King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 6, Episode 4 - The Father, the Son and J.C. - full transcript

""Russian hand-cranked flashlight""?

Nancy Drew books?
What kind of hardware store is this?

Dad! The world's best hammer!

Sears already sold me
the world's best hammer...

so someone's lying.

[Cash register beeping]

I say we just get him a gift certificate.

That's a great idea, Bobby.

We will give your father,
who worked so hard to conceive you...

the same thing we give the paperboy,
who did nothing.

I'm lucky. Cotton is so easy to shop for.



Either he likes what I get him
and he's happy...

or he hates it and he shoots it
and he's happy.

It's the first Christmas dinner
in my new apartment...

so you better bring a Christmas gift,
a housewarming gift...

and a chair if you want to sit.

No problem. I've got some that fold.

Now, how about I buy you an ornament?

A ""Peace""?
You would like that, you draft dodger!

Sure you can't find one
with a flag burning on it?

It's Jesus peace, not hippie peace.

Either way,
we've always been a ""Joy"" family.

-But--
-Joy!

[Beeping]

I gotta go, Dad.



There's a propane emergency
at the police station.

Oh, everyone out of the way.

The assistant lackey's on the move.

Never been promoted.

I'm proud to serve as assistant manager...

and Buck will promote me
when I'm good and ready.

Hank Hill, Strickland Propane,
responding to the propane emergency.

There's your emergency.

HANK: Mr. Strickland?

How did you get locked in there?

DWl, Hank.

Blew a 0.2.

It was just a couple of....
Three, three eggnogs.

Hell, that shouldn't count,
seeing as how it's Christmas and all.

But why would you call in
a false propane emergency?

We're looking at a $50 fine
once I report us.

Well, I needed a sober ride, Hank.

They took away my license.

Who wants to buy propane
from some no-license castrato?

Tell you what, sir.
Why don't you let me drive you around?

I like to drive, you like to sit.
Everybody wins.

You drive nice, Hank.

I pretend the gas pedal's an egg.

Pull over.

Now I remember
where I was going last night.

Yep. Douglas makes a good fir.

-This is your tree.
-She's a beaut, Hank.

How are you fixed for ornaments?

""Peace,"" huh?

Thanks again for the tree, Mr. Strickland.

Of course, in a way,
every year you buy me a tree.

[Laughing]

You know, the paychecks.

No, it's the least I can do.

You may be driving me all over creation.

The judge says
I ain't getting my license back...

till I do my community service.

Gotta build some house for Jimmy Carter.

You get to build
a Habitat for Humanity house...

for driving drunk?

I've been on the waiting list for two years.

I tell you what, Old Top.

How would you like it if I made you
assistant manager of building this house?

You mean it?

-Well, thank you, sir.
-[Laughing] No, I thank you.

And, long story short, Mr. Strickland
tells me I can build the house.

He did not!

He did, Bill. Why would I make it up?

I don't know.
Sometimes I lie to get attention.

-You want to help me or not?
-Yeah, man.

-Yeah!
-Wingo!

I'd like to volunteer
to be in charge of booby traps.

-There will be no booby traps, Dale.
-What?

Oh, right. Got you, Hank.

No booby traps.

Groundbreaking's day after tomorrow.

I wish I could go to bed right now
and wake up in two days...

with a shovel in my hand.

-Mom!
-Shovel for Christmas.

You know what? I'm too excited to eat.

I think I'll grab one of my shovels
and practice on Bill's yard.

[Doorbell ringing]

Come on, Hank.
Let's go shoot us a Christmas tree.

Well, Dad, you know how much I love
to yell, ""Ready, aim, timber""...

but this year
Mr. Strickland bought me a tree.

But we always....

Only a man with a narrow urethra
would think that skinny stick was a tree.

Too bad we can't get Dad
a new dad for Christmas.

Or can we?

Bobby, I have turned your terrible idea
into a brilliant one.

The best present for your father...

would be
a healthy relationship with his father...

one where they can express
their real feelings for each other.

