Kings of Con (2016–2017): Season 1, Episode 3 - Pasadena, CA - full transcript

A viral video of Rob's on-stage mockery of law enforcement proves ill-timed when an accidental 9-1-1 call brings cops to his hotel door.

I, uh, need that house.

It's got my office in it,
and it's a home office,

and it's where I do work.

I mean, I don't go to
work at that office.

I leave the house when I
go to work, 'cause I...

Well, I work all over,
when there's work.

It's, uh...

I'm going through a
dry spell right now,

but that's... that's
just... That's the biz.

Like, that's normally done,

and it's just about
navigating the water.

But I don't know
if you ever watched

"Cassie Goes to College."

- I did not.
- I was in that,

and I played Lance,

who was a really fun
guy down the hall.

Like, he'd throw the parties,
and people'd be like,

"What's going on at Lance's?"

- I get it.
- Okay.

The point is, sir,

- I'm talking about my office...
- Mm-hmm.

Which is in my house,

and within that office

I need somewhere to
put my office things,

so when I come back
from the office store,

I don't know where to
put my office things

if I don't have an office.
She's got an office.

In fact, we're in it right now.

Objection. Irrelevant.

Yes, it's just a mediation.

You needn't be that
formal, Miss Bennett.

- Uh, it's "Mrs."
- Not for much longer.

Okay, isn't it a
conflict of interest

that my wife is also
my wife's lawyer?

- Ex-wife.
- Not yet.

No, she is perfectly
within her rights.

Would you like me to
handle this for you too?

'Cause I've been
handling everything

- for the last 10 years.
- Oh, ha ha.

That is the problem!
You're such a child!

- You're a child.
- Your Honor,

this is a travesty.

You don't have to...
I'm not a judge.

- What'd I miss?
- Well, she...

I tried to talk.

You did the bit about the house?

- And the office?
- Yeah.

- Nothing?
- No.

- God.
- I'm sorry,

Mr. Bennett, is this
your representative?

It's the tie, right?
It was for an audition.

Nailed it.

What was the role?
Creepy best friend?

Campbell's soup. Young dad.

I'm sorry, sir,

do you have any bearings
on these proceedings?

Thank you for asking.
Yes, yes, indeed I do.

I'm here to speed them up.

Robbie and I have a 2:00
PM stage talk at PasCon.

That's insider lingo
for Pasadena Convention.

- Wow.
- So, if you don't mind,

if we could pick up the
pace here a bit, toots,

you know, chop-chop.

Hey! Watch your language.

It's okay, Lou.

- You know him?
- Courthouse stuff.

You wouldn't understand, Rob.
It's this thing called a job.

- Ouch.
- I've got a job.

Really? Is it 2005 again?

Something funny, chief?

- Whoa.
- Rob.

- Sit down, Mr. Bennett.
- We doing this?

What are we doing exactly?

Uh, we're just standing here,

just like this.

- Yeah, that's what I thought.
- Yeah.

- So hey, good talking.
- Sit down.

- Will do.
- Lou, stand down.

Mr. Bennett, may I
be honest with you?

You stand to gain nothing
from these negotiations.

Your wife has been
the sole breadwinner

for the majority of
your relationship.

Everything that you
have is in her name,

the house, its contents,
somehow even your vehicle.

She maintains the mortgage on
your Segway human transporter

which she says you
are not able to ride.

She holds the lease
on your Bowflex.

You registered under
her name a bass boat

though I'm told you get
seasick on soft carpet.

You have no legal standing here.

My advice to you is that you
cut your losses and move on.

Did you tell them about
"Cassie Goes To College"?

All right. No
further questions.

This is not... all right.
Mediation adjourned.

- Right?
- I know.


Uh, my
question is for Rob.

What do you do to get
in character for a role?

Ooh, good one.

Well, for me it all starts
with costumes, really.

It's like, let's
say, for example,

you're playing, like,
a police officer.

And you put on, like,
the gun and the badge,

and the holster and you start...

