King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 5, Episode 8 - 'Twas the Nut Before Christmas - full transcript

Now, I've cleared a space 12 by 8 by 14...

to hide Bobby's Christmas present.

So, when we're at the store,
keep an eye out for a gift that size.

Last Christmas, I hid Joseph's gift so well
I still haven't found it.

Cutest little puppy.

Or should I say dog?

Yeah, nothing like the face of a child
on Christmas morning.

- What's it like?
- It's the single greatest thing on earth.

That is, except for
all the hundreds of special moments...

that any dad shares with his child.

Sounds nice.



I guess I'll just go home all by myself
and eat a pot pie.

- Today is turkey.
- See you.

Hey, Bill.

You know,
I've got some errands to run today.

Going to the post office.
Why don't you come along?

Come on, it'll be fun.
You can take a $5 bill...

and put it in the change machine,
pretend you're in Las Vegas.

Ka-ching!

[Whooping] Look at all that mail.

I haven't gotten so much as a letter
in six weeks.

Well, it's a busy time of year.

They're probably just backed up,
or maybe they lost it.

Yeah, you're right.

My name is Bill Dauterive,
and apparently you have lost my mail.



I'll check in the back.

Look, about my friend's lost mail,
you're not gonna find it.

I know that.
We just walk to the back for show.

You know, you may want to
check William Dauterive, too.

Bill is short for William.

If you want mail,
we've got these bags in the corner.

Those are letters
addressed to Santa Claus.

We're always looking for volunteers
to take one or two...

and buy a gift to make a needy kid happy.

What a great idea.
I think I'll take one myself.

How about you, Bill?
You'd make a great Santa.

And that's not a fat joke.

You really think so?

- This guy seems a little off.
- Bill's great with kids.

It's adults and holidays
he seems to have a problem with.

Has anyone seen
where I put my Scotch tape?

Did you check under my chin?

You know, you fall for Dale's beard of tape
every year, Peggy.

Yes. Yes, I do.
And I'm always a good sport about it.

My first wrapping party.

[Exclaims]

I just cut my finger. Deep.

Well, it doesn't compare
to the pain of previous years...

when I didn't have any kids to wrap for.

Matthew said he likes music,
so I got him a trombone.

I can't wait to see
the expression on his face.

You don't give the gifts yourself.
You buy them, you wrap them...

then we mail them
and put the return address as North Pole.

Does the mailman at least dress as Santa?

- No.
- He doesn't?

Every kid should get to see Santa.

Oh, my God. It's snowing!

- Wow!
- What the...

- You know, Peggy, it is snowing.
- That is not snow. It's 64 degrees.

That is the foam
that they spray on runways...

when jumbo jets are about to crash.

Bobby! Get in here!

[Children laughing]

Now, are you going to open this
before Christmas?

- No, sir.
- Good. You're a very good boy.

Open it.

Thank you, Santa.

The kids haven't had a real Christmas
since their father left.

Can I pay you for these things?

No, what would Santa need money for?

My elves make all the toys.

I mean...

Ho, ho, ho.

Rented snow machines, all these lights.
It's like a carnival.

I wonder how Jesus feels about this.

It's Christmas, and Bill's happy.

I'll tell you how Jesus feels: Great.

HANK: Hey, this is perfect.

Tomorrow Christmas service falls...

right between the Aloha Bowl
and the Oahu Bowl.

And we can top the whole day off
with the Christmas Smackdown.

Christmas Smackdown. Here it is.

Hey, Dennis Rodman
is gonna be a guest referee.

Boy, you know that guy's
catching a folding chair to the head.

- The worm.
- Wait a second.

Sorry, Bobby. It's rated TV-14.

The last time I checked, you were still 13.

Come on, Dad. I tell you what.

I'll just close my eyes
when things get too colorful.

Nice try, mister,
but I've seen the way you watch TV.

You never blink.

[Car horns blaring]

BILL: Merry Christmas!

[Singing popular Christmas carol]

Better hum, Dad.

It won't feel like Christmas Day
if we miss The Little Drummer Boy.

I'm doing the best I can.
Wait a minute, you're being sarcastic.

You don't have any interest in seeing
that little boy play his heart out, do you?

Nope.

Valet parking is $5.

Valet of the Dales is not responsible
for lost or stolen article...

- Dale, I'm just gonna park in my driveway.
- That lot's full...

but Bill says I can put overflow parking
poolside at Luanne's house.

Arcadio!

La bamba Le automobile-o.

No scratch-o! Comprende?

- Out of the way.
- Hey, you're back.

I have got to find some way
to thank you for everything.

- Does Santa like chicken?
- Fried, jerked, broiled or boiled.

After the holidays, I'm gonna cook you
a homemade chicken dinner.

- And will you eat it with me, too?
- Bill, I could just wrap you up.

Ho, ho, ho!

