Kings of Con (2016–2017): Season 1, Episode 6 - Franklin, TN - full transcript

Son of a bitch!

- Sliced it.
- Yes, you did.

Okay, that makes it Matt's turn.

- The fuck it is.
- What?

If you think I'm wasting my nickels
on your half-ass excuse for a sport?

Mm-mm. To quote Judy Priest,

"You have another
think coming, bro."

Somebody spike the
green drink, man?

Don't you dare blame this
on my Everclear smoothie.

This is about you two assholes giving
Mother Nature the middle finger.

Go ahead, support the devastation
and destruction of our wetlands



for some bullshit elitist
white man pastime.

Matt, it's a video game.

Tell wildlife it's
a video game, Kurt!

Okay.

So be it. Hold my
beer, it's my turn.

Whoo! Ha ha ha ha!

Beers for everybody!

Here you go, kids.

- Hey, yeah?
- Yeah.

- Older people rock.
- Right?

Whoo, you'd
better believe it.

Oh, hey gang.

This is Stella. Stella, gang.

Stella's gonna be rolling
with "The Kid" tonight,



if she can keep up.

Whoo.

Boom.

What's up with Rob?

Why, whatever do
you mean, Matthew?

What do you mean, what
do I mean? Look at him.

He's social, he's fun, he
doesn't stink, he's not sweating.

Top secret mystery drug.

- Fine, be a jerk.
- No, I'm dead serious.

Robby is part of
a medical study.

They paid him 500
bones to try this new

experimental
anti-anxiety medication.

Bennett, you're up.

Oh, all right.

Hey, you are unbelievably cute.
What are you doing with him?

He's hilarious and awesome.

No, seriously. What...

Oh, beware, my Lord of Jealousy.

'Tis the green eyed monster that
doth mock the meat it feeds on.

- What the...
- Shakespeare, bitches!

Ooh, tough shot.

I'll take that.

You got a hole in one!

Double boom.

Double boom? Hmm.

How're we doing everybody?

Good night tonight,
huh? Fun night.

Hit it, Virg.

This one goes out
to somebody special.

That's right, you know this one.

He's singing "Danny Boy."

I don't like it.

- The song?
- No.

How much I like him right now.

Yeah!

As you see,

double stitching
is the way to go

when you're dealing with
the crotch of leather pants.

Trust me, that baby's
gone through hell.

- Ah.
- Ah!

You were on fuego last night.

- I remember Golden Tee.
- I hope so.

You rolled the
game of your life.

Why're you dressed
like an usher?

Oh, uh, I'm emceeing the
costume contest today.

- At the Oscars?
- I am upping my game, Robby.

This is my opportunity
to prove to the bosses

that I am capable of being
a sophisticated entertainer.

You sticking with the
flaming dildo bit?

- Yeah, you don't cut a classic.
- Cool.

I'm telling you, last night you
were completely unrecognizable

except for your face.

You even looked taller. I'd
have sworn you were 5'8".

- I really was in the zone.
- You were.

You made a date with Stella to
go back to that bar tonight.

- Wow.
- Uh-huh.

Who you calling?

The doctor who ran the
medical trial group.

He told me to call in
and report my findings.

Hmm.

Doctor Goldfarb.

Hey, Doc. Yeah,
it's Rob Bennett.

I was part of the medical
trial group for Comasin.

Yes, Robert.

How has your
experience been so far?

This drug is a miracle. I've
never felt better in my life.

I mean, right now I
don't feel so hot,

but last night, I was on fire.

He was in the pocket, Dr. G.

- Shh!
- Hey, well...

That's
wonderful to hear.

Ah, here we are.

Huh. You were in
the placebo group.

- Come again?
- Well, you were given sugar pills.

That's... no, that's impossible.

Just goes to show you the
power of the brain, my boy.

Now could you explain
exactly how...

What'd he say?

- I was in the placebo group.
- What?

There's nothing in
those pills he gave me.

- Just sugar water.
- Wait, what...

What made me not hate you, then?

- Must've been all the other stuff.
- What other stuff?

Well, I was feeling a
bit stuffy on the plane,

so I took a little Nyquil,

and I washed that down with
two fingers of whiskey.

- Like you do.
- Yeah.

Took some Xanax just to
counteract the anti-anxiety meds,

which I didn't know
were fake at the time.

Rogaine, Visine,
Zoloft, ibuprofen.

I accidentally ingested a little
bit of my sciatica ointment

and got a little bit of a
contact high from the cab driver.

You two shared a joint?

- Yeah.
- Okay, well, there you go.

There's your recipe right there.

All you gotta do is
recreate that cocktail,

and poof, you're
back in business.

Rich, that's a lot of stuff.

How am I supposed
to recreate that?

Become a human
test kitchen, okay?

Just experiment with
various combinations

until you hit the right one.

Hey, trust me. It's
worth it, my man.

This Stella is wife
number two material.

You're gonna want to
bring your A game.

What if she just
likes me for me?

Are you willing to
take that chance?

I'll start whipping
some stuff up.

- They wanted to take my picture.
- They love you.

Hey guys, this is Carly. She's
a new character on the show.

- And a convention virgin.
- Well, hello.

- Be nice.
- Are you shitting me?

Dickie! What the shit?

Aah!

- I can't believe this.
- Table for two, please.

- Yeah, there's a reason for this.
- Nice to meet you.

- I'm Matt Cochran.
- Did someone say "cock ring"?

- Okay, I'm over you.

Should I have brought
my pepper spray?

They didn't put that
in your welcome pack?

So, how do you know Rich?

- Uh, we did "Hellboat 2" together.
- We did.

On location, in the water,
buck naked the entire time.

