King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 7, Episode 7 - The Texas Skilsaw Massacre - full transcript

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♪ Oh, when the Hank ♪

♪ Goes makes his eggs ♪

♪ Oh, when the Hank... ♪

Aw.

(yelling)

What the?

Dang cable company.

I told them I didn’t want
a hole in my wall.

This is what I get?



(screaming)

(screaming louder)

So, you found the tunnel.

Is this the hole
you were talking about?

Dale, what the hell
were you thinking

digging a tunnel
under my house?

You should be
flattered.

Think of it as a
two-way friendship tube.

I can escape
to your house

when the Feds
come a-knockin'

and you can slip
over to mine

when some jealous
husband comes
looking for you.

There will always be
husbands jealous of Hank

for marrying me.



There is no place
on Earth he can
hide from them.

No wonder I fell through...

my floor joists are missing.

Uh, is that
what that was?

I thought it was
underground driftwood.

I used it too reinforce
the walls of my tunnel.

Did you want me digging
in an unsafe tunnel?

Did ya, Hank?

Aw, it's going to take
a lot of hard work

to repair this floor.

And since this is
all your fault, mister

I'm not going
to let you help me.

Can I help?

Yes, Bobby.

I fall through
the floor

I'd say
on the average

about once a year.

So, fellas, I rented
a brand-new 6,000 RPM

high-torque circular saw.

Boomhauer...

How'd you like
to cut some wood?

Oh, man, you gonna
have to ask, man?

Dang ol...

Bill, you can be next,
then me

then Bobby,
and that's it.

But, no, wait.

Hey, Khan, you want
to try my new saw?

KHAN:
How many RPM?

6,000.

Nah.

Oh, here comes
the city inspector.

Bobby, get inside.

Are you the owner?

Yes, sir.

Hank R. Hill.

Just like it said
on my application

for a building permit.

Did you get my check
for six dollars?

Yes, along with
a transcript
of your grades

from high school
shop class.

Quite impressive.

I admire you for hiring
the mentally challenged.

Mr. Hill, you have

a serious problem here.

Without any floor joists

this house is unsafe
to inhabit.

What if we just stay
out of the kitchen?

I've got a fridge
in the garage...

a propane grill.

Oh, good,
problem solved.

Do I look like some jackass
from Power and Light?

No, sir.

And I ain't going
back there, either.

HANK:
Red tag?!

No, no, green tag.

Green tag!

You need to evacuate
the domicile immediately.

When can he
move back in?

(as to a child):
When all the repairs
have been made.

Would you boys like
a piece of hard candy?

Yes, yes, I would,
please like a piece of candy.

I'd like to see
these men in helmets.

I don't mind us
staying at grandpa’s

but I won't share a bed
with Baby G.H.

He always tries to suck
on my boobie.

Hank, Peggy...

Dale has something
he wants to ask you.

Uh... (mumbling)

Sug...

Look, Hank,
I dug a tunnel

you fell through it.

Mistakes were made
on both sides.

What do you say
you and yours

come and stay with
me and mine?

You can take
the tunnel over.

Thank you, but we’re
being taken in by family.

Hank, come on.

Dale drives me nuts
living next door.

There's a reason he and I
didn't get an apartment together

after high school.

Last time I stayed
at your father’s

he threw a grenade at me.

It was a practice
grenade, but still...

it was a very
hostile gesture.

(sighs)

All right.

Thanks, Dale.

Uh, we'll do it.

Strange bathroom,
no night-light.

I hope Mr. Gribble isn't
counting on 100% accuracy.

Well, sit if you have to.

I do.

When I have to.

MAN:
He's going for $100!

Dale, what do you
think you're doing?

Nancy won't let me watch
TV in the bedroom.

It keeps her up.

You've got
to see this.

They got a guy swallowing bees
for 100 bucks.

Dang it, Dale,
it's after 10:00 p.m.

Hank, you don’t want
to use that remote...

(explosion)

There goes the mailbox.

You have an exploding mailbox?

That was your mailbox.

And yes, I do.

My goodness.

