Koala Man (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Red Hot Rule - full transcript
Liam makes a new American friend.
Every now and again,
the memories come flooding back
to the day I changed the world.
- Father, have you heard any news
of the Titanic's maiden voyage?
"The unsinkable ship" they call it! I
sure hope it arrives safely in America.
- Extry, extry! The
Titanic has sunk!
1,500 dead in freak accident!
All those innocent people!
If only there was something we
could have done to save them.
If not for the Red
Hot Rule, we could...
The Red Hot Rule?
- Maxwell, did you know
that being in Australia,
we're actually 15
hours ahead of the USA?
You mean, we're in the future?
- Yes. Right now, in the Atlantic,
the Titanic has yet to sink.
In fact, if you were
to call and warn 'em,
they'd probably have about...
five minutes to prepare.
But we Australians have sworn to
never interfere with the flow of time.
Violating the Red Hot Rule
is our greatest crime.
Do you understand, Maxwell?
Maxwell!
Nooo!
- Sir! It's a telegram
from the Australian future!
"G'day mate. Stop.
"Cobba, ya ship's
about to crash. Stop.
You have five minutes,
I reckon. Stop."
- Crash? Why would we crash
in the next five minutes?
We've already noticed
that iceberg over there.
What could possibly put us
in such unexpected danger?
I don't know, sir.
But maybe we should hold off on
opening this cursed sarcophagus?
Ah. Yeah, I suppose
you're right.
Take it back down to cargo,
and send Australia our thanks
for changing history, will you?
- Father! I did it! I saved...
Oh! Father?
Take him
away, Time Bobbies.
I have no son.
I should
have listened to my father.
How was I supposed
to know about...
her?
♪ Hello, everybody ♪
♪ I have come to take
you back with me ♪
♪ To a land of liberty... ♪
She joined the army, led
America to victory in two World Wars,
and eventually was sworn
in as President Mummy.
One day, when
signing a peace deal,
she fell in love with that
commie bastard Brezhnev.
They both abandoned their people
for a quiet life on the moon,
which left the world in chaos.
Soon after, the bombs started flying
and America became a toxic wasteland,
except for Hollywood, which broke
off and became a floating island.
But I know the Americans are still
out there, biding their time.
Waiting for the perfect
moment to strike!
Oooh!
And that's how I
fucked up the future.
Koala Kode 2,040.
If it doesn't have
a collar, it's not a shirt.
I never realized
how amazing Americans are!
Chad Wagon says every meal comes
with a side dish of freedom!
Totally awesome sauce.
Liam, please.
I only wanted to come to this
ridiculous novelty restaurant
for your twin birthdays
because I thought seeing how
America's lawless attitudes
drove them to destruction
would serve as a
cautionary tale.
- It's working.
This birthday sucks.
Your plan backfired, Dad.
Now I see how boring
Australians are.
All we care about is footy
or sharks or whatever.
Chad Wagon says Americans
solve most of their problems
through illegal street racing.
I wish I
were American...
America blew itself up!
That's why all the Americans have
come here to a sensible country.
Hey, everyone, ah...
this is, uh... a robbery.
We're fuckin' robbin' youse.
Yeah, give us ya cash or like...
we'll fuckin' shank
ya or some shit.
Kevin, do something!
- Yes, I'd say this is
a job for Koala Man...
Oh, my God, it's Chad Wagon!
♪ Out on the run,
under the gun ♪
He's perfect.
I would have gotten here sooner,
but parking, am I right, bro?
♪ Raise your hands when
you wanna let it go... ♪
- Can you pretty please teach me how
to be a fun, freedom-loving American?
- I don't know. Do you have
what it takes to be mi familia?
- Mi familia?
- Mi familia.
The family you create when your real
family won't accept you for who you are.
- Actually, Liam already has a very
accepting and Australian family.
He doesn't need to be infected
with your American ideas.
- Dude, I wouldn't listen to this
guy. He looks about 5' 7", max.
See ya around, bro.
- Quiet down, you lot.
Big Greg has big news.
I've just received word that the
Queen herself is coming to Dapto.
Anyone wanna volunteer for the absolute
dog shit job of keeping Her Majesty safe?
- Oh, I do! Me-me-me! Me!
I have it on good authority that Dapto's
handsome and virile superhero Koala Man
would also like to be involved,
uh, perhaps as a means of
demonstrating to his son
just how cool
Australians can be.
Yeah, yeah, don't care.
