Koala Man (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Bin Day - full transcript
Kevin forgets to take the garbage bins down.
[wind whistling]
Heave!
Heave!
Heave, goddamn you!
The horror.
The world must never learn
of this! Do you understand?!
Yes! But what should
we do with it?
We shall hide it away forever.
Somewhere no respectable
person would be caught dead.
The most boring, backwards, piece
of shit place in the entire world.
- [sighs] Another successful
day as the town shopkeeper.
- [chatting]
- Oi! You two!
You're not allowed
to loiter here!
- Aw, fuck off! It's a
free country, isn't it?
- Yeah, fr-free... what he said.
And what are yooouuu
gonna do about it?!
Ugh! Damn it! [groaning]
I'm okay, I'm okay. Just
turned my ankle, I think...
Should be all right... Ugh.
Anyway, Darren and Damo, I've
told you two a million times,
your days of
suspicious loitering
and menacing stores of
convenience are over.
- Oh, you think you're so
high and mighty, Koala Man?
You're not even
a real superhero.
Everyone hates ya!
Yeah, go away! Fuckin' hate ya!
It's time for you two
to be on your way.
What you're doing
here is not on.
Ohhh, we'll leave...
as soon as you read
the morning headlines!
Ow! It's in my eyes!
- What have you done to my friend?
- Jesus! Fuck!
- Hey, hey, hey, don't rub
it in. You'll make it worse.
You could scratch your retina.
- He was planning something
sinister. I was just trying to help!
You went way too far, Koala Man.
I actually think you seriously
injured him. What was in that?
- Just eucalyptus oil,
because of the koala thing.
- Mate, that's poison. I
think you should just leave.
- Okay, sorry. Understood, citizen.
[Darren moaning]
Stay safe. DARREN: Ow! I
think I'm fackin' blind!
KOALA MAN: Some
call me a superhero.
I just see myself as a citizen who
cares passionately about justice.
Here in the once
pristine suburb of Dapto,
I've made it my life's mission
to clean up our streets...
help the innocent...
[cat yowls]
and snuff out evil.
Yeah, local code says this grass is
half a centimeter too long, mate.
That was a close one.
Sometimes it feels like I'm the only thing
standing in between this town and anarchy.
But this is my burden.
I have taken up the
mantle, for I am...
Koala Man!
Today on The Daily Scoff,
has local vigilante, nuisance, and
probable violent maniac Koala Man
finally gone too far?
Yes, yes, he has.
- After all I do for
Dapto, this is what I get?
Dad, don't take
this the wrong way,
but if people from school ever
find out you're Koala Man,
I think I'll
genuinely kill myself.
- I don't want anyone to find
out your identity either, Dad.
Because I like having a secret.
- Kevin, you know I support your hobby,
but maybe it's time to take a break.
You missed date night again!
I was looking forward
to a movie and a cuddle.
- Taking a break is just what the
forces of evil want me to do, Vicky.
- well, can you at least fix
this bloody table, Kevin?
Why would the media
treat me this way?
[gasps] You know what this is?
Classic case of Tall Poppy Syndrome!
What's Tall Poppy Syndrome?
Well, Liam, for reasons unknown,
if anyone becomes too
successful in Australia,
our fellow citizens feel
the need to "cut them down,"
like a flower in a field, so everyone
can be at the same level of mediocrity.
- That's why those delicious
Hemsworths ran off to Hollywood.
- Oh, Chris, Liam, and Luke think they're
too good for where they came from?
See what I just did there?
That's Tall Poppy Syndrome.
But whatever. I don't care. I just
care about cleaning up this town.
- Great! You can start
by taking the bins out.
Tomorrow's Bin Day.
Vicky, I know
tomorrow's Bin Day.
It's the most important
day of the week.
♪ Dramatic music playing ♪
And so it begins.
- Honey, Kevin put his bin
out! I guess it's Bin Day!
♪ Epic music playing ♪
- Without me, no one in Dapto would
even know when to put their bins out.
It's an incredible
responsibility,
and one I shall discharge
faithfully as soon as I get home.
♪ La-di-di-da-da-da... ♪
Dad's gone crazy, hasn't he?
Oh, Alison, no.
No, noooo.
♪ Fishing Big with Big Greg! ♪
♪ Master angler ♪
♪ Crocodile mangler ♪
♪ Lady entangler, yeah... ♪
[video stops]
Oh, for the love of God. Kevin!
Yes, Big Greg?
- Kevin, you've got to fix
the bloody internet, mate.
I have a Council
meeting in five minutes,
and I need to finish this old
episode of my show for inspiration.
This is the one where I pulled a Peruvian
dickfish out of my cameraman's urethra.
[chuckles] Still got
the little bugger.
- All right, I'll power cycle the
modem. Kind of all I do around here.
That's why we love you, Kevin.
You fix the modem so I
can watch me viddies.
And you take the bins out so
we all know when to do it.
I'd call that a
pretty good life.
- Uh, Big Greg, did the media ever go
after you for, like, fighting sharks
and doing what you're certain
you were put on this earth to do?
- Oh, yeah. All the time.
Classic Tall Poppy Syndrome.
Bastards.
But that's when I came up
with my iconic theme song,
and I realized I could do anything I
wanted as long as I had a catchy tune.
A theme song. Interesting.
Very interesting.
