Klovn (2005–2021): Season 5, Episode 3 - White House Potential - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
Breathe out and
lower your shoulder blades.

Relax between the shoulder blades
and let them move sideways.

Breathe in and lift up
your shoulder blades.

Keep your arms down, Mia.
That's it.

Breathe out as you pull
your shoulder blades together.

- Do you want to stop?
- Yes, let's call it a day.

Mensendieck gymnastics
is a godsend.

- Would you like a glass of water?
- Yes, please.

Right, Frank.
She's as good as new.

- Do you want some exercises?
- No, I'm fine.

I'm going to Greenland next week.



Discovering that place is the
best thing that's happened to me.

This will be my sixth visit
in seven years.

Let me show you something.
Look at this.

Have you seen this before?
It's a dupilak.

It's made out of narwhal tusk.
It wards off evil spirits.

- I thought it was "tupilak".
- "Dupilak" is the Greenlandic term.

- Take down your feet, Frank.
- Thanks, Mia.

- I got all sweaty this time.
- That's a good sign.

- I'm off. Bye, Frank.
- Bye, J?rgen.

Mia, I'm off to Greenland
next week.

- Could you help me with my cat?
- Looking after it, you mean?

Yes, feeding it.
I'll be gone for two weeks.

- Three or four times is enough.
- Yes, that's fine.

Would you do that? Thank you.
Bye, Frank.



Can we agree that this is the
TV lounge? We don't talk in here.

- What do you mean?
- He came in and started babbling.

- You ought to widen your horizons.
- Now you're talking as well.

Can we go over on Friday
and get the key?

No. You were the one
who said yes, remember.

- Can't you go with me?
- I don't want to go over to J?nne's.

- What have you got against him?
- He wears a tupilak.

It looks stupid.
And it's superstitious nonsense.

- Are they new?
- Those ones? No.

Yes, they are.

- I needed some winter shoes.
- Are you going to use them?

- Yes, of course I am.
- What about the ones over here?

- There's twelve unused pairs here.
- No.

- You've never worn them.
- Yes, I have.

- I put it in afterwards.
- Now you're getting desperate.

- You've never used these.
- No. But the rest I have.

I'm fine with you buying shoes.
But it's silly if you don't use them.

- It's like being...
- God, you keep wittering on.

- What the hell?
- No, forget it.

"Hush... The Earl is sleeping"

Are you okay?

It's funny to think... Now that
Jarl is dead, I'm the main guy.

I sometimes think that if
we were to have a president here, -

- that could be
my next goal, you know.

Except we don't have
a president in Denmark.

I just think I've got
White House potential.

It means that 95 percent
of the decisions I make are correct.

And then you multiply that
with charisma...

I've got White House potential, too.
Everything I say is right.

No. What you just
said disproves that.

In my estimation,
you're at about...

... 55. 55 percent
of your decisions are correct.

- 35 percent of them are crazy.
- According to you.

In my opinion,
I'm at about 95.

Joking about it doesn't befit you
or the presidential office.

All I'm saying is, I also
make a lot of good decisions.

Why have you started buying
the magazine for the homeless?

- I thought it was Metro.
- Metro is free. This one is not.

I took it from a guy
standing in the street.

Stealing from a homeless person
is not White House potential.

I guess you're right.

This is the kitchen.
The cat food is in there.

There's more in the basement.

- Where is Knud?
- The cat's in the basement.

- He's been run over.
- I hope not.

Keys... That's my cab.
I better be off.

- Have a great trip.
- Thank you.

Shall we get going?

- Don't eat those.
- He's not at home anymore.

- Let's go.
- I just want to have a look around.

- He's got a pool table.
- I'll water the flowers, then.

It's fun to have a little look.

Mia?
He's got a Jacuzzi.

- Look.
- That looks nice.

Yeah, doesn't it?
Maybe we should have a bath.

- Now?
- Yes.

- No, we can't.
- Don't you need a little dip?

- Come on.
- We don't have to be anywhere.

- We can't take a bath here.
- Why not?

We'll have a bath at home.
Come on.

