King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 7, Episode 10 - Megalo Dale - full transcript

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If I wasn't stealing

so much beer
from this place

I'd totally quit.

Yeah, we should build
our own MegaloMart.

Call it, like... CooloMart.

Blue vest, incoming.

(workers chanting):
Who's the lowest?

We're the lowest!

Megalo-team!



Megalo-fun!
Megalo-sucks.

Exercises, huh?

I got to tell you, Norm

when MegaloMart
first came to town

I hated it, but
I got to admit

I like buying my hammers
and pants at the same store

so I can see how
they look together.

Glad we won you over, Hank.

Since you been handling
our propane

I don't have
to spend time checking

to see if the tanks
are really filled.

That's why I call you
"Full Tank Hank," Hank.

Well, that's catchy.

(chanting):
Who's the lowest?



We're the lowest.

Megalo-team.

Who's the lowest?

We're the lowest...

By the way,
we got another shipment

of those culottes
your wife likes.

Just remember,
a Chinese large is a medium.

Well, Peggy loves
her culottes.

Dang it.

Just between you and me

we got a little rat
infestation here.

Hank, you're tapped in,
and I can trust you.

You know a good exterminator?

Someone who's discreet
but can get the job done?

No.

Yep.

Yup.

Ant!

(grunts)

Got him.

You owe me five bucks.

No way.

Come on, Bill,
I need the money.

That damned
new Pest Pro franchise

has been taking
all my business.

If I could
just get one

good job,
I'd be back on my feet.

Hey, Boomhauer, you any
closer to getting married?

Dang ol'... huh?

I heard
down at the chemical warehouse

that MegaloMart's taking bids
for a rat problem.

Man, that would be
a sweet gig.

I could start paying
for Nancy's health insurance

instead of just telling Nancy
I'm paying for it.

(sighing)

All right, Dale,
I can see you need the work

and I know the manager
at MegaloMart.

But be careful.

This is a very big client
for me.

All right, Hank!

Hi, I'm Chuck Mangione

and at MegaloMart,
our prices are falling

faster than I am!

("Feels So Good"playing)

I just don't know
about putting my reputation

in the hands of a man

I wouldn't lend
my mechanical pencil to.

Look, Dale needs this

and if there's one thing
Dale can do, it's kill things.

Wait, wait, does MegaloMart
still have a pet department?

No.

He'll be fine.

Well, I guess
he'd do the same for me.

I mean, whenever he prints up
that money of his

I'm usually
on the 100-Gribble bill.

I don't know
how to thank you, Hank.

I'll let the
fellas down at
Shoebox Greetings

do it for me.

Just thank me
by doing a thorough, discreet

professional, quiet, detailed,
courteous, efficient job.

I won't let you down.

I'm actually going
to spray poison

instead of
walking around

going "sss."

So, anyway, uh,
the rats have chewed

through the wires
in our security cameras

and destroyed several hundred
dollars worth of crackers.

Now, I don’t want
to alarm the customers

so we got to keep a low profile.

You won't know I'm here,
Gladewell

but the rats that drag
their diseased bellies

across
your merchandise will.

And now, the bait.

Hmm.

Rat poison lasagna
or rat poison Salisbury steak?

Ah, heck, Hank's reputation
is on the line.

I'm going to let this rat
have it with both barrels.

Nothing!

What am I doing wrong?!

I don't get it!

Wait. I've encountered
a bite pattern like that before

but where?

Here!

Now, where did I get that?

Hmm.

Possum, possum, manatee...

Aha! Of course.

Jungle Country Safari.

I'm not looking for a rat
at all.

CHRIS:
This is art, man.

I told you, we should
totally build stage
designs for Creed.

Hank, it's going better than
I could possibly have expected.

Oh, good.
Did you catch it already?

Not yet, but I'm on the trail.

Remember when you
said you hoped I
learned my lesson

from that run-in
with the baboon?

Well, let's just say,
"Lesson learned and applied."

Dude!
Dude!

Oops. Uh...

have you noticed any baboons
in the store lately?

From a distance,
they may have looked

like a large, hairy customer
with a bright red ass.

(grunts)

$39.99?!

That's weird.

I bought this CD for
$4.99 at CD Express

and I thought it was
outrageously overpriced

albeit quite pleasant
to make love to.

Yeah, man, it's
real strange.

Sometimes we see things

and, like, the prices
are totally marked wrong

and I know I didn't do it,
and I know he didn't do it.

Yeah, and sometimes
in the morning

the Mangione standees are all
facing a different direction

than they were
the night before.

How do you figure that?

Hmm. You've added a piece
to the puzzle.

Now, were the standees moved
sloppily, as if by a monkey

or neatly, as if by a man?

Neatly.

As if by man.

(groaning)

Here's the deal,
Glidewell.

This gig may be less

of a quote-unquote
"extermination"

and more
of a quote-unquote "murder."

Just tell me you can handle it.

Hank said you
were the best.

Hank said that?

