Kiff (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Halfway There Day/Be Still My Harp - full transcript
Kiff is in charge of the important holiday meal, and nothing can go wrong; Barry gets stuck in a harp that causes anyone who hears it to get trapped in their memories.
(theme song playing)
♪ Kiff! ♪
♪ Kiff! Kiff! ♪
♪ Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! ♪
♪ Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! ♪
♪ Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! ♪
♪ Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! ♪
♪ Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! ♪
♪ Yeah! ♪
♪ Kiff! ♪
(chuckles)
(both laughing)
NEWSCASTER SALLY:
Brought to you by Slim Pickins.
We're never out of stock.
It's Halfway There Day, folks!
July 2nd, and we've made it
halfway through the year.
We've all been working so hard,
and now is the time for our most beloved,
no pressure holiday!
Forget cleaning your house
before some formal dinner.
It's time to accept where
you're at and take it easy.
The Famous Halfway There Day Dinner
is all about putting in 50%
effort and having 100% fun.
Are Tabletonians ready to half-heinie
their holiday dinners?
Our roving reporter Bill
is taking to shoppers. Bill?
In true Halfway There Day spirit,
everyone sure waited for the last minute
to do their shopping.
Let's just hope they aren't
putting any pressure
on themselves for the big meal!
Happy Halfway There Day! Whoo!
(chuckles) Looks like
you're gonna get a visit
from Centaur Claus! Remember,
if you only give 50% effort,
Centaur Claus will schlep
his magical trash can
to your house, so you can throw away
your New Year's resolutions
and go easy on yourself
for the rest of the year!
(panting)
Kiff, you're working pretty hard.
Are you sure you don't wanna go play?
School's out! It's a blast out there.
Mom, no! It's my year
to make the Halfway dinner.
It's the best night of the year.
I'm gonna get it perfect!
I mean... (scoffs)
Get it 50%. It's gonna be great.
We can't serve the dinner crawl crew
a perfect meal,
and giving 50%
isn't exactly your strong suit,
which I know and love about you!
I'm cool, Mama cat!
Look, I can guarantee I'll only give 50%!
Uhh... hon,
I think it's time I tell you
the tale of Beverly.
'Twas Halfway There Day,
and time for the crawl.
Where dinner would be eaten,
in the houses of all.
First came the starters
at house number one.
Simple, easy, and oh-so-much fun!
House two and three,
first salad, then soup!
"We're so relaxed," laughed
the loosened-up group!
The next host was Beverly
at house number four.
She said, "Come on in!"
and opened the door.
Everyone froze.
There was horror and shock.
There was crystal and china
from bottom to top.
Through the streets they ran screaming,
"But look how we're dressed!"
Halfway There Day was ruined!
She'd done her... best!
She made 'em feel bad
for their average snacks.
It was over for Beverly.
They never went back.
- Where she is today...
- (owl hooting)
...nobody knows.
I heard she lives in the mountains.
- Her friends, only crows.
- (crows cawing)
It was messed up, Kiff.
I got this, mom. I ain't no Beverly.
Family!
- Family!
- Looking good!
Where's that Kiff?
Low, medium, medium-high, high!
(chuckles) Unplug her!
Kiff, loosen up.
Yeah! This is supposed to be slapdash.
I wanna be served
a gutted mozzarella stick tonight.
Just a flapping tube of crumbs.
And I don't wanna know
where the cheese went.
I want you to slip it in my coat pocket
so I find it years later on a walk!
That's Halfway There Day.
OK, OK, I'm on it! Now, shoo.
(sniffing) OMG.
No. Please be underdone.
CHOIR: ♪ Restaurant quality ♪
No! You're supposed
to be average popovers.
Pop-unders, so to speak.
(shudders) But you're perfect.
(happy smacking)
(sighs)
Aah, this is a delicious nightmare!
- Kiff?
- No intruders!
Hon, this is supposed to be
a no-stress day, so--
I know it's a no-stress day.
OK, I'll get out of your hair.
(sighs) Halfway There Day dinner crawl,
I won't let you down.
Five hours
till everyone's here for entrees.
Four hours till the crawl starts.
So I've got three hours
to pull together a dinner
that looks like I pulled
it together in three minutes.
I can do this. I'm breezy.
(panting)
Oh, they're outta everything!
No wet bread sammies? No TV dinners?
All that's left is... gold-leaf truffles?
Ugh! I'm a goner.
♪ Halfway there
We're halfway there ♪
♪ If you haven't done it all ♪
♪ Then we don't care ♪
♪ We love one another the way we are ♪
Little girl, is everything all right?
