King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 3, Episode 22 - Death and Texas - full transcript
While Peggy is tricked into smuggling cocaine to a death row inmate, who is her former student, Dale decides that he wants to be an executioner.
The fork and the spoon
jumped over the moon ?
no.
[moans]
you got a letter.
[sniffing]
it smells like the letters
luanne used to get
from her mom in prison.
Only prisonier.
Hmm, "archer"?
I don't know anyon
e named archer.
[mumbling]
hey, I've been pre-approved for a gold card.
Who wants ice cream?
Uh-oh.
[moaning]
[peggy sighs]
listen to this.
It's from an old student
of mine.
He's on death row.
"and as I raise my hand
"for possibly
my final question,
"i hope that Miss peggy hill
will call on me one more time.
"because she is
the person who has had
"the most positive
impact on my life.
Sincerely,
wesley martin archer."
That's a good name
for a killer.
What was he like, mom?
Did he speak
real proper english,
like an evil genius?
I think maybe
he had wavy brown hair
or was he that albino boy?
Well, it'll all come back
to me when I see him.
Oh, wait a second here.
You're not thinking
of going into a prison,
are you?
Hank, I am
a substitute teacher.
I flit in and out
of people's lives,
and I never know
if I've made a difference.
With this boy,
I did make an impact.
Uh, he's in prison, peggy.
(hank)
dang it, peggy.
Some of these guys
haven't seen a woman
since they killed their wives.
If you're gonna
insist on going,
do you have to be
all decked out
?
like some disco dancer
hank, please.
Death row is perfectly safe.
There's a code of conduct
that all prisoners
are obligated to obey.
[car engine starts]
I tell you what,
hank, man,
she's like dang ol
d susan sarandon
in that movie, man
, spicoli, man.
Talking about
taste the waves
cool buzz, you know.
Are you just
gonna joke your way
through your
entire life, boomhauer?
Don't snap at boomhaue
r just because
you're losing control
of your woman.
Believe me, hank,
if you don't stop it here,
.
the next step'll be
cutting your allowance
oh, you can't rein
peggy in, dale.
Peggy's like a wild mare.
She needs to run free,
her chestnut mane
blowing in the wind,
flanks glistening
with sweat.
I'll stop now.
Hey! Death row.
?
You think peggy' s
gonna meet the executioner
well, she only
mentioned the murderer.
Executioning.
For us exterminators,
that's the major league.
The show.
[yelps]
[gate creaking]
[metal detector beeping]
empty your bag
on that table.
We'll hold on to this.
A con could use
a mascara applicator
to scoop a man's eye
right out of his head.
[door buzzing]
hola, senora hill.
You don't remember me.
That's ok.
Someone like you
touches so many lives.
Well, yes, I--I guess I do
. Who'd you kill?
I killed myself.
At least
I might as well have,
as bad as I
feel about it.
One night I went
with my buddy ray
over to his friend's house.
Only he wasn't home.
So I gave ray
a boost up to the window.
He couldn't climb up
and hold his gun
at the same time.
That's why we were there,
to return his friend's gun.
Mmm-hmm, I can see where
this is going. Go on.
So we get inside,
and it turns out
the guy was home.
He was screaming,
alarms were ringing,
and when a guy yells,
"don't shoot!"
believe me,
it has the opposite effect.
I just panicked.
The next thing I know,
his head was blown off.
It would be
a comedy of errors
.
if it wasn't so tragic
now you don't Miss a thing,
do you?
How do you say:
"peggy hill is the smartest,
most talented woman on earth"
in spanish?
Well, hmm...
That would be,
"peggy hill es bueno."
The prison may think
10 back issues
of us magazine
and a bible make a library,
but I do not.
Wesley needs more than that
to expand his mind.
?
Why bother
helping him at all
he's just
gonna be executed.
Very nice, hank.
You know,
wes had only the best things
to say about you.
He was supportive
about your problems
with your father.
You gave a convict
personal information about...
[gasps]
how could you be that naive?
Naive?
