King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 7, Episode 14 - Board Games - full transcript
Tension erupts between Peggy, Minh and Nancy when a seat opens on the school board and each of the women announces their intention to run.
You know what?
This is just
the right pace.
Especially
after our last outing.
Two Piña Coladas in Minh
and she starts talking
about stealing a car.
(giggles)
Dark rum make me crazy.
(giggles)
(speaking Laotian)
What did she say?
She think your
feet lovely
and it an honor
to work on them.
(groans)
Now where in the heck
did I park my... this way.
My memory trick
is usually fail-safe.
When we got out of the car
I associated the parking section
with William Shakespeare.
So, naturally, the car
should be parked in "2B,"
unless I was thinking
of "not 2B."
(Gus laughing)
Will you look
at those delinquents,
horsing around
with those shopping carts?
I bet they're...
Oh, my God, it's Bobby.
(ells)
(laughing):
Oh, man.
Bobby?
Joseph.
This is what you are doing
in your after-school program?
Program was shut down, dude...
budget cuts.
So we're playing
shopping cart chicken.
Hey, we can get them to push us.
No after-school program?
Now who Connie
gonna tutor?
Bums in rail yard?
This is ridiculous.
Our kids should be enriching
their minds,
not using a parking lot
as a playground.
Something has got to be done.
The people who canceled
that after-school program
are going to wish
we never found our car.
Where is that frickin' thing?
NANCY:
We have a real issue here.
That after-school program
is important.
Absolutely.
Our kids get out of school
in the middle of the day
when they air
all those sex and drug-filled
after-school specials.
Oh, Peggy, let's take this
to the school board tomorrow.
They're not going
to know what hit 'em!
Well, I got to tell you,
your initiative is
really impressing me.
And not just
because you're ladies.
Okay, girls, hands
in the middle, let's go.
"For the children," on three.
Ready?
One, two, three...
ALL:
For the children!
For me!
Oh, I bet this must be very
exciting for you, Minh.
Where you're from,
you probably
didn't have the freedom
to criticize your government.
Why would I criticize
government in Laos?
My father was general.
I do what I want.
I was peasant's
worst nightmare.
Thank you, Mrs. Chapman.
Your request to ban
sections "F" and "S"
from the library dictionary
has been noted.
Okay, everybody have
their talking points?
Yeah.
Oh, one little thing though,
Peggy Hill.
Keep it short.
Sometimes you go on
and on and on.
I find it charming, but you
might lose other people.
Good advice.
And you probably should not
call anyone "hillbilly."
Or redneck.
Or dumb monkey.
Check.
Well, I guess that does it
for tonight’s meeting.
Nice work.
Excuse me.
Peggy Hill and the coalition
to save the after-school program
at Tom Landry.
Sorry, Mrs. Hill, but these
meetings last from 6:00 to 8:00
and it is now...
8:00.
Oh, great.
Now, Connie gonna end up
smashing carts
like brain-dead delinquents.
No offense.
None taken.
I wasn't even listening.
Now, here's the game plan.
We take things
to the next level.
New T-shirts?
(chuckles):
No.
Sweatshirts?
Not yet.
What we have to do is get
on the school board.
There is a seat open
and an election coming up.
Do you really think
we can win an election?
I know we can.
You know, the turnout
in these things
is always very low.
The secret is to find a group
of voters that feels overlooked.
Then look at them.
And I can get votes
from Laotian community.
I give $5.00 tip
on French manicure.
I'm the Lady Di.
Well, I warned the folks
over at Shady Pines Trailer Park
about that tornado.
They were so grateful they're
still naming dogs after me.
Great.
We've got pockets of votes
in the Laotian community
and in the trailer parks.
Then I score county-wide with
my two-year teaching degree.
NANCY:
I wonder which one
of us should run.
I mean, Peggy's
a ball of fire
and Minh, she's
smart as a whip.
Either way, our kids
are in such good hands.
198, 199...
Hey, these are supposed to be
200-thread count sheets.
Damn Egyptians.
But, Minh, three women
can’t fill one position.
This school board seat,
not Boomhauer's hot tub.
Well, when you think about it,
I'm most logical choice.
My daughter a proven genius,
plus my perfectly
symmetrical face
is pleasing to voters
and inspires trust.
And it sure would be nice to
finally get a Laotian in power.