One more thing... 'cause there is
fuck all to do in this wonderful town,
we'll be bringing forward
the Miss Sausage Roll Pageant
so the Queen can
crown the winner.
Now, I know that this is last minute,
but I'm sure we can find some desperate,
psychotic, unpopular losers who
want to be Miss Sausage Roll.
Mum, I'm entering
Miss Sausage Roll.
But I need you to buy
me a new swimsuit!
I got my eye on this one. It
barely covers tit and slit.
- Language! And I forbid
you from entering.
- But, Muuum, if I win,
I get to meet the Queen!
Not even Rosie Yodels
has met the Queen!
I said no!
You don't understand.
You've been a solid
five your entire life.
Oh, have I?
Mum? You were hot?
I went after the Miss Sausage
Roll crown with everything I had.
And I lost.
All because of Saucy Simmons.
Sure, she had a natural advantage,
seeing as she was a sausage roll,
but I figured, a naive little pastry
from the burbs wasn't a threat.
But during the finals, Saucy
poured a bottle of vegetable oil
all over herself as she
did the Sausage Strut.
I slipped on her
greasy trail and fell.
And I saw her laughing.
She wanted me to fall.
That flaky, buttery bitch!
- After I lost, I didn't
know who I was anymore.
I went on a seven-year bender...
made a lot of friends.
What about Dad?
He insisted on calling
it a long-distance relationship,
but we were on a break.
After a while, I returned to
Dapto and married your father.
But if not for Saucy Simmons,
I'd have won Miss Sausage Roll,
and everything
would be different.
Everything.
You're not entering
and that's final.
What are these, you ask?
Only top-secret security
plans for the Queen's visit!
Cool.
- The Queen is coming to visit
Dapto! Why aren't you more excited?
- I'd be more excited, but Mum's refusing
to train me for Miss Sausage Roll.
For your own good, Alison.
- Ah, I remember your Miss
Sausage Roll days, Vicky.
Some of those pictures
really sustained me
through our seven-year
long-distance relationship.
Mmm! Yummy!
I'm really enjoying this
authentic Australian meat pie,
made with a native
Australian animal.
Needs ketchup.
- Liam, in Australia
we say "tomato sauce."
- I just don't get why we can't
have fries like at Chad Wagon's.
Chips, Liam! They're
called chips!
I don't even know
who you are anymore!
Maybe you never did!
Now I know why I've never fit
in with other Australians!
Because in my heart, I've
been American all along!
That's what Chad says.
That's right. I went to see
Chad after school today.
- I don't want you
hanging around that man!
- You may be my family but
you're not my mi familia.
Chad says you wouldn't hide
behind a mask if you were.
You told him my
secret identity?!
That's just... oooh,
I'm very cross now.
- Oh, and FYI: tomato
sauce is not awesome sauce!
Chad Wagon!
- I just don't understand why Liam insists
on fraternizing with a lawless American.
I can feel it in my willies,
this Chad Wagon is bad news.
- Yeah, KM, what did we do to deserve
these Americans invading our shores?
- No one could have
known the consequences!
I just wanted to save
the beautiful ship!
- Oi, I think Maxwell's got a
touch of the old dementia, mate.
No! Many years ago,
I made a mistake.
I violated the Red Hot Rule.
- What?! What are you talking
about? Keep your voice down!
Good joke.
Are you fuckin' crazy,
you old bastard?
You want to get nicked
by the Time Bobbies?
Already did.
Spent 20 years in Time Jail.
If not for me, President Mummy
would have been at the bottom
of the sea on the Titanic.
And everything
that came after...
It's all my fault!
Mark my words, if Americans are
involved, something terrible will happen.
I'm leaving town!
You should too!
- All right then, see
ya tomorrow, Maxwell.
Maxwell's right about one thing.
This American is only
going to make things worse.
Maybe it's time he
had a chat with...
Koala Man.
AKA me.
Hello, Mother.
You'll never guess who's
entered Miss Sausage Roll.
Saucy Simmons...
Don't be absurd.
She's far too old.
Junior!
- She's got her mother's
flakes, I'll give her that much.
And she's the heavy
favorite to win.
Unless someone were to
come along and defeat her.
- Alison, no. You don't
know what you're asking.
- You need revenge. I
need to become popular.
If you teach me, maybe we
can win this thing, together.
Very well.
But just know, pageants turn the
sweetest women into monsters.
- Mum, I'm a 14-year-old
girl. I'm already a monster.
