Klovn (2005–2021): Season 5, Episode 1 - Mamma Mia - full transcript

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Yes, that's it.
Good...

And stop!
That's it for today.

- I got you, didn't I?
- No, you didn't hit me.

- I won.
- Yeah, maybe.

Would you and Iben write us
a reference for the Adoption Board?

They want to know that people
in our social circle like us.

- Wouldn't it be easier just to fuck?
- We've tried that.

You have to get it all the way up,
you know.

Of course I'll write it.

We need to choose a Santa
for the Christmas party.

Who wants to volunteer?



- Frank, you were asking about money?
- Yeah, does it pay anything?

I haven't got the time.
We're busy trying to adopt.

Okay. Anybody else
who wants to sign up?

- What about Siesbye?
- Fine. He's not here.

- He looks like Santa.
- Yeah, he does.

Hi.

Hi, Lars.
What a nice surprise.

- How long have you been here?
- I've finished all the tea.

- You know I fence on Wednesdays.
- Yes. I don't know why you bother.

- It's fun.
- Who needs fencing these days?

- Why not play football?
- That's just as silly.

I'll just have a cake before I go.
Wanna share, Muffi?

- Good dog.
- Yeah, you're a little roly-poly.

Don't do that, Frank.



- Thank you, Mia.
- Thanks for looking at the papers.

- Say hi to Tina.
- Will do. Bye.

Pop by another day, when I'm home.
We'll share a beer.

- Strange behaviour by Lars.
- What was?

Well, as soon as
I come home he leaves.

- I think he's really sweet.
- Yes, he's nice.

He's the only one of your friends
who listens.

Not many men are interested
in hearing about tea brewing, honey.

- I bought you a scarf.
- I've got one already, Pumpkin.

I thought you needed a bit of shining
up for the adoption meeting.

- Alright.
- You dress like an 80-year-old.

They're looking for suitable parents,
you know. Not suitable grandparents.

- Did you come up with that one?
- No, Lars did. I think it's funny.

Yes, Lars Hjortsh?j
is a funny man.

- You look good, honey.
- I'm nervous.

We'll be fine.

Enter.

Hi, welcome.
Come in and take a seat.

- I made coffee.
- That sounds great.

I've got this one,
which you can take home.

And this is a good brochure
for the grandparents.

- They're probably excited as well?
- I'll give it to my parents.

Your case is going really well
and according to plan.

Your openness regarding the child's
origin reduces the waiting time.

We just want a child
as quickly as possible.

But you must know whether
Africa or Asia is most probable.

Because if we had the choice
between an African and an Asian, -

- we would probably
go for an African.

- We don't care.
- No, of course not.

But given the choice, we would go
for a black boy. They're stronger.

If you want to specify the origin,
the process will take longer.

- Then we'll start from scratch.
- No.

No, no. All I'm saying is,
it's like unspecified sandwiches.

You always hope
you'll end up with roast beef.

- So children are like sandwiches?
- Frank is just joking.

Children find him funny, but
adults don't always get his jokes.

- Do you often talk to children?
- No, not really.

- You don't interact with children?
- Well, I used to be a child myself.

Let's finish this for now
and look at the other issues.

Thank you for coming.
We're one step closer.

Before I forget... We need
a reference from your friends.

I've talked to our friends Lars and
Tina, and they'll write one for us.

- Great.
- I've already asked Casper and Iben.

You have? Lars and Tina
are better. They're more of a family.

- Can we submit two references?
- It's better with just one.

- Let's go for Lars and Tina.
- Yes, okay.

Ask them to give their
phone numbers, so I can call.

- You forgot your scarf, darling.
- Oh, yeah.

FRANK!!
NO CONTACT WITH CHILDREN

Come on...

I forgot to say that I'm going
to be Santa at a Christmas party.

Really? Things like that are really
going to count in your favour.

I don't know why I forgot.
It's for our fencing club.

The little nippers are so
impressionable at that age.

I'm really glad you told me.
Please give me the date and time.

- I'd like to come and see it.
- Yes, okay.

- Thank you.
- Have a nice day, Anne.

You too. See you later.

- That went well, I thought.
- Yes.

I didn't know about the Santa thing.

Mia told me that you and Tina
would write a reference for us.

Okay... Honey, do you want to go
for dinner at Tina and Lars'?

- Tonight? Yes, alright.
- We'd love to.

