King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 13, Episode 1 - Dia-BILL-ic Shock - full transcript

I'll have another giant
lollipop, my good man.

But this time, put a wig on it.

(gasps)

I didn't know you could do that.

Yeah, I know all
the secret menus, Bobby.

Like, if you go
just about anywhere

and ask for a "Hugging Cow,"

you'll get a burger
wrapped in pastrami.

(chewing noisily)

Mr. Dauterive, there is so much
I can learn from you.

Dad...



No.

Go a little slower
with the junk food, Bill.

(stomach rumbles and growls)

(Bill whimpers)

Bill?

(moaning quietly)

Bill?

(groans)

(chewing noisily)

Sergeant, you passed out
from a blood sugar spike.

Looks like you're in the early
stages of adult-onset diabetes.

Diabetes?!

That can't be right.

I've eaten lots of sugar
my whole life



and nothing's ever
happened to me.

Surely you've noticed
recent changes in your body:

Blurred vision,
frequent urination,

tingling in the hands and feet?

I just thought I was in love.

How did this happen?

Seriously?

Diabetes is very common
among the obese.

For some people, there's even
a genetic disposition...

Damn genes!

Diabetes is a very
manageable disease.

If you do a better job
with diet and exercise,

you'll stop it from progressing.

Yeah, genes!

Well, they say diabetes
can happen to anyone,

and "anyone" usually means Bill.

My genes have been
plotting to kill me

since the day I was born.

Yeah, you keep talking
about your genes,

but what about your diet?

Hank, it's not my fault!

My pancreas went out on me.

Yes, it probably is.

You've got to start taking
better care of yourself.

I just lose control
when I'm around food.

I don't even know
where this hot dog came from!

You got to help me, Hank!

Okay, Bill, I'll go with you
to the grocery store,

but only if you're serious
about changing your diet.

I know you only let me
say it on Thanksgiving,

but I'm grateful for you, Hank.

(both grunting)

But it's carrots!

We already went over this
with the zucchini muffins.

Oh, I give up!

It's my mom's fault.

When I was sad,
she'd give me cookies.

But when I was happy,
she'd give me cookies.

All of my emotions
demand cookies, Hank!

(sighs)

Let's see... for dinner,
I ate a lean chicken breast,

some broccoli,

and one cookie.

(chewing noisily)

(groans)

You know, diabetics like him
could really benefit

from some basic
nutrition counseling.

Oh, that's an
interesting theory.

But you know what I
learned at med school?

Oh, that's right.

You weren't there.

You may see a diabetic,
but what I see is

a diabetic who will never
get his act together.

Oh, I see that

under "Are you taking
any medications?"

you wrote "Jell-O."

Mm-hmm. I wrote that
so I wouldn't forget to ask.

Three, please.

You probably want me to say

that you can just diet and
exercise your way out of this.

But two blood sugar
spikes in a week.

Let's face it: Sooner or later,
this will kill you.

Probably sooner.

What... What should I do?

Well, we have plenty
of nice pamphlets

that I'm sure you'll ignore.

But this is how I see
your diabetes playing out.

First comes heart disease,

(whimpering) then kidney
failure, then blindness.

Oh, and you'll lose your legs,
to gangrene.

(whimpering)

Wait...

Are you just
giving me tough love?

Have you seen other doctors?

Yes.

Did they tell you
to diet and exercise?

Yes.

Did you do it?

(whimpers)

Here, take this.

You'll end up in a
wheelchair anyway.

Might as well get one now, while
you still have good insurance.

You know, it's amazing
we never get sunburned.

Yep.

Mm-hmm.

(sighs)

I can't believe Bill's
in the hospital again.

After all the time I spent
with him grocery shopping.

What did you expect?

Bill can't keep his hands
off the sweets.

He's just like Winnie the Pooh.

Who also has diabetes.

Is that Bill?

Bill?

What the heck is going on?

Why are you in a wheelchair?

Oh, this?

No, I'm okay.

I'm just gonna lose
my legs and then die.

See ya later.

(electric motor whirring)

Take with food,
take without food.

It's all so confusing.

(sighs)

No one ever said
the d-life was easy.

The d-life?

Diabetic life.

He probably has to use
so many abbreviations

because there's so
little time left.

I got to tell you, Bill,

I'm surprised your diabetes
advanced so quickly.

As a Diabetic-American,

you can never know
what's coming your way.

Dr. Weissman said
it's only a matter of time

before I lose
more than just legs.

(grunting)

Well, don't worry, buddy,
we're here to take care of you.

Whatever you need.

And we're gonna start
by retrofitting your house.

Thanks, guys.

I'm gonna go read my "Footprints
in the Sand" poster now.

He's being so brave.

Ah, you should've
seen him, Peggy.

You could never really describe
Bill as "able-bodied" before,

but now it's not even an option.

Well, rest assured that diabetes

is not happening to this family.

