King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 2, Episode 6 - Husky Bobby - full transcript

[Theme song playing]

[Birds chirping]

HANK: You know why I like Shelwyn's?

Because I can always find something I like.

Like those work shoes.

A fella could get a lot of work done
in shoes like that.

Do you think those earrings
would look nice on me?

HANK: You got to think practical, Peggy.
Earrings don't keep you warm.

[Bobby grunting]

- I can't get these to work!
- Come on, son!

It's not like there's a science
to doing up your pants.



Try to work with these, honey.
They are on sale.

Excuse me. Can you show us
how to operate these pants?

We're having some trouble.

Can I talk to you privately for a moment?

SALESPERSON: I'm wondering if maybe...
Gee, how do I put this?

Maybe it's not quite the right time
in your son's life for Shelwyn's.

What are you talking about?

I just wonder if he might feel
a bit more at home...

at a store like H. Dumpty's.

What's H. Dumpty's?

SALESPERSON: H. Dumpty's is a store
with special sizes for special kids.

Are you talking about a fat kids' store?

That word won't win you any friends
at H. Dumpty's.

Do you really think
Bobby is special in that way?



[Fabric stretching]

SALESPERSON: Ma'am, for his height,
your son is a very special child.

[Sighing]

HANK: Let's go tell Bobby he's fat.
PEGGY: No, Hank.

This is a very sensitive situation
for a little boy.

We have to break it to him gently.

Where are we going?

We are going to a place
called H. Dumpty's, Bobby.

What's that, a restaurant?

It's a clothing store.

- A different kind of clothing store.
- How is it different?

Every snowflake is different
in its own beautiful God-given way.

PEGGY: Right, Hank?
HANK: Sure.

Some are a whole lot bigger than others.

But that does not make them
any less beautiful.

Are you taking me to the vet?

HANK: Now, this is my kind of store!

[Hank chuckling]

So many overalls.
Fun colors, too! Just super.

You'd never guess they could stretch
as they do and still keep their shape.

Must be using
some sort of advanced polymer.

What do you think about that, boy?

BOBBY: Why do they have
to expand so much?

I don't know. For sports
and skateboarding and things like that.

A juvenile is always
stretching his clothes, you see.

These kids don't look like they like sports.

Sure they do.

They're wearing
sneakers and baseball caps, aren't they?

This is a fat kids' store.

Bobby, we love you so much.

- Oh, Lord!
- I don't wanna be here.

Now, son, come on. It's no big deal.

We're just shopping for clothes.
You've got nothing to feel bad about.

In fact, you should be proud.

You should be proud of who you are.
Yes, proud, because you are different...

and being different is the best thing
in the whole wide world.

Is that true, Dad?

[Stuttering]

It sure is, son.

BOBBY: What do you think?

I think I have never seen such
a handsome young man in all of my life.

[Cheerful instrumental music]

These shorts fit. There's no lines.

I'm dressed like a football coach!

[Deep voice] You call that a block?

Look at me. I'm a minister!

[Hank chuckling]

That's terrific, son.

[Hank sighing]

Excuse me. I'm Hal Dumpty,
the owner here at H. Dumpty's.

I couldn't help noticing your son.

I'm sorry for the disruption.
I'll give him a talking-to.

- No, I love his enthusiasm.
- You do?

MR. DUMPTY: I want you to know, son,
you look great in my clothes.

We're about to put an ad
in the Arlen Bystander.

- I'd like him to model for us.
- You want my son to be a fashion model?

- Sure. Why not?
- Yeah, Dad. Why not?

[Stammering]

Because we're very busy.

That's why. We've got a lot to do today.

- The photo shoot's not until tomorrow.
- We have even less time then. Thank you.

- What are we doing tomorrow, Hank?
- Something very special.

I didn't have time to tell you about it,
that's how little time we have.

[Boy crying]

This is a fat kids' store.

Oh, Lord!

Hey, Luanne! Don't I look handsome?

Something looks different about you.
Did I cut your hair?

