Kitchen Confidential (2005–2006): Season 1, Episode 4 - French Fight - full transcript

Jack was eager to offer his new neighbor's restaurant chef, Michel Valentine, a customary free feast and vice versa. However, he goes berserk when he finds Michel copied his rack of lamb, and starts a culinary war by stealing his divine bread cook, creepy Adam. Mimi supposedly stays above the boys' childish games, to spare Nolita further risk. In fact Mimi is instantly seduced by irresistible stud Michel Valentine, who proves a formidable lover for her. Michel is also a mighty adversary for Jack's team, which is outclassed until they desert the daunting duel one by one. Ultimately only rookie Jim, who is against such vendetta in principle, proves his unconditional loyalty.

## [Man Singing]

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[Jack Narrating] You'd think there?s
a million restaurants in New York City...

but it's actually
a very small world...

and the people in the top kitchens-
well, we all know each other.

How do you French guys
get all the women?

I mean, granted you?re all very pretty...

but you have this attitude,
and you don't bathe.

No, no, no. We bathe.
We bathe in love.

We bathe in wine.
No. I'm joking. We don't bathe.

Oh, Jack, this rack of lamb-
It is amazing.

- Oh, please, don't-
- Hey, it is amazing, okay?

Huh? And the ratatouille,
the curry emulsion- It is brilliant.

- What gives it the sweetness?
- No, no, no.

- Allez.
- Vanilla.

- No.
- Yeah.

- Get out.
- I can't. I work here.

- Chef, can I borrow you?
- We're just in the middle of something here.

Jack, you must not
make your girlfriend wait.

- Oh, Michel, no, no, no.
- No, no, no. We wouldn't-

- She wants to, but I'm not interested-
- Not at all.

Ever. Excuse us.

Of course.
[Speaks French, Whistles]

- What?
- You just comped five entr?es.

But they're the chefs from Maison Valentin
from across the street.

You gotta comp 'em.
It's customary. We're a band of brothers.

We could be brothers.
Don't we look alike- The same gait?

- It's like we worked together.
-Jack, they don't pay, I don't get tipped.

- What, do you think I'm made of money?
- Yes. Money and bitterness.

Who wants dessert?

- We've got a beautiful-

And I thought I was jealous of this rack.

Oh, no, no, no.
You don't wanna go there.

To tame that attitude,
you need a whip and a wooden chair.

- You know what I mean?
- Roget, go to my office and get me two things.

- [Both Laughing]
- [Jack Narrating] If a chef visits my restaurant...

and pays me a compliment,
I return the gesture.

We're a community.
We all want everyone to do well-

as long as we do better.

Wicker baskets-bush league.

And they?re serving everything with fris?e-
the awkward lettuce.

It's like eating somebody's Afro.

Guys, guys, come on.
We're guests at this establishment.

- This place blows.
- [All Snickering]

Wait! There's something
happening in my mouth.

My God, eat this now!

Oh, my God.

- Bloody hell.
- Damn.

- What is this?
-Just the best bread ever made.

I should bring some back for Tanya.

Yeah, because that'll give her the energy
to go out and boff some other guy.

We need to find the guy
that made this bread.

We got- This bread is-

Welcome to Maison Valentin.
I am your waitress, Babette.

Yes, you are. Hello, lovely.

Uh, tell me, as a French person...

- how do you feel about
being temporarily occupied?
- [Chuckles]


Bread guy?

You down here? Hello?

Listen. Fellow baker here,
and I just wanted to tell you how great-

- [Screams]
- Don't scream.


Babette, what would you
recommend on the menu?

We have a brand-new item on our menu.

It's a rack of lamb with ratatouille
and a curry emulsion.

- Huh?
- I said it's a rack of lamb with-

Ratatouille and a curry emulsion.

Yeah, I heard you.

I welcome him into my home,
I feed him, and he does what?

- Steals your dish.
- Aren't you glad you didn't charge him?

