Kitchen Confidential (2005–2006): Season 1, Episode 3 - Dinner Date with Death - full transcript

~~ [ Man Singing ]

~~ [ Continues ]

~~ [ Ends ]

[Jack Narrating ]
Any pro will tell you...

a popular restaurant presents
a special challenge for the head chef.

An efficient kitchen is essential.

We are totally slammed,
people, so let's get it done.

Come on!
Let's move it. Let's move it.

A wise chefknows he can get
the best out ofhis people...

with a kind word
and gentle encouragement.

Your ass isn't a hat, Steven.
So let's get your head out of it.



Okay. If my ears get cold,
it's on you.

It's very important
to be a positive role model.

Table seven's waiting.
Step it up, pastry bag.

Because after all,
you're the one setting the tone.

Watch where you're going, numb nuts.

Why don't you watch
where you're going, num-Aah.

Let me explain something to you,
Bambi. Crap rolls downhill...

which means you can only give static
to the people that are below you.

- Well, who's below me?
- Nobody.

- Dr. Goldfarb.
-Jack, spectacular as always.

Oh, thank you. Mrs. Goldfarb.

I'm in a loveless marriage.

[ Singsongy ] We're not doing that again.
Dessert's on me.

Are you sure? I know it's been
a long wait, but your table's ready now.



Tanya, what happened?
Why are they going?

Oh. They already ate.

- No, no, no!
- Excuse me.

[ Man ]
Have a nice evening.

- What are you doing?
- What you are doing, selling food.

No, no, no! This isn't food! This is
the parts of food that nobody else wants.

- We'll take two.
- Oh, I'm sorry. Can you just give us a moment?

Get off my sidewalk right now.

This is not your sidewalk.
This is everybody's sidewalk! Sauerkraut?

No, you don't want sauerkraut.

I've prepared a wonderful veal shank
tonight with caramelized onions.

- Sauerkraut.
- Soda?

They do not want soda, tiny man!

There's gotta be somebody
lower than me.

- No, you're mud.
- Cat vomit.

- Low man on the totem pole.
- I don't want to be the low man on the totem pole.

- Tough taco, flaco.
- [ Mimi ] I got an order off the menu.

[ Cooking Stops ]

We, uh, frown on orders
off the menu, lovely.

-Just a F.Y.I.
- Yeah.

He insisted I tell you he wants
coulibiac of salmon.

He wants to see if you can do it.

If I can do it?

Oh, sweetheart,
Food & Wine magazine said that-

- You can't, can you?
- That's not the point.

What kind of pompous, arrogant-

Hang on. Wait.

This guy- he was tall?
Was he intense?

- And when he stared at you, was it like-
- Your soul turns to ice?

Chef Gerard.

- Who's Chef Gerard?
- He was Jack's mentor at culinary school.

-Just a god among men.
- And a legendary hard-ass.

I heard he once killed a man
for using too much paprika.

Bourdain, this is crap!

You are crap!

I made two chefs like you
this morning in the toilet!

Mimi, tell Gerard
I'm not a trained poodle.

He can order off the menu
like everybody else.

You tell him. When I tried, he said he made
two waitresses like me in the toilet.

- What about waitresses? Can I smack waitresses?
- Yeah. That'll end well.

Screw him.
Seriously, screw him.

- Rude much?
- Get out!

He thinks he can still intimidate me?
He can't intimidate me.

I don't need to prove myself
to him anymore.

[ Sighs ]
Here's the old bastard's salmon.

Wait. Hold on.

Oh, for what it's worth, mate,
I thought you did a brilliant job.

Thanks.
You drinking vodka?

- Mmm,jealous?
- Yeah, a little.

Uh, I need a bowl.

Here you are, sir.

Sir.

Dishwashers.
Of course.

Hey, move it, ese.!

Whoa, whoa, dude, no, no, no.
Totally different totem pole.

So.

So.

- I think that this-
- I don't care!

- Excuse me?
- I don't care. I stopped by as a courtesy.