I got new clothes. Watch this!

No rips! We found a better store for me.

All this time
I thought I was an extra-extra-large...

but that's why my clothes never fit right.

It turns out I'm a medium.

Guess what else?

They even wanted to take my picture
and be in an ad...

on account of how handsome I look.

You mean they want you to model?

- Bobby, this is a dream come true.
- It is?

LUANNE: Yeah.

Bobby, models are
some of the happiest people on Earth.

I like being happy.

- Do you have someone to do your hair?
- I don't even have a ride.

Well, I can drive you.
I'll be your driver /stylist.

I'm working towards
getting my license in both.

HANK: Hey, this isn't a restaurant review,
it's a paid advertisement.

BOBBY: Dad, a man took pictures of me.
HANK: What?

- I was a model for the H. Dumpty's ad.
- What?

I thought we agreed
I was too busy for you to model.

BOBBY: Luanne took me.

[Shuddering]

[Ominous instrumental music]

[Hank screaming]

Yeah, that's my favorite, too.

That's the one that's going to be
in tomorrow's paper tomorrow.

[Hank screaming]

If you run that ad in your paper,
my son could never go back to school.

You've seen his picture.

You can tell he's not very good
with his fists.

[Quirky instrumental music]

[Hank stuttering]

HANK: Morning, Bill.

Did you come over
to have breakfast with me...

'cause you thought I was lonely?

Sure.

All right. I'll start grating the potaters.

[Sighing]

You know, I don't know...

if you really want to make
too big of a deal out of this, Bobby.

Why not? I got my picture taken,
I made $40...

and they let me keep the underwear.

I'm still wearing it, Dad.

Okey-dokey.

Thank you very much for calling.

We certainly will.

Okay, bye-bye.

That was the second-biggest
talent agent in all of Arlen.

He says he saw the ad,
and he wants to meet us.

He says he can get Bobby lots of work.

Wow! Where do I sign?

Peggy.

Why are you encouraging Bobby?
I'm trying to contain an outbreak here...

and you're driving the monkey
to the airport.

What's the harm
in letting him do something...

- that makes him feel good about himself?
- What's the harm?

Peggy, kids always victimize
the one who's different.

Believe me, I know.

[Nostalgic instrumental music]

Hey, Fatty. You are fat!

Times have changed, thank goodness!

In today's world,
we celebrate our differences.

- Don't you watch TV?
- You know very well I watch TV.

Maybe you should watch
a little more closely.

The daytime talk shows are just full of
people who are standing up and saying:

"I am different. I am proud of it.
Get used to it."

[Hooting]

I'm not saying Bobby shouldn't be proud.

I'm just saying he should keep it to himself.

And if that means one day
he ends up on Oprah...

with nothing to say, well, then so be it.

Hank, look.

Look how happy he is.

I got my birth certificate, a leaf I found...

and now this.

[Luanne exclaiming]

Do you really want to
take that away from him?

Hey, take a seat.
Can I get you something? Water?

It's in a bottle?

When you reach the top, son,
you'll find most everything is. Ms. Hill?

I'm not thirsty now, but thank you.

The H. Dumpty's ad was a great start,
but I think with the right handling...

you could be the next Andy Maynard.

BOBBY: Hey, I've seen that guy!
He likes his sundae even on a Monday.

I didn't even know he was real.

He's real, all right. As in "real hot."

Next week, I got him headlining
at the Little Junior Plus Fashion Show.

- Is that something Bobby could do?
- One step at a time, Mrs. Hill.

There's a catalog shoot tomorrow
for Caulfield's of Texas.

They are launching a new line of clothing
called Gravitas.

I want that account.

Hey there, son.

What do you say we toss the old pigskin
around? Get a little exercise?

No, I don't think so, Dad.
I got a catalog shoot coming up.

- I got to watch my shape.
- Tell you what.

You play a little catch with your old man
this afternoon...

and I'll buy you that album you want
by those guys I hate.

Thanks, but I already got it.
My agent gave me an advance.

