Kings of Con (2016–2017): Season 1, Episode 8 - Plano, TX - full transcript

Hello, Plano. We
at the right hotel?

Robert, we've finally
arrived. Flowers in the lobby?

Suits on the staff.

My man. This is it.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Gentlemen.

- I like it.
- This place has class.

Hi. I'm checking in.

Last name Jiblowme.

First name?

- Haywood.
- Bingo.



Ooh. They have a spa.

What? Spa-ching.

Now you're spa-alking?

Okay, Mr. Jiblowme. I'm just gonna
need a credit card for incidentals.

Try this one.
It's spa-ctacular.

I wonder if they can
do a spa... shit!

Spa shit? What's a...

Lyle.

What's he doing here?

Well, he is co-owner of the
convention company, so...

Yeah, but he never
comes to cons.

Well, he does when it's
renegotiating season.

- That starts now?
- Yeah.

- No, no, no, no, no.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.



No, I can't do face-to-face,
I get all panicky.

Why doesn't he just call my
agent like everybody else?

Who else calls your agent?

- In theory, I mean.
- You know what?

Maybe this is the universe telling
you that it's time to grow a pair

and go get that raise you're
always bitching about.

Tell the universe to suck it.

It's not about the cash,
Rich. It's about respect.

I deserve a bump in respect.

Or maybe just a raise.

Hello?

Still here.

Uh, your credit card
says Richard Slate.

Yes, because that's my name.

- Haywood Jiblowme is an alias.
- You don't say.

You see, uh, my buddy and I,

we are actors from television

and if our actual
identities leaked out

and the media and the fans
knew we were staying here...

it would be chaos.

Right...

I see it now. Got it.

Thank you.

- Sir.
- Yeah?

You ready to check in?

Uh, I am ready to check in, yes.

- Name?
- McCrotch.

Pat McCrotch.

I don't... I don't know.

- Did...
- Well...

- I think we're on the wrong floor.
- Maybe we're in the wrong wing?

I don't know.

Oh, my God! Richard!

Uh, I don't believe
I've had the pleasure.

I'm Mary Helen, all
the way from Dallas.

Uh, isn't that like
15 minutes away?

Rob, you old ham.

You two are my favorites,

but especially you, Rich.

Sexy little rat.

Thank you.

Oh, you two just have to
come to my party tonight.

It's a birthday party.

I'll have drinks a-flowing
and music a-playing.

- Okay. Thank you, but we have a thing.
- And I just know you'll love

my special pie.

You know, I do have a
bit of a sweet tooth.

Okay. Rich, our
rooms are awaiting.

Okay, you come right
back here to my suite.

8:00 PM sharp.

A suite, huh?

That's sweet.

Ahh.

I can't believe you guys are
actually going to this thing.

I can't believe you're being
Captain Lame-o of the SS Suckball

- and not going.
- She offered you pie

and you immediately took
it as something dirty.

Well, you heard how she
said it. It was dirty.

All right, fine. Whatever.

I just, I'm just not in
the headspace for it, dude.

I need to go to the spa and just
try not to think about Lyle.

Lyle? Oh, you
mean the boss man.

See, I call him the boss man,

because he's the boss and a man.

Oh.

I always wondered.

Well, you guys have fun

and tell Mary Helen
sorry I'm not a-coming.

Oh, you'll be a-coming.

I'm just going to the steam
room. Maybe getting a massage.

Exactly. And we all
know how those end.

Lavender eye pillow?

We're talking full release, Joe.

Of muscle tension?

- Okay.
- Thank God. Saved by the bell.

This is my ride. See
you on the other side.

Make her wear a glove.

Sayonara, mon compadre.

Gee, my grandma wouldn't
be too proud of me,

showing up to a party
empty-handed like this.

Should we grab a six-pack of RC?

Okay, just do me a solid, okay?

Tonight, just for
once, let's dial back

the whole "gee
willikers" bit, okay?

People haven't talked
like that since the 1950s.

- Ah, shucks. Really?
- Okay, let's dial it back even further.

- Right.
- Right.

Hello.

Lyle Blazer, nice
to see you again.

Lyle, yeah. Likewise.

It's a little steamy in here.

It's making me lightheaded.

I think I need some fresh air.

You're supposed to
feel lightheaded, Rob.

That's how you know
you're being cleansed.

Sit down, Rob Bennett. Relax.

- Breathe with me.
- Huh?

It's a birthday party.

Yeah, apparently not the
mom's birthday party.

- At least there's a bar.
- Ooh, bar.

- Peach fizz?
- No.

Did you know I
have a son in Peru?

- I didn't know, I didn't...
- He's not my real son, I adopted him.

Lives there with his birth
family, his name's Paco Leone.

I learned a lot in my
time in Machu Picchu.

I learned how to
smell an orchid.

- You ever smell an orchid?
- Yeah, probably.

- No.
- No?

No. You didn't.

Not truly.

Not until you've inhaled its
essence while high on ayahuasca.

But be real, are they too harsh?

'Cause I kinda want
like a beachy vibe.

I was nervous about the color.

I showed her a photo.

All right, thank you.

So who's the birthday girl?

I am.

- Happy bi...
- Stop.

Okay.

- So how old are you today?
- I'm 16.

- And how old are you?
- 34.

Ew.

Are you the guy from the show
that plays Thaddeus or something?

Oh.