I've got a packed house.
I'm up to my nads in orders.

So, while I really do
appreciate your business...

I don't give a rosy rat's
rectum what you think.

I thought...
it was excellent.

Well, I was taught by the best!
Do you mind if I sit down?

Hi. Uh, Ramon?

Hey, uh, listen, I felt bad
about what happened.

So I brought you some, uh, flan.

Um, listen...

I know you're mad,
but I was just having some fun.

Oh.

Maybe I should have some fun too.

See? Ain't this fun?

Yeah, you know,
it's wearing a little thin, but-

- Look, I'm sorry.
- You are sorry.

- I'll make it up to you.
- You will make it up to me.

- That's what I said.
- That's what I said.

I'm just gonna go.
Yeah.

- You-You were such a tool back then.
- Oh, still am.

What can I say?
I love to make young chefs cry.

- Oh, uh, me too. [ Laughs ]
- [ Chuckles ]

These mussels, by the way,
are fantastic.

- How was the polenta?
- A little dry.

Right?
I am so firing somebody.

Jack, I've been going around visiting all
the restaurants of my former students...

looking for the perfect place
to celebrate.

- Celebrate what?
- My third and final quadruple bypass.

Wow, that's great.
You're gonna start living healthier.

Ah- [ Giggles ]
No.

Uh, I've, um, run out of veins.

- [ Shrieks ] Sorry.
- [ Shatters ]

[ Chuckles ]
I have to shower with my eyes closed.

My doctors keep telling me that if I continue
eating the way I have been, I am going to die...

which is why I'm here.

- One last hurrah?
- In a manner of speaking.

Jack, I would like a standing
reservation here every night.

Every night.

You're the greatest student
I ever trained.

And if I am going to die,
I want yours to be the food that kills me.

[ Sighs ]
I can't believe what I'm hearing.

- I'm your greatest student?
- [ Chuckles ]

[ Horns Honking ]

- Whoa. He wants you to kill him?
- No. He wants my food to kill him.

It's my father's restaurant. I don't think
he's gonna want a dead guy in there.

Are you kidding me? A master chef
lives out his final days on Nolita's cuisine?

That's a corpse made of gold, baby.

Fine, but I'm taking his credit card
at the beginning of the meal.

Jack,Jack, you want in on the pool?

- What pool?
- Chef Gerard-

pick the time of death
and the course that takes him out.

[ Laughs ]

I'll do 8:30, salad course.

- I got some ideas.
- [ Laughs ]

Now, am I the only one who thinks
it's kind of wrong to kill someone with food?

No.! I think it's wrong too.

I also... think killing is wrong.

- So why are you betting on it?
- To cope... with my grief.

8,000 calories!

All of them from fat!

Attaboy!

Why is that man's portion
so much bigger than ours?

Uh, there are special circumstances.

He's... eating himself to death.

Is that the same price?

And how was everything for you
this evening?

It was exquisite.
Please, tellJack he outdid himself.

- Okay.
- See you tomorrow night.

- Okay.
- [ Grunts ] Unless-

Wait.!
Here it comes.

- Who's got the 1 1 :45 cheese plate?
- Yo!

Congratulations,Jack. You did it.

- Thanks.
- Wait.

False alarm.
He's reaching for an antacid.

- It's okay. [ Exhales ]
- [ Sighs ]

- Bye.
- Bye. [ Mouths Words ]

- We'll get him next time.
- Yeah.

[Jack Narrating ]
You know what chefs hate?

Wasting our talents on people
who can't appreciate them.

I'd like the sauce on the side.

How many carbs are in that?

Uh, can I get that without butter?

Uh, yeah.
Let me ask my trainer.

But we love the people
who truly love food.

We will do anything to please them.

And to please my harshest critic?

Well, I would do more than anything.

There you go.
Have a nice evening. Thanks.

- Excuse me. Do you have a reservation?
- I need to use your restroom.

Oh, I'm sorry. The restrooms
are for paying customers only.

You... will regret this.

- [ All Gasping ]
- Oh, my God.