Do you know what a prisoner
could do with this? I do.
He could jab it
into your windpipe,
and you would be dead
in 2 minutes.
Glasses are not a weapon.
Guns are a weapon.
You used to know that.
What color
is your parachute?
Is a wonderful boo
k about finding
your inner self.
Oh, this is so great.
Mrs. Hill, have you
ever played "what if?"
"what if?"
is that the one
where you guys see how quickly
you can stab a knife
around your fingers?
Oh, that game's fun,
but I don't
think it has a name.
Hmm. How about
"stab-scotch"?
Stab-scotch.
That's real good, Mrs. Hill.
But, uh, back to what if.
I can't help thinking,
"what if
mrs. Hill had been
my full-time teacher?"
maybe I'd be able
to read these books.
You can't read?
Now, that is a crime.
Look, I know it'd be
unfair to ask,
but if you would come in
and tutor me, well, whoo.
What's the happiest color
on earth?
Yellow.
Well, then my parachute
would be yellow.
You gave that bastard
our travel version
of the guinness
book of world records
and now you're gonna
teach him to read it?
Hank, I'm a teacher.
I sell knowledge.
And it doesn't matter to who.
Whom.
Even murderers?
You work with propane.
And that kills people.
Only when used by people
that don't know
how to handle it.
And I know
how to handle it.
And I know
how to handle myself.
I am not some
corset-wearing lady
who passes out
with the vapors
at the drop of a hat
or a sudden garroting.
[sighing]
dang it, peggy.
I-- you can't just...
.
Ok, that's it.
You leave me no choice
u
for your own good,
I am forbidding yo
to go back there.
You forbid me?
Unless you decide
on your own not to go,
'cause I'll still
support that.
Nobody forbids peggy hill.
(peggy)
well, obviously,
since there's only one of you,
I cannot grade on a curve.
But every day
an assignment is late
is one grade off
and a day in the hole.
[laughing]
oh, peggy.
Oh, that's beautiful.
Is that me?
It's an apple.
oh.
So, you're telling me
you'll spray
the entire prison
for just $1 a month?
My word is my bond, sir.
Due to the fact the state
wouldn't bond me
or insure me.
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, of course,
the invoice will say $2,000,
but that's just procedure.
I think we've got
ourselves a deal.
[laughing]
I read your manual,
and as an official employee
of the prison system,
I now qualify
to be the executioner.
Yeah, where's old sparky?
.
Old sparky's been
put out to pasture
we use lethal injection.
Ok, then where's old squirty?
Dead is dead.
I don't care how we get there.
Mr. Gribble,
generally we choose
one of the guards
to be the executioner
and there's a rather long list
of volunteers already.
Put me on it.
Please, please, please.
Well, all right.
You'll be number 129.
Wingo!
I'm gonna kill a killer ?
I'm gonna kill a killer ??
Mom, you're covering up
my essay
on why pollution is bad.
It got a "shows improvement."
Sorry, bobby,but I guess
we're just gonna have to
murder somebody
if we want
your mom's attention.
ok.
[humming]
hey, sam.
[metal detector beeping]
[metal detector beeping]
hold it.
Oh, yeah!
Wes, you're supposed
to start finding words.
Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Hill.
I'm just not used to
such creative teaching.
Hey,don't you dare
touch her!
You leave Mrs. Hill alone!
[gasps]
[grunting]
no, stop it!
[groaning]
she's too good for you!
She's teaching me to read!
Oh, good god.
[birds chirping]
??[humming]
excuse me. Do you know
if these gloves
are good for killing a man?
[grunting]
[laughing fiendishly]
[sighing]
it was only 3 days
in the pit.
.
I thought the guard
was gonna touch your..
Bottom.
Oh, I tried to tell them
that you meant no harm,
but they would not listen.
Heck. They're all as dumb
as a bucket of dirt.
Anyway, that's why
they hate boggle.
They hate boggle?
.
Only because
we love boggle
when I was little,
my meema played
on her boggle set
all the time.
I just watched,
being illiterate and all,
but I dreamed of someday
playing on that set.
