Koala Man (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Deep Pockets - full transcript
Vicky bans soft drinks at school.
Thank
you for coming, dear.
I saw your flyer. You
must be very busy.
- Ah, yeah. Hotline's
been ringing off the hook.
But it's no problem, Mrs. Banks.
Now what's the emergency?
- Oh, well, my son Matthew
bought me a Blu-Ray player,
but I can't seem to get
the bloody thing to work.
- This is not the proper use of
the Koala Hotline, Mrs. Banks,
but since I'm here...
Okay, I see your problem. Your
TV needs to be on "HDMI 1."
You see this button
here that says "source"?
Press "source" then
"OK" for "HDMI 1."
- Wait-wait-wait, just
let me put my glasses on.
Now which one is it?
"Source" then
"OK" for "HDMI 1."
- Oh, there's lots of
buttons aren't there?
It's very complicated.
- J-Just pay attention so you can
learn for next time, Mrs. Banks.
Just "source" and then
"OK" for "HDMI 1."
- Okay, um, wh-where will I
see... Where will I see that?
- Yeah, on the TV screen, yep.
- Uh...
Oh, yeah, oh, there he is.
- Just, uh... maybe you try.
- Um...
- Just press "source"
then "OK" for "HDMI 1."
- Y-You're going very fast!
You're going too fast for me.
- Just there. Just press the button.
- Can you slow down a bit?
- Mrs. Banks? It's quite simple,
actually. If you just press there.
- I'm not following...
- Then you can go down...
"HDMI 1," you see that?
- Stop, just slow down.
- Press that button.
- "Source."
- Stop! You're going too fast!
Just... Get out!
Get out, Koala Man!
You're sick!
The power's gone to your head!
- Just try to collect
yourself, Mrs. Banks.
I'll go have a look at the switchboard.
Then we can try this again.
Who the bloody hell are you lot?
Tradies!
Sparky!
Brickie!
Chippy!
Lady Tradie!
Oi, fuckhead!
You got a permit to be
touching that switchboard?
This is Tradie territory.
You some kind of
Koala Tradie dickhead?
No permit. I'm just
helping Mrs. Banks.
And I'm not a Tradie, I'm a
superhero, thank you very much.
- Ha, you hear that, boys? This
unit reckons he's a superhero.
You got a license, bro? Because
you ain't shit without a license.
- Well, no, it's more of
a self-appointed position.
- I didn't do the hard yards as
an apprentice for all those years
so some fake hero shitcunt
could take my job.
- He, he, yeah, you
tell 'em, Brickie! Heh!
- We ever catch you
doing Tradie work again,
we'll burn you to a
fuckin' crisp, mate.
We run this town.
See that? That's how a licensed
professional flips a switch.
I could have done that.
Koala Kode 150.
Remember, kids, art is
a hobby, not a career...
No.
And that is why, as Dapto's
greatest and only superhero,
I should be officially licensed
like any Tradie would.
Call me a Supie.
I see.
Normally, I would have my assistant
Kevin throw you out on your arse
for barging in here, but he's been
in the bathroom for some time now.
Between you and me, I think he's having
a wank in there. He's quite repressed.
- Well, I think Kevin's actually
pretty cool if you ask me.
- As to your request, in order
to receive a license in Dapto,
you must show that you provide
a unique service to this town.
As far as I can tell, mate,
your only skill is having
a full-on mental breakdown.
If I'm hearing you correctly,
you're saying if I crack a
big case no one else can,
you'll have no choice but to declare me
Dapto's official superhero in residence?
- If that's what you want to take
away from this, sure, whatever.
Then the quest is given!
Ah, Kevin Williams!
There you are!
Back from the bathroom in a
perfectly reasonable amount of time!
That's our Kevin.
Hello, students, you're probably
wondering why I'm so excited.
Well, it's because today
is a very exciting day!
North Dapto High is starting
a new health food initiative
called "Lean Canteen!"
Thank you, Principal Bazwell.
Yes, as of today, sugary,
carbonated beverages
will no longer be allowed
on school premises.
- That'll do it. Locked up
tighter than a nun's clacker.
This is bullshit!
I need my fizzy!
- Look, I know you kids
all love sugary drinks,
but as your canteen lady, I've seen
firsthand what this stuff can do to you.
Rotten teeth, focus problems.
And of course,
type two diabetes.
That's the one you
have to work for.
- But don't worry, I've come up
with yummy beverage alternatives
I'm sure you're gonna love!
- Now since this was
Canteen Lady Vicky's idea,
it will be up to her to enforce this
rule and distribute all punishment.
Now,
pop off back to class!
- There's no way they're
taking away my fizzy...
They seem to be
taking it pretty hard.
- Poppycock, Vicky!
They'll come around.
At least I hope they do, because
doing all this was very expensive,
and your job depends on
it, Vicky, believe you me.
The fizzy pop must flow,
or the canteen lady's
head is sure to go!
- What do you think
about these cool shorts?
Pretty practical, right?