We got to eat
their fish on Friday,
they gonna eat our rice
noodles on Wednesday...
for breakfast.
You've got the most
school-related experience,
the best interpersonal skills
and a smile
that lights up a room.
Yep, Peggy, I got to say, I
agree with all your reasons
why you should be the one
to run for school board.
Well, thank you, Hank,
but let's not lose sight
of why I'm doing this.
It's for the children.
Now, I'm not saying
Minh hates children,
but I really love children.
They are three out of the five
points in my five-point plan.
I haven't quite figured
out the other two yet.
I'm thinking something
about America.
Wow, dynamite.
Even though Dale
says Principal Moss
may try to assassinate us
I think this is going
to be nothing but fun.
I can't wait to get started.
I have so many ideas,
I couldn’t sleep all night.
So I make pecan sandies.
I appreciate
your enthusiasm.
Now, it's obvious who
our candidate should be,
but it would be presumptuous of
me to do the nominating, so...
I'm not sure
how obvious it is.
Oh, you mean me?
(gasps)
Well, I'm not sure
I'm the person for the job.
Well, somebody got
to do it for the children
and if no one else
wants to run...
No one?
(gasping):
Five points!
(coughing)
All in favor of me?
Well...
Thank you, Peggy.
Nancy?
Well, since Peggy's
okay with it.
Okay then, done deal.
Oh.
Hold on.
Not that I want the job
or anything, but...
Then don't sweat it.
Oh, and I wouldn't
drink from there.
Doggy has a cold.
(sneezes)
PEGGY:
And I can't help
but think that Minh
did it on purpose.
Those pecan sandies
were astonishingly dry.
Come on, Peggy,
they're not shy people.
If Minh wanted to choke you,
she would have just reached over
and done it with her hands.
I will give her that.
You know, Peggy, you could still
be the power behind the scenes.
Just like that little fellow
in the Wizard of Oz.
Yeah, yeah.
You're right.
And maybe next election,
I can run another candidate.
Then another.
Before you know it,
I'll be running the entire city
from my bathtub.
Mrs. Soup
and Mrs. Gribble
are waiting
in the living room.
Here's breakfast.
And I typed up the monologues
from Leno and Letterman.
Good work.
Now, I need you to highlight
last weeks Doonesburys
and tell me
why they're funny.
Peggy, are we
out of butter?
It's behind the cottage cheese.
Behind the cottage cheese.
Okay, people, I'm glad
to see you're all here.
Now, let's...
(phone rings)
War room.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Thank you.
That was Bobby.
He was testing the line.
It works.
Okay, first off, we're going
to need to make some signs.
Oh, we’re just about
done making signs, sug.
PEGGY:
"Minh to win."
I don't get it.
What not to get?
I'm Minh.
I want to win.
Hmm. Maybe we should
focus group that.
Nope, no go.
Women 18 to 45
will be turned off.
Here's what we're going to do.
You know what would be
a big help, Peggy Hill?
Starbucks run.
Oh, I'll have
a Frappuccino.
BOBBY:
Bag of madeleines.
I'm all for Minh
running for office,
but she better not
take my guns away.
She's running
for the school board.
Then she better not take
Joseph's guns away.
Well, I'm not crazy
about making holes in my lawn
but I guess it's
for the children.
You know, my lawn
is already dead,
maybe we could put
all the signs there.
No offense, Bill, but this
campaign is about hope.
Oh. Right.
I'm not saying you have to use
the moment of silence to pray.
The kids who don't believe
in God can just sit quietly
and smirk about how they've
got it all figured out.
(smattering of applause)
Thank you, Mrs. Chapman.
The next question is for Minh...
Sou-vnifnin-phone.
Hello, everybody.
And to my Laotian friends,
sabaai-dii.
Yeah, you been talking
about keeping
the after-school program going.
I think I hear the sound
of my property taxes going up.
And you fat cats with
your pie-in-the-sky programs
and your free
prescription drugs.
No, no, no.
That's not me.
I do not want to increase taxes.
Yeah, sure,
you'd love it.
No, no.
You not listening, Jethro.
Oh, this is ugly.
Someone has to stop
the bleeding.
What my candidate
is trying to say
is that we will cut the fat
and leave the muscle.
I know what I'm
trying to say.
It's what I just say.
Please bear with my candidate.