Peggy, if you get me
my boggle set,
you could make
that dream come true.
I am a dream weaver.
[dog barking]
so, jennette,
I did not realize
they allowed
wesley conjugal visits.
[train horn blowing]
wes better
get the whole set.
Oh, rock me, amadeus!
Now, wes,
you shake the letters,
not the timer.
[laughing]
oh, right.
All right,
who covered wes' drawing
with this crap?
Uh, peggy, I just
thought that
maybe if you saw some
happy pictures
you might do happy things,
like not visiting death row.
Let me paint you
a happy picture, hank.
A broken-down, illiterate man
e
with nothing but death
staring him in the fac
,
spells out the word "party
" with his family boggle set
and then he croons
white christmas to me
as I leave his cell
for the day.
Now, that is
a happy picture, hank.
And then everybody
started fighting,
and the guards were in there
just a-swinging their clubs.
And I--I couldn't get to
the boggle set in time.
It was ruined?
.
Oh, just the timer
.
jennette will
give you a new one
[birds chirping]
wes is a little slow.
He needs more time.
Well, you realize
.
that this is not
a regulation timer
.
this will make
tournament play
impossible for wes
oh.
[police siren wailing]
ok.
I know it was stupid,
but we were playing
out in the yard
and the top fell off.
Jennette will give you
some more timer sand.
What about
using a watch?
Peggy, that's not real boggle.
[birds chirping]
[dog barking]
well, this should certainl
y last him a while.
[scribbling]
]
??[humming
you're not writing, wes.
All right. I'm gonna
give you one tiny hint.
Oh, rats!
There's tar on my star-art.
[groans]
wes, what is it?
I, uh, I can't let
the guard see me cry.
-
If they sense
some weakness-
Guard, could you pleas
e give us some space?
You are inhibiting
his wordplay.
I have something
to tell you.
Can you hear me?
.
I can hear you
good.
Peggy, all this timer sand
you've been bringing me--
.
Oh, don't mention that
this is coke, peggy.
You've been
smuggling me cocaine.
That's a federal offense.
And you know what?
You're gonna
bring me more of it.
Is this some kind of a--
How stupid can you be?
I never had you as a teacher.
I grew up in arkansas.
I'm almost 40
for cripe's sakes!
I wrote every teacher
in the arlen yearbook.
You were the only sap
dumb enough to answer.
g
So all that about bein
the only positive
influence on you--
Here's what you're gonna do.
You're going to bring me
a brick of cocaine
every week.
And that's not all.
You know what else
I want, peggy hill?
2 times a month...
My sloppy joe is
all sloppy and no joe.
I forgot to add the meat.
How could I be
so freaking stupid?
Luanne, bobby,
why don't you go
get some money from my purse
and go out for pizza?
[sighing]
[door slams]
[crying]
oh, hank!
It's so awful!
Hank, I've been
smuggling cocaine in to wes.
Smuggling cocaine?
That's got to be illegal,
peggy.
Well, I thought
it was boggle sand.
Now he's making
all kinds of demands.
"one box of pornography,
a jug of corn liquor,
"a farrah fawcett poster,
"a milwaukee sawzall,
and a brick of cocaine
on every tuesday."
[sighing]
well, he certainly
revealed his true colors.
I don't think you'll be
going back to see him again.
Hank, I have to
or he will turn me in.
They will send me to jail.
[crying]
I guess you're happy now.
You get to say,
"i told you so."
[sniffling]
jerk.
[sighing]
look, don't panic.
He's not gonna turn you in
. He's just bluffing.
.
He has nothing to gain
well, he has
nothing to lose either.
Hank, there's no row
after death row.
[phone ringing]
that's wes.
Don't answer it.
.
I'll handle this.
Murderers are just bullies
if you stand up to them,
they always crumble.
This is hank hill.
You, huh?
Well, you're not getting
any more
of your funny timer sand
and you're gonna
leave my wife alone.
Uh-huh.
No, your ass is mine
because we've got a plan.
Sure we do.
