Klovn (2005–2021): Season 7, Episode 1 - Det muslimske klaver - full transcript

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BACK ON THE TREADMILL

THE MUSLIM PIANO

It's so depressing
that the holiday is over.

I'm ready to retire.

- Yeah, me too.
- I'd make great use of the extra time.

But I can't wait to see Casper again.
That'll be fun.

I was thinking about
inviting him and Lene over for dinner.

- For dinner?
- We'd have a great time with them.

- I'm not sure about that.
- Because you won't talk to Lene?

I don't know.
I don't know her.

She seems a bit wild. Do you think
she even wants to come here?



I'm sure of it.
We're pretty wild ourselves.

- Would you like to be wild?
- Yes, I would.

Shall we let out the wild beast?

- Ouch. Don't forget our agreement.
- What?

Let's not forget our agreement.

There.

- What time Is it?
- Yes, you should get going.

- Shall I take you?
- My lunch.

- Shall I take you, sweetie?
- I'd rather drop dead.

- Thanks for breakfast.
- You're welcome.

- Seevya.
- Bye-bye.

- Are you going to the café?
- You bet.

And I'll go check out
a digital piano.

- You're getting a piano?
- Yes, I thought I might.



- But you don't play.
- I could learn.

Right?

- Anyway I've made up my mind.
- Is this because of Lene?

- Because you want to impress her?
- No, it's not, Frank.

It sounds nice. I just want you to buy
the piano because you want ...

Yes, that's why!
Will you give it a rest?

Yes. I just think it's a pity
if it's all just to impress Lene ...

She's a professional musician. Maybe you
should make some pastry or something.

Hi. I'm from Hare Krishna.

- Would you like to make a donation?
- It's really quite simple.

I give the exact same amount
to everyone with a religious message.

1 krone.

- Thank you.
- Have a nice day.

- Did you give him just 1 krone?
- Yep, I did.

- That'll put a stop to that scam.
- And we're back to normal.

Hello.
Do you have a Casper Christensen here?

- Ta-dah!
- Hey!

- Come here, man!
- What a troll.

Who said troll?
What's with the beard?

It kinda suits you.
May I touch it?

Yes, yes. It's full.
It looks awesome.

Not everyone can grow a beard.
It's a bit...

- I myself grow a fantastic beard.
- Not a single bald spot.

Yours is fine, too. But here ...
A tiny bald spot on your chin.

- I'l fill in,
- It's covered by the hair above?

- Yes, I can pull it over.
- Yeah. Cool.

Mia isn't crazy about it.
She doesn't like it.

She turns off the light during sex.
At least I can't see her grey hairs.

- On her pussy?
- No. Yeah, sure.

It's like fucking your granny,
looking at that grey hair.

Peter, if you could have this for me
by ... shall we say Wednesday?

- Wednesday? Yes, certainly.
- Cool.

- What are you having done?
- They're putting in a gusset.

- Oh, you must've gained weight.
- No, I've actually lost a bit.

But Lene prefers me
as a size 50.

So I'm having a gusset put in
without her knowledge.

That way they'll fit me.
It'll say 50 but it's 4 cm wider.

Rasted was ...
When they met, he was a 52, I think.

They live the life, the Aqua money
pours in, and he gets bigger.

With his band and all that crap
he goes all the way up to 54.

- 54?
- And she takes off, She'd had it.

So I know what's coming
if I don't stay at 50.

- Don't you have a specific address?
- "Used digital piano. The Square 260."

There! 260.

"Danish Islamic Mosque." I didn't think
people like that played the piano.

No. They're selling it, aren't they?
I'll handle this, honey.

- Okay, so let's go in.
- No, you stay in the car, honey.

- Bad idea to provoke Muslims.
- Of course I can come.

- We're just buying a piano.
- It'll cost double if you come.

- Okay, go get it then.
- I'll be back in 10 minutes.

- Assalamu alaikum.
- Hi. You have a piano for sale.

- Yes.
- I took off my shoes.

- We do that when we get upstairs.
- Okay.

- Lovely place you have here.
- We're very happy with it.

- Lovely colors.
- Yes.

- You can leave your shoes there.
- Yes. Clever.

Of all the world's religions
Islam has something special.

Wow, beautiful.

Hi. I took an Islam exam,
and it sort of stayed with me.

Worshipping a man that is eventually
hammered to a cross ...

It's comical.
Whereas with Mohammad ...

He wasn't flawless. Or yes, he was,
but the whole thing has more power.

- So that is the holy book?
- Yes. The Quran.