I mean, I knew
he'd put in a good word for me

but..."the best"?

All right, I'll need
to spend the night here

as my prey seems to be nocturnal
in nature.

I don't know.

It's against
company policy.

I guarantee success by morning

or Hank Hill
is a braying jackass.

I really think

I did the right thing
recommending Dale.

Hank, you are distracting
my concentration.

I'm trying
to teach Bobby

how to play
Don't Spill the Beans.

(nasal tone):
Out of beans!

That's six games in a row, Mom.

What? Now, that
is impossible.

I've never lost anything
six times in a row.

Bobby, open your mouth.

Ah...

(phone ringing)

Hill residence.

Dale, is that you?

Are you done?

It won’t be long now.

I'm working through the night.

You're spending the night
in the store?

Is the rat problem that bad?

Rat problem?

Oh, of course, you still think
there's rats here.

Well, don't beat yourself up,
Hank.

I did too until the evidence
pointed to baboon.

Baboon?!

Dale, don’t tell Glidewell
there's a baboon.

It's not a baboon.

I know that.

I won't bore you
with the details

but bottom line...

it's Chuck Mangione.
What?!

And I'm going
to flush him out tonight.

And Hank, Glidewell told me
you said I was the best.

I nearly teared up
right there in front of him.

No! No! No! No!

Don’t worry, I didn't.

(groaning)

D-Dale, Dale?

You know,
I have been thinking about it.

You never should have
recommended Dale.

Dale's losing it
at MegaloMart, Nancy.

We need some traps
for the rats

and a tranquilizer gun
for D... uh...

Also for the rats.

Hank, he has his
whole self-esteem

tied up in killing
things smaller than he is.

If y'all catch the
rat, please put
it in his pocket

so he thinks he caught it.

Here, everyone
put on a jumpsuit.

If Glidewell shows up

we'll look like
Dale's crew.

HANK:
Now remember, find the rat

kill the rat,
pat Dale on the back.

HANK:
That's where the culottes are.

(yelling, grunting)

Quit... re... sis... ting!

Ha!

Hank?

Give me that!

What are you guys
doing here?

And why are you wearing
my backup jumpsuit?

And my backup's backups?

Hold on.

You're either here

to check up on me
or goof on me.

Which "on me" is it?

You think I can't do the job?

We’re just here 'cause...
well, the truth is

we missed you in the alley

so we put on the jumpsuits
to remind us of you

and next thing you know,
here we are.

Well, wingo.

Grab a snack... aisle 12,
and a chair... aisle 94.

But remember,
I'm after big game here...

a breed known as
Chuckus Mangionus.

'Sgo.

(chuckling)

Dale's crazy.

(grunting)

Come out of there,
you dang bean.

Aha!
You little flapjack!

I knew it!

Nobody beats Peggy Hill
six times in a row.

I can't breathe!

Dale, look, a hole.

Rat! Rat!
There it is!
Get it!

Oh, man, dang ol'
there it is, man!

No, it's behind you.
Dang ol' spray, man.

Come on, come on,
right there.

Get it man,
oh, don't...

Way to go, Dale,
you... you captured the rat

just like a real
exterminator!

Glidewell's gonna...

What the hell?!
You had the rat!

Ah, that was
one of the ones I released

to flush out Mangione.

His name is Keith.

What?! You're releasing rats
in the store?!

My reputation is on the line!

Don't worry.

None of my five trained rats
will be here

when Glidewell comes in.

The mongoose I let out
will see to that.

Mongoose?

(sighs)

Okay. I tell you what, Dale.

You want to search for Chuck

you do it by yourself
over there.

We'll search for, uh... Chuck,
on our own over here.

Whatever you do,
don't get captured.

I will not negotiate
with Mangione.

(awning)

Mmm...

(grunts)

Got... dang it!

Yeah, talking 'bout

unleash them hounds, man.

Crossbow armed.

And now for the bait.

(footsteps shuffling)

Bill?

Boomhauer?

Whoo-hoo.
(giggles)

Yo, man. Hey, Hank?

Hey, man, stop that!

Hey, man!

(screaming)

(fearful grunt)
It's got me!

Dang it, Boomhauer

you have one of these
at home.

You're supposed to be working.

Got dang ol' Gribble's right,
man!

That dang ol' Mangione comes in,
turns switch, man.

Started to spin around
like my head, man.

What are you talking about?

Man, I talking about that
dang ol' Chuck Mangione, man.

I knew it!
Yippee!

I knew he was here.
I felt his presence.

Come on.

There's an easy explanation
for this.

You spun yourself too hard,
you got dizzy

and then you saw one of those
stand-up displays of Chuck

that are everywhere.

Or Chuck himself.

BILL:
Leave me alone!

(grunts)

What did Mangione do to you?

Nothing.

He was popping me
with a wet towel!

It's the mongoose!

He's headed for
my trip wires.

Hit the deck!

(Bill grunts)

Dale, stop it.
Get up, you guys.

(frightened grunting)

Well, that's the
calculated risk

you take when you
release a mongoose.