It's a terrific plan.
We discarded
2 perfectly good plans
when we came up
with this great one.
Why didn't you tell me
about our terrific plan?
Peggy, I made that up.
And the other 2 plans?
Uh, he says if he doesn't
get his coke by noon tuesday,
he's gonna turn you in
just for fun.
Look, just go to the warden,
and tell him you were naiv
e and that wes tricked you.
I can't.
They made me
watch a short film
about the danger
of smuggling things
in to the prisoners.
It was called
don't be a mule.
[crying]
I even got 100% on the tes
t they gave me afterwards.
Well, you can't smuggl
e any more drugs in,
that's for sure.
Hey, what would happen
if we just gave wes
a brick of
regular timer sand?
Well, we can't do that.
He is going
to deal this batch
to the aryan brotherhood.
If they think he tried
to pull a fast one--
They would make
a pincushion out of him.
Unless he tastes it.
He always
tasted the timer sand
when I brought it in.
.
I didn't think
anything of it at the time
he always said
it was very good timer sand.
"primo."
[crying]
well, it's 12:40.
I think you're in the clear.
Well, maybe the phone
isn't working.
Hank, there's no dial tone.
Oh! Hello? Well, this is
the freakiest thing.
I didn't even hear
the phone ring. I was just--
Yes, warden, I understand.
I will be there.
Ok. He wants me to come in
and explain myself tomorrow.
Well, I guess I'd better
make bobby's lunch
for the next
2 to 5 years.
[crying]
what's going on?
huh?
Uh, nothing.
Hey, who's in the mood
for some fun?
[arcade machine zapping]
[arcade machine beeping]
look, mom, gilda's
trapped in a fortress,
but I'm gonna break her free.
[both grunting]
[sighs]
oh, my sweet, swee
t little boy.
.
Uh, peggy, i, uh..
How're you set
for quarters?
No, that's--that's not
what I meant to say.
Uh, look, you said
the other day
you've never had
a positive impact
on anybody's life.
Well, I want you to know
that you have.
I-i'd hate to think
where bobby, luanne, and I
would be without you.
[sighing]
come on. Those moles
aren't gonna
whack themselves.
Uh, go!
[moles squeaking]
[crying]
[crying]
(dale)
it is my destiny
to be the nameless,
faceless executioner.
But do not fear me,
for I am just part
of the circle of life.
The last part.
[laughing]
made you flinch.
Lunch!
[alarm ringing]
[yelling]
e
mrs. Hill,
did you smuggle cocain
?
into my prison
I came to this prison
to make an impact, to help.
Help how?
By getting me hooked?
Do you give all
your students drugs?
That's not the right way
to motivate us.
I never meant to--
Tell him, peggy.
Tell him about
the boggle timer.
Stop rushing me.
Come clean.
Tell him the truth.
I came here
to tell the truth.
I would never dream
of telling anything else.
[sniffing]
I never saw this man
before in my life.
And--and what I mean
by that is
I did not bring him cocaine.
I would like to please see
the evidence against me.
But there's
no cocaine in there.
.
In fact, it looks like
it's been licked clean
well, I--I had a little bit
left this morning
but this was
an important meeting.
I wanted to be
up for it.
So, this is the only
evidence against me?
It should be enough.
I didn't bring in a thing.
I swear to god
she smuggled
cocaine in to me!
So, uh, I guess
it's this convict's word
against my wife's.
Now, let's see.
Who can we trust?
Peggy, have you ever
decapitated anyone?
No, I don't believe I have.
How about you, wes?
[growling]
g
have you ever done anythin
that caused
a man's head to come off?
[gasping]
[grunting]
[wes screaming]
[wes groaning]
well, I guess
someone owes me an apology.
I wouldn't
hold your breath.
d
I don't think
wes even apologize
for those people
he killed.
I was talking about you.
Oh! I'm sorry.
Well, do you even know
what you're apologizing for?
No. I'm sorry,
but I don't.
I accept.
You apologized
because you said
I couldn't take care
of myself, and I can.
