Kings of Con (2016–2017): Season 1, Episode 4 - Bellevue, WA - full transcript

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I'm really excited to
see the Space Needle.

I really wanna see it.

I'll probably just
pop over on break.

If anyone wants to come with.

We're in Bellevue,
Sparky. Not Seattle.

And in the nine minutes you
have between kissing babies

and shaking people's hands,

the only place you're gonna
be popping into is the can...

to drop a deuce.

Drop a deuce, I don't
see that on my itinerary.

What is that?



Morning, everyone.

Maury. Looking spiffy. Wow.

What's the occasion?
Court appearance?

No.

Self-tape audition to
play a pedophile teacher?

That was last week.

Beating the rush and picking
out your burial suit.

No. No.

Gotta look classy for
our special guest.

Do any of you ever
check out the website?

Kent O'Grady is
appearing at this con.

Kent O'Grady, Kent O'Grady?

- Yes.
- Oh!

Wait, who's Kent O'Grady?



Wait, he's the guy from
"Lord of the Tombs."

- Yes.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

On BBC, my aunt loves that show.

Who does he play?

"The Lord of the Tombs."

Whoa, title character.

Been there, done that.

"The Careless Campers,"

1989 wilderness safety
instructional video.

Yours truly... was
a careless camper.

Guys, come on.
This is big news.

Kent O'Grady? He's
the real deal.

Oh, please.

He's just another British
jack hole who came to America

to take acting work from us.

You know, I'm so sick and tired
of these buttoned-up twerps

swooping in and
stealing away jobs

that rightfully
belong to US citizens.

Russell Crowe...

I'm pretty sure he's Australian.

Javier Bardem.

Spanish.

Damian Lewis.

- Fucking Damien Louis.
- Right?

You know who should be playing
Americans on American TV?

Americans.

I ask you, who knows more about
being American than Americans?

Canadians.

Besides them.

Your point
is a foolish one.

Whoa. Wow.

- Are you?
- Yes.

Yes, I am.

And you are?

Name's Rich.

Well, Richard.

It seems as though you believe

Americans have a
proprietary right

to play themselves
on screen, correct?

- I...
- If we apply that logic

across the board then who
pray tell should play the dead

on "The Stumbling Dead"?

Will only drug addicts

portray those afflicted
by that horrible disease?

Must we find an actual murderer
to simulate the taking of a life?

And scene.

You see, a true performer is
able to embody a character

without actually
being that character.

It's called acting.

Us Brits are trained on
stage from a very young age

to do just that.

Whilst you Americans
fritter your days away

appearing in toothpaste
advertisements.

Praying for the day you'll
land some soulless role

on the latest incarnation
of "9-nil-2-1-nil."

"90210."

- Ah.
- Oh.

Yeah. Guilty.

That's why our shelves are lined
with your Emmys and your Oscars

and you haven't
the slightest idea

what a BAFTA even looks like,
let alone the chance to win one.

- Yeah!
- Bravo!

Bravo!

Oh, and may I say,
it is an honor

to have you here in our humble
green room, Mr. O'Grady.

Join me, won't you?

Thank you, no.

I'm contractually provided
with my own private green room.

Only it's called
the lavender suite.

I'm really wandered in
here in search of the loo.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to continue my
quest to evacuate my nethers.

His mustache was so majestic.

He smelled like a fox hunt.

Talked like a real-life butler.

He made "shit" sound fancy.

For an asshole, he's
not wrong about acting.

I'm not a careless camper
but I had to be one

and I mean embodied one for
the entire run of the shoot

or the context of
the film was lost.

It was a brutal six hours.

Hello, everyone.

This is my first one
of these conventions.

So please, walk me through this
so-called, "meet and greet."

Should we meet first

or is it better to open the
proceedings with the greet?

Ah... yes.

What's it like being
better than us?

Aren't you also one of the paid
performers here at this event?

No. No.

Yes.

Very well.

I don't think myself better
than you or your countrymen.

However, your nation
was once under the crown

whereas we have never
served under your rule.

We consistently demonstrate
a superior use of grammar

we exercise a more global
perspective on politics.

But aside from that, and
many, many other factors

we are all equal.

Great. Then I'll count you
in for our group lunch.

Ooh, no, wait, hang... A moment.

Bullocks!

He was absolutely crushed.

I've never seen a
man so despondent.

So I said to him,

"Ricky, 'The Boardroom'
just doesn't sound right.

Dumb it down. Make it
reflect the average person

and their typical
mundane existence.

Call it, 'The Office'."

Oh.

And the rest, my
friends, is TV history.

Wow.

That's... oof.

I have a question,
Mr. O'Grady.

- Excuse me, what are those?
- Potatoes.

Yes, I can see they're
bloody potatoes.

What kind of potatoes?

Um, I guess they're au gratin.

- Oh, may I?
- Yeah. Sure.

When you're finished, would you
pass them over here, please.

Okay, I'm good, I guess.

Good, huh?

You gotta stop now.

Yeah, Washington, just feelin' it.

I'm feeling it too. It's
gonna be a great afternoon.

- I'm really excited...
- How's it going, bud?

You ready? Feeling good?

I don't want you
to sweat a thing.

You're gonna kill out there.

Quick heads up, the Washington
crowd does smoke a lot of weed

so they're very, very high.

And that makes their
reaction time a little wonky.

