly had to urinate on the side
of the road like a common pervert.
- Oh, down the way you came,
second door on the left.
Oh, thank God.
I nearly doused me dacks.
Hall monitor log, number 150.
Wednesday, 9:27 a.m.
The halls are quiet
today. Eerily quiet.
It's as if the forces of
injustice are biding their time,
waiting for just the right
opportunity to strike.
Morning, Christopher.
- Where are you headed?
- Oh, hey, Kevin.
- I just need to use the bathroom.
- Understood.
Just need a quick look at your hall pass
and then you can be right on your way.
- I don't have one. It's
kind of an emergency, Kev.
- No hall pass? This is not on. You
got me in a tough spot here, mate.
- Aw, Kevin, come on! The
toilets are right there!
I'm about to burst!
I really can't let
you in there, Chris.
We'll just have to pop back into
class and get you a proper hall pass.
I'll wait for you out here.
Hall Monitor log number 151.
Brief incident regarding an
unauthorized attempt at urination.
Stand by for upda...
He pissed his pants!
- Hey, Chris, try not to
slip in your own piss, mate!
- He just told you not to
slip, ya fackin' idiot!
♪ Pissy Chrissy! ♪
♪ Pissy Chrissy! ♪
[sobbing]
♪ Pissy Chrissy... ♪
You did the right
thing, Kevin. You did.
- Who are you!?
- Oh, hi there.
I'm Dennis. Nice
to meet ya, mate.
Are you joining me?
What is this place?
This is where they
send the rejects.
Been down here
since I was a kid.
Wasn't very good at music, so
I never made it onto the menu.
The menu?
How do you think
they stay young?
Tiggle till you giggle, mate.
Oi!
Start the huge blue van!
Travelogue number 13:
The Tigglies have been eating
musically talented children
to retain their youth in an orgy of
cannibalistic excess and black magic.
Very not on.
I need to find a way out of here
before my own kids fall prey to this.
Liam is quite good at the
keyboard and probably delicious.
It's no use, Koala Man.
Best to make yourself
comfortable and wait to die.
- Do you want a bite of my slop?
- Not now, Dennis.
All right. Your
loss. Come to Dennis.
Oh, no, no, no, no...
Is someone else here?
Uncle Bumpy...
- My God, Uncle Bumpy was the
wackiest one of the bunch!
And the most evil.
They kept me alive
down here... for him.
What the fack is all this?
Spider! How'd you find me?
- Well, couple hours ago,
I rang your Koala Phone
to ask to borrow your Koala
Mower and some 'roos answered
and they said, "Oi, dickhead,
we beat up your friend."
And I said, "First of all,
mate, you're the dickhead."
Second, you better not have, I really
need to borrow that Koala Mower."
And then they said, "What
the fack's a Koala Mower?"
And I said, "It's basically
just a regular lawnmower
but with koala
ears glued to it."
And they said that was stupid,
and I told 'em, "You're the one
who's fackin' stupid, dickhead."
"Why don't ya come to Dapto and talk
shit to my face, see what happens?"
Anyway, they told me they left you
on the side of the Princess Highway,
so I came looking for ya.
- Spider, I need a ride
to music camp, now!
I got the ute parked
right outside.
Come on, Dennis.
Let's get out of here!
- All right. Is it okay
if I eat in the car?
- Why'd you stop to help
those 'roos anyway, Koala Man?
Everyone knows they
fuckin' roll ya.
- I always help the injured.
It's the Koala Kode.
- Oh! Well, it looks like
those damn millipedes are back.
Ah, nasty buggers!
I'll pop 'round the
shops and get some spray.
I can pick up some
food if you want...
Kevin!
You're all right,
little one. I got you.
Come on, Mindy. Just take it.
Oh, still not eating?
No.
Poor gal's gonna starve to death
if she doesn't eat something soon.
I had an idea.
Here, try this on.
I sewed it myself.
That's brilliant, Vicky!
It's just up ahead over there!
Hold onto your cock, mate.
They're here.
I'm going in.
You two stay here
and keep lookout.
All right. How you
set for weapons?
- Hm, we'll talk about the
proper permits for these later.
- Nah, nah, it's all right.
This is all black market shit.
♪ Set the table,
grab your forks ♪
♪ Put on your bibs ♪
♪ La-la-la-la la-la-la-la ♪
♪ blows sour note ♪
♪ Let's eat, kids! ♪
- Whoo!
