King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 2, Episode 5 - Jumpin' Crack Bass - full transcript

[Theme song playing]

[Bobby grunts]

[Exclaims]

I'm cold.

Why don't we just buy the worms
at a bait shop?

Bait shop worms are factory-farm worms.

They keep them in little cages
their whole lives.

They never get to run around free.
It's sad, really.

And the fish know the difference.

Why don't you just buy the fish?

You're missing the point.



We don't fish for the fish.

Ninety percent of what I like
about this sport, and it is a sport...

is sitting in the boat
for five hours doing nothing.

And the icing on the cake is when
God smiles on you and you hook one.

And then when you're reeling it in,
everything else falls away.

You don't think about taxes or traffic...

or that pushy gal
that's trying to get into the Citadel...

or who's going to take care of you...

when your mother and I are old
and incapacitated.

All there is
is a man, a rod, a lake, and a fish.

And it all starts
with a hand-dug American worm.

Dad, who is gonna take care of me?

What the hell?

[Engine sputtering]



Somebody's trying to steal my truck.
Hey! Get out of there!

Somebody's trying to steal my truck.
Hey! Get out of there!

BILLY RAY: Let me go, man!

HANK: You ain't going nowhere.
I'm placing you under citizen's arrest.

- You can't do that.
- The hell I can't!

BOBBY: The hell he can't!
HANK: Language, Bobby.

As an American citizen,
I have the authority...

to detain you until an officer
of the peace arrives.

I also have the authority to kick your ass...

which is something that your father
obviously forgot to do.

[Gavel pounding]

Billy Ray Walters,
you've entered a plea of guilty.

Have your rights been explained to you?

HANK: Rights?

This had better not be one of them
Carter-appointee judges.

No, that's Judge Rowland McFarland.

He was in the paper
for his creative sentencing.

Oh, great!

Before I sentence you...

I want to express the court's appreciation
to Mr. Hank Hill...

Quiet, Peggy.

...who apprehended you
at great risk to his own person.

[Sighs] Hank's lucky he didn't get killed.

I hope they lock that thief up
and throw away the key.

That thief is my boyfriend.

- Boyfriend?
- Okay, Hot-wire.

Here's what we're gonna do.
You like trucks so much?

For the next 3 months,
I sentence you to live in a truck.

What the...

In prison, they'll just teach you
how to be a better truck thief.

So you're gonna spend the next 90 days
in the cab of a pickup. An import.

[All gasp]

Finally, a judge with some common sense.

ATTENDANT: Hill?
HANK: Yeah, Hank Hill.

You were holding my truck for evidence.

Here's a picture of her, if it'll help.

Yes, here it is: Space G-26.

What the... Oh, my God!

- What did you do to my truck?
- Let's see.

The thief was inside your vehicle.
So under the law, we checked it for drugs.

He was in my front seat.

He didn't hide any drugs in my spark plugs.

We know that now.

[Birds chirping]

HANK: [Sighs]
If I don't get out on the lake...

my head is gonna pop a gasket.

Honey, please, calm down.

If you have a stroke,
who will help me take care of Bobby?

LUANNE: Uncle Hank,
I got the '92 Ford truck schematic...

and I've lined up all the parts.

Dad, what are you looking for?
Are you looking for chicken?

- It's right here. Chicken.
- I'm looking for my dang fishing shears.

PEGGY: Relax.

Here. Nancy gave me some ginseng tea.
She got it from John Redcorn...

Ginseng? I don't need
to get all hopped up on dope.

LUANNE: I get stressed out
at the beauty school sometimes...

with all the combing and politics,
and I just do yoga.

I can put my feet up behind my head.
Want me to show you?

No!

Keep your legs below your waist,
for God's sakes!

Look, all I need to do
is get out on the lake, and fish.

[Honking]

[Grunts]

[Upbeat instrumental music]

[Brakes squeaking]

[Birds chirping]

[Hank sighs]

Listen to that silence.

- You ever hear anything so quiet?
- Hey, Boomhauer!

Trade you one of my garlic-scented lures
for one of your electric ones.