But, they're out
there. Trust me.

I can assure you,
I'm not concerned.

Okay.

Good.

I hope everything's
okay back there?

Are you okay?

I'm doing my stage
vocal warm-ups.

You know you'll be using
a microphone up there?

Oh, God. All right.

Yeah.

This next...

That... That
doesn't sound human.

Oh, I know what this is.

This is our next guest.

We just met him.
He's a dashing chap.

And let me tell you something.

We just had lunch and
the man loves potatoes.

He went to town on those
things. He really did.

In fact, I've a new nickname
for him and it's Kent O'Gratin.

So give it, up. Warm
welcome, remember.

Kent O'Grady, everybody.

Good
afternoon, everyone.

Good afternoon. So
great to see you all.

Oh my, look how many
of you there are.

Wow. This is delightful.

I thought he was gonna slap me
in the face with a leather glove

and challenge me to a dual.

No, seriously, I think
I really offended him.

Like I should
be thanking you.

You branded him.

Giving a man a nickname, is
an American rite of passage.

Oh, please, your intro sucked.

That whole potato bit... ha!

Hi, Sue.

What are you doing?

I was doing my taxes,

what the fuck does it
look like I'm doing?

Seriously, if you'd
introduced me like,

I would've punched
you in the teeth.

Mr. O'Grady wants to
see you in his room.

- Okay, let's rock and roll.
- Just Rob.

Darling, enter.

Wow.

You brought a lot of scarves
for a one-day appearance.

These aren't scarves, Robert.

They're ascots.

Guess so.

Naive.

So innocent.

So childlike.

Perhaps that's why I
feel so safe around you.

Oh, cool.

Um, listen, earlier when
I introduced you on stage

I... I just want you to know,

I... I was totally just
going for the joke.

Silence.

It is I, who needs to speak.

When you publicly marked
my potato consumption

I was justifiably incensed.

- Yeah, I didn't...
- But then, it hit me.

You, simple, little you,

with those wide,
piercing, rabbit-like eyes

have seen through my facade.

I have?

When I was gorging myself on
that starchy, cheesy goodness

I wasn't doing it because
I was hungry for food.

I was doing it because
I was starving.

I mean, that's pretty
much the same thing.

Starving for truth.

For roots.

For home.

For my... my mother's
favorite potato recipe.

My mother... who lives in...

who lives in...

A condo?

Missouri.

My mother lives
in Missouri, Rob.

My whole family does.

What a kawinkydink,
I'm from Missouri.

What part?

Rob, I'm American.

I'm as American as you are.

I've been living a lie. A
lie that can't continue.

You found me out. Who's next?

Who in this house of cards
I've built around myself

is gonna come
crashing down on me?

I can't handle the
pressure anymore.

I'm gonna fling myself
from this tower Rob.

And end it all.

We're on the second floor.

Don't try and talk me down.

I only wanted you here
so you can bear witness.

So that you can get
every detail correct

when you write my biography.

Why would I write
your biography?

Farwell, Rob.
Remember me fondly.

What the hell is
wrong with this thing?

Those hotel
windows don't open.

Why?

I think to keep people from
trying to kill themselves?

That is asinine.

God. Oh, no.

Okay. Um.

Look, man. No one's
gonna care that you lied

about where you're from.

Look, I mean,

even the fact that you even
fooled people into thinking

you're from a completely
different country,

that's... That's
pretty damn impressive.

Oh, God. I couldn't
breathe under there.

What were you saying
about my being impressive?

I... I was just
saying that, you know,

rather than looking at this

as a desperate attempt to
hide who you really are,

You should think of it as
an incredibly long acting job.

One that you are
really, really good at.

By Jove you're right.

I knew you were the right man
to bring in to talk me down.

Happy I could help.

- Robert.
- Yeah?

In medieval times, the
actual time period,

not the pseudo-restaurant
with the equine performers.

Soldiers would carry with them
into battle a piece of cloth

soaked in their woman's scent.

In its musk, they
found strength.

Hmm.

Fun, little, historical tidbit.

Oh.

Oh, okay. We're doing...

- Allow me.
- I don't know what this is.

That's...

No, it tickles.

Yes. You can go
deeper into the pits.

That tickles, I'm very ticklish.

Oh. Okay.

Now you shall be with me always.

Okay, fun. Good stuff.

Well... Oh, whoa, whoa, golly.

Where did that even come from?

Oh, okay.

Okay... I don't quite know

what we're doing here.

Is this a...

And now I shall
also be with you.

This is good. This
is really fun.

Look at the time. I better
get back down there.

Okay.

Let my essence
give you strength.

It definitely
giving me something.

- Blame the musk.
- Will do.

Hell of a weekend, Robbie.

- As always, Richie.
- Mm-hmm.

You know, it's kinda sad

watching Maury get
Kent's autograph.

Yeah, even sadder that Kent
asked him to pay for it.

Yeah, sadder, sadder,
that Maury actually paid.

Whoa, Mr. Fancy Pants.

What's this?

Oh no.

- Are you kidding me?
- No, put that back.

Is this a fan gift?

Yeah, you have no idea, Rich.

Wow.

- Oh, don't do that.
- What is that?

- No, don't do that.
- No, I know that smell.

Yeah, I bet you do.

No, seriously. I
recognize this.

Smells like a fox hunt.