And, conveniently,
I can get the same thing for Cotton.

Didi gets her bath gel like always,
and I'm done.

-Can I put my name on it?
-I'll put your name on it.

[Grunting]

Hank, why don't you invite
your father to the groundbreaking?

Because I already know his answer.

No, followed by an insult.

Oh, so now you're a psychic.

Oh, Cotton,
Hank has something to tell you.

Did you see that coming?

Dad, if you're not
doing anything Thursday...

well, we're having
this groundbreaking ceremony...

-for this house I'm building for charity.
-Charity?

Only Charity I care about
dances in a G-string.

And I'm spending the day with her.

Well, it's just, you know,
you spent my birthday with her.

I thought maybe....

But.... Okay.

Okay, I'll go. You win.

If I wanted to see a big baby cry...

I'd go home to my baby, crybaby.

[Drilling]

HANK: Okay, I've put together a schedule...

which gives us four days
to finish this house.

The frame's a prefab,
so we could build it in two...

but let's take four and really enjoy it.

Since we're starting from scratch...

why don't we make it a dream house
and put the toilet in the living room?

Oh, Cotton, I am so glad you're here.

If Hank asked me one more time...

""Where's Cotton?
Where's Cotton? Where's....""

Well, here's Cotton!

Brought my bayonet.

Figured if it was
good enough to kill 50 men...

it's good enough to slice some dry wall.

Well, gosh, Dad.

I know you were saving that
for when they unfroze Hitler.

-Yeah, well, l--
-Hey, Buck.

I saved the best nail pouch for you.

So, this is gonna be Arlen Pines.

Didn't recognize the place
without all the tombstones.

[Grunting]

Hey, hey! Hey!
Them people are stealing your tools!

Oh, that's Alla and Niefko Lubecki.

You're building this house for them.
I know they'd love to meet you.

And don't worry, sir.
You'll be back behind the wheel...

as soon as I finish
repaying your debt to society.

Thanks, Hank. You really pulled
my eggs out the frying pan.

All right, listen, people.
I got a announcement to make.

I'm not one to give credit
where credit is due...

but doggone it,
this time I just can't help myself.

Hank Hill has been my assistant manager
for 20 years.

In all that time I've had two wives,
dozens of mistresses...

five heart valves, three plastic, two pig...

but I only needed one Hank.

Merry Christmas, Hank.

I'm promoting you to manager.

Manager?

Mr. Strickland, l....

I love you.

[All gasping]

[Grunting]

Why did Dad have to act like a woman
in front of Grandpa?

Grandpa hates women.

Your father is going out of his way
to ruin his Christmas present...

so we will have to go out of our way
to save it.

We will make a photo calendar...

each and every month a reminder
of their special father-son bond.

Not happy.

Not happy.

Can't even find one picture
where they're both happy.

Wait. If you splice Grandpa's head
over yours in the wedding photo...

it'll look like Dad and Grandpa
are shaking hands.

And we'll put it on a mug.

[All laughing]

Hey, Hank. We started without you.

-Dang old Hank and Buck, man, that old--
-Now you've gone too far.

Cement is permanent.

As permanent as your love?

Shut up, Dale!

-ls okay?
-No.

Is not okay, Niefko.

My boss demoted me.

I was a manager for 10 seconds...

and all I managed to do was
blurt my guts out like a mental patient.

I don't know where this stuff comes from.

Something must be wrong with me.

Niefko see.

Bad to say those things
one man to other man.

But still, you much to be lucky for.

Texas, USA, police no break down doors...

say, ""Come to Army now! Now you shot! ""

Here, kids walk to school. Is good school.

God bless you,
builders of house and driveway.

God bless America.

[All cheering]

Harley Davidson.

I think so, too, Niefko.

Who would like a hot cup of love?

[Phone ringing]

HANK: Peggy, telephone.

I got it.

Hello?

Well, hello, Mrs, Stricklaid,

[Sighing] Hi, Dad.