That's true. I had to stare at
that flabby ass for two months.

Had to?

- Got to.
- Got to, there you go.

Whoa!

Combo one's a fail, Rich.

Copy that, Bob-o.

That's Rob.

Hi!

Hey.

So how did I not know that
you were gonna be here?

How did I not know
you were on the show?

Oh, my God, yes! Courtney, hi!

- God, she's so amazing.
- Take our pic.

- Take your pic?
- Yes.

Hey Rich.

- Do you want me to get...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, big smiles.

Now, crazy face.

Now, angry face.

And a selfie of me...

- So good, and look at you!
- Really? Thank you so much.

- Thank you, thank you.
- Thank you.

Thumbs down on combo two, Rich.

Ten-four, good buddy.

- Thanks, buddy.
- Nice try.

I gave you my number,
and you never called me.

You were barely drinking age.

Well, it didn't stop you from
pumping me full of hurricanes.

Make me sound dirtier,
why don't you?

Thank you so much. Hi.

Were you 26?

I... I was 30.

I was 30. Thank you.

Oh, that is old.

You were a straight-up perv.

- Combo three's no good, Rich.
- Roger that, bud.

Okey doke. We're here.

- Now you sure you're feeling okay?
- Yeah, I feel great!

I feel good, and combo
14 was the ticket.

- Perfect.
- Yeah.

Where is Stella?
Stella, Stella.

- Ah...
- Ooh, kids!

- Hey, kids, remember me?
- No.

Okay.

- Hey.
- Oh, Jesus.

Should we find a
table? Come on.

Really?

So Martin Sheen says, "Matt Cochran,
you'd better finish this drink,

'cause I'm wasted!"
Martin effing Sheen.

Don't you mean Charlie?

Which one was in
"Three Men and a Baby"?

Uh, neither.

So, did you guys, like, do it?

Ha ha.

Oh, let's be honest.

She wanted to, badly.

I'm sorry, we will be honest.

I needed to carry around a
spatula to peel you off of me.

I thought that was part
of your mating ritual.

- I didn't know that that was...
- I really liked her boobies!

- Um...
- Sorry, I spit on you a little bit.

Excuse me.

And I said, "Let me
get up on that bottom."

- Hey, kids.
- She's a friend of my mom's.

Ah... oh!

- Your friend is wasted.
- I have to go wee wee.

You should think
that, not say it.

- Excuse me.
- Mm-hmm.

I can't find the
right combination.

That's because there is
no right combination.

Bernie?

Bernie Kopell, is that you?

Having a hard time
with the ladies, I see.

Oh, my God.

WWBKD.

What would Bernie do?
I'll tell you what I'd do.

I'd take Loretta Swit
down to the Lido Deck

and give her a thorough pelvic.

But seeing as how we're on land,

I suggest you batten
down the hatches,

tighten the ropes because there's
choppy waters ahead, my friend.

I thought we were on land?

Stay with me, Rob.

You don't need those!

But I gotta have my A game.

And right now you're less
"A game" and more "A hole."

Let the wind be your guide.

I have faith in you, Cap'n.

Thanks, Bernie.

Bernie?

That movie set was like nothing
you've ever seen before.

Leather, plush...

Hey, did Rob just
sprint by here?

Kinda busy here, bro. Why don't
you ask your lame-o girlfriend?

Anyways, I'm with the guys
from "Three Men and a Baby."

Best set I've ever been on.

- Hey, sorry about that.
- Hey.

Matt finally scurried away.

I saw that.

- How'd you pull that off?
- I made fun of his aftershave.

It's all-over
body spray!

Really sensitive about it.

- Oh, Jesus.
- There's a step there

I didn't see before.

Can't find the right key,
but...

Stella!

Why?!

Stella, your Uber has arrived.

You snooze, you lose, Carly.

Night night.

What a monumental douche.

But you know, it's kind
of nice having him around.

He keeps Rob and me from being
the biggest turds in the room.

Barely.

Yep, well, thank you.

Barely.

Whatever happened with us?

I mean, we liked
each other, right?

Oh, the timing was off.

Well, what about this timing?

I'll be honest, I mean, I feel
really good about this timing.

Rich... you are
pretty damaged goods.

Better than ugly damaged goods.

Funny damaged goods.

I'll take that.

- Where is Rob?
- Ah, yeah, I don't know.

I guess he, uh... I guess
he pulled an Irish goodbye.

What's an Irish goodbye?

When you sneak off
without telling anybody.

What about sneaking
out is Irish?

You do it in green.

I don't know. I don't...

I don't make up the sayings,
I just overuse them.

- I learn so much from you.
- Oh, I can only imagine.

I'm sure Rob's back
at the hotel...

tucked into his bed, sleeping
like a baby as we speak.

- Hello?
- Rob, finally!

- Where have you been?
- Rich.

Yes, it's me. Where are you?

- Where are you?
- I'm at the hotel.

- Oh, that makes sense.
- Dude, where the hell are you?

- I don't know.
- What do you mean, you don't know?

No, I literally don't...
It's a part of the city

I don't recognize.

- There's traffic, uh, trees.
- Uh-huh.

- Some birds, kids playing.
- Great.

- A library of some sort.
- Okay.

- Some kind of stadium.
- Stadium?

- Ah...
- Staples Center?

No, it's not Staples.

It's under
construction, whatever.

It's some stadium
under construction.

A football stadium.

Yes, looks like maybe a football...
you know what it looks like?

- What?
- Where is it that USC plays?

- Ah, the Coliseum?
- Oh, fuck.

What?

- I'm in Rome, Rich.
- Rome?

How the fuck did I get to Rome?

Quit dicking around
and get back here.

Fuck!