Kiff (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Farley/Two for One Hot Dogs - full transcript
When Kiff ruins Kristophe's favorite toy, she takes its place while Barry tries to clean the doll; Kiff and Barry spiral when they learn their best days are behind them.
[kid] Brought to you by Fran's Franks!
Two for one hot dogs?
It doesn't get better than this!
[loud munching]
Watch the mustard!
[both giggle]
[both sigh]
Two-for-one hot dogs?
Incredible!
Mmm. I know!
I would have paid double for half.
Hey, look! A billboard
for the hot dogs we just ate.
Great mole.
And look at the slogan.
[Barry] "It doesn't get better than this!"
You said it, billboard.
[Kiff and Barry] "It doesn't...
get better... than this."
[foreboding music]
- It doesn't?
- Ever?
That can't be true.
But why would a billboard lie to a person?
[somber music]
[both] Non!
So that's it then.
We just experienced
the best moment of our lives?
No. [chuckles] Maybe we just
gotta prove the billboard wrong.
If we can just have a better
time than we had
eating the hotdogs, then
we'll know we haven't peaked!
And then, we can go on our merry way.
- [chuckles]
- Okay, sure!
It'll be fine.
[fun music]
[game console sounds]
[bell ringing]
Whoo! [laughs]
Did ya have fun, Barry?
No.
The two for one deal put us
in silly moods, Kiff!
We were in silly moods!
I didn't have fun at the carnival either.
Ugh, we've been in denial.
The billboard was right.
And that makes me angry!
Come on, Bar!
[dramatic music]
[crowd grunts]
Hey! You can't just serve people
the best moment of their lives
without warning them.
The "deal" was two hot dogs
for the price of one,
not two hot dogs for a life
that's all downhill from here.
That is a very expensive hot dog!
[exclaims]
[upbeat rock music]
[grunts]
[laughs] I'm loving this.
[sighs]
Rage feels great and all,
- but it doesn't undo the fact
- [birds] Ahh!
that we've peaked in life.
I wish we could just undo
the whole dang hot dog moment!
I'd do anything!
- Hello!
- [both] Ahh!
Sounds like you noobs
need a reversal spell.
Jeez, Helen, a little heads up?
- I think you mean: A little Helen's up?
- Huh?
Whenever you see me,
you're supposed to say:
"Helen's Up."
Says who? C-can you just do the spell?
We'll do anything, please.
Great. Then get on board
with "Helen's Up."
Say it any time you see me,
and I'll give you the spell.
- Fine, okay, sure.
- Barry?
Sure, yes, I'll start saying:
"Helen's Up."
I am satisfied by our pact.
Lint from purse. Reverse.
[rewinding noise]
Wha-wait. It stopped reversing.
But we haven't uneaten the hot dogs.
We've still peaked.
[both] Helen's Up!
What?
Well, the reversal spell. It just stopped.
What are you talking about?
I don't do reversal spells.
They never work.
Oh, my gosh.
It's the Helen from earlier.
She has no memory of our conversation.
Well, at least we don't have
to say "Helen's Up" now.
By the way, "Helen's up"--
I like it.
[groans]
We've still peaked.
[gentle guitar plays]
[both sigh]
[male voice] Gather round...
lemme tell you what happens to a person
who's lived all the life there is to live.
♪ Well, I've ridden on
The fastest rollercoaster ♪
♪ Photobombed A theatrical poster ♪
♪ But it don't get Better than this ♪
♪ I've chased tornados
And discovered a star ♪
♪ That one time my mom
Let me drive her car ♪
♪ But it don't get Better than this ♪
♪ Oh, there's nothin' More fun ♪
♪ Than a hot dog That comes two for one ♪
♪ When you've done All that can be done ♪
♪ And there's no more Life to live ♪
♪ It don't get better
Don't get better than this ♪
♪ It sure don't ♪
♪ I've run with wild horses ♪
♪ On the open plains ♪
♪ Did a glass blowing class ♪
♪ With a guy named Wayne ♪
♪ But it don't get Better than this ♪
♪ I took a peanut I threw it up high ♪
♪ Caught it in my mouth
Even with closed eyes ♪
♪ But it don't get Better than this ♪
♪ Oh, there's nothin' More fun ♪
♪ Than a hot dog That comes two for one ♪
♪ When you've done all That can be done ♪
♪ Oh... ♪
♪ There's nothin' more fun ♪
♪ Than a hot dog That comes two for one ♪
♪ When you've done all That can be done ♪
[song continues on PA]
Well, now that we've accepted our fate,
at least we have a nice place
to wait out the remainder of our years.
- Achoo!
- What?
Room for two please.
Forever.
[old-time music plays]
- Love three p.m. dinner.
- Preach, Gayle.
- Barry.
- Other Barry.
[stammers] M-my mom and I,
we went-- uh, we went down...