[ Zipper Zipping ]

Chorizo, my shoe's untied.

Please, not here.

Fine, but I'm not
double-knotting it.

[ Chuckles ]

[Jack ] Whoa.! Whoa, whoa.!
Hey, on your own time, fellas.!

Well, what crawled up
your bum and died?

- Nothing died in my bum, Steven.
- Ah.

And if you'll excuse me,
I have a man to kill.

- Feeling a little bit guilty, are we?
- Well, wouldn't you?

Nah, but I'm a sociopath.
Besides, this is an honor.

I know. I want to do it.
It's just that-

Let me show you this.
Come on.

He is on his fourth scotch.

She's having the triple
chocolate mousse cake.

He is with a prostitute.

Are you responsible for his hangover,
her thighs, his chlamydia?

Of course not!
We're just giving 'em what they want.

Why? Because we believe
in freedom in America...

and to a lesser extent, in Britain.

- Hot dogs?
- Technically, more of a German thing.

No. Hot dogs.

I'm on it.

- Shove off!
- You shove off!

Fine. Then maybe I'll call
the health inspector...

and tell him about
the cockroaches in your cart.

Then I'll call the fire marshal
and tell him about your over-capacity!

It would be such a shame if something
happened to your nice little umbrella.

It would be a shame if something
happened to your pretty window.

Do I have to go... here?

Do I have to go... here?

Give me two.

- Mustard?
- Surprise me.

Yeah, that's good.
You know where to put it.

Six sticks, eh?
I'll alert the coroner.

- He sent it back?
- And he's leaving.

Okay, nobody touch that!

- [ Clamoring ]
- Animals!

[ Panting ]
What the hell is going on?

Do you want me to embarrass you
in front of your patrons?

[ Scoffs ]
Do you really think I care about that?

Okay. What the hell's going on?

- Hello, gents. Don't mind me.
- All right,Jack. That meal was adequate...

but hardly heart-stopping.
You're holding back.

I put everything I had into that meal.
It's killing me killing you.

Oh, come on,Jack. What? You used
two tablespoons of butter at the most.

No! I-You can't know that?
How can you know that?

You always show such promise.
Then, in the end, you let me down.

You self-sabotage, you know that?
Just like back at school.

You talk this great game,
then you can't follow through...

which is why you'll always
be a disappointment.

No. Look, look, look.
I can do this.

I swear to you.
You're not gonna be sorry.

Tomorrow night, come in.
I will kill you dead.

All right.
One more chance.

I only need one.

[ Sighs ]

Oh,Jack, you've met Mrs. Goldfarb,
haven't you?

- Hello,Jack.
- Hey.

Hmm.

Hmm.

[ Chattering ]

We're looking for a cheese
that'll slay a man.

I want to make his heart
explode like a volcano.

- [ Steven ] Kill him dead.
- You have anything that rich, that creamy?

- Try this.
- [Jack ] That looks great.

Ah, British, like it.
I can't be sure...

but I think this is the one
that took down my granddad.

We'll take a wheel.

What?
What do you want now?

- Set me up with the hostess.
- Tanya?

No. She- No.
She is a nice girl.

Oh, she is a nice girl.

Oh, don't do that.

[ Sighs ]
I-I'm sorry. I gotta draw the line on this one.

She's sweet and good and nice,
and you're-

You're just-You're wrong for her.

- Right?
- I see.

[Jim ]
Yeah.

[ Screaming ]

He's funny and passionate.

And I mean, you can
tell he works out.

- I just think you guys would be great together.
- I'll think about it.

There. Good as new.

[ Sighs ]
Thanks, Tanya.

- Hey, Mimi.
- Oh, that's just wrong.

That'd kill off a triathlete, mate.
Nice work.

- Thank you.
- I should've gone with the entree.

Well, well. I like this.

Do more.

What? What are you talking about?

Hey, what the hell's
going on here, Ramon?

Guys, get back to work.

Do more?

- Listen,Jack. I just want to thank you.
-Jim, don't worry about-

- That was-
- Ooh!