Just like Dad always says.
Look at how deep
these pockets are!
I could keep a sword in
here... no, a katana!
No, a Scottish claymore! Really
any kind of melee weapon.
- I don't care how deep
your pockets are, Liam.
I don't think you understand
what's about to happen.
Because Mum banned fizzy drink,
everyone in school is going to
hate us more than they already do!
- You're overreacting, sissy of
mine. Surely no one will blame us.
- Your bitch mum confiscated
my fizzy. Now you're gonna pay.
Wait! You want fizzy?
I can get you as much
fizzy as you want.
Hmmm, you better.
Or I'm gonna tell everyone that
you got fingered by Gemma's brother
and then you thought you got pregnant
so you did ten pregnancy tests
and it was embarrassing
for everyone.
M'kay, byeeeeee.
- Where are we going
to get that much soda?
- Do you remember when Dad
tried to throw that party
for the queen's birthday
and no one came?
He bought loads of soda, and it's
sitting in our house even as we speak.
If they catch us, we
could get expelled.
By our own mum!
Liam, if we pull this off,
we'll become two of the most
powerful and popular kids in Dapto.
- But how are we going to sneak
fizzy drink into the school?
We have deep pockets.
Come on, ring.
Ring! Bring me a
case, Koala Hotline!
The ever-vigilant eye of
Koala Man stands ready.
Ginger carrot juice
pouch, sweetheart?
Thank you, Miss Vicky.
Mmmmm! My tummy's full,
but my body's healthy!
Aww, aren't you a dear?
Ah! My healthy initiative!
Noooooo!
- Any minute now, the
big case will come in.
I hope.
Hm, perhaps I didn't
print enough flyers.
- You don't need a license to
compete with those nasty Tradies.
You're good, honorable, cuddly.
Truly the best of us.
- Right on all accounts, Louise. At
least someone around here gets it.
- This country's taking
an elevator to hell
and stopping at every shit
floor on the way down.
Someone needs to
set things right!
- Oh, I don't know, KM, how can
you compete with the Tradies?
They're like royalty!
They run Australia!
Some say the Tradies
aren't even human,
that they have
special abilitieeees.
Ooh, did that scare you?
- I read on Facebook
that, in other countries,
skilled laborers are at the
bottom of the social food chain.
And here they're living legends.
And so shall I be too.
As soon as the phone rings.
It's on!
What is the nature
of your emergency?
Kevin, someone's
smuggled soda into the school!
Two kids OD'd. They're
off their bloody chops.
Principal Bazwell's in a tizz.
I'm worried I could lose my job!
Are you saying you've got a
case for me? - What? No!
Kevin, I just wanted a little
emotional support from my husband.
- But I'm afraid you
didn't call your husband.
You called the only hero in this town
who can help you catch the smuggler.
I accidentally called
your Koala Man Hotline, didn't I?
Indeed, you did.
♪ Dirty Deeds ♪
♪ Done dirt cheap ♪
♪ Dirty Deeds ♪
♪ Done dirt cheap ♪
♪ Dirty Deeds ♪
♪ Done dirt cheap ♪
♪ Dirty Deeds and
they're done dirt cheap ♪
- Oh!
- ♪ Dirty Deeds ♪
♪ And they're done dirt cheap ♪
♪ Yeahhhh... ♪
Another ginger carrot
pouch, darling?
Shove that healthy shit!
Kevin?!
I don't know to whom
you're referring.
Is Kevin your husband?
Because he sounds really cool.
- Koala Man, what do
you think you're doing?
- I received your call on the Koala
Hotline, and I'm here to help.
- I specifically told you that calling
the hotline was a mistake I deeply regret
and your help was not needed.
- Which made me realize just
how serious the situation was.
You obviously needed someone uniquely
equipped to handle a smuggling ring.
And it's a good thing I'm here,
because I discovered a clue.
Jesus Christ, Kevin.
- Yep, that's LA Ice, same
kind of fizzy drink I bought
for my massively attended
queen's birthday party.
Whoever this crime lord
is has great taste.
- It's just a kid smuggling
soda into the school.
I can handle this myself just by talking
to the children on their own level.
I guess I can give that a shot.
Hey, who's bringin'
in the fizzy?!
Sorry, Vicky. Your
way does not work.
- We're running out of product.
Soda's sold out everywhere in Dapto.
I didn't anticipate
this much demand!
Maybe we should give it up?
You've had your fun, but
the heat's coming down!
Mum and Dad are
hot on our trail.
I need more fizzy!
- Uh, come back tomorrow.
- Don't blow this, Alison.
You were the least popular girl
in school, and you can be again.
What are we going to do, Liam?
- We have to run away from
Dapto. It's our only choice!
I hear you're in
the fizzy game...
What? Who told you that?
No, no, no, no. We love,
uh, ginger carrot pouches!
Don't bullshit me, young Sheila.
I used to be quite
a ripper in my time.
You ever service two bike gangs
in one day to stop a turf war?