Why don't you guys call that stuff
by its real name: Cheater bait.

DALE: You and your worms
are fishing in the past.

In the days of black-and-white televisions,
and a democratically elected Congress.

Got one, man! It's a big ol'...
Man, look at them big ol' teeth on him!

Acts like a big ol' taco grande, man,
with them dang ol'...

Dang, Boomhauer! She's a beauty.

Say, "Cheese to meet you."

[Dale laughs]

Okay, catch and release.
Time to throw her back.

All right, fella, there you go.
Tell your friends:

"Plenty more where that came from."

[Dale's reel whirring]

Oh, yeah. Check it out.

"Hank calls it cheater bait.

"But I call it scrumdiligarlicicious."

[Exclaims in pain]

Ingrate.

[Upbeat instrumental music]

Hank, maybe
you should be taking the pictures.

Give you something to do.

You guys may be catching fish...

but I'm the only one fishing God's way,
with a worm.

You know what I just realized?
Hank hasn't caught a fish.

- You looking to go for a swim, Bill?
- No.

You know what else I just realized?

This is the first time any of us
has caught more fish than Hank.

Come on, Bill. Don't rub his nose in it.
Wingo, man!

I am the greatest.

[Dale chuckles]

[Sighs]

So, we're all meeting at the pharmacy
to get aloe Vera for Bill's back.

[Groaning]

Maybe I'll meet you guys later.

I'm going down to the bait shop
to buy some new hooks.

HANK: Dang, Ray! What happened?

Did I miss one of your
"Ray's Gone Trout of His Mind" sales?

I'm going trout of business.
I can't compete with the Mega Lo Mart.

I hate Mega Lo Mart.
People go there just to save a nickel...

end up putting half of Arlen
out of business.

Anyway, what brings you in?
New rod, new reel, what?

Actually, I was thinking
of trying one of them scented lures.

Maybe vanilla.

You've given up the worm?

She let me down. I reeled in empty today.

How about some fluorescent salmon eggs...

or marshmallow bait,
or some blood-dough balls?

I tried those before.
They don't beat the worm.

Hey, I know.

You ever hear of a guy named Jack?

I went to high school with a fella named...

RAY: This guy never went to school.
He grew up in the hills.

But he wrote the book on homemade bait.

Course, it's just a bunch of scribbles,
'cause he never went to school.

HANK: Where's his shop?
RAY: He don't have a shop.

He sells his stuff out of his truck
at the corner of 6th and Woodmont.

Well, thanks.

I'll come by tomorrow
and pick up your propane tank.

[Agreeing]

Why don't you call first?

[Engine starts]

[Tires screeching]

[Funky instrumental music]

Hey, G!

Whaddaya want, whaddaya need?
Looking to buy?

G...

I am looking to buy.

- Are you Jack?
- I got your jack right here, Jack.

HANK: As I was telling Ray, Jack...

I've been thinking
about trying something new.

JACK: Whatcha need?

I've always been a worm man...

but Ray was telling me about your bait...

Bait? You call it "bait."
I like that. What you looking to spend?

Well, I got $20.

$20 will get you all the bait you need.
Rock on!

Freshness jars.
Sure don't get that at Mega Lo Mart.

DALE: Come on, Hank,
fish or get off the pot.

Just a second.

How the heck does Jack fish
with this stuff?

I like beer, Hank.

Don't you like beer? I love beer.

BILL: Beer is...
HANK: Got one! Yeah!

Sweet Gene Vincent! I'm back!

Dang, man! That's quick. You done hooked.

Hank's the man.
Man, you're the fishing magician, man.

All right there, Red Head. Back you go.

Looks like they're hungry for worms today.
Pass me one, will you, Hank?

What's the matter?
Batteries go dead on your electric spinner?

Whoa, Hank! What you got there?
Blood-dough balls?

Dale, Hank only fishes with worms.
Why, anything else would be cheating.

Well, well, well.

Looks like our friend is a "hippiecrit."

Hold on there. This is natural bait.

Homemade in the USA.

Hank, you can offer all the denials
and rationalizations you want...

but the bottom line is still the same.