- [theme song resumes]
- Ah, here we go!
If you look carefully,
you can see the moment
the cock-guppy enters
his penis canal.
- ♪ Big Greg! ♪
[cow bell jangles]
- Liam, what do you think it
feels like to be Rosie Yodels,
the most powerful
girl in school,
surrounded by suck-ups like
McKayla Taylor Mercedes,
snapping perfectly aloof
pictures all the time?
I bet it feels... intoxicating.
- I'm not obsessed with
popularity like you, Alison.
Besides, we have one
thing that makes us cool:
our mum's the canteen lady!
- Kevin's just been so
preoccupied with being Koala Man
that he's missed
every date night.
I've asked him to fix the wobbly table
for months, and he won't even do that.
Well, if you need
to motivate Kevin,
whenever my Gerry needed
some pep in his step,
I told him to finish
between me tits.
God rest his soul.
We haven't been
intimate in ages.
- [gags] When Gerry couldn't
get things done at home,
I always had a power tool on hand
to take care of the problem myself.
Do it myself?
That's it, Janine!
I can get a power tool and
fix that wobbly table myself!
Aw, yeah... that too, I guess.
What are you looking
at, you little shit?
Piss off!
[guitar strumming]
- Ah, Liam! What did I say about
leaving your army men on the ground?
It's actually a
SwordStorm figurine.
A Praetorian Elder Flame
Warrior, to be precise.
- I don't care what it is, Liam.
I'm always bloody stepping on them.
Do you know how many fathers are
paralyzed by sharp toys each year?
I dunno, like... five?
- It was a rhetorical
question! Now listen to this.
♪ Koala Man ♪
♪ Hero for all the Daptonians ♪
You reckon that's
theme-song worthy?
Um, it's okay.
Okay?! What? No!
This is a "banger,"
as the kids say.
I just have to lay down all
the instrumental tracks.
I'll stay up all
night if I have to...
[yawns] And I'll still have
time to put the bins out.
- [door opens]
- Kevin, I need the drill I got you.
- Agh, if this is about the wobbly
table, Vicky, I'll fix it later.
Liam and I are jamming.
Arrr! Rock on!
- No, Kevin. I don't want
you to fix the table.
Even though some things in this
household seem broken beyond repair,
I'm going to at least
try to fix them myself.
[drill whirs]
- And what a nice project
that will be for you.
Make sure to sign it out.
[moans erotically]
Wow! I did it.
Oh! You're incredible.
I'm incredible.
Are you ready to go again?
[drill whirring]
Ah, the life of a
rock music writer.
Classic.
Looks like Mrs. Dockery
forgot to take her bins out.
Wait. Where are
everybody's bins?
Where are my bins?!
No, I swore I took them out!
You have no idea
what you've done.
- This isn't enough! What
happened to all the rubbish?!
They didn't put their bins out!
- But if we don't
get more, we'll...
[screaming]
HARSH VOICE:
Where's my rubbish?!
[neighbors murmuring]
Fuck me dead, Kev,
what happened?
I was down at the
bowlo last night
telling everyone how good you
are at putting the bins out.
We only know when to put
'em out when we see yours!
You've caused a chain reaction!
Spider, I swear,
after I finished my...
Koala Man theme song...
I put them out, I know I did.
Didn't I?
Fellow Daptonians!
It seems the entire
town has missed Bin Day.
Kevin really cooked
the chook on this one.
Everyone say, "Fuck you, Kevin!"
DAPTONIANS: Fuck you,
Kevin! Fuck you, Kevin!
Fuck you, Kevin!
- Alison! That's your dad!
- Oh, yeah.
Fuck you, Dad!
- Don't worry, I've got a plan. Just
dump your rubbish at Kevin's house!
He'll sort it out, and
we'll all go back to bed!
[cheering]
- You should be bloody
prime minister, Big Greg!
- Excuse me, everyone, this
is extremely unsanitary.
And I do not approve!
♪ Contemplative music playing ♪
So many broken things!
Alison, Liam!
Start gathering up all the hard rubbish
you can find and take it into our yard!
What? Ew, no.
- Alison, there comes a
time when the normal life
you've come to terms with
blows up in your face.
Your husband goes through
a midlife koala phase,
and the only thing that makes it better
is the power of a drill in your hand.
[drill whirs]
Liam, come on!
We've got to get our
menopausal mummy some rubbish.
Yay! Mumopause!
- How could this have happened? I
could've sworn I took the bins out!
Curse you and your
sexy, musical allure!
MASK: [evilly] I'm not surprised
the town turned against you.
I reckon someone brought
the bins back on purpose!
We have a secret enemy.
- No, you're paranoid, even for a
manifestation of my shattered psyche.
MASK: I'm just trying
to keep you safe.
- But you always see
the worst in everyone.
Maybe I really didn't
take the bins out.
I was exhausted from
rocking out too hard.
MASK: This is our
chance, Kevin,
to show the town we're
the hero they need.
[pleasantly] By the way, I actually
liked the Koala Man theme song.
Really, really strong
melody. Good job.
- Thanks, mate. At
least someone gets it.
MASK: [evilly] Now what
are you waiting for?!
You're the only one who
can clean up this rubbish!
♪ Dramatic music rising ♪
You're right, Koala Mask!