Which is why I've
already made some changes

at La Cocina de Peggy.

Come on, Mom, I'm just a kid.

This carrot is just like
that lollipop at the fair.

Only it has a wig of alfalfa
sprouts instead of spun sugar.

(groans)

And here's an onion.

(sighs)

This would go a little easier
if you'd give me a hand, buddy.

I don't want to go out!

Just drop me, like God did.

Come on, we're gonna find you

a nice wheelchair-
friendly park.

(sighs)

Or maybe just some
really long pavement.

After I die, I want my ashes
put in a snow globe, Hank.

Promise me that.

You're not gonna die, Bill.

We'll stop and get a new
knob for your joystick.

I want an eight ball.

I used to run and be free
just like them.

Can you help me find
a position of comfort, Hank?

Oh, we forgot your
pillow in the truck.

I'll be right back.

Hey, you want in?

Uh, no, thanks, I can't.

Not with that attitude, bro.

I'm Sam, but I go by
Rolling Thunder,

but I go by Thunder for short.

Wow.

I was gonna call you that
before I even knew your name.

What's up with
the electric wheelchair?

You should shake that Prius for
something that runs on muscle.

Oh, no, my arms
are all I've got left.

I want to use them
as little as possible.

I'm not a fan of
that kind of talk, now.

Check out my ride.

Chrome, crushed velvet,
spinners, bumpers.

I'm in complete control, bro.

Check it out, huh.

I'm stylin', I'm profilin'.

I'm stylin'

and profilin'.

Wow, you just made
walking seem lame.

Hell, yeah.

Come on, I got
a spare one in the truck.

You can have it.

W-Wait!

I can't!

Nice!
Woo-hoo!

Ow!

Hey, ladies, come here
and sit in my lap.

I'll pretend
I'm a massage chair.

(whistles like a massage chair)

(giggling)

(sighs)

You just talked to them.

Hey, hey, are you all right?

Do you need help?

Did he ask you for help?

Oh, he's your attendant.

Yeah, I-I guess so.

I'm Hank.

Are you gonna propose
to me or something?

You know, it's Adam and Eve
not Adam and Steve.

What?

I have to go with him, Hank.

He called me "bro."

Bill looks so happy.

Who would've guessed it was his
legs that were holding him back?

Yep. Bill's been
way more upbeat

since he's been
hanging out with Thunder.

He seems like a good guy.

I mean, he's pretty insulting
to me personally, but...

Hank, we're going out.

You want to come along?

Plenty of room in the
back, for an attendant.

Thunder, I'm gonna
have to adjust this mirror

to get a better view
of my amazing new pythons.

You know, I think I'll stay
and attend to my beer.

That is, if, uh,
if you don't need me.

Oh, yeah, we're okay.

We can take care of ourselves.

My life would be so different
if my name was Thunder.

Or Sean.

(disco music playing)

♪ We're gonna dance
the night away ♪

(giggling):
Oh, hey!

Go talk to someone.

Women find guys in chairs
non-threatening.

Suckers.

I don't know.

My palms are sweaty,
I-I can hardly grip my wheels.

♪ We're gonna dance
the night away ♪

♪ To the dreamer... ♪

Yeah, bring it around! Woo-hoo!

(woman laughing)

Woo-hoo!

? ...can stop us...?

Oh, look at this delicious food

my mom painstakingly
Saran-wrapped for me.

My word, it looks so tasty.

And yet, I am willing to trade.

Oh, I gotta have it!

Let's trade!

What is it?

It says it's seaweed.

No way, Jose.

But you generally like
eating gross things!

I know.

This surprises me, too.

(grumbling)

(clicking)

Whoa.

Nice chair!

Question:

Are those wheels angled
for stability

or just to make you look cool?

Answer: Both.

Thanks, Dale.

Yeah, this chair is built
for ramming into stuff.

Thunder gave me a spot
on his rugby team!

Good for you, Bill!

Okay,

We've lowered almost everything

in your house by two feet.

And now we're gonna build you
a ramp for the entryway.

Yeah, that's nice,
but I've decided

I don't need a ramp anymore.

I was thinking maybe we'll build
a basketball court instead.

Got dang, man,
look at you, like a dang,

like dang 'ol Lance Armstrong,
man, gettin' by on one, man.

Inspired, Bill.

Sometimes
it's a man sitting down

who stands the tallest.

It's deep.

Think about it.

Oh, maybe it's the other way
around.

(grunts)

(groans)

(grunting)

(cheering)

All right, Bill!
Whoo!

(blowing whistle)

Just because you've
been cheated by life

doesn't mean you can cheat
on my court!

Bill is really
hustling out there!

This is amazing.

He never played rugby
even when he had legs.

(grunting)

Mm-mmm.

(grunting)

I've never felt more alive

than watching Bill
feel more alive.