Obviously, English is
not her first language.
But how about a hand
for her courage?
Oh, you crazy?
Get out of here.
The thing to remember, people,
is that you are not going
to have to tighten your belts
because we are going
to fix the pants!
Give me that.
You need me.
Fix the pants!
Uh, can I ask the candidate
a question?
What are you going to do
to raise educational standards?
MAN:
Without raising taxes.
MAN 2:
Fat cats!
Let's see how you
handle this one.
We all concerned about
educational standards
and I tell you where the
problem is... the teachers.
Did you know
our school system
require only two-year degree
to be substitute
teacher?
MAN:
Is that true?
So you want to know
how I raise standards
without raising taxes?
I tell you after I
look into your hearts
and you look
into mine.
No teacher, full-time
or substitute
can teach our kids
without having
a four-year college degree.
(cheering)
MAN:
That's exactly what I
needed to hear today.
Wait.
I only have a two-year degree.
Pants!
Children!
America!
(applause and cheering
continue)
PEGGY:
She's taking teaching
away from me.
That's my life.
How dare she?
I groomed her,
I taught her everything
and she has the nerve
to stab me in the back.
That is just not done
in politics, Hank.
There's no way I'm going
back to college.
I'm a teacher.
I'm done learning.
Can you believe
that woman?
I'm real sorry
what happened to you, sug,
but the important thing
is to keep the after-school
program alive, right?
The what?
Oh, yeah, of course.
For the children, but can we
really trust Minh to deliver?
I mean, come on,
this is a woman who makes
dumb blonde jokes
behind your back.
Minh makes dumb blonde jokes
behind my back?
Hey, don't drag me into
your little cat fight.
I just came over to save
the after-school program.
Oh, that witch!
Here's what
I'm thinking:
We dig up some
dirt on Minh,
and you do an exposé
on the local news.
Then, after her support
is totally gone,
I jump into the race
(yelling):
And give that freakin' dog
the beating of her life!
Well, I don't know.
That kind of reporting
isn't really my arena.
Nancy, how much
longer do you think
you can milk this sexy
"weather girl" act?
Two, three...
two years tops?
This is your chance
to be taken seriously.
Get on the air
and deliver the
biggest news flash
of your career...
"Peggy Hill is running
for school board!"
Well, I do want
to be taken seriously,
and I have some ideas...
Oh, honey,
I'm sure you do.
It’s just that no one
ever listens to me...
Okay, okay. We have to
think constructively
and get emotional
about this.
Now, how do we
destroy Minh?
Oh, there she is.
(tightly):
Smile and wave.
Smile and wave.
I bury you.
NANCY:
What are they
saying, Dale?
Kahn is asking Minh
to pass the potatoes.
Oh, come on!
I need something
juicier than that!
I tried to slip
in their house as a paperboy,
but Mr. Souphanousinphone
recognized me.
But I grabbed their garbage.
Huh. Look who's too good
to hang onto a Sizzler coupon.
What do we have here?
Come to Mama.
NANCY (on TV):
And that cold front
looks like
it wants to stay put
right through the weekend.
So while there might be
a "spring" in your step,
there's none in the forecast.
Mu bien, Nancy.
Just how much fun
is a barrel of monkeys?
Well, two radio DJs...
And Miguel,
here's some advice
on the upcoming
school board election.
I'd think again if
you're planning
on voting for Minh
Souphanousinphone.
I don't think these are
the kinds
of pay-per-view programs
that a friend of the children
should be watching.
(Kahn screams)
I told you,
Minh, but no!
You just had to see
"Hobos Boxing."
...no grasp on finances.
Oh, yeah!
Fortunately,
there is an alternative.
I know someone who'd
be perfect for the job.
She's a dedicated parent,
she's smart,
and she's more than
just a pretty face.
She's me!
Nancy Hicks-Gribble!
Pick Hicks!
What?!
NANCY:
And if elected...
Oh, well.
...to turn
Arlen's schools into...
Wait! I'm running, too!
Peggy Hill for school board!
(groans)
PEGGY:
These are my people!
They want to hear me speak!
Arlen!
Peggy, do I have these
in the right order?
You better.
Here comes someone.
Big smiles!
Oh, it's only Kahn.
Ow, ow, ow!
(singsong):
Go to hell.
Phase two complete!