I don't have anything
for my Halfway Dinner.
Here, take some of my leftovers.
I always make too much.
It's nothing special.
So, perfect for the day.
Wow, thank you! I tried cooking,
but I messed up,
and it came out perfectly.
I almost pulled a total Beverly.
A... Beverly?
You know, Beverly. The woman who tanked
- Halfway There Day.
- (dramatic music)
- She tried too hard?
- (dramatic music)
- Made everyone mad?
- (dramatic music)
Beverly? Whole neighborhood
talks about her
like she's dead,
but apparently, she's just
not invited to the dinner crawl anymore?
(dramatic music)
I mean, I guess she is dead.
To the crawl crew. Beverly!
- (dramatic sting)
- (crow cawing)
(chuckles) Gosh, you're a quiet one.
I didn't even catch your name.
I'm Kiff. And you're...
- (ominous bell tolls)
- (slowed) Beverly.
Eeeyikeseeola.
Well, Bev, gotta run!
Thanks for the generous food parcels!
(crows cawing)
(upbeat music playing)
I thought you were in the bathroom.
I've been gone for two hours.
In the bathroom?
No. But listen, we're OK.
We almost weren't, but now, we are.
An average tableau!
Huzzah!
Guys, we gotta go!
- Ready!
- (both kissing)
(dark music playing)
ALL: Halfway There Day dinner crawl!
♪ Halfway there ♪
♪ We're halfway there ♪
Hope you like cheese balls!
Whee!
♪ Then we don't care ♪
♪ We love one another ♪
I made a tossed salad!
♪ It's time to lower the bar, yeah! ♪
♪ Halfway there
We're halfway there ♪
Group soup!
♪ And the time has come for us to say ♪
♪ Sit right down ♪
OK, hold on.
A lot of you didn't think I had it in me
to half-heinie anything,
but I think we're all gonna agree
there is nothing about my dinner
that doesn't scream
"relax to the max." (laughs)
Now, let's eat!
(gasps)
(dramatic music)
(playing softly)
Is this a joke?
I didn't do this. I swear!
Barry saw my spread, it was junk!
It was!
Oh, your best friend's your key witness?
Fishy. Too fishy.
Kiff! I let my hair down!
- (breathing heavily)
- Guys, we'll do worse next year.
Please, I-- I wanted
to give Kiff a chance.
T-To experience the joy
of half-heinying something!
Don't kick us out of the crawl!
I really did phone it in, guys.
You'll have to start
celebrating with Beverly,
wherever she may be.
Please, take pity on us!
- No, no, no, no, no!
- (sleigh bells)
Centaur Claus? A Halfway
There Day miracle?
Aah!
(yelps, exclaiming)
- (ominous bell tolling)
- BERYL: Beverly?
(gasps) You did this! You gave 100%!
Oh! Oh, I see. A real Beverly move.
What are you gonna do,
kick me out of dinner crawl twice?
(laughs) You. You get it.
I just finished what you
started this morning.
(laughs)
Join me.
- Join me!
- Let's get 'em!
CENTAUR CLAUS: Ha, ha, ha!
Merry Halfway There-y!
ALL: Centaur Claus!
- Claus!
- Centaur Claus!
Let's hug him!
REGGIE: But where?
Anywhere! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
It was Kiff's fault!
Helen, if I wanted to play the blame game,
I woulda set up a folding table.
You've made your point.
Did you come all the way from the equator
just to drag me?
Am I crazy? Are they flirty?
Very flirty.
This crawl crew has a problem.
Have you all forgotten the true meaning
of Halfway There Day?
It's not about simply giving 50%,
it's about not feeling pressured
to give 100%.
And if some people like Beverly or Kiff...
Centaur Claus knows my name.
...feel no pressure to go all out,
then why in the name of July 2nd
are you putting pressure on them
to do otherwise?
Don't you see the paradox?
We do now!
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Now, if it were up to me, which it is...
- Oh, totally, totally.
- What's up!
You'll let Beverly back
into the dinner crawl
and accept however
anyone chooses to celebrate
Halfway There Day from here on out.
Everyone is saying that they're sorry,
which is the right thing to say.
We've really learned a lesson.
We get it now!
My work here is done.
Oh! I almost forgot.
(angelic choir)
The magical garbage can! It's real!
Resolutions welcome!
Goodbye, exercising
for 10 minutes every day.
See ya later, doing my taxes on time.
Au revoir, waking up at 5:00 a.m.
every morning. (chuckles)
Take that, "decorating less"!
I love decorating!
