Kiff (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Big Barry on Campus/Club Book - full transcript
A computer error moves Barry into high school, forcing Kiff to follow; Kiff thinks the library should be loud, but it quickly backfires.
GLARBIN: Brought to you
by Table Town Town Hall Meeting.
Wanna complain? Do it in person.
BARRY: So how does this work again?
It's book club, Barry!
We all read the same book,
and then we talk about it.
So let's start.
Begin reading in three, two, one...
(gasps) I knew it!
- Shh!
- (groans)
"An unexpected twist?"
(whimpering)
This chapter's gonna be nuts!
Shh! You know, Kiff,
I always thought you had the potential
to become one of us librarians.
(gasps) I'll never be a shusher like you!
Yes, well,
everything's so intense with you.
But that's just not the way of...
The Library.
This isn't fair!
I just get... (sighs)
passionate when I read.
There are quieter ways
to experience a book, Kiff.
Observe.
(groans)
(winces)
(sighs)
Silent intensity.
I've tried reading quietly.
Maybe you could take
the shushing down a few notches.
I will never not shush you, squirrel! I--
Wow, that came out really harsh.
(chuckles)
I refuse to be the villain
in your little story,
but this is a library,
and as long as I’m in charge,
all I wanna hear is sweet, sweet silence.
(Barry's stomach growling)
Shh!
Still having gutter issues, Iris?
I was a--
I have a pressing issue!
I'd like to be put in charge
of the public library.
What? No. There's no form for that.
But... Uh...
There's a chart!
I'm listening.
- Here's the chart.
- I see it.
This point marks
my enjoyment of the library,
as of 9:14 a.m. today.
And here's my enjoyment
a mere minute after being shushed.
- (audience murmuring)
- WOMAN: I can't believe this!
And here it is five minutes later.
These numbers are accurate?
Crunched them three times.
This data’s rock solid, Glarbin,
but if you give me a chance,
I know I can turn this ship around.
Can I even say no
to such a strong projection?
Of course not!
KIFF: It's legit.
So you're in charge, huh?
I thought you'd never "become one of us."
I said I'd never be a shusher like you.
(growls)
Whoops, no, no, no, no.
I'm not gonna glare. I'm not a villain.
That’s not who I am!
If I were a I villain,
I would glare at you all day,
vowing to never rest
until vengeance was mine!
But I'm not a villain.
(awkward chuckle) I'm so fun!
(chuckles, sighs)
Enty-ways I'm just gonna go back
to my previous profession
as a Soufflé Baker.
Good luck, squirrel!
(snickers) She's gone.
She's gone! (laughs)
All right, this is now a loud library
where being loud is allowed!
Free from oppressive shushing.
And if you need help,
I'll be right here reading
at the reference desk.
Aw, you guys, come on! React!
(snoring)
Ya' gotta be kidding me...
- (gasps)
- Gasp out loud, mystery lover.
Gasp like the murderer is chasing you!
- (small gasp)
- (all gasp)
Aw, you're straight-faced
reading a book of funnies.
That's messed up, man. Try one out loud!
Uh, okay...
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?
Sneakers!
(laughs) Hey, that felt good.
Sneakers! Ha! 'Cause they sneak around.
- I get it. (laughs)
- Beautiful, Trevor, beautiful!
(chuckles)
And now for...
an unexpected twist!
KID: The ducky went down to the dock.
The ducky went down to the dock.
(chuckles)
What's that ducky gonna do next?
Ducky went down to the dock.
So you think everyone's gonna go flying,
but they don't! They--
Oh, hold on...
You plan on wrapping up
your call anytime soon?
Am I being too loud?
Oh, I mean, loud is fine.
But it's, uh, it's supposed to be
for the books, so, uh--
Yeah, yeah, I'm just raving
about how awesome this book is!
Oh, okay.
(sighs) Should I keep it down?
You know, "shhh?"
(gasps) Oh, no! No, I'm not shushing you.
I would never.
Yeah, okay, good. Sorry about that, Mom.
New librarian. Ready for Chapter Two?
MAN (on audiobook):
Welcome to "Is Anybody Listening?"
A podcast about audiobooks.
It's okay. This has gotta be
the loudest it's gonna get...
(dance music, cheering)
All of this looks book... adjacent.
(commotion continues)
Barr, are you okay?
Where's the rest of book club?
Uh...
Okay, I... I just got to the part
where Chartreuse betrays Maroon,
and I gotta know what happens next.
No, don't go.
I don't know
if there's something wrong with me,
but I just need to read
silently sometimes.
But don’t feel bad, you did it!
You got the library to be so loud.
A real win for Kiff! (chuckles)
I’m gonna scoot my boot.
