Kings of Con (2016–2017): Season 1, Episode 7 - Littleton, CO - full transcript

It's Halloween and Rich and Rob, donning oddly revealing costumes, mistake a fellow actor's erectile dysfunction pills for ibuprofen.

- Nice.
- Hmm.

- Whoa.
- Nice dragon.

Who is ready to party?

- Yeah!
- Hey!

Who's ready to throw down a jam?

Come on, guys. Really?

You know, I gotta say, people,
you really phoned it in.

Osric is the only
guy who's in costume.

I'm not in a costume.

You're wearing a
dress and a fruit hat.

You're so old.

The point is guys,
it's All Hallow's Eve.

We need tricks, we need treats,
we need ghosts and goblins.

I got spirits.

And that's why I love you.

I need an aspirin.

Yeah, Robbie and I have nipping
at the sauce since seven.

- Gracias.
- Like two hours ago.

AM, Junior.

Have you been to this amazing
brasserie at the end of the street?

They serve the most
spectacular peach mimosas.

They're aphrodisiac, you know?

Everything's an
aphrodisiac to you, Serge.

No, no, it's true,
it's true. Ask him.

- This is an ex-boyfriend?
- No, no, this is Timothy,

He's an aphrodisiasticist.

You people are killing me.

It's the annual
Hallow-freaking-ween karaoke party,

yet nobody thought it'd be
a good idea to dress up?

Nice. Well, you know
what? Rest easy.

Because Daddy, once again,
has everything under control.

That's right, a professional makeup
artist is on the way as we speak.

Oh, she sounds hot.

I didn't say she was a she.

You just did.

Did you know makeup artists
have the best bottoms?

It's true. You know, ask him.

- Timothy?
- No, no, no, that's Leon.

He looked a lot like Timothy.

No, no, no, Leon is the premiere
makeup artist for bottom models.

- Huh.
- Uh, Osric,

why are you going through to
Justin and Jaden's fan gifts?

All that's for them?

Why do they always have all
the gifts and I have nothing?

Justin and Jaden are
the stars of the show

and your character died
like four seasons ago.

- Too soon?
- I hate to say this,

but Rich is right.

It's Halloween karaoke.

All the fans are gonna
be dressed up, you know.

Maybe there's something in here
that we can throw on as costumes.

- Oh.
- Or not...

Oh, nice stitching.
I'll take them.

- Dibs.
- Ta-da!

- Uh huh.
- Oh.

Wow, that's snug!

Uh, you're darn tootin' it's
snug. It's my actual costume.

Sue, I have eyes.

This is my actual costume
from "Camp Headache,"

a movie I did when I was
14 with Jim J. Bullock.

Jim J. Bullock, gosh!

I was 14 and making a movie.

What were you jerks
doing when you were 14?

I started a non-profit that
worked with restaurants

to have leftover food
delivered to the homeless.

That was the summer
when I had that affair

with the Nestlé heiress
on the Amalfi coast.

- It was the first..
- Time you had sex?

With an octogenarian, yes.

Speaking of "Camp Headache"...

Are you all right? I've got some
pain reliever in my Ferragamo.

- Oh, you do?
- Yeah. Over there.

Oh, great. Thanks.

No, no, no, not the Ann
Demeulemeester, the Ferragamo.

No, no, not the Costume
National, no, no.

No, that's the Van Cleef & Arpels.
It's... yes, that one there.

The zipper pocket in the
front. The red pills.

- Cool.
- Hey, um,

bring me a couple
of those bad boys.


- You have a headache too?
- Nope.

I'm attacking the headache I know
I will get when I drink too much

which is my game plan.

- Smart.
- Thank you.

I'm looking for Rich.


- Hi!
- Rebecca!

Everybody, this is Rebecca!

Hello, Rebecca.

She and I did an indie film
many, many, moons ago in Denver.

Anybody see "Danger Fish?"

- It wasn't very...
- Great film, important film.

Which one of you lame-os is
ready to get your zombie on?

- Where should we set up?
- You know what?

Let's do in... We're gonna
go to Justin and Jaden's room

cause they're not here
till Sunday, okay.

All right, everybody.
Prepare to get zombiefied!

Best bottoms. Told you.

- Yeah.
- Thanks for doing this.

- Mm-hmm.
- It's awesome.

You look great by the way.


May I say, the nose
ring suits you.

Well, it fucking pierced my
cartilage so it'd better.