- [snores]
- ...and the, and the, uh, I went...
can-- can I wanted candy and the can...
[clock chimes]
Well, 3:05.
Better get a head start on bedtime.
This is the way it goes when
your best days are behind you.
We'll get used to it though,
just like we got used to being
fun, happy children.
Right.
[happy kids chattering]
[boy] Anyone want to play tag?
[grunts] Dumb kids.
What are they even doing?
Whatever it is,
it doesn't sound fun at all.
No way. [scoffs]
[girl] Can someone help me move this
wheelbarrow of water balloons?
[upbeat music]
Should we call in a noise complaint?
We could say there's a group of kids
who haven't peaked yet
and they are keeping us up!
[boy] Did the ice cream truck driver
just open up the back of his truck,
throw his keys into the river,
and then run away?
[laughs] I mean...
[inhales] I could go out
and grab us some ear plugs.
Great, I'll go grab some... eye masks.
Great thinking!
Good luck with your errand.
You as well.
I'll just take a quick peek,
and then it's back to bed.
[grunts]
No ear plugs?
No eye masks?
I don't want to accept my fate!
Yeah, I don't either.
I guess we could go watch
other kids have fun?
[music builds]
[cheering]
These aren't kids.
Hey! Hey, weren't you asleep at dinner?
I try to stay awake,
but my grandson does go on and on!
What?
Uh-- Whoa!
We're making all local stops!
Bingo!
Barry, a piñata.
[all chanting] Barry! Barry!
Barry! Barry! Barry!
Whee!
[both laugh, gasp]
Wow! That is one hot dog!
No one can say that is not a hot dog!
The hot dogs.
[thud]
This was a mistake. A glitch.
The best moment of our lives
already happened, right?
[echoing] Is this all a dream?
[sighs] Come on, Bar,
it's past our bedtime.
[both gasp] Kid from
the billboard all grown up.
It doesn't get better than this!
- Something just hit me.
- Uh, it was a burger.
No, beneath the burger.
- Something hit my mind!
- Go on...
Maybe we couldn't top
the hot dog moment earlier
because we were trying so hard.
When you stop thinking about it,
you just start having fun.
[both] The billboard was...
just a dumb ad?
[Barry] The best time
is happening all the time!
You just gotta enjoy it!
He's right, folks!
He's right!
Did someone order a combo meal?
[cheering]
I'll take-- I'll take a little
bit of that combo.
[clamoring]
[all] It doesn't get better than this!
Is what we used to think,
but now we have a more
Four Dimensional view of it.
[closing theme plays]
Two for one hot dogs?
It doesn't get better than this!
[loud munching]
Watch the mustard!
[both giggle]
[both sigh]
Two-for-one hot dogs?
Incredible!
Mmm. I know!
I would have paid double for half.
Hey, look! A billboard
for the hot dogs we just ate.
Great mole.
And look at the slogan.
[Barry] "It doesn't get better than this!"
You said it, billboard.
[Kiff and Barry] "It doesn't...
get better... than this."
[foreboding music]
- It doesn't?
- Ever?
That can't be true.
But why would a billboard lie to a person?
[somber music]
[both] Non!
So that's it then.
We just experienced
the best moment of our lives?
No. [chuckles] Maybe we just
gotta prove the billboard wrong.
If we can just have a better
time than we had
eating the hotdogs, then
we'll know we haven't peaked!
And then, we can go on our merry way.
- [chuckles]
- Okay, sure!
It'll be fine.
[fun music]
[game console sounds]
[bell ringing]
Whoo! [laughs]
Did ya have fun, Barry?
No.
The two for one deal put us
in silly moods, Kiff!
We were in silly moods!
I didn't have fun at the carnival either.
Ugh, we've been in denial.
The billboard was right.
And that makes me angry!
Come on, Bar!
[dramatic music]
[crowd grunts]
Hey! You can't just serve people
the best moment of their lives
without warning them.
The "deal" was two hot dogs
for the price of one,
not two hot dogs for a life
that's all downhill from here.
That is a very expensive hot dog!
[exclaims]
[upbeat rock music]
[grunts]
[laughs] I'm loving this.
[sighs]
Rage feels great and all,
- but it doesn't undo the fact
- [birds] Ahh!
that we've peaked in life.
I wish we could just undo
the whole dang hot dog moment!
I'd do anything!
- Hello!
- [both] Ahh!
Sounds like you noobs
need a reversal spell.
Jeez, Helen, a little heads up?
- I think you mean: A little Helen's up?
- Huh?
Whenever you see me,
you're supposed to say:
"Helen's Up."
Says who? C-can you just do the spell?
We'll do anything, please.
Great. Then get on board
with "Helen's Up."
Say it any time you see me,
and I'll give you the spell.
- Fine, okay, sure.
- Barry?
