King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 5, Episode 13 - Ho, Yeah! - full transcript

MAN: Yahoo!

Sir, I am very sorry we shorted you
on your propane delivery.

Even though this was
the new gal's mistake...

I'll be noting it on my own record as well.
I'll be right out there.

Hank, let's go to lunch.
I have been craving cheese all morning.

Sorry, I can't take you to lunch today.

That new gal Buck hired?
Well, long story short...

she's dumb as a charcoal briquette.

TAMMI: Yo, dude.

I might have messed something else up.

This dude called.
And he was talking so fast.



Propane this, something gas that.
I was, like, whoa.

Dang. I am such a spaz.

Tammi, this is my wife Peggy.

Peggy, this is our new
customer-service associate, Tammi.

You know, you look a lot like
the last girl Buck hired.

Of course she's dead now.

We'll have lunch another time.
Maybe tonight.

You know, if you've got no one
else to have lunch with...

I'll go with you.

I mean, only if you want to.

Oh, no, I'm just trying to think
if there's anything else I need to do.

Well, shall we?

I'll get my hair spray.

What do you order here?
This menu is totally wack.



Personally, I like the La Crépe Suzette.

Get out. You talk French?

[Speaking Spanish]

Actually, I am a substitute
español teacher.

That is so slamming.

Well, when you think about it,
I suppose it is slamming.

Your parents must be psyched.

No.

I could be queen of Egypt
and my mother wouldn't give a hoot.

Wow.

I really know that trip.

My mom and I haven't talked
since I dropped out of school.

Or maybe it was since I totaled her Vette.

Your mother drove a Corvette?

Chevette.

You would not have dropped
out of school on Peggy Hill's watch.

I make learning fun, incredibly fun.

Well, that's why I moved here
from Oklahoma City.

I just wanted to start over,
you know, maybe get my GED.

Dang, I'm thirsty. Hey, Pierre!

How about a couple of Diet Cokes?

Pierre? Well, look
who's talking French now.

The Thai food was Tammi's idea.

The notion of taking it out was mine.

Someday I would like
to travel to Thairabia...

and see those pyramids.

So, Luanne, you go to community college?

That is awesome. I am totally impressed.

I've never even finished a whole book.

Well, that's just because
you've never had the right tutor.

If Helen Keller can graduate from college...

you can certainly get your GED.

My G-freaking-ED?

Your learning adventure begins
tomorrow after work, at your place.

If you have cats, please vacuum.

My place?

Actually, I kind of got kicked out
of my apartment last night.

So I'm living out of the car.
But we can meet at Starbucks.

[Pager beeping]

Could I use the phone in your bedroom?

It's long-distance. But I'll pay you back.

"Could" you or "can" you? You may.

Hank, we are not letting Tammi
sleep in her car.

Let's give her the den until
she gets back on her feet.

Not my den. No way.

It took me two years
to get this one out of there.

If Boomhauer got kicked out of his house,
you would let him stay in the den.

Yes. But Boomhauer is a family friend.

Plus, he's immaculate.

Tammi!

Hank and I just discussed it.

And I insist that you stay with us
until you find a new place.

What? But...

You guys are the raddest.

This calls for a celebration.
I'm staying up till 11:00.

My dad's taking the truck
to a swap meet this weekend...

so I'd better take
scratch-and-ding inventory now.

[Car horn honking]

Hang on a sec!

That Tammi's quite a dish.

Frankly though, I think
my Nancy has a nicer can.

Hank, do you think Nancy has
a nicer can than Tammi's can?

My wife's can vis-à-vis
your wife's friend's can?

Stop it, Dale.

It's bad enough
I have to live with her now.

Running around the house
in those miniskirts.

That pager never stops beeping.

And I've had it up to here with her
coming in all hours of the night.

How do my girls look, Hank?

I wouldn't know.

Well, where are you off to
all jazzed up like that?

I'm just going to hang out with a friend.

Oh, another friend.

I'm sorry. I thought I was your friend.
Who is this other friend?

He's an old bud from Oklahoma City.

You know,
passing through town on business.

Maybe your old bud
would like to meet your new bud.

Definitely. Definitely next time.

Hey. Long time no see.

You still charging
your Oklahoma City rate?

$100 a throw, up front, like always.

I know a place where we can park.

Boy, Peggy. I don't know.

I'm beginning to suspect
that Tammi is a, well...

a freeloader.

No, she is not.

If there is one thing I know,
Hank, it is people.

And Tammi is good people.

DALE: See you.

She took the best piece of ham.

I was saving that for Ladybird.

Hey, everybody. I'm home.

I thought you were going out
with your other friend.

He was just in town for the hour.

That's odd. Why would he...

Hank, before I forget, this is for you.
It's $50.

I mean, you guys have been
so amazing to me.