Barry...
Who reads at the club anyway?
This isn't the club. It's a library!
You know, a quiet place?
Shhh!
Oh, no, here it comes again...
Ahh...
Shhh!
You can't do that. It's a loud library!
Shhhh! Shhhh!
Shhhhhhhh!
(sighs) It's too loud, they can't hear me.
Nobody can shush this crowd.
Except...
- (bell rings)
- Hello?
Shhh! Use your "soufflé bakery" voice
in here please.
How's "loud library" going?
Oh, you know, same ol' same ol'...
Actually, nothing's the same.
Loud library is too loud.
Huh, and you want me to come in there
and snatch the loud outta that crowd?
- Yes!
- Well then, say I was right.
Say, "You're not a villain.
You're a very reasonable librarian."
Say it!
(sighs) I was wrong.
You're not the villain.
I’m the villain. (sobs)
I destroyed the place I love.
I am the villain!
Okay, squirrel, I'll help.
(muffled club music playing)
(panting)
(beeping)
Oh, no, I don't have my library card.
There's no way in.
Wait!
We can't give up.
We're gonna lose the library.
We're not gonna lose the library!
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Please present shushing identification.
(clears throat) Shhhh!
(whirring, beeping)
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Shushing confirmed, Miss Moufflé.
Whoa... What is this place?
Every library has a Hush Room
for shush-mergencies.
It’s where we store
our silencing equipment.
It's also my happy place.
(electronic music playing)
- (dance music stops)
- (crowd murmurs)
(soothing music plays)
- Shh!
- Shh!
Shh!
(all shushing)
- So then what happened?
- He went down to the dock.
Some sleepytime tea!
(yawns)
KIFF: Soothing Chamomile Peace Mist.
Weighted blanket!
(snoring)
Loud library is now closed.
I repeat, loud library is now closed.
Goodbye! Have a nice day!
Please leave faster.
(birds chirp)
(groans)
That sign doesn't go here anymore.
I get it. I messed up.
No, I mean your sign belongs...
here!
You stood up
for what you believed in, squirrel.
And although I was never the villain,
I have to admit,
you made me see that there’s enough room
at the library for what we both want.
So, I’ll take upstairs
as my shush-sanctuary,
and you can have a space for loud readers.
Wha-- This is your happy place!
Well, now it's yours.
Okay, okay, okay. Turn the page in...
ALL: Three... two... one!
(all scream)
(silence)
(closing theme plays)
by Table Town Town Hall Meeting.
Wanna complain? Do it in person.
BARRY: So how does this work again?
It's book club, Barry!
We all read the same book,
and then we talk about it.
So let's start.
Begin reading in three, two, one...
(gasps) I knew it!
- Shh!
- (groans)
"An unexpected twist?"
(whimpering)
This chapter's gonna be nuts!
Shh! You know, Kiff,
I always thought you had the potential
to become one of us librarians.
(gasps) I'll never be a shusher like you!
Yes, well,
everything's so intense with you.
But that's just not the way of...
The Library.
This isn't fair!
I just get... (sighs)
passionate when I read.
There are quieter ways
to experience a book, Kiff.
Observe.
(groans)
(winces)
(sighs)
Silent intensity.
I've tried reading quietly.
Maybe you could take
the shushing down a few notches.
I will never not shush you, squirrel! I--
Wow, that came out really harsh.
(chuckles)
I refuse to be the villain
in your little story,
but this is a library,
and as long as I’m in charge,
all I wanna hear is sweet, sweet silence.
(Barry's stomach growling)
Shh!
Still having gutter issues, Iris?
I was a--
I have a pressing issue!
I'd like to be put in charge
of the public library.
What? No. There's no form for that.
But... Uh...
There's a chart!
I'm listening.
- Here's the chart.
- I see it.
This point marks
my enjoyment of the library,
as of 9:14 a.m. today.
And here's my enjoyment
a mere minute after being shushed.
- (audience murmuring)
- WOMAN: I can't believe this!
And here it is five minutes later.
These numbers are accurate?
Crunched them three times.
This data’s rock solid, Glarbin,
but if you give me a chance,
I know I can turn this ship around.
Can I even say no
to such a strong projection?
Of course not!
KIFF: It's legit.
So you're in charge, huh?
I thought you'd never "become one of us."
I said I'd never be a shusher like you.
(growls)
Whoops, no, no, no, no.
I'm not gonna glare. I'm not a villain.
That’s not who I am!
If I were a I villain,
I would glare at you all day,
vowing to never rest
until vengeance was mine!
But I'm not a villain.
(awkward chuckle) I'm so fun!
