King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 5, Episode 16 - Hank's Choice - full transcript

[Hank sighs deeply]

Bobby.

Bobby.

[Peggy shushing]

Bobby is in, what I hope,
is not his deathbed.

BOBBY: More juice, crazier straw.
PEGGY: Roger that.

[Coughing]

Hey, Son, are you sick?

Don't kiss me, Dad. I could be contagious.

- Looks normal.
- Put that on my headstone, will you?

You know, it frightens me to think that
we raised Bobby for 12 years...



without the Internet.

Parents without the Internet
should have their children taken away.

What's it say?

He has cedar fever, or a sinus infection,
or he may be allergic to something else.

I do not know.

We have to take him to the doctor.

How do you know it isn't just
a runny nose? His temperature's normal.

You know, when I was his age, I painted
the living room with a separated shoulder.

I am searching the Web as fast as I can.

Apparently, there is a local rock band
named Cedar Fever...

and it's complicating my research.

[Telephone ringing]

Strickland Propane.
Taste the meat, not the...

PEGGY: Okay. There's no time for that.



Hank, I am over at the doctor's office
with Bobby.

There is something
you will want to know right away.

Is something wrong with...

[Bobby screams]

Get over here!

Bobby, thank God! What happened?

They were pricking my back with pins!

You were getting an allergy test.

You still want that Merlin tattoo?

Hank, it's not good. And it's about Bobby.

Bobby's having an allergic reaction
to dander.

Your wife tells me you have a dog.

Slow down there, Charlie.

Now, what does a dog
have to do with anything?

Bobby's allergic to the dog.

You said "dander." How do you know
that Peggy doesn't have the dander?

Well, you're in that school
with kids from all over. She got lice once.

Hank, the test was specifically
for dog dander.

And you once came home from Mexico
with a butt worm!

Allergies can come and go suddenly
and mysteriously. It's a fascinating field.

You could try bathing Ladybird
three times a week, then vacuuming her.

I already do that.

Hank, that dog is going out of the house.

Look, if you want a dog inside,
it says right here...

that there are several hypoallergenic
breeds of dog, such as poodles or hairless.

A poodle?

Why not go all the way and just get me
a cat and a sex change operation?

Can't we just give Bobby something?

You could give him daily shots.
But Bobby...

We had enough trouble with the pinpricks.

There are pills, but they don't often work.

And their side effects include drowsiness,
hives and rectal bleeding.

And most people find it much simpler
just to get rid of the dog.

We'll try the pills.

You just say the word
and Ladybird will die a mysterious death.

I know several poisons
that have the meaty taste dogs love.

You know, Hank, I could take in Ladybird.

She sniffed me once
and did not look displeased.

Thanks, Bill,
but Ladybird deserves better than that.

Oh, I know.

When I was growing up, we had a dog that
we kept outside in its own little house.

Hank doesn't want your old dog!

No. Bill's right.
I could build Ladybird a doghouse.

I was gonna build her one
when she was a puppy.

But then Bobby came along
and I got sidetracked making a crib.

Maybe this is the second chance
I've been waiting for.

Now, if you have any suggestions
for improvements...

make them now before I file the permits.

- It looks too small.
- It's a model, Dale.

In that case, it's just right.

PEGGY: Hank, Bobby's only breathing
through his mouth.

I'm afraid to bring him lunch.

Give Bobby some more pills.

I still have to put in the baseboards
and bolt the walls to the foundation.

Gee, Hank...

I would love to give our son
another handful of pills...

but he's been asleep for 18 hours.

Look, I'm as concerned as you are, Peggy,
but I need more time.

I can't have a dog in there
licking at exposed wiring.

- The floor is warm.
- That's the radiant sub floor heating.

You know, 80% of a dog's heat loss
is through its pads.

Okay, that figure came
from the radiant-floor people...

so it may be a little high.

"Although we move you
into Barkingham Palace today...

"we will always leave
a doggy door open into our hearts.

"And we hope we have made your home
as wonderful as you have made ours...

"these past 13 years."

Okay, Luanne, the champagne.

Forgive me.

DALE: Push her in!

We all came to see
the opening of a doghouse!

This can't be easy.

She's slept at the foot of our bed
for 13 years.

- Don't blame Ladybird, blame me.
- Of course I blame you!

I made the architect's first mistake.
I designed it for me, not the client.

I can do this fast, I promise.

Okay, grand reopening in 36 hours.
This time, no gifts.

[Majestic band music playing]

Bill! Not today! Abort!