Nah, you wouldn't
have the stamina.
But if you want the fizzy,
I can put you in touch
with some old friends...
for a cut, of course.
You're on.
Okay, time to do this your way.
Hey, kids.
I know it's hard to tell an adult
when your friends are misbehaving,
but it's important
you tell me the truth.
Who's bringing the
fizzy drink in?
- Good try, Vicky. But that's
no way to make a child break.
- Kevin, I'm not trying to break them!
I'm trying to be direct and forthright.
I know the criminal
heart, Vicky.
When I see the culprit,
I'll know it instantly.
Which is precisely why I installed
cameras in the boys' toilets.
That's where the deals
are probably taking place.
We have 360-degree
vision of every stall.
4K Ultra HD.
- You can't put up cameras in the
boys' toilets, you'll go to jail!
- Oh, it's fine! They're concealed under
the seats so no one will ever find them.
- We're not spying on the
children, Kevin! Just go home!
I allowed myself to think for one
second maybe we could do this together,
but clearly I was mistaken.
Please leave before I get fired!
You're not a
legitimate superhero.
- Well, that's not a very supportive
thing for a Koala Companion to say.
- I'm really scared, Alison.
Can we please just go home?
No! This is happening.
Janine's contacts
should be here already.
You the kids that want soda?
We can get you soda.
The Tradies run this town.
- Principal Bazwell, do
you think a good person
can do a bad thing
and still be good?
- Liam, I know it's an old cliché
about the principal being your pal,
but maybe this principal can help you
get back in touch with your principles.
Ohhhhh! Wordplay!
I thought you'd enjoy that.
I want to talk to
the authentic Liam.
Not the Liam you think you should be,
but the Liam who lives in your heart.
God's Liam.
Um... hi?
Oh. Hi, Authentic Liam.
What's going on, man?
- I'm worried about my sister.
She's fallen in with a rough crowd.
- Aw, man, that sucks, dude. Are
they engaging in risky behaviors?
You could say that.
I'm worried someone
will get hurt.
Ugh! Always bloody construction.
Huh?
What are you Tradies doing?
No!
- You know, Liam, my man, sometimes
the bravest thing you can do
is confront someone when
they're on the wrong path, yeah?
Stand up to Alison?
Of course! I know
just who to call.
Thank you, Princi... PAL!
I'm a punisher for puns.
- After this, you're
out of the fizzy game.
That's plenty of crime for
Liam, thank you very much.
Ahh! Liam?!
- I really thought I
could crack this case.
Mrs. Koala Man's cross with me, and
I'm no closer to finding the culprit.
I had one chance to prove to Big
Greg I deserve a hero license,
but I reckon I'll
never be a Supie now.
- I say we go down to that school and beat
the devil out of those little bastards.
No mercy!
- I wish it were that simple, Maxwell.
Maybe Dapto doesn't need Koala Man.
The only calls on the Koala
Hotline are quite abusive.
I've stopped checking
it, actually.
- Don't be silly! Nobody could
ever hate you, Koala Man.
- I'm sure it's not that bad. Go
on then, let us have a listen.
Hello-ah-ah-ah! You're a dickhead!
Yeah, you got a little
dick on your head! Ha, ha!
Hello, Koala Man?
The Blu-Ray's out again. I'll
call you again in ten minutes.
Ah,
yes, Koala Man,
this is an adult
calling, not your son,
to tell you that if you want to get
to the bottom of the fizzy ring,
there's a big meeting
happening tonight
at the abandoned
warehouse on Ashby Street.
Uh, who am I?
I'm just a concerned
citizen who's been stabbed.
Uh, yes, I'm dead.
But, but do please go to that
warehouse. Okay, goodbye.
- Jesus fackin' Christ! A murder!
Right on the Koala Hotline!
To the Koala Mobile!
Actually, can I
borrow some money?
The Koala Mobile's low on petrol
and I left my wallet at home.
Vicky?
Did you koala climb up here too?
I took the stairs.
Ah. Conventional.
What are you doing here?
- Thanks to my legitimate
superhero hotline,
I've cracked the case, actually.
What are you doing here?
Well, by actually
listening to the kids,
I figured out who's been
smuggling the fizzy drink.
Dear God.
Our beloved boy is clearly being
influenced by that hooded hoodlum.
Did you get the stuff?
Here's the money.
- This'll see you sitting
pretty for a year or more.
Regular, diet, even that
sugary shit from America.
Not that we'd ever drink it.
You don't get abs like this
from drinking soda, bro.
I don't understand.
You're some of the richest,
hottest people in town.
Why do you do this?
It's about power.
Most places in this world
look down on Tradies.
But here in Australia,
we're king of the castle.
We get a taste of every deal
that goes down in Dapto.
And I go home at night
to my beautiful, fit wife
and plow the shit out of her.
Yeah, he plows her rotten!
Really gives it to her!
Well put, Brickie.
- It's all here. You've actually
given us a little too much.
Here's your change. Thanks
for respecting the process.