It's like my own
little diner in here.

Well, somebody's
not getting a tip.

I'm exhausted.

2:00 a.m., Dale
wakes me up

to spot him while
lifts weights.

Peggy, the man
benches 35 pounds.

Hmm... wow, look at that chunk.

Ugh.

What's this?

Your welcome to sleep here
free of charge

but consumables are
another matter.

You'll see it's
all listed here.

Water, electricity,
two rolls of toilet paper.

I've had enough
of you, Dale.

I'll finish my shredded wheat
out at the construction site.

I want that bowl back!

Hank...

Did you use the towels

that were hanging
in the bathroom?

Those are just for
decoration.

Now they're ruined.

Dale, those
were paper towels.

And tell your wife
to answer the phone

"Gribble residence."
Not "hello."

Hey, you're not cutting
that board very straight.

Aren’t you supposed
to be inside the lines?

You're outside
the lines, see?

Oh, no.

Oh, my God.

(gasps)

(screaming)

I can't believe

I cut off my
best friend's finger.

And I just reread
that safety manual.

I don't understand
how this could have
happened, Hank.

I mean, I've been known
to do carpentry stone-drunk

but you’re normally
so careful around tools.

DALE:
He was careful,
all right.

Careful to make it look
like an accident.

You were getting back at me

for what I did
to your tacky linoleum floor.

That is not true.

I should have never
moved in with you.

I think we might have
a domestic abuse
situation here.

The big one's already
cuttle little one's
finger off.

It always happens to the
younger prettier ones.

If it were
up to you

you would have filled
my buddy tunnel with cement

so no one else
could use it.

Sir, do you wish
to press assault charges?

Assault charges?

Damn right I do.

Officer, take him away.

And see that his
human rights

are roundly violated.

Mr. Hill, Mr. Gribble
alleges

that you intentionally
severed his finger.

Your honor, it was an accident.

We're wasting valuable
legal resources here.

Objection. Conjecture.

Objecture.

That's not a word.

Mr. Hill, please
control your outbursts.

I am issuing
a restraining order.

You are not to go
within 100 feet

of Mr. Gribble.

What?! That is crazy.

I live within a hundred feet
of him.

How am I going
to fix the house
that he ruined?

You seem to have a serious
problem controlling your rage.

I'm sentencing you
to an anger management class.

Until you pass

the restraining order
remains in effect.

Anger management?

That's for guys
who spit on umpires.

I don't need that class.

You do if you ever want
to move back into your house.

Dale, you're lighting
your finger.

Oh. Thanks
for the heads up.

I still can't feel
anything in the digit.

What's that?

Dale has no feeling
in the finger you cut off.

Accidentally.

You know, if you want, Bill,
Boomhauer, one of you guys

can come stand over by me.

BILL:
I'll wait till you pass
that anger class.

You cut Dale's finger off
for digging a tunnel.

I once made a vest
out of your wife’s underpants.

I can't imagine
what you'd do to me.

Come on, I wouldn't hurt you.

You guys know I don't have
a problem with anger.

I have a problem with idiots.

Hold it
right there.

One more step

and you'll have to move

to a similar house
a few blocks away.

Not too pretty
a picture, is it?

Dang it.

(groans)

Oh, God, he's on
another rampage!

Pray for us all!

Let's give a nice,
calm anger management

welcome to Hank Hill,
our newest student.

(various greetings)

Hank cut his neighbor's finger
off with a saw

in a fit of rage.

No, no, no.

It was an accident.

My neighbor put his finger
in front of the blade.

Hank, my man

that's what we call
"blaming others."

It's not my fault
his finger was there.

It's not my fault
I ran a woman off the road

when she changed lanes
without signaling.

Hmm, right, Big Jim?

She had a cell phone
in one hand

and a Lands' End catalog
in the other.

Dirt bag got what
she deserves.

Next time, you want to call
someone a dirt bag

stop and picture that person
as a big bag of dirt.

Just a big

old bag of dirt
driving her SUV.

And you know what?

You'll have to pull over

'cause you'll have the giggles.