I'll save Dapto by venturing forth
to where the streets have no shame!
Like the U2 song.
Ah, never mind, let's go.
- And that's why I always bring
a knife and fork to the bathroom.
- We really are the most
unpopular kids in school.
- Okay, now do one where you're picking
up rubbish but like a total slut.
- But maybe it's time we
did something about it.
- [bowl shatters]
- [chuckles] This is so random.
Um, what do you want?
I wanna be a trash
slut like Rosie.
- Let me set you straight on something.
Nobody gets to Rosie Yodels. No one.
Especially not an unpopular
biiiiitch like you.
But isn't there
anything I can do?
- Hmmm, I suppose if you took
a photo that got enough likes,
maybe we'd think about it.
But I doubt that's gonna happen.
Sorryyyyyyyy...
- Why would you want to
be friends with them?
- I don't want to be friends
with them, I want to be them.
I want a bunch of beta orbiters
and simps fawning over me.
I just need a photographer.
I'd be happy to take your photo,
if you'd be willing to paint my
SwordStorm miniatures with me.
No one else will.
Hmmm, big ask.
[scoffs] Okay. I'll paint
exactly one figurine with you.
Come on, there's a pile of rotting
meat over there. Perfect spot.
- Thanks for helping me
clean up the rubbish, Spider.
I owe you one.
No worries, mate.
We'll take the ol' ute out as many times
as we have to until we get the job done.
Speaking of getting the job
done, I've been thinkin'.
You need something to take
your heroing to the next level.
A gun.
- Uh, no thanks, Spider.
That's all right.
- Could be like a new
koala gadget, though.
The safety's jammed so
she's always ready to go.
- Yeah, that actually makes
me want it less, mate.
Ah, suit yourself.
I do really need to
get rid of it, though.
- Typical. The garbage men
decided to knock off early.
What happened to
municipal spirit?
What happened to the proud
Australian civil servant?
- SPIDER: Uh... Koala Man?
- What happened to...
What happened to
all the rubbish?
My god.
Bloody hell!
I didn't know you could
dump dead bodies here.
These poor, innocent garbos.
Ugh...
Evil has been set loose.
- Who did this to you,
Wizened Garbage Man?
The Tall Poppy.
- Ah, yeah? Some cunt
thinking he's better than us?
I knew it! Probably
from Adelaide.
No, you dickheads!
The real Tall Poppy!
A creature of flowers and thorns
pulled from under the
ice of Antarctica...
and hidden here where it
could eat rubbish in peace.
- All right, grab those copper pipes,
we'll take 'em down to Cashie's.
[creature snarling]
Oi... who's there?!
Reveal ya self... fuckwit!
[snarling]
Give me rubbish!
Why should we, you flower fuck?
Aw, come on, man.
Someone took all the top-notch
rubbish, and I've gotta get my garb on.
You've got a problem, mate.
- Yeah, my problem is you
won't give me my fuckin' shit!
[snarling]
Mmm! The people here
are rubbish too!
Aw, yeah.
That's the good
shit right there.
- We made the phrase "Tall
Poppy" synonymous with evil,
something to destroy, so...
[groans] ...that if the
real creature ever escaped,
we Australians would
know what to do.
And now it has been unleashed
because the bins didn't go out.
Okay, yeah, pretty
straightforward.
Stop the Tall Poppy
or we're all doomed!
Ughhhh...
Spider, we have
to get back quick!
The old man said that
thing loves to eat rubbish,
and my house is covered in it!
[gunshot]
Spider? What did
you do that for?
- In case he turned. I didn't
know if this was zombie rules.
Can't be too careful.
- Jesus Christ, Spi...
That was a human being.
Just get in the
car, mate, let's go.
[sighs]
I've done it. I've
fixed everything.
Lawnmowers, a Sega
Saturn, a Barcelona chair.
They're all perfect again.
Oh, but there must be
something else to fix!
Perhaps... my life?
Uh-oh. Oh, no.
No, I'm starting to have
thoughts I don't want.
Oh, here they come.
Why did I settle down?
Is this it? Aaah!
Let me see...
No, no, no! It looks way too
planned. It has to look candid, Liam.
McKayla and Rosie will see
through this in a second!
Or we could, I don't know...
paint a Mechanized Duelist who specializes
in fighting oversized creatures!
All he needs is a good dry
brush and he can go into battle.
- [scoffs] Forget it! I'm
gonna take the picture myself.
- All right. But this could've been the
soldier that ended the Kthtquian war.
- ♪ ominous music playing ♪
[feet pounding]
[roaring]
- What the hell are you?
Get out of our yard!
- [snarls] I'm gonna eat your rubbish,
and then I'm gonna eat you too.
'Cause you're rubbish as well.
And then I'm...
gonna get help. I swear to
god, this is the last time.
I know I'm addicted.
I know, I'm aware.
Please don't judge me. [roars]
[screaming] Uch, gross!
- Alison!
- Hey! Tall Poppy!
Who the fuck are you?
- They call me Koala Man,
and Dapto is my town.
Release the girl, Tall Poppy.
This is not on!
Oh, but it is on, Koala Man!
By that I mean the battle
we are about to have!
♪ Epic music playing ♪
- Ah, this town is so
full of walking trash!
Why would I ever
go back to my hole?
This is my town now!
- Never!
- [snarling] Yaaa!