This deal couldn't
have gone any better.
Liam Leslie Williams!
- Mum?!
- Mum? This is a classic stitch-up!
The kid stitched us up!
Your soda
operation is about to go flat!
I should have known you
Tradies were up to no good.
Turn yourselves in, and
I'll consider showing mercy.
- You should have never
come here, Koala Man.
I told you if I ever saw you
again, I'd burn you to a crisp.
And I meant it.
I'm gonna work my wood! Hahaha!
Bro, you need a
better catchphrase.
- Help!
- Vicky!
Why are you in such
a hurry, Koala Man?
You need to slow down!
Nooooooooooooo!
This is what
happens to traitors.
I'm gonna blow a circuit...
in your brain!
Liam! No!
You've lost, Koala Man!
Tradies! Flex off, boys!
I'm gonna blow a
circuit... in your brain!
You'll never get away with this!
- We already have, baby.
It's time to cook the bear.
Ohh!
- How did you...
- I may not have superpowers,
but I always carry
a delicious ginger
carrot pouch for energy.
Aww.
- This is for the boy you
fried, who I've only just met,
but nonetheless
care deeply about!
I might just get out of your hair,
actually, I'll just get out of here.
That's it, Tradies. You had a fair
go, and you lost. Get outta here!
It is time.
We must summon Jack.
Who's this Jack you speak of?
Jack of all Tradies!
Boss Level!
Oh, this is definitely not on.
Uggh!
You got a permit?
No mates rates, you're
paying full price.
To get bashed!
Oi, dickhead, how
about a soft drink?
My perfectly healthy
and hot body!
Empty calories!
Uggh!
Aah... You avenged
our son, Vicky.
I should have listened to you.
Oh, Kevin!
I want you to know that you are
a first-rate Koala Companion.
Alison... use
the deep pockets...
Deep pockets?
I don't under...
Of course!
What happened?
Oh, Liam! You're alive! Mwah!
Kevin? What happened in
there? How did we...?
- I must have had a feat
of superhuman strength
and carried us all to
safety in some kind of daze.
I actually can't think of anything
else that it could've been.
- Mum! Dad! I've been
looking everywhere for you!
I tried to stop Liam,
but he wouldn't listen!
- Alison, Liam doesn't have it in him to
pull off this whole scheme by himself.
I want you to tell me: who's
been running the soda ring?
Mum, I'm not going
to lie to you...
- The last dance is always
the saddest, isn't it...
McKayla Taylor Mercedes?
- Janine, remove this person,
please. Take her to jail.
I'm innocent! I've been framed!
- It was Ali...
- Hush now, no one likes a squealer.
Thank you, Koala Man, I suppose.
Uh, we never could have
solved this without you.
Is that what you wanted to hear?
- And I never would have cracked
it without Canteen Lady Vicky.
She's a good'un.
Treat her right.
Are you here to give me my superhero
license and make it official, Big Greg?
- Yeah, piss off, Koala Man.
I was never gonna do that.
I just said that because I had to
take a shit and wanted you to leave.
Also, you drove all the
Tradies out of town, idiot!
Sure, they were corrupt, but who's
going to finish my fuckin' veranda?
So why are you here?
- I've come to announce that the Council
has declared this whole soda ban illegal.
What? Why? It's
helping the children!
- Dapto's greatest export is
unhealthy, unskilled laborers.
If these students
get too healthy,
how are we ever going to stock
Australia's factories and slaughterhouses?
You're hurting Dapto's bottom
line. So it's off. Hyah!
Soda's back on!
Fizzies!
Uh, Alison, can I talk to you?
- I thought you were grounded.
Father "confined you to quarters."
- He did. But I want
to tell you something,
and I didn't give away
your secret, so you owe me.
Uggh, fine.
- I came to tell you that
your pursuit of popularity
will only end in heartbreak.
It is foretold.
Back at the Tradie base,
I thought I heard
your voice in my head.
- I have no idea what
you're talking about.
Pfft, what does he know?
Sure, I'm out of the fizzy game,
but at least it wasn't a total loss.
I will become the Most
Powerful Girl at School.
- Uh-huh? Garden shears
missing for three days?
Yes, Mr. Russo, I think Koala
Man can look into this for you.
I'll pop around soon.
The Koala Hotline has
been ringing off the hook!
That's two calls today.
Real ones, not
just hateful slurs!
I think I might be
winning this town over.
I'm proud of you, Kevin.
And I'm sorry I said you
weren't a legitimate superhero.
I know Big Greg
disappointed you,
but for cracking the fizzy mystery,
I'd like to present you with this...
Vicky.
I don't know what to say.
I love it.
Oh, but did you have this done
on the UV acid-free paper?
Because otherwise it
will fade in the sun.
Oh, and is that a typo?
Oh, Vicky, Vicky, Vicky...
"Source."
"OK."
"HDMI 1."
I did it! All by myself.
Now I can finally
watch my snuff films.
Oh,
no! Mrs. Banks, no, no!