I mean, hey, hey, business is business.
It's kill or be killed.

But at least stab me
in the chest, not the back.

How does this guy even walk around
with stones that big?

It won't be a long-term problem
for him, don't you worry.

Hey, hey, hey. That is not for castrating.

Try this. It should get you
most of the way there.

- [Chuckling]
- I mean, the only thing this
hack's got going for him...

- is good bread and our dish.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, but it's gotta be kind of flattering, right?
He must really like the dish.

Hey, Jim, why don't you go
sit in the storage room...

and come out when you're
not a rip-roaring idiot, okay?

"Diggety-dang" it.


It's time to beat a frog with a stick.

Nope! No.

I am not letting you drag
my father's restaurant into the muck.

So what are we supposed to do,
just bend over?

No. I will talk to Michel.
This is a business situation.

It needs to be resolved
in a rational manner.

And the co-opting
of our menu items...

technically constitutes
tortious interference with contract.

Mmm. I-I'm sorry.
I was focusing on your breasts.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

Okay. Please continue.

Oh, my God. You are the biggest pig.

You are right. I apologize.

It is just that I feel
so nervous around you.

You are so- so fiery and strong,
and with so much spirit.

- And again, the breasts.
- [Mouths Word]

It's been, like, two hours.
Where have you been?

God. It smells wonderful in here.

Are we using fresher garlic?

Oh, my God.

You-You slept with him.

- I did. I totally slept with him.
- [Laughing]

- How could you?
- I know.

I don't do that. But I did do it.

Part of me wants to do it again.

Part of me did do it again. Aah!

So, it's official. We're at war.

We're at war? What do you mean,
we're at war? We're chefs.

- They attacked us- Twice.
- They poked our head waitress.

- Yeah, but didn't she enjoy it?
- That is not the point.

If he's willing to have sex with Mimi,
there is no telling how low he will go.

We sent Mimi on a diplomatic mission...

and he sent her back
sullied and defiled.

And satisfied.

- Jim?
- Yeah?

Go to your idiot hole.

- I'm so stupid!
- All right, let's talk counterstrike.

We've been given a credible excuse
to beat the snot out of the French...

- so let's not delay, huh?
- No, they can keep their snot.

What we need to do is, we need to grab
the beating heart out of their restaurant.

And you know what we're gonna do?
We're gonna show it to them.


Gentlemen? This is Adam.

He's our new bread guy.

You might recognize him from Maison
Valentin, where he no longer works.

Because- What? Yeah.
Oh, my God.

- I stole him!
- [Laughing]

- Boom!
- Yeah!

I am separate from you.

My space will be respected.

T en to one says that guy
has a necklace made of ears.

Nolita is at war, so I want you-

yes, all of you- to be on your toes.

Expect the usual "prankery"-
Large pizza deliveries, bogus phone orders.

So that's five dozen lobsters
for Ivana Tinkle?

Be alert, and if something
sounds suspicious-

- And the name on the buzzer is Phil McCracken?
- Then it probably is.

Where have you been?

Oh, I-I had a, uh,
doctor's appointment...

for this thing with my toe.

I may have, uh...

"frangilitis," which is a disease of the toe.

- You did it again.
- I did it again.

Has it occurred to you
that he's using you to get to me?

Oh, has it occurred to you
that he thinks I'm hot?

You're endangering us,
and it cannot continue.

- Are you forbidding me?
- Yes.

Wow. That's hot.

I didn't think the sex
could get any hotter, but it just did.

You "plussed" it.


Summon the freak.
We need more bread.


Hey, you know what I love even more
than happy patrons eating our food?

- Knowing that Michel's patrons
are miserable right now.
- Miserable!

- Huh? [Laughs]
- [Phone Rings]


Right now? Okay.

Gimme five.

So you have taken my baker?

I have taken your baker.

I am a baker taker.

And you don't think
it was a little bit excessive?

"Excessive"? You raided my menu.