- I need to get to the butcher's.
- How boring.

I know it would be sexy, but...

White House potential means 95 %
of my decisions have to be right.

- What are you at now?
- I'm in the high 80's.

- Sometimes my parking is a bit...
- That's peanuts.

If we had a presidential election
they'd dig out all my skeletons.

- We don't have a president.
- If we did I'd need to come clean.

So I've started making a list
of all the times I've screwed up.

Can you keep a secret?
Seriously, don't tell anybody.

- Villum and I are making porn vids.
- With each other?

Shut up. I had this idea
of doing a porn movie.

But I can't direct. Then I thought,
"Villum is a film director."

So I imported some girls.
We've made six films so far.

- I'd love to see that.
- There's so much dough to be made.

Language doesn't matter.
You can sell them all over Europe.

- Do you dub them?
- It's just moaning sounds.

- You're not in them, are you?
- God, no. We use fake names.

- What's your alias?
- "Black Widow".

- Black Widow! Can I watch one day?
- Yes, okay.

- Can I come as well?
- Yeah, alright.

We were going to do one today,
but the location fell through.

We wanted to do a Jacuzzi scene with
two girls, but we need a Jacuzzi.

You don't just ask your friends, "Can
we do a porn movie at your place? "

We've asked everybody.
Remee said no.

It's a shame, because the girls
are waiting in the hotel room.

- You just need a Jacuzzi?
- Yes. The girls are really cheap...

You don't have to convince us.
We're ready.

I've got access to a Jacuzzi,
actually.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi.

- You're doing Mensendieck again?
- Yes.

- Have you been over to J?nne's?
- Not yet. I'll do it later.

- I thought I could do it.
- Yes, alright.

And make sure the cat
gets the right amount of food.

- Where are the keys?
- In the bowl on the kitchen table.

I'll do it right away,
so it's over and done with.

- Is it these ones?
- Yes.

See you. I'm going over
to check on the pussy.

- Don't forget the theatre tonight.
- What time?

- 8 o'clock.
- Super. I'll be home for that.

- Then you can wear your shoes.
- Oh, yes.

See you later. Bye.

Hi, Casper. It's Frank.
The coast is clear.

I've got the keys
to J?nne's house.

Yes, me too!
See you over there.

- Ready, Uffe?
- Tell them to have dirty eyes.

- Ready, Uffe?
- That's definitely dirty eyes.

"Strictly Come Danish",
scene 37, take 3.

Frank and Casper,
that goes for you too.

Ask her to slap her tits.
People like that.

Michael,
zoom in when she does it.

Everybody out.

Great opening scene.

- See you. Bye.
- Say hi at home.

- That was fun. Great hobby, eh?
- Yeah, it's super.

- Let's shoot.
- We need to tidy up, guys.

- I'll buy you a Hoegaarden.
- Sounds good. Come on, Frank.

Casper and Uffe..!

I think the Jacuzzi handle
has got stuck.

Casper!
We need to empty out the water!

- Just let the water out, dammit.
- I can't. It's stuck.

- That's crap.
- Leave the water in, then.

- Just say you took a bath.
- I can't do that.

I'm here to look after his cat,
not fill his Jacuzzi.

- Say you gave the cat a bath, then.
- Exactly.

- The pussy did get a bath.
- Yes, you wouldn't even be lying!

Seriously, guys... The Jacuzzi
has to be emptied. End of story!

- Why didn't you check it first?
- When should I have done that?

I don't know your time schedule.
But you offered to help.

Now you're putting me
in a shitty situation.

- Don't spill too much.
- Alright, alright.

- My White House potential is ruined.
- It was ruined anyway.

- I've put your tie out.
- That's nice, Pumpkin.

It looks good.

- Sorry I'm so late.
- Did you water the flowers?

Yes. There was a lot to do.
My arms are really sore.

- Why are your arms sore?
- Because...

- Aren't you wearing the new shoes?
- No.

- I thought you were.
- No, I'm wearing these.

- Frank, we need to go.
- Are they just going to stand there?

Put on the tie now.
We're running late.