I have something for you
to take home and read.

"Introduction to Islam",
East Jerusalem, will we get it back?

- I hope so.
- I'll think about converting.

Because ... why not?

It's right here.
Only used a few times.

- How much does a think like that cost?
- From new it's 12,500.

Excuse me. What's going on?

- We're about to close the deal.
- I've waited for 45 minutes.

Honey, you're wearing shoes.
I'm sorry. Go back to the car.

- Go back to the car.
- Stop it!

Yes. Sorry about that. Women have
these lofty thoughts, you know?

You give them an order, but they forget
and do stuff without permission.

From new it's 12,500.

So what if I say -

- I have the money
in my pocket, all cash?

You can do with it whatever you want.
Send them to the Middle East.

- Let's say 4.
- 4000?

- Yes.
- Okay. 4000.

Fantastic.

Here you go.

Yes, sO...
Will you open the door?

Yes. Thank you.

- What was going on up there?
- Just a bit of acting, honey.

Smile.

- A very good price.
- Tell me what happened.

I pulled a sales trick on them. I acted
Muslim. Good thing I have a beard.

- Malte.
- What?

We need a strong Muslim man.

Mom got a piano.

A Muslim piano.
Woman! Get in the house.

- Let the Prophet's sons handle it.
- Lift on three.

- You can't count in Arabic.
- Neither can you.

- One, two, three.
- Inshalama or Inshalama.

- You're not lifting. Come on. Lift.
- Inshalala. Whatever.

- Are you okay, Dad?
- I just threw out my back.

Yes, we've seen it now. Grab the piano
so we can get it inside.

There.

This is fun.

The itsy-bitsy spider

climbed up the water spout.

- I know it now, honey.
- Honey, honey, honey. Relax.

- We'll have a nice evening, you'll see.
- But let's try it one more time.

No, I'm not going down that road.
It's a stupid road.

- What do you do with your left hand?
- We have something they don't.

We know each other inside out.
Their relationship is insanely shallow.

This is wonderful.
Great food. Wonderful.

Your clothes aren't exactly
what one can buy at H&M.

- No, it's Chanel.
- It looks amazing on you.

Her dressing room.
It's like walking into Narnia.

- It's a bit bigger than yours.
- Yes, It's a wonderland.

Yes, Mia has also bought a new dress
for the occasion.

It's very pretty.

- It has prints.
- It looks like bacon chips.

- Yes, yes.
- What the hell are you doing, Frank?

- Fetching some sparkling water.
- Sit down, man. What's going on?

I have a pinched nerve
in my lower back.

- What happened?
- I lifted a piano.

Long story.
I got it for a good price.

- Who plays?
- I play a little.

- Where's the piano? May I see it?
- Sure.

I'll join you.
Shall we play a song?

Rock'n'roll in the house.

Sure, we can do that.

- Play "In Love in Copenhagen."
- Yes, baby!

You and I
found a spark that became a flame.

A flame.

Found a path
to something we'd never had.

Yes you and me
found sweet love so that now we see

That this year
spring is finally here.

- I love you, honey.
- Great. Great!

It's the voice of the 90s,
00s and the 10s.

- Do you remember this?
- Parrot disease!

- Yes!
- I love you.

- A pig. A dog.
- No. It's a buffalo.

- Nosebleed.
- Yes.

- What's this then?
- A cat. But you said my favorite ...

- Yes, wasn't that it?
- No! It's a mouse.

- Yes, yes, it's a cookie jar.
- Cookie jar.

Isn't it incredible
how fast we are?

We're like old souls that flutter
around intertwined.

- My turn.
- You deserve at least one point.

This is something you wanted to be
when you were a boy.

- An astronaut!
- No.

- Veterinarian?
- No.

- Shoes?
- Yes.

- He works ...
- He works with shoes?

- Yes.
- A shoemaker?

- Shoe store.
- Yes ...

I never wanted to be a shoe salesman.

- But you loved shoes.
- No. I wanted to be an astronaut.

- Because you liked pretty shoes.
- This is a crazy thing to witness.

It's like you just met.

It's like this dead ...
You know the thing with ...

A moat! That's what it's called.
With muddy dead water.

- With crocodiles.
- And feces.

- You don't know each other!
- We know everything about each other.

No, we know everything
about each other.

- No secrets?
- No!

How about a gusset in the pants?
Is that something you discuss?

- A gusset in Casper's pants?
- You have a gusset?

- Have you gained weight?
- No.

- Let me see. Stand up.
- This is becoming ridiculous.