Squeal
for me, you yucky little pig.
Ah, that was a good one.
you for coming, dear.
I saw your flyer. You
must be very busy.
- Ah, yeah. Hotline's
been ringing off the hook.
But it's no problem, Mrs. Banks.
Now what's the emergency?
- Oh, well, my son Matthew
bought me a Blu-Ray player,
but I can't seem to get
the bloody thing to work.
- This is not the proper use of
the Koala Hotline, Mrs. Banks,
but since I'm here...
Okay, I see your problem. Your
TV needs to be on "HDMI 1."
You see this button
here that says "source"?
Press "source" then
"OK" for "HDMI 1."
- Wait-wait-wait, just
let me put my glasses on.
Now which one is it?
"Source" then
"OK" for "HDMI 1."
- Oh, there's lots of
buttons aren't there?
It's very complicated.
- J-Just pay attention so you can
learn for next time, Mrs. Banks.
Just "source" and then
"OK" for "HDMI 1."
- Okay, um, wh-where will I
see... Where will I see that?
- Yeah, on the TV screen, yep.
- Uh...
Oh, yeah, oh, there he is.
- Just, uh... maybe you try.
- Um...
- Just press "source"
then "OK" for "HDMI 1."
- Y-You're going very fast!
You're going too fast for me.
- Just there. Just press the button.
- Can you slow down a bit?
- Mrs. Banks? It's quite simple,
actually. If you just press there.
- I'm not following...
- Then you can go down...
"HDMI 1," you see that?
- Stop, just slow down.
- Press that button.
- "Source."
- Stop! You're going too fast!
Just... Get out!
Get out, Koala Man!
You're sick!
The power's gone to your head!
- Just try to collect
yourself, Mrs. Banks.
I'll go have a look at the switchboard.
Then we can try this again.
Who the bloody hell are you lot?
Tradies!
Sparky!
Brickie!
Chippy!
Lady Tradie!
Oi, fuckhead!
You got a permit to be
touching that switchboard?
This is Tradie territory.
You some kind of
Koala Tradie dickhead?
No permit. I'm just
helping Mrs. Banks.
And I'm not a Tradie, I'm a
superhero, thank you very much.
- Ha, you hear that, boys? This
unit reckons he's a superhero.
You got a license, bro? Because
you ain't shit without a license.
- Well, no, it's more of
a self-appointed position.
- I didn't do the hard yards as
an apprentice for all those years
so some fake hero shitcunt
could take my job.
- He, he, yeah, you
tell 'em, Brickie! Heh!
- We ever catch you
doing Tradie work again,
we'll burn you to a
fuckin' crisp, mate.
We run this town.
See that? That's how a licensed
professional flips a switch.
I could have done that.
Koala Kode 150.
Remember, kids, art is
a hobby, not a career...
No.
And that is why, as Dapto's
greatest and only superhero,
I should be officially licensed
like any Tradie would.
Call me a Supie.
I see.
Normally, I would have my assistant
Kevin throw you out on your arse
for barging in here, but he's been
in the bathroom for some time now.
Between you and me, I think he's having
a wank in there. He's quite repressed.
- Well, I think Kevin's actually
pretty cool if you ask me.
- As to your request, in order
to receive a license in Dapto,
you must show that you provide
a unique service to this town.
As far as I can tell, mate,
your only skill is having
a full-on mental breakdown.
If I'm hearing you correctly,
you're saying if I crack a
big case no one else can,
you'll have no choice but to declare me
Dapto's official superhero in residence?
- If that's what you want to take
away from this, sure, whatever.
Then the quest is given!
Ah, Kevin Williams!
There you are!
Back from the bathroom in a
perfectly reasonable amount of time!
That's our Kevin.
Hello, students, you're probably
wondering why I'm so excited.
Well, it's because today
is a very exciting day!
North Dapto High is starting
a new health food initiative
called "Lean Canteen!"
Thank you, Principal Bazwell.
Yes, as of today, sugary,
carbonated beverages
will no longer be allowed
on school premises.
- That'll do it. Locked up
tighter than a nun's clacker.
This is bullshit!
I need my fizzy!
- Look, I know you kids
all love sugary drinks,
but as your canteen lady, I've seen
firsthand what this stuff can do to you.
Rotten teeth, focus problems.
And of course,
type two diabetes.
That's the one you
have to work for.
- But don't worry, I've come up
with yummy beverage alternatives
I'm sure you're gonna love!
- Now since this was
Canteen Lady Vicky's idea,
it will be up to her to enforce this
rule and distribute all punishment.
Now,
pop off back to class!
- There's no way they're
taking away my fizzy...
They seem to be
taking it pretty hard.
- Poppycock, Vicky!
They'll come around.
At least I hope they do, because
doing all this was very expensive,
and your job depends on
it, Vicky, believe you me.
The fizzy pop must flow,
or the canteen lady's
head is sure to go!
- What do you think
about these cool shorts?
Pretty practical, right?
Just like Dad always says.
Look at how deep
these pockets are!