So there.
All right.
I thought it had
something to do
with the prison.
(bobby)
all sloppy and no joe.
jumped over the moon ?
no.
[moans]
you got a letter.
[sniffing]
it smells like the letters
luanne used to get
from her mom in prison.
Only prisonier.
Hmm, "archer"?
I don't know anyon
e named archer.
[mumbling]
hey, I've been pre-approved for a gold card.
Who wants ice cream?
Uh-oh.
[moaning]
[peggy sighs]
listen to this.
It's from an old student
of mine.
He's on death row.
"and as I raise my hand
"for possibly
my final question,
"i hope that Miss peggy hill
will call on me one more time.
"because she is
the person who has had
"the most positive
impact on my life.
Sincerely,
wesley martin archer."
That's a good name
for a killer.
What was he like, mom?
Did he speak
real proper english,
like an evil genius?
I think maybe
he had wavy brown hair
or was he that albino boy?
Well, it'll all come back
to me when I see him.
Oh, wait a second here.
You're not thinking
of going into a prison,
are you?
Hank, I am
a substitute teacher.
I flit in and out
of people's lives,
and I never know
if I've made a difference.
With this boy,
I did make an impact.
Uh, he's in prison, peggy.
(hank)
dang it, peggy.
Some of these guys
haven't seen a woman
since they killed their wives.
If you're gonna
insist on going,
do you have to be
all decked out
?
like some disco dancer
hank, please.
Death row is perfectly safe.
There's a code of conduct
that all prisoners
are obligated to obey.
[car engine starts]
I tell you what,
hank, man,
she's like dang ol
d susan sarandon
in that movie, man
, spicoli, man.
Talking about
taste the waves
cool buzz, you know.
Are you just
gonna joke your way
through your
entire life, boomhauer?
Don't snap at boomhaue
r just because
you're losing control
of your woman.
Believe me, hank,
if you don't stop it here,
.
the next step'll be
cutting your allowance
oh, you can't rein
peggy in, dale.
Peggy's like a wild mare.
She needs to run free,
her chestnut mane
blowing in the wind,
flanks glistening
with sweat.
I'll stop now.
Hey! Death row.
?
You think peggy' s
gonna meet the executioner
well, she only
mentioned the murderer.
Executioning.
For us exterminators,
that's the major league.
The show.
[yelps]
[gate creaking]
[metal detector beeping]
empty your bag
on that table.
We'll hold on to this.
A con could use
a mascara applicator
to scoop a man's eye
right out of his head.
[door buzzing]
hola, senora hill.
You don't remember me.
That's ok.
Someone like you
touches so many lives.
Well, yes, I--I guess I do
. Who'd you kill?
I killed myself.
At least
I might as well have,
as bad as I
feel about it.
One night I went
with my buddy ray
over to his friend's house.
Only he wasn't home.
So I gave ray
a boost up to the window.
He couldn't climb up
and hold his gun
at the same time.
That's why we were there,
to return his friend's gun.
Mmm-hmm, I can see where
this is going. Go on.
So we get inside,
and it turns out
the guy was home.
He was screaming,
alarms were ringing,
and when a guy yells,
"don't shoot!"
believe me,
it has the opposite effect.
I just panicked.
The next thing I know,
his head was blown off.
It would be
a comedy of errors
.
if it wasn't so tragic
now you don't Miss a thing,
do you?
How do you say:
"peggy hill is the smartest,
most talented woman on earth"
in spanish?
Well, hmm...
That would be,
"peggy hill es bueno."
The prison may think
10 back issues
of us magazine
and a bible make a library,
but I do not.
Wesley needs more than that
to expand his mind.
?
Why bother
helping him at all
he's just
gonna be executed.
Very nice, hank.
You know,
wes had only the best things
to say about you.
He was supportive
about your problems
with your father.
You gave a convict
personal information about...
[gasps]
how could you be that naive?
Naive?
Do you know what a prisoner
could do with this? I do.
He could jab it
into your windpipe,
and you would be dead
in 2 minutes.