That's what we call

"silly humor."

Hank, you're not laughing.

At a bag of dirt?

What's funny about that?

Wow, you are just
a bundle of rage.

My goodness, if you
become angry

even in this
peaceful environment

you're on your way

to a massive heart attack
or stroke.

I'm not angry.

I am a little annoyed

I have to be stuck
in this stupid class

for the next
eight Saturdays.

Why don’t you pet
an imaginary cat.

Just... like... this.

Slow... and gentle...
and easy.

I call her Soothie.

Soothie the kitty.

Want to pet her?

I'll pass.

Come on, pet
Mr. Mellowpuss.

He says he doesn't
want to pet

the freakin'
invisible cat.

Leave him alone!

Thanks, buddy.

Then they tell me
if someone does
something stupid

I'm supposed to think
of a calming phrase

like, "Relax, Mr. Angry Slacks."

Or, "Cool it down,
grumpy clown."

You see, it's asinine.

Take it easy,
Parcheesi.

That is exactly
the kind of anger

that leads you
to cutting off
people's fingers.

Peggy, you of all people know
I didn't do that on purpose.

All right, Hank,
I wasn't there.

Now, isn't it possible
that somewhere

in your subconscious

you really wanted
to hurt Dale?

No! It's not
possible!

DIDI:
Hank has always
been angry.

When we were
in kindergarten

and the other children
would use the fingerpaints

he would pinch them.

You are a bald-faced liar!

Amen!

Now, I'm going to teach you
all a little dance.

The "Avoid-dance."

Who has a child who keeps
a messy room, hmm?

Next time you
walk by

Junior's messy room
shut the door.

Don't look at what
infuriates you.

Just do this little dance.

Shut the door...

shut the door, shut the door.

Come on Hank,
stand up

and do the Avoid-dance
with me.

Everyone join in!

Shut the door...

ALL:
Shut the door...

Big Jim, is there a reason
you're not shutting the door?

'Cause you're a pencil-neck,
who's got diarrhea of the mouth.

Okay, anger, anger.

Try silly humor.

Can you picture poo poo
coming out of my mouth?

No, but I can picture it coming
out of my butt.

Can I have a hall pass?

Of course.

Uh, I think I have to...
uh...

make, too.

Excuse me.

Can you believe
that bunk he's selling?

Don't ever get angry?

You turn
into the world's doormat.

Read your Bible.

God has a hell
of a temper.

You piss Him off,
you're up to your
ass in locusts.

Look at Him the wrong
way, pillar of salt.

He's one tough, two-fisted,
gin-joint bouncer

and He made us in
His image.

You know, that's the first thing
I've heard today

that's made any sense.

I know one thing...

that twig boy
can't flunk us

for being constipated
for an hour.

Let's grab a beer.

Thanks, but I need to spend
any spare time

repairing my house

before my idiot neighbor
gets home.

You know, I build dollhouse
furniture for a living.

Maybe I can help out.

Hank Rutherford Hill.

You are within 100 feet of me

and much as I like to scoff
at the law

I also like to
arbitrarily enforce it.

Skedaddle, boy.

We've got a tunnel to dig
under the alley.

What?

Yeah, it's going
to go

from Dale's house to my house
to Boomhauer's house.

Little three-way
friendship tube

and you ain't invited.

The only rules are

no spitting
and no cutting

other people's
fingers off.

You probably wouldn't
like it down there, Hank.

Yeah, man, talkin' 'bout
no dang ol' psychos
allowed, man.

Good God, you're
serious?!

The alley is city
property.

As block captain

I will come down on you

with the full
authority of my office.

And who the hell are you?

Hank, you know
Octavio.

He's my Gal Friday.

Does anything I want.

Now, you, scoot!

100 feet.

Move it.

You shut your god dang mouth,
or I'll shove that ditch witch

down your throat and
dig a tunnel straight

through
to sunshine!

That's telling him.

Felt good, too.

Back off, Hank, or Octavio
will mess you up.

Gribble, I don't care
if he stays or goes.

Where's the money
you owe me, esse?