HANK: I've got the backscratcher
close to the food dispenser...

in case Ladybird wants to scratch
and eat at the same time.

Hank, I can give her a good home.

Ladybird won't go in her doghouse.

And her doghouse is already better
than your house.

Maybe instead of three,
you could take six or seven.

Whatever.

They're not doing much for the dog hair,
but watch this.

Bobby, that cannot be good for you.

Hank, it is only fair to warn you
that tomorrow I am shaving the dog.

She is going out in the morning.
Just give her one last night.

You know, the allergies won't clear up
right away.

Ladybird's dander is all over the house.

We're gonna have to steam-clean
the furniture, probably replace the carpets.

We'll have to wash, or dry-clean,
all of our clothes...

then vacuum all over.

You know,
Ladybird hasn't gone in the doghouse...

so there's no dander in there.

And the air filter would work better
in a small room.

And for less than the cost
of cleaning the house...

we could pay to have a second TV set
hooked up to the cable.

Hank, the dog is not getting a television.

No. Peggy, don't be silly.

What I was thinking was,
Bobby could live in the doghouse.

Yeah, that'll work. Bobby's only 13.
He's young. It'll be fun for him.

But Ladybird's 13.
She doesn't have much time left...

and she's set in her ways.
Yep, that works all around.

Ladybird! Daddy's got your din-din!

It'll be like Tom Sawyer, Bobby.

But instead of a raft,
you'll have a doghouse.

Okay, Bobby.
You've indulged your father long enough.

Now, get out. Get...

He's not getting out.
He must be stuck. Hank!

I'll take it!

Bobby, honey, I do not know
what your father told you...

but he has to love you
whether you move in or not!

Mom, this is a perfect starter home.

I like the neighborhood...

I won't have to change schools,
and it's Connie-adjacent.

Bobby's a big boy, Peggy.
Can't hang on forever.

Time to move on, Mom.

[Peggy and Connie laughing]

The courtesy of an invitation.
That's all I ask.

Peggy, we couldn't even fit in the door.

Tony's Pizza will do nicely
until Dad installs my kitchen grill.

I stole a bottle of Chianti from my dad.

I poured out the wine
so we can put a candle in it.

- You can't beat that view of the alley.
- Yeah.

MINH: Hey, Peggy Hill!

Connie want to have
your Bobby over to play.

You had him fixed, right?

I'm glad you find my son's sickness
so amusing.

If he were living in a plastic bubble,
I would be having lunch with Elton John.

But because he is in a doghouse...

Big laugh.

You know what would be really funny?

If Connie broke her leg!

Oh, look. We got a letter from Bobby.

Apparently, he can't make it to
the Gribbles' anniversary party. That's...

Hank, people are starting to talk.

Well, let them talk.
I say this is good for Bobby.

He's learning a little bit about
the real world out there in the doghouse.

And look at you
with the spiffiest new office in town.

Yes. It is everything
I have always deserved.

But I have turned our son into a stranger.

I am moving back into the closet.

Well, if that's what you think is best...

I guess I'll set up Ladybird
in Bobby's room, then.

Don't let Ladybird...
LB in the room until I'm finished.

I want it to be a surprise.

We got some of your mail here.

Suddenly everybody wants to sell
Bobby Hill a security system.

So, your mother was wanting to see you.

How does dinner on Thursday sound?

Thursday's poker night.

The stripper comes over at 9:00.

I'm just yanking your chain.

She's over at 8:00.

Little help?

BOBBY: If I get one more Frisbee,
I'm opening a store.

REPORTER: Mayor Bridgewater said
a financial feasibility study...

You gonna hog all of that pillow?

Bobby, it's covered with Ladybird's hair.

Oh, thank God!
I thought I was losing mine.

You're not sneezing
or hacking up something gross.

Maybe it's the pills.

I started taking two of the yellows
with half a red.

My heart stopped beating funny
and I didn't cry as much at school.

So, your allergies are under control?

Yeah. How about that?

But my dislike for local news continues.

I guess that means
you'll be moving back into the house.

I may be well, but I'm not stupid.

I am not giving up this doghouse.
You got that?

Connie, look at me. You got that?

Say it.

- I got that.
- Good.

[Toaster clinks]

That would be our toaster pastries.

I own my own house.

Hey, everybody, look what
the gun club made for our anniversary.

After dessert, they're going to fire
15 bullets into our hearts...

one for every year of conjugal bliss.

[All exclaiming softly]

Okay, now,
everyone get into single file for dessert.

[Rifle clicking]

Single file.

I'm sorry Bobby isn't here.

I'm sure he would have loved the desserts.

