Klovn (2005–2021): Season 7, Episode 2 - Baked Alaska - full transcript

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BACK ON THE TREADMILL

BAKED ALASKA

- I'll be off, honey.
- Yes.

I can't believe you bother. You can get
it for 20 kroner in the supermarket.

No, you can't. You won't get
a hand-made basket for 20 kroner.

You'll get a ...
... a straight basket for 20 kroner.

But if you want a crooked basket,
you have to make it yourself.

I'd be careful with the smart remarks
looking like that.

It's a mountain bike outfit!
That's how all we Mountain Lions look.

- It doesn't suit you.
- I'm thrilled Casper got me in.

We have this incredible unity.
We have so much fun.



And they were really happy
we're throwing the dinner party.

- Oh.
- They're all coming. Lene, too.

- But I'm not a tomboy like her.
- You could choose to be.

My little Pippi.
There are loads of pow in you. See you!

- Mountain Lions.
- I ride in the front, Frank.

- There are no rules about that.
- No, but it's good form.

I saw this survey about -

- what sort of porn Danes watch
in various parts of Denmark.

Pretty insane that it's different if you
live in Jutland or in Copenhagen.

- What do they watch in Jutland?
- Amateurs and the girl next door.

That's kinda what I like, too.

- Does that do it for you, Frank?
- Yawn.

- I often think of Mia, too.
- When you watch porn? Bizarre.

Shouldn't you expand your horizon a bit?
Whether it's gay porn or bisexual ...



Shemale porn is fun, too.

- Shemale?
- It's world-class!

The shock! You're watching girl on girl,
and the camera slides down -

- and then one of them
is hung like an elephant.

It gives you this ...

- She porn.
- Shemale.

- Shemale porn.
- "She porn." Jesus.

That's your home assignment.
Okay, let's speed this up a bit. Come.

Come on, guys.
Yes!

- T almost crashed.
- You're a Mountain Lion.

- There.
- Well done. You attacked!

It's ... beer o'clock.

- Cheers, boys. Mountain Lions!
- It's been a pleasure.

- Thanks for the beer.
- It's tasty and doesn't crumb in bed.

- I have a parent's meeting.
- Wanna take the rest home?

I shouldn't smell of alcohol.
Thanks, guys.

A text from Erik.
Erik's been admitted to the hospice.

- What happened?
- Erik Clausen is in a hospice now.

Okay. And he was on the team?

He is on the team. We knew
he was sick, but it's still a shock.

Once you're in a hospice
you don't have much time left.

- It's the transit hall.
- The death route.

- Yes, itis.
- Right. That sucks.

- Well, see ya.
- Frank, you can't just take off.

Yeah, we need to process it.

You can't leave right after
getting bad news like that.

We get this seriously bad news,
so you show respect.

- You don't just leave.
- Right. But I'm running late.

Sure! But the severity of a tragic event
determines when you leave.

We just told you that Erik is
a big part of Mountain Lions.

We learn that the man Is
at death's door, and you just take off?

- No, no. I left before the bad news.
- No! You're still here.

I put the beer down and say:
"I have a parents' meeting."

Then I walk over here,

And when do you hear us saying
that Erik's in the hospice?

As I'm sitting down in the car, and just
as [ hear the word hospice I sit down.

- Frank Is in motion.
- He's halfway inside.

I was touching the car!

Sorry I'm late.

The Viking Museum is the only museum
that has five reconstructions -

- of 1000-year-old Viking ships.

And it's so exciting for the children
to get to sail in those ships.

Which leads me to the next topic.
Lars has volunteered for the trip.

I would like to have
yet another set of hands -

- because 26 little rascals are a lot
to handle on a trip like this.

- Yes?
- What time and when?

Wednesday next week
from 9 a.m. to 2 p.m.

So it requires that that person
takes a day off work.

- I can do that.
- That's great. Yes. Awesome.

Shall we give them a hand?
Thank you.

It's a good thing there are two of us.

- Nice meeting you.
- See you.

I don't know what time to start.
Maybe Wednesday?

It depends on when you can.

It'll be good to straighten out
the boy group.

- Do I have your number?
- I know I have yours.

- Hang on. What are you doing?
- I'm at the parents' meeting.

No, you're not.
I was just at the parents' meeting.

- Well, so was I.
- Where?

- In there.
- In the B class?

- Yes.
- Right. Malte is in 3A.

But I signed up for a Viking trip
to the Roskilde Viking Museum.

Well, you'd better pull out of it.
Come.

They're counting on you.

- No. I'll write it on the intranet.
- You can't do that.

- My husband wants to apologize.
- For what?

I signed up for a trip
I can't go on.

- I don't have kids in your class.
- [ apologize for my husband.

Yes.
Have a good trip to Roskilde.