You start to feel
like a real cop,

like a real somebody,
like you're in charge.

And then you realize that's
why all officers are a-holes.

Ah, I...

Robbie, I think she was asking
about what you'd wear...

Yeah, no, that's why
they all walk like this.

"Whoa, oh, look at me.

I walk like an a-hole.

Ooh, I'm an a-hole,
'cause I'm a cop."

Uh, but you're not a real cop,

you're just a security
officer in a courtroom

that's a mediation.

"Oh, you be quiet, 'cause
I'm all big and handsome,

and employed. Oh, is
this your ex-wife?"

No, mister, she's
actually still my wife.

"Oh, it doesn't matter,
'cause she's mine now."

Ha, ha, Robbie!

Okay, wow, what
an interesting...

take on the whole profession.

Um, side note: his opinion
is not shared by me,

for one, so quick apology to

all the men and women of law
enforcement in the house tonight.

In fact, I'll take this time to
give a little tip of the cap...

No, not tip of the cap.
I do not tip my cap!

Robbie, one of us tips our cap.

- Cap's on!
- Why don't you just take five,

- cool off and, uh...
- Fine!

You know how I'm
gonna walk back there?

Like a cop. Ehh...

Okay. It's a great bit.

That's a lesser-known
character he likes to do

- called "Angry Rob"...
- No, it's not!

Okay. Does it at parties...

I am legitimately
pissed off!

Okay, can you turn
off his mike, please?

Does that answer your question?

911, what's
your emergency?

The emergency is my phone is
dying and I don't have any beer.

Do you want to just
meet down in the lobby?

Who's dying, sir?

Seriously, dude,
you're killing me.

This whole thing with Marney just
sucked the life right out of me.

No one's
killing anyone.

Is Marney in the
room with you, sir?

You know goddamn well she's
not in the room with me!

Knock it off!

Why you talking like a robot?

Stay calm, sir.

Tell us where you are
and we'll dispatch a car.

- A what?
- Sir, you need to tell us

where you are.

Oh, Jesus.

This is really 911? Oh, shoot.

I mean not shoot.

Don't shoot, nobody's
shooting anybody.

There's no emergency.

Sir, what
is your location?

No, I'm at a hotel, you see,

and I just forgot to
press "7" or whatever

to dial room-to-room.

My buddy Rich is in room 911.

What hotel, sir?

Sir, you need to tell us
where you are right...

I can't help but
notice you're beerless.

I up, Rich.

Well, that's an
easy solve, Robbie,

just mosey on down to the
beer store and buy some.

That's not what
I'm talking about.

Would you quit messing
with my blinds, A,

and B, would sit down? You're
starting to make me nervous.

You're making me nervous!

I tried to call you, and
I didn't dial "7" first.

I forgot to dial "7"!

You lost me. What
does that mean?

That means I dialed 911.


Come on, that's good,
right? That's good!

No, it's not good!
It's not good at all!

It's good! That's funny!

Open the door!

Mr. Slate!



Uh, I'm just getting
out of the shower.

- Go.
- You go.

You go!

I'm not going going. You...

Police, open the door!


- Mr. Slate?
- Yes.

You shower with your clothes on?

Uh... no.

You dial 911?

Oh, no.

He did.



I think there's been
a misunderstanding.

What's the emergency, sir?

Here's the thing,
there's no emergency.

I called my friend here,

so it was room-to-room, but
I forgot to press the "7."

And he's in room
911, and so is the...

Now that's gotta be
a common hotel thing.

Okay, well, anyway,
thanks for stopping by.

Not so fast.

Whose room is this?

It's his.

- We need to see your room.
- Hey, Murph.

- Isn't this that guy?
- What guy?

That guy from that YouTube
video Johnson was showing us.

- The "a-hole cop" guy.
- Well, that was fast.

- You that guy?
- What? No.

I don't know what you're
talking about, really.

- Heck, yeah, he's that guy.
- Whose side are you on?

These guys know your
work. That's a good thing.

I don't even... I
don't even go in there.