Van rented,
ready to pick up constituents
and sweep election!
Phase three... ha.
A victory dance!
(singing merrily)
You rent minivan?
What you thinking?!
Minivan seats seven people.
I need 15 to swing election.
How much Peggy Hill
paying you to be jackass?
Something's wrong
with the bug.
I can't hear a thing,
but I see they have a new van.
I bet they're using it
to bus their constituents
to the polling place!
DALE (over microphone):
Well, we'll out van them,
but we’ll keep ours
in the garage.
They'll never see it coming.
Idiots!
(Dale laughing)
Why isn't this working?
I rewired it myself.
You better
get out of here, Gribble!
I am this close
to kicking your ass!
No one threatens me.
I am this close to kicking
our ass!
Oh, yeah?
Well, now I'm this close
to kicking your ass!
Let's settle this like men.
Hank, whose fingers
are closer?
Whoa, whoa.
Just because our wives
are at each other's throats
doesn't mean we have to be.
Oh, easy for you to say.
Your wife a loser.
Now, now, Kahn,
maybe Hank's right.
I say we let bygones be...
(ells)
Sneak attack! I win!
I'm so hungry and tired
I messed up the last 50 buttons.
Bobby's out, Hank's in.
Fine. When are we
having dinner?
It's 9:15.
(groans)
Fine. Here's $10. Go.
(grunts)
DALE:
All right, Joseph, easy.
Easy.
Joseph, stop! The sign!
(clattering)
So, they have a van.
Okay, Hank,
Minh has her support here.
I'll concede Little Laos to her.
Nancy's support is...
well, she's been blathering
about all the dogs
named after her
in this trailer park.
Which leaves...
all of this... for me.
Hank
we're going to need
a bus.
We're not spending
money to rent a bus.
(yelling):
It's for the
freakin' children!
Hank, the phone poll numbers
are not good.
The projections show Nancy
with four votes,
Minh also with four votes,
and Peggy Hill... zero.
Now, I can increase my margin
of error to five votes,
but even then, I am just winning
by the skin of my teeth.
Well, when people see
that flyer you put
in the Penny Saver...
That doesn't come out
until after election day!
Now, I need
to motivate my base...
the hard-core constituents
who would fight and die for me.
Hank, you have
to make me a base!
Call your customers!
Uh, I don't really
think I should mix
politics and propane.
People's passions
run pretty high
about both of those.
Hank, I cannot allow myself
to be beaten by Nancy or Minh!
I could never show my face
in this neighborhood again!
I know, but with your
numbers being zero and all,
maybe you should
just prepare
a concession speech.
What?!
You want me to concede
to those two?!
Hank, you're out!
Peggy, you're in!
I'm no weather bimbo, but
forecast looking cloudy
for you to win!
Just because I'm beautiful
doesn't mean I'm harmless, sug.
Have you ever wondered
what happened
to the weather caster
before me?
DALE:
♪ It's the voting van ♪
♪ Yes, the voting van is here ♪
♪ It's the voting van ♪
♪ To take you
to the polling place ♪
♪ So let's all get on the van
right now ♪
♪ And vote
for Nancy Hicks-Gribble ♪
♪ For school board. ♪
Hey, there, friend.
Ah! Oh, uh, I'm here
for the voters.
Votin' truck already
done come and took 'em.
But... but I'm the one
who was supposed to have done
come and took 'em.
Hang on there, mister.
I want to talk to you
about that fancy hat
you got on your head there.
Uh, but I don’t want to talk
about my fancy hat.
(screaming)
(grunting)
Son-of-a-bitch!
(Dale whimpering)
(honking)
Hello, election bus here!
Somebody!
Down, Nancy.
Hey, driver, when are we
getting to the polls?
Never.
I cannot
believe we lost
to that Chapman
looney.
Yeah, not only that,
it say there
she's getting rid
of after-school program.
And biology and all
"offensive" encyclopedias,
whatever that means.
I guess we kind of
burnt the toast on this one.
(all sighing)
Hey, she only got 18 votes.
I hijacked twice as many of
your voters on my bus yesterday.
We could have crushed her!
Yeah,
into fine powder.
BOBBY:
Ow, my eye!
JOSEPH:
Cool!
Maybe we should
spend some time
with the kids today.
We could be
their after-school program.
Maybe we take them to...
A museum.