Say, what if I give you one to take home
for him in a doggy bag?

My son does not eat leftovers.

Oh, that's right.

Once you get them on the table scraps,
they won't eat their kibble.

Doghouse.

Come on, Ladybird, don't make me beg.

Please, Ladybird, be a good dog.

It's my fault, Peggy.
I raised her in a real house.

Well, I have no choice.

You'll have to walk her
when it's time to go.

- She won't go in her own yard.
- I'm the same way.

Yeah, and when you change her water...

mix in two tablespoons of red wine
for her heart.

Let's be honest.

Neither one of us is any good
at saying goodbyes.

I'll, uh, see you when I see you.

All right, get yourself washed up.
We don't eat with dirty fingernails.

You go ahead without me.
I'm just gonna order a pizza.

- We're having chicken and broccoli.
- Okay.

You can have some of my pizza
if you want.

The only pizza you'll be having
is chicken and broccoli pizza...

without the crust and the pizza sauce.

But plenty of cheese, because
that's the way your mother makes it.

Delicious chicken and broccoli, Mother.

No! I've been down this road...

Before!

Oh, my goodness!
Bobby, honey, are you okay?

Has Ladybird been in the house?

- Hank?
- No.

Well, Bill brought her by the alley.
She gave me her paw. But...

What am I supposed to do?

Leave her hanging?
That would have been rude.

Rude.

Hank, you could have dragged dander
into this house.

Don't panic.

There's no need to send me
back out to the doghouse yet.

Hello. This is Bobby Hill.

I'd like to order a large pizza
with everything.

Ladybird?

I'm sorry,
but she won't go in her own yard.

[Hank sniffs sadly]

[Vacuum cleaner humming]

Peggy, it's like I told you, the crawl space
under the house is spotless.

I shouldn't have cleaned this book first.
It's too engaging. I can't put it down.

Peggy, there's nothing in here.

We've already gone
through the house twice.

Hank, give me a boost.

I bet those light fixtures
are the perfect dander magnet.

I can't see it, but I know it's in there.

Pack your bags, you flaky bastards!
Dust mop!

I can't believe I didn't eat this last night.

- What are you doing?
- I thought I'd clean up a bit.

I like it the way it is.
That is why it is the way it is.

You used to have the best-looking
doghouse in the neighborhood!

Now I bet it isn't even in the top 10!

Why don't you move back in?

Every night your dad has to watch
another man brush his dog.

Every time Ladybird wags her tail,
your father dies a little.

It was my dad's idea to move me
in here in the first place...

so just relax. We got a good thing going.

As long as I keep sneezing,
the lady next door can't say boo.

[Dog barking]

No pop-ins! Get out of here!

Out, out!

Out!

Bill is gonna get it!

[Bill chuckling]

That's so cute.

I made that game up.
That's our game. I wanna play.

Those two look more alike after a week
than you did after 10 years.

I've never dang old seen that little dog
so happy, man.

Talking about that little dog's life,
you know, Bill's best friend, man.

You want a beer, man?

I don't wanna associate beer
with this kind of pain.

Bobby, I brought you an air freshener.

[Gasps]

Peggy: [Whistling] Bobby!
Come on, Bobby Hill!

BOBBY: Were we robbed?

They took the carpeting.

Robbers wouldn't do this good of a job
sanding and triple-varnishing the floors.

We cleaned this house top to bottom
for you, Bobby.

It is clean enough
to make computer chips in.

Don't be afraid to breathe, Bobby.

It's the only way we can find out
if we got all the dander.

[Sneezing]

Damn it.

I knew we should have
steam-cleaned the ceiling...

but that guy was so damn smug.

[Peggy sighs dejectedly]

Boy, the place sure feels empty.

You know, no carpet, no dog, no son.

Maybe I'll just go over to Bill's house.

Hank, remember what I told the doctor.
You should not even touch Ladybird.

Okay, Hank, you got five minutes.

I won't say her name
because then she'll just get all excited...

and jump up on me. I can't have that.

No. She's starting to wag.
Dale, quick. Tape her tail to her leg.

I'm on it.

[Ladybird barking]

Ladybird? No! Get out!

Dad, look. I'm cured.

I found a combination of pills that work.
See?

Hey, girl, welcome home. You, too, boy.

Thank you, Dad.

HANK: You're ready?

All right.

I have a client in here I am trying to tutor,
so cool it down!

Okay. Water.

- Agua.
- Perfect.

Good boy.

DALE: We all came to see
the opening of a doghouse!

DALE: We all came to see
the opening of a doghouse!