Phone book? Who uses a
phone book anymore, right?

See? All clear.
No emergencies.

- Simple mistake.
- Hey, Murph!

Lookie here, huh?
Prescription pills.

With no prescription.

No, those are my
anti-anxiety pills.

I take those, you
know, when I travel.

I use that little
case. It's very handy.

Boy, this guy must think we're
a couple of real... a-holes.

I don't. I really don't.

Well, maybe we should ask the
a-holes down at the station

what they think.

You know, normally I
wouldn't arrest you

for possession of
illegal narcotics,

but since I'm such an a-hole...

Oh! Oh!

Ah! Could you pop one
of those in my mouth?

I feel an episode
coming on. Ah! Ah!

That's why
they all walk like this.

"Whoa, oh, look at me!
I walk like an a-hole."

Excuse me! Officer, sir?

Officer, hi. Hey, um,

I was wondering if,
um... can I... oh.

Hey, Nandez. Do I look like an
a-hole when I walk like this?

Huh, do I? Hey,
I'm a cop, huh.

Yep, you sure do.

Okay, listen, don't I at
least get a phone call?

Yeah, you can use my cell.

You see that?

Come on, guys, come on!

It was taken out of context!

- I was joking!
- What a dick.

Yeah, I don't have any... Do
you have any spare change?

That's my line.

Just pick it up. It works.

Oh, okay.

Uh, okay.

And that's when I learned
that first responders

truly are the heroes.

That fireman didn't just
save a life that day,

he saved a whole litter.

That's why we named the
first-born after him.

Meet District Chief
Alphonse Jablonsky.

That's beautiful,
Ann, thank you.

Thank you.

I know it's not easy,
but it's important.

Thank you all for being here,
for sharing your stories,

because you know what?

It's in troubled
times like these

that we need to come
together, to share,

to help heal the wound that Rob
sliced into all of our hearts.

We all have to do what we can,

and that is why
I have done this.

It's a labor of love,
really, just a gesture,

my way of saying "thank
you" and "I support you."

Really, it's not
about the money,

so just... $20 or
whatever you can afford.

You don't have any family?

I gotta tell you something.
I'm a huge fan, by the way.

You and 32 million others.

It's like, the one time
I go viral, you know?

"Cassie Goes To College."

- Really?
- Sincerely.

Dude, that helped me through
a real rough patch in my life.

You watched it?

I loved it.

Like, all four seasons?

I watched every frame.

I want to tell you right
now, Lance's journey?

- That's awesome.
- You nailed it.

Lance is a pretty
good character, right?

- He's like underrated.
- You don't have a show without Lance.

That's what I always
said! It was like...

Uh, Marney Bennett, please.

So where did you
usually watch it?

We'd get together, we'd go find
a little storefront or something,

sometimes we'd go into
Best Buy and watch.

- Oh.
- Street party.

Yeah. I mean, like we all,

we would just sit around for
hours after every episode

- and unpack it.
- I had no idea.

- Oh my gosh!
- We'd always joke, like,

"Uh, we must be pretty
cool in the streets."

but really... we were
actually cool in the streets.

Legit in the streets, man.

So what have you been up
to? What's been going on?

You know, I've got a few
things that are in the burner.

You know, I'm working
on a couple things,

like, just writing projects,

but not... nothing...

- Oh.
- How about you?

Killin' it.

Just killin' it.


You can just drop me
up here by the loading dock.

Bailing you out, that's a first.

Second, actually.

Oh, right.

I forgot about
our wedding night.



you're right about
what you said.

I've been acting like a baby.

Well, it's nice to hear
you admit it finally.

Yeah, you know...

it's like I'd like to
think that I can change...

grow up.

You can. Everyone can.

You have to want it.

I do still love you, Marney.

I know.


Wanna grab a bite
and talk about it?


That was so Lance.
Season three.

It's a good effort, though.
We're getting somewhere.


I'll tell you what,
Rob, you go ahead.

I'm gonna take
care of this, okay?

Get out.