[screams]
[electric guitar scratching]
♪ Koala Man, hero for all ♪
♪ Daptonians ♪
- Oi, Koala Man!
Sick theme song!
♪ Koala Man, fighter of crime ♪
♪ Defender of the way ♪
- If only there were
something we could do!
Wait! The Mechanized Duelist!
They specialize in fighting
oversized creatures.
Mum, do you think you could
fix up some of this stuff
if I told you what
it should look like?
I can fix anything.
[roaring]
[Koala Man groaning]
- Stop moving! You're
messing up my perfect selfie!
[Tall Poppy chuckles]
[roars]
Hey, you! Mr. Scary Monster!
Looks like my miniature skills
are about to pay off, Alison.
Uh, Mum. Something's
wrong with the engine.
- Engine? Liam, I'm not a
mechanic. This thing can't move.
Ah. Then this was a bad plan.
Liam, you're a fucking idiot!
That's okay, son!
Trying is the first
step toward succeeding!
Look, you seem
like a good bloke,
but I just really need to
eat all this yummy trash.
It's just... it's
just too delicious.
You forgot one
thing, Tall Poppy.
One man's trash is
another man's treasure.
- Uh, yeah, that's why
I'm eating it, cunt.
Eat this!
[roaring]
Oww! Who bloody put that there?!
[thuds] [Tall Poppy groans]
[liquid burbling]
Oh, we're alive, dickhead!
Yeah, and we smell so good!
[sniffs] Oh!
- Liam, thank Christ for
your dumb, stupid toys!
That's all I ever
wanted to hear, Dad.
[Tall Poppy snarling]
- Guess I just saw a flower
monster die in front of me... vibe.
[neighbors shouting, jeering]
It's time, fellow Daptonians!
Kill the beast!
- I'm sorry. I only wanted
to clean up the town.
[crowd jeering]
[Tall Poppy weeping]
Wait!
Look, I know you all
want to kill this flower,
but don't you see that by
chopping down the Tall Poppy,
we're really chopping
down ourselves?
He just wanted to clean
up Dapto. Just like me.
And, yes, maybe he went
on a murderous rampage,
but sometimes you can't
help but be what you are.
He's a Tall Poppy.
I'm a superhero.
And we're all in this together.
[sniffles] Fuck...
That was fuckin' awesome.
That was like a scene
from a movie or some shit.
What, you think
you're better than us
just 'cause you're trying
to teach us a lesson?
- Oh, la-di-dah!
Fuck off, Koala Man!
You're not better than me!
- You know what?
I've got an idea!
Let's spare the Tall Poppy!
I mean, he's just a bloke trying to get
on in this world, for heaven's sake!
- [cheering]
- Are you serious?
I just said exactly
what he just said.
CROWD: Big Greg is
nice! Big Greg is nice!
- Send him to the shithole where we send
all our cleaned-up junkies: Hollywood!
[cheering] TALL
POPPY: Yay! Thank you.
- So? Did you see the picture
I posted? Pretty aloof, right?
- Um, sweetie, I hate to say it, but it
looked like you were trying too hard.
- What?!
- Yeah.
And I guess someone
posted it on a cringe page
and now you're kind of
famous for being cringe?
But I'll tell Rosie
you said hiiii.
- Well played, McKayla
Taylor Mercedes, well played.
But I will become the most
powerful girl in school.
And you're going to find out
exactly how far I'll go to do it.
You saved Dapto, Kevin.
Even if I find this
Koala Man stuff odd...
Infuriating, really...
Maybe the lesson is you shouldn't
try to fix broken things.
Just, you know, bury them till they
surface as a problem too big to ignore.
What I'm trying to say
is... I'm proud of you.
- Yes, well, I wish I could
compliment you back, Vicky.
But you did illegally tamper
with our neighbors' rubbish,
and I really should report it.
[sighs] Let's go home, Kevin.
- Yeah, I'm catching a
flight tonight to Portland.
I just need to get
away. [doorbell rings]
Hold on, there's
someone at the door.
- I couldn't let you leave...
without saying goodbye.
Because I'm dying.
He's a pretty good
actor, actually.
I'm happy for him. I heard he
kicked the rubbish addiction too.
- I can't believe he was only
in Hollywood for a few days
and he's already starring
with Alexandra Daddario
in a $1.5 million A24 movie.
Ah... the dream.
MASK: Kevin, what
are you doing?
Whoever compromised the
bins is still out there!
Hush, koala thoughts.
I'm having date night
with my best gal.
Though I still swear I
took those bins out...
- What's that, Kevin?
- Nothing, darling!
Shall we cuddle... in bed?
Oh, Kevin!
Mwah!
Everything is going
according to plan.
Of course you took
the bins out, Kevin.
But I brought them back up so
it looked like you never did.
First, I'll take your sanity.
Then I'll take everything
from you, Koala Man!
The Kookaburra will
have the last laugh!
[hysterical laughter]
I'm the Kookaburra!
♪ Koala Man ♪
♪ Hero for all ♪
♪ The Daptonians ♪
♪ Koala Man ♪
♪ Fighter of crime ♪
♪ And defender of the way ♪
♪ Koala Man ♪
♪ He'll take a stand ♪
♪ He'll rid the lands ♪
♪ Of evil plans ♪
♪ Yeah-eah-eah! ♪
♪ Fanfare playing ♪
Heave!