It's the least I can do, you know, for using
your phone and chowing your food.

That makes the score, Peggy Hill: One,
and people who doubt Peggy Hill: Zero.

Yeah. That bottom paper tray
needs to be filled.

- It's full.
- Well, top it off.

You know, Tammi,
I run a private propane-tutorial retreat...

up at my lake house.

If you got a thirst for knowledge
and margaritas, I'm free this weekend.

Thanks, Buck. But...

I'm pretty booked up this weekend.

Most weekends actually.

Donna, get in here.

Boy. I had her all wrong.

It takes a lot of character to stand up
to Buck when he turns on that charm.

Oh, Hank. Tammi's got more sense
than to go after a married man.

Poor kid. She's probably very lonely
and it doesn't help that we're waving...

our happy marriage in her face
all the time.

Hey, why don't I introduce Tammi
to some of the single guys on my route?

Maybe she'll meet a nice fellow
to settle down with.

She is gonna make someone a great wife.

But it's gonna have to be someone
who can hold her interest.

Her dates never last more than an hour.

Howdy, Hank. Well, who's this?

HANK: This is Tammi Duvall.

She's new over at Strickland.

Lane Pratley of Pratley Cadillac Hyundai.

As in, the owner.

Oh!

Cool. Nice to meet you.

Well, I'm gonna go check the tanks.

So, feel free to talk while I'm gone.

Fine, fine. So...

how long you been in town?

I think I also better check the gaskets.

That's fine!

So, how long you been in town?

Dang.

'"Official GED Practice Tests. '"

Do you really think I can pass?

Oh, please.

People who haven't even graduated
from high school can do this.

Now, here is the first book
you're going to finish.

'"Congo, by Michael Crichton."

This is the kind of book
people read on planes.

Now, that would look hot on you.

Oh, no. I could never wear
something that bold.

Why not? You've sure got the legs.
You ought to show them off.

That dress is pretty rad.

We'll hit the make-up counter.
And when I'm through with you...

believe me, honey,
you are gonna be stopping cars.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, Dad.

Them's the keys to my Cadillac car.

Remember, under no circumstances...

is the wife allowed in my Cadillac car.

Unless she's in a bag in the trunk.

I know.

Have fun at the swap meet.

I hope you cleaned
the bed liner in your truck.

I don't want no dirt on Hitler's canoe.

[Doorbell rings]

Hank, would you mind seeing
if that's for me? I'm not ready yet.

Well, I'll be god-danged.

- Do I know you?
- I don't think so.

- You ever work Houston?
- No.

- Vegas?
- No.

- Tijuana?
- No.

- Reno?
- No.

Hey, Mr. Burton.
Is everything okay with your tanks?

I safety-checked them this afternoon.

Oh, right. Yeah.

The tanks are fine.
I'm just here for, you know...

Tammi. We have a date.

Well, hold on. I'll go get her.

- The Philippines?
- No.

Bangkok?

I think I would have remembered you.

Don't be so sure, sweet cheeks.

I've been known to give a girl amnesia.

Dad, please don't bring us back
another Japanese skull.

It's just gonna gather dust.

Tammi, Miles Burton's at the door.

He says he's got a date with you.
What's that about?

Hank, you introduced us.

But I thought you were going out
with Lane Pratley tonight.

I am.

After my date with Miles.

Oh. I see.

Nothing wrong with
having lots of different suitors.

That's the way dating used to be,
back in my mom's day.

This is a little present for you...

because you are so rad.

And this is next week's rent in advance.

You are one class act, I tell you what.

And...

I have one more surprise for y'all.

- Peggy, you ready?
- As always.

Presenting the new, improved...

Peggy Hill.

Whoa!

What? You don't like it.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I do.

You look hot.

Well, that's true.

Okay, everybody, I gotta fly. Peace out.

I wonder what she got me.

[Hank chuckles]

I kind of like it.

Well, we look like a couple of movie stars.

We sure do, baby.

Yup.

Yup.

All right. If no one's going to
say it to you, Hank, I'll say it.

I am jealous of that hat.

Me, too.

Yeah, man. That dang thing
is a smooth little hat, man.

Yeah. I tell you, it's pretty sporty.

I've got to wear it around
to break in the felt.

I don't mean to put you
on the spot, Hank, but...

do you think I'd have a shot with Tammi?

Look, Bill, you're a great guy.
But I've set her up with...

some of the most
prominent men in Arlen.

And none of them has been good enough...

for her to date exclusively.
She's very selective.

Reverend Stroup.

Hank.

Give me the money.

Come here.

Donald, let go of me.

Hey, come on.

I mean it.

Hey, don't you ever lay your hands
on a lady. You understand?

Okay. You're ripping the jacket.

Now, what's the problem here?

This hosebag owes me money.

Give her the money, friend.
I'm not gonna ask you twice.