Or the zoo.
Which is a museum
of animals.
PEGGY:
It's for
the freakin'children!
This is just
the right pace.
Especially
after our last outing.
Two Piña Coladas in Minh
and she starts talking
about stealing a car.
(giggles)
Dark rum make me crazy.
(giggles)
(speaking Laotian)
What did she say?
She think your
feet lovely
and it an honor
to work on them.
(groans)
Now where in the heck
did I park my... this way.
My memory trick
is usually fail-safe.
When we got out of the car
I associated the parking section
with William Shakespeare.
So, naturally, the car
should be parked in "2B,"
unless I was thinking
of "not 2B."
(Gus laughing)
Will you look
at those delinquents,
horsing around
with those shopping carts?
I bet they're...
Oh, my God, it's Bobby.
(ells)
(laughing):
Oh, man.
Bobby?
Joseph.
This is what you are doing
in your after-school program?
Program was shut down, dude...
budget cuts.
So we're playing
shopping cart chicken.
Hey, we can get them to push us.
No after-school program?
Now who Connie
gonna tutor?
Bums in rail yard?
This is ridiculous.
Our kids should be enriching
their minds,
not using a parking lot
as a playground.
Something has got to be done.
The people who canceled
that after-school program
are going to wish
we never found our car.
Where is that frickin' thing?
NANCY:
We have a real issue here.
That after-school program
is important.
Absolutely.
Our kids get out of school
in the middle of the day
when they air
all those sex and drug-filled
after-school specials.
Oh, Peggy, let's take this
to the school board tomorrow.
They're not going
to know what hit 'em!
Well, I got to tell you,
your initiative is
really impressing me.
And not just
because you're ladies.
Okay, girls, hands
in the middle, let's go.
"For the children," on three.
Ready?
One, two, three...
ALL:
For the children!
For me!
Oh, I bet this must be very
exciting for you, Minh.
Where you're from,
you probably
didn't have the freedom
to criticize your government.
Why would I criticize
government in Laos?
My father was general.
I do what I want.
I was peasant's
worst nightmare.
Thank you, Mrs. Chapman.
Your request to ban
sections "F" and "S"
from the library dictionary
has been noted.
Okay, everybody have
their talking points?
Yeah.
Oh, one little thing though,
Peggy Hill.
Keep it short.
Sometimes you go on
and on and on.
I find it charming, but you
might lose other people.
Good advice.
And you probably should not
call anyone "hillbilly."
Or redneck.
Or dumb monkey.
Check.
Well, I guess that does it
for tonight’s meeting.
Nice work.
Excuse me.
Peggy Hill and the coalition
to save the after-school program
at Tom Landry.
Sorry, Mrs. Hill, but these
meetings last from 6:00 to 8:00
and it is now...
8:00.
Oh, great.
Now, Connie gonna end up
smashing carts
like brain-dead delinquents.
No offense.
None taken.
I wasn't even listening.
Now, here's the game plan.
We take things
to the next level.
New T-shirts?
(chuckles):
No.
Sweatshirts?
Not yet.
What we have to do is get
on the school board.
There is a seat open
and an election coming up.
Do you really think
we can win an election?
I know we can.
You know, the turnout
in these things
is always very low.
The secret is to find a group
of voters that feels overlooked.
Then look at them.
And I can get votes
from Laotian community.
I give $5.00 tip
on French manicure.
I'm the Lady Di.
Well, I warned the folks
over at Shady Pines Trailer Park
about that tornado.
They were so grateful they're
still naming dogs after me.
Great.
We've got pockets of votes
in the Laotian community
and in the trailer parks.
Then I score county-wide with
my two-year teaching degree.
NANCY:
I wonder which one
of us should run.
I mean, Peggy's
a ball of fire
and Minh, she's
smart as a whip.
Either way, our kids
are in such good hands.
198, 199...
Hey, these are supposed to be
200-thread count sheets.
Damn Egyptians.
But, Minh, three women
can’t fill one position.
This school board seat,
not Boomhauer's hot tub.
Well, when you think about it,
I'm most logical choice.
My daughter a proven genius,
plus my perfectly
symmetrical face
is pleasing to voters
and inspires trust.
And it sure would be nice to
finally get a Laotian in power.
We got to eat
their fish on Friday,
they gonna eat our rice
noodles on Wednesday...
for breakfast.
