Kings of Con (2016–2017): Season 1, Episode 2 - Whippany, NJ - Still Whipping - full transcript

I finally found
the coffee station.

I am a monster until
I've had a second cup.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I'm not much
of a coffee guy.

You know, it kinda
makes me jumpy.

- More toast?
- Jesus!

No, no thank you.

Thanks. Heh.

So, uh... ahem... so last night

- was fun.
- Yeah, yeah, for sure.

You cried a lot.



No, I just have allergies.

- So, uh...
- Good morning, Robert.

Uh, hey, guys, what's goin' on?

Oh, my God. Hi, Rich.

- Can I get a selfie?
- Absolutely. Yeah.

- Get in here, Rob.
- It's okay.

I've already been in there.

Oh, Jesus.

Awesome.

Great. Hey, uh, Rob,

remember that thing I said we
would probably have to go do?

- Well, we have to go do it right now.
- Okay.

Yeah, we gotta go do this thing we
were talking about we were gonna do

and now we have to go it.



So, um, oh, I need to sign
the breakfast to my room.

Oh, if you're in a hurry,
I can sign it for you.

Oh, no, I kinda have to do
it. We sign in under aliases.

- So...
- Well, I know.

- Hugh.
- Did I...

- Did I tell you that?
- Well, actually, you...

You wrote it at
the bar last night

when you were giving
me your room number.

Now I know
your secret identity.

You're Hugh Janus.

He sure as shit is.

Dear God, man,
what have you done?

Don't take that tone with me.

This is much your
fault as it is mine.

"Drink up," he said. "Mingle
with fans," you said.

"It's getting late. We
should go," you said.

You practically pulled
it out and guided it in.

- Ew.
- You, ew.

Robbie, convention rule one:

Fans are off-limits.

You do not bite the
hand that feeds you,

and you sure as he'll don't
let it give you a tug job.

And you know what? You can
kiss Hugh Janus goodbye.

- You told her your alias.
- I know. I know.

It's this whole divorce thing.
It's... it's throwing me off.

All right, well, you know
what? What's done is done.

Time for us to focus
on crisis prevention.

Crisis prevention? What
crisis are we preventing?

You're jerking my chain, right?

- No.
- Bobby?

- What?
- Internet.

Social media backlash.

To the computer please.

Ah, shit.

All right, you gotta
check all your sites now.

- Okay?
- 'Kay.

Twitter, Flutter,
Facebook, Tumblr,

Snapchat, Clap Grab, um,
Fumble Finish Live Twist,

- Smellberg.
- Smellberg?

- You're not on Smellberg?
- No.

It's a great site. You can
post all your favorite scents.

Listen, the point is

this woman just slept
with her TV hero.

She's gonna be out
there everywhere

spreading this news
to the Four Winds.

You gotta get out
in front of it.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Now, I'm gonna say this,
and I need you to hear me.

She's going to
try to friend you.

Do not take the bait
and friend her back.

Okay? I know
you're a nice guy.

Let's be honest.

That's misleading, and quite
frankly, just plain cruel.

- Okay, got it.
- All right?

- Yeah.
- You know, scratch that.

Actually, uh, do
friend her back.

Um, because if you don't,

she might go all boil
rabbit on your ass.

And that could get
real dark real fast.

- Yeah.
- Ooh, but then again,

if you do friend her back,

she might think you guys
are actually a thing

and be all up in your grill-piece
24/7, and that's no bueno.

But then again, if you don't
accept her friend request,

then she might lash out and
start posting everywhere

that you're a heartless
a-hole and a lousy lay.

- Okay, so what do I do?
- No idea.

All right, well, I'm looking
and I don't see anything.

In fact, she hasn't... she
hasn't posted on any of my sites.

- How can you be sure?
- 'Cause nobody has in days.

Well, maybe she's not
the social media type.

True. True.

Oh. Ah, hey, look.

She posted that picture
of the three of us

- from breakfast this morning.
- Oh.

Did she tag me in it?

Negatory, Robbie.

You're in the clear.

- Feels like I'm in the dirty.
- Keep searching.

Maybe I just don't get
good service at this hotel.

Heh.

Nope. You're good.

It's weird.

I mean, we really had a
connection last night.

I... I bought her breakfast
this morning, Rich.

Breakfast. A la carte.

I could've really
pushed the buffet.

- You know, it's cheaper.
- Yeah.

While still offering
a bevy of options.

But, no, the lady
wanted eggs Florentine.

The lady got eggs Florentine.

- And that is a classy move.
- Yeah.

Fat lot of good it
did me. Radio silence.

Yeah, but, that means she's not
tearing you a new one on the web.

Isn't that a good thing?

Come on in. Hey.

Now your postchoices are
totem pole, school dance

or shiver me timbers.

- What can I do for you, brother?
- Can I just touch your chest?

- Hey! Hi.
- Hey.

- Well, I...
- What... what're you doing?

Oh, I, um...

Sorry, I just, uh, I
realized I forgot to give you

- my Twitter handle.
- I already have it.

Okay, well, don't forget to
use that... that "at" symbol.

Um, it won't work otherwise.

And, um, you know, I also
have a Facebook fan page.

- So you might wanna just...
- Is there a duo photo op scheduled

- I don't know about?
- No, Kurt, there's not.

You're messing with the line
flow. You know that, right?

I do. I do. Thank you
for pointing it out.

Uh, okay. You know what?

We will finish this
conversation at my photo op.

Well, I didn't buy
a photo with you.

Why wouldn't...
why? I'm sorry.

And you know
what? Come anyway.

And, uh, no charge.

- Ahem!
- I will cover it when I get paid.