I could keep a sword in
here... no, a katana!
No, a Scottish claymore! Really
any kind of melee weapon.
- I don't care how deep
your pockets are, Liam.
I don't think you understand
what's about to happen.
Because Mum banned fizzy drink,
everyone in school is going to
hate us more than they already do!
- You're overreacting, sissy of
mine. Surely no one will blame us.
- Your bitch mum confiscated
my fizzy. Now you're gonna pay.
Wait! You want fizzy?
I can get you as much
fizzy as you want.
Hmmm, you better.
Or I'm gonna tell everyone that
you got fingered by Gemma's brother
and then you thought you got pregnant
so you did ten pregnancy tests
and it was embarrassing
for everyone.
M'kay, byeeeeee.
- Where are we going
to get that much soda?
- Do you remember when Dad
tried to throw that party
for the queen's birthday
and no one came?
He bought loads of soda, and it's
sitting in our house even as we speak.
If they catch us, we
could get expelled.
By our own mum!
Liam, if we pull this off,
we'll become two of the most
powerful and popular kids in Dapto.
- But how are we going to sneak
fizzy drink into the school?
We have deep pockets.
Come on, ring.
Ring! Bring me a
case, Koala Hotline!
The ever-vigilant eye of
Koala Man stands ready.
Ginger carrot juice
pouch, sweetheart?
Thank you, Miss Vicky.
Mmmmm! My tummy's full,
but my body's healthy!
Aww, aren't you a dear?
Ah! My healthy initiative!
Noooooo!
- Any minute now, the
big case will come in.
I hope.
Hm, perhaps I didn't
print enough flyers.
- You don't need a license to
compete with those nasty Tradies.
You're good, honorable, cuddly.
Truly the best of us.
- Right on all accounts, Louise. At
least someone around here gets it.
- This country's taking
an elevator to hell
and stopping at every shit
floor on the way down.
Someone needs to
set things right!
- Oh, I don't know, KM, how can
you compete with the Tradies?
They're like royalty!
They run Australia!
Some say the Tradies
aren't even human,
that they have
special abilitieeees.
Ooh, did that scare you?
- I read on Facebook
that, in other countries,
skilled laborers are at the
bottom of the social food chain.
And here they're living legends.
And so shall I be too.
As soon as the phone rings.
It's on!
What is the nature
of your emergency?
Kevin, someone's
smuggled soda into the school!
Two kids OD'd. They're
off their bloody chops.
Principal Bazwell's in a tizz.
I'm worried I could lose my job!
Are you saying you've got a
case for me? - What? No!
Kevin, I just wanted a little
emotional support from my husband.
- But I'm afraid you
didn't call your husband.
You called the only hero in this town
who can help you catch the smuggler.
I accidentally called
your Koala Man Hotline, didn't I?
Indeed, you did.
♪ Dirty Deeds ♪
♪ Done dirt cheap ♪
♪ Dirty Deeds ♪
♪ Done dirt cheap ♪
♪ Dirty Deeds ♪
♪ Done dirt cheap ♪
♪ Dirty Deeds and
they're done dirt cheap ♪
- Oh!
- ♪ Dirty Deeds ♪
♪ And they're done dirt cheap ♪
♪ Yeahhhh... ♪
Another ginger carrot
pouch, darling?
Shove that healthy shit!
Kevin?!
I don't know to whom
you're referring.
Is Kevin your husband?
Because he sounds really cool.
- Koala Man, what do
you think you're doing?
- I received your call on the Koala
Hotline, and I'm here to help.
- I specifically told you that calling
the hotline was a mistake I deeply regret
and your help was not needed.
- Which made me realize just
how serious the situation was.
You obviously needed someone uniquely
equipped to handle a smuggling ring.
And it's a good thing I'm here,
because I discovered a clue.
Jesus Christ, Kevin.
- Yep, that's LA Ice, same
kind of fizzy drink I bought
for my massively attended
queen's birthday party.
Whoever this crime lord
is has great taste.
- It's just a kid smuggling
soda into the school.
I can handle this myself just by talking
to the children on their own level.
I guess I can give that a shot.
Hey, who's bringin'
in the fizzy?!
Sorry, Vicky. Your
way does not work.
- We're running out of product.
Soda's sold out everywhere in Dapto.
I didn't anticipate
this much demand!
Maybe we should give it up?
You've had your fun, but
the heat's coming down!
Mum and Dad are
hot on our trail.
I need more fizzy!
- Uh, come back tomorrow.
- Don't blow this, Alison.
You were the least popular girl
in school, and you can be again.
What are we going to do, Liam?
- We have to run away from
Dapto. It's our only choice!
I hear you're in
the fizzy game...
What? Who told you that?
No, no, no, no. We love,
uh, ginger carrot pouches!
Don't bullshit me, young Sheila.
I used to be quite
a ripper in my time.
You ever service two bike gangs
in one day to stop a turf war?
Nah, you wouldn't
have the stamina.