You've got the most
school-related experience,
the best interpersonal skills
and a smile
that lights up a room.
Yep, Peggy, I got to say, I
agree with all your reasons
why you should be the one
to run for school board.
Well, thank you, Hank,
but let's not lose sight
of why I'm doing this.
It's for the children.
Now, I'm not saying
Minh hates children,
but I really love children.
They are three out of the five
points in my five-point plan.
I haven't quite figured
out the other two yet.
I'm thinking something
about America.
Wow, dynamite.
Even though Dale
says Principal Moss
may try to assassinate us
I think this is going
to be nothing but fun.
I can't wait to get started.
I have so many ideas,
I couldn’t sleep all night.
So I make pecan sandies.
I appreciate
your enthusiasm.
Now, it's obvious who
our candidate should be,
but it would be presumptuous of
me to do the nominating, so...
I'm not sure
how obvious it is.
Oh, you mean me?
(gasps)
Well, I'm not sure
I'm the person for the job.
Well, somebody got
to do it for the children
and if no one else
wants to run...
No one?
(gasping):
Five points!
(coughing)
All in favor of me?
Well...
Thank you, Peggy.
Nancy?
Well, since Peggy's
okay with it.
Okay then, done deal.
Oh.
Hold on.
Not that I want the job
or anything, but...
Then don't sweat it.
Oh, and I wouldn't
drink from there.
Doggy has a cold.
(sneezes)
PEGGY:
And I can't help
but think that Minh
did it on purpose.
Those pecan sandies
were astonishingly dry.
Come on, Peggy,
they're not shy people.
If Minh wanted to choke you,
she would have just reached over
and done it with her hands.
I will give her that.
You know, Peggy, you could still
be the power behind the scenes.
Just like that little fellow
in the Wizard of Oz.
Yeah, yeah.
You're right.
And maybe next election,
I can run another candidate.
Then another.
Before you know it,
I'll be running the entire city
from my bathtub.
Mrs. Soup
and Mrs. Gribble
are waiting
in the living room.
Here's breakfast.
And I typed up the monologues
from Leno and Letterman.
Good work.
Now, I need you to highlight
last weeks Doonesburys
and tell me
why they're funny.
Peggy, are we
out of butter?
It's behind the cottage cheese.
Behind the cottage cheese.
Okay, people, I'm glad
to see you're all here.
Now, let's...
(phone rings)
War room.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Thank you.
That was Bobby.
He was testing the line.
It works.
Okay, first off, we're going
to need to make some signs.
Oh, we’re just about
done making signs, sug.
PEGGY:
"Minh to win."
I don't get it.
What not to get?
I'm Minh.
I want to win.
Hmm. Maybe we should
focus group that.
Nope, no go.
Women 18 to 45
will be turned off.
Here's what we're going to do.
You know what would be
a big help, Peggy Hill?
Starbucks run.
Oh, I'll have
a Frappuccino.
BOBBY:
Bag of madeleines.
I'm all for Minh
running for office,
but she better not
take my guns away.
She's running
for the school board.
Then she better not take
Joseph's guns away.
Well, I'm not crazy
about making holes in my lawn
but I guess it's
for the children.
You know, my lawn
is already dead,
maybe we could put
all the signs there.
No offense, Bill, but this
campaign is about hope.
Oh. Right.
I'm not saying you have to use
the moment of silence to pray.
The kids who don't believe
in God can just sit quietly
and smirk about how they've
got it all figured out.
(smattering of applause)
Thank you, Mrs. Chapman.
The next question is for Minh...
Sou-vnifnin-phone.
Hello, everybody.
And to my Laotian friends,
sabaai-dii.
Yeah, you been talking
about keeping
the after-school program going.
I think I hear the sound
of my property taxes going up.
And you fat cats with
your pie-in-the-sky programs
and your free
prescription drugs.
No, no, no.
That's not me.
I do not want to increase taxes.
Yeah, sure,
you'd love it.
No, no.
You not listening, Jethro.
Oh, this is ugly.
Someone has to stop
the bleeding.
What my candidate
is trying to say
is that we will cut the fat
and leave the muscle.
I know what I'm
trying to say.
It's what I just say.
Please bear with my candidate.
Obviously, English is
not her first language.
But how about a hand
for her courage?
Oh, you crazy?