- Are they going in with the rest?
- Stop going on about my shoes.

- You're going on as well.
- The shoes don't go with the dress.

- Put it on!
- I'm not wearing the tie, then.

Forget it.
I don't want to go out now.

- It was tough, but we made it.
- Thanks for being there.

Of course. I've finished my list
of skeletons in the closet.

- Really? Is it good?
- It's a long, evil list.

- Have you got it here?
- God, no! It's in a safe place.

- Are you doing another porn movie?
- Yes. We're doing a sequel.

- No water this time...
- It's Mia. Keep it down.

Hi, honey.
I'm with Casper and Uffe.

Now?

Yeah, okay. See you.

- Mia wants me over at J?nne's.
- Why? What did she say?

- Was she angry?
- I couldn't tell.

She said, "Come over
to J?nne's house now."

- Don't say anything about us.
- What do you think it could be?

Listen, we shot a porn movie
in another guy's house.

Look me in the eyes
and promise you'll keep me out of it.

Just deal with it. But don't
mention Villum, me or Casper.

- Keep your mobiles switched on.
- Don't mention us!

Honey?

- Honey?
- Yes.

- Where are you?
- In the basement.

- Where are you?
- In here.

Hi.

Hi...

- Aren't you surprised?
- Yes.

- I sure am.
- Come on now.

- You're a handsome man.
- Thank you.

- Is it hot?
- Yes.

What a lot of water
you've put in.

- I can't do any more.
- Almost there, honey.

We've only got
about 25 buckets left.

It's a bit thoughtless filling it up
without checking the drain.

- Have you noticed the shoes?
- Yes. They look really good.

I'm glad they're not going to be
left in the cupboard.

- Oh, no. They're fighting.
- Yeah, you're right.

- Let's go again.
- No. They're always fighting.

- I don't care. I'm hungry.
- No, Frank.

- He's coming now.
- You big liar!

Hi and welcome.
Hi, Frank. Hi, Mia.

- Are you okay?
- Yes, yes.

- I brought a little thing.
- Lovely. I collect those.

- What did we get?
- Take those. Hi, Frank.

- Iben, can I see your shoes?
- God...

- Are they the same?
- Yeah, completely. Look.

- We usually never buy the same.
- No. That's a shame.

From up here, they don't look
very similar. Only a little.

- The trousers are different.
- What about the vodka?

- That's annoying.
- A bit. But it's okay.

- What were you fighting about?
- Oh, boy...

That stupid list I made,
of the skeletons in my closet...

- She found it.
- Why did you leave it out?

- She's so nosy.
- Is my name on it?

No, no. I hid it
in this old Christmas clog.

- From my childhood.
- A Dutch clog?

- Girls love that sort of thing.
- How would I know?

- What do you mean, girls love it?
- It's knick-knack.

- That's not White House potential.
- No. I'm done with that idea.

- You can't become president here.
- That's what I've been saying.

Well, you can't.
Especially not me.

You really have to keep your nose
clean to stand a chance!

- Right.
- Thanks, Mia.

- And thank you for all your help.
- Don't mention it.

I bought this for you, Frank.
To show my gratitude.

Let's see... that's it.
A dupilak. Now we look the same.

- How nice.
- I hope it will help you.

Me, too.
I need all the luck I can get.

- Has it been storming here?
- No, the weather's been fine.

My flowerbed is full of water, so
I thought you'd had torrential rain.

- Oh?
- That's right...

It was pouring down
the day I went to the cemetery.

It's just strange
that it's all in one place.

The soil is quite clayey around here,
so the water doesn't drain away.

- Thanks for the coffee.
- No, J?nne...

We borrowed your Jacuzzi, and
then we couldn't get the water out.

Sorry about that.

- That explains it.
- The soil is still clayey.

You're welcome to borrow it.
If only I'd known -

- I would have shown you the drainage
tap in the boiler room next door.

You have a drainage tap?
No way!

That explains another thing.
I found these in the basement.

- They must be yours, then.
- No, they're not.

They're not?

I've put on the tie.