Glasses are not a weapon.
Guns are a weapon.
You used to know that.
What color
is your parachute?
Is a wonderful boo
k about finding
your inner self.
Oh, this is so great.
Mrs. Hill, have you
ever played "what if?"
"what if?"
is that the one
where you guys see how quickly
you can stab a knife
around your fingers?
Oh, that game's fun,
but I don't
think it has a name.
Hmm. How about
"stab-scotch"?
Stab-scotch.
That's real good, Mrs. Hill.
But, uh, back to what if.
I can't help thinking,
"what if
mrs. Hill had been
my full-time teacher?"
maybe I'd be able
to read these books.
You can't read?
Now, that is a crime.
Look, I know it'd be
unfair to ask,
but if you would come in
and tutor me, well, whoo.
What's the happiest color
on earth?
Yellow.
Well, then my parachute
would be yellow.
You gave that bastard
our travel version
of the guinness
book of world records
and now you're gonna
teach him to read it?
Hank, I'm a teacher.
I sell knowledge.
And it doesn't matter to who.
Whom.
Even murderers?
You work with propane.
And that kills people.
Only when used by people
that don't know
how to handle it.
And I know
how to handle it.
And I know
how to handle myself.
I am not some
corset-wearing lady
who passes out
with the vapors
at the drop of a hat
or a sudden garroting.
[sighing]
dang it, peggy.
I-- you can't just...
.
Ok, that's it.
You leave me no choice
u
for your own good,
I am forbidding yo
to go back there.
You forbid me?
Unless you decide
on your own not to go,
'cause I'll still
support that.
Nobody forbids peggy hill.
(peggy)
well, obviously,
since there's only one of you,
I cannot grade on a curve.
But every day
an assignment is late
is one grade off
and a day in the hole.
[laughing]
oh, peggy.
Oh, that's beautiful.
Is that me?
It's an apple.
oh.
So, you're telling me
you'll spray
the entire prison
for just $1 a month?
My word is my bond, sir.
Due to the fact the state
wouldn't bond me
or insure me.
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, of course,
the invoice will say $2,000,
but that's just procedure.
I think we've got
ourselves a deal.
[laughing]
I read your manual,
and as an official employee
of the prison system,
I now qualify
to be the executioner.
Yeah, where's old sparky?
.
Old sparky's been
put out to pasture
we use lethal injection.
Ok, then where's old squirty?
Dead is dead.
I don't care how we get there.
Mr. Gribble,
generally we choose
one of the guards
to be the executioner
and there's a rather long list
of volunteers already.
Put me on it.
Please, please, please.
Well, all right.
You'll be number 129.
Wingo!
I'm gonna kill a killer ?
I'm gonna kill a killer ??
Mom, you're covering up
my essay
on why pollution is bad.
It got a "shows improvement."
Sorry, bobby,but I guess
we're just gonna have to
murder somebody
if we want
your mom's attention.
ok.
[humming]
hey, sam.
[metal detector beeping]
[metal detector beeping]
hold it.
Oh, yeah!
Wes, you're supposed
to start finding words.
Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Hill.
I'm just not used to
such creative teaching.
Hey,don't you dare
touch her!
You leave Mrs. Hill alone!
[gasps]
[grunting]
no, stop it!
[groaning]
she's too good for you!
She's teaching me to read!
Oh, good god.
[birds chirping]
??[humming]
excuse me. Do you know
if these gloves
are good for killing a man?
[grunting]
[laughing fiendishly]
[sighing]
it was only 3 days
in the pit.
.
I thought the guard
was gonna touch your..
Bottom.
Oh, I tried to tell them
that you meant no harm,
but they would not listen.
Heck. They're all as dumb
as a bucket of dirt.
Anyway, that's why
they hate boggle.
They hate boggle?
.
Only because
we love boggle
when I was little,
my meema played
on her boggle set
all the time.
I just watched,
being illiterate and all,
but I dreamed of someday
playing on that set.
Peggy, if you get me
my boggle set,
you could make
that dream come true.