BILL: We want to try that bait.
DALE: Yeah, man.

All right. Ease off.
A little chunk will do you.

[All exclaiming]

Now that is the dangdest thing!

This is the same fish I just threw back.

Come on, darling. Time to get wet.

Come on now. Off my hook.

Go on now, get.

Vámonos.

[Screams]

[Groans]

Oh, man! Now I have to reapply
my sunscreen.

[All exclaiming]

[Hoedown music playing]

[Laughing]

I tell you what, I caught more fish today
than I did in the '80s.

And those were the Reagan years.

[Sighing]

Somebody call Ripley.

'Cause he's the only one who'll believe
how many fish I caught this morning.

Is that where you've been?

- Oh, good Lord! The sun just came up.
- No, it didn't.

It rose at 4:57 a.m...

exactly one hour after I landed
two 10-pound bucket mouths...

on a single hook.

I tell you, it's like they were fighting
over that piece of Jack's miracle bait.

What are you buying bait for, Dad?

Remember, you said it all starts
with a hand-dug American worm?

No. I mean, yes, that's how it starts.

But a lot of things end up
different from where they start.

Like, remember that time
I started building you a clubhouse...

and I ended up with a new tool shed?

[Clears throat]

So, Luanne, how's my truck?

[Luanne groans]

Bad news, Uncle Hank.
I had to order a new fuel pump.

I figured it was urgent,
so I asked them to UPS it.

Good thing I just got back from fishing,
or that would bother me.

It's kind of starting to bother me.

Yep, I'm bothered.
I had better get on the lake.

I'll tell you, I can't wait
to try some more of your new bait.

My bait? I wish I could help you,
but I only have a little bit left.

That's all right. It only takes a little bit
to catch the hogs with that stuff.

Yeah, it's too bad I'm all out.

You just said you had a little left.

- That's right, and then I used it up.
- Don't lie to us, friend.

'Cause when you lie,
you make an ass out of you and me.

Yeah, don't be bogarting that dang ol' bait.

Anyway, I just remembered I promised
Bobby I'd take him fishing...

just the two of us. See you.

[Door closes]

I'd take a stick of that gum.

[Bobby grunting]

I'm tired.

When's the part where we get to
sit around for five hours doing nothing?

[Chuckles]

That's a good one, son.

[Rustling]

[Dog barking]

Wake up, Hank. We're being burgled.

[Groaning]

[Grunts]

You go check on Bobby.
I'll go see what's going on.

We'll just see
how much of that bait he has left.

You! Drop that tackle box!

[Exclaims] It's okay. It's me, Dale Gribble.

I said drop the box!

[Engine starting]

My termite inspection is concluded.

Congratulations, you passed!

BOBBY: Can I have some more butter
for my pancakes?

That's it! I'm going fishing.

[Sighing]

Come on, take the bait.
You know you want it.

Where are you going? This ain't a worm.
This is the good stuff.

[Tires screeching]

Oh, man, the wonder bait! For me?

- Wait a minute. What's wrong with it?
- It doesn't work anymore.

The fish won't touch the stuff.

- They spit it out like poison. I don't get it.
- I get it.

Take it from a graduate
of the Exterminators Academy at Humble.

You've introduced a new element
into their ecosystem.

Problem: They've gotten wise to it.

Solution: You need something stronger.

Cockroach 101.

[Sighing]

HANK: Now, don't get me wrong, Jack.

I'm not criticizing your product,
or by extension, you.

Yeah, I get it, Jack.

- What you need is something stronger.
- Exactly.

You understand. What am I saying?
Of course you understand.

You're a fisherman.

DALE: I'll have what he's having.
HANK: Dale? What are you doing here?

I followed you. Every twist and every turn.

[Clears throat]

By the way, I'm gonna need
to follow you home.

[Sirens blaring]

OFFICER: Freeze!
Hands where I can see them!

[Birds chirping]

This is all my fault.
I got you started on that ginseng tea...

and with your addictive personality,
of course that led to...

I swear, Peggy,
I thought I was buying fishing bait.