(instrumental music playing)
Thanks, Centaur Claus.
(chuckles) And remember...
go easy on yourself.
(laughs)
♪ Kiff! ♪
♪ Kiff! Kiff! ♪
♪ Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! ♪
♪ Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! ♪
♪ Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! ♪
♪ Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! ♪
♪ Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! ♪
♪ Yeah! ♪
♪ Kiff! ♪
(chuckles)
(both laughing)
NEWSCASTER SALLY:
Brought to you by Slim Pickins.
We're never out of stock.
It's Halfway There Day, folks!
July 2nd, and we've made it
halfway through the year.
We've all been working so hard,
and now is the time for our most beloved,
no pressure holiday!
Forget cleaning your house
before some formal dinner.
It's time to accept where
you're at and take it easy.
The Famous Halfway There Day Dinner
is all about putting in 50%
effort and having 100% fun.
Are Tabletonians ready to half-heinie
their holiday dinners?
Our roving reporter Bill
is taking to shoppers. Bill?
In true Halfway There Day spirit,
everyone sure waited for the last minute
to do their shopping.
Let's just hope they aren't
putting any pressure
on themselves for the big meal!
Happy Halfway There Day! Whoo!
(chuckles) Looks like
you're gonna get a visit
from Centaur Claus! Remember,
if you only give 50% effort,
Centaur Claus will schlep
his magical trash can
to your house, so you can throw away
your New Year's resolutions
and go easy on yourself
for the rest of the year!
(panting)
Kiff, you're working pretty hard.
Are you sure you don't wanna go play?
School's out! It's a blast out there.
Mom, no! It's my year
to make the Halfway dinner.
It's the best night of the year.
I'm gonna get it perfect!
I mean... (scoffs)
Get it 50%. It's gonna be great.
We can't serve the dinner crawl crew
a perfect meal,
and giving 50%
isn't exactly your strong suit,
which I know and love about you!
I'm cool, Mama cat!
Look, I can guarantee I'll only give 50%!
Uhh... hon,
I think it's time I tell you
the tale of Beverly.
'Twas Halfway There Day,
and time for the crawl.
Where dinner would be eaten,
in the houses of all.
First came the starters
at house number one.
Simple, easy, and oh-so-much fun!
House two and three,
first salad, then soup!
"We're so relaxed," laughed
the loosened-up group!
The next host was Beverly
at house number four.
She said, "Come on in!"
and opened the door.
Everyone froze.
There was horror and shock.
There was crystal and china
from bottom to top.
Through the streets they ran screaming,
"But look how we're dressed!"
Halfway There Day was ruined!
She'd done her... best!
She made 'em feel bad
for their average snacks.
It was over for Beverly.
They never went back.
- Where she is today...
- (owl hooting)
...nobody knows.
I heard she lives in the mountains.
- Her friends, only crows.
- (crows cawing)
It was messed up, Kiff.
I got this, mom. I ain't no Beverly.
Family!
- Family!
- Looking good!
Where's that Kiff?
Low, medium, medium-high, high!
(chuckles) Unplug her!
Kiff, loosen up.
Yeah! This is supposed to be slapdash.
I wanna be served
a gutted mozzarella stick tonight.
Just a flapping tube of crumbs.
And I don't wanna know
where the cheese went.
I want you to slip it in my coat pocket
so I find it years later on a walk!
That's Halfway There Day.
OK, OK, I'm on it! Now, shoo.
(sniffing) OMG.
No. Please be underdone.
CHOIR: ♪ Restaurant quality ♪
No! You're supposed
to be average popovers.
Pop-unders, so to speak.
(shudders) But you're perfect.
(happy smacking)
(sighs)
Aah, this is a delicious nightmare!
- Kiff?
- No intruders!
Hon, this is supposed to be
a no-stress day, so--
I know it's a no-stress day.
OK, I'll get out of your hair.
(sighs) Halfway There Day dinner crawl,
I won't let you down.
Five hours
till everyone's here for entrees.
Four hours till the crawl starts.
So I've got three hours
to pull together a dinner
that looks like I pulled
it together in three minutes.
I can do this. I'm breezy.
(panting)
Oh, they're outta everything!
No wet bread sammies? No TV dinners?
All that's left is... gold-leaf truffles?
Ugh! I'm a goner.
♪ Halfway there
We're halfway there ♪
♪ If you haven't done it all ♪
♪ Then we don't care ♪
♪ We love one another the way we are ♪
Little girl, is everything all right?
I don't have anything
for my Halfway Dinner.
Here, take some of my leftovers.
I always make too much.