I'm just calling to say
you ain't welcome to Christmas dinner.

Good day.

My dad uninvited me for Christmas.

Oh, Hank.

Honey, why don't you call him back
and tell him how that makes you feel?

Absolutely not.

You saw what happened when l...

emoted all over Buck.

No, no. It'll be okay.

We'll just have Christmas dinner
with the Niefkos over at their new house.

Yep. It'll be a great new tradition.

Christmas with the Niefkos.

Didi, we are the wives
of stubborn, stubborn men.

They are lucky to have us, aren't they?

What do you want, Peggy?

I want Cotton to re-invite Hank
to Christmas dinner.

Oh, Cotton will not do that
because Hank is too cruel.

No, Didi, Cotton is the cruel one.
Hank is the one who sells propane.

But Hank is cruel. He said he loved Buck.
He should say he loves Cotton.

And that's not just what I think,
it's what Cotton told me to think.

Cotton is jealous?

But that is a human emotion.

That little four-foot mushball.

Now, I'm not sure if it's the guest
or the man of the house that says grace...

but I got the English, so I'll take the wheel.

[Pounding on door]

-Dad?
-Looking for this?

Well, you told me you left
GH sleeping in a bag of hammers.

How could you trick me like that?
You ain't bright.

Peggy told me how.

Why did you invite my dad here?

You are ruining
our new holiday tradition...

Christmas with the Niefkos.

Cotton, how would you like to stay here
and join us for Christmas dinner?

[Sniffing]

Well, something smells good.

Could be turkey.
Probably fresh particle board.

Well, that is a beautiful story, Colonel,
but not as beautiful as this house.

Don't you think
this house is beautiful, Cotton?

It's okay.

-I like the job you did on the dry wall.
-Well, thanks, Dad.

I took a risk
and went with the National Gypsum...

instead of the Georgia-Pacific.

I hope Buck doesn't mind.

Buck?

Buck! Buck, Buck, Buck!

Of course he's gonna mind.
Look at this rat box.

It ain't got no doorstop.

Someone opens the door too hard...

hole in the wall.

Dad, stop. It's not finished yet.

I don't see no chair rail.
You know what that means.

Man stands up from his chair too fast....

Oh, come on, Hank.
Tell your father what you told your boss...

and what you tell your stupid dog
every day.

Give that miserable old man
the gift of love for Christmas.

This hanging lamp don't look like
it can hold a man's weight.

Grandpa, be careful!

[Glass shattering]

Come on, please, Dad. Stop!

If you want him to stop,
just tell him how you feel.

That window looks awful flimsy.

-Dad, l--
-You can do it, Hank.

Dad...

I hate you.

[Gasping]

Is okay?

You hate me, do you?

After all the love
I allowed your mother to give you.

Well, Merry Christmas and stay out.

Tell Santy Claus to hurry.

This place ain't gonna have a chimney
for long.

[Cotton yelling]

[Glass shattering]

Hank, you don't really hate your father.

These are just bigger emotions
than you're used to expressing.

You got confused.

Why don't you go inside and apologize?

I also left my purse in there.

I am not apologizing. I meant what I said.

You can't really hate your dad.

He's your dad.

Yeah, well, there's nothing anywhere...

that says a father and son
have to like each other...

Iet alone love each other.

[Grunting]

CARTER: You can just leave
the won tons out there.

[Carter speaking Chinese]

Oh, you're not from the Noodle House.

No, but I wish I was.

-Chinese people don't have Christmas.
-What's wrong, little boy?

My dad and my grandpa are fighting.

Even if I get the Beiiy Hilltapes
I asked for...

it'd still be the worst Christmas ever.

Land sakes!
A family fighting at Christmas?

That's not right.
Why don't I try talking to them?

No offense, sir...

but you couldn't even talk your way out
of working on Christmas Eve.

I may just be a carpenter...

but I'm often called upon
to resolve disputes.

""He took my drill""...