But if you want the fizzy,
I can put you in touch
with some old friends...
for a cut, of course.
You're on.
Okay, time to do this your way.
Hey, kids.
I know it's hard to tell an adult
when your friends are misbehaving,
but it's important
you tell me the truth.
Who's bringing the
fizzy drink in?
- Good try, Vicky. But that's
no way to make a child break.
- Kevin, I'm not trying to break them!
I'm trying to be direct and forthright.
I know the criminal
heart, Vicky.
When I see the culprit,
I'll know it instantly.
Which is precisely why I installed
cameras in the boys' toilets.
That's where the deals
are probably taking place.
We have 360-degree
vision of every stall.
4K Ultra HD.
- You can't put up cameras in the
boys' toilets, you'll go to jail!
- Oh, it's fine! They're concealed under
the seats so no one will ever find them.
- We're not spying on the
children, Kevin! Just go home!
I allowed myself to think for one
second maybe we could do this together,
but clearly I was mistaken.
Please leave before I get fired!
You're not a
legitimate superhero.
- Well, that's not a very supportive
thing for a Koala Companion to say.
- I'm really scared, Alison.
Can we please just go home?
No! This is happening.
Janine's contacts
should be here already.
You the kids that want soda?
We can get you soda.
The Tradies run this town.
- Principal Bazwell, do
you think a good person
can do a bad thing
and still be good?
- Liam, I know it's an old cliché
about the principal being your pal,
but maybe this principal can help you
get back in touch with your principles.
Ohhhhh! Wordplay!
I thought you'd enjoy that.
I want to talk to
the authentic Liam.
Not the Liam you think you should be,
but the Liam who lives in your heart.
God's Liam.
Um... hi?
Oh. Hi, Authentic Liam.
What's going on, man?
- I'm worried about my sister.
She's fallen in with a rough crowd.
- Aw, man, that sucks, dude. Are
they engaging in risky behaviors?
You could say that.
I'm worried someone
will get hurt.
Ugh! Always bloody construction.
Huh?
What are you Tradies doing?
No!
- You know, Liam, my man, sometimes
the bravest thing you can do
is confront someone when
they're on the wrong path, yeah?
Stand up to Alison?
Of course! I know
just who to call.
Thank you, Princi... PAL!
I'm a punisher for puns.
- After this, you're
out of the fizzy game.
That's plenty of crime for
Liam, thank you very much.
Ahh! Liam?!
- I really thought I
could crack this case.
Mrs. Koala Man's cross with me, and
I'm no closer to finding the culprit.
I had one chance to prove to Big
Greg I deserve a hero license,
but I reckon I'll
never be a Supie now.
- I say we go down to that school and beat
the devil out of those little bastards.
No mercy!
- I wish it were that simple, Maxwell.
Maybe Dapto doesn't need Koala Man.
The only calls on the Koala
Hotline are quite abusive.
I've stopped checking
it, actually.
- Don't be silly! Nobody could
ever hate you, Koala Man.
- I'm sure it's not that bad. Go
on then, let us have a listen.
Hello-ah-ah-ah! You're a dickhead!
Yeah, you got a little
dick on your head! Ha, ha!
Hello, Koala Man?
The Blu-Ray's out again. I'll
call you again in ten minutes.
Ah,
yes, Koala Man,
this is an adult
calling, not your son,
to tell you that if you want to get
to the bottom of the fizzy ring,
there's a big meeting
happening tonight
at the abandoned
warehouse on Ashby Street.
Uh, who am I?
I'm just a concerned
citizen who's been stabbed.
Uh, yes, I'm dead.
But, but do please go to that
warehouse. Okay, goodbye.
- Jesus fackin' Christ! A murder!
Right on the Koala Hotline!
To the Koala Mobile!
Actually, can I
borrow some money?
The Koala Mobile's low on petrol
and I left my wallet at home.
Vicky?
Did you koala climb up here too?
I took the stairs.
Ah. Conventional.
What are you doing here?
- Thanks to my legitimate
superhero hotline,
I've cracked the case, actually.
What are you doing here?
Well, by actually
listening to the kids,
I figured out who's been
smuggling the fizzy drink.
Dear God.
Our beloved boy is clearly being
influenced by that hooded hoodlum.
Did you get the stuff?
Here's the money.
- This'll see you sitting
pretty for a year or more.
Regular, diet, even that
sugary shit from America.
Not that we'd ever drink it.
You don't get abs like this
from drinking soda, bro.
I don't understand.
You're some of the richest,
hottest people in town.
Why do you do this?
It's about power.
Most places in this world
look down on Tradies.
But here in Australia,
we're king of the castle.
We get a taste of every deal
that goes down in Dapto.
And I go home at night
to my beautiful, fit wife
and plow the shit out of her.
Yeah, he plows her rotten!
Really gives it to her!
Well put, Brickie.
- It's all here. You've actually
given us a little too much.
Here's your change. Thanks
for respecting the process.
This deal couldn't
have gone any better.
Liam Leslie Williams!