It's nothing special.
So, perfect for the day.
Wow, thank you! I tried cooking,
but I messed up,
and it came out perfectly.
I almost pulled a total Beverly.
A... Beverly?
You know, Beverly. The woman who tanked
- Halfway There Day.
- (dramatic music)
- She tried too hard?
- (dramatic music)
- Made everyone mad?
- (dramatic music)
Beverly? Whole neighborhood
talks about her
like she's dead,
but apparently, she's just
not invited to the dinner crawl anymore?
(dramatic music)
I mean, I guess she is dead.
To the crawl crew. Beverly!
- (dramatic sting)
- (crow cawing)
(chuckles) Gosh, you're a quiet one.
I didn't even catch your name.
I'm Kiff. And you're...
- (ominous bell tolls)
- (slowed) Beverly.
Eeeyikeseeola.
Well, Bev, gotta run!
Thanks for the generous food parcels!
(crows cawing)
(upbeat music playing)
I thought you were in the bathroom.
I've been gone for two hours.
In the bathroom?
No. But listen, we're OK.
We almost weren't, but now, we are.
An average tableau!
Huzzah!
Guys, we gotta go!
- Ready!
- (both kissing)
(dark music playing)
ALL: Halfway There Day dinner crawl!
♪ Halfway there ♪
♪ We're halfway there ♪
Hope you like cheese balls!
Whee!
♪ Then we don't care ♪
♪ We love one another ♪
I made a tossed salad!
♪ It's time to lower the bar, yeah! ♪
♪ Halfway there
We're halfway there ♪
Group soup!
♪ And the time has come for us to say ♪
♪ Sit right down ♪
OK, hold on.
A lot of you didn't think I had it in me
to half-heinie anything,
but I think we're all gonna agree
there is nothing about my dinner
that doesn't scream
"relax to the max." (laughs)
Now, let's eat!
(gasps)
(dramatic music)
(playing softly)
Is this a joke?
I didn't do this. I swear!
Barry saw my spread, it was junk!
It was!
Oh, your best friend's your key witness?
Fishy. Too fishy.
Kiff! I let my hair down!
- (breathing heavily)
- Guys, we'll do worse next year.
Please, I-- I wanted
to give Kiff a chance.
T-To experience the joy
of half-heinying something!
Don't kick us out of the crawl!
I really did phone it in, guys.
You'll have to start
celebrating with Beverly,
wherever she may be.
Please, take pity on us!
- No, no, no, no, no!
- (sleigh bells)
Centaur Claus? A Halfway
There Day miracle?
Aah!
(yelps, exclaiming)
- (ominous bell tolling)
- BERYL: Beverly?
(gasps) You did this! You gave 100%!
Oh! Oh, I see. A real Beverly move.
What are you gonna do,
kick me out of dinner crawl twice?
(laughs) You. You get it.
I just finished what you
started this morning.
(laughs)
Join me.
- Join me!
- Let's get 'em!
CENTAUR CLAUS: Ha, ha, ha!
Merry Halfway There-y!
ALL: Centaur Claus!
- Claus!
- Centaur Claus!
Let's hug him!
REGGIE: But where?
Anywhere! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
It was Kiff's fault!
Helen, if I wanted to play the blame game,
I woulda set up a folding table.
You've made your point.
Did you come all the way from the equator
just to drag me?
Am I crazy? Are they flirty?
Very flirty.
This crawl crew has a problem.
Have you all forgotten the true meaning
of Halfway There Day?
It's not about simply giving 50%,
it's about not feeling pressured
to give 100%.
And if some people like Beverly or Kiff...
Centaur Claus knows my name.
...feel no pressure to go all out,
then why in the name of July 2nd
are you putting pressure on them
to do otherwise?
Don't you see the paradox?
We do now!
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Now, if it were up to me, which it is...
- Oh, totally, totally.
- What's up!
You'll let Beverly back
into the dinner crawl
and accept however
anyone chooses to celebrate
Halfway There Day from here on out.
Everyone is saying that they're sorry,
which is the right thing to say.
We've really learned a lesson.
We get it now!
My work here is done.
Oh! I almost forgot.
(angelic choir)
The magical garbage can! It's real!
Resolutions welcome!
Goodbye, exercising
for 10 minutes every day.
See ya later, doing my taxes on time.
Au revoir, waking up at 5:00 a.m.
every morning. (chuckles)
Take that, "decorating less"!
I love decorating!
(instrumental music playing)
Thanks, Centaur Claus.
(chuckles) And remember...
go easy on yourself.
(laughs)