Frank, you know the cabin trip
Malte is going on the 16th, right?

- The what?
- They need a parent to go.

So I thought you might do that
because I have the Braidathon.

I don't wanna go on that cabin trip.

You don't wanna go?
Because of those boys?

- Yes, I don't wanna go.
- He feels left out.

- Okay.
- Playing soccer here is more fun.

You have to make an effort
if you want to be part of the group.

- Like I do in Mountain Lions.
- I'don't wanna hear about that now.

It's not just a walk in the park
becoming a member of a boy group.

- Dad has felt left out many times.
- I haven't felt left out.

Sure. You've always
been a bit different.

- What do they like to do?
- LAN parties.

- Okay, we'll have a LAN party.
- What's that?

You connect computers
and play all night. We have fun.

We eat candy, popcorn
and drink Coca-Cola.

We go to bed when we want to.
We don't put down the toilet seat.

But no ladies.

- Deal.
- There! Mini Mountain Lion.

Leave the bikes here.

- Erik. Hi, Erik.
- Hi.

I've never smoked or drunk,
but I'm lying here knocked out.

- But this is a nice place.
- Beautiful view.

- Pretty view and nice ladies.
- Really?

- Sure.
- The ladies are fine?

Spoken like a true Mountain Lion!

And I told them:
"I know that this is serious.

- True.
- It's not a sore throat or the runs.

This Is serious stuff.

So if everything fails, I want
my last meal to be Baked Alaska.

That's right!

It's the most complicated dessert.
Of course, Erik should have it.

What Is it?

It's flambéed meringue
with ice cream filling.

- Who the hell is that?
- I'm Frank.

Frank, hi.
You look like a Bjarne.

That's actually spot on.

- Frank is riding with us, so ...
- We'll see if he measures up.

- But I am a Mountain Lion.
- Not quite.

- Once Erik has approved, you're in.
- But I was officially enrolled.

Michael, you said I'm a Mountain Lion.
I remember because right after that -

- we heard about Erik
being in the hospice.

- And Casper mentions the transit hall.
- I never said transit hall.

Sure, you did!
You said transit hall, end of the road.

- And that he was a dead man.
- A word.

- Stop pulling at me!
- You're not hearing me!

- I am a Mountain Lion.
- You're almost a Mountain Lion.

It's official!
I rank just as high as ...

No, you don't.

- There aren't different levels!
- Sure, loads!

There's no Over-Mountain Lion
or Under-Mountain Lion.

I'm not ... I'm going to see Erik, too.
I'm a Mountain Lion, too!

- You should take a walk.
- Then all Mountain Lions should.

- Okay, we all go. I'll go with you.
- Fine. Let's go.

He didn't look too good.

But Jorgen is at odds of 1:25.

He'll croak any minute now.
Ghita is at 4:8.

She looked good last time.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- You're the cook?
- The cook, yes. Hi.

- You're the one making Baked Alaska?
- Yes, I am.

Are you betting on the patients?

- We say residents.
- Okay. Right.

But it's cause for termination,
so it's a bit hush-hush.

Sure. I can imagine.

So if you'd keep it to yourself,
I'll owe you one.

I don't know what you have to bargain
with, but I'm not a snitch.

Look.
Low odds: Very sick. Dying soon.

So if you have high odds,
like Erik Clausen ...

He's at a nine.
That means he isn't next.

- Did you see him?
- Yes.

He looks all ...

- Nine?
- Yes.

- Those are good odds.
- Well, well. How much?

- A hundred.
- Cool.

Frank Hvam. H-V-A-M.

- Lennart. My hands are wet.
- Mine, too.

- I'm a Mountain Lion.
- Oh, cool.

I'll try to kill someone
with the dagger.

- Chips coming up, soldiers.
- Do we have more?

- Sure, loads.
- And candy?

Candy, too.
And ice cream.

- Any more soft drinks?
- Sure, knock yourselves out.

- For how long can we play?
- For as long as you want.

- All night.
- Malte, your dad is so cool.

- He's coming on the cabin trip.
- He is?

- Nice.
- Yes, we'll have a great time.

Good night, boys.

SO.

Shemale ...

Wow.

- Dad, what are you doing?
- Working.

You're on the cloud.
We can see everything you do.

- You can see what?
- It's really gross. Dad ...

Seriously.

Yes ...

There was ...

... a Situation last night.

- They're just fantasies.
- Dad, just stop, please.

Malte, I need to explain it.

A fantasy isn't the same
as wanting something to come true.

You've seen a pee-pee, I presume.
An adult pee-pee, too, right?

But not on a grown woman. And that's
what's new here, The combination.

That's the explosive part,
but it's just a fantasy.

And it's important that we agree
not to tell anyone.

- Hi.
- Hi, honey.

- So did you have fun?
- Yes. Thanks for breakfast.