- Mum?!
- Mum? This is a classic stitch-up!
The kid stitched us up!
Your soda
operation is about to go flat!
I should have known you
Tradies were up to no good.
Turn yourselves in, and
I'll consider showing mercy.
- You should have never
come here, Koala Man.
I told you if I ever saw you
again, I'd burn you to a crisp.
And I meant it.
I'm gonna work my wood! Hahaha!
Bro, you need a
better catchphrase.
- Help!
- Vicky!
Why are you in such
a hurry, Koala Man?
You need to slow down!
Nooooooooooooo!
This is what
happens to traitors.
I'm gonna blow a circuit...
in your brain!
Liam! No!
You've lost, Koala Man!
Tradies! Flex off, boys!
I'm gonna blow a
circuit... in your brain!
You'll never get away with this!
- We already have, baby.
It's time to cook the bear.
Ohh!
- How did you...
- I may not have superpowers,
but I always carry
a delicious ginger
carrot pouch for energy.
Aww.
- This is for the boy you
fried, who I've only just met,
but nonetheless
care deeply about!
I might just get out of your hair,
actually, I'll just get out of here.
That's it, Tradies. You had a fair
go, and you lost. Get outta here!
It is time.
We must summon Jack.
Who's this Jack you speak of?
Jack of all Tradies!
Boss Level!
Oh, this is definitely not on.
Uggh!
You got a permit?
No mates rates, you're
paying full price.
To get bashed!
Oi, dickhead, how
about a soft drink?
My perfectly healthy
and hot body!
Empty calories!
Uggh!
Aah... You avenged
our son, Vicky.
I should have listened to you.
Oh, Kevin!
I want you to know that you are
a first-rate Koala Companion.
Alison... use
the deep pockets...
Deep pockets?
I don't under...
Of course!
What happened?
Oh, Liam! You're alive! Mwah!
Kevin? What happened in
there? How did we...?
- I must have had a feat
of superhuman strength
and carried us all to
safety in some kind of daze.
I actually can't think of anything
else that it could've been.
- Mum! Dad! I've been
looking everywhere for you!
I tried to stop Liam,
but he wouldn't listen!
- Alison, Liam doesn't have it in him to
pull off this whole scheme by himself.
I want you to tell me: who's
been running the soda ring?
Mum, I'm not going
to lie to you...
- The last dance is always
the saddest, isn't it...
McKayla Taylor Mercedes?
- Janine, remove this person,
please. Take her to jail.
I'm innocent! I've been framed!
- It was Ali...
- Hush now, no one likes a squealer.
Thank you, Koala Man, I suppose.
Uh, we never could have
solved this without you.
Is that what you wanted to hear?
- And I never would have cracked
it without Canteen Lady Vicky.
She's a good'un.
Treat her right.
Are you here to give me my superhero
license and make it official, Big Greg?
- Yeah, piss off, Koala Man.
I was never gonna do that.
I just said that because I had to
take a shit and wanted you to leave.
Also, you drove all the
Tradies out of town, idiot!
Sure, they were corrupt, but who's
going to finish my fuckin' veranda?
So why are you here?
- I've come to announce that the Council
has declared this whole soda ban illegal.
What? Why? It's
helping the children!
- Dapto's greatest export is
unhealthy, unskilled laborers.
If these students
get too healthy,
how are we ever going to stock
Australia's factories and slaughterhouses?
You're hurting Dapto's bottom
line. So it's off. Hyah!
Soda's back on!
Fizzies!
Uh, Alison, can I talk to you?
- I thought you were grounded.
Father "confined you to quarters."
- He did. But I want
to tell you something,
and I didn't give away
your secret, so you owe me.
Uggh, fine.
- I came to tell you that
your pursuit of popularity
will only end in heartbreak.
It is foretold.
Back at the Tradie base,
I thought I heard
your voice in my head.
- I have no idea what
you're talking about.
Pfft, what does he know?
Sure, I'm out of the fizzy game,
but at least it wasn't a total loss.
I will become the Most
Powerful Girl at School.
- Uh-huh? Garden shears
missing for three days?
Yes, Mr. Russo, I think Koala
Man can look into this for you.
I'll pop around soon.
The Koala Hotline has
been ringing off the hook!
That's two calls today.
Real ones, not
just hateful slurs!
I think I might be
winning this town over.
I'm proud of you, Kevin.
And I'm sorry I said you
weren't a legitimate superhero.
I know Big Greg
disappointed you,
but for cracking the fizzy mystery,
I'd like to present you with this...
Vicky.
I don't know what to say.
I love it.
Oh, but did you have this done
on the UV acid-free paper?
Because otherwise it
will fade in the sun.
Oh, and is that a typo?
Oh, Vicky, Vicky, Vicky...
"Source."
"OK."
"HDMI 1."
I did it! All by myself.
Now I can finally
watch my snuff films.
Oh,
no! Mrs. Banks, no, no!
Squeal
for me, you yucky little pig.
Ah, that was a good one.