(chuckles, sighs)
Enty-ways I'm just gonna go back
to my previous profession
as a Soufflé Baker.
Good luck, squirrel!
(snickers) She's gone.
She's gone! (laughs)
All right, this is now a loud library
where being loud is allowed!
Free from oppressive shushing.
And if you need help,
I'll be right here reading
at the reference desk.
Aw, you guys, come on! React!
(snoring)
Ya' gotta be kidding me...
- (gasps)
- Gasp out loud, mystery lover.
Gasp like the murderer is chasing you!
- (small gasp)
- (all gasp)
Aw, you're straight-faced
reading a book of funnies.
That's messed up, man. Try one out loud!
Uh, okay...
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?
Sneakers!
(laughs) Hey, that felt good.
Sneakers! Ha! 'Cause they sneak around.
- I get it. (laughs)
- Beautiful, Trevor, beautiful!
(chuckles)
And now for...
an unexpected twist!
KID: The ducky went down to the dock.
The ducky went down to the dock.
(chuckles)
What's that ducky gonna do next?
Ducky went down to the dock.
So you think everyone's gonna go flying,
but they don't! They--
Oh, hold on...
You plan on wrapping up
your call anytime soon?
Am I being too loud?
Oh, I mean, loud is fine.
But it's, uh, it's supposed to be
for the books, so, uh--
Yeah, yeah, I'm just raving
about how awesome this book is!
Oh, okay.
(sighs) Should I keep it down?
You know, "shhh?"
(gasps) Oh, no! No, I'm not shushing you.
I would never.
Yeah, okay, good. Sorry about that, Mom.
New librarian. Ready for Chapter Two?
MAN (on audiobook):
Welcome to "Is Anybody Listening?"
A podcast about audiobooks.
It's okay. This has gotta be
the loudest it's gonna get...
(dance music, cheering)
All of this looks book... adjacent.
(commotion continues)
Barr, are you okay?
Where's the rest of book club?
Uh...
Okay, I... I just got to the part
where Chartreuse betrays Maroon,
and I gotta know what happens next.
No, don't go.
I don't know
if there's something wrong with me,
but I just need to read
silently sometimes.
But don’t feel bad, you did it!
You got the library to be so loud.
A real win for Kiff! (chuckles)
I’m gonna scoot my boot.
Barry...
Who reads at the club anyway?
This isn't the club. It's a library!
You know, a quiet place?
Shhh!
Oh, no, here it comes again...
Ahh...
Shhh!
You can't do that. It's a loud library!
Shhhh! Shhhh!
Shhhhhhhh!
(sighs) It's too loud, they can't hear me.
Nobody can shush this crowd.
Except...
- (bell rings)
- Hello?
Shhh! Use your "soufflé bakery" voice
in here please.
How's "loud library" going?
Oh, you know, same ol' same ol'...
Actually, nothing's the same.
Loud library is too loud.
Huh, and you want me to come in there
and snatch the loud outta that crowd?
- Yes!
- Well then, say I was right.
Say, "You're not a villain.
You're a very reasonable librarian."
Say it!
(sighs) I was wrong.
You're not the villain.
I’m the villain. (sobs)
I destroyed the place I love.
I am the villain!
Okay, squirrel, I'll help.
(muffled club music playing)
(panting)
(beeping)
Oh, no, I don't have my library card.
There's no way in.
Wait!
We can't give up.
We're gonna lose the library.
We're not gonna lose the library!
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Please present shushing identification.
(clears throat) Shhhh!
(whirring, beeping)
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Shushing confirmed, Miss Moufflé.
Whoa... What is this place?
Every library has a Hush Room
for shush-mergencies.
It’s where we store
our silencing equipment.
It's also my happy place.
(electronic music playing)
- (dance music stops)
- (crowd murmurs)
(soothing music plays)
- Shh!
- Shh!
Shh!
(all shushing)
- So then what happened?
- He went down to the dock.
Some sleepytime tea!
(yawns)
KIFF: Soothing Chamomile Peace Mist.
Weighted blanket!
(snoring)
Loud library is now closed.
I repeat, loud library is now closed.
Goodbye! Have a nice day!
Please leave faster.
(birds chirp)
(groans)
That sign doesn't go here anymore.
I get it. I messed up.
No, I mean your sign belongs...
here!
You stood up
for what you believed in, squirrel.
And although I was never the villain,
I have to admit,
you made me see that there’s enough room
at the library for what we both want.
So, I’ll take upstairs
as my shush-sanctuary,
and you can have a space for loud readers.
Wha-- This is your happy place!
Well, now it's yours.
Okay, okay, okay. Turn the page in...
ALL: Three... two... one!
(all scream)
(silence)
(closing theme plays)