You know, I bet that's
something our Founding Fathers

never thought they'd hear.

"She's a woman of sound morals,

with healthy birthing hips and nasal
piercings which are quite fetching."

- You have not changed a bit.
- Hmm.

You really think
they're healthy?

- What?
- My birthing hips?

Oh, boysie.

Rob. I'm clocking out for the
night. Do you need anything else?

No, I guess not. Here, can you
take my clothes to my room?

- Room key. Clothes.
- Yeah.


Oh, Christ.


Rob, your bottom
looks great, man.

Where have you been hiding that?

Something wrong
with these pants.

They're way too tight.

Nonsense, they look great.

Aah! The zipper
zips the wrong way.

Women's pants zip
the opposite way.

Oh, shit. These
are Marney's pants.

I grabbed my ex-wife's pants.

Where's Beth?

She took your clothes upstairs...
like you asked her to.

Does anybody have spare pants?

Go pantless.

I can't go pantsless.

It's crazy.

Oh, dear.

Okay, so I think we'll do just a
little more necrotic flesh here...

- Sounds good.
- Little bit more adhesive.

Is that?

- I...
- Do you...

I... I don't... I didn't...

You've got a boner?

- Uh, Serge?
- Yeah?

What were in those
pills that you gave us?


- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I'm sure.

Let me see.

Oh, merde, you took the wrong
ones. I said to take the red ones.

- I took the red ones.
- No, no, you took the burgundy ones.

- That's the same thing.
- No, it's not the same.

The red ones are painkillers,
the burgundy ones are Stay-Bone.

Hello! "Stay-Bone"?

Serge, you need
erectile assistance?

Well, I don't know.

Ask him.

- Let me guess, your urologist?
- No, William and I, we're lovers.

Hello, William.

You need to leave.

- Rich?
- What?

- We didn't take ibuprofen.
- What?

- We took Stay-Bone!
- Ah!

You guys popped hard-on
pills before a karaoke show?

Is that something you do?

- Not usually.
- It was an accident.

- Why didn't it affect you?
- It affected me.

It's affecting me right now.

Oh, come on, you can tell.

Oh, my God, it's completely
coming out of your pants.

- Who, me?
- No, you're good.

I can't help it.

- You sickos...
- Oh, my God.

- Get out of here.
- Okay.

Okay, but the door is...
We're just gonna go right...

- Ah, okay, Rich, this way.
- Okay.

- Where do we go, Rich?
- I don't know, just go!

Now, what do we do?

We gotta wait for these
drugs to wear off.

That can take seven to ten hours
depending on body mass and alcohol intake.

- Or so I've read.
- Ah.


It's Rob and Zombie Rich!

- Shit.
- Hey, hey, guys, can we get a selfie?


Wait, wait!

It's for my grandma.
She's a nun.

- Fuck.
- Oh, Fuck. Fuck!

- What are we gonna do now?
- Well, we slip in through the back door.

We can't go in there,
it's the eye of the storm.

I know it's gonna be tight
but if we penetrate quickly

no one's gonna see us coming.

Are you talking like
that on purpose?

I don't know, your schvantz
is throwing me off.

We gotta hurry, the
cock is ticking.

- What?
- Clock, clock!

There they are!

- Ah!
- Ah! Shit!

Hey, everybody.
It's Rich and Rob.

Hey, can I get a selfie?

There you are.
Rich, nice penis.

Rob, are you immune?

No, I am uncomfortably engorged
right now, thank you very much.

Hey, Serge, you gotta help us.

There are hundreds of people out
there expecting a karaoke party.

- What do we do?
- Je ne sais pas, moi.

- Huh?
- You know, Rob,

I can think of one way
to deflate that balloon.


Ah ha!

Who's ready to karaoke?

- This guy!
- Whoo!

All right, all right.

- Uh huh, uh huh.
- Whoo!

That is not remotely
what I meant.

Okay, boys. Let's do
this. What? What? What?

Rob did the clown-faced
crotch bit, too?

Shit. Back to the gift bag.


My people, here we go!

I say "hey,"
you say "ho."

- Hey!
- Ho!

I say "hallo,"
you say "ween."

- Hallo!
- Ween!

I say "Rob,"
you say "and Rich."

- Rob!
- And Rich!

I say "clown,"
you say "dragon."

- Clown!
- Dragon!

- Yeah!
- Woo!

Well done, people.