Sure, yes, I'll start saying:
"Helen's Up."
I am satisfied by our pact.
Lint from purse. Reverse.
[rewinding noise]
Wha-wait. It stopped reversing.
But we haven't uneaten the hot dogs.
We've still peaked.
[both] Helen's Up!
What?
Well, the reversal spell. It just stopped.
What are you talking about?
I don't do reversal spells.
They never work.
Oh, my gosh.
It's the Helen from earlier.
She has no memory of our conversation.
Well, at least we don't have
to say "Helen's Up" now.
By the way, "Helen's up"--
I like it.
[groans]
We've still peaked.
[gentle guitar plays]
[both sigh]
[male voice] Gather round...
lemme tell you what happens to a person
who's lived all the life there is to live.
♪ Well, I've ridden on
The fastest rollercoaster ♪
♪ Photobombed A theatrical poster ♪
♪ But it don't get Better than this ♪
♪ I've chased tornados
And discovered a star ♪
♪ That one time my mom
Let me drive her car ♪
♪ But it don't get Better than this ♪
♪ Oh, there's nothin' More fun ♪
♪ Than a hot dog That comes two for one ♪
♪ When you've done All that can be done ♪
♪ And there's no more Life to live ♪
♪ It don't get better
Don't get better than this ♪
♪ It sure don't ♪
♪ I've run with wild horses ♪
♪ On the open plains ♪
♪ Did a glass blowing class ♪
♪ With a guy named Wayne ♪
♪ But it don't get Better than this ♪
♪ I took a peanut I threw it up high ♪
♪ Caught it in my mouth
Even with closed eyes ♪
♪ But it don't get Better than this ♪
♪ Oh, there's nothin' More fun ♪
♪ Than a hot dog That comes two for one ♪
♪ When you've done all That can be done ♪
♪ Oh... ♪
♪ There's nothin' more fun ♪
♪ Than a hot dog That comes two for one ♪
♪ When you've done all That can be done ♪
[song continues on PA]
Well, now that we've accepted our fate,
at least we have a nice place
to wait out the remainder of our years.
- Achoo!
- What?
Room for two please.
Forever.
[old-time music plays]
- Love three p.m. dinner.
- Preach, Gayle.
- Barry.
- Other Barry.
[stammers] M-my mom and I,
we went-- uh, we went down...
- [snores]
- ...and the, and the, uh, I went...
can-- can I wanted candy and the can...
[clock chimes]
Well, 3:05.
Better get a head start on bedtime.
This is the way it goes when
your best days are behind you.
We'll get used to it though,
just like we got used to being
fun, happy children.
Right.
[happy kids chattering]
[boy] Anyone want to play tag?
[grunts] Dumb kids.
What are they even doing?
Whatever it is,
it doesn't sound fun at all.
No way. [scoffs]
[girl] Can someone help me move this
wheelbarrow of water balloons?
[upbeat music]
Should we call in a noise complaint?
We could say there's a group of kids
who haven't peaked yet
and they are keeping us up!
[boy] Did the ice cream truck driver
just open up the back of his truck,
throw his keys into the river,
and then run away?
[laughs] I mean...
[inhales] I could go out
and grab us some ear plugs.
Great, I'll go grab some... eye masks.
Great thinking!
Good luck with your errand.
You as well.
I'll just take a quick peek,
and then it's back to bed.
[grunts]
No ear plugs?
No eye masks?
I don't want to accept my fate!
Yeah, I don't either.
I guess we could go watch
other kids have fun?
[music builds]
[cheering]
These aren't kids.
Hey! Hey, weren't you asleep at dinner?
I try to stay awake,
but my grandson does go on and on!
What?
Uh-- Whoa!
We're making all local stops!
Bingo!
Barry, a piñata.
[all chanting] Barry! Barry!
Barry! Barry! Barry!
Whee!
[both laugh, gasp]
Wow! That is one hot dog!
No one can say that is not a hot dog!
The hot dogs.
[thud]
This was a mistake. A glitch.
The best moment of our lives
already happened, right?
[echoing] Is this all a dream?
[sighs] Come on, Bar,
it's past our bedtime.
[both gasp] Kid from
the billboard all grown up.
It doesn't get better than this!
- Something just hit me.
- Uh, it was a burger.
No, beneath the burger.
- Something hit my mind!
- Go on...
Maybe we couldn't top
the hot dog moment earlier
because we were trying so hard.
When you stop thinking about it,
you just start having fun.
[both] The billboard was...
just a dumb ad?
[Barry] The best time
is happening all the time!
You just gotta enjoy it!
He's right, folks!
He's right!
Did someone order a combo meal?
[cheering]
I'll take-- I'll take a little
bit of that combo.
[clamoring]
[all] It doesn't get better than this!
Is what we used to think,
but now we have a more
Four Dimensional view of it.
[closing theme plays]