Why are you so threatened by me, huh?

Is it because maybe you see in me
what you hate in yourself?

No, I don't have an annoying,
filthy Frenchman in me. No.

Everybody's got an annoying,
filthy Frenchman in them, Jack.

- Ask your girlfriend.
- She's not my-

Take the lamb off your menu.

- Return my creepy baker, then we'll talk.
- [Laughs]

You want me to- No.

Okay, then I guess it is,
how you say, "on."


Mon ami-

[With French Accent]
It is totally- How you say? On.

- It is on.
- Yes, I said that.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Your cuisine is caca!

- Yeah?

- I think there's something
wrong with the computer here.
- Really?

Yeah. I got orders
for 1 0 toilet burgers...

uh, a monkey nipple salad...

uh, two fart cakes-

I'm sorry. Three fart cakes.

And a fish penis in moose rectum lasagna
with super butt cheese.

- And pineapple salsa.
- We've been hacked.

Mrs. Tinkle is here and demands
to know where her lobsters are.

Apparently, this happens to her a lot.

- [Staff Chattering]
- [Jack Narrating] In the 2 1st century...

restaurants do everything on computer-

orders, reservations,
payments, all of it.

If the system crashes, you better
know how to work around it.

- Wait. Cameron.
- What?

I can't read this. What's a-
What's a "rod sniffer"?

- Red snapper.
- Okay.

New rule, "waitrons."
If I can't read it, I don't make it.

Let's get it together.
Table one, what are you gonna have?

Our computers are down...

so we're gonna have to do this old-school.

[Man Groans]

This is where you put the tip.

I'm sorry, everyone.
Our computers are down.

- But, from memory, it's "awkward first date"-
- Huh?

- "Icky guy with a mistress,"
"couple about to break up"-
- [Woman] What?

- Then "girls' night out." Whoo!
- Whoo!

So it appears that Michel
is slightly more capable than I assumed.

"Slightly"? He brought us to our knees
with a keyboard and a mouse.

Okay? That is a sad
and freaky situation, my friends.

What do you want us to do? Just cave in?

Huh? Let him win?

- That sounds good. Yeah.
- Where's your sense of honor?

- My sense- My sense of honor?
- Yes!

Jack, we don't do this for the honor.

We do it for food, money and sex.

We screw up the first one,
the other two vanish, man. They vanish!

That terrifies me.

I am out of this war.

All right, yeah.
That's right, just walk away.

Just walk on by, "Christopher Walkin'."

Don't mind him. His breasts just
get tender this time of the month.

Off to see your boyfriend?

- Ooh. Al most sounds like you're jealous.
- Oh, yeah, that must be it.

Or am I just upset that
you're tanking Daddy's restaurant...

so you can play "bury the baguette"?

Listen- not that I owe this to you-

but I hate him for what he did to us.
It is so over with him. Over.

I'm so-so-so bad for doing this.


- Save the guilt for after.
- [Moans]

My boyfriend is sleeping
with your girlfriend.

Mimi? She's not my girlfriend.

This conversation tires me.

We should be having
intercourse by now.

Oh, uh-

Hey. I think Adam's phoning it in.

Yeah. Look at that. I want you
to go down in the dungeon.

- I want you to lean on him.
- Lean on him? Jack!

Have you seen him? You lean.

Well, technically,
he answers to you, so-

Jack, I am terrified of that golem.

I have to drink just so I can
come here and look at him.

I am drunk right now.

Seth, I'm not asking, I'm telling.

Ramon! Who wants to make $1 0?

- Wuss.
- Yes.

Gentlemen! Game, set, match-

- Nolita. Huh?
- [Cheers, Applause]

You magnificent bastard.
What did you do?

Oh, my God. Is that a robot heart?

Tanya, my love, this
is a Freon compressor...

that used to belong
to Michel's refrigerator...

until I removed it at 3:00 a.m.,
destroying a week's worth of food.

I tried to get it stuffed
and mounted, but no joy.