- What?
- What?

-Just tell me.
- How did that- Nothing.

How did I what? No, no, tell me.
Why don't-Why aren't you looking at me?

- What are you talking about,Jim?
- You're not looking at me!

- Get back to work.
- Is it really that bad? I thought it was kinda subtle.

Guys, what's your problem?
You letJim become a dishwasher's bitch!

Yeah, but in our defense,
it was hysterically funny.

Funny? You think it's funny to let
one of our colleagues lose his eyebrows?

- [ Snorts ]
- [ Chuckles Quietly ]

Shh, shh, shh, shh.
It's not- Doesn't make it right.

- He brought it on himself.
- He's right.

Junior's always doing
stupid stuff like this.

You can't save a man from himself.
You are not your brother's keeper.

Jiminy!

Yes, I am.
Steven, fix it.

- Seth, fix it.
- He told you to fix it.

I'm delegating.
Crap rolls downhill.

- What is this supposed to be?
- Dinner.

No. This is rabbit food.

Why don't you go
and feed it to a rabbit?

And then stuff the rabbit with bacon
and deep-fry it? That would be dinner.

Listen. Gerard, I can't let you do this.

I'm sorry. What do you mean?

What business is it of yours?

Because I've been through
exactly what you're going through.

[Jack Narrating ]
So, I laid it all out.

I told him how close I came
to destroying myself.

And I told him about the woman who saved me,
even though I thought I was beyond saving.

And because of her,
I've been sober over a year now.

And you thanked this woman?

Maybe-Maybe I didn't tell it right.

That miserable little worm
insulted my manhood.

Yeah, a week ago.

You mean to say that you care so much about
what that lousy piece of dung thinks that-

I'm standing right here.

that you haven't
gotten over it in a week?

No.

Fine.
Let's talk terms.

I want to buy him.

I'm listening.

Denial, abstinence, self-restraint.

Oh, wonderful life
you're offering me,Jack.

- I'm trying to help you.
- No.

You're merely trying to
justify your own cowardice.

But I refuse to live in your pathetic little
world of lukewarm water and bubble wrap.

- I live life on my own terms.
- And I don't?

Is that club soda you're drinking?

With lime.

This is a 1 982
Chateau Lafite-Rothschild.

The finest Bordeaux
the world has seen in a century.

Join me.

A hot dog?
I'm worth more than a hot dog.

- Supply and demand, buddy.
- [ Sighs ]

Now, I want you to pick up
my dry cleaning, feed my goldfish-

But- But- ButJack said that
I shouldn't be anyone's... bitch.

No, no, no.Jack said you shouldn't
be a dishwasher's bitch.

I am a chef.
[ Laughs ]

I thought you were stronger than this.
I thought you were like me.

[ Chortles ]
This is insane.

- Gerard, you really need to reconsider.
- No.

You really need to reconsider.

You act as if there is some virtue
in living a long, flavorless life.

My excesses will kill me,
but they have made my life worth living.

The choice is clear,Jack.
What? Fifty more years of that?

Or one more moment of this?

~~ [ Slow Rock ]

You're a chef,Jack.
You, of all people, should understand.

~~ [ Continues ]

[ Gagging, Groaning ]

~~ [ Rock Continues ]

[Jack Narrating ] The truth is you can't save
other people from their own temptations.

The best you can do
is try and save yourself...

and whatever dogs you got left
in your cart.

Listen,Jack.
I just want to thank you.

-Jim, you gotta be-
- What?

- No, nothing.
- How did I-What? No, no, no.

Finish what you were gonna say.

- No, no.Just tell me.
- What? What? What?

What? What?

- Why won't you look at me?
- Why are you looking at me?

- No. Why don't you want to look at me?
- I'm looking right at you.

- You're not looking at me.
-Jim, you have a complex.

I'm looking-Jim, I'm looking right at you.
I'm looking right at you.

Jim,just get back to work.
[ Chuckles Nervously ]

- [ Sighs ]
- That looks divine.