I'm not talking
about you, Alison.
Time to train.
Yes, Mum.
I wish you could have
seen America in the glory days.
It was paradise, bro.
So, how did you end up in Dapto?
- Once Hollywood became an island,
I knew America was finished.
But I couldn't just let
American raditude die out.
So I bought the only
ticket I could afford
and came to Australia
and opened my restaurant,
where every day is
red, white, and blue.
- The Australian flag is
also red, white, and blue.
But ours is better.
Look, I'm not gonna lie to you.
It isn't easy being an
American refugee, kid.
I just wish we had a real
home here in Australia,
somewhere we could call our own.
But the Queen will
never go for it.
That staunchy fuckin' bitch.
- Maybe we just need to show her how
great the American way of life is.
Dude! Killer idea!
We should do a kickass car stunt
for her when she comes to Dapto!
She'll be so impressed,
she'll have to listen to us.
- That would be awesome sauce, but
security's gonna be super tight.
- Bro, doesn't your cuck
dad have security plans?
You should totally get them.
So America can be
reborn in the ashes of Australia.
- What's that?
- Nothing, nothing.
Uh, just, thinking about, uh,
hamburgers and hot dogs and stuff.
- Oi, Mr. Wagon.
Hand over the boy.
Aw, g'day, Captain Australia.
Darn it, that's a
good superhero name!
No, resist his charm.
In the name of Dapto and all that is good,
I command you to stop influencing my son.
- Maybe I don't want
to be your son anymore.
- Don't be ridiculous,
Liam. Get in the car.
- You want Liam? You
gotta race me first.
From here to that bridge
is exactly a quarter mile.
And I live a quarter
mile at a time.
Four hundred and
two point three meters at a time.
Pfft, whatever.
What matters is the
winner gets Liam.
Liam! This is insane!
Sounds like your old
man's scared, Liam.
- Of course, he is.
He's Australian.
Fine. Let's race, Yank.
Go!
Kevin... wouldn't hurt
to go a bit faster, mate.
- I can't, Koala Mask!
This is a 60 zone!
This is a
race for our son!
My son.
Look, Chad may know how to drive
fast, but I know Dapto's roads.
There's a speed bump coming up
and a traffic camera after that.
He's going far too fast.
If the bump doesn't get
him, the camera will.
Nooo!
Lawless American! You cheated!
You lost, you little bitch.
That was amazing!
And now Liam's mine.
Liam, you're not serious.
You're not
my mi familia, Koala Man,
and now you're not
my family either.
You are Liam Wagon now.
I love you, Chad Wagon.
Please, son, call me Dad Wagon.
♪ There comes a time ♪
♪ When the world is
fighting against you ♪
♪ You're feeling its
weight on your shoulders ♪
♪ Crushing you into dirt ♪
♪ But there comes a time ♪
♪ When you face your
fears headlong ♪
♪ Headstrong ♪
♪ This is your moment ♪
♪ Let's turn up the heat ♪
♪ It's time to play ♪
♪ Stand up and fight! ♪
♪ Stand up and fight, yeah ♪
♪ Stand up for what... ♪
♪ Stand up for what is right ♪
♪ Stand up and fight! ♪
Oh,
Liam, sweet Liam.
How I wish you were
here to see this.
No. I must focus on
the task at hand.
Protecting the Queen!
Oh, looky here,
it's Slippy Vicky.
Shut your face, Saucy.
My daughter is going to
crush yours into porridge.
- You need to let go of the past,
Vicky. It's actually embarrassing.
And the present.
Your current life is
also very embarrassing.
- I think our daughters' performances
will be the judge of that.
With just two contestants left,
it's time for the highlight of
the event: the Sausage Strut.
- Alison, I just want to say, I know
there's bad blood between our mothers,
but may the best person win.
- You're not a person. You're
a fuckin' sausage roll.
- Make some noise for
Saucyyyyy Juniooooor!
Three nines from the judges!
That savory girl sure is sweet!
And now, put your oven mitts
together for the last finalist:
Alison Williams!
Uggh!
Whoaaa...
- Whooo! Fuck you, you lunch
order slut! In your face!
Dad Wagon, what are you doing?
- Just making a few changes to
make your stunt a little more...
memorable.
D-D-D-Don't worry.
Just a safety precaution.
Now go make Dad Wagon proud!
U-S-A! U-S-A!
U-S-A! U-S-A!
