King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 1, Episode 12 - Plastic White Female - full transcript

Sensors detect a ship
on an intercept course at warp speed.

Should we go to red alert?

Make it so.

JOSEPH: I'm having a party next Sunday.

BOBBY: Can I come?
JOSEPH: I guess.

Arm the photon torpedoes.

[Hawking spit]

Is there gonna be cake?

No. This party's gonna be different.

Different how?

There's gonna be girls.



Fire!

[Spits]

[Swallows]

[Theme music]

TEACHER: In 1983, disaster struck
Mrs. Alma Campbell...

when she got her hair chemically relaxed
at the Casa Linda Salon in Las Cruces.

What was the issue?

Miss Platter?

- It didn't look good?
- No.

Miss Johnson, enlighten us, please.

The stylist failed to detect
the subject's habitual overuse of henna...

which prevents penetration
of chemical relaxants...

like sodium hydroxide
and ammonium thioglycolate.

TEACHER: Bravo. Remember,
the most difficult cut in beauty school...



is the cut that separates first-year
students from second-year students.

Think about that while you study
for next week's final exam, Miss Platter.

BOBBY: A manicurist with
a seven-inch file...

is on a train heading east
at 80 miles per hour.

Not another manicure question.

Why do I need to learn all this stuff?

Beauty is an art.

It's not something you can learn in school,
like gym or study hall.

Bill's. Bill's. Bill's.

Why do we keep getting Bill's mail?

Uncle Hank, want me to give you
a whole new look?

Why would I want to do that?
You don't mess with success.

LUANNE: But I need as much practice
as I can get before my final. Please?

Well, it has been almost a week
since my last haircut.

- What the heck? I could use a trim.
- Great.

I'll be right with you.

- I can't see any highlights.
- Yes, you can. You love them. Next.

Hey, what's cooking, good...

Well, I do not like it either.

But I am trying to be supportive
of Luanne's education.

And I expect you to do the same.

LUANNE: Uncle Hank!

One chair, no waiting.

No way, Peggy.

My hair is our livelihood.

The advantages of propane
don't always sell themselves.

LUANNE: All set, Uncle Hank.

Luanne...

I'm thinking about
just letting my hair grow.

Oh.

Have you ever considered
a different color?

[Laughs]

Men don't do that.

Sure they do. Even President Reagan did.

If Ron Reagan dyed his hair,
and I'm not saying he did...

it was only to show his strength
to the Communists.

Joseph's having a party.

A boy-girl party, with girls.

You're gonna need some chaperones,
especially if my Bobby's there.

Don't worry, I got it all under control.

There's not gonna be any hanky-panky
at my house.

Hey, John Redcorn.

[Rock music playing in jeep]

[Nervous laugh]

Yeah...

You know, it's about time
Bobby got bit by the love bug.

Boy, when I was his age,
I was so girl-crazy...

they called me Ricardo Montalban.

- After the actor.
- Yep.

Joseph's getting to be
a real lady-killer, too.

I reckon he gets that from his old man.

Hey there, Bobby.
I guess they found a cure for the cooties.

I don't know. What are cooties?

When I was a boy, that's what we called
the germs you got from girls.

You mean, like chlamydia?

PEGGY: What are you two talking about?

Bobby was invited
to his first boy-girl party.

A boy-girl party? Already?

I don't think I want to go.

That's just fine, Bobby.
Would you like a juice box?

Wait a minute.

Son, why would you not want to go
to a boy-girl party?

Parties are fun, Bobby.

Everybody dresses up.
And you get to touch dance.

Touch dance? I don't know.

- What if I get felt up?
- You just need some practice.

Luanne's right. All you need is practice.

Do you think Jeff Foxworthy just woke up
one day and took some funny pills?

And that's why blondes
don't necessarily have more fun.

All right, class.

Let's take a few moments
to discuss next week's final exam.

Mr. Hernandez, hand them their heads.

You have to demonstrate
a year's worth of theory...

on your practice head.

Be advised, in beauty school, as in life...

you only get one head.

You will need to use both
to pass the exam, Miss Platter.

GIRL: Hey, watch where you're going.
BOBBY: Okay.

[Girls giggling]

[Hissing]

GIRL: [Monster voice] What have we here?

KAHN JR: Hey, Bobby, want to eat?

What? Okay.

Are you going to Joseph's party?

No. My dad won't let me be around boys
until after I'm married.

- Are you going?
- No.

Joseph's got a birthday in nine weeks.
And I don't want to get partied out.