PEGGY: Don't lie to me, Hank.
I am not stupid.

I am a substitute teacher,
not one of your drug-smoking friends.

Mr. Hill, this bass-fishing defense
isn't going to cut it.

- Were you abused as a child?
- What? No!

Are you sure? Juries eat that up.

Maybe I ought to tie
that long hair on your head...

to the short hair on your ass,
and kick you down the street.

I told you I am not a doper.

Come on, Mr. Hill.
We all use drugs. Even the President.

Not my President. I voted for Dole.

The only thing he's on is pain killers,
and he earned it.

Next case. Misters Gribble and Hill.

Nice to see you again, Mr. Hill.
I assume you are the arresting citizen.

No. It's the funniest kind of mix-up,
Your Honor...

Just one moment.

Mr. Gribble,
remove your hat in my courtroom.

I do not recognize the authority
of a court that hangs the gold-fringed flag.

A flag with gilded edges
is the flag of an Admiralty court.

An Admiralty court
signifies a Naval court-martial.

I cannot be court-martialed twice.
That is all.

- Furthermore...
- Bailiff, gag him.

[Groans]

This must be a typo.

Mr. Hill, you're the last person
I expected to be a drug user.

BOBBY: Objection, Your Honor.

My dad doesn't use drugs.

The only thing he needs
to be happy is fishing. Sustained.

That's right, Judge.

The strongest thing I use
is BC Headache Powder, I tell you what.

I may have accidentally purchased,
once or twice...

some illegal substances,
but I was using them...

quite successfully I might add, as fish bait.

Fish bait?

- Guilty.
- I told you. I told him, Your Honor.

That's enough out of you. You're fired.

Judge, I'm not lying to you here.
I'm no criminal. I'm just a fisherman.

I don't like your story...

but you've got the haircut
of an honest man.

I'm willing to give you a chance
to prove you're not a liar.

- You say you were using the stuff as bait?
- Yes, sir.

I'm a bit of an angler myself.

Tomorrow, you, me, and your bald buddy
there are gonna go out to the lake.

You'll show me how to catch
a wide-mouthed bass with a rock of crack.

Well, hold on a second.

You see, the fish
won't take the bait anymore.

- The ecosystem is changed and...
- I've made my ruling.

Either you reel one in tomorrow,
or the two of you...

are gonna spend the next 24 months
making Texas State license plates.

[Shudders]

CLERK: Next case:
Fidelity Mutual Insurance...

v. Layaway Ray's bait shop.

JUDGE: It's been six hours.

You ready to admit your crime
and do your time?

No, sir, Your Honor.

I'm making progress here. I can feel it.

Wingo, man! I think I got one.

Hold on to her, Dale. Don't let her go.

- Thank you, Lord.
- Well, I'll be!

Looks like you boys
were telling the truth after all.

- Gribble, this fish is frozen.
- I caught it. That's my position.

You obviously bought this
at a grocery store.

You try something like that again,
I'll double your sentence.

Dale, you giblet-head,
if you were gonna cheat...

why the hell did you buy a frozen bass?

I had a coupon.

All right. Five more minutes and that's it.

I got to be at a lethal injection by midnight.

Get your butt off the cooler, Duke.
His Honor wants a pudding.

[Somber instrumental music]

Hank, don't do it.

We've already tried to cheat.
He'll double our sentence.

I'm not cheating now, Dale.

Using cheater bait was cheating.

I got greedy.

I'm no better than that lazy grease ball
who tried to steal my truck.

Let's face the facts. We're going to prison.

And all we'll have to dream about
is the last time we went fishing.

I don't know about you,
but I want to remember casting off...

with a hand-dug American worm.

[Chirping]

[Croaking]

JUDGE: Well, time's up.
Start rowing, Duke.

Now, there's a man who loves to fish.

Almost makes me sorry
to send him to the farm.

[Splashing]

She ain't pretty, but she's a bass all right!
You're free to go.

She's the most beautiful fish I ever caught,
I tell you what!

Hold her up, Hank. She's a wall-hanger.

He.

[Theme song playing]

HANK: That's it! I'm going fishing.