Klovn (2005–2021): Season 5, Episode 2 - Mere ost Christian Braad Thomsen? - full transcript

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MORE CHEESE,
CHRISTIAN BRAAD THOMSEN?

I have to go to the post office.
I won't be a minute.

- Hi. Do you want a brochure?
- What's it for?

The Danish People's Party.
We've got our annual party on Friday.

- We're trying to get new members.
- That's so you, Frank.

- Aren't you going to go?
- To their youth party? Oh, yes!

- Are you a member of the party?
- Yes. For six months now.

- It's really cool.
- Is it with accordeons and all?

- No. We have a disco with lights.
- A what?

A disco with lights.
If you're into dancing...

We'll go and have lunch.
Then you can tell us all about it.



- What was your name again?
- Pia?

- No. Stine.
- Nice meeting you.

You're the prettiest member
of that party I've ever seen. Bye.

- Too bad a nice girl ends up there.
- Yes, it's a damn shame.

She should have been in "Paradise
Hotel", not a right-wing party.

Yes, what's going on? People
don't care. Art is shite today.

The government
doesn't appreciate art.

The only thing I liked about her,
besides her breasts, was her drive.

We could do a creative think tank
with people like...

... Christian Braad Thomsen,
Georg Metz and Leif Sylvester.

Who's going to call them
and get it going?

- Are you going to contribute or not?
- I'm not going to call them.

This isn't about you, Frank.
It's about doing something for art.

Okay, we'll do it. Fine.



- Hi, Mia.
- I'm going to the shops.

- Did you pay the bills?
- No, dammit. I forgot.

I was going to do it, but then
we started planning a think tank -

- with Erik Clausen and Anne Marie
Helger. And Rif from Micra.

- You mean Ren? Dif from Aqua.
- No, he can't think.

It's an uppercut
to the right-wing establishment.

Bloody hell!

- Did he run over your foot?
- Yes.

- Ouch...
- Oh, no. Where did he get you?

- On my foot, of course.
- Which one?

- Do you think it's broken?
- I don't know.

- Where are you going?
- Shopping. I just told you.

Could you go past the post office?
We need to pay those bills.

Here.

See you later.

- My foot still hurts.
- Is the little footsie still sore?

- Can I talk to you?
- I want to beat Inspector Morse.

I think I've got a good start
on this one.

- I'd just like to talk to you.
- What about?

I've been wondering if there's
something you're not saying.

- Something you'd like to try.
- What do you mean?

It's just that when we're together -

- you've started putting
your finger up my bum.

- I don't, do I?
- Yes, you do.

I like it, actually.

I've been talking to Susan about it.
I thought we could try it.

Susan says there's a fantastic
erogenous zone up there.

Well, if you're up for it, so am I.
The reason I'm putting my finger up -

- is to break new ground and breathe
new life into our relationship.

I think it's about time
we try that as well.

We'll just take it slow.

We'll open a bottle of really nice
red wine and play around.

I'm definitely up for that.

What a naughty girlfriend
I've got...

- Morning. Is your foot still sore?
- Yes.

- What a bummer, eh?
- Yes. Casper didn't even say sorry.

That's a bit rude.

- What's that you're putting on?
- Camphor lotion.

- Don't use too much. It's strong.
- Right now it just stings.

- Are you going anywhere today?
- The tea shop.

And then to Eva's,
the one I'm visiting friend for.

- You'll have to cancel that.
- I can't cancel her.

- You have to look after yourself.
- She'll be much too upset.

Then I'll go and visit Eva.

- And care for an elderly lady? You?
- I'm good with older women.

- It's just a cup of coffee, right?
- Fine, then.

I want you to get well,
so we can start on your bottom.

That's all you think about.
I can tell.

- What's this, honey?
- It's those bills I paid.

- Why did you pay this one?
- Isn't it for the badminton club?

- No. It's the Danish People's Party.
- Dammit!

How did that happen?
Now we're members of that party.

- Well, you paid it.
- Yes, but I didn't know what it was.

- I had a whole stack of bills.
- You have to check before you pay.

- Where did you get it?
- In the street. From an old man.

An old man? Handing out leaflets
for the party's youth section?