I am a dream weaver.
[dog barking]
so, jennette,
I did not realize
they allowed
wesley conjugal visits.
[train horn blowing]
wes better
get the whole set.
Oh, rock me, amadeus!
Now, wes,
you shake the letters,
not the timer.
[laughing]
oh, right.
All right,
who covered wes' drawing
with this crap?
Uh, peggy, I just
thought that
maybe if you saw some
happy pictures
you might do happy things,
like not visiting death row.
Let me paint you
a happy picture, hank.
A broken-down, illiterate man
e
with nothing but death
staring him in the fac
,
spells out the word "party
" with his family boggle set
and then he croons
white christmas to me
as I leave his cell
for the day.
Now, that is
a happy picture, hank.
And then everybody
started fighting,
and the guards were in there
just a-swinging their clubs.
And I--I couldn't get to
the boggle set in time.
It was ruined?
.
Oh, just the timer
.
jennette will
give you a new one
[birds chirping]
wes is a little slow.
He needs more time.
Well, you realize
.
that this is not
a regulation timer
.
this will make
tournament play
impossible for wes
oh.
[police siren wailing]
ok.
I know it was stupid,
but we were playing
out in the yard
and the top fell off.
Jennette will give you
some more timer sand.
What about
using a watch?
Peggy, that's not real boggle.
[birds chirping]
[dog barking]
well, this should certainl
y last him a while.
[scribbling]
]
??[humming
you're not writing, wes.
All right. I'm gonna
give you one tiny hint.
Oh, rats!
There's tar on my star-art.
[groans]
wes, what is it?
I, uh, I can't let
the guard see me cry.
-
If they sense
some weakness-
Guard, could you pleas
e give us some space?
You are inhibiting
his wordplay.
I have something
to tell you.
Can you hear me?
.
I can hear you
good.
Peggy, all this timer sand
you've been bringing me--
.
Oh, don't mention that
this is coke, peggy.
You've been
smuggling me cocaine.
That's a federal offense.
And you know what?
You're gonna
bring me more of it.
Is this some kind of a--
How stupid can you be?
I never had you as a teacher.
I grew up in arkansas.
I'm almost 40
for cripe's sakes!
I wrote every teacher
in the arlen yearbook.
You were the only sap
dumb enough to answer.
g
So all that about bein
the only positive
influence on you--
Here's what you're gonna do.
You're going to bring me
a brick of cocaine
every week.
And that's not all.
You know what else
I want, peggy hill?
2 times a month...
My sloppy joe is
all sloppy and no joe.
I forgot to add the meat.
How could I be
so freaking stupid?
Luanne, bobby,
why don't you go
get some money from my purse
and go out for pizza?
[sighing]
[door slams]
[crying]
oh, hank!
It's so awful!
Hank, I've been
smuggling cocaine in to wes.
Smuggling cocaine?
That's got to be illegal,
peggy.
Well, I thought
it was boggle sand.
Now he's making
all kinds of demands.
"one box of pornography,
a jug of corn liquor,
"a farrah fawcett poster,
"a milwaukee sawzall,
and a brick of cocaine
on every tuesday."
[sighing]
well, he certainly
revealed his true colors.
I don't think you'll be
going back to see him again.
Hank, I have to
or he will turn me in.
They will send me to jail.
[crying]
I guess you're happy now.
You get to say,
"i told you so."
[sniffling]
jerk.
[sighing]
look, don't panic.
He's not gonna turn you in
. He's just bluffing.
.
He has nothing to gain
well, he has
nothing to lose either.
Hank, there's no row
after death row.
[phone ringing]
that's wes.
Don't answer it.
.
I'll handle this.
Murderers are just bullies
if you stand up to them,
they always crumble.
This is hank hill.
You, huh?
Well, you're not getting
any more
of your funny timer sand
and you're gonna
leave my wife alone.
Uh-huh.
No, your ass is mine
because we've got a plan.
Sure we do.
It's a terrific plan.
We discarded
2 perfectly good plans
when we came up
with this great one.