That's it!

That is
the last straw.

You've gone and turned
a simple rat job

into one of your
crazy conspiracies.

I'm sorry I ever lied
to Glidewell for you, Dale.

Lied?

What are you saying?

I promised on my word
that Glidewell

would have his rat problem
taken care of.

So I'm going to call Pest Pro
to make sure it's taken care of!

You... you wouldn't, Hank.

You've left me no choice.

Dang it!

The phone's dead.

BILL:
Oh, God.

The doors are blocked.

Chuck don’t want us
to leave.

("Feels So Good"playing)

Told you, Hank.

(Hank ells)

Look, Dale

I'll admit something
bigger than a rat

must have moved
those soda machines.

Now come on, help
us push them away

so we can get
out of here.

Yeah, that's exactly what
Chuck wants you to do.

The first one
to touch those machines

will be electrocuted.

Then, while
the rest of you saps

are staring at a charred
and twisted Bill

Chuck will pounce.

Dale, man...
I don’t want to die

twisted, painful...

Dale, help me
out here.

What do you think
we should do?

What are you asking me for?

I'm loony.

I'm going to go find me a Chuck.

And if you're lucky, when
I check his stomach contents

there won't be pieces of you.

(sighs)

All right. If we're going
to make it through tonight

think, think.

Okay, let's form
a back-to-back triangle

so no one can
sneak up on us.

This is good, this is good.

If we just keep our wits about
us, everything will be fine.

(loud clanging)

(both screaming)

You were supposed to keep
your wits about you.

(Hank ells)

Six beans.

(inhaling deeply)

Ah!

Why don't
you go home

and get some sleep.

I believe it's your turn,
nose boy.

Dale!

Boomhauer!

(ells)

(grunts)

(gasping):
Ch-Chuck?

DALE:
Gotcha

Mr. Adult Contemporary.

I did it!

I caught
Chuck Mangione!

(yelps)

What in the hell?!

(sinister laughter)

(evil giggling)

Oh, you’re just the kids
from the music department.

(chuckling):
He totally thought
we were Chuck Mangione, bro!

We tooled
you big time!

Oh, you are
such a tool!

I blew it.

All my exterminator's instincts
were wrong.

I'm not fit to live
on this earth

let alone kill the things
that live on this earth.

Oh, you know what
we should do?

Dude, we should dress him up
in ladies' lingerie

take him
to the photo department

and make him sit
on our laps!

Let's just shave his
head like we planned.

(shrieking)

CHRIS (over P.A.):
Come out, come out,
wherever you are!

CORT:
You can run,
but you can't hide!

All right, now
who are you?

Take off the mask
and quit mocking me!

Ouch! Watch the lip, man.

(gasping):
It's you!

It's... really you.

So I'm not crazy

but you are!

You let a mongoose out
in the store.

You're living in a
toilet paper fort.

Let's agree to disagree.

Chuck, I don't get it.

What are you doing here?

This is a long way from
The Merv Griffin Show.

Ah, when I signed the contract
to be the MegaloMart spokesman

I didn't read it carefully.

I have to be
at every store opening

and they open
400 stores a year.

I haven't had time
to record or tour

or give my old lady
any slow, sweet loving in years.

So, I disappeared

to the last place
they'd ever look for me.

I've been living here rent-free,
eating their Cheerios

playing their video games
and trying on their underpants.

Anything to stick it to the Man.

You chewed up
the security camera wires?

It was necessary

so I could come and go
as I pleased.

But what about
the droppings?

There were droppings
all over the place.

(sinister chuckling)

Make those Megalo chumps
pick'em up!

They owe me!

Right on.

Keeping it real.

(Hank shrieking)

Sure sounds like
your friends need you, Dale.

They do, Chuck.

Wait. Every aisle has
a hollow passage

with openings at
the discount flags.

Use it.

Look here, I don't know
what you two are hopped up on

but it's going to wear off

and you're going to be very
regretful about your actions.

(both ell)

(wailing):
Okay, you win!

Can't breathe!

Gentlemen, the
infestation
is over.

Except for the mongoose

but I'm sure
he's found a new home.

Thanks for
the recommendation, Hank.

If I'd called Pest Pro

they would have just sprayed
in here

and I'd have some parents
of dead teens suing me.

Nice work, Gribble.

Yeah, "Nice work, Gribble."

(chuckling)

Chuck Mangione
in the MegaloMart.

Yeah, man, that dang
ol' Dale, man.

Chuck Mangione probably in
Hollywood right now, man

probably sticking
thatol' horn to
Minnie Driver, man.

Yeah, my mistake.

Silly me.

Look, it might not have
been Chuck Mangione

but he found the pests and
took care of the problem.

Dale, I'd recommend
you anytime.

Sorry I doubted you.

("Feels So Good"
playing softly)

What was that?

Muzak.

Just... Muzak.

(song continues)

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access. Wgbh. Org

Whoo-hoo!

That's where the culottes are.