Heave!
Heave, goddamn you!
The horror.
The world must never learn
of this! Do you understand?!
Yes! But what should
we do with it?
We shall hide it away forever.
Somewhere no respectable
person would be caught dead.
The most boring, backwards, piece
of shit place in the entire world.
- [sighs] Another successful
day as the town shopkeeper.
- [chatting]
- Oi! You two!
You're not allowed
to loiter here!
- Aw, fuck off! It's a
free country, isn't it?
- Yeah, fr-free... what he said.
And what are yooouuu
gonna do about it?!
Ugh! Damn it! [groaning]
I'm okay, I'm okay. Just
turned my ankle, I think...
Should be all right... Ugh.
Anyway, Darren and Damo, I've
told you two a million times,
your days of
suspicious loitering
and menacing stores of
convenience are over.
- Oh, you think you're so
high and mighty, Koala Man?
You're not even
a real superhero.
Everyone hates ya!
Yeah, go away! Fuckin' hate ya!
It's time for you two
to be on your way.
What you're doing
here is not on.
Ohhh, we'll leave...
as soon as you read
the morning headlines!
Ow! It's in my eyes!
- What have you done to my friend?
- Jesus! Fuck!
- Hey, hey, hey, don't rub
it in. You'll make it worse.
You could scratch your retina.
- He was planning something
sinister. I was just trying to help!
You went way too far, Koala Man.
I actually think you seriously
injured him. What was in that?
- Just eucalyptus oil,
because of the koala thing.
- Mate, that's poison. I
think you should just leave.
- Okay, sorry. Understood, citizen.
[Darren moaning]
Stay safe. DARREN: Ow! I
think I'm fackin' blind!
KOALA MAN: Some
call me a superhero.
I just see myself as a citizen who
cares passionately about justice.
Here in the once
pristine suburb of Dapto,
I've made it my life's mission
to clean up our streets...
help the innocent...
[cat yowls]
and snuff out evil.
Yeah, local code says this grass is
half a centimeter too long, mate.
That was a close one.
Sometimes it feels like I'm the only thing
standing in between this town and anarchy.
But this is my burden.
I have taken up the
mantle, for I am...
Koala Man!
Today on The Daily Scoff,
has local vigilante, nuisance, and
probable violent maniac Koala Man
finally gone too far?
Yes, yes, he has.
- After all I do for
Dapto, this is what I get?
Dad, don't take
this the wrong way,
but if people from school ever
find out you're Koala Man,
I think I'll
genuinely kill myself.
- I don't want anyone to find
out your identity either, Dad.
Because I like having a secret.
- Kevin, you know I support your hobby,
but maybe it's time to take a break.
You missed date night again!
I was looking forward
to a movie and a cuddle.
- Taking a break is just what the
forces of evil want me to do, Vicky.
- well, can you at least fix
this bloody table, Kevin?
Why would the media
treat me this way?
[gasps] You know what this is?
Classic case of Tall Poppy Syndrome!
What's Tall Poppy Syndrome?
Well, Liam, for reasons unknown,
if anyone becomes too
successful in Australia,
our fellow citizens feel
the need to "cut them down,"
like a flower in a field, so everyone
can be at the same level of mediocrity.
- That's why those delicious
Hemsworths ran off to Hollywood.
- Oh, Chris, Liam, and Luke think they're
too good for where they came from?
See what I just did there?
That's Tall Poppy Syndrome.
But whatever. I don't care. I just
care about cleaning up this town.
- Great! You can start
by taking the bins out.
Tomorrow's Bin Day.
Vicky, I know
tomorrow's Bin Day.
It's the most important
day of the week.
♪ Dramatic music playing ♪
And so it begins.
- Honey, Kevin put his bin
out! I guess it's Bin Day!
♪ Epic music playing ♪
- Without me, no one in Dapto would
even know when to put their bins out.
It's an incredible
responsibility,
and one I shall discharge
faithfully as soon as I get home.
♪ La-di-di-da-da-da... ♪
Dad's gone crazy, hasn't he?
Oh, Alison, no.
No, noooo.
♪ Fishing Big with Big Greg! ♪
♪ Master angler ♪
♪ Crocodile mangler ♪
♪ Lady entangler, yeah... ♪
[video stops]
Oh, for the love of God. Kevin!
Yes, Big Greg?
- Kevin, you've got to fix
the bloody internet, mate.
I have a Council
meeting in five minutes,
and I need to finish this old
episode of my show for inspiration.
This is the one where I pulled a Peruvian
dickfish out of my cameraman's urethra.
[chuckles] Still got
the little bugger.
- All right, I'll power cycle the
modem. Kind of all I do around here.
That's why we love you, Kevin.
You fix the modem so I
can watch me viddies.
And you take the bins out so
we all know when to do it.
I'd call that a
pretty good life.
- Uh, Big Greg, did the media ever go
after you for, like, fighting sharks
and doing what you're certain
you were put on this earth to do?
- Oh, yeah. All the time.
Classic Tall Poppy Syndrome.
Bastards.
But that's when I came up
with my iconic theme song,
and I realized I could do anything I
wanted as long as I had a catchy tune.
A theme song. Interesting.
Very interesting.
- [theme song resumes]
- Ah, here we go!