Super, Lars.
We'll leave straight away. Bye.

- What a nice idea.
- Yeah, it's good.

- What did he say?
- He said, "Stay over, dammit!"

That's why I like those people.
They're really impulsive.

- I like that. We'd better pack.
- Yes, let's do that.

It'll be good for our reference,
I think. He seems very positive.

I'll go pack my toothbrush.
I'm looking forward to this, honey.

Who's that?

- Hi, what a surprise!
- I brought some wine.

What a shame.
We're on our way out.

We thought we could
have a chat about the reference.

Forget about that. Mia wanted
Lars and Tina to do it. So...

No, it's not like that.
It's just that I asked them first.

Oh... Well, Frank asked me
if we wanted to do it.

Yes, but then Mia
preferred Lars and Tina.

- Why, Mia?
- It's not like that, Casper.

- That's what Frank said.
- Well, if you prefer them...

- Oh, stop it, Iben.
- It's not a competition. Come on.

- Good luck. Say hi to them.
- We're on our way up there...

- Mia... it's okay.
- See you, Casper.

- Do you think he's upset?
- Of course he's upset.

Couldn't you have made
something up? Lie, lie, lie!

"We've known Mia and Frank
intimately for 15 years."

"Rarely do you meet people who are
so open toward foreign cultures."

"Their sincerity makes them
loved by everyone."

I'd like to take the credit
for that one.

- Is it too much?
- No, I think it's perfect for Anne.

- We've put our numbers down.
- Thank you so much.

Frank, check out
my new bread machine.

I tell you, this thing can knead.

All you do is open the lid, put
the ingredients in, press "start", -

- and then it handles the rest.
We'll have fresh bread tomorrow.

- Let's drink to that.
- Cheers. Thanks for having us.

- You're always welcome.
- The beds are ready.

Before we get that far,
let's have some red wine.

- Is it an Amarone?
- Lars has bought this huge can.

It's at least five litres.
No one can see how much we drink.

We'll get hammered, honey.

This is good, Don Corleone.

- Can I borrow your Santa costume?
- Yes, of course.

It's for this children's event
at the fencing club.

I always say things like,
"God, you're a naughty little elf."

"Do you want to sit on Santa's lap,
you cheeky little monkey? "

"Am I the only one who wants to
unwrap this little nugget? "

You're usually good at it.

I'd love to borrow it.
It would be a great relief.

Tina and I have
been toying with this idea.

We were wondering if you were
up for a bit of swinging.

- You know, swapping partners.
- Great. Let's do it.

- Get your kit off, honey.
- Frank, I'm serious.

- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am.

Lars and I have been married for
years. We like to spice things up.

We think it's challenging
to have sex with other people.

Some people call it swinging,
but we don't go to clubs -

- to meet some stranger
and then "wham-bam!"

- You're taking the piss.
- No. Think about it.

It changes the foreplay. Your breasts
are bigger than mine, for example.

Your breasts are really firm.

- You've never tried it?
- No.

We experiment, of course. But
we've never done anything like that.

- It's not my cup of tea. Or ours.
- No?

Well. That's okay.

- We wanted to give you the offer.
- We appreciate that.

As Tina said, you sometimes
find another person attractive.

I have to say, Mia, I think we've had
some intense moments together.

You've got that look... bang!

It's because
I'm a bit scared right now.

- I think it's a different "bang".
- Yeah, alright.

- Shall we go to bed?
- Yes, okay.

- We'll retire to our chambers.
- It's been a long day.

- It's past your bedtime, honey.
- Sleep tight, then.

- There's fresh bread in the morning.
- Sounds good.

Before you go...
How about just watching?

- Would you be up for that?
- No, Lars.

You wouldn't have to do anything.
Just watch Tina and me.

Good night.

God, it's annoying.

It's impossible to fall asleep.

- Would it be rude to go home?
- Haven't you drunk too much?

- What about you?
- I've drunk too much.

Oh. I think they stopped.

Honestly..!

- How about a cup of tea?
- Yeah, alright.

God, how annoying.

Damn... What a howler.

Swinger..!

- Are you warm enough?
- Yes.

Can I have a bit?

You know that room
next to the bedroom...

How about making that into a nursery?

- Yes. That's a good idea.
- The light is really good in there.

If we get a little black boy
he's going to need some sun.

Yes.

- What a nice teapot.
- Thank you.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

- Knackered, are we?
- A bit. What's happened here?