MEN:
♪ We fight to win ♪

♪ Win, win, win ♪

♪ We growl like bears ♪

♪ Grr! Grr! Grr! ♪

♪ We're Arlen Rugby ♪

♪ So piss off and die! ♪
(laughs)

(cheering)

(whistling)

Well, the ol' bladder's full.

Need to make room for more beer.

Bro?

No. Wait, no!

I-I'm disabled
like you!

I've got diabetes really bad.

I'll prove it!

(beeping)

Normal.

Very funny.

Very funny!

Are you pranking us?

Are you like that Archton
Karchner or something? Huh?

(beeps)

What? That's strange.

I... I have diabetes.

I mean, I mean, not right now.

My, my, my sugar level
is pretty good today.

What's going on?

I think that guy stole
someone's wheelchair.

(hissing)

It's nice,

but I'm not sure if
it says Bill yet.

Let's give it a beer.

What is going on?

You're-you're walking?

Uh, yeah, Hank, just
'cause he's a paraplegic

doesn't mean his
legs don't work.

Wait a minute...

Yeah, I can walk.

And I lost my diabetes, too!

What?!
I don't know what happened.

One minute I was
all diabetic-y, and now...

I'm fine.

I don't get it.

Dr. Weissman told me
I was gonna lose my legs!

Hold on, I-I thought
you already lost your legs.

I don't know!

My doctor told me
to get a wheelchair.

When people yell at me,
I do what they say!

So we did all this for nothing?

We've practically rebuilt
your house, Bill!

And I literally dragged
you all over town!

Oh, sure, feel sorry
for yourself.

You've never been handicapped.

Neither have you!

(sighs)

(disco music playing)

♪ When you want me ♪

♪ Just pick up the telephone ♪

(Bill humming happily)
♪ When you need me ♪

♪ You don't have
to be alone... ♪

(humming)

Whee!

This is awkward and sad.

♪ Girl, I’ll be your lover man
anytime... ♪

JOSEPH:
What is that?

Some plant called wheatgrass.

Wait, what is she doing?!

Dude,

she's gonna drink the ground!

Bobby!

Oh, there you are.

Snack time!

I can't watch you
suffer anymore, dude.

Here, have my candy bar.

Really?

Oh, thank God.

It's too sweet!

It's making my teeth itch!

Oh, my God!

You haven't had sugar all week

and now you're not
used to it anymore!

I...

I can't eat it, Joseph.

(gulps)

Huh... not bad.

Man, dang 'ol, Bill, man.

Phew... You know.

I'm furious, too, Boomhauer.

I can't drink in peace with Bill

standing there like that.

S'go.

I'm sorry, Hank.

I'd walk away, but that'd
just remind me I can walk.

I don't know
why you're so mopey, Bill.

You can walk again.
You're cured.

No, you don't understand.

I had it all in that wheelchair.

Women paid attention to me.

Buses would lower themselves
before me.

When I'd check the mail,

people would call it a "triumph
of the human spirit."

But now, nothing.

People only cared about me
when I was disabled.

(sighs)

You know that's not true.

Then carry me, Hank.

No.
Case closed.

Bill, people seemed to care
about you more

because you were doing inspiring
things in that wheelchair.

And how am I supposed
to be inspiring with legs?

By running a marathon?

By climbing Mount Everest?

I can't climb Mount Everest.

And it's already been done
thousands of times!

(crying)

(groans)

(beeping)

(chomping)

(grunting)

What in the hell are you doing?

Why, why won't my sugar level
spike again, Hank?

I want things to be like before!

Cut it out! You'll end
up in the hospital!

I know!

That's what I'm trying to do!

Nope, not happening, bro.

All that exercise you got
hanging out with me

got you in control
of your diabetes.

You're welcome.

Why'd you bring him here, Hank?

To rub it in?

I brought him here

to talk some sense into you

because you're acting
like a jackass.

(blubbering)

I just wanted to be special

and inspiring like you

and FDR and Larry Flynt.

Bro, you cured yourself.

That's pretty inspiring.

That's right.

Dr. Weissman said
you'd never walk again.

He told you to give up,
and you didn't.

You beat diabetes, Bill!

Someone'll probably write
a whole pamphlet about you!

You know, if I were you

the first thing I'd do
with my legs is stand up

and kick your doctor's ass.

But for the record,

I don't need legs
to kick anyone's ass.

Dr. Weissman,

my friend Bill would like
to register a complaint.

Ooh.

Are you upset or something?

I said you had diabetes,
not cry-a-betes.

You told me I was gonna
lose my legs!

No, I said your legs
could fail one day.

Possibly... I... I
never said anything

that could constitute
malpractice

under its current definition.

Mm-hmm.

My legs work just fine.

Isn't that inspiring?

(Bill grunting, groaning)
WEISSMAN: Ow! Ow! Ow!

(glass breaking)

Uh, my friend is just, uh...

I don't hear a thing.

(Bill grunting,
Weissman groaning)

(clattering, banging)

(Thunder whistles
like a massage chair)

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