If you look carefully,
you can see the moment
the cock-guppy enters
his penis canal.
- ♪ Big Greg! ♪
[cow bell jangles]
- Liam, what do you think it
feels like to be Rosie Yodels,
the most powerful
girl in school,
surrounded by suck-ups like
McKayla Taylor Mercedes,
snapping perfectly aloof
pictures all the time?
I bet it feels... intoxicating.
- I'm not obsessed with
popularity like you, Alison.
Besides, we have one
thing that makes us cool:
our mum's the canteen lady!
- Kevin's just been so
preoccupied with being Koala Man
that he's missed
every date night.
I've asked him to fix the wobbly table
for months, and he won't even do that.
Well, if you need
to motivate Kevin,
whenever my Gerry needed
some pep in his step,
I told him to finish
between me tits.
God rest his soul.
We haven't been
intimate in ages.
- [gags] When Gerry couldn't
get things done at home,
I always had a power tool on hand
to take care of the problem myself.
Do it myself?
That's it, Janine!
I can get a power tool and
fix that wobbly table myself!
Aw, yeah... that too, I guess.
What are you looking
at, you little shit?
Piss off!
[guitar strumming]
- Ah, Liam! What did I say about
leaving your army men on the ground?
It's actually a
SwordStorm figurine.
A Praetorian Elder Flame
Warrior, to be precise.
- I don't care what it is, Liam.
I'm always bloody stepping on them.
Do you know how many fathers are
paralyzed by sharp toys each year?
I dunno, like... five?
- It was a rhetorical
question! Now listen to this.
♪ Koala Man ♪
♪ Hero for all the Daptonians ♪
You reckon that's
theme-song worthy?
Um, it's okay.
Okay?! What? No!
This is a "banger,"
as the kids say.
I just have to lay down all
the instrumental tracks.
I'll stay up all
night if I have to...
[yawns] And I'll still have
time to put the bins out.
- [door opens]
- Kevin, I need the drill I got you.
- Agh, if this is about the wobbly
table, Vicky, I'll fix it later.
Liam and I are jamming.
Arrr! Rock on!
- No, Kevin. I don't want
you to fix the table.
Even though some things in this
household seem broken beyond repair,
I'm going to at least
try to fix them myself.
[drill whirs]
- And what a nice project
that will be for you.
Make sure to sign it out.
[moans erotically]
Wow! I did it.
Oh! You're incredible.
I'm incredible.
Are you ready to go again?
[drill whirring]
Ah, the life of a
rock music writer.
Classic.
Looks like Mrs. Dockery
forgot to take her bins out.
Wait. Where are
everybody's bins?
Where are my bins?!
No, I swore I took them out!
You have no idea
what you've done.
- This isn't enough! What
happened to all the rubbish?!
They didn't put their bins out!
- But if we don't
get more, we'll...
[screaming]
HARSH VOICE:
Where's my rubbish?!
[neighbors murmuring]
Fuck me dead, Kev,
what happened?
I was down at the
bowlo last night
telling everyone how good you
are at putting the bins out.
We only know when to put
'em out when we see yours!
You've caused a chain reaction!
Spider, I swear,
after I finished my...
Koala Man theme song...
I put them out, I know I did.
Didn't I?
Fellow Daptonians!
It seems the entire
town has missed Bin Day.
Kevin really cooked
the chook on this one.
Everyone say, "Fuck you, Kevin!"
DAPTONIANS: Fuck you,
Kevin! Fuck you, Kevin!
Fuck you, Kevin!
- Alison! That's your dad!
- Oh, yeah.
Fuck you, Dad!
- Don't worry, I've got a plan. Just
dump your rubbish at Kevin's house!
He'll sort it out, and
we'll all go back to bed!
[cheering]
- You should be bloody
prime minister, Big Greg!
- Excuse me, everyone, this
is extremely unsanitary.
And I do not approve!
♪ Contemplative music playing ♪
So many broken things!
Alison, Liam!
Start gathering up all the hard rubbish
you can find and take it into our yard!
What? Ew, no.
- Alison, there comes a
time when the normal life
you've come to terms with
blows up in your face.
Your husband goes through
a midlife koala phase,
and the only thing that makes it better
is the power of a drill in your hand.
[drill whirs]
Liam, come on!
We've got to get our
menopausal mummy some rubbish.
Yay! Mumopause!
- How could this have happened? I
could've sworn I took the bins out!
Curse you and your
sexy, musical allure!
MASK: [evilly] I'm not surprised
the town turned against you.
I reckon someone brought
the bins back on purpose!
We have a secret enemy.
- No, you're paranoid, even for a
manifestation of my shattered psyche.
MASK: I'm just trying
to keep you safe.
- But you always see
the worst in everyone.
Maybe I really didn't
take the bins out.
I was exhausted from
rocking out too hard.
MASK: This is our
chance, Kevin,
to show the town we're
the hero they need.
[pleasantly] By the way, I actually
liked the Koala Man theme song.
Really, really strong
melody. Good job.
- Thanks, mate. At
least someone gets it.
MASK: [evilly] Now what
are you waiting for?!
You're the only one who
can clean up this rubbish!
♪ Dramatic music rising ♪
You're right, Koala Mask!
I'll save Dapto by venturing forth
to where the streets have no shame!
Like the U2 song.