And she made the date with him?

Yep. They're gonna have chicken.

Well, I suppose
we can suffer through this racket...

if it means Bill will be spending time
with a woman who knows he's there.

Yeah, and it's just till New Year's,
then it all comes down.

You know what?

We can just pretend
that all that noise is the ocean.

Yes, it's working.

Looks like it's gonna be a great new year.

Notre Dame lost,
Bill had a great Christmas...

and now he's taking down
his decorations...

instead of trying to
hang himself with them.

Looks like he hired professionals,
or very dedicated amateurs.

What the...

They start the Christmas season
earlier and earlier each year.

[Bill exclaiming excitedly]

Hey, guys, take off your shoes.
Come on in.

I tell you, January's the month
to rent a Santa Bounce House.

- I got a hell of a deal.
- Come on, how about taking all this down?

Yeah. Yeah, that's a great idea. I'll help.

No, no, I can't take down Santa's Village.

You see how happy those kids are?

Well, they do like jumping.

Yeah, and someone
I have a lot of respect for...

once told me
that Christmas is about giving and love.

Yeah, we all got
Boomhauer's Christmas card, too...

last month, in December, but...

Hank, there'll be plenty of time
for these kids to be beaten down by life.

But if I can help bring
a little extra joy and love...

into their world now, shouldn't I?

Why do you hate love, Hank?

Well, so much for
my New Year's resolution.

Who says a mustache has to go
across the whole lip?

BILL: Ho, ho, ho!

Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day.

Hey, why don't you kids celebrate
by taking a spin in my bounce house?

Have you been talking to my dad?
Well, guess what? We're not little kids.

We don't jump in bouncy houses.

Oh, dear.

Hey, you're right on time.

- You're still doing this.
- Yeah, just around the house.

They won't let me on the Army base
like this anymore.

So, where are the kids?
Sam and Emma, right?

I got a baby-sitter. I thought we might...

Hey, mind if I knock off early?
I don't think any kids are coming by today.

Okay.
See you tomorrow morning, 9:00 sharp.

That's the Arlen midget.
He comes with the bounce house.

Shall we?

You know,
why don't you enjoy the chicken?

- You can just keep the dish.
- Yeah, but you and the kids...

are still coming over Sunday night
for haircuts, right?

- I like their hair long.
- But...

- No!
- You should have used cold water.

Yeah, but that doesn't get
enough of the stains out.

Hi, I'm the Milton Street Santa.

I'm Wally. Hey, Santa?
Can you lend me $2 for the dryer?

Sure. Which one's yours?

I got them soaking at a place
a few blocks away.

But nobody there had the Christmas spirit,
if you know what I mean.

Of course I do.

I got a lot of blue jeans in there.

You ever wear wet blue jeans?

Man, this is the best Christmas ever.

Bill, why don't you take Marilyn out
someplace nice for Valentine's Day?

Women like Valentine's Day.
They find it romantic.

Marilyn's gone.

Of course she is.

You know, Bill...

even Troy Aikman takes off his uniform
after the Superbowl.

How do you know?

[People laughing]

WALLY: Do that outside.

Sam? Emma?

Hey, Santa, remember me? It's Wally.

- The little boy from the laundromat.
- What are you doing here?

Hey, I hope you don't mind.

I told my buddies how cool you were
and they all had to meet you.

- Yeah, can we have some money?
- He means candy canes.

I'm out of canes...

but I still have 10 pounds
of Rice Krispie treats shaped like reindeer.

What the...

Now, who...

"Heineken"?

Nice pool.

What say we jump in, see what floats?

Just take your beer cans off of my lawn.

And quit trying to read my t-shirt.

You lose something over here?

I am making a citizen's arrest
for trespassing.

- I don't think so.
- Believe me, I've done it before.

How did you get Bill's key chain?

- Okay, you're under arrest for theft, too.
- He gave it to me.

Now, get off our property
or I'll citizen-arrest you.

- Damn it! When Bill comes home...
- "When Bill comes home."

- What the hell are you doing?
- "What the hell..."

The thing is, I did something today.

What is it, Wally?

Well, I bought you a gift. It's a belt sander.

- There's something else.
- What?

You can tell me. You can tell me anything.

I kind of lied
to the guy at the hardware store.

I told him I was getting this for my dad.

Here.

You could make a Japanese rock garden
where that tire mark is.

I know a Japanese guy
who might have some rocks.

[Bill laughing]

Hey, guys.

We were just at the grocery store
and Wally did the cutest thing.

What'd he do?
Did he ride a unicycle? Did he juggle?

Did he find an adorable way
to peel out on my lawn?

No, Hank.

I'm not saying my Wally isn't a handful,
but I like a kid with spirit.

And as for your lawn,
it's my responsibility...

and I will re-sod the damaged area.
Fair enough?

Fair enough.