Get out of here.
The thing to remember, people,
is that you are not going
to have to tighten your belts
because we are going
to fix the pants!
Give me that.
You need me.
Fix the pants!
Uh, can I ask the candidate
a question?
What are you going to do
to raise educational standards?
MAN:
Without raising taxes.
MAN 2:
Fat cats!
Let's see how you
handle this one.
We all concerned about
educational standards
and I tell you where the
problem is... the teachers.
Did you know
our school system
require only two-year degree
to be substitute
teacher?
MAN:
Is that true?
So you want to know
how I raise standards
without raising taxes?
I tell you after I
look into your hearts
and you look
into mine.
No teacher, full-time
or substitute
can teach our kids
without having
a four-year college degree.
(cheering)
MAN:
That's exactly what I
needed to hear today.
Wait.
I only have a two-year degree.
Pants!
Children!
America!
(applause and cheering
continue)
PEGGY:
She's taking teaching
away from me.
That's my life.
How dare she?
I groomed her,
I taught her everything
and she has the nerve
to stab me in the back.
That is just not done
in politics, Hank.
There's no way I'm going
back to college.
I'm a teacher.
I'm done learning.
Can you believe
that woman?
I'm real sorry
what happened to you, sug,
but the important thing
is to keep the after-school
program alive, right?
The what?
Oh, yeah, of course.
For the children, but can we
really trust Minh to deliver?
I mean, come on,
this is a woman who makes
dumb blonde jokes
behind your back.
Minh makes dumb blonde jokes
behind my back?
Hey, don't drag me into
your little cat fight.
I just came over to save
the after-school program.
Oh, that witch!
Here's what
I'm thinking:
We dig up some
dirt on Minh,
and you do an exposé
on the local news.
Then, after her support
is totally gone,
I jump into the race
(yelling):
And give that freakin' dog
the beating of her life!
Well, I don't know.
That kind of reporting
isn't really my arena.
Nancy, how much
longer do you think
you can milk this sexy
"weather girl" act?
Two, three...
two years tops?
This is your chance
to be taken seriously.
Get on the air
and deliver the
biggest news flash
of your career...
"Peggy Hill is running
for school board!"
Well, I do want
to be taken seriously,
and I have some ideas...
Oh, honey,
I'm sure you do.
It’s just that no one
ever listens to me...
Okay, okay. We have to
think constructively
and get emotional
about this.
Now, how do we
destroy Minh?
Oh, there she is.
(tightly):
Smile and wave.
Smile and wave.
I bury you.
NANCY:
What are they
saying, Dale?
Kahn is asking Minh
to pass the potatoes.
Oh, come on!
I need something
juicier than that!
I tried to slip
in their house as a paperboy,
but Mr. Souphanousinphone
recognized me.
But I grabbed their garbage.
Huh. Look who's too good
to hang onto a Sizzler coupon.
What do we have here?
Come to Mama.
NANCY (on TV):
And that cold front
looks like
it wants to stay put
right through the weekend.
So while there might be
a "spring" in your step,
there's none in the forecast.
Mu bien, Nancy.
Just how much fun
is a barrel of monkeys?
Well, two radio DJs...
And Miguel,
here's some advice
on the upcoming
school board election.
I'd think again if
you're planning
on voting for Minh
Souphanousinphone.
I don't think these are
the kinds
of pay-per-view programs
that a friend of the children
should be watching.
(Kahn screams)
I told you,
Minh, but no!
You just had to see
"Hobos Boxing."
...no grasp on finances.
Oh, yeah!
Fortunately,
there is an alternative.
I know someone who'd
be perfect for the job.
She's a dedicated parent,
she's smart,
and she's more than
just a pretty face.
She's me!
Nancy Hicks-Gribble!
Pick Hicks!
What?!
NANCY:
And if elected...
Oh, well.
...to turn
Arlen's schools into...
Wait! I'm running, too!
Peggy Hill for school board!
(groans)
PEGGY:
These are my people!
They want to hear me speak!
Arlen!
Peggy, do I have these
in the right order?
You better.
Here comes someone.
Big smiles!
Oh, it's only Kahn.
Ow, ow, ow!
(singsong):
Go to hell.
Phase two complete!
Van rented,
ready to pick up constituents
and sweep election!
Phase three... ha.
A victory dance!