- And now, here to
crown Miss Sausage Roll,
the Queen of Australia,
Nicole Kidman!
Hooly dooly, Dapto.
It's a bloody honor to be here.
- To think, there's my Alison standing
next to the Queen of Australia.
What's that?
There shouldn't be any
cars within the perimeter!
Alright, bit of shush now.
Funny story, when I was little,
I thought I'd move to America
and enter an arranged
marriage with a space messiah
before settling into a series
of prestige television dramas
where I'd play sad
mums in cardigans.
But after America fell, I decided
to stay here and become your queen.
Pretty cool, huh?
Anyway, congrats,
Miss Sausage Roll!
Autopilot activated.
Kill Queen, frame Liam, reboot
Australia into America 2.0.
What?
No, no, no no!
Noooooo!
♪ ...everybody ♪
♪ I have come to take
you back with... ♪
the Queen of Australia
has just been grilled to death
on the hood of a race car,
driven by a small boy, who has
tragically died at the scene.
A muscly American
man is claiming
to be Australia's new leader, and
we're all kind of going with it.
- Oh, no, Maxwell! You
mustn't change the past!
Anyway, we all
live in America 2.0 now,
and it's totally awesome sauce!
- Ooh! Blasphemy! To
hell with the law!
Pick up, Koala Man, pick up!
- To think, there's my Alison standing
next to the Queen of Australia.
I wish Liam was here to
see this.
What's that? There shouldn't be
any cars within the perimeter!
Hey, Maxwell...
Oh, my God! Thank
you for warning me!
Though you have broken the Red Hot Rule,
and I'm gonna have to dob you in, mate.
Yeah, I'm gonna have to
tell the authorities.
Yeah, you can't... You
broke the law, mate.
Yeah, it's alright. Okay.
Yeah, no worries. See
ya later. Alright, bye.
One minute.
Time to save my son, Queen Nicole
Kidman, and all of Australia!
Pretty cool, huh?
Anyway, congrats, Miss
Sausage Roll!
I did it.
I'll be the most powerful
girl in school by tomorrow.
I'm so happy. This is the
best moment of my life.
Alison! The Queen!
Agh! They've grilled my girl!
No, no, no!
Ahhhh!
Ahhh!
Saucy Junior saved my life.
She deserves to posthumously win
Miss Sausage Roll, not Alison!
Oh, my God! No! I was so close!
A heartbreaking chain of events.
If I may propose a moment of
silence for that brave sausage roll.
Anyway, who's excited
for the raffle?
Son, what happened
with the stunt?
You were gonna frame me!
- Sacrifices gotta be made
for the U-S of A, dawg!
I thought you understood.
We could've brought America
back, right here in Australia.
America 2.0, bro. All you
had to do was kill the Queen.
Hey, Chad, get away from my son!
- Dad!
- Mr. Wagon,
I demand you leave
Dapto at once!
- Or what? You
wanna race for it?
- No. That's the problem
with you lawless Americans.
You're brash, arrogant,
overmuscled buffoons.
You can't say that to me.
- I can say whatever I want to you
because of the First Amendment.
I realize now, to
beat an American,
I must understand Americans and
try to share my son's passion.
And there's nothing you Americans
are more passionate about
than freedom of speech!
Isn't that right,
you filthy... drongo.
No, stop!
- You bloody wanker!
- No, no, stop!
- Knobhead!
- No, no!
No! Leave me alone!
Chad! Was any of it real?
Was I ever your... mi familia?
- Liam, you'll always
be my mi famil...
Just desserts.
- Sorry, Dad. I don't
know what came over me.
I understand, Liam.
You fell under the
spell of America.
I did, too, when I was your age.
But we're Australian, Liam.
And we have to make the
best of what we have.
Can I still say
"ketchup" sometimes?
I'll think about it.
- Drop the charges, Time
Bobbies, he saved my life.
C'mon, Maxwell,
let's get you home.
Oh, bless you, Your Majesty!
They really went
all out for her.
Alison, how are you
feeling after losing?
Do you feel like going
on a seven-year bender
and settling into a life
of quiet desperation? Hmm?
How do I feel?
I feel fine, actually.
Huh.
I guess one disappointment doesn't have
to dictate the course of your entire life.
Maybe things would have been
exactly the same even if I won.
I would have ended up
here anyway... Hmm.
That coffin's empty, you know.
They fed Saucy Junior
to needy families.
An Australian hero.
Just like you, Dad.
Hmm. I suppose I am.