Ah, never mind, let's go.
- And that's why I always bring
a knife and fork to the bathroom.
- We really are the most
unpopular kids in school.
- Okay, now do one where you're picking
up rubbish but like a total slut.
- But maybe it's time we
did something about it.
- [bowl shatters]
- [chuckles] This is so random.
Um, what do you want?
I wanna be a trash
slut like Rosie.
- Let me set you straight on something.
Nobody gets to Rosie Yodels. No one.
Especially not an unpopular
biiiiitch like you.
But isn't there
anything I can do?
- Hmmm, I suppose if you took
a photo that got enough likes,
maybe we'd think about it.
But I doubt that's gonna happen.
Sorryyyyyyyy...
- Why would you want to
be friends with them?
- I don't want to be friends
with them, I want to be them.
I want a bunch of beta orbiters
and simps fawning over me.
I just need a photographer.
I'd be happy to take your photo,
if you'd be willing to paint my
SwordStorm miniatures with me.
No one else will.
Hmmm, big ask.
[scoffs] Okay. I'll paint
exactly one figurine with you.
Come on, there's a pile of rotting
meat over there. Perfect spot.
- Thanks for helping me
clean up the rubbish, Spider.
I owe you one.
No worries, mate.
We'll take the ol' ute out as many times
as we have to until we get the job done.
Speaking of getting the job
done, I've been thinkin'.
You need something to take
your heroing to the next level.
A gun.
- Uh, no thanks, Spider.
That's all right.
- Could be like a new
koala gadget, though.
The safety's jammed so
she's always ready to go.
- Yeah, that actually makes
me want it less, mate.
Ah, suit yourself.
I do really need to
get rid of it, though.
- Typical. The garbage men
decided to knock off early.
What happened to
municipal spirit?
What happened to the proud
Australian civil servant?
- SPIDER: Uh... Koala Man?
- What happened to...
What happened to
all the rubbish?
My god.
Bloody hell!
I didn't know you could
dump dead bodies here.
These poor, innocent garbos.
Ugh...
Evil has been set loose.
- Who did this to you,
Wizened Garbage Man?
The Tall Poppy.
- Ah, yeah? Some cunt
thinking he's better than us?
I knew it! Probably
from Adelaide.
No, you dickheads!
The real Tall Poppy!
A creature of flowers and thorns
pulled from under the
ice of Antarctica...
and hidden here where it
could eat rubbish in peace.
- All right, grab those copper pipes,
we'll take 'em down to Cashie's.
[creature snarling]
Oi... who's there?!
Reveal ya self... fuckwit!
[snarling]
Give me rubbish!
Why should we, you flower fuck?
Aw, come on, man.
Someone took all the top-notch
rubbish, and I've gotta get my garb on.
You've got a problem, mate.
- Yeah, my problem is you
won't give me my fuckin' shit!
[snarling]
Mmm! The people here
are rubbish too!
Aw, yeah.
That's the good
shit right there.
- We made the phrase "Tall
Poppy" synonymous with evil,
something to destroy, so...
[groans] ...that if the
real creature ever escaped,
we Australians would
know what to do.
And now it has been unleashed
because the bins didn't go out.
Okay, yeah, pretty
straightforward.
Stop the Tall Poppy
or we're all doomed!
Ughhhh...
Spider, we have
to get back quick!
The old man said that
thing loves to eat rubbish,
and my house is covered in it!
[gunshot]
Spider? What did
you do that for?
- In case he turned. I didn't
know if this was zombie rules.
Can't be too careful.
- Jesus Christ, Spi...
That was a human being.
Just get in the
car, mate, let's go.
[sighs]
I've done it. I've
fixed everything.
Lawnmowers, a Sega
Saturn, a Barcelona chair.
They're all perfect again.
Oh, but there must be
something else to fix!
Perhaps... my life?
Uh-oh. Oh, no.
No, I'm starting to have
thoughts I don't want.
Oh, here they come.
Why did I settle down?
Is this it? Aaah!
Let me see...
No, no, no! It looks way too
planned. It has to look candid, Liam.
McKayla and Rosie will see
through this in a second!
Or we could, I don't know...
paint a Mechanized Duelist who specializes
in fighting oversized creatures!
All he needs is a good dry
brush and he can go into battle.
- [scoffs] Forget it! I'm
gonna take the picture myself.
- All right. But this could've been the
soldier that ended the Kthtquian war.
- ♪ ominous music playing ♪
[feet pounding]
[roaring]
- What the hell are you?
Get out of our yard!
- [snarls] I'm gonna eat your rubbish,
and then I'm gonna eat you too.
'Cause you're rubbish as well.
And then I'm...
gonna get help. I swear to
god, this is the last time.
I know I'm addicted.
I know, I'm aware.
Please don't judge me. [roars]
[screaming] Uch, gross!
- Alison!
- Hey! Tall Poppy!
Who the fuck are you?
- They call me Koala Man,
and Dapto is my town.
Release the girl, Tall Poppy.
This is not on!
Oh, but it is on, Koala Man!
By that I mean the battle
we are about to have!
♪ Epic music playing ♪
- Ah, this town is so
full of walking trash!
Why would I ever
go back to my hole?
This is my town now!
- Never!
- [snarling] Yaaa!