Don't ask me why.
They're a bit weird in that party.

Nice view I've got here.
Of your bottom.

66, please.

- Can I help you?
- I'd like some lubricant.

We've got two different types... or
not. Ellen, are we out of lubricant?

We must remember to fill up.

- Is it for vaginal dryness?
- No, it's for anal use.

- So you're homosexual.
- No, I'm straight.

- My girlfriend has asked for it.
- I doubt that.

- She has.
- Okay, whatever.

It's important that you grease
the anus well before you start.

Use a lot,
because it's going to hurt.

Use it on your penis as well,
and add some more later on.

- Any condoms?
- No. We're in a steady relationship.

- Okay. Just this one?
- Yes.

- Credit card or cash?
- Credit card, please.

Have a nice day.
Enjoy yourself.

It's the visiting friend.

- It's so good of you to come.
- It's been nice.

There's one thing I'd like to ask:
Could you help give me a bath?

I can't get to my back.
Would you mind helping me?

Well, Mia said it was just
a bit of chit-chat.

She mentioned cleaning as well,
but I thought she meant the hoover.

I'll go to the bathroom
and call you when I'm ready.

- Is that alright? I'll call you.
- Yes.

Frank, are you ready?

- I'm coming in now.
- No, Frank. Do it properly.

- Like this?
- Yes.

- You're a bit slow.
- I'm getting there.

- Like this?
- Yes. And further down.

A bit further...
That's right.

Like this? Is that good?
Right, that's it.

- Aren't you going to do more?
- No. I think that's enough.

- No thanks. I can't accept that.
- You've been so good.

- Buy something for Mia. Come on.
- Okay, then. Thank you.

- Thank you very much.
- Bye, bye.

I'm so excited about the think tank.
Christian Braad Thomsen is coming.

- Who is he?
- The author and multi-artist.

You've buttoned your shirt
crookedly. You bungler!

I took it off, when I was giving
Eva a bath. It got all wet.

- You did what?
- I gave her a bath.

After I'd finished with the flowers
and the hoovering.

You gave Eva a bath?
Why on earth did you do that?

- She said it was part of the job.
- No. The home carer does that.

- Don't you help her with baths?
- No. Of course not.

- She said she was dirty.
- Did you wash her all over?

- Yes, dammit.
- Including her bottom?

Frank, honestly!
How could you do that?

She gave me 300 kroner.
It's sexual abuse.

I'll have to call the home carer
and sort it out. How stupid!

Honey, we've got a magazine
from the Danish People's Party.

- I've already cancelled it.
- Yes, but we paid for a year.

- That's twelve magazines.
- Throw it out.

I'll read it first. Maybe I'll find
some interesting articles.

Don't worry. I'll chuck it.

Right, let's see...

"Summer house party..."

Hanne Vibeke Holst, Christian
Braad Thomsen and Leif Sylvester.

Erik Clausen said no.

Wait till they've gone.
Don't look yet.

Right.
Go ahead, Frank.

It's the colours. Is it something
coming from the outside, -

- or is it ideas coming into
his head and then disappearing?

You can see it,
but you can't hold on to it.

Do you understand?
And what's this?

An exclamation mark, a spot of paint,
a safety pin or a nail clipper?

It's not for children, that one.
It's really intense.

- Do you and Iben have anal sex?
- No, we don't.

- I think it's a bit gross.
- Mia opened the subject.

- It's a bit late.
- When should you do it, then?

If you want to do it,
it should be right at the start.

Sure, if it's a young girl, and
you've never seen her have a dump.

But once you've smelled your
girlfriend's farts and odours... no.

Well, I told her
we could have a go.

Three times will be enough for you.
Then you've tried it.

Jesus, Leif...
What a coincidence!

- How are you?
- Great. Thanks for calling.

- This is Frank.
- I'm also part of the think tank.

Didn't you go skiing
with the Minister for Culture?

Yes. Last year in St. Johann.
Do you ski as well?

- No.
- Okay. It's a great area.

I saw a photo of you and Brian
sitting like this.

- Looking like real buddies.
- Yes. It was taken by a journalist.

- But you didn't travel with him.
- No. We just ran into each other.

- It's not someone you... see?
- No, no. Not at all.