(singing merrily)
You rent minivan?
What you thinking?!
Minivan seats seven people.
I need 15 to swing election.
How much Peggy Hill
paying you to be jackass?
Something's wrong
with the bug.
I can't hear a thing,
but I see they have a new van.
I bet they're using it
to bus their constituents
to the polling place!
DALE (over microphone):
Well, we'll out van them,
but we’ll keep ours
in the garage.
They'll never see it coming.
Idiots!
(Dale laughing)
Why isn't this working?
I rewired it myself.
You better
get out of here, Gribble!
I am this close
to kicking your ass!
No one threatens me.
I am this close to kicking
our ass!
Oh, yeah?
Well, now I'm this close
to kicking your ass!
Let's settle this like men.
Hank, whose fingers
are closer?
Whoa, whoa.
Just because our wives
are at each other's throats
doesn't mean we have to be.
Oh, easy for you to say.
Your wife a loser.
Now, now, Kahn,
maybe Hank's right.
I say we let bygones be...
(ells)
Sneak attack! I win!
I'm so hungry and tired
I messed up the last 50 buttons.
Bobby's out, Hank's in.
Fine. When are we
having dinner?
It's 9:15.
(groans)
Fine. Here's $10. Go.
(grunts)
DALE:
All right, Joseph, easy.
Easy.
Joseph, stop! The sign!
(clattering)
So, they have a van.
Okay, Hank,
Minh has her support here.
I'll concede Little Laos to her.
Nancy's support is...
well, she's been blathering
about all the dogs
named after her
in this trailer park.
Which leaves...
all of this... for me.
Hank
we're going to need
a bus.
We're not spending
money to rent a bus.
(yelling):
It's for the
freakin' children!
Hank, the phone poll numbers
are not good.
The projections show Nancy
with four votes,
Minh also with four votes,
and Peggy Hill... zero.
Now, I can increase my margin
of error to five votes,
but even then, I am just winning
by the skin of my teeth.
Well, when people see
that flyer you put
in the Penny Saver...
That doesn't come out
until after election day!
Now, I need
to motivate my base...
the hard-core constituents
who would fight and die for me.
Hank, you have
to make me a base!
Call your customers!
Uh, I don't really
think I should mix
politics and propane.
People's passions
run pretty high
about both of those.
Hank, I cannot allow myself
to be beaten by Nancy or Minh!
I could never show my face
in this neighborhood again!
I know, but with your
numbers being zero and all,
maybe you should
just prepare
a concession speech.
What?!
You want me to concede
to those two?!
Hank, you're out!
Peggy, you're in!
I'm no weather bimbo, but
forecast looking cloudy
for you to win!
Just because I'm beautiful
doesn't mean I'm harmless, sug.
Have you ever wondered
what happened
to the weather caster
before me?
DALE:
♪ It's the voting van ♪
♪ Yes, the voting van is here ♪
♪ It's the voting van ♪
♪ To take you
to the polling place ♪
♪ So let's all get on the van
right now ♪
♪ And vote
for Nancy Hicks-Gribble ♪
♪ For school board. ♪
Hey, there, friend.
Ah! Oh, uh, I'm here
for the voters.
Votin' truck already
done come and took 'em.
But... but I'm the one
who was supposed to have done
come and took 'em.
Hang on there, mister.
I want to talk to you
about that fancy hat
you got on your head there.
Uh, but I don’t want to talk
about my fancy hat.
(screaming)
(grunting)
Son-of-a-bitch!
(Dale whimpering)
(honking)
Hello, election bus here!
Somebody!
Down, Nancy.
Hey, driver, when are we
getting to the polls?
Never.
I cannot
believe we lost
to that Chapman
looney.
Yeah, not only that,
it say there
she's getting rid
of after-school program.
And biology and all
"offensive" encyclopedias,
whatever that means.
I guess we kind of
burnt the toast on this one.
(all sighing)
Hey, she only got 18 votes.
I hijacked twice as many of
your voters on my bus yesterday.
We could have crushed her!
Yeah,
into fine powder.
BOBBY:
Ow, my eye!
JOSEPH:
Cool!
Maybe we should
spend some time
with the kids today.
We could be
their after-school program.
Maybe we take them to...
A museum.
Or the zoo.
Which is a museum
of animals.
PEGGY:
It's for
the freakin'children!