""That guy swiped my chalk""...

and so on.

Well, you do have a very soothing accent.

We'll take my car.

Wow! You must be some carpenter.

[Cotton yelling]

Bobby?

I think we might be able
to get Dad his present after all...

thanks to this nice old guy.

I'm gonna get back in the limo.
I got Joseph on hold.

Oh, my God! Jimmy Carter.

I am Bobby's mother, Peggy Hill.

I teach a short unit on your presidency.

Teaching is
one of our most noble professions.

Well, thank you for your honesty.

They could not take that away from you.

You must be Hank.

You ran our country...

America.

Hank, I understand you told your father
you hate him.

Hate's a strong word, Mr. President.
That's why I used it.

Yep, hate my dad.

You may say you hate your daddy...

but I seem to recall
the Egyptians once said...

they would never accept
lsrael's right to exist.

Now, I think we all know
how that turned out.

Now, why don't we go inside
and talk things over?

I'm not going in there. I hate the man.

Feels good every time I say it.

Mr. Hill?

-Jimmy Carter?
-Yes, this is Jimmy.

Now, how about I come inside...

and visit with you
about what your son said?

I'd love to meet a war hero face to face.

Assume the position, Mr. President!

[Stuttering] There's no need for that.

I've been nominated
for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Look, the Secret Service didn't want me
to come in here at all.

This was a compromise.

I'd have done the same
if I was in your shoes.

Same idea, bigger gun.

Good. Something we can agree on.

Let's build on that.

Why do you think
your son said he hates you?

He's a hateful crybaby.

He was crying the second
he popped his head out of his mama.

Like I told your father,
in these highly-charged situations...

I find it's helpful to say something positive
about the other side.

Sadat, for example,
thought Begin had excellent posture.

Yeah? What'd my dad say about me?

Why don't you go first?

Come on.

Deep down, just between you and me.
I won't tell anyone.

-You don't really hate your son.
-Yes, I do.

-But you don't--
-Head to toe.

-No, really--
-And his wife.

Look, he was a baby once.

Everyone hated that baby.

Hated a baby?

Okay, how about this?

Say there was a magic button
you could push...

that would make Hank disappear forever.

Everything else in the world
would stay the same...

but Hank, your son,
would never have existed.

Now, I'm serious here, mister.
Would you push that button?

I ain't gots to answer
no hypothetical situation.

Would you push that button?

[Growling]

Not yes.

My father said he wouldn't obliterate me?

His words?

Now do you recognize his right to exist?

Wonderful.

You both seem to prefer a universe...

in which the other party
hasn't magically disappeared.

I think we have a framework for peace.

Now, how do you feel
about going outside?

I still got some nails left.

If you come outside,
I'll let you shoot at my bulletproof limo.

Hank, Cotton, I see a new era of trust
and understanding between you.

Not so fast, Chompers. We had a deal.

I gets to shoot me
a bulletproof motorcade.

I think you got more important things
to do right now than shoot up my car.

-No, I don't.
-Look, you're not shooting up my car.

Hold on. Now, Dad, did he really tell you,
you could shoot up his car?

With my nail gun.

Is this true, sir?

Well, I think
I may have put it on the table...

but it seems to me the important thing is--

I'm sorry. You gave your word.

COTTON: Oops.

They told me it was bulletproof.

Let's get the heck out of here!

That nail gun's pretty accurate for....

What's it running at?
175 psi?

-180.
-Sounds about right.

Boy, I love shooting a nail gun.

I love shooting a nail gun, too.

That was amazing.

Dad and Grandpa don't hate each other...

the Lubeckis got
most of their house back...

all because Jesus showed up.

Bobby, what are you talking about?

That guy. A carpenter, worked a miracle...

his name was JC, rode in a limo....

-Him?
-You thought that was....

Well, he's nobody
but a one-terming peanut farmer.

Man wore a sweater.

Henpecked by the OPEC.

And, Bobby,
that is how I saved Christmas.

BUCK: No, I thaik you,