- Yeah!
- What a wonderful
surprise this has been.
An unexpected drop-in by the
Tigglies, at our music camp!
How lucky!
Well, what can we say?
There's nothing we appreciate
more than children who love music.
- Liam and Little Nina, you
two are especially talented.
This is bullshit! What about me?
Ehh, you're safe.
"Safe"?
We have chosen Liam
and Little Nina!
Your meatiness shall
become one with our own.
Not so fast, Tigglies!
You've just met your
own personal Yoko Ono.
- B-Because I'm gonna
break up your band.
Oh, come on, that's
not really fair.
Yoko's not the only reason
the Beatles broke up.
- Yeah, all four of them were
going in just different directions.
Whatever, just drop the kids!
Out of the way,
you fucking stooge!
Oooh!
- Ohh!
- Not so safe now, am I?
- Uh, great job, little
girl. That was very brave.
You've probably got a very strong
father figure in your life.
Principal Bazwell,
watch the kids!
- How can we play anything
without the bassoon?
Come on!
- Well, guess it's time
to catch the bus...
And I have a heavy vehicles
license so it's actually okay.
Come on! Come on!
Activating Spider NOS!
Go go Koala Klaws!
Ah. Still need to
invent those, don't I?
He's not letting go!
Oh, don't worry...
Backup's on the way.
Oh, no. it's Uncle Bumpy.
Jiggle till you giggle!
Jiggle, jiggle, jiggle!
Pull up ahead of Uncle Bumpy.
Wakey, wakey! It's
Uncle Bumpy time!
Please, Uncle Bumpy!
Not the hot poker! Noooo!
Hey, it's you.
The untalented runt!
That's where you're
wrong, Uncle Bumpy.
I finally learned to
play an instrument.
Dennis, you inedible bastard.
They wouldn't eat you,
but now you're well done.
- This cunt's got a lot of
different fackin' punch cards.
Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!
Turn up the fackin' music,
this is the sickest bit!
Let's fackin' hop, lads!
- Little Nina, I know this might
be a weird time to say this, but...
I think I'm in love with you.
Oh, Liam, I'm glad
you said that.
Do you... want to get married?
Really?
Yes. I love you, Liam.
I promise that for as long as you
live, you'll never meet another girl
who loves you as
much as I love...
Heh, heh, heh!
I can play bassoon!
Liam!
- The Tigglies will not go
the way of the Wamby-Jambies
or the
Scootie-Wootie-Woot-Woots!
Tigglies are forever!
Liam...
♪ Toot toot, wham bam ♪
♪ Time for me to kill a man! ♪
Ugggh!
- Always hated the Tigglies,
man. Fackin' shit music.
What's with that weird guitar
that's also a little keyboard?
It's facked.
Dad!
Hey, son. I thought
you might need this.
- You came all the way out
here to bring me my jacket?
I thought you might've
wanted me to tough it out.
- Listen, sweetheart, I
can't baby you forever.
You've gotta run along now.
- Maybe it's too soon? Maybe
she's afraid to be on her own.
- I think a little tough
love is in order, Vicky.
She's gotta learn
to fend for herself.
Go on, Mindy! Run along!
You've gotta be
tough! Come on, Mindy!
Good girl.
You'll be all right.
You're tough, aren't ya?
♪ My little koala type bear ♪
♪ Little koala type bear... ♪
No! Mindy! Get off the road!
Noooooooooooo!
You don't have to be tough
if you don't want to.
You can be whatever you want.
You're
babying him, Kevin.
You're teaching
the kid to be weak.
He'll get trampled on his entire life
if you don't teach him to be tou...
Hey! Why don't you
shut the hell up?
That's what I thought.
Kevin! Liam!
Hi there, honeybun.
Oh! What happened out here?
It's a long story.
Red Tigglie ate my girlfriend.
- What?
- This little wimpy shrimpy had a girlfriend?
That is a tough break.
Probably not gonna come
around again for you, is it?
- Come on, let's pick
up Alison and head home.
And, Vicky...
I'm ready to have that
talk when you are.
I don't know why
I am the way I am.
Maybe nobody does.
But I do know that I love you, and
I'd do anything for this family.
- Aw, don't worry about that talk
right now, you've had a hard day.