I also got that bike helmet you said
you'd buy me if my grades improved.

All raked and bagged, Bobby.

- Thanks, Mr. Dauterive.
- No, thank you, sir.

BILL: Hey, Hank.

Raking the yard is your job, Bobby.

I know, but I got a career
to think about now.

The yard is raked, but this peanut butter's
not gonna eat itself.

Back to work.

[Sighing]

PEGGY: We're off to the photo shoot, Hank.
See you there later.

Photo shoot?
What's this about a photo shoot?

Nothing. I'm just...

getting some family portraits taken.

[Laughing]

So Family Boy is getting his portrait taken.

Did you bring your comb?

DALE: Funny.
BOOMHAUER: Yeah, man. I tell you what.

Hank gets all prettied up and then
all combing his hair off to the side...

like, "this is my good side,"
dang old pretty sissied out like that.

You know, you guys ought to watch it.
Making fun of people like that...

you could hurt their feelings.

[Techno music playing]

[Shuddering]

[Coughing]

Bobby!

Hey, Dad! You're just in time.

We're coming off of five and now
we're gonna shoot another setup.

Grab a plate and settle.
That means, "Be quiet."

Do you have any idea how you look?

On camera or off?
Because they're two very different things.

CARLO: Can we please have it quiet?

Carlo is a little upset today.
He had a spat with Orlando.

I am learning so much.

PEGGY: Over here, Hank.
HANK: My God, Peggy...

I feel like I've died and gone to New York!

Come on, this is very exciting!

I think Bobby may have found his calling.

The director wants to put Bobby
in the Little Junior Plus Fashion Show.

- The Little Junior what?
- Plus! It's this weekend.

Orlando says they're going to broadcast it
on Arlen Cable Access.

- But don't tell Carlo.
- No, don't tell Carlo.

Why would I tell anything to Carlo?
Who the hell is Carlo?

[Camera clicking]

Okay. It's your birthday, yes?
You're older now.

Where has the time gone, little man?
Yes, that's it.

And you make a wish
for something magical.

Don't tell!

[Techno music playing]

CARLO: Run!

Look at you go! Go to the 50, go to the 60.

This is your Olympic dream come true.

They try to tackle you,
but you won't let them...

because you look too fantastic.

Hey there, lifeguard!
Look at you. Up on your perch so high.

All around you
they splash and splash, but not you.

Cut! That's it! Go home, everybody.
None of this ever happened.

PEGGY: Hank, what are you doing?
HANK: I'm not doing anything.

I'm not even here. None of us are. Let's go.

[Gasping]

- Hankie...
- No.

- Dad...
- No!

LUANNE: Uncle...
HANK: No!

You don't even know
what I was gonna say.

It's not fair. I've been looking forward
to this fashion show for hours.

I wanna be a part of history. Please?

Bobby, there are times
when a father knows best...

and this is one of those times.

[Sighing]

LUANNE: My hair is caught in the door.

It's really our fault, Peggy.

Somewhere along the line,
we forgot to teach Bobby shame.

I guess we can't count on the schools
for everything.

Well, good night. And don't worry.

By tomorrow, he will have forgotten
all about that fashion show.

[Brakes squeaking]

Morning, Peggy. Where's Bobby?

HANK: Don't tell me he's still sleeping.
PEGGY: Well, why not?

What's he got to wake up for?

I'd better go talk to him.

Bobby, I know you're probably
pretty upset with me right now...

but one day you'll understand how much
love it takes to crush a little boy's dreams.

What do you say we get up
and have some breakfast together?

Bobby?

[Shuddering]

[Tense instrumental music]

Quick, Luanne. Bobby's run off!
You got to tell me where he is.

Oh, no! Not you, too!

[All screaming]

I'm in a crisis situation here.
I got to go find Bobby.

You two take turns
kicking each other's asses.

[Tender instrumental music]

[Vacuum cleaner whirring]

[Pulley squeaking]

I'm Bobby Hill. I'm here for the show.