"There's not a flower
in the king's garden

that doesn't bow as you pass."

Season four, episode seven?

It's one of Thaddeus's
most quoted lines.

I mean...

- Really.
- Yeah. My mom is the one who's a fan.

Oh. That's great.

I started watching season nine.

You were dead.

Well, anyway... I really
think it's perfect.

- Good choice.
- Thank you.

Richard! You made it!

Oh, look at you, all gussied up.

And you brought Thaddeus.

Thaddeus! Big fan!

Aw, you two just made Leslie
Jo's special day extra special.

You are a man who's
definitely getting some pie.

Oh, boysie.

And that's how I earned my
honorable discharge from the ROTC.

Dedicated myself to the twin
arts of Kabbalah and origami,

but before I took up the oboe.

Ayahuasca.

I need...

I need a bump!

I'm sorry?

I need a bump.

I haven't done cocaine since
the Carter administration,

but if you...

No. No, I'm talking about
renegotiating my rate for next year.

That's what all this
is about, isn't it?

I need a raise, sir.

I need a raise.

Now just a sec, I'm gonna go change
into something more comfortable.

By all means.

You wanna start with something
I baked on the upper shelf?

Or a little something
from the lower shelf?

Shit, woman. Bring
out the whole buffet.

Okay, okay, okay.
Favorite song.

Ooh, I love the new JT.

- He's like always like...
- How about the new Taylor?

Yes. Every time.
Never lets me down.

- Never. Never.
- "Your saddest fear comes creeping in,

but you never loved me or
her. Or anyone. Or anything."

- You know Taylor Swift?
- Oh yeah, she's really neat.

I mean, I'd say she's my
second favorite artist.

I did not know old
people like cool music.

What's your first favorite?

Death metal pioneers,
Cannibal Corpse.

Where's Mary Helen?

Our hostess?

Sorry, friend. I'm afraid
her dance card is full.

She has retired to her private
chambers with my friend Rich.

Where are my manners?

Chip Barfield. And you are?

Her husband.

Shit balls.

Get ready for a mouthful
of Texas heaven.

- What the...
- What the?

- What the...
- Mel.

Mel, would it kill
you to knock? Jesus!

I don't have to knock to come into my
own goddamn bedroom to find my wife!

- Wife?
- Why the hell are your damn pants down?

I... she said she was going in to
change into something more comfortable.

I did. I put flats on.
My heels were killing me.

You entered into the
bathroom to get actual pie?

Who keeps pie in a bathroom?

Where the hell is she supposed to
find that much goddamn counter space

- in a hotel?
- Wet bar?

Oh, that is it.

You're going over the
balcony, you son of a bitch.

I interviewed a
trained assassin once.

Do you know what he
told me people ask for

before he blows their heads off?

- Their mommy?
- Respect.

- You work your ass off.
- I really do.

You come here, you do the dance

and you need to be
respected for that.

I'm gonna give you
that respect, Rob.

Oh, God.

Yes... yes.

- But you're not getting any more money.
- Say what?

It's a trickle-down economy.
Once I make the big boys happy,

there's very little to
kick down to the C team.

Yeah, but can't you...

You mean the B team, right?

Do I, Rob? Do I?

- So we have a deal?
- Yes. Fine, whatever.

Just get me the hell
out of this room.

Come on, you gotta push.

Fine, you fuck face.

I need a fucking raise, okay?

I need a fucking raise,

and I need to get the
fuck out of this room.

That pushy enough for
you, you maniacal twat?

No, Rob. The door.
Push the door.

What?

Oh.

Wow. Hell of a shvitz.

Hello, Maury.

Mel.
It's Mel? Listen.

This is all a
misunderstanding, okay?

Man-to-man, I misread the signs.

She invited me up there,
she offered me her pie...

And by pie you thought
it was my hoo-ha?

- I did.
- Oh, good Lord.

Get out of the 80s.

Sweetie, I wouldn't have
sexual relations with you

if my life depended on it.

- You're a character actor.
- Uh?

Plus, he has a cock like a cat
head duct taped to a baby's arm.

Kudos.

Now I'm gonna toss
you off the balcony.

No, hey. No, TO. Mel, wait.

Wait. Mistakes were made.

Okay? But lessons were learned.

Pants were put back on, I
think the takeaway here,

if we could pause for
a second is that...

she's a dish.

She's a pot of gold, my man.

She is something else. I
mean, she's got it going on

and she reeled me in,
okay? I fell for it.

I bought it, hook,
line, and sinker

and yet, there she is with you.

And there you are with her.

And this is what I'm seeing
here, what I'm seeing here is...

Honestly? It's beautiful.

It's really nice,
it's really, truly...

I mean there's something here
that I'm seeing, that like,

if you could stand here and see what
I'm seeing you'd go "Oh, my God,"

because it's real.

I mean, there are naysayers out there
who would tell you that love is dead.

I've heard 'em say it.

But you know what?

After tonight, after what
I'm seeing right now.

To those people I would say
"My friend you are mistaken."

I would say romance
is alive and well,

and living in Texas.

I would say "you don't
believe in true love?

Well, let me introduce you

to Mary Helen and Mel."

Right.

Unbelievable.

Robbie?

Richie?

How was the spa?

Oh, shitty. Party?

Shittier.

What you drinking?

- Peach fizz.
- Hm.

- Yeah.
- Is it tasty?

Not anymore.