Why have you unplugged this?
For God's sake..!

- Mia and I used the kettle.
- Why the hell did you unplug it?

- Frank was boiling some water.
- I was making tea for Mia.

It's just dough now.
It hasn't even risen.

- It's completely limp.
- Sorry about that.

- Shall we go home?
- Yes.

- I just need the Santa costume.
- Not a chance in hell.

If you don't want to share Mia
you're not sharing my Santa costume.

Those are the rules, Frank.

It's one thing being a swinger,
but not accepting a refusal...

- Were you tempted at any time?
- Maybe if she'd been really hot.

- Both couples have to be foul.
- Could you shag Tina Bilsbo?

- No. Not again.
- You've done Bilsbo?

- So you and Lars are hole brothers?
- Yes. So are you and I.

- What do you mean?
- Work it out yourself.

- You're having me on.
- No, I'm not.

By the way... We're going
to need that reference after all.

I don't trust Hjortsh?j now.
We're in the shit.

But you'd already chosen them.
I don't like being second choice.

Well, you were my first choice.
It was Mia who wanted Lars.

But she doesn't anymore.

Joen? Can I be Santa
at the Christmas party?

Yes. I haven't got hold
of Oscar Siesbye.

- Why do you want to be Santa?
- Right, come on. Lunge!

- Thanks for today.
- Yes. See you.

- I don't get that Santa thing.
- It's so they can see me with kids.

But you adopt because
you can't have children.

We got into this discussion
about the child's racial origin.

I happened to say that
I'd prefer a child from Africa.

- Would you?
- Yes. I prefer that to an Asian.

Come on. Look at Africa.
It's going all to hell.

Countries like Thailand and the
Philippines, they have drive.

You want a child that can help you.
Not pick your cotton field.

Well, I'd like to have a child
who is strong.

Asians can be really scrawny.
I don't want a kid who gets bullied.

- What's that scarf for?
- I need shining up.

You look like the ugly badger
from Pinchcliffe Grand Prix.

- Il Tempo Gigante is off!
- See you, guys.

Nice, brisk weather. We must have
been good, with all that sunshine.

We deserve to be approved.

And now to the grand finale :
You've been approved.

- Congratulations.
- That's wonderful, Anne.

I'm so happy for you.
Congratulations, Frank. Well done.

It's just wonderful.

- What's up, Mamma Mia?
- I'm so relieved now.

We might have a child for you.
But I have to follow procedures.

- Is it a boy or a girl?
- I'm not allowed to divulge that.

It's the silly rules, you know.
But we have a lovely child for you.

- Our child is in that folder?
- Yes, the one we have in mind.

It has to go through some committees,
but we're very close.

- So go out and celebrate.
- I'm close to tears.

- This calls for champagne, I think.
- Yes. You deserve that.

Oh, before I forget...
Just a moment.

- Eh, Pumpkin?
- I'm so happy.

But I would have liked to know
if it's a boy or a girl.

Yes. I don't get it.
It's just power tripping.

Where do you want to go?

- I can find out about the child.
- No, you can't.

I've got a little trick.
Hold on to this for a moment.

I just wanted to give you the
extended brochure for grandparents.

- I think I forgot my scarf.
- Again?

Well, you know the way.

A Chinese?

Honestly...

Oh...
A little boy from Rwanda.

What are you doing?
Frank!

- I was picking them up.
- Were you looking in my papers?

That's our boy, honey.

- He's from China.
- I better take that.

Frank, what have you done?
You've completely ballsed this up.

- It's because...
- No, Mia. I'm sorry.

These are not unspecified
sandwiches, you know.

Lars and Mette have waited for seven
years. Vera and S?ren, six years.

And then you put your sticky
fingers all over my desk. Get out!

- Are you still coming to the party?
- Don't count on it. Honestly!

Honey, honey...

You also wanted to know
if it was a boy or a girl.

Honey... Little Ding might not
have been the right one for us.

Next time, we'll go for a black boy.
One hundred percent.

- A girl.
- Yes, or a black girl.

- We'll go for a girl from Africa.
- I didn't see what Ding looked like.

I did. He didn't look too good,
I can tell you that.

He looked battered.
And frightened.

It's as if he doesn't
listen to me at all.

It's really humiliating.
He doesn't take me seriously...

- Hello.
- Hi there.

- I had a great time, Iben.
- Me too. Bye now.

What are you staring at?