HANK: Which bolo tie do you want
to wear to the party?

The cow's skull or the bull's skull?

- It doesn't matter. I'm not going.
- What?

BOBBY: It's just a dumb party.
HANK: A dumb party with girls.

I don't like girls.

Peg, honey, close the screen door.

- Can I speak with you?
- In a minute.

PEGGY: In the kitchen.
HANK: This better be about dinner.

PEGGY: Why don't you just drive
him out to Hollywood...

and put him on The Dating Game?

HANK: He's almost a teenager.
It ain't normal not to be curious.

It is perfectly normal
for a late bloomer to be a little...

He is not a late bloomer.

How can you even think
something like that about your own son?

He obviously is not ready
to socialize with the opposite sex.

The way you baby him, he never will be.

Do you know anyone
who would like a hot fudge sundae?

LUANNE: Look, I got my practice head.

It's got real hair and everything.

- It's a very nice head...
- Don't touch it!

I can't let anything happen to it
before my final exam.

This is my chance to show everyone...

it doesn't matter
that I wasn't paying any attention.

I may not be...

PEGGY: Bobby and I are going to the mall.
There is a sale on jockey shorts at Sears.

LUANNE: Maybe I'll go with you.

Okay. Bobby, vamanos, come on.

BOBBY: I just remembered.
There's an after-school special on.

It's about Jesus.

Well, you cannot miss that.

Okay, Luanne, it's just you and me.

Okay, bye.

[Clears throat]

Hi.

[Sighing]

Hi, I'm Bobby.

BOBBY: I'm sorry. We're all out of diet.

You look really special tonight.

You want to dance?

[Salsa music playing on stereo]

[Horn honking]

[Music stops abruptly]

[Door closing]

- Hello, sweetheart...
- Nothing!

HANK: Hey, Dale, Bill, Boomhauer.

Don't you "Dale, Bill, Boomhauer" us.
You said noon.

It's 12:15.

Do you have any idea
how long we've been waiting?

HANK: I overslept.
My damned hair's getting so long...

it's rustling on my pillow
and keeping me up all night.

LUANNE: Uncle Hank!

I've never seen you with such long hair.
Come on. Let me trim it.

No. Sorry, I love my long, long hair.

Why don't you practice
on your practice head?

But I only get one chance to cut that hair.

Hey! We got a whole busload of
new recruits coming on the base today.

You could practice on them.

Thanks, Mr. Dauterive.
I'll go get my instruments.

Boy, I can't wait for her
to get that damn test over with.

I know. You know, I feel for that kid.

I remember when I was starting
out as a young barber, I felt so alone...

Nobody cares, Bill.

Clean lines. Nice shape on the cowlick.

Primo cut, Luanne!

Thank you, Mr. Dauterive.

[Whistles]

PEGGY: Wow, you look good.

You look better than good.

You look like a weather man.

I'm just gonna have some fruit
and a glass of skim milk.

- I want to slim down for Joseph's party.
- Atta boy!

But you said you didn't want to go.

I changed my mind.

He changed his mind.

Bet I know why.

Bobby Hill has a girlfriend.

- He does not. Do you?
- No.

There's nothing
to be embarrassed about, son.

Hell, I'm proud of you.

Hell, I'm proud of you, too, Dad. Bye.

See, Peggy? Our boy is perfectly normal.

[Romantic 1960s music playing]

Hey, Courtney.

How you doing, Ashley?

Looking good, Maria.
I'll catch you later, Bonnie.

Man, when did you get to be so slick?

What do you mean?
Yo, Sharise, you stone-cold fox, what up?

You are gonna be
the most popular guy at my party.

I hope your lips don't fall off.

From what?

From kissing.

We're gonna play Spin the Bottle.

[Moans]

BOBBY: Guess who?

You look so tense.

I have something special
planned for tonight.

Bobby! Honey, I need some help
with the groceries!

Bobby?

[Mellow instrumental music]

BOBBY: Relax, baby. It's just you and me.

- Bobby!
- Mom!

HANK: You must've got it wrong.
Maybe he just fell on it or something.

Hank, he was kissing it.
I saw it with my own two eyes.

I'm gonna be seeing it
for the rest of my life.

Now, Peggy, it's not your fault.

- Why'd you say that?
- I just said it's not your fault.

Well, it did not need saying.
I know it is not my fault.

If anything, this is your fault.

You made him go
to that camp with no toilet doors.

Don't point your finger at me, woman.