Oh, actually, I can't. I
have a meet and greet then.

With who?

- Rich.
- With my best friend?

How... why would you do that?
- Okay, all right.

Drama class is over,
all right? Handler Beth.

Can we handle this? Be
with you in a sec, ladies.

Hey, um...

Look, I... I didn't want
to have to say this,

but, um, I'm in, like,

a really sensitive place right
now... my world is spinning,

and, um, it's like, I know it's
not, like, your problem per se,

but I just need you to
understand where I'm coming from

and why this matters.

Okay?

Okay.

I need to get you onstage.

Okay, yeah. Right.

Rob's walking.

- Whoa!
- Whoa... hey!

- Rob. Rob.
- What the hell?

Rob, you have stage
talk in five minutes.

What's going on?

Sorry, buddy, but desperate times
call for desperate measures.

- You, my friend, are coming apart.
- Rob?

Everyone's concerned.
That's why we're all here.

Actually I was already
in here having a cry.

No, Rich is right.
You're a fuck up, Rob.

- We want you gone.
- No, we don't.

- Who are you?
- I'm just here to get a mop.

So, what're we doing here?

Rob slept with a fan and is
now in emotional turmoil.

- Yeah.
- You broke convention rule one?

- Oh, man.
- What's the crime here?

I mean, you have hooked up
with fans countless times.

Yeah, of course I
do. That's what I do.

That's my bit.
That's my thing.

That's what people expect
of me, but not you.

You're the "aw, shucks" guy.

You're the one they want to scoop
up, take home, have neutered,

- and teach to poop in a box.
- I saw her.

She was cosplaying
his character.

You know when I say
"Go fuck yourself,"

- it's not what I meant.
- Narcissist.

Okay, guys, I get it.

Um, but, really, there's
nothing to worry about here.

I'm totally fine. Really,
this is not a big deal.

I mean, it's a... It's
really... it's fine.

Um, I don't know
what went wrong.

You know, it's like we... we
had a night together last night,

we shared a moment, and
then this morning I wake up

and nothing.

Not a thing.

No messages online, uh,

no following me
around the hotel.

No sweet little letters
underneath my door.

It's like, where did it
all go so pear-shaped?

- Damn.
- You men.

You have sex with a woman once,

and you think she's
gonna become a stalker.

Why is it so hard
for you to understand

that we have primal
sexual urges.

She got in, she got off...
Maybe... and got out.

- End of story.
- W.W.B.K.D.

Excuse me.

What Would Bernie Kopell Do?

You ask that, you'll
never go wrong.

Who is Bernie Kopell?

Yeah, I'm kinda
lost here, too, Maury.

Does this clear
things up for you?

Is that Doc from
"The Love Boat"?

Bernie's seminal role, yes.

That guy was on TV?
He looks like a dork.

This dork could navigate the
intricate puzzle that is woman

better than any
man I've ever seen.

We did the con circuit together
for a time back in his heyday.

Hmph.

He seduced my wife.

It was the most magnificent
thing I've ever witnessed.

Like an opera.

So much passion and body makeup.

I was honored just to be there
until they asked me to leave.

I'm not sure how this relates.

Bernie was a man. A man's man.

If Bernie was
dropped by a woman,

you wouldn't find
him in... In a closet

groveling to a bunch of people
who hardly know or care about him.

He'd own it, deal
with it, then move on.

You got tossed aside
by a fan. There it is.

So now what?

- W.W.B.K.D.
- Exactly.

Time to Bernie up and do
what you're here to do.

Stir up a Sazerac, grab the mic,

and give that crowd
what they paid for.

A 40-minute stage talk by
the guy who played God on TV

five seasons ago.

And that's when they asked me to
not stop wearing the codpiece.

Any other questions?

Uh, it's more of a
statement really.

- Okay.
- About four years ago,

my Meemaw had a tattoo
accident and she ended up

- losing the use of her arm...
- I'm gonna stop you right there.

You know,

all of us up here as performers,

we really put ourselves
out there for you,

and, yeah, there's a little
bit of money involved...

Maybe a little fame,

but really do we get
anything in return?

No. Nada.

Except sometimes,

somebody in their own sweet,

tender, unique, precious,

little buzzed-up way

says, "Thank you."

Then I'm here to say,

"You're welcome."

I let you see something

that nobody has seen
for a good 18 months.

'Kay.

I exposed myself to
you. I did.

And you held it. Let you
caress it a little bit.

But as I said in episode 513,
"The Devil Made Me Do It,"

"God giveth, and
God taketh away."

And it is time for me

to taketh it back

and puteth it

in my pocketh.

Thanks for this, everybody.

This has been pretty amazing.

And that's the gospel
according to Bennett.

Thank you, Whippany. I'm out.

- I'm glad this one's over.
- Oh, I bet.

I feel good, though, you know?

I got the whole hooking
up-with-a-fan bug

- out of my system.
- Right, yeah.

You know, been there, done
that. Don't need to do it again.

- Mm-mm.
- It's like I said in my stage talk,

I had it out there, but now
it's time to pack it away

- and seal it up.
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, the 'it' you keep referring
to, that's your penis, right?

It's my heart. I'm
talking about my heart.

Oh!

Oh, that... okay.

Huh.

Hey, but you know what? Something
you never thought about.

- Hmm.
- You never saw that woman

when she didn't look
like "Teen Wolf."

That Michael J. Fox version.

She did you a favor
blowing you off, my friend.

You probably just
dodged a hideous bullet.

No, I am sure you are right.

Yeah.

- Whoa.
- Hmm.

Oh, God.

Oh, fuck.