Why didn't you tell me
about our terrific plan?
Peggy, I made that up.
And the other 2 plans?
Uh, he says if he doesn't
get his coke by noon tuesday,
he's gonna turn you in
just for fun.
Look, just go to the warden,
and tell him you were naiv
e and that wes tricked you.
I can't.
They made me
watch a short film
about the danger
of smuggling things
in to the prisoners.
It was called
don't be a mule.
[crying]
I even got 100% on the tes
t they gave me afterwards.
Well, you can't smuggl
e any more drugs in,
that's for sure.
Hey, what would happen
if we just gave wes
a brick of
regular timer sand?
Well, we can't do that.
He is going
to deal this batch
to the aryan brotherhood.
If they think he tried
to pull a fast one--
They would make
a pincushion out of him.
Unless he tastes it.
He always
tasted the timer sand
when I brought it in.
.
I didn't think
anything of it at the time
he always said
it was very good timer sand.
"primo."
[crying]
well, it's 12:40.
I think you're in the clear.
Well, maybe the phone
isn't working.
Hank, there's no dial tone.
Oh! Hello? Well, this is
the freakiest thing.
I didn't even hear
the phone ring. I was just--
Yes, warden, I understand.
I will be there.
Ok. He wants me to come in
and explain myself tomorrow.
Well, I guess I'd better
make bobby's lunch
for the next
2 to 5 years.
[crying]
what's going on?
huh?
Uh, nothing.
Hey, who's in the mood
for some fun?
[arcade machine zapping]
[arcade machine beeping]
look, mom, gilda's
trapped in a fortress,
but I'm gonna break her free.
[both grunting]
[sighs]
oh, my sweet, swee
t little boy.
.
Uh, peggy, i, uh..
How're you set
for quarters?
No, that's--that's not
what I meant to say.
Uh, look, you said
the other day
you've never had
a positive impact
on anybody's life.
Well, I want you to know
that you have.
I-i'd hate to think
where bobby, luanne, and I
would be without you.
[sighing]
come on. Those moles
aren't gonna
whack themselves.
Uh, go!
[moles squeaking]
[crying]
[crying]
(dale)
it is my destiny
to be the nameless,
faceless executioner.
But do not fear me,
for I am just part
of the circle of life.
The last part.
[laughing]
made you flinch.
Lunch!
[alarm ringing]
[yelling]
e
mrs. Hill,
did you smuggle cocain
?
into my prison
I came to this prison
to make an impact, to help.
Help how?
By getting me hooked?
Do you give all
your students drugs?
That's not the right way
to motivate us.
I never meant to--
Tell him, peggy.
Tell him about
the boggle timer.
Stop rushing me.
Come clean.
Tell him the truth.
I came here
to tell the truth.
I would never dream
of telling anything else.
[sniffing]
I never saw this man
before in my life.
And--and what I mean
by that is
I did not bring him cocaine.
I would like to please see
the evidence against me.
But there's
no cocaine in there.
.
In fact, it looks like
it's been licked clean
well, I--I had a little bit
left this morning
but this was
an important meeting.
I wanted to be
up for it.
So, this is the only
evidence against me?
It should be enough.
I didn't bring in a thing.
I swear to god
she smuggled
cocaine in to me!
So, uh, I guess
it's this convict's word
against my wife's.
Now, let's see.
Who can we trust?
Peggy, have you ever
decapitated anyone?
No, I don't believe I have.
How about you, wes?
[growling]
g
have you ever done anythin
that caused
a man's head to come off?
[gasping]
[grunting]
[wes screaming]
[wes groaning]
well, I guess
someone owes me an apology.
I wouldn't
hold your breath.
d
I don't think
wes even apologize
for those people
he killed.
I was talking about you.
Oh! I'm sorry.
Well, do you even know
what you're apologizing for?
No. I'm sorry,
but I don't.
I accept.
You apologized
because you said
I couldn't take care
of myself, and I can.
So there.
All right.
I thought it had
something to do
with the prison.
(bobby)
all sloppy and no joe.