Ooh! You know, it is
rather chilly out here.
It's a good thing you
brought Liam his jacket.
Thanks for the ride, Big Greg.
No problem.
Gives us time to listen to the
audiobook of my autobiography.
Unabridged.
My life began
when I was waist-deep
in the murky waters of the
Amazon, surrounded by piranhas.
That's when I realized
the ultimate truth:
We are all just fish
swimming upstream
in a river of dreams...
- You may have escaped a brightly dressed
children's musical group, Koala Man,
but you won't escape...
the Kookaburra!
- Yes, Dad.
- How about your little
jelly shoes for the showers?
Unpack your bags and make sure you've
got your little jelly shoes in there.
- Kevin, relax, it's
a two-day music camp.
- A two-day music
camp eight hours away!
In the middle of the Outback!
Anything could happen out there.
The kids will be just fine.
- Morning, little rock stars! How're
my future Kylie Minogues doing?
Can't get you out of my head.
Mum, I don't want
to go to music camp.
What if I end up like Little
Nina, that teeny-weenie freak
whose growth was stunted from
playing bassoon at a young age?
- She's magnificent. Fit her
right in your pocket, you could.
- Go on, Alison. Channel that
teenage angst into your French horn.
Ugggh!
- Well, gonna be real quiet
around here, I reckon.
Got the whole
place to ourselves.
Yes.
Well, Kevin, this would be a
good time to have a little talk.
- A talk? Okay, I guess
we can have a talk.
Oh, did you see Big
Greg's got a new book out?
I swear to God, he's
just a show-off.
And you know what, everyone knows
it, so I don't even care anymore.
- I mean a talk talk. About
this whole Koala Man thing.
Ah, a Koala Man talk talk.
All right, you have my
full attention, Vicky.
Let's dive in. Just me
and you, no distractions.
All right.
When you first started being Koala
Man, I thought it would only be...
- Wait! Stop! Time out!
Liam forgot his jacket!
Kevin, it's fine.
- You know how cold it gets
in the Outback at night!
I've gotta get this
jacket to Liam!
Let's think... The maximum speed of a
school bus is 80 kilometers an hour.
The speed limit for an
automobile such as mine is 110.
So, rounding down
to 100 for safety,
I should be able to catch up
to the bus within an hour.
- Don't you think you're
overreacting, Kevin?
- Do you know what happens
when I underreact, Vicky?
People die.
Go then.
But on the drive, I want you
to have a good long think
about why you are
the way you are.
- I'm afraid there will be no
time to dig into my past, Vicky!
I've got a job to do.
Oh, that's like a crack
from a pebble or something.
Oh, sugar. Oh,
well, good enough.
Let's ride.
- Koala Kode one-one-eight:
For more Koala Kodes,
download the Koala App.
It's not a virus
anymore. We fixed it.
Travelogue number one.
I'm in hot pursuit
of the camp bus.
Bring Liam His
Jacket" is well underway.
Think I'll just enjoy
the drive for a bit,
while I try to think of a
better name for this operation.
What was with Vicky back there?
"Why are you the
way that you are?"
Why is anyone the way they are?
As if a sequence of formative
events could shape one's behavior.
Ridiculous.
♪ Toot toot, wham bam
huge blue van... ♪
Wait, this track seems
strangely familiar.
♪ Wham bam, huge blue van ♪
♪ We're gonna take you away ♪
Look, gang!
I think I see our old friend
up the road: Uncle Bumpy!
Hi, Tigglies!
Room for one more?
- Sure!
- There's always room for one more!
Hop, hop, hop on, Uncle Bumpy!
Tiggle till you
giggle! Giggle-giggle-gig...
♪ Toot toot, wham bam
huge blue van... ♪
- Kevin, do you reckon we'll be mates
like the Tigglies when we grow up?
Of course, Christopher!
It's like the Tigglies always
say, "'Friend' Is A Forever Word."
Oi! What the fuck is this shit?!
- Oh, hi, Daddy.
- Hi, Detective Williams.
- Kevin, some bogan shitbag wrapped
his mouth around a shotgun today
outside the bowl-o.
You think I wanna come home and
listen to creeps in skivvies
singing about a big blue van!?
Sorry, Dad!
- Go outside and take turns
kicking each other in the balls.
The footy's about
to start. Fuck off!