- Senator Edward...
- He blocked the channel guide.

Now I don't even know what I'm missing.

- Senator Feingold.
- Aye.

Senator Feinstein.

My dad is pushing
every one of my buttons.

I believe you guys are first-time callers,
so I'm only gonna charge you $1.

For what?

Beer.

We better go.

Why? Because beer's not TV-14?

Set me up, my man.

What's the matter?
Forty ounces for $1 is a good deal.

Oh, yeah. I just usually drink 30-ouncers...

but, hey, it's the weekend.

Hey, come here.

Just think, Connie girl...

when we're grown-ups and marrieds...

we'll get to do this every night!

Yeah, I want a house just like this...

with soft floors and plastic windows.

Look at the stars.

There's, well, so many of them.

BOBBY: Yeah.
CONNIE: Cool.

You know the best way to sober up?

Bounce around a lot.
Get it out of your system.

Bobby?

Hey, Dad! I like beer!

You, you, and you, go home now!

You get the hell out of here.

That does it!

I've had about enough
of this Christmas crap. Bill!

Dang it, Bill!

Some of us are trying to raise kids
in this neighborhood.

Good kids...

the kind that don't try
to kill their parents in their sleep.

Kids like Bobby.

Wally would never kill me. He told me so.

That kind of communication
is very important...

- in a father-son style relationship.
- What?

- Is that my belt sander?
- No, it's mine.

Wally bought it
and gave it to me as a present.

Yeah? Then why does it have
the same serial number...

as my warranty card?

I know there are two sides
to every story...

but Hank was bragging about
his new belt sander all last week.

Where do you think I got the idea?

That egg was strutting around
showing off his fancy belt sander...

and I thought,
"Hey, Bill's a better man than this ass.

"He should have a belt sander."
So I bought you one.

Yeah, it's just...
You know, Hank had the warranty card.

So, this is how it's gonna be.
Hank: Good, Wally: Bad.

I'm not saying that.

But maybe it wasn't such a good idea,
giving...

Well, selling beer to kids.

Wow, you really are like my dad.

- Really?
- Yeah.

He never had faith in me either.
But at least he had a motorcycle.

Wally,
building a strong relationship isn't easy.

- We can work through this.
- I don't like work.

I did 10 sit-ups and I tried to do a push-up.

Can I go back to sleep now?

You had a chance to sleep last night,
mister...

but you decided to go partying instead.

Now, get a rag
and start washing windows.

I almost hated waking him this morning.

But then he tried to tell me that
his hangover was punishment enough...

so I flipped him off his mattress.

Wally left last night!

And it's all your fault.

- You broke my family.
- Wally was not your family.

My God, I've thrown out propane tanks
that would make a better son than Wally.

But he's all I had!

Oh, poor Bill.
He probably shouldn't be alone.

But he will be.

Wait, I've got it! Bill wants to have a child.

And Hank's urethra is too narrow
to have another child.

Ergo, Bill should inseminate Peggy.
Everybody's happy.

Ow!

Didn't hurt.

Nancy.

[Phone ringing]

What?

Where are you?

I got a call from Wally.

Where is he? Jail?

Yes. Some trumped-up charge.

He can't survive in jail.
You've gotta help me bail him out.

No way.

Things got out of hand in the first place...

because you didn't lay down
the law with Wally.

Hank, please.

You were right.
I don't know how to be a father.

All the books about it are by comedians.

And I never know when they're kidding
and when they're serious.

- Please, I need you to go with me.
- No.

You do everything right...

but if you didn't, I'd be there for you.

And could you drive?

Wally still hasn't returned my car.

The car was crammed with
cartons of cigarettes, packs of jerky...

lighters. All your big-ticket impulse items.

He says you okayed
the use of the credit card...

and the use of the automobile.
Is that true?

The jerky was for you.

Hank, what should I do?

Well, I'd lock him up for
what we know he did...

and then toss on a few extra years
for what he probably did.

Yeah, but if I lock him up,
he won't like me.

But if I bail him out,
he'll just keep stealing my money...

and I won't like him.

Parenting is tough.

Try having my job with a kid in jail.
That gets weird.

Here we go.

You know what would be cool?
If you left it a little longer in the back.

It would be, like, our little bond.

- I'd think you ought to...
- Sorry, no can do.

You may not be happy with me now,
soldier...

- but you'll thank me someday.
- For what? For making me a jarhead?

For convincing the judge that the Army
is a better place for you than prison.

Oh, and you're not a jarhead,
that's the Marine Corps.

You're a grunt!

Bobby, if you get caught drinking again,
it's gonna be your butt in this chair.

- Ain't that right, Hank?
- Sure is.

Now let's shave that thing
off of Wally's chin.

DALE: Valet of the Dales is not responsible
for lost or stolen articles.

DALE: Valet of the Dales is not responsible
for lost or stolen articles.