- Just stand up!
- Sure, what is it you want to see?

- Stand up!
- What?

You are kidding.
What the hell?

You have an old-man gusset!

- Well, they shrunk.
- You put on weight and didn't tell me!

We only have a few rules.
Exercising, eating healthily ...

I do!
It's probably abs.

You have to stay at 50, or
I'll be really disappointed and upset.

- You're hurting me deeply.
- Are you gloating right now?

- I'm just caressing my wife.
- Don't forget to turn off the light!

He can't stand your grey hair.
He feels like he's banging Grandma Duck.

- God, how embarrassing.
- So embarrassing.

- Shut your trap.
- What's that about? Well?

We'll be off,
It's been a blast. Don't get up.

Dye your hair, Mia, and you can bang
with the lights on again. See ya.

It's not helping.

I'm sorry, honey.
I shouldn't have said that.

But it's completely inappropriate
for him to say it.

Having said that, it makes no difference
if you turn off the light -

- because I have a beard, or I turn
it off because you have grey hair.

It's not that I'm not sexually
attracted to you.

It's about the shock of discovering
the decay.

Basically,
I'm just afraid of losing you.

That you get so old
that you suddenly die.

It's not as if the grey hairs disappear
if I mention them.

There'll just be more and more.
Under your arms or on your wee-wee,

I think you should return the piano.

Copy that.

Hi, I'm here
with sort of a silly inquiry.

My wife doesn't like the piano very
much, and she sent me to ask you -

- whether you'd let us return it.

Now's a really bad time.
We're about to go to prayer.

Just a quick yes or no.

Can't we talk afterwards?
I haveto ...

You're welcome to join me.

- That would be interesting.
- We'll talk afterwards.

Just wash your fingers
and your face.

I have a bit of a sore back.

- Like this or?
- Yes, and your face.

Then your feet.
You must be clean.

Allahu akbar.

I'm sorry, It's my back.
A pinched nerve.

It suddenly got better.
What a huge relief.

Thank you. Thank you.

I'll give you 2000,
and then everybody's happy, right?

We're happy to get even some of it back.

- Super. Thanks.
- You're welcome.

You're welcome here anytime.

- Take care. Salam 'laiku.
- Aleikum salam.

- Mia.
- Yes.

It's a done deal.

The piano has been returned.
And I have something to show you.

What Is new here?

My back!
It's working.

How wonderful for you.

The nerve is back in business.
It's a huge relief.

- Good. So how much did you get?
- 2000.

- Pretty good.
- Yes. It's great.

That's what it cost,
so that's nice.

- No, it cost 4000.
- No, it cost 2000.

No, it cost 4000.
I should know what I paid for it.

But the ad said 2000.
Let me see.

"For sale for 2000.
Used digital piano."

You paid 4000 for it?
What a great deal.

You negotiated it up to 4000.

Hello.
I'm from the Pentecostal Church.

We're collecting funds
for the homeless in Romania.

Yes, it's very simple.
I have this principle.

I give the same to everybody.
I donate 1 krone.

No. You just gave 2000
to the Islamic community.

So he should get 2000, too.
Isn't that your principle?

- We would like to donate 2000.
- That's amazing. A transfer form.

- Thank you! God bless.
- Yes. And you too, for sure.

So now I get weighed
every Monday morning.

I have to stand butt-naked
on an old bathroom scale.

I'm weighed,
and the number is recorded.

That's how you weigh pigs.

So hypothetically,
what would happen if you refused?

You need to understand that in addition
to being fond of Lene -

- I'm pretty happy with the
international touch from Norway.

- Norway, international?
- And Aqua. Aqua is shining on me.

So I'm a little bit famous in India and
wherever they sold albums.

- And then there's the money.
- Yeah, the money I can understand.

Once you've flown first-class,
it's hard to go back.

- I wish Mia had more money.
- You must wish for a lot of things.

Like this. I have to pay the Pentecostal
Church 2000 because Mia wants me to.

That's insane. That's crazier
than me being weighed.

So it says that your money goes to
homeless youngsters in Romania.

How do they get so skinny? I don't
blame Lene. It does look good.

You look so nice
after you shaved, honey.

And you're so pretty with your new hair.
Pretty color.

- Wanna fool around?
- I'd love to.

- It's gonna be a wild ride.
- Yes.

- Good.
- Frank, did you brush your teeth?

- Yes.
- Your breath smells a bit.

- Does that mean we can't go on?
- No. It's okay.

Because, this is what it's like now.
It's not getting any better.