♪ Toot toot, wham bam... ♪
Damn annoying song.
Quite repetitive.
Aha! Travelogue number two:
I've got eyes on the bus.
Time to wrap this thing
up and head... home.
I find myself in the
horns of a dilemma.
The Koala Kode says I cannot leave
an injured creature to suffer.
I'm harrowed to say, an
illegal U-turn seems in order.
You're all right, little
guy. I got ya. You need help?
- Yeh, cunt. You can help me by
giving me your fackin' wallet.
What?!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, let's, uh,
let's just take it easy here, guys.
Just hand over your
wallet, dickhead.
And your fackin' keys, too!
Back off!
I'm well-trained in the art of
grown-up karate, and I eve...
Ugggh! Ohh! Ooh!
Please! No! Stop!
Aaah!
Get his wallet
and keys! And his phone!
Take his fackin'
shoes, too. Fack it.
Keep your ugly fackin'
jacket, ya dickhead!
This is not on.
Mindy?
Mindy, is that you?
So, what's the plan?
You're not just gonna lie
there and die, are ya?
You've got justice
to serve, mate.
Justice...
Mummy, what's happening to Daddy?
- Your daddy's going on
holiday... by himself.
Listen here, ankle biter.
You're gonna hear a lot of things
about me in the next few weeks.
None of them are true.
Dapto P.D. is dirty. It's a
frame job. This is not on.
It's up to you to be the
man of the house now.
You've gotta be tough.
I will, Dad! I'll be tough!
And I'm gonna devote my whole
life to justice, just like you.
Yes, Kevin.
There's still work to be done
and justice to be served.
Oh, travelogue number 12:
The Outback is an unforgiving foe,
designed to test the will of man.
I believe I'm starting
to hallucinate.
Just earlier, I swear I
saw a vision of Mindy.
♪ Band drum beating
in distance ♪
Now I hear the faint
sound of music.
It could be my brain
is overheating.
My senses at war
with themselves.
My sanity slowly slipping.
Scratch that, the music is real.
What do you want?
- Please, you've gotta help me.
I'm in need of medical assistance.
And perhaps a light snack.
Nah, you've gotta
fuck off, mate.
Oh, please!
I was on a mission to my kids'
music camp and some 'roos just...
What'd you say?
- My children are at a remote
music camp in the Outback and I...
- Why didn't you say
so? Come on in, brother!
Are you... Red Tigglie!?
In the flesh!
Welcome to Tigglie HQ, the
most joyous place on earth!
This is our little hideaway,
where us Tigglies come
to work on new music.
- I used to love your songs as a kid.
Had every VHS tape you ever put out.
Not one bootleg.
Yes, we've had quite the run.
Back in the '90s,
the Australian children's
music scene was on fire.
There was the Jump
Patrol, the Wamby-Jambies,
the Kookabirdos, the
Scootie-Wootie-Woot-Woots.
Then suddenly, the whole
industry went tits up.
Other kids bands
faded into obscurity.
But here we are, still at it.
- It's remarkable you've
managed to survive.
- Yes... it's a remarkable
thing, survival...
Who the hell are you!?
- It's all right, he's
cool. This here's Koala Man.
He ran into some trouble on his
way to a... children's music camp.
- Ooh, there's a new
children's music camp nearby?
- In that case, make
yourself at home, big man!
Let's get you fixed up. You look
like you've been through hell.
- I've gotta say, you four haven't
aged a day since I was a kid.
Well, chalk it up to clean eating.
So, Koala Man, where is
this music camp, anyway?
- Just a few kilometers east of Bathurst.
Could I trouble you for a ride there?
We'd be happy to drive ya.
Yeah. We'd love to
check out this camp.
- Great! Oh, can I use
your toilet before we go?
There were no public
restrooms on the way.
I nearly had to urinate on the side
of the road like a common pervert.
- Oh, down the way you came,
second door on the left.
Oh, thank God.
I nearly doused me dacks.
Hall monitor log, number 150.
Wednesday, 9:27 a.m.
The halls are quiet
today. Eerily quiet.
It's as if the forces of
injustice are biding their time,
waiting for just the right
opportunity to strike.
Morning, Christopher.
- Where are you headed?
- Oh, hey, Kevin.
- I just need to use the bathroom.
- Understood.
Just need a quick look at your hall pass
and then you can be right on your way.