[screams]
[electric guitar scratching]
♪ Koala Man, hero for all ♪
♪ Daptonians ♪
- Oi, Koala Man!
Sick theme song!
♪ Koala Man, fighter of crime ♪
♪ Defender of the way ♪
- If only there were
something we could do!
Wait! The Mechanized Duelist!
They specialize in fighting
oversized creatures.
Mum, do you think you could
fix up some of this stuff
if I told you what
it should look like?
I can fix anything.
[roaring]
[Koala Man groaning]
- Stop moving! You're
messing up my perfect selfie!
[Tall Poppy chuckles]
[roars]
Hey, you! Mr. Scary Monster!
Looks like my miniature skills
are about to pay off, Alison.
Uh, Mum. Something's
wrong with the engine.
- Engine? Liam, I'm not a
mechanic. This thing can't move.
Ah. Then this was a bad plan.
Liam, you're a fucking idiot!
That's okay, son!
Trying is the first
step toward succeeding!
Look, you seem
like a good bloke,
but I just really need to
eat all this yummy trash.
It's just... it's
just too delicious.
You forgot one
thing, Tall Poppy.
One man's trash is
another man's treasure.
- Uh, yeah, that's why
I'm eating it, cunt.
Eat this!
[roaring]
Oww! Who bloody put that there?!
[thuds] [Tall Poppy groans]
[liquid burbling]
Oh, we're alive, dickhead!
Yeah, and we smell so good!
[sniffs] Oh!
- Liam, thank Christ for
your dumb, stupid toys!
That's all I ever
wanted to hear, Dad.
[Tall Poppy snarling]
- Guess I just saw a flower
monster die in front of me... vibe.
[neighbors shouting, jeering]
It's time, fellow Daptonians!
Kill the beast!
- I'm sorry. I only wanted
to clean up the town.
[crowd jeering]
[Tall Poppy weeping]
Wait!
Look, I know you all
want to kill this flower,
but don't you see that by
chopping down the Tall Poppy,
we're really chopping
down ourselves?
He just wanted to clean
up Dapto. Just like me.
And, yes, maybe he went
on a murderous rampage,
but sometimes you can't
help but be what you are.
He's a Tall Poppy.
I'm a superhero.
And we're all in this together.
[sniffles] Fuck...
That was fuckin' awesome.
That was like a scene
from a movie or some shit.
What, you think
you're better than us
just 'cause you're trying
to teach us a lesson?
- Oh, la-di-dah!
Fuck off, Koala Man!
You're not better than me!
- You know what?
I've got an idea!
Let's spare the Tall Poppy!
I mean, he's just a bloke trying to get
on in this world, for heaven's sake!
- [cheering]
- Are you serious?
I just said exactly
what he just said.
CROWD: Big Greg is
nice! Big Greg is nice!
- Send him to the shithole where we send
all our cleaned-up junkies: Hollywood!
[cheering] TALL
POPPY: Yay! Thank you.
- So? Did you see the picture
I posted? Pretty aloof, right?
- Um, sweetie, I hate to say it, but it
looked like you were trying too hard.
- What?!
- Yeah.
And I guess someone
posted it on a cringe page
and now you're kind of
famous for being cringe?
But I'll tell Rosie
you said hiiii.
- Well played, McKayla
Taylor Mercedes, well played.
But I will become the most
powerful girl in school.
And you're going to find out
exactly how far I'll go to do it.
You saved Dapto, Kevin.
Even if I find this
Koala Man stuff odd...
Infuriating, really...
Maybe the lesson is you shouldn't
try to fix broken things.
Just, you know, bury them till they
surface as a problem too big to ignore.
What I'm trying to say
is... I'm proud of you.
- Yes, well, I wish I could
compliment you back, Vicky.
But you did illegally tamper
with our neighbors' rubbish,
and I really should report it.
[sighs] Let's go home, Kevin.
- Yeah, I'm catching a
flight tonight to Portland.
I just need to get
away. [doorbell rings]
Hold on, there's
someone at the door.
- I couldn't let you leave...
without saying goodbye.
Because I'm dying.
He's a pretty good
actor, actually.
I'm happy for him. I heard he
kicked the rubbish addiction too.
- I can't believe he was only
in Hollywood for a few days
and he's already starring
with Alexandra Daddario
in a $1.5 million A24 movie.
Ah... the dream.
MASK: Kevin, what
are you doing?
Whoever compromised the
bins is still out there!
Hush, koala thoughts.
I'm having date night
with my best gal.
Though I still swear I
took those bins out...
- What's that, Kevin?
- Nothing, darling!
Shall we cuddle... in bed?
Oh, Kevin!
Mwah!
Everything is going
according to plan.
Of course you took
the bins out, Kevin.
But I brought them back up so
it looked like you never did.
First, I'll take your sanity.
Then I'll take everything
from you, Koala Man!
The Kookaburra will
have the last laugh!
[hysterical laughter]
I'm the Kookaburra!
♪ Koala Man ♪
♪ Hero for all ♪
♪ The Daptonians ♪
♪ Koala Man ♪
♪ Fighter of crime ♪
♪ And defender of the way ♪
♪ Koala Man ♪
♪ He'll take a stand ♪
♪ He'll rid the lands ♪
♪ Of evil plans ♪
♪ Yeah-eah-eah! ♪
♪ Fanfare playing ♪