- [Laughing]
- You are awesome.

Uh, you are bad, bad, bad.

Did you leave a calling card
letting them know it was us?

- [Steven] Let's just say I left a mark.
- [Zipper Unzips]

Doesn't this just make them
do something worse to us?

That's exactly what it does.

Because you know what
Jack Bourdain likes to do? Escalate.

Okay. [Chuckles]
Teddy, that's enough.

"Enough"? Oh, enough.
Look who's dropping the "E" word.

Since when have you
ever had enough, Jack?

You're an addict, except this time...

instead of booze and drugs, it's conflict.

Did you work on that speech
with your therapist?

- We polished it together, yes.
- Mmm.

- It was meant for my father,
but it also applies to you.
- Really?

- You don't know when to stop.
- And you're crazy.

- Am I?
- I know exactly when to stop- When he stops.

When he's finished, I'm finished.

Ahh! I am finished.

Ooh. Finally.

I gotta get ready for dinner service.
How about you?

Somebody stole our Freon compressor.

Actually, we will be dark tonight.

- Also, the carpet smells of pee-pee.
- Huh.

9:00 p.m., and no sign of Michel.

It's official surrender, guys.

I've gotta say, up until this point
I didn't actually believe he was French.

- Huh?
- Huh?

Hey, Teddy, see this?
This is me stopping.

Okay, I'm not a slave to the impulses,
not a slave to the appetites.

A man of reason.
A man of peace.

- [Jim] Oh, dog fondler.
- What the-

- That sodding Frenchman.
- That son of a bitch. I'll kill him!

Wow. Complete catastrophe. What a surprise.

- Jim, get your hand off his arm.
- Somebody pinch me.

- [Teddy] Ow! Damn it, Jim!
- What?

Guys? I'm really scared. Could somebody hold me?

- [Seth] Tanya, I'm here, baby.
- [Steven] This might have been my fault.

- Oh, Tanya.
- Okay, does that feel like Tanya to you?

How would he know what Tanya feels like?

That is hurtful.
It is dark, and you are being hurtful.

Okay, the gas still works, which means- Ha, ha!
We're still in business.

Jim, why don't you go get some candles?
Teddy, stay pretty.

Seth, go get Adam.
Let's make some bread.


Adam, are you down there?


- [Clattering]
- Oh, my knee.


It's, uh, Seth Richman-

Your supervisor.

All right. Nice save tonight.

- Now it's time to deliver the death blow.
-Jack, it's over.

- What?
- Look around you. We're plotting by candlelight.

They've plunged us
into a Merchant Ivory film.

- I bloody hate those films.
- What are you saying?

I'm saying it's gotten
way too hard core, even for me.

Do your own dirty work.

- Well, I don't need your help.
- Good!

- I can fight my own battles.
- Good!

- Yeah. I'm a one-man army.
- Good!

All right, Jim, it's down to you.

- Yeah. Can I be honest with you?
- I'd prefer it if you weren't.

I have objected to everything that
you and Michel have done to each other.

I was raised to believe that it is immoral
to knowingly harm someone else...

but above all, I believe in loyalty...

so if you see fit to ask me...

to do something that totally
goes against my principles-

Cool. Here's a sackful of rats.
You know what to do with them.

- A sackful of- Oh, no! [Groans]
- [Squeaking]

My shallots aren't prepped.
Where's Jiminy Cricket?

Doing what you wusses
were too scared to do-

- Finish off Michel.
- Oh, isn't that Mimi's job?

- What's your problem?
- [Teddy] Guys, come quick.

- Oh, my God.
- Bloody hell.

- [Muffled] Jack.
- Yeah?

- What? Oh.
- Take it off.

- Yeah, what is it, Jim?
- Can you help me get the sardines out?

- There were Frenchmen everywhere.
- Well, it's a French restaurant.

All over me.
And they were all smoking.