No one here socialises
with Brian Mikkelsen.

- Casper... see you.
- Nice meeting you. Bye.

- Brian Mikkelsen..!
- I didn't know he was so sensitive.

They all are. But they have a right
to be. Not like the rest of us...

- Look at this, Frank!
- Not another room, I hope.

- How cool. It's bloody cool!
- Yes, yes. Absolutely.

- And you met Leif.
- Sensitive man.

Very sensitive.
That's how he expresses his art.

He's attentive. That's why
the think tank is so important.

If they've seen our stuff,
and we oblige them now, -

- we'll open up to a
whole new group of people.

- We don't click with those old guys.
- That's just it!

They're sitting on the cultural and
intellectual gold. And on the money.

- Do you understand?
- No, not entirely.

- But I like your energy.
- Yes. The energy is right.

You ran over Mia's foot,
by the way.

I think she's expecting
some kind of apology.

- Why should I apologise?
- Because you ran over her foot.

I didn't do it on purpose,
so how can I apologise?

If I'd asked her to put her foot out,
I would happily apologise.

It's just to smooth things over.

- I apologise all the time.
- That's why you and I are different.

- It's her own fault.
- Yes, of course it is.

- But just to set things straight.
- Well, I'm not doing it.

It's really well done,
and the subject is rape.

That's the theme of it,
what an enormous abuse rape is.

Funny you should mention it.
I was recently a victim of abuse.

An elderly lady
tricked me into giving her a bath.

She made me wash her entire body,
including her bottom.

It's slightly different, of course,
but God damn it, Frank...

Gosh, what a story!

- You have to move on.
- It's all about storytelling.

Everyone's blabbering about
storytelling. We are the experts.

- More cheese, gentlemen?
- No thanks. It ruins the wine.

- Where is your toilet?
- First door on the right.

It's going really well.
We're reaching another level here.

I had a really good exchange
with Lotte and Tor...

- What the hell is this?
- What's up, Leif?

Look at this. A member's magazine
from the Danish People's Party.

- What?
- What the hell is this, Frank?

- Is he really your friend, Casper?
- I'm totally blank.

I can explain it, Leif.
Mia signed us up by mistake.

- She thought it was for the...
-... the badminton club.

It's okay. I just don't want
to be part of this atmosphere.

What the hell am I doing here?
It's PR people sucking out our blood.

- It's a misunderstanding...
- Thank you very much!

- I'm going with Lotte. Thank you.
- There's no reason to stay.

I've got an idea for a name:
The Trickling Think Tank.

Take care.

- Did they have any ideas at all?
- I didn't hear any.

I've lost all interest
in that think tank.

Thanks for the apology,
by the way.

- For what?
- For running over her foot.

- I told you I wouldn't apologise.
- You said it in the car...

- When are you going to stop lying?
- Now.

- Idiots.
- Damn..! Cheers.

I think we've cleared up
this little story by now.

- You want to return some money?
- That's right.

- Thanks for lending it to me.
- I apologise.

- It was just a misunderstanding.
- Here's your son.

- Hi, Peder.
- Hi, Mum.

- Hello.
- This is Frank, Mia's partner.

- Can I have a quick word?
- Yes, of course.

- How nice of him to visit, Eva.
- Yes. He doesn't come very often.

We'll sort it out.

Peder says you went to the pharmacy,
just before you visited Eva.

- That's correct.
- And you bought some lubricant?

Yes. That's also correct.

Peder is worried that your purchase
might be linked with your visit here.

How would the two be linked?

- Where did he wash you, Mum?
- On my back.

- Anywhere else?
- I asked Frank to go lower down.

- Did he wash your bottom?
- Yes.

- Did you wash Eva's bottom?
- I washed her back.

Then she told me to wash her
lower back and further down as well.

I'm sorry. I can no longer
take responsibility for this case.

- Doesn't she need washing?
- Not by visiting friends.

I would never dream
of molesting elderly people.

I'm a member of the Danish
People's Party. Right, honey?

- Ouch, ouch...
- Damn it.

- Ouch!
- What the hell is it?

Dammit... I'm afraid I used
the camphor lotion, honey.

Now it's getting to me as well.
Bloody hell..!