Bobby Hill. You're talent.

Here's your complimentary tote bag.

BOBBY: Toilet water.

Cool! That's, like, for an emergency
or something, right?

PEGGY: It does not matter
how fast you drive, Hank.

We'll never get there on time.
We might as well face it.

- We're missing his big moment.
- No, we're stopping his big moment.

I didn't fill up with 89 octane for nothing.

- What is this?
- It's a fashion show for plus-size boys.

There's going to be music, a fog machine...

and it all goes to benefit the schools.
Plus free doughnuts.

We'll do it for the schools.

[Car engine roaring]

[Tense instrumental music]

Hey, you're Andy Maynard!

[Sneering]

I'm gonna be in the show with you.

Don't put your stuff down there!
I called this whole makeup counter.

- Did you get a free bag?
- Yeah. It's the worst one I've ever seen.

- Do you want to get into trouble?
- No.

Then get me a brownie.

[Car tires squealing]

[Peggy sighing]

[Man shouting]

[Panting]

[Shuddering]

[Boys shrieking]

Relax, it's nothing I haven't seen before.

[Shuddering]

Hey, never say
I don't hustle for you, Bobby.

It's a done deal. You're going on first.

First? Me?

But what will Andy Maynard think?

ANDY: I'll tell you
what Andy Maynard thinks.

[Andy sobbing]

Andy Maynard always goes on first.

- Do you really think I'm ready for this?
- I don't think you're ready.

I know you are.

Now, go out there
and knock 'em dead, sailor boy.

HANK: Are you gonna come quietly,
or do I carry you out baby-tantrum style?

You can't make me leave, Dad.

I'm going on first.
I've never been first in anything.

HANK: Tell you what. You can be the first
to drop out of this show. Come on.

Why are you always trying
to turn me into you?

Why can't you accept me for who I am?

We both saw that after-school special,
but I'm not an alcoholic...

- and you're not an ice skater. So let's go.
- But it's not fair.

Come on, son. I'm just trying
to keep you from being embarrassed.

Is that what you're afraid of?
Or are you afraid you'll be embarrassed?

[Sentimental instrumental music]

STOKES: Come on, Bobby, let's go.

Are you too sexy for your shirt
or aren't you?

I'm sorry, Mr. Stokes.

I want to do the show
but my dad won't let me.

I guess I'll never get my moment
in the spotlight.

HANK: Bobby, wait.
BOBBY: Yes, Dad?

Why don't you drape this poncho over you
till we get to the car?

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen...

the Arlen Galleriaplex is proud to present...

Little Junior Plus:
Fashions for a new millennium.

[Techno music playing on speakers]

BOBBY: No, let me go.

I have to get out there
before the whale spouts confetti.

See you later, navigator.

[Audience clapping]

[Cameras clicking]

[Audience clapping]

Carlo, help!

[Groaning]

[All grunting]

[Audience shrieking]

[Screaming]

DELIVERY BOY: Where do these go?
TEENAGER: Right here is fine.

[Grunting]

[Distorted clacking]

[Jelly oozing]

[Whirring]

[Screaming]

[Andy moaning]

[Boys moaning]

[Distorted thud]

BOBBY: Wow, Dad!

How did you know this was gonna happen?

I just know something
about human nature, son.

If you put teenagers
and husky boys and doughnuts...

all in the same place,
you are just asking for trouble.

I feel good right now.

I feel like
this guy will get me out of anything.

I'm gonna have Bill wash your car.

It goes to show
a father knows what's best for his kid.

And the mother, although well-meaning,
is usually wrong.

Usually wrong?

My lifetime average
is still higher than yours, mister.

Or have you forgotten Solo flex?

All right. No need to bring that up.

"Don't worry, Peggy. I'll use it every day.
It's cheaper than going to the gym."

HANK: Okay. You've made your point.

PEGGY: "Monday, Wednesday, and Friday:
Chest, shoulder and back."

HANK: Okay!

[Theme song playing]