- I don't have one. It's
kind of an emergency, Kev.
- No hall pass? This is not on. You
got me in a tough spot here, mate.
- Aw, Kevin, come on! The
toilets are right there!
I'm about to burst!
I really can't let
you in there, Chris.
We'll just have to pop back into
class and get you a proper hall pass.
I'll wait for you out here.
Hall Monitor log number 151.
Brief incident regarding an
unauthorized attempt at urination.
Stand by for upda...
He pissed his pants!
- Hey, Chris, try not to
slip in your own piss, mate!
- He just told you not to
slip, ya fackin' idiot!
♪ Pissy Chrissy! ♪
♪ Pissy Chrissy! ♪
[sobbing]
♪ Pissy Chrissy... ♪
You did the right
thing, Kevin. You did.
- Who are you!?
- Oh, hi there.
I'm Dennis. Nice
to meet ya, mate.
Are you joining me?
What is this place?
This is where they
send the rejects.
Been down here
since I was a kid.
Wasn't very good at music, so
I never made it onto the menu.
The menu?
How do you think
they stay young?
Tiggle till you giggle, mate.
Oi!
Start the huge blue van!
Travelogue number 13:
The Tigglies have been eating
musically talented children
to retain their youth in an orgy of
cannibalistic excess and black magic.
Very not on.
I need to find a way out of here
before my own kids fall prey to this.
Liam is quite good at the
keyboard and probably delicious.
It's no use, Koala Man.
Best to make yourself
comfortable and wait to die.
- Do you want a bite of my slop?
- Not now, Dennis.
All right. Your
loss. Come to Dennis.
Oh, no, no, no, no...
Is someone else here?
Uncle Bumpy...
- My God, Uncle Bumpy was the
wackiest one of the bunch!
And the most evil.
They kept me alive
down here... for him.
What the fack is all this?
Spider! How'd you find me?
- Well, couple hours ago,
I rang your Koala Phone
to ask to borrow your Koala
Mower and some 'roos answered
and they said, "Oi, dickhead,
we beat up your friend."
And I said, "First of all,
mate, you're the dickhead."
Second, you better not have, I really
need to borrow that Koala Mower."
And then they said, "What
the fack's a Koala Mower?"
And I said, "It's basically
just a regular lawnmower
but with koala
ears glued to it."
And they said that was stupid,
and I told 'em, "You're the one
who's fackin' stupid, dickhead."
"Why don't ya come to Dapto and talk
shit to my face, see what happens?"
Anyway, they told me they left you
on the side of the Princess Highway,
so I came looking for ya.
- Spider, I need a ride
to music camp, now!
I got the ute parked
right outside.
Come on, Dennis.
Let's get out of here!
- All right. Is it okay
if I eat in the car?
- Why'd you stop to help
those 'roos anyway, Koala Man?
Everyone knows they
fuckin' roll ya.
- I always help the injured.
It's the Koala Kode.
- Oh! Well, it looks like
those damn millipedes are back.
Ah, nasty buggers!
I'll pop 'round the
shops and get some spray.
I can pick up some
food if you want...
Kevin!
You're all right,
little one. I got you.
Come on, Mindy. Just take it.
Oh, still not eating?
No.
Poor gal's gonna starve to death
if she doesn't eat something soon.
I had an idea.
Here, try this on.
I sewed it myself.
That's brilliant, Vicky!
It's just up ahead over there!
Hold onto your cock, mate.
They're here.
I'm going in.
You two stay here
and keep lookout.
All right. How you
set for weapons?
- Hm, we'll talk about the
proper permits for these later.
- Nah, nah, it's all right.
This is all black market shit.
♪ Set the table,
grab your forks ♪
♪ Put on your bibs ♪
♪ La-la-la-la la-la-la-la ♪
♪ blows sour note ♪
♪ Let's eat, kids! ♪
- Whoo!
- Yeah!
- What a wonderful
surprise this has been.
An unexpected drop-in by the
Tigglies, at our music camp!
How lucky!
Well, what can we say?
There's nothing we appreciate
more than children who love music.
- Liam and Little Nina, you
two are especially talented.
This is bullshit! What about me?
Ehh, you're safe.
"Safe"?
We have chosen Liam
and Little Nina!
Your meatiness shall
become one with our own.
Not so fast, Tigglies!