Chad! Mi familia...
President Mummy shall
have her revenge!
the memories come flooding back
to the day I changed the world.
- Father, have you heard any news
of the Titanic's maiden voyage?
"The unsinkable ship" they call it! I
sure hope it arrives safely in America.
- Extry, extry! The
Titanic has sunk!
1,500 dead in freak accident!
All those innocent people!
If only there was something we
could have done to save them.
If not for the Red
Hot Rule, we could...
The Red Hot Rule?
- Maxwell, did you know
that being in Australia,
we're actually 15
hours ahead of the USA?
You mean, we're in the future?
- Yes. Right now, in the Atlantic,
the Titanic has yet to sink.
In fact, if you were
to call and warn 'em,
they'd probably have about...
five minutes to prepare.
But we Australians have sworn to
never interfere with the flow of time.
Violating the Red Hot Rule
is our greatest crime.
Do you understand, Maxwell?
Maxwell!
Nooo!
- Sir! It's a telegram
from the Australian future!
"G'day mate. Stop.
"Cobba, ya ship's
about to crash. Stop.
You have five minutes,
I reckon. Stop."
- Crash? Why would we crash
in the next five minutes?
We've already noticed
that iceberg over there.
What could possibly put us
in such unexpected danger?
I don't know, sir.
But maybe we should hold off on
opening this cursed sarcophagus?
Ah. Yeah, I suppose
you're right.
Take it back down to cargo,
and send Australia our thanks
for changing history, will you?
- Father! I did it! I saved...
Oh! Father?
Take him
away, Time Bobbies.
I have no son.
I should
have listened to my father.
How was I supposed
to know about...
her?
♪ Hello, everybody ♪
♪ I have come to take
you back with me ♪
♪ To a land of liberty... ♪
She joined the army, led
America to victory in two World Wars,
and eventually was sworn
in as President Mummy.
One day, when
signing a peace deal,
she fell in love with that
commie bastard Brezhnev.
They both abandoned their people
for a quiet life on the moon,
which left the world in chaos.
Soon after, the bombs started flying
and America became a toxic wasteland,
except for Hollywood, which broke
off and became a floating island.
But I know the Americans are still
out there, biding their time.
Waiting for the perfect
moment to strike!
Oooh!
And that's how I
fucked up the future.
Koala Kode 2,040.
If it doesn't have
a collar, it's not a shirt.
I never realized
how amazing Americans are!
Chad Wagon says every meal comes
with a side dish of freedom!
Totally awesome sauce.
Liam, please.
I only wanted to come to this
ridiculous novelty restaurant
for your twin birthdays
because I thought seeing how
America's lawless attitudes
drove them to destruction
would serve as a
cautionary tale.
- It's working.
This birthday sucks.
Your plan backfired, Dad.
Now I see how boring
Australians are.
All we care about is footy
or sharks or whatever.
Chad Wagon says Americans
solve most of their problems
through illegal street racing.
I wish I
were American...
America blew itself up!
That's why all the Americans have
come here to a sensible country.
Hey, everyone, ah...
this is, uh... a robbery.
We're fuckin' robbin' youse.
Yeah, give us ya cash or like...
we'll fuckin' shank
ya or some shit.
Kevin, do something!
- Yes, I'd say this is
a job for Koala Man...
Oh, my God, it's Chad Wagon!
♪ Out on the run,
under the gun ♪
He's perfect.
I would have gotten here sooner,
but parking, am I right, bro?
♪ Raise your hands when
you wanna let it go... ♪
- Can you pretty please teach me how
to be a fun, freedom-loving American?
- I don't know. Do you have
what it takes to be mi familia?
- Mi familia?
- Mi familia.
The family you create when your real
family won't accept you for who you are.
- Actually, Liam already has a very
accepting and Australian family.
He doesn't need to be infected
with your American ideas.
- Dude, I wouldn't listen to this
guy. He looks about 5' 7", max.
See ya around, bro.
- Quiet down, you lot.
Big Greg has big news.
I've just received word that the
Queen herself is coming to Dapto.
Anyone wanna volunteer for the absolute
dog shit job of keeping Her Majesty safe?
- Oh, I do! Me-me-me! Me!
I have it on good authority that Dapto's
handsome and virile superhero Koala Man
would also like to be involved,
uh, perhaps as a means of
demonstrating to his son
just how cool
Australians can be.
Yeah, yeah, don't care.