You're the one who parks him
in front of the TV...

and makes him watch all them Muppets.

They got frogs kissing pigs.

What did they think was gonna happen?

We are not gonna get anywhere
by attacking each other.

We have to do the sensible thing.

- We'll move to Berlin.
- What?

Bobby will be accepted there.

I read somewhere that Germans,
they're a very tolerant people.

Their culture admires all kinds of freaks.

Our boy is not a freak. He's just confused.

I'm gonna cut those apron strings...

you got him tied down with
and set that boy straight, I tell you what.

HANK: Bobby?

We are heading down the hall
towards your room, son.

[Knocking]

That's us knocking, your mother and me.

Come in.

HANK: Okay, then. We're coming on in.

Bobby, how would you like
to go for a car ride?

Look, Bobby, I'm as open-minded
as the next guy.

But just so you know, most states
won't let you marry a plastic head.

I don't want to marry it.

I just needed to practice my first kiss,
so I don't look like an idiot.

You're kissing a plastic head,
and you're afraid of looking like an idiot?

Son, I'm doing this for your own good.

You're just using this head as a crutch.

It's not a crutch, Dad.

It's something I've come to rely on
to help me through life.

Well, I'll make you a deal.
Go to your party.

Afterwards, if you still want this head,
you can have it.

But I won't need it after the party.

Exactly.

HANK: Let this be the end of it.

[Snoring]

[Dog barking]

[Snoring]

[Lock opening]

[Snoring]

[Door creaking]

Well, that just tears it.
I have tried to be patient.

But now it's time for a little tough love.

BOBBY: Wait!

LUANNE: What's going on?
PEGGY: I don't know.

BOBBY: No, Dad! No!

[Saw running]

Hank!

Stop, Hank. Please.

LUANNE: Oh, no. Please, not my head!

LUANNE: My test! What about my test?

TEACHER: Passable.

Good.

First, this is not the plastic head
you were issued.

Second, just look at the way you shaved...

against the grain here, here, and here.

And these are the worst sideburns
I've seen since Chair 3...

which makes me suspect you cheated.

F.

That means, you fail.

What a bitch.

Don't cry, Luanne.
This is the best haircut I ever had.

The hair is all nice and uniform...

which is tough 'cause I have
bumps here and here.

LUANNE: I noticed.

I layered on the upslopes
and tapered on the down.

Yep. This is my all-time favorite haircut.

Thanks, Uncle Hank.

Miss Platter?

I'm sorry.

I've been mean and unfair.

I guess I just got so far from the hair...

and so into the whole power trip
of running the academy...

I forgot the most important principle
of the beautician's art.

Repeat business and referrals.

You pleased your customer. You pass.

[Class applauding]

[Cheering and whistling]

Come here, Ladybird.
Come here. You're so pretty.

[Makes kissing noises]

PEGGY: Bobby, your father told me you
were just kissing the head for practice.

Now, I know he made that up
to protect me.

But I am your mother.

And I have decided
that I am gonna love you no matter what.

Okay.

I realize I am just as much to blame
for your condition...

as the media and the devil.

I have been overprotective.
You're not a baby anymore.

You are gonna have a long
and interesting life ahead of you.

And it's time for me to just let go.

Just let go. So you go on.

You go to the party. That's right.

Just spread your wings
and fly away, little bird.

[Swallows]

KAHN JR: Watch out!

Hey, aren't you going to Joseph's party?

I can't. It's a make-out party.

And my dad took away my plastic head.

What a buzz kill.
I've been practicing, too. Look.

What a great idea.

I want my first kiss to be perfect.

You know, something sweet
I can keep with me my whole life.

Hey, Bobby, can we practice
on each other?

- You want to kiss me?
- No, just practice.

Okay.

Close your eyes.

This is stupid.

Let's try it with our eyes open.

Was that right?

I think so. Do I have any hickies?

I don't see anything.

MINH: Kahn Jr., come home for dinner.
Your prawn's getting cold.

Well, I better get to that party.

Hey, good luck.

Thanks.

[Sighs]

[Crickets chirping]

DALE: All right!
Why is it so quiet down here?

What are you kids up to?

Dad!

NANCY: Let's leave them alone.
DALE: You can't leave them alone.

NANCY: For Pete's sake.
DALE: Told you this would happen.

We get them boys and girls,
leave them alone...

we get all that hanky-panky going on.

NANCY: But that's what's
supposed to happen.

DALE: It's the damn sugar.

NANCY: Sugar, what?

[Theme music]