You've just met your
own personal Yoko Ono.
- B-Because I'm gonna
break up your band.
Oh, come on, that's
not really fair.
Yoko's not the only reason
the Beatles broke up.
- Yeah, all four of them were
going in just different directions.
Whatever, just drop the kids!
Out of the way,
you fucking stooge!
Oooh!
- Ohh!
- Not so safe now, am I?
- Uh, great job, little
girl. That was very brave.
You've probably got a very strong
father figure in your life.
Principal Bazwell,
watch the kids!
- How can we play anything
without the bassoon?
Come on!
- Well, guess it's time
to catch the bus...
And I have a heavy vehicles
license so it's actually okay.
Come on! Come on!
Activating Spider NOS!
Go go Koala Klaws!
Ah. Still need to
invent those, don't I?
He's not letting go!
Oh, don't worry...
Backup's on the way.
Oh, no. it's Uncle Bumpy.
Jiggle till you giggle!
Jiggle, jiggle, jiggle!
Pull up ahead of Uncle Bumpy.
Wakey, wakey! It's
Uncle Bumpy time!
Please, Uncle Bumpy!
Not the hot poker! Noooo!
Hey, it's you.
The untalented runt!
That's where you're
wrong, Uncle Bumpy.
I finally learned to
play an instrument.
Dennis, you inedible bastard.
They wouldn't eat you,
but now you're well done.
- This cunt's got a lot of
different fackin' punch cards.
Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!
Turn up the fackin' music,
this is the sickest bit!
Let's fackin' hop, lads!
- Little Nina, I know this might
be a weird time to say this, but...
I think I'm in love with you.
Oh, Liam, I'm glad
you said that.
Do you... want to get married?
Really?
Yes. I love you, Liam.
I promise that for as long as you
live, you'll never meet another girl
who loves you as
much as I love...
Heh, heh, heh!
I can play bassoon!
Liam!
- The Tigglies will not go
the way of the Wamby-Jambies
or the
Scootie-Wootie-Woot-Woots!
Tigglies are forever!
Liam...
♪ Toot toot, wham bam ♪
♪ Time for me to kill a man! ♪
Ugggh!
- Always hated the Tigglies,
man. Fackin' shit music.
What's with that weird guitar
that's also a little keyboard?
It's facked.
Dad!
Hey, son. I thought
you might need this.
- You came all the way out
here to bring me my jacket?
I thought you might've
wanted me to tough it out.
- Listen, sweetheart, I
can't baby you forever.
You've gotta run along now.
- Maybe it's too soon? Maybe
she's afraid to be on her own.
- I think a little tough
love is in order, Vicky.
She's gotta learn
to fend for herself.
Go on, Mindy! Run along!
You've gotta be
tough! Come on, Mindy!
Good girl.
You'll be all right.
You're tough, aren't ya?
♪ My little koala type bear ♪
♪ Little koala type bear... ♪
No! Mindy! Get off the road!
Noooooooooooo!
You don't have to be tough
if you don't want to.
You can be whatever you want.
You're
babying him, Kevin.
You're teaching
the kid to be weak.
He'll get trampled on his entire life
if you don't teach him to be tou...
Hey! Why don't you
shut the hell up?
That's what I thought.
Kevin! Liam!
Hi there, honeybun.
Oh! What happened out here?
It's a long story.
Red Tigglie ate my girlfriend.
- What?
- This little wimpy shrimpy had a girlfriend?
That is a tough break.
Probably not gonna come
around again for you, is it?
- Come on, let's pick
up Alison and head home.
And, Vicky...
I'm ready to have that
talk when you are.
I don't know why
I am the way I am.
Maybe nobody does.
But I do know that I love you, and
I'd do anything for this family.
- Aw, don't worry about that talk
right now, you've had a hard day.
Ooh! You know, it is
rather chilly out here.
It's a good thing you
brought Liam his jacket.
Thanks for the ride, Big Greg.
No problem.
Gives us time to listen to the
audiobook of my autobiography.
Unabridged.
My life began
when I was waist-deep
in the murky waters of the
Amazon, surrounded by piranhas.
That's when I realized
the ultimate truth:
We are all just fish
swimming upstream
in a river of dreams...
- You may have escaped a brightly dressed
children's musical group, Koala Man,
but you won't escape...
the Kookaburra!