One more thing... 'cause there is
fuck all to do in this wonderful town,
we'll be bringing forward
the Miss Sausage Roll Pageant
so the Queen can
crown the winner.
Now, I know that this is last minute,
but I'm sure we can find some desperate,
psychotic, unpopular losers who
want to be Miss Sausage Roll.
Mum, I'm entering
Miss Sausage Roll.
But I need you to buy
me a new swimsuit!
I got my eye on this one. It
barely covers tit and slit.
- Language! And I forbid
you from entering.
- But, Muuum, if I win,
I get to meet the Queen!
Not even Rosie Yodels
has met the Queen!
I said no!
You don't understand.
You've been a solid
five your entire life.
Oh, have I?
Mum? You were hot?
I went after the Miss Sausage
Roll crown with everything I had.
And I lost.
All because of Saucy Simmons.
Sure, she had a natural advantage,
seeing as she was a sausage roll,
but I figured, a naive little pastry
from the burbs wasn't a threat.
But during the finals, Saucy
poured a bottle of vegetable oil
all over herself as she
did the Sausage Strut.
I slipped on her
greasy trail and fell.
And I saw her laughing.
She wanted me to fall.
That flaky, buttery bitch!
- After I lost, I didn't
know who I was anymore.
I went on a seven-year bender...
made a lot of friends.
What about Dad?
He insisted on calling
it a long-distance relationship,
but we were on a break.
After a while, I returned to
Dapto and married your father.
But if not for Saucy Simmons,
I'd have won Miss Sausage Roll,
and everything
would be different.
Everything.
You're not entering
and that's final.
What are these, you ask?
Only top-secret security
plans for the Queen's visit!
Cool.
- The Queen is coming to visit
Dapto! Why aren't you more excited?
- I'd be more excited, but Mum's refusing
to train me for Miss Sausage Roll.
For your own good, Alison.
- Ah, I remember your Miss
Sausage Roll days, Vicky.
Some of those pictures
really sustained me
through our seven-year
long-distance relationship.
Mmm! Yummy!
I'm really enjoying this
authentic Australian meat pie,
made with a native
Australian animal.
Needs ketchup.
- Liam, in Australia
we say "tomato sauce."
- I just don't get why we can't
have fries like at Chad Wagon's.
Chips, Liam! They're
called chips!
I don't even know
who you are anymore!
Maybe you never did!
Now I know why I've never fit
in with other Australians!
Because in my heart, I've
been American all along!
That's what Chad says.
That's right. I went to see
Chad after school today.
- I don't want you
hanging around that man!
- You may be my family but
you're not my mi familia.
Chad says you wouldn't hide
behind a mask if you were.
You told him my
secret identity?!
That's just... oooh,
I'm very cross now.
- Oh, and FYI: tomato
sauce is not awesome sauce!
Chad Wagon!
- I just don't understand why Liam insists
on fraternizing with a lawless American.
I can feel it in my willies,
this Chad Wagon is bad news.
- Yeah, KM, what did we do to deserve
these Americans invading our shores?
- No one could have
known the consequences!
I just wanted to save
the beautiful ship!
- Oi, I think Maxwell's got a
touch of the old dementia, mate.
No! Many years ago,
I made a mistake.
I violated the Red Hot Rule.
- What?! What are you talking
about? Keep your voice down!
Good joke.
Are you fuckin' crazy,
you old bastard?
You want to get nicked
by the Time Bobbies?
Already did.
Spent 20 years in Time Jail.
If not for me, President Mummy
would have been at the bottom
of the sea on the Titanic.
And everything
that came after...
It's all my fault!
Mark my words, if Americans are
involved, something terrible will happen.
I'm leaving town!
You should too!
- All right then, see
ya tomorrow, Maxwell.
Maxwell's right about one thing.
This American is only
going to make things worse.
Maybe it's time he
had a chat with...
Koala Man.
AKA me.
Hello, Mother.
You'll never guess who's
entered Miss Sausage Roll.
Saucy Simmons...
Don't be absurd.
She's far too old.
Junior!
- She's got her mother's
flakes, I'll give her that much.
And she's the heavy
favorite to win.
Unless someone were to
come along and defeat her.
- Alison, no. You don't
know what you're asking.
- You need revenge. I
need to become popular.
If you teach me, maybe we
can win this thing, together.
Very well.
But just know, pageants turn the
sweetest women into monsters.
- Mum, I'm a 14-year-old
girl. I'm already a monster.
I'm not talking
about you, Alison.