- Yeah. They do that.
- And then suddenly there was...

fish and ice-

And oh, my God, I smell bad.

No, no. It's- It's fine.

I'm sorry, Chef. I tried.

No! I'm sorry.

I let my ego and my passion
just get the better of me.

- And you got hurt. And for what?
- I don't know.

Well, he stole my lamb.

I mean, who does that? You gotta be-

You really gotta- You gotta be
screwed up in the head to do that.

I mean, you gotta be really sick if you-
[Clears Throat]

The point is, is that I went too far.

Teddy's therapist was right. It's over.


- I'm gonna let you sleep it off.
- Okay.

- All right?
- Yeah.

Oh, by the way.
Y-You got rid of the bag of rats, right?

Yeah. I got mugged
on the way over there.

You have gone too far this time, Michel.
Jim is an innocent kid.

You and I are completely over.
Do you get that?

Mimi, are you wearing a thong?

- Yes.
- Is it the color we spoke of?

Michel, I am not having sex
with you on my father's business phone.

I'll be there in a minute.


- [Chattering]
- Mince this, froggy.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What the hell are you guys doing?

- We're preparing a little gift for Michel.
- The gift of pain.

No, no, no. It's over. Okay?
You see what they did to Jim?

Yeah. That's the point, man.

We were against this when it was
about your ego. Now they've harmed Jim.

Jim is our friend.
We decide what harm comes to him.

Guys, I appreciate this.
Ramon, don't worry. Jim's gonna be fine.

- Okay? And we have a restaurant to run.
- Guys? Guys.

Hey, it's- It's okay.

- You don't have to avenge me.
- Oh, yes, we do.

No, really, you don't.

I think I took care of it.

No. No, no, no, no.
Michel, I- This is wrong.

- I have to take a stand.
- Oh, yes. Standing is good.

- Come. I'll take you against the door.
- Michel, no.

You hurt my friend, you've hurt my
father's business, and what have I done?

I've rewarded you
with meaningless sex. It ends now.

No. No, no, no.
Mimi, please. Look-

Look, I am calling off
this whole feud, okay?

The truth is, I have fallen for you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Oh, Michel, I think I'm falling for you too.

I mean, at first it was purely physical-

- You know-
- This is my mother's ring.

- [Moans]
- I.N.S.! Put your hands where I can see 'em!

What? No! No.
He was going for the ring.

- Michel Valentin, you're under arrest.
- [Men Shouting]

No. No arrest.
We were having a conversation!


[Chattering, Laughing]

- You deported my boyfriend?
- I'm sorry. Deported what now?

- They're sending him back to France.
- He's got a visa.

Come on. We don't
deport people with visas.

Yeah, we do, if they commit tax fraud.


- I did not know about the tax fraud.
- I can't believe you did this.

I mean, this is a man's life.

I'm a horrible man.
I'm-I'm capable of great cruelty.

And that's what's gonna
make you a great chef someday.


[Jack Narrating]
Like nature, the restaurant business is brutal.

If you can fight, steal and kill,
you'll live for a while.

But like nature...

a restaurant can only survive
in the long term by bearing fruit-

great meals.

And if you can?t serve one...

sooner or later you die out.

And try not to cheat on your taxes.

He did take the lamb off the menu.



Well, Jack, I must congratulate you...

on my imprisonment
and my upcoming deportation.


This went way farther
than I meant it to.

No, no, no. Maybe I deserve
to have my life destroyed.

After all, I did make a meat dish
in the same manner as you, huh?

[Chuckles] Hey, you know what?
You look great in that suit.

- I hope you enjoy it for the rest of your life.
- I will get my revenge.

Yeah? Oh, I don't think so.

But good luck.

Did you- Did you glue my hand
to the phone?

Oui. Oh, but not before
I had the guard-

How you say?
[Blows Raspberries] Hog it down.

Hey, what does that mean? Guard?

What does that mean, "Hog it down"?
I don't understand.

Will you speak English?
What does that mean?