Maybe you should go pack your stuff.

Yes, allez.

- Did it go okay, Malte?
- Yes.

- Is something the matter?
- No, no.

We had fun.
They're just tired.

- This was a good idea.
- It was good for the boys.

Yes.
That's good.

- Cheers,
- Cheers,

- Cheers,
- It's lovely to see you all.

It was great that we stopped by Erik.

- He'll pull through.
- He'll bounce back. Knock on wood.

- Wonderful meal.
- Delicious, Lennart.

- Great food.
- Good, thanks.

When we were out there,
and you came along on a test ride ...

You're on a bike that's only half paid
and in a Kermit helmet.

I had my doubts about you,
but let's all agree: Frank is welcome.

- Yes!
- Wow!

- You're such a nerd.
- I got you a small present.

I went shopping today
and I saw this In a window.

Oh, my. Thanks, Lene.
You didn't have to do that, Lene.

- It had your name written all over it.
- Wow, what is it, Lene?

Wow. Let's see it.

- That is beautiful, honey.
- Damn!

Isn't it beautiful? I got myself
a little something, too.

- Same style. Different color.
- Yes. And then, you know ...

Yes! Yeah.

- Putiton, honey.
- No, no.

- Careful what you wish for.
- Putiton, honey.

- Let's see Mia in the lingerie, too.
- I'm not doing that.

- Goon.
- Mia, Mia, Mia.

- Mia, Mia, Mia, Mia.
- Goon.

- A little show coming up!
- Cheers!

- If I may just...
- Let's drink to the cook!

Cook, cook, cook, cook.

- Cheers,
- I have some really bad news.

- Erik Clausen died.
- Excuse me? What the hell is going on?

- Are you joking?
- Afraid not.

They just called from the hospice.

Why do they call you
when Erik Clausen dies?

Because I'm the hospice cook.

Honey, not now.
Erik died.

- Erik who?
- Erik Clausen.

Then what about Erik's last meal?
The Baked Alaska?

- He got crépe suzette instead.
- I can't believe you just said that.

Why the hell didn't he get
Baked Alaska?

Because I was the only one
who could make it.

- Then what the hell are you doing here?
- You stole Erik's cook.

1 did that in good faith.

Everyone thought Erik had tons of time.

The odds on him are 9!

Odds 9?
What the hell are you talking about?

Lennart and the staff
bet on who dies first.

You gamble on Erik's life.
Lene, we're leaving!

You cannot leave
when you've just had bad news.

- Says who?
- Says you!

I've never said that.

This Is a time when we need each other
and should support each other.

So what good is it that
all the Mountain Lions just take off?

Mountain Lions my ass.

So much for unity.

You look lovely.

I'll get the big one, honey.

- Hi.
- Hi, Sigurd.

I might as well say it up front.
The parents have been talking.

After what happened last weekend,
you're not welcome.

He's not welcome?
Why not?

I guess you haven't discussed it.
There was a LAN party -

- where Frank decided to show
shemales, I mean, actual porn -

- to Malte and Sigurd.

- It was an accident.
- You did what?

Well, that's not how Sigurd tells it.

He says it wasn't an accident?
It was an accident!

Call it what you will, Frank.
It's disgusting.

I think so, too! I find it disgusting
with pee-pees on ladies, too.

Didn't I look surprised?
Malte, didn't I look very surprised?

- Yes.
- Was I pulling my pee-pee?

- No.
- Stay out of this. Stay out of it!

So aren't you coming, Dad?

No, Dad isn't coming after all.
You'll have to handle the Braidathon.

- The branches need to be dropped off.
- I'm not going to the Braidathon.

- Okay, I'll bring the sticks out there.
- Get going. Now.

- May I say goodbye to my child?
- Leave!

- Did you pack extra undies?
- I'll have to borrow some.

- No, but it's ...
- Yes, like that.

Is this the Braidathon?
I have willow branches.

Wow.
Have they been primed?

- So, you tie it up here?
- Yes, just to keep it together.

- And then you do like this?
- Exactly, and then behind it.

- May I have a go?
- Yes, go ahead.

Mia is crazy about this.

- It goes around here and in there.
- Hey, whoa.

Frank?
Hey. What are you doing?

Dropping off some
willow branches for Mia.

- It's the Braidathon.
- Braidathon?

It's Frank.
He's at the Braidathon.

- No. Isaid...
- Have fun, Frank.

- Have fun with your Braidathon.
- See ya, Frank.

Weeping willow!

Hi, Frank.
I'm here with your winnings. 900 kroner.

- Perfect,
- Wanna let it ride?

Karen Thisted was just admitted.

- How does she look?
- Poorly.

I'll reinvest.
900 kroner on Karen Thisted.

I'll make a note of it.
I'll get back to you.