You heard him.

Take the first
shot, Cochise!

I love two things:

Building dollhouse
furniture and kicking ass!

And I don't see no
dollhouses 'round here.

You see any
dollhouses, Hank?!

No, I don't!

No, you don't!
That's right!

What are you looking at, sport?!

Don't you
eyeball me!

Don’t you eyeball
a junkyard dog!

(barking)

Now you got
the dog barking!

Look, you got
it, you got it!

(barking)

(snarling)

Paramedics said he
got so worked up

he just stroked out.

It was a short period
of suffering

but probably fairly
intense.

Hank, that's exactly
what you look like
when you sleep.

Dang!

No more bouncing that ball!

I'm going
to kick your ass!

You're out of control!

Out of my way, rooster boy.

(yelling)

(grunting and yelping)

HANK:
That could be me
lying there.

It does not have to be, Hank.

You are taking a class
that gives you the tools

to handle your anger.

You love tools.
Go ahead and use them.

BARRY:
I know a lot of you thought

you wouldn't make it
to graduation

but you have.

Well, not all of you.

As much as it pains me,
I have to fail Big Jim.

I mean,
he died of anger.

My hands are tied.

It's diploma time.

Mr. Hill,
congratulations.

Uh, it says "Hink Hall."

You got the "l"
and the "A" mixed up.

This might make it difficult

for me to get
my restraining order lifted.

I'll bet that really steams
your beans, doesn't it "Hink?"

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Hey, you big chowder head,
you spelled my name wrong.

(chuckles)

You’re just a body with
a big bowl of soup on it.

Congrats, man

you passed
the final test.

Next up... Mr. Mangione.

"Chick" Mangione?

I'm not a chick;
I'm a dude!

DALE:
Beer cooler docking complete.

We have beer.

Deploy lips.

What the?

You actually
dug the dang tunnel?!

But I told you...

All right,
easy there, angry bear...

Is that Hank Hill?

You don't sound
100 feet away.

No, gentlemen,
you'll be happy to know

that I am certified
anger-free.

Now that the restraining order's
been lifted

what do you say you guys
take a break

from that dark tunnel,
and enjoy a cold beer

up here in the sunny alley.

DALE:
Don't waste time

talking to him.

We got to dig a place
to put our empties.

Uh, fellas, you might
want to get out of there.

You see, there's
a garbage truck coming.

They weigh about five tons

and your last tunnel
couldn't support me

on an empty stomach.

No time to gab, Hank.

We got bigger
fish to fry.

The game, gentlemen,
is Crazy Eights.

Come on, please. I'm serious!

Sorry, I don't
speak"Surface."

Okay, look.

My idiot friends
rented a ditch witch

and they're in the tunnel
under the alley.

So if you drive
over there

you'll probably
crush 'em to death.

Buddy, I used to be
just like you...

drinking, hanging
around alleys

making up stories
just to get attention.

Get it together.

Oh, gosh, dang it.

Pet the cat, pet the cat...

Come on, guys,
please get out of there.

Watch the anger.

You don’t want to end up
like Big Jim.

Remember? He's dead.

That's because Big Jim
had an anger problem.

This is different.

I have an idiot problem.

Uh, guys... come on, get out.

Get out, get out, get out!

If you don't get out
of that god'dang rathole now

I'll get my circular saw,
come down there

cut off all
your fingers and toes!

Now move! Move! Move!

Okay, Hank, now that
we're out of the tunnel

what is so damn
important?

Man, I got dang ol'
save coldest beer

for my man, talkin' 'bout,
man, I owe you one, man.

Thanks, Boomhauer.

BILL:
Hank, I cleaned
all those

Whataburger wrappers
off my lawn

just like you
told me to.

It’s just my little
way of saying thank you

for losing your temper.

And to show you that
we're best buds again

I'm going to connect our
houses with a rope bridge.

Sh-sha!

HANK:
Dale!

Wait, here's the fun part.

A-yah zip!

Well, you get the idea.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access. Wgbh. Org

BILL:
Yes, es, I would please like
a piece of candy!