Okay. But she...

You mess with her, you mess with me.
Now, hand over the money!

Okay, all right. We're cool, okay?

Yeah, we're cool. Now, beat it.

Hank, man, you are the bomb.

Well, from the reaction we're getting,
I guess...

they haven't had two pretty women
in this library in a while.

Dude, check out the feet
on the one on the left.

- It's gotta be a guy.
- But there's no Adam's apple.

- They can fix that.
- I've been with worse.

Mrs. Hill, is that you?

Well, hello, Mike.

You must be Mrs. Soto. Hello.

I am Peggy Hill, Mike's teacher.

You're a teacher?

Why are you dressed like that?

What? Is there a dress code
for teachers now?

Some chicks just hate it
when other chicks look hotter.

Story of my life.

Can I help you?

Allow me to introduce myself.

Alabaster Jones.

The main mack daddy of Oklahoma City.

Miss Tammi Duvall works for me.

I am her manager.

Well, she works for me now.

I am her manager.
Technically, assistant manager.

It ain't like that, G. I am her pimp.

Pimp?

You must have her confused
with somebody else.

The Tammi Duvall I know,
works at Strickland Propane.

Man, don't be giving me no nut roll.
I ain't no chili pimp.

I got the wire on that propane scam
you working.

You've been tricking Tammi out
all over town.

Driving around in your Caddy,
shaking J's down for bills.

Pretty sweet little operation
you got going on, for a small-town player.

Son of a...

[Screams]

I can't believe this. I... but she...

Believe it, homie. She's my ho.

And I better have my ho in my car...

ready to go back to my 'hood in one hour.

Or you're gonna be my ho. You dig?

[Gasps]

Yeah. Bet it seemed like
the sweet life at first.

Trick out a couple of ladies,
make some spare scratch.

But you never see the dark side
until those silk sheets...

form a noose around your neck.

Shut up, Dale. I gotta find Tammi.

Hey, bring me back the redhead!

You! Alabaster came by my house.

Oh, dang.

Who is Alabaster?

Tammi's pimp. She is a prostitute.

Hank, that is a terrible thing to say.
Why would you even think that?

Because Tammi is a hooker!

Is this true?

Peggy, I'm totally sorry.

[Gasps]

You, get out your hooker stuff
of my house.

[Gasps]

MIKE: Goodbye, Mrs. Hill!

Bye, Mike. See you at school.

Well, did you really even want to get
your GED? Or was that just another lie?

No. I wanted to go straight so bad.

But I was making
janky-ass pay at Strickland.

And I was never gonna save
enough money to move out of your place...

and I just, fell back into the life.

[Pager beeping]

[Grunts angrily]

But I'm almost finished with Congo.
I'm up to the part where they...

shoot the super-monkeys
with the ray gun.

You actually are reading it.

Tammi, you compromised
the sanctity of my propane route.

Now I have to look that pervert
Lane Pratley in the eye...

and he thinks I'm a pimp.

Dude, nobody thinks you're a pimp.

But if you were a pimp...

you'd be the coolest, nicest...

most awesome pimp there ever was.

What the...

Alabaster!

Hank, quick. Turn there.

Oh, damn!

I'm on your ass, man.

All right, hang on. This is gonna get hairy.

What are you doing?

Getting him just where I want him.

[Sighs in relief]

What? He ran a red. You can't do that.

All right, I'll lose him in the alley.

[Tires screeching]

That's it. Hank, pull over.

- Let me out.
- Tammi, no.

This isn't your problem. You dudes
have already done more for me...

than anyone ever has.

I'm gonna go back to OKC with Alabaster.

Hank, please don't let her.
Granted she's a prostitute...

and she did use you as something
of a pimp. But we all make mistakes.

[Sighs]

You stay here.

Hank, don't. Alabaster's a little guy,
but he'll mess you up.

No offense, but he's from Oklahoma.

Peggy, give me the hat.

All right, man, get out of that jalopy
and let's talk some business.

So, you ready to give me my ho back?

She's not going anywhere, chump.
But I am a fair businessman.

So here's all the money
she's given me so far.

Man, this feels a little light.

- You jacking me?
- I am the mack daddy of Heimlich County.

I play it straight up, yo.

You get the hell out of my 'hood!

She's my ho now.

All right, man, you can have her.

I got a stable of hoes
waiting on me in the OKC.

Yo, what you want
for that jasper brunette?

That is my wife.

Man, that's the biggest mistake
a pimp could make...

marrying one of his hoes.

Hank.

What are you looking at?

Please, Hank, don't turn me out.

I'm no good. Ask anyone. Ask my wife.

No, Dale. We're all going straight.

From now on, the only woman
I'm pimping is sweet lady propane.

And I'm tricking her out all over this town.

HANK: Alabaster!