Time to train.
Yes, Mum.
I wish you could have
seen America in the glory days.
It was paradise, bro.
So, how did you end up in Dapto?
- Once Hollywood became an island,
I knew America was finished.
But I couldn't just let
American raditude die out.
So I bought the only
ticket I could afford
and came to Australia
and opened my restaurant,
where every day is
red, white, and blue.
- The Australian flag is
also red, white, and blue.
But ours is better.
Look, I'm not gonna lie to you.
It isn't easy being an
American refugee, kid.
I just wish we had a real
home here in Australia,
somewhere we could call our own.
But the Queen will
never go for it.
That staunchy fuckin' bitch.
- Maybe we just need to show her how
great the American way of life is.
Dude! Killer idea!
We should do a kickass car stunt
for her when she comes to Dapto!
She'll be so impressed,
she'll have to listen to us.
- That would be awesome sauce, but
security's gonna be super tight.
- Bro, doesn't your cuck
dad have security plans?
You should totally get them.
So America can be
reborn in the ashes of Australia.
- What's that?
- Nothing, nothing.
Uh, just, thinking about, uh,
hamburgers and hot dogs and stuff.
- Oi, Mr. Wagon.
Hand over the boy.
Aw, g'day, Captain Australia.
Darn it, that's a
good superhero name!
No, resist his charm.
In the name of Dapto and all that is good,
I command you to stop influencing my son.
- Maybe I don't want
to be your son anymore.
- Don't be ridiculous,
Liam. Get in the car.
- You want Liam? You
gotta race me first.
From here to that bridge
is exactly a quarter mile.
And I live a quarter
mile at a time.
Four hundred and
two point three meters at a time.
Pfft, whatever.
What matters is the
winner gets Liam.
Liam! This is insane!
Sounds like your old
man's scared, Liam.
- Of course, he is.
He's Australian.
Fine. Let's race, Yank.
Go!
Kevin... wouldn't hurt
to go a bit faster, mate.
- I can't, Koala Mask!
This is a 60 zone!
This is a
race for our son!
My son.
Look, Chad may know how to drive
fast, but I know Dapto's roads.
There's a speed bump coming up
and a traffic camera after that.
He's going far too fast.
If the bump doesn't get
him, the camera will.
Nooo!
Lawless American! You cheated!
You lost, you little bitch.
That was amazing!
And now Liam's mine.
Liam, you're not serious.
You're not
my mi familia, Koala Man,
and now you're not
my family either.
You are Liam Wagon now.
I love you, Chad Wagon.
Please, son, call me Dad Wagon.
♪ There comes a time ♪
♪ When the world is
fighting against you ♪
♪ You're feeling its
weight on your shoulders ♪
♪ Crushing you into dirt ♪
♪ But there comes a time ♪
♪ When you face your
fears headlong ♪
♪ Headstrong ♪
♪ This is your moment ♪
♪ Let's turn up the heat ♪
♪ It's time to play ♪
♪ Stand up and fight! ♪
♪ Stand up and fight, yeah ♪
♪ Stand up for what... ♪
♪ Stand up for what is right ♪
♪ Stand up and fight! ♪
Oh,
Liam, sweet Liam.
How I wish you were
here to see this.
No. I must focus on
the task at hand.
Protecting the Queen!
Oh, looky here,
it's Slippy Vicky.
Shut your face, Saucy.
My daughter is going to
crush yours into porridge.
- You need to let go of the past,
Vicky. It's actually embarrassing.
And the present.
Your current life is
also very embarrassing.
- I think our daughters' performances
will be the judge of that.
With just two contestants left,
it's time for the highlight of
the event: the Sausage Strut.
- Alison, I just want to say, I know
there's bad blood between our mothers,
but may the best person win.
- You're not a person. You're
a fuckin' sausage roll.
- Make some noise for
Saucyyyyy Juniooooor!
Three nines from the judges!
That savory girl sure is sweet!
And now, put your oven mitts
together for the last finalist:
Alison Williams!
Uggh!
Whoaaa...
- Whooo! Fuck you, you lunch
order slut! In your face!
Dad Wagon, what are you doing?
- Just making a few changes to
make your stunt a little more...
memorable.
D-D-D-Don't worry.
Just a safety precaution.
Now go make Dad Wagon proud!
U-S-A! U-S-A!
U-S-A! U-S-A!
- And now, here to
crown Miss Sausage Roll,
the Queen of Australia,
Nicole Kidman!
Hooly dooly, Dapto.
It's a bloody honor to be here.
- To think, there's my Alison standing
next to the Queen of Australia.
What's that?
There shouldn't be any
cars within the perimeter!
Alright, bit of shush now.
Funny story, when I was little,
I thought I'd move to America
and enter an arranged
marriage with a space messiah
before settling into a series
of prestige television dramas
where I'd play sad
mums in cardigans.
But after America fell, I decided
to stay here and become your queen.
Pretty cool, huh?
Anyway, congrats,
Miss Sausage Roll!
Autopilot activated.
Kill Queen, frame Liam, reboot
Australia into America 2.0.
What?
No, no, no no!
Noooooo!
♪ ...everybody ♪
♪ I have come to take
you back with... ♪
the Queen of Australia
has just been grilled to death
on the hood of a race car,
driven by a small boy, who has
tragically died at the scene.
A muscly American
man is claiming
to be Australia's new leader, and
we're all kind of going with it.
- Oh, no, Maxwell! You
mustn't change the past!
Anyway, we all
live in America 2.0 now,
and it's totally awesome sauce!
- Ooh! Blasphemy! To
hell with the law!
Pick up, Koala Man, pick up!
- To think, there's my Alison standing
next to the Queen of Australia.
I wish Liam was here to
see this.
What's that? There shouldn't be
any cars within the perimeter!
Hey, Maxwell...
Oh, my God! Thank
you for warning me!
Though you have broken the Red Hot Rule,
and I'm gonna have to dob you in, mate.
Yeah, I'm gonna have to
tell the authorities.
Yeah, you can't... You
broke the law, mate.
Yeah, it's alright. Okay.
Yeah, no worries. See
ya later. Alright, bye.
One minute.
Time to save my son, Queen Nicole
Kidman, and all of Australia!
Pretty cool, huh?
Anyway, congrats, Miss
Sausage Roll!
I did it.
I'll be the most powerful
girl in school by tomorrow.
I'm so happy. This is the
best moment of my life.
Alison! The Queen!
Agh! They've grilled my girl!
No, no, no!
Ahhhh!
Ahhh!
Saucy Junior saved my life.
She deserves to posthumously win
Miss Sausage Roll, not Alison!
Oh, my God! No! I was so close!
A heartbreaking chain of events.
If I may propose a moment of
silence for that brave sausage roll.
Anyway, who's excited
for the raffle?
Son, what happened
with the stunt?
You were gonna frame me!
- Sacrifices gotta be made
for the U-S of A, dawg!
I thought you understood.
We could've brought America
back, right here in Australia.
America 2.0, bro. All you
had to do was kill the Queen.
Hey, Chad, get away from my son!
- Dad!
- Mr. Wagon,
I demand you leave
Dapto at once!
- Or what? You
wanna race for it?
- No. That's the problem
with you lawless Americans.
You're brash, arrogant,
overmuscled buffoons.
You can't say that to me.
- I can say whatever I want to you
because of the First Amendment.
I realize now, to
beat an American,
I must understand Americans and
try to share my son's passion.
And there's nothing you Americans
are more passionate about
than freedom of speech!
Isn't that right,
you filthy... drongo.
No, stop!
- You bloody wanker!
- No, no, stop!
- Knobhead!
- No, no!
No! Leave me alone!
Chad! Was any of it real?
Was I ever your... mi familia?
- Liam, you'll always
be my mi famil...
Just desserts.
- Sorry, Dad. I don't
know what came over me.
I understand, Liam.
You fell under the
spell of America.
I did, too, when I was your age.
But we're Australian, Liam.
And we have to make the
best of what we have.
Can I still say
"ketchup" sometimes?
I'll think about it.
- Drop the charges, Time
Bobbies, he saved my life.
C'mon, Maxwell,
let's get you home.
Oh, bless you, Your Majesty!
They really went
all out for her.
Alison, how are you
feeling after losing?
Do you feel like going
on a seven-year bender
and settling into a life
of quiet desperation? Hmm?
How do I feel?
I feel fine, actually.
Huh.
I guess one disappointment doesn't have
to dictate the course of your entire life.
Maybe things would have been
exactly the same even if I won.
I would have ended up
here anyway... Hmm.
That coffin's empty, you know.
They fed Saucy Junior
to needy families.
An Australian hero.
Just like you, Dad.
Hmm. I suppose